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The game suddenly felt too suffocating for Tsukishima Kei, who quickly exited the gymnasium for a moment of reprieve. It all just felt too much right now. He quickly headed towards the male washroom where he removed the plaster on his arm that was covering a cut. He pressed against it gently and hissed sharply when the wound reopened, crimson droplets streaking down his hand and falling from his fingertips into the ceramic sink that was as pale as his face looking back at him in the mirror.
The pain kept him going on the days he no longer wanted to hold on. The game did too; until that night and now Tsukishima could no longer see volleyball as the beautiful sport he had grown up playing with his brother who was no longer around.
Tears fell – quick and hard as Tsukki bent down to wrap his arms around himself. His voice felt hoarse as though he had been screaming forever but nobody was around to listen. The echoes of the sirens in the distant horizon, the dim glow of red and blue lights, his mother’s anguished wails, his father’s deafening silence. Tsukishima Kei didn’t know how the hell he was supposed to deal with all these memories that refused to be kept in the crevices of his grey matter; instead brandishing themselves at the most unfortunate times – bearing grief and anger.
“Kei?” the familiar voice rang out and the smell of citrus filled the washroom. Tsukishima looked up from where he was doubled over on the floor and met a pair of familiar hazel eyes that were filled with worry.
“Kei!” Kuroo rushed over and embraced the younger middle blocker, grabbing his hand which was starting to bleed profusely now and pulled out tissues from his jacket pocket, trying to stem the flow.
Tsukishima felt as though his body didn’t belong to him anymore. He was looking through a pair of unfamiliar eyes at Kuroo’s actions, wondering why the Nekoma captain was trying his best to save a boy who no longer wanted to be found.
“Kei, look at me,” Kuroo tilted the younger boy’s chin so that his gaze shifted to meet Kuroo’s concerned expression. “What happened?”
Tsukishima shook his head and sniffled a few times, refusing to let someone else carry his burden. If he was resigned to a fate akin to Atlas who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders; then he would do it alone. He no longer wanted to allow others to drown in the immense misery that adored company.
“I’m sorry for going out without informing anyone,” Tsukishima apologised as he struggled to get to his feet. The floor was slippery and he gasped when his shoe skidded and tried to hold onto something. That something just so happened to be Kuroo’s jersey as Kuroo leaped forward to catch him before he could hit the floor.
Slowly helping him up amidst a muffled thanks, Kuroo sighed. “I don’t mind if you leave without telling anyone. I mind if you leave without telling me.”
“Sorry,” Tsukishima whispered. “I should respect you as the captain after all-“
Before he could finish his sentence, Tsukishima found himself pulled forward by Kuroo and wrapped in a warm embrace within the Nekoma captain’s arms. That familiar scene of citrus was stronger now and Tsukishima tried to focus on it instead of how hard his heart was pounding against the confines of his ribcage, akin to a bird seeking freedom.
“Four eyes,” Kuroo chided him and Tsukishima wanted to tell him to continue calling him “Kei,” but the words died on his lips before he could even taste them.
“I’m not mad at you for not telling me because I’m the captain. I’m worried at you for not telling me because every time I look around the court and I don’t spot you standing there with your familiar black-rimmed glasses that encase the most beautiful pair of golden eyes I have ever seen in my life; it feels as though there’s a certain space within me that can’t be filled. But then I spot you somewhere in the crowd; laughing with your teammates at something stupid Chibi-chan did and I swear, Kei, I feel whole. You, make me feel whole.”
Tsukishima Kei had dealt with grief; he had dealt with pain and joy and everything in between. But the one thing he had never dealt with was love or any emotion remotely close to it. Ever since he was young, his parents used to shower their affection onto Akiteru and rarely him. Often times, Tsukishima found himself staring out the window on the nights his namesake was at its brightest, shining through his curtains and illuminating his bedroom with her dim glow.
Why? He used to ask himself. Everyone adores you and likes you even though we’re both named after the same thing but everyone loves you more. I’m not even a star in your constellation; I’m a particle of dust that just orbits you because I’m stuck here without anywhere to go.
Sometimes on lonely nights like those, Tsukishima turned to music to keep him company and when his brother had gifted him those white pair of head-phones he so adored, he remembered it was the first time he had felt genuine happiness. The feeling was different – raw, unfiltered ecstasy flowing through his veins, humming like static electricity.
That was the first time in his fourteen years of living that Tsukishima Kei saw Tsukishima Akiteru for who he was – a loving brother that cared deeply for his family and would do anything for Tsukishima despite Tsukishima harbouring feelings of dislike towards him.
But nothing good stayed forever and the good ones always left too soon. When Tsukishima Kei turned fifteen, he lost the brother he had always loved and hated so much. And in the aftermath of the grief, Tsukishima Kei feared he would go mad from all the pain that was gathering in his mind akin to a thick fog shrouding him until he could no longer see the path before him. Or maybe, the path never existed at all.
That’s why when he looked into these hazel eyes that belonged to the older boy standing in front of him and heard all these words of love that Kuroo had strung together, Tsukishima felt as though he would crumble into a thousand little pieces and never be pieced back together again.
“It’s okay if you don’t give me an answer now,” Kuroo said softy, breaking Tsukishima out of his reverie and jolting him back to the present. “I just wanted you to know that even on the days you feel most alone, you’ll always have me.”
Tears started falling like the rain that was starting to pour outside and Tsukishima found himself breaking down in front of Kuroo. “Why?” he managed to question the captain in between strangled sobs. “Why am I deserving of your love?”
Kuroo looked taken aback at the question, the surprise showing on his face. “Kei, everyone is deserving of love. Who told you that you aren’t?”
Before Tsukishima could reply, Kuroo held him tighter and pressed a kiss to those tousled curls he adored. “Please, Kei. Allow me to love you.”
At that moment, Tsukishima Kei realised that perhaps he had been depriving himself of love all along. All those years Akiteru had loved him in his own, brotherly way; it had just taken him too long to see it. And now Kuroo was willing to love him again, and Tsukishima felt the anxiety beneath his skin prickle like the stab of a thousand needles.
Pain demands to be felt.
Tsukishima nodded, if only for a moment, just to feel the joy that he had lost that night when he found his brother lying on the bathroom floor, shirt stained as red as the blood that seeped under his fingernails. Some of that blood still flowed through Tsukishima and the boy could have cried out at how painful the irony was. But he chose to keep silent and simply nodded again, a silent agreement to learn to love once more.
It was the same night all over again, replaying in his mind like a broken film reel. Tsukishima had come home late from practice with Yamaguchi and the whole household had fallen asleep except for his brother’s bedroom light which was still on.
Tsukishima made his way upstairs slowly and knocked on his brother’s door, opening it to see Akiteru at his table with a similar pair of headphones around his neck as the one he had given his younger brother; but painted black.
“Onii-san,” he greeted politely. “Why are you still up?”
His brother had quickly closed the notebook he was writing in and immediately reached up to remove his headphones. He smiled up at Tsukishima and gestured for his younger brother to take a seat on the bed.
“Hey, I’m just finishing up Calculus homework. Did you just come home from practice?”
Tsukishima nodded in response. “Yamaguchi’s mum dropped me off.”
Akiteru had smiled yet again, a trait he seemed to be doing a lot more of lately; more than usual that was. Tsukishima found it strange though that each time he did, the corner of his lips seemed to drop just slightly more until that smile Tsukishima had grown accustomed to no longer existed.
“I’m glad you have him. Keep the boy close.”
Tsukishima nodded and yawned, getting up from his brother’s bed. “Don’t sleep too late,” he chided his brother as he headed out. “Goodnight!”
“Tsukishima,” Akiteru called out and Tsukishima stopped at the door. “Yeah?”
“I promise I'll always be here.”
Tsukishima frowned, not knowing what to make of his brother’s words and simply nodded in response, bidding him goodnight again before exiting the room.
He awoke at 2 in the morning and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water, stopping halfway in his tracks when he noticed his brother’s bedroom light was still on. Knocking softly on the door, he stepped inside gingerly only to find his brother was neither at his table nor on his bed. That was when he heard the sound of running water in the bathroom and quickly rushed to open the door.
His brother’s body lay on the floor – rivulets of crimson running down both arms as Tsukishima rushed over to cradle Akiteru’s head in his hands, slapping his brother with urgency in his voice.
“Onii-san, wake up. Wake up. AKITERU, WAKE UP! DON’T DO THIS TO ME!”
But the dead don’t speak.
That was the beginning of the end. Their parents slowly fell apart; a domestic couple still but the marriage aspect of it existed solely on paper for display. Tsukishima started to drift away from his friends; only Yamaguchi remaining beside him and keeping him company besides the misery that weighed heavily on his shoulders. He went to Karasuno for the sake of keeping Akiteru’s legacy alive and even joined the volleyball team despite having no passion in it anymore. Because it was the only thing that reminded him of Akiteru and kept him alive in Tsukishima’s memory.
On nights when it all felt too much, he turned to the razors he had found besides Akiteru’s body and ran them across the length of his arm, just to feel something other than the dull, numb, hollow ache that had settled in his chest.
Tsukishima Kei wanted to die when his brother did; because on that night; a part of him died with Akiteru too.
“Hey, Kei. Kei! Wake up!”
Tsukishima jolted awake from his sleep and awoke with a scream lodged in his throat. Rubbing at his eyes and clutching at Kuroo’s hand which was pulling at the collar of his shirt, he realised it was drenched with sweat and his breaths escaped him in short pants.
“Kei,” Kuroo caressed his cheek lovingly as Tsukishima gladly leaned into his touch, leaning against the captain’s shoulder. “Who’s Akiteru?”
Tsukishima froze as he quickly got back up and faced Kuroo who was blinking at him, eyebrow arched.
“You were screaming out his name in your sleep,” Kuroo explained.
Even now you continue to haunt me.
“I-“
“It’s okay,” Kuroo held up his hand and tugged Tsukishima back to him, circling his slim waist with both arms and enveloping him in a hug. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“I do,” Tsukishima replied softly, surprising both himself and his boyfriend with the honest answer. “I do, Kuroo-san.”
Midnight ebbed away into seconds and minutes and hours as the two lovers shared their secrets and the moon shined brightly upon them, bearing witness to it all. This time when Tsukishima cried, Kuroo held him close and promised never to let him go.
Days went by and Nationals were coming up soon. Being on opposite teams; both cat and crow were busy with their respective training schedules and hardly found time to meet each other. But Kuroo made sure ever since that night, to always check up on Tsukishima and take him out for food regularly. Thus, it was with this wish to return the favour that had Tsukishima going to meet Kuroo at one of their usual eating spots.
Kuroo had told him earlier that day that he was taking the others for ramen at the spot they often frequented. Tsukishima had declined the offer gently; but he was hoping to surprise his boyfriend later on after Karasuno had ended their practice.
He soon reached the shop and peered inside, golden eyes shining even brighter when they landed upon a familiar raven-haired boy. But before he could approach him, a certain blonde boy with dyed roots was leaning into Kuroo, showing him something on his phone. And when Kuroo laughed, it was unlike the laugh he had shared with Tsukishima on the days they spent together. This one seemed louder, more passionate, more alive.
Before Tsukishima could convince himself that these thoughts in his head were merely figments of his own insecurities projected back at him; the anxiety started creeping in, bead by bead like cold sweat, pricking at his skin like a thousand little sharp knives. It started slowly, biting at the edges, until it consumed him whole.
He ran all the way home, not bothering to greet his parents who now sat apart from each other on the couch. Running to his room, he threw his bag to the ground and grabbed the framed picture he had of Akiteru from his dresser and threw it against the wall; screaming in frustration.
He couldn’t care less if his mum had heard or his dad. Couldn’t care less if his screams had reached Heaven and beyond. All he wanted was for this pain to disappear like Akiteru did.
Snatching up the razor from under his pillow where he had left it this morning, he ran his finger along the sharp edge to make sure it was sharp enough to draw blood. Satisfied with the crimson drop on the tip of his thumb, he headed into the bathroom and locked the door.
Unlike Akiteru, he didn’t want to be found. Turning on the tap in a similar manner, he lay down on the tiled floor and willed himself not to cry. The gesture was finished in two swift moves; sharp gasps escaping him after each. Laying down on the floor as the light above him slowly dimmed, Tsukishima finally realised what Akiteru had seen in his final moments. Nothing; it was just empty.
The smell of antiseptic greeted him when he awoke, the faint beeping of machines the only sound piercing the silence. He slowly got up and turned to the side to see both his hands covered in bandages.
Oh, so he was still alive even after all of this.
A groan sounded beside him and he turned to see Kuroo raising his head from the side of the bed where he had been sleeping.
“Kei!” he gasped, pulling the younger boy into a hug and Tsukishima let himself be wrapped within those warm, loving hands once more. Kuroo pulled away and only then did he notice the dark circles beneath those red-rimmed hazel eyes.
“Kuroo-san,” Tsukishima reached out to caress his boyfriend’s cheek just as Kuroo had done all those nights they had spent together. “Did you sleep here the whole day?”
“Kei,” Kuroo’s voice cracked when he spoke. “You were out for three days. I thought I lost you.”
Tsukishima’s eyes widened at that piece of information as he lifted his wrist and picked at the bandages until Kuroo slapped his hand away.
“Kei,” Kuroo called his lover and Tsukishima felt his heart breaking in two as he recalled the last thing he remembered seeing before the darkness.
“You looked so happy with Kenma,” Tsukishima said in a whisper and Kuroo had to strain to hear him. “You guys were laughing at something on your phone. You never laughed like that with me.”
His voice trailed off and broke into sobs.
“Please, I can’t lose you too.”
Kuroo hurriedly pulled his boyfriend gently into an embrace and stroked his tousled curls to comfort him. “Ssh, Kei. Wherever did you get that idea? Kenma and I are best friends, nothing less and nothing more. You’re the only person I love, and want to spend the rest of my life loving. Fuck, Kei. You’re never going to lose me, I promise.”
“Don’t,” Tsukishima managed to choke out between strangled sobs. “Don’t promise me I won’t lose you because Akiteru said that too and he –“
“God, Kei.” Kuroo’s voice wavered on the verge of tears as he hugged Tsukishima tighter. “I promise I won’t leave you, ever.”
They pulled apart and Kuroo closed his eyes as he pressed his forehead against Tsukishima’s. “I promise,” he whispered as Tsukishima closed his eyes and let himself drown in his lover’s voice. “Because I can’t bear the thought of losing you either.”
Tsukishima Kei smiled genuinely this time as Kuroo pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. Somedays the weight of the world felt too heavy on his shoulders. But with Kuroo by his side, somehow Tsukishima knew he would be alright after all.