Chapter Text
June 18th, 1978
The half-moon windows were open, letting a nice summer breeze dance with the curtains. You sat at your desk, your quill scratching away at the parchment beneath you. Your student, Severus Snape, was laying on his back among the pillows and cushions in the pit, flipping through yellowed pages in an old book.
“Are you going to be at graduation?” You asked, not looking up from your paperwork.
“No. My dorm-mates aren’t going. And she’s not even going to be there, so why should I?” He responded, shifting slightly among the soft fabrics.
“Who’s she?” You raised a curious brow, glancing up at him for a moment.
He rolled onto his stomach and looked down. He sighed. “It doesn’t matter.”
You took a moment to scratch your arm, confused at the sudden change in his demeanor. “It sounds like it matters a lot to you.” You prodded.
He rolled his eyes and pressed his face into the center of the scuffed book.
You sighed after a few moments of silence. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine.” You assured calmly, dipping your quill into the ink well as you continued writing.
There was a beat of silence. He sighed, pulling the book away from his hooked nose. “It’s my mother.” He explained.
You stopped scratching your quill at the parchment and you looked up at him. He wasn’t looking at you, or even anything in the room. His eyes were unfocused and distant as his fingers fiddled with the corners of forgotten pages.
“Do you want her to be there?” You asked softly.
“No… I don’t know why I even said that.” He muttered, turning onto his side and facing away from you.
“Does she matter a lot to you?” You asked.
He shrugged his shoulders. “Not like I matter to her.”
Your heart cracked. You stood up from your desk and sat on the floor, cross-legged behind him. You reached out a hand and rubbed his back in gentle circles. You looked at your lap and exhaled. “Why do you say that?” You asked, evenly.
You felt his back rise under your hand before falling as he sighed deeply. “She wasn’t there… She hasn’t been there. She doesn’t even write ‘me. Not even for the holidays.”
You swallowed the woeful lump in your throat. “Do you want her to come to your graduation?” You asked, twirling a dark lock of his hair that had draped across his shoulder blade.
“I don’t even know what I’d do if I saw her.” He murmured. “Like… would I be happy? Would I be disappointed? Would I be mad that she shows up all of a sudden after ignoring me my whole life?” His voice raised as he kept speaking, a sharpened edge embedding his final words.
Your teeth grated down on your lips further as he continued talking. You had known his home life was bad, but you never knew he was outright neglected. “You don’t deserve that,” You hissed, squaring your shoulders. You stopped rubbing his shoulder and dug your nails into your lap instead.
He peered at your hardened features from over his shoulder. “Deserve what?” He questioned, his eyes scanning up and down your face.
You stopped chewing your lip, your mouth catching his eyes' attention. “You don’t deserve that. A mother who has neglected you and only bothers to pay attention when you’ve achieved something? When you’ve finished something?” Your tone laced with pure venom. “Where’s the love in that?” Tears pricked your eyes as you stared at your flexed fingers.
He licked his lips, still focusing on yours. “There is none.”
Your shoulders fell as well as your face and breath. “Has she ever… shown you any love?” You nearly whispered, your fingertips barely relaxing their assault on your thighs.
He sat up, stretching his long legs out. He sucked his upper teeth and looked at his knees. “Maybe she has, once or twice. I can’t remember anymore.” He stared at the fingers gripping your lap tightly.
You stared at the same fingers, your eyes glistening in sorrow. “How could she not love you? How could she not pay any attention to you?” You mourned. “You’re respectful, you’re brilliant. You’re a lovely boy that any mother should be proud of and would be more than lucky to have.”
His stained fingers wrapped around your wrist, his nimble thumb tracing alien shapes into your skin. Your head snapped up to look at him. He glanced up from your lips to look into your eyes. His eyes were swirling with something you couldn’t quite place.
“You really think so?” He whispered, his tongue darting out to wet his lips.
“I know so-” You began, confidently.
You never did get to finish that sentence.
Severus quickly closed the space between you two, his mouth firm on yours.
You didn’t kiss back. You were frozen solid as if you were trapped in cursed ice.
He was pressing further into your lips, trying to deepen the kiss. His other hand reached up to your cheek. He stroked a scarred finger across your skin before you snapped back into reality.
You gasped loudly and pulled away from him as quickly as possible. Your hands caught you before you fell on your back. “What in Merlin just happened-” You sputtered, with a red face and tears that you didn’t realize had fallen. Your knees pressed into your chest, kicking off of the ground and scooting you closer to the desk you considered safe as you clutched desperately behind you.
His hands were suspended in the air. He looked horrified. His countenance rivaled the giant squid’s- it turned white, then pink, then red, then blue. As he turned purple he quickly sucked in a large breath, his face turning back to red. “Prof-professor, I’m- I’m so- I’m so sorry-” He stuttered.
You continued to stare at him incredulously, your chest rising and falling in rapid breaths.
He avoided your face. “I don’t- I didn’t- I have no idea what- what came over me!” He stammered, wringing his hands together.
You shifted, sitting on your knees and facing him. “Why did you-”
“I don’t know!” He blurted, before slapping his hands to his treacherous mouth.
You jumped, your hands further gripping the wood behind you as your back pressed against the solid surface.
“S-sorry! I didn’t mean to yell! N-not at you!” He apologized, holding his hands out placatingly. He started to breathe heavily, moving his hands to the emerald striped tie that was currently too tight around his neck. He started wringing it, wrinkling the fabric and trying to pull it away from his neck. He made a choking sound.
“Stop, stop!” You intervened, grabbing his fidgeting hands. “You’re going to hurt yourself!” You warned.
He nodded, still breathing heavily. His hands ran down his face instead, pulling at his skin and any stray hairs unlucky enough to be caught in the crossfire.
You loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top buttons of his white collar. “Okay, now deep breaths. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Hold a moment before release.” You demonstrated, putting your hands on his trembling shoulders.
After some moments of patience, he followed your lead. His breathing calmed, and so did his self-destructive fidgeting, but the burning crimson hue of his cheeks didn’t. His head dropped and he let out an elongated sigh. “I’m so sorry.” He murmured. “I don’t know what came over me, kissing a teacher-” He buried his searing face into his stuttering hands.
You patted his head awkwardly. “There, there.” You grimaced. “It was an accident… although a weird one. Please never talk about this to anyone.”
He inhaled deeply, nodding his head. “I’m just- I’m just going to go back to my common room.” He thought aloud, standing up.
“Maybe that would be for the best…” You followed his lead, patting his back. “See you in class tomorrow.” You took your seat at your desk and tried to focus enough to continue doing paperwork.
You didn’t realize Severus was still in your classroom until he cleared his throat. You looked up at him.
“Yes?” You asked.
“Professor-” He began, wringing his tie and standing in front of the closed door. “What if- what if it wasn’t an accident?”
You stared up at him, confused. “What do you mean?”
His voice faltered as his mouth opened and closed. With a quick shake of his head, he crossed the room with urgency and stopped at your desk. He leaned over, his hands on opposite sides of your paperwork. He was in your personal space, but you didn’t move, still staring at him with wide and confused eyes. He breathed deeply, the warm air fanning across your face. “What if I meant it? To kiss you?”
Your mouth opened slightly, before closing again. You set your quill in its well and folded your hands on top of the desk. “W-what?”
“ Please, ” He urged. “Tell me- tell me you care. Tell me you feel the same-” His voice rasped, “the- the same about me. ”
“Severus-” You began, blinking your eyes and shaking your head. “I can’t. You’re my student- I can’t just-” You lost your voice. “It’s unprofessional.” You muttered, holding your head down.
“What if I wasn’t?” He pressed.
“If you weren’t-?”
“If I wasn’t your student.” He dug his nails into the desk, his knuckles turning white.
“You are though-” You furrowed your eyebrows and grimaced. “Severus, I cannot have this conversation with a student.”
His words spilled out at a rapid pace, “I’m graduating this week. I’ll be there. I’ll be there if you’re there. I’ll show up so you can have me as I am-” He implored desperately, trying to grab your hands.
“Severus Snape!” You pulled your hands away and stood up, your chair screeching in protest as its curled legs scraped across the floor. “That is enough! Leave my office at once.”
He stared at you for a while, still breathing heavily. You held your ground, eyes set harshly on his. He pushed himself up off of your desk and stormed out of your office, his emerald robes following behind him in a flourish. He ripped open the door and turned around for a moment to glare at you. He slammed it shut with a scowl on his face. For a few moments, it was silent. You stayed standing, staring at the door as your harsh eyes dissipated. You heard him sigh behind your door before his heavy steps echoed unevenly down the hall.
You crumbled into your seat and held your face in your hands, knowing the stack of paperwork sitting before you won’t get done in this lifetime.