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Exultantly watching One and Two have a testosterone fuelled bickering match, Klaus wished Allison would get married every year so they’d have an excuse to catastrophically reunite. Why wasn’t Diego mentioning Luther being in love with his sister? That would be such a great comeback. Ugh, the dramatics it would cause... Klaus was ecstatic just imagining it. “Maybe I’m a daddy’s boy, but you’re a robot’s boy.” Luther smugly retorted to Diego’s immature insult about him being daddy’s little soldier.
This was the highlight of Klaus’ entire year. Maybe the entire decade, and it was only the beginning of it. Not only did Hollywood have a shiiiiiit load of cocaine, it also had the thrill of Luther and Diego reigniting their childish rivalry. It was hard to say which of those things Klaus was relishing more. The former was without a doubt increasing the delight he was getting out of the latter. “Meow! You crossed the line there, Luther. I think you should hit him, Diego!”
Turning to scowl at Klaus in unison, they were both equally as irritated by him. That was the one thing they could always see eye to eye on. “Go snort lines with Lindsay Lohan.” Diego mockingly suggested, unbelievably tired of his company. He was enough to drive a monk to yelling. Even acknowledging him encouraging them was a mistake. Pretending he wasn’t there was like when people would purposefully not move in Jurassic Park - Klaus would get bored eventually and give up. Why did his weak attention span have to rapidly develop strength for things like this? It was maddening. Normally he was as prone to getting distracted as a puppy with ADHD.
“How dare you insinuate Allie would invite Lindsay Lohan!” Klaus scoffed, looking absolutely disgusted by the idea. “You love Lindsay Lohan, you never shut the hell up about the goddamn movie with the dolls, or whatever!” Diego snapped with exasperation, kind of embarrassed that he even knew such a movie existed. Goddamn Klaus and his weird shit. “They’re called the plastics, Diego! They’re not made of it!” Klaus exclaimed, even more offended by that error than the mention of Lindsay Lohan. Diego exhaustedly groaned, wondering why he even entered into this ridiculous discussion to begin with. They should’ve just continued to ignore his presence. “Anyways,” Klaus excitedly pointed at Luther “he just called mom a robot!”
Even though Klaus was just stirring the pot - that was true, Luther did just call mom a robot. She wasn’t a robot. She was a person. “Don’t talk about her like that, if she’s just a robot, then Pogo’s just an animal.” Diego tauntingly played the Pogo card, aware how attached Luther was to the chimp. He was probably Luther’s best and only friend.
“Humans are animals too, but robots definitely aren’t human.” Luther was clearly just saying that for the sake of being petty, since he definitely loved their mom too. To be frank, Diego loved Pogo too, but he was just intentionally being a dick. They were both as bad as each other. This entire debacle had started for no discernible reason. “I dare you to say that again.” Diego spat, menacingly squaring up against him. “What are you gonna do? Beat me up?” Luther smirked, literally looking down at Diego. Why was he so goddamn big? It wasn’t fair. “Maybe I’ll stab you.” Diego blurted bashfully, trying to save face. Did Luther really have to be so freakishly tall?
“Don’t let him do that!” Ben nagged at Klaus, not wanting this wedding to turn into a funeral too. His seance brother completely ignored him, gleefully giggling and clapping at the continued arguing. “Stab him, Diego!” Klaus impishly goaded, undoubtedly just to annoy Ben. Thankfully their other two brothers just blanked Klaus, like usual. Who allowed these three to be alone together? They were always a terrible combination, even as kids. Ben couldn’t even mediate anymore. All three of them were equally as immature, but in various different manners. The puerile competition between One and Two was pathetic, and Four was just an unabashed asshole. Sticking them together was a disaster waiting to happen. “Lu, shoot him through the air!” Klaus animatedly demanded, legitimately on the edge of his seat. This was going to end in tears, Ben could see it now. Especially when Allison inevitably found out. This was all growing louder and louder. “Kick him in the dick, Di!”
Impatient with Allison not being brought up, Klaus decided to be the one to churn out that scandalous family secret. Impulse control was something Klaus majorly lacked anyway, but especially after taking such advantage of rich people’s coke. Klaus dramatically gasped and pointed at Diego as if he’d just said something unfathomably atrocious. “Did you just bring up incest?!” Both of his living brothers looked just as intensely thrown by that statement, since no one but Klaus had even implicitly mentioned it. His dead brother on the other hand didn’t seem at all surprised, just stressed. “You heard him say incest, right?!” Klaus mischievously asked Ben, purely because he looked enraged by Klaus’ conniving. God, this fiasco was electrifying! This all made being bought by Reggie worth it.
“Nobody said inc- nobody said anything! Stop attention seeking for one day!” Luther defensively put Klaus in his place, mortified that he’d bring that up. Also, why the hell wasn’t Diego alarmed by him talking to nobody?! He didn’t even look remotely confused. They wonder why dad was so firm with them, as if they weren’t unbelievably chaotic and insolent. It was astounding that dad hadn’t been even stricter. Feeling his cheeks growing blushed, Luther wished he had it in him to get revenge on Klaus. He’d just take it out on Diego instead, he deserved it anyway. “I mean, I didn’t say shit but he has a point...” Diego cockily drawled, appearing pleased with this topic being introduced. “See! I told you he said it! Throw him!” Klaus yelled with an insufferable amount of exhilaration.
Storming across the reception to her three absolute idiot brothers, Allison wasn’t sure which one she was more infuriated by. She should’ve never allowed PR to convince her into inviting them all. What was Allison thinking?! “I heard a rumor...” she sent her powered sound waves to Luther and Diego, deciding to deal with their brutishness first. As their eyes glowed white, Allison took a moment to give Klaus the finger. He was obviously far too entertained to make the realisation that he was going to be next in line. “...that you leave each other alone all night.” There was no point in trying to make them not detest each other, Allison had already tried that countless times since their youth. It never stuck. One and Two’s eyes faded, and they looked at each other with calm confusion. Thank the Lord.
Facing Klaus again, Allison tried to decide how to deal with his innate yearning for drama. There was no getting rid of that overwhelming aspect of his personality. ”I heard a rumor...” Klaus’ eyes flashed white, which unfortunately made Luther and Diego realise that the same had just happened to them. They both began to complain bitterly, which Allison waved an irately dismissive hand at. “...that you come with me.” she decided on persuading, since he couldn’t be trusted on his own - and he was admittedly thoroughly entertaining. At least the other two weren’t going to murder each other now. The press would just love that. The pandemonium of the former academy couldn’t steal Allison’s thunder, she wanted to put every other Hollywood wedding to shame. Especially Kim Kardashian, Allison had unsettled beef with her. Every humiliating rumor she gave that woman just seemed to be willingly accepted by the media.
Sticking her hand out for Klaus to grab in his trance, Allison wanted to bring out her training and scornfully punch the other two. “If either of you ruin things for me, I’ll rumor you into the most embarrassing thing you can possibly imagine.” Allison ominously threatened, which made their eyes grow wide with immense fear. The possibilities were endless, she could make them get put in drag... that idea was amazing, the temptation to do it with no apparent justification was incredibly strong.
Leaving One and Two behind, Allison happily sauntered away with her most destructive yet least violent brother. “Did you just rumor me, bitch?!” Klaus incredulously hissed, attempting and failing to let go of her hand. The rumor had him trapped. Allison’s power was perfection, it was understandable that she was so obsessed with using it. Nothing felt quite as satisfying for her. “Mhm, and I’ll rumor you into sobriety if you cause any more scenes.” That particular rumor never stuck either, but it would be enough to terrify him into behaving. “I like you more than them anyway.” Klaus quickly back-pedalled, like he had any choice in the matter.
Literally unable to speak to one another, Diego and Luther instead just fiercely glowered before heading in their separate ways. None of them had even stopped to consider where Vanya was, they’d frankly forgotten she was even in attendance. Besides Ben, who had the complete and utter inability to actually speak to her. “Being a ghost sucks...” Ben muttered to himself, feeling wildly underdressed in this outfit.