Work Text:
Aaron‘s body is aching everywhere. He fucking finally finished that emaciating job and now all he craves on this hot summer day is a cold shower and an even colder brew. His belly grumbles angrily, reminding him about that void inside his stomach.
Okay. Beer third, shower second, bacon sarnie first, he decides and his tummy agrees with another rumble.
He sighs and pulls out his phone to open google maps. His job brought him to Liverpool today and he has no clue where to get proper food here. Aaron types in his search, looks for a place somewhere near to his current location.
There is a nice looking café only a mile away and Aaron wants to give that a try. He drives there with his rusty pick up. Before he gets out he takes a quick sniff at his own body. Urgh, he‘s gross. He just gotta hope that there aren‘t many people in. Buy food and leave quickly, eat in peace in his truck.
With a little sigh he makes his way to the café. Aaron rolls his shoulders and tries to stretch his torso against the hot tension in the muscles of back. A wave of tiredness hits him. God, he is tired, tired of working day in, day out.
He can‘t even remember his last holidays - with running his own business they seem so pointless when he‘s going to spend them alone anyway.
Someday soon though… his heart speeds up at the thought. The thought that keep creeping into his mind in the most random situations, like now when he‘s on the way to that café in Liverpool. Soon he‘s gonna-
There is a hard bump on his left side and a sudden noise, then a loud cry and someone falling.
Aaron blinks, confused. He just turned to the left to enter the little shop, when someone was crashing from behind into him.
The noise came from a skateboard, he realises. It landed on its back, the small wheels are still turning.
Aaron bends down and picks it up, turns towards the person who bumped into him and freezes.
It is like the world stops. Everything stops.
His heart stops.
Green eyes are looking up at him and turning his whole universe upside down. Oh god, these eyes are just like he remembers them, and the freckles are still there as well. The hair is hidden under a beanie and Aaron feels the hysterical urge to rip it off and check if it‘s still strawberry red.
His boy.
His little boy.
Aaron‘s lungs start burning, because all the oxygen he had in there is spent, but he can‘t breathe, he can‘t. Something‘s clenching around his chest like an iron grip.
His boy.
His knees are giving out under him and he sinks on the floor slowly.
“Hey, I‘m sorry man! I thought you were walking straight ahead, I saw too late that you wanted to go into the café. Suddenly you were just right in front of me and baaam ! Hey, are you okay?“
He speaks like a waterfall, his voice is a bit scratchy, like it‘s typically for boys in puberty.
He's in puberty. He is a teenager now. Aaron's eyes are roaming the body. God, he‘s grown up so much.
“Hey! Hey!“ Hands are slapping his biceps now. “Are you okay? No offense, but you don‘t look good.“
Breathe!
Aaron gulps in the hot summer air, gasps and coughs. His lungs are on fire and little black dots are dancing in front of his eyes.
“Oh shit, I didn‘t know I hit you that hard?“
The boy shifts to his knees now too, his face is right in front of him. He looks so much like Robert, like a mini-version of his husband, that it causes Aaron‘s heart to crack painfully.
There is so much worry in the green eyes looking at him.
“I‘m fine,“ Aaron manages out with a voice that doesn‘t sound like his own.
There is a moment of silence where he tries to get his breathing under control, where he reminds himself of his old counting techniques. He wonders if this was the edge of a panic attack.
“How are you?“ he finally asks.
“Oh, I‘m fine! I had much worse in the halfpipe earlier!“
He grins toothy.
It wasn‘t what Aaron meant, what he really wanted to know.
How are you? Are you doing good in school? Which music do you like? Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Are you still a chocolate addict? Do you still have that plushie giraffe?
He doesn‘t know how to ask all this. He doesn‘t know if he even has a right to ask this.
Aaron saw him last 11 years ago. 11 years. Fuck, only now that he sees that big boy in front of him he realises how long that was. And what he missed.
He shouldn‘t have given up on him like that, maybe he should have fought more to have access to visit.
The guilt picks at him, gnaws at him with sharp teeth, and it hurts. It hurts so damn much, just like in 2019.
Back then there was only so much pain, he remembers. Losing the people he loved the most in only a few weeks time almost crushed him, it was more he could take and so… he just drew back.
Aaron focused on his work and shrank into his shell. It was safe. Nobody could hurt him there.
Except himself.
Aaron looks up again in those green eyes, who look at him like he's a stranger - because he is. To this boy he is just a stranger.
“Okay… since you are okay, I really gotta go, mister.“
“Yeah, sure. Bye, Seb,“ Aaron nods and gets up clumsily.
His legs are wobbly, the muscles feel like jelly. That short encounter has truly knocked Aaron Dingle off his feet.
“What did you say?!” Seb‘s sharp voice makes him flinch.
What did he say? Goodbye? Aaron frowns.
“You called me Seb… how do you know my name?“ Seb looks at him with narrowed eyes, “do I know you?“
You used to know me, Aaron thinks, you used to call me ‘daddy’.
I used to call you ‘my son’.
His heart breaks once more.
Memories are bubbling up in his mind now. How Seb made his first steps in the Mill. How he loved to ride on Aaron‘s back through the living room.
How he read bedtime stories to the little boy.
How Robert took a photo of them eating ice cream. How Robert used to sing a song when he was feeding Seb. How Robert rocked him to sleep when he was crying.
After 11 years it feels like yesterday.
The pain, the anger, the desperation about what he lost - what all of them lost - is just as raw and real as it was back in goddamn 2019.
“I‘m Aaron,“ he says eventually, waiting for any sign of recognition on Seb‘s face, but he gets none, “Dingle.“ He tries to swallow the golf ball sized lump in his throat down. “I was married to your dad.” The words taste like ash in his mouth, the past tense is bitter. “Robert.“
He hasn‘t said that name in years. Suddenly hot tears are burning in his eyes, but Aaron fights them back with a few upset blinks, he doesn‘t want to cry here on this crowded pavement in Liverpool, while Seb is staring at him.
If he starts he won‘t be able to stop.
The boy‘s mouth goes slack, the eyes big. “You‘re the man from the album!“ he breathes surprised. “My mum‘s got an old album - she‘s hiding it in a cupboard in the living room, because I am probably not supposed to see it. But I found it anyway and I asked her about it, but then she got really angry,“ it rushes out of Seb‘s mouth, “I remember there were pictures of Robert and his husband. That was you!“
That Seb uses the name instead of ‘dad’ is like a jab in Aaron‘s heart, but the boy is totally oblivious. Too big is the surprise about meeting someone from his father’s past. His mouth is still a shocked ‘o‘ and he is looking at Aaron with a sudden curiosity that makes him feel self-conscious.
There is another little silence, and Aaron is reminded that Seb was about to go. He expects him to grab his skateboard and vanish in the group of people passing by any second.
But Seb just stands there and crocks his head.
“Hey… errm, you wanted to go into this café, right?“ Seb asks and points with his thumb towards the door.
Aaron just nods, not trusting his voice right now. His throat still feels incredibly tight.
“Yeah, well, uhm… you should order a milkshake and the giant chocolate cookie, because it‘s their best,“ Seb says and gives him a half sided smile.
The image of little Seb is back in front of Aaron‘s inner eye, where his mouth and chin and even his nose were covered with chocolate, because Aaron treated him with a little surprise in Bob‘s café.
“Will do,“ he manages out.
Seb nods then and slowly picks up his skateboard. “Alright. Well then…“
It‘s the moment now, Aaron realises. The moment where they go different ways again. He wishes he could hug Seb, just once, check if he still smells so pure like back then. With a hint of apple from his shampoo and baby wash. Probably not, Seb is a teenager now, he surely doesn’t use baby products anymore, Aaron reminds himself. He wonders if he‘ll ever see him again.
“Do you want one?“ Aaron asks, before he can think about it, “A milkshake? Or a cookie? My treat?“
It was an impulse, the words were suddenly out of his mouth. He almost regrets it immediately though.
Why would Seb want to go with him into this café, he is just a stranger after all.
Seb only knows him for a total of 3 minutes.
His heart is shrinking, imploding.
Aaron bites his lip and lowers his eyes. It shouldn‘t hurt that much after fucking 11 years, but it does. It hurts.
“Yeah sure, why not,“ Seb agrees and the easy, cheerful tone of his voice surprises Aaron, “I mean you basically ran into me. I could have got seriously hurt. It‘s the least you can do, right?“
The freckled face is smiling genuinely, but the green eyes are sparkling with mischief. Aaron holds his hand out for Seb to go first and can‘t hold back the little smile at that cheeky little shit. Totally angling for a free milkshake here, damn he is so much Robert‘s son.
They walk into the café and Seb heads straight to the counter. He takes his beanie off and indeed - the hair is that amazing mixture of golden and red.
Aaron takes a look around. It‘s a nice little shop, with white tables and chairs, pastel decoration and those fancy rainbow coloured cupcakes behind the counter. His own smelly, sweaty body feels suddenly ten times dirtier in this sweet atmosphere.
“Hi, I‘ll have strawberry milkshake and a chocolate cookie,“ Seb orders with an eager grin, before he turns around to Aaron, “and you?“
For a moment he is overwhelmed, by this shop, by the woman behind the till who is smiling at him, by the fact that the boy he used to call his son is right in front of him.
“Uh… do you have sandwiches?“ he asks, feeling dumb.
There is so much pastel behind the little glass, but nothing looks like a sarnie.
“Sure,“ the lady flashes him another friendly smile before she steps to the side for him to see the rack behind her.
There are sandwiches, lots of them. Aaron's stomach rumbles again.
“Bacon, please,“ he says, “and a banana milkshake.“ His gaze flicks down to Seb again who is looking at him with outright curiosity. “And, err… a chocolate cookie please.“
The boy beams at him and gives him a thumbs up.
Aaron‘s heart does a weird tick and he swallows. He wants to smile back, but it feels off and he doesn‘t know if he‘s got it right. Seb doesn‘t mind anyway, his face never falters.
The woman hands them their order and Aaron pays.
Seb is heading to a free table and he walks behind him obediently. They sit down in silence and while Seb starts slurping his milkshake, Aaron is inhaling his sarnie. He lets out a tiny moan at how unbelievably delicious this is.
When he‘s finished he looks up to see Seb sitting there, staring at the table. The slim fingers are fumbling with the napkin, the giant cookie is lying there, still untouched. The boy looks serious now, Aaron can basically see the cogs turning in his head.
The green eyes flick up and meet Aaron‘s, but then they are being downcast again.
He knows that Seb has questions - he must have questions. This is the real reason behind him agreeing to come with Aaron in here, cookie and shake aside.
“If you wanna…“ Aaron starts, but he‘s not sure how to finish the sentence. “Just ask,“ he offers.
Even if I can‘t answer everything, he adds quietly in his head.
“Did he do it?“ Seb blurts out and his cheeks are getting pink, “I mean, my dad… did he really kill another man?“
Aaron should have known that this would be the first question, probably he knew it deep down, but still, he is nowhere near being prepared for that question.
Or to talk about Robert in general.
Only 10 Minutes ago, his past was buried deep in his chest, hidden under layers of work and more work. Now his heart is ripped open and a pain is being freed that Aaron tried so desperately to overcome.
He clears his throat. “Yeah.“
Another silence stretches and he notices how Seb‘s face slowly turns sad, as if he was hoping miraculously for a different answer. He is just a kid, no matter how big he wants to act now that puberty is hitting at the age of 13, he is just a kid, learning the painful truth about his father, Aaron thinks. He feels the urge to explain it, with words he doesn‘t have.
“The man he killed,“ he swallows and takes a deep breath, “he was a bad man, okay? A really bad man, who did a horrible thing to Robert‘s sister. Your aunt Victoria. And yeah, your dad hit this man, but he didn‘t want him to die, he didn‘t do it on purpose.“
Aaron‘s mouth snaps shut. He hasn‘t talked so much about it in 10 years.
The green eyes travel up again, slowly, landing on Aaron‘s face, like they are searching for verity.
“Your dad is a good man,“ Aaron insists and his voice breaks.
It‘s the truth.
Robert is a good man. The best.
Aaron scratches his eyebrow to hide his glassy eyes in front of Seb. He desperately doesn‘t wanna cry now.
“Is he still locked up?“ Seb asks quietly, obviously satisfied with the first answer - for now, at least.
Aaron nods.
“How long…?“
“Two and a half more years. Probably less, he might be released on good behaviour.“
That‘s what Vic told him. She keeps him updated at irregular intervals although he never asks.
“Are you in contact with him?“
Seb is just a curious young lad, he didn‘t mean to push the knife right into Aaron‘s heart. For a moment it feels like his chest might implode, the pain is that sharp and sudden.
“No.“
The short word is enough to reveal his breaking voice. Aaron thinks about the pile of letters in his bedside drawer. The letters he wrote to Robert in so many sleepless nights, but never sent off.
He wonders if Robert has letters of his own too.
Seb looks miserable now and kneads his fingers.
“Why does he never write? Or… or call?“ he sounds very small suddenly. “Mum says, he loved me, but I don‘t know…“
“Hey, hey! No.“ Aaron bows his head down until he catches Seb‘s gaze. “None of it, okay? He does love you, Seb. He loves you more than anything.“ Aaron bites his lip, more memories of Robert holding his son, cuddling with him, reading books for him are flooding his brain.
“Way to show it,“ the young lad mutters bitterly.
Aaron sighs and rubs his forehead. “I know it‘s hard to get, but… it‘s what he does. He pushes people away, because he thinks we‘re better off without him. As if he is a burden or something. It‘s stupid and rubbish and Robert ! But I promise…“ He looks at Seb again, “I promise he does love you.“
Aaron wishes he was better with words, that he could explain Robert‘s twisted psyche better to his son. It‘ll probably take hours though.
Seb thinks about that for a moment, then he finally bites into his cookie and watches Aaron while he‘s chewing. The intense gaze makes him squirm on his chair.
“You still love him.“
It‘s not even a question. Somehow this 13 year old boy figured him out after only a few minutes.
Aaron brings his hand up to his chest, where he feels with his fingers for the little hard item. It‘s there right above his heart, two silver bands on a chain. He takes them only off to shower. Having them as close as possible, directly on his skin is soothing. Comforting.
“Yeah.“
I‘ll always love Robert, he adds silently.
Seb nods then and goes quiet again.
Aaron can‘t believe he‘s sitting here, with his little boy talking about Robert and love. It‘s all so unreal.
30 minutes ago his life was just like day in day out for the past 11 years - working, eating, sleeping. 30 minutes ago his life was…
Numb.
And now all the feelings he tried to suppress for so long are back, just like that. It‘s almost ironic that he fought so hard to forget it all and then it took only one bloody look in Seb‘s face.
“Sooo…“ Seb stretches the word, “tell me something about you.“ He slurps his milkshake again.
The sound takes off a bit of the tension, of the heaviness of their conversation. But now Aaron is facing another problem: talking about him. He doesn‘t know what to say really, because there‘s nothing to tell.
“I err… I work a lot,“ he offers and it sounds lame, even in his own ears.
“What do you do?“ Seb bites off his cookie again.
Aaron looks down on his hands where there are still oil stains and dirt under his nails. He shoves them quickly under the table as shame flushes through his body. With the unexpected encounter and his hunger he totally forgot to wash them before he ate.
His filthy presence is suddenly very prominent back in his mind. He is dirty, sweaty and pretty sure he stinks as well. Aaron bites his lip.
“I‘m a scrapper,“ he admits eventually.
His eyes are still downcast, he doesn‘t dare look at Seb. For the first time he can remember he is ashamed of his job. Seb must think he‘s a total loser.
“Yeah? That‘s cool! So you are ripping cars apart and stuff like that?“ Seb doesn‘t sound disappointed, he sounds excited.
And indeed, the freckled face is staring at Aaron with so much genuine interest that he only manages a nod as reply.
“Wow! What was the coolest car you ever destroyed?“
“A Ford Mustang. From the sixties,“ he smiles.
The tension leaves his body slowly and Aaron lets his shoulders drop. This is safe ground, he can talk about cars.
“What?! No way!“ Seb breathes, his green eyes go big.
“Honestly!“ Aaron holds his hand up as if he would swear on it, “the driver had an accident and she was beyond repair. Hurt my heart to rip her apart though.“
And just like that they have an easy conversation going. They talk about cars and TV shows and Seb‘s skateboarding.
It‘s nice. Aaron leans back and lets Seb do the talking mostly. And damn, can that boy talk, he definitely has a mouth like his dad, Aaron thinks. In fact, the little man reminds him a lot about his old man. He’s got written ‘Robert Sugden’ all over him. How he is funny and witty and sometimes sarcastic even. Then there‘s the way he talks with his hands and his eyes, the way he gets excited about things, how he laughs.
Aaron doesn‘t quite remember the sound of Robert‘s laughter - a realisation that has him almost on the edge of tears again - but he does remember how the green eyes started sparkling, how those adorable laughter lines appeared around them. He does remember how Robert‘s broad smile could light up the whole room.
He misses him so much it hurts again.
“Aaron?“
The voice pulls him out of it.
“Hm?“ he jerks on his chair, straightens his back again and tries a smile. “Sorry, I was just…“ he trails off.
Seb got serious again. “Err… I really have to go now.“
Oh.
“Sure, okay. Yeah, sure,“ Aaron babbles.
So this is it then. Heavy dread is filling his intestines and he is not ready to say goodbye. There is so much still unsaid, so much he wants to ask, how Seb is doing at school, if he‘s got loads of friends, if he‘s got a crush on a girl - or a boy -, if he likes gaming or which is his favourite movie.
Aaron wants to know everything.
But time‘s up.
Seb gets up and Aaron mirrors his movement reluctantly.
He wishes he could express his feelings somehow, tell Seb that he wants to see him again, but his throat gets tight again and he knows the words will get stuck.
Maybe it‘s for the best.
He‘s blown his chance with Seb anyway… 10 years ago back in 2020, when he should have fought for access to visit him.
Maybe this is payback, epic universe style. It puts Seb under his nose, just to show him what he‘s missed out on, to show him a glimpse of the life that could have been his, only to rip it away from him again.
Seb will leave and yeah, he‘ll probably think about Aaron in the next few days, but by no less than next week, the dirty, smelly weird grump from the café will be forgotten.
He suddenly wonders if Seb calls Ross ‘dad’.
Aaron is pretty sure the crack of his heart is actually audible, even for Seb.
They step out on the sidewalk again before the boy stops and turns around to him.
“Hey, uhm, that was nice,“ he says and his green eyes are flicking nervously around.
“Yeah,“ is all Aaron can manage out.
It was more than nice. He wants to hug Seb so bad, but he balls his hands to fists and presses his fingernails into the palms to stop himself from reaching out. He is sticky and gross and he is just a stranger.
Just a stranger.
“Can I have your phone, please?“ Seb asks suddenly and his cheeks redden again.
Aaron frowns. “What?“ he asks dumbly but pulls his phone out of his pocket.
“Just…“ Seb mutters and snatches it from his hand, “oh my god, you still have one of these?!“
The green eyes are scrutinizing his Samsung like it‘s a spear head from the stone age. Aaron rolls his eyes fondly and scoffs. He‘s wondering what Seb wants with his phone.
“Smile!“
Suddenly the phone is raised up and Seb snaps a pic of them both. Aaron‘s mouth falls open in surprise. He looks at the display. Seb is grinning broadly, showing his freckled hamster cheeks, his green eyes are only small slits. Aaron himself is looking like an idiot, his eyes are looking somewhere, but definitely not the lens, his curls are sticky on his forehead, his jaw is slack.
Seb cackles. “Awesome!“
“That‘s horrible,“ Aaron mutters and causes Seb to laugh again, bright and carefree.
The boy is still holding his phone, staring at the pic, when he slowly sobers up.
“That's so you don‘t forget me.“
It‘s just a whisper and it takes a few seconds for Aaron to process if he heard it correctly.
Something inside him snaps.
“I could never!“ he says and he grabs Seb‘s shoulder to shake him slightly, “hey. Never. I couldn’t forget you even if I tried. And believe me, I’ve tried.“
He takes a breath and Seb lowers his eyes, looking crestfallen. Only then Aaron realises how this must sound to him.
“Not because you don‘t mean something to me, it was because I missed you so much, it hurt just thinking about you, Seb. I was in a really bad place back then, mentally, I mean. I wasn‘t well... and I thought- … it was better to let you go, you know. Let you live with your mum and Ross.“
Aaron bites his lip. Thinking about 2019 and 2020 is draining, exhausting. It took him so long to get his life back on track, at least sort of, and when he was finally doing better, his spirit sank and he felt it was kind of too late to just ring Rebecca and ask to see Seb.
Regret.
He regrets it now. Looking at the boy reminds him so painfully about everything he missed. Seb‘s first tries to ride a bike, his first day at school, all the birthday parties and Christmases.
Aaron would do anything to turn back time, to do it differently.
“Sounds like you and my dad are pretty similar,“ Seb resumes and it doesn’t sound angry or resentful, Aaron notices relieved.
A sad smile is tugging on the corners of his mouth.
“I guess we‘re both idiots,“ Aaron concedes with a small grin and shrugs.
Well, isn‘t that the truth.
He knows it‘s a lot to take in for a kid, he knows Seb doesn‘t understand fully what happened 11 years ago - he can only hope that he got an idea now. And that he knows he‘s loved.
“Would you-” Aaron starts and has to swallow the lump down before he nods towards his phone which is still in Seb‘s hand, “would you put your number in? Maybe?“
His heart is beating like a jackhammer, is drumming against his ribcage so hard, he feels the vibrations in his whole body.
He holds his breath, dares to hope.
Seb gives him a surprised look and then his face lights up.
“Yeah, course. Cool!“
He starts typing, with both thumbs like a maniac. Aaron will never understand how kids these days are able to type with both hands that bloody fast.
“You should probably write to him,“ Seb says without looking up, while he is still tapping on the display, “My dad. So he knows that you still love him.“
A sweet spike tugs on Aaron‘s heart. Of course Robert‘s son is a clever little smart ass.
“Relationship advice from a 13-year-old, nice,“ he teases without any heat.
Seb is finished and looks up, handing the phone back to Aaron.
“Text me, then I‘ll have your number too,“ he says.
His strawberry red hair is glowing in the evening sun. Seb is still a gorgeous boy, Aaron thinks and his chest is swelling with an irrational pride, he’s definitely a heartbreaker for girls or boys. Or girls and boys.
“Will do,“ he promises and means it.
He won‘t mess up this time. Getting this second chance with Seb is like a lottery win.
“Cool. Well, err. Bye then,“ Seb says and holds his fist up for Aaron to bump it.
He does it with a smile. Aaron wasn‘t aware that kids still do fist bumps these days. Maybe some things will never change.
Seb gives him one last smile, then he‘s throwing his skateboard on the ground and jumps on it while it starts rolling away.
Aaron is watching him as he skates off.
“Bye, Seb!“ he shouts before the redhead gets swallowed up by the people walking on the sidewalk.
And just like that, his boy is gone again.
Aaron is standing there, dirty and sticky, just staring into nothing. He doesn‘t know how long, minutes probably.
His mind is weirdly overdriving and totally blank at the same time.
Did this really happen?
How big are the chances to run into Seb in a city with the size of Liverpool?
Somewhere deep down he wonders if this might be a sign. If he‘s suffered enough and is somehow redeemed now.
Maybe it is universe payback, but a good one for a change.
He has to remind himself how to use his legs to walk over to his truck. It seems like a different life when he left it only an hour ago.
Aaron gets in, pulls out his phone and scrolls through his contacts.
Sebastian White
The profile pic is their awful selfie.
to Sebastian White
Hi. It‘s Aaron.
His fingers are shaking when he types it in. He‘s not gonna blow his second chance.
Aaron has just left the city when his phone peeps. A little glance at the screen tells him that Seb answered already.
He pulls to the right into a lay-by and finally allows the tears to fall, where no one can see them.
~~~
The shower was just what he needed. Aaron feels better now, a lot better.
He walks over to his bedside table, only a towel wrapped around his waist while his overheated body still needs cooling down, and opens the top drawer.
He pulls out the pile of letters that is barely fitting in there anymore. It must be around 50 or so by now. His fingers are stroking carefully over the papers. It‘s like a diary of the past 11 years.
Taking the letters with him, he walks over to his little desk, where the surface is buried under telephone bills, electricity bills and bloody whatever bills.
Robert would tell him to get the stuff sorted, Aaron thinks, before he would probably just give up and do it himself in the end.
He sits down and shoves the mess aside to make place for a new, clean piece of paper.
Aaron stares at it, Seb‘s words are echoing in his head. His fingers are grazing the two silver rings at the chain around his neck.
Only two and half years until Robert gets out, maybe even less if he‘s released on good behaviour.
He remembers how he thought a year was endless, back when he was a kid. Now he knows better, a year is nothing.
Aaron will be ready when the day of Robert‘s release is finally there. He will be here.
He grabs a pen and starts writing:
Dear Robert