Archive of Our Own

David held the phone to his ear while he scrambled around the Motel room for some clothes, hurriedly throwing them into his bag.

‘Hey, what’s up?’ if Patrick was surprised he was calling, he didn’t show it. Probably assuming he had some crazy idea to pitch him or something.

‘Can you...come and get me?’ David managed to choke out through tears and trying not to hyperventilate.

‘David?!’ the alarm in Patrick’s voice was immediate and David could hear him getting up and moving at the other end of the line ‘What’s happened? Are you ok?’

‘Just...the Motel, please?’ he stood still trying to calm himself enough to speak ‘I’ll be outside.’

‘Give me ten minutes’ Patrick hung up.

David breathed a sigh of relief. He threw a sweater on top of the bag and shoved his phone in his pocket and ran out the door slamming it behind him. There was still yelling from the adjoining room. Just his Mom. He pictured his Dad stoically listening to the tirade and he felt a pang of guilt. He wiped at his damp face, only really succeeding in smearing damp tears over it. He winced, hitting his cheek, remembering and looked at his hand. Blood. Fuck. Patrick would have questions.

‘I’m leaving!’ he yelled running out the door to his room and slamming the door behind him.

He didn’t have time to think about it, as Patrick’s car was pulling into the parking lot. It had been barely 6 or seven minutes and he must have broken several speed limits to get there. David started walking towards the car before he even got near the parking spaces. As he did he heard the door behind him open and saw his Dad look out. He glanced back and saw his Dad exchange a look with Patrick who had just stopped the car. David got in, huddling the bag up to his chest.

‘Thank you.’ he said quietly.

‘David what the hell is going on?’ Patrick sounded both mildly exasperated and confused. He looked over at David, who looked at him with an expression that resembled a puppy that had been kicked. His exasperation melted into relief that whatever was wrong he was here now and could try and fix it. ‘Hey.’ he said and leaned over and kissed him.

Patrick’s welcome kiss coincided with his hand on David’s cheek, and exactly where the cut was.

‘Ow. Fuck. Sorry!’ he exclaimed as he winced and pulled back. His hand went automatically up to his cheek, and they both saw the blood on his hand. Patrick flicked on the interior light and looked at his own hand.

‘Fuck David. What the hell?’ Patrick turned his chin to look at him. David hadn’t even seen it.

‘It’s just a scratch. Looks worse than it is.’

‘It’s still bleeding.’ Patrick said, reaching over him to the glove compartment and pulling out a small packet of kleenex. He raised an eyebrow asking permission before leaning over and dabbing at the cut. ‘It’s not deep.’ he said ‘Just caught your cheekbone...as prominent as they are I guess that’s to be expected.’ he wiped at the blood and handed David another tissue to cover it. He folded it and held it there while Patrick wiped his hands. ‘We’ll clean it up at home.’

David nodded. ‘Thanks.’

There was a pause. Patrick considered just driving them home and dealing with it all later. But he couldn’t. He had to check. Right now about 100 different scenarios were running through his head from David walking into a wall to something more sinister. Though walking into a wall wasn’t unlikely the rest pointed if not to the most sinister, at least to something more.

‘David you’re gonna have to tell me.’ he said evenly.

David nodded and wiped at his now unattractively snotty nose. ‘My Mom threw a teacup at me. Well, the wall next to me. It shattered and well…’ he gestured.

Patrick waited.

‘We had a huge fight.’ David said. ‘My Dad’s with her. She’ll be fine.’

‘Ok.’ Patrick said, turning on the engine. Satisfied for now. Endeared by David, despite being desperate to get out of there, for whatever had happened, also making sure Moira was ok. As they turned out of the parking lot, at a sensible speed this time, Patrick reached over and took his hand.

‘Thank you.’ David said again his voice quiet and soft. Patrick nodded in the dark. He could find out what had happened later. For now he was relieved to get David out of there and whatever had gone on.

Patrick’s apartment was still in a state of ‘half moved in’ he had the basics but it wasn’t decorated, and boxes, including a few he’d had shipped from storage at home, still littered the space. Still it already felt like ‘home’ to David, despite his other reservations. And for a moment on walking in, he felt calm. He stood in the doorway and breathed out a bit. Patrick took his bag off him and jerked his head towards the kitchen.

Patrick looked him up and down once they were in the light. He took David’s bag off him and looked. He looked exhausted. His eyes were red and puffy and he was pale. He was wearing the same clothes from earlier, but he looked fully dishevelled. Like he’d been pulling at his sweater, scrunching his hands up in it, the way he did sometimes when he was really wound up. His hair somehow at gone flat and Patrick wondered not for the first time if it was some kind of weird barometer of his mood. The cut on his cheek wasn’t big, less than an inch across, and not deep, but it looked sore, and it still trickled with a bit of blood.

‘Ok let’s clean that first.’ Patrick said, ‘Sit down while I find the stuff.’

David nodded, sitting himself down at the kitchen table. Patrick flicked the kettle on while he reached into a cupboard for the First Aid kit. He got a bowl out and filled it with warm water and sat down opposite him tilting his chin again to look at the cut.

‘I imagine you’re going to make a fuss when I do this?’ Patrick half smiled, trying to at least make some light of it. David dutifully raised an eyebrow. Working quickly Patrick cleaned at the cut, involuntarily wincing when he realised it was a bit deeper than he first thought. He reached over for some antiseptic lotion and dabbed it on as gently as he could. To his credit David screwed up his nose but didn’t object. When he finished Patrick swiped at his nose with the cotton wool.

‘All done.’ he said, pushing back to throw the supplies away and make the tea. He felt David’s hand on his arm for a second and glanced down with a nod. He got up and made them tea. Setting the cup in front of David, who pulled it towards him, holding on with both hands.

‘Thanks.’ he said quietly. ‘You probably think I’m ridiculous’

‘In many ways, yes.’ Patrick said, reaching over and poking his boyfriend’s hand with a finger so he’d look at him ‘Right now I’m just kinda worried.’

David lifted his eyes finally, and nodded. ‘We had a fight.’

‘You and your Mom.’ that much was confirmed ‘Am I to take it got...bad’

David nodded. ‘As you might imagine, knowing both of us as you do...when we fight...well we fight.’ he wiped at his eyes again and looked down into his tea. ‘Normally it’s just the kind of bitchy back and forth you’ve seen, sometimes with added venom, sometimes we just don’t speak for a while and sometimes…’ he shrugged.

‘It explodes.’ Patrick could imagine. Both of them with, how to put it? a flair for the dramatic. But also both of them felt everything deeply, he knew that from being with David, and he knew, for as much as he sometimes didn’t want to admit it, he got that from his Mom. He knew too, that whether he knew it or not, David always longed to be both a bit like his Mom and to have her approval. He also knew that while David was often exasperated with his Mom, that there had been darker periods in her past, it didn’t take much of a leap to see how their relationship could turn...explosive.

David nodded. ‘It doesn’t happen often but when it does.’ he rolled his eyes. He could feel the tightness in his chest building again. This always happened too. Anxiety spiraling after. She knew how to push his buttons like nobody else. And if he wasn’t careful he would end up in a full blown panic attack.

And of course the fear of it was enough to tip him over the edge.

One second he was quietly staring into his tea, thankful for his patient kind boyfriend. The next he couldn’t breathe. He was suddenly cold all over, his chest tightened. He tried to concentrate on here and now on the table the mug in his hands. Usually now he could talk himself down to a normal level anxiety attack, it wasn’t surprising today that he went from zero to 100.

Patrick had been watching him closely. He knew David’s mannerisms well enough by now that he registered the slight shift a microsecond before David’s hand started to shake and the tea went all over him. He cried out in pain and shot up in his seat dropping the mug with a bang that startled him more.

He felt the pain from the tea on his hands but that was short-lived. It was quickly overwhelmed by the familiar, but always terrifying feeling of impossible tightness in his chest. He was also aware he was shaking, and sweating, which was an altogether unpleasant combination. And he was dizzy. The world was spinning but he couldn’t stand still, he paced in a circle in Patrick’s living area. But he wasn’t looking where he was going and it was still fairly unfamiliar space, and one littered with half unpacked boxes. He tripped and half fell catching himself. He couldn’t get up again. He was leaning on the box, half kneeling where he fell trying to breathe. He jumped when Patrick touched his back. But he didn’t move away, he couldn’t.

‘Ok. I’m going to touch your back David.’ Patrick had said, not sure if he could hear him, approaching slowly he did as he’d said, just one hand on his back as he knelt down next to him. ‘Ok David it’s just me, I’m just going to wait here a second ok?’

Patrick exhaled slowly. He’d seen some of David’s anxiety attacks before. He’d learned how to help him through them, but this was clearly next level. He tried to calm his own nerves, him getting anxious wasn’t going to help. He ran a hand down David’s back, once then twice. He didn’t move, or respond, but Patrick took both of those as a good thing, in the scheme of things. He glanced around the room thinking.

‘Ok David, we’re going to move ok?’ he said, the idea forming, ‘Do you think you can do that? We’ll get somewhere more comfortable...safer yeah? We’re gonna just wait this out ok?’ he ran his hand up and down David’s back a couple more times before getting up. ‘David give me your arm ok? Can you trust me to do that?’

David was just about hearing Patrick’s voice. He was shaking more violently than he could suppress now and it was overwhelming him. His breathing was shallow and it was also all he could really hear. Like being underwater. He managed to understand Patrick asking him to move, and when he didn’t he felt him take his arm.

‘Ok, that’s good.’ Patrick said, feeling the weight of David leaning on him. ‘We’re going over here, away from the boxes, where it’s dark ok?’

He led David, who was still shaking violently but seemed ok to move. Slowly at least. Taking him to the side of his bed. The little nook between the desk, bed and wall was a tiny box of space. He used his free hand to pull pillows off the bed and throw them down. And as he lowered himself down to the impromptu pillow nest he grabbed the old woolen blanket off the foot of the bed too.

‘Alright then let’s sit here ok?’ he tugged at David’s arm. This seemed to trigger something in him because he froze, his breathing getting more erratic. ‘Ok it’s ok David just come down here next to me ok? I promise you it’s ok.’

He wanted to go to Patrick. All he wanted in his conscious brain was to curl himself around him and forget today ever happened. But his short-circuited brain wouldn’t let him. He froze. Struggling to breathe, he panicked more, trying to get air into his lungs, frozen to the spot, he started to see spots.

Patrick realised something was wrong immediately- more wrong- and jumped up, he took both David’s hands in his and squeezed. ‘It’s ok. I’m here, you’re in my apartment remember? It’s all ok. It’s just us here. You’re fine.’ David’s hands were clammy and he was still shaking and right now clearly struggling to breathe. He also wasn’t looking at him, avoiding eye contact looking around as if searching for something to grab onto. ‘It’s me David ok, you’re fine you’re with me and it’s going to be ok, I just need you to breathe for me ok. Just breathe and we can deal with everything else later. You’re going to breathe and then we’re going to sit down together for a bit ok? It’s all fine.’ he ran his thumbs over the tops of David’s hands in a rhythmic motion as he spoke ‘That’s it.’ He said seeing a little more steady rhythm in David’s breathing, he cast his eyes down, settling on looking at their hands, Patrick took that as a promising sign. . ‘Ok that’s good, do you think you can sit down now?’

David nodded. He was looking at Patrick but also looking through him somehow. Not quite there then he reasoned. Patrick got back down on the floor, carefully keeping hold of one of David’s hands and then gently tugged him down with him. David sat, not quite touching him, pulling his knees up to his chest. Patrick grabbed the blanket off the floor. ‘Ok I’m gonna try something, you tell me if you don’t like it ok?’ he said holding onto the blanket. ‘I’m gonna make us a little fort ok?’ David didn’t respond, but he didn’t object. Patrick kneeled up a bit and threw the heavy blanket over David, and himself pulling himself under and arranging the blanket around them. It wasn’t that heavy a blanket, but the weight of it was comforting to Patrick, and it blocked out around 80% of the light too. Mercifully as the blanket hit them and settled he heard David let out an exhale. Patrick scooted a bit closer and looped his arm through David’s and held on lightly, letting him know he was close, but not trying to overwhelm him. David dropped his head to rest on his folded arms.

‘Ok I’m just going to sit here with you a bit ok?’ Patrick said. Taking the silence as an agreement he waited.

David felt a wave of, if not calm, then calming sensation as Patrick threw the blanket over them. He felt his breathing slow a bit for the first time, he tried to concentrate on that. Patrick looped an arm through his and spoke again, though he didn’t quite hear what he said. He focused on breathing in and out. On the weight of the blanket on him. That was better. He could breathe again now. Maybe it was over. As if sensing his relief his legs started to shake. Slightly at first, then more violently, the rest of his body followed. He heard himself let out a frightened noise of alarm, this was terrifying, more so than not breathing, which he at least understood, his body had developed a life of its own this time and he was scared. He felt Patrick’s grip tighten immediately.

‘It’s ok. You’re safe, we’ve got our fort yeah?’ He felt Patrick scoot closer again ‘David can you talk to me? It might help?’

David exhaled, ‘Ok.’ he managed ‘What about?’ he was fighting with his shaking body and his speech was slightly rattled and slurred.

‘Anything, anything you want to bore me about but I’d roll my eyes at.’ Patrick took a risk now David was more engaged and reached his left arm around him. He could feel how violently he was shaking and it scared him. But he gripped tighter, he put his right arm on David’s left and held as fast as he could. ‘Tell me about Oprah.’

He felt David try and laugh. ‘Ok. Ok.’ he breathed ‘Oprah is...Oprah is the Queen of all things she…’ he flailed his brain was blank ‘I can’t, I’ve got...I dunno’ he felt panic rising.

‘Ok ok different plan I’ll talk.’ Patrick gave him a squeeze which he wasn’t sure he felt through another violent shiver, ‘I will tell you about Spreadsheets. That will bore you into ...something.’

‘No.’ David managed.

‘No?’ Patrick was surprised at the strength of his answer. That was probably a good sign.

David could feel some of his focus coming back now. But he needed something, something more to hang on to. ‘Tell me...something about you. Your life, something I don’t know. Anything.’ he wanted something to hang on to. Spreadsheets wouldn’t do it. He pulled himself into Patrick. He could feel the dizziness back again now and he just needed to feel like he was grounded in something.

Patrick searched frantically, for something, anything. ‘My dog!’ he said suddenly, he knew David had a not-so-secret love of dogs however much it didn’t quite fit his image. ‘My dog, she was called Chrissy. We got her when I was twelve. I’d begged for like 2 years for a dog. She was the best dog. Everyone says that obviously, but she really was. She was a Cairn, which is like Toto from The Wizard of Oz except she was this blonde-ginger colour- they come in that kind too. Anyway, my Mom, she really didn’t want a dog, but my Dad and I wore her down. And anyway my Dad heard about this lady who had a puppy for sale, I know you should rescue but this lady bred the dogs for showing herself, but this one- Chrissy- wasn’t good enough to be a show dog, she was too small, and her ears were too big- they were huge and floppy and too big for her little face.’ he felt David chuckle, and he thought he sensed his breathing even out. So he plodded on. ‘So we got this puppy. And she was a terror. We’re talking like Hurricane Chrissy. She chewed half of my parent’s house. She chased things, she couldn’t be trained. For like a year we battled with this little whirlwind of terror...and then she turned into the perfect dog. This little furry Angel who would do anything you asked her to... for a biscuit anyway. Actually she reminds me of someone else in that way.’ David for sure chuckled then. ‘And she was my Mom’s best friend. The one who didn’t want a dog don’t forget. I’d come home from school and find her sitting on my Mom’s lap. Or waiting at her feet for scraps of dinner. Again someone else I know.’ David made a soft noise that might have been an agreement. ‘Anyway we had that dog for 17 years. They live a long time Wizard of Oz dogs it turns out. She was there through high school, college, all my crappy jobs post college. Crappy relationships.’ David leaned into him ‘And she got old and it was the saddest thing. We had her put to sleep just before I moved here actually, it was one of the worst days of my life. Ah, sorry.’ Patrick realised he was crying and wiped his face on his sleeve. ‘Well that didn’t work as a cheer you up story did it? nice work Patrick, talk about your dead dog.’ something in his voice caught then, and he felt David’s hand reach up to his right arm and squeeze.

‘She sounds like a good dog.’ David said. His heart was still pounding but he could hear, he could see. He felt like he’d woken up. He couldn’t really see Patrick in the dark but he sensed him wiping at his eyes. And through all of his own nonsense he felt something pull at his chest quite apart from that. It wasn’t that Patrick didn’t show emotion, far from it David could read everything he was feeling from the way he was standing some days. And he didn’t hold back in telling David how he felt in any respect- good or bad, for better or worse some days. It was just he saw less of this side of him, he was naturally more stoic, reserved than David. And he had to wonder sometimes, if letting himself be more vulnerable was a hangover from past relationships where he couldn’t let all of himself show.

‘She was.’ Patrick said softly.

‘I like it when you tell me things like that.’ David said quietly, leaning his weight onto Patrick.

Patrick leaned back and nodded. He knew what David was saying without saying. He didn’t wear his emotions as easily as David- it wasn’t that he didn’t let him know how he was feeling. And in all honestly they probably needed some balance of that between them. But also he knew he could do more, at letting David see some of that. He had to keep reminding himself he didn’t need to hide any of himself any more. Even a year in that took work. But it was getting easier.

He squeezed David with his left arm ‘Hey, how are you doing over there.’

David hummed. ‘Better.’ he said exhaling.

‘Good. Good.’ Patrick ran his hand up and down David’s back in a steady rhythm for a bit. Letting them sit in the quiet, come down off all the adrenaline. He felt David’s breathing slowly even out, the last of the shaking seemed to have subsided, but he kept on a while longer, just to be sure. He felt David lean heavier on him, then drop his head to the side. He went a bit limp which Patrick took as a good sign. He kept up the rhythm until his arm ached. ‘Ok?’ he asked eventually and felt David nod into him. Patrick gave him a squeeze and let them sit a while, still in the little fort, letting everything settle again.

David moved first, shifting slightly as his back hurt, Patrick uncurled himself from him. He pulled the blanket off their heads and let it rest on their knees. He smirked as he looked at David.

‘What?’ he frowned.

‘Nothing.’ Patrick smiled. ‘Your hair is looking...special.’

David pawed at it a bit but gave up.

Patrick frowned ‘Your hands ok? From the tea?’

David held them out in front of him. There was a small patch of red on the left one, across the knuckles, and another on the right at the base of his thumb. Could have been worse he decided. ‘It’s ok.’ he said. Regardless Patrick took his hand in his and ran a thumb over it. David winced a bit.

‘I’ll get some cream for it.’ He rested a hand on David’s knee ‘You ok for a minute?’

David nodded, pulling the blanket up to him, not really against any cold but the weight of it was comforting. Patrick nodded and got up. He went to the kitchen and retrieved some cream from the First Aid kit that was good for burns. Then he flicked on the kettle, picking up the discarded, and luckily unbroken mug. He put both of them in the sink and got fresh ones. Letting the tea brew for a second he got a packet of chocolate cookies out of the cupboard, and somehow balancing all of it- cream shoved in pockets, cookie pack under an arm, made his way back to David. He handed the mug down, and tossed the cookies onto the blanket, before lowering himself back down and rearranging their ‘fort’ back over his legs, so he could scoot himself closer to David. He handed up a cookie, which he took gratefully.

‘Did you eat tonight?’ Patrick asked suddenly realising it was late, and he didn’t know how long...whatever had gone on for. David shook his head. Patrick offered him another cookie. Which he took. They sat for a few minutes in silence.

‘It started when I got home.’ he said ‘Around four I guess.’

Patrick nodded slowly, it had been around 8 when David called him so that was already giving him a scale of the thing.

‘That’s how it goes.’ he said slowly nibbling the cookie ‘Something starts and it just goes and goes and...four hours later you’re ducking teacups I guess.’ Patrick took another cookie letting him talk. ‘It doesn’t happen often- not any more- but when it does.’ he shook his head.

‘What was it about?’ Patrick asked carefully, conscious this could be explosive in another way.

David shrugged and reached for another cookie. ‘Nothing, everything. As usual.’ he sipped his tea delaying. ‘It started with me ‘snapping’ at her’ Patrick could hear the quotation marks even if his hands were both occupied. ‘And then it turns into something else, and I know, I just fucking know when she’s been sitting on something for weeks, because this...this is what happens.’ he went to gesture, tried to rescue his tea. Spilled it anyway. ‘I’m sorry.’ he said, his face crumpling as he started to cry, ‘I’ve ruined your blanket…’ hot tears streamed down his face as he tried to cover it with his hands.

‘Hey, hey.’ Patrick said, taking the tea off him, and wrapping his arm over David’s shoulder pulling him over so he could rest his head. ‘It’s had worse.’ he kissed his head ‘It’s had worse from you, after you ate spaghetti in bed last week.’ David huffed, then sniffed a bit. ‘We don’t have to talk about it right now.’ Patrick reassured him, stroking his hair. He’d meant it as reassuring, but it elicited a series of sobs from David instead. ‘Hey, hey…’ Patrick pulled him over so he was fully in his lap and doubled himself over to hug him, trying his best to cover as much of him as possible. He let him cry for a bit before sitting up a little and running his fingers through his now truly messy hair. ‘You wanna tell me what this is about?’ Sometimes direct clear questioning was the only way to get through. David shrugged on his lap. ‘Ok hold on.’ Patrick said, easing him up. ‘Back in the fort.’ he shoved David up, but instead of fashioning the ‘fort’ over their heads, Patrick stood up, flung the blanket over his desk chair on one side, then resting it on the bed, weighing with a spare pillow, he managed to secure a passable ‘fort’ shape. He pulled the comforter off the bed and the remaining pillows, shoving David around a bit to arrange them.

‘Come on.’ he said finally, arranging himself lying sideways on a pile of the blankets, patting the space next to him. David looked confused, but wiping his nose complied and lay parallel to Patrick, who reached out to cup his cheek, running a thumb over the cut. ‘Your Mom loves you.’ he reassured him, ‘And I get that she’s...well…’ Patrick didn’t have a word for whatever Moira Rose is. ‘But I bet she’s as upset as you are.’

David flicked his eyes down. ‘She said I was a ‘horrible child’.’ he said quietly. ‘And that I didn’t care about her.’ he looked up ‘Of course I care it’s just I’ve got...things now and...she wanted me to...but now she’s…’ he looked up, and Patrick’s hand caught the tears as they started to fall again.

Suddenly the pieces fell into place a bit. Patrick was if nothing else adept at translating David’s ramblings now. ‘Do you think…’ he said carefully, ‘She’s feeling a bit...neglected now you have the Store, and you’re so busy with…’ he smiled a little ‘Life again?’

David looked down and nodded, Patrick’s hand was still on his cheek, and he used it to pull David closer and kiss him gently. ‘You aren’t angry?’ David whispered.

Patrick shook his head, he couldn’t help but smile. ‘Why would I be?’

David shrugged, and reached out for Patrick’s waist, pulling them closer. ‘You might think I would, I dunno put my Mom first because she got mad and threw a teacup, or you might think maybe he is a horrible person and…’

Patrick silenced him with a kiss ‘You’re a good person David.’ he ran his hand across the back of his neck ‘And you love your Mom. And she knows that. And if you need to spend more time with her to let her know that, it’s ok.’

David nodded slowly. ‘It’s always been harder on her I think.’ he said, and Patrick could feel him twisting his fingers into the fabric of his sweater. ‘But I thought you know, she has her job now and the choir and…’ he closed his eyes, ‘The rest of us sort of found things here.’ he smiled ‘Not just things.’ Patrick smiled back.

‘Look you all had a massive change to your lives, and you’re doing great, but sometimes maybe it just catches up with people.’ Patrick looked down, ‘Look I know it catches up with me sometimes still, no matter how good things are.’

David bit his lip and nodded. He thought often about whether Patrick missed his old life- not his old relationship, but he’d had a whole, presumably happy enough life before he moved here. It wasn’t like his family, forced here, but he still must miss things. ‘You miss it?’ he asked ‘Your old life, home, whatever?’

Patrick thought for a second. ‘Bits of it.’ he answered honestly, ‘You know I miss being close to my parents’ David pulled at Patrick’s sweater a bit then, ‘And sure I miss some of my friends, sometimes miss being closer to a big city.’

‘Don’t we all. For the Sushi if nothing else.’ David said with a smirk.

‘Yes David Sushi is exactly what I miss about life.’ Patrick said with an eye roll, glad to see some of the normal David was back.

‘Actually I think I miss Thai Food more.’ David mused.

‘Hungry are we?’ Patrick smiled. ‘Look the point is, yeah sometimes I miss things. But I like my new life better. I’ve, well I’ve never been happier.’

In spite of everything tonight, David beamed. Then his face dropped, realising his slight arrogance. He saw Patrick roll his eyes.

‘Yes because of you.’ he said. ‘Honestly so needy.’ he kissed him to show he was joking. ‘It can be both, happy I’m here, but missing some things. I wasn’t happy before. Not really.’

David nodded slowly. ‘That’s the thing with my Mom.’ Patrick threw him a questioning look. ‘I don’t think she was...happy before either. Not for a long time really.’

Patrick nodded. ‘It must have been hard, seeing her unhappy?’ he knew there were a few darker chapters to Moira Rose’s past, David had alluded to as much, but it wasn’t something he ever talked about.

David nodded. ‘When she left the soap opera, she sort of just became my Dad’s wife if that makes sense? And I think she adjusted to it, and when it was you know... busy, if she was travelling with him, or hosting parties or whatever, she was fine...but sometimes not.’

Patrick knew people had judged David’s family, hell he’d done the same to a degree, it was human nature to assume. But he’d learned- and was still learning- how much they’d struggled in different ways. He was thankful the longer he knew David for his very boring, very conventional upbringing. He moved his hand to David’s waist and pulled him in a bit closer. David took the lead and shifted into him, rolling them both over so Patrick was on his back and David could tuck under his arm and lean on his chest. Their familiar default position, and also it wasn’t lost on him, one where David didn’t have to look at him. Patrick ran a hand over David’s hair when he settled, reassuring him. And letting him take a minute.

David buried his head into Patrick for a second gathering himself. He’d never talked about the really bad times with anyone except Alexis. He’d never been able to trust anyone. He worked his hand between Patrick’s sweater and his t-shirt, seeking the comfort in the heat of his body while he tried to formulate his thoughts.

‘I guess it was worst when we were in High School? I dunno maybe it got worse after that but we didn’t see...Dad was travelling a lot, and I don’t know but maybe things weren’t going so well business wise- though better than later I guess.’ he attempted a laugh, he knew he was delaying, ‘Anyway, we moved around then- to the house we, well the last house. And I guess she didn’t know anyone around there, and we were at school, or Alexis was off being a teen model and whatever the fuck else she was doing…’ he paused, listening to Patrick’s steady heartbeat for a second ‘She took a lot of pills. She wasn’t always...nice, she wasn’t always...ok’ he said carefully and Patrick’s hand was in his hair again. ‘She ended up in the hospital, more than once. Dad tried his best to keep the worst of it from us. There were a couple of extended summer camps, and holidays with friends we got packed off on but...I was home more than anyone else.’ he sighed and Patrick kissed the top of his head. ‘We argued a lot then too. I was a teenager, and yes a spoiled bratty rich one, but my Mom just sort of...wasn’t there.’ he felt tears in his eyes again now, and he buried his head in Patrick. He’d never said that out loud before, at least outside of screaming it at his Mom, which he’d done today. He’d never really admitted how much it mattered either.

Patrick held him. Letting him go through it. He’d got hints at what life had been like, he’d pieced things together. But this felt like a huge step for David. He felt David squeeze him tightly. ‘I know it doesn’t make up for then, but she’s so much better now right?’ Patrick asked. David nodded into him. ‘And she’s got her whole family, and she’s got friends here. She’ll be ok this time.’ Patrick squeezed him back. ‘What happened tonight?’ He tried again. As difficult as it clearly was he felt like David needed to talk it out with him. He was right. David sighed, then rolled off him, staring at the ceiling. A sure sign he was thinking.

‘I threw her wig. Wigs.’ he began. ‘I mean that’s not how it started but just for you know, context of where we got to.’ Patrick couldn’t help but smirk at that, even though it wasn’t really funny, it kind of was.

‘Kinda seeing how we got to flying teacups now…’ he said.

‘Hmm.’ David said. ‘So I got home’ he began, trying to piece together the argument. ‘And she was asking me something about the car, like it needs a service or something...I don’t know and she’s already all riled up about it when I get there like I’ve missed half of an argument I’m about to be in.’ he huffed a bit.

‘Like she goes from zero to one hundred because you haven’t been there for steps one to ninety nine?’ Patrick asked, trying to be supportive, and sensing zero to a hundred was very much a Moira Rose vibe. It was at times, a David Rose vibe, but Patrick was getting better at working out steps one to ninety nine. Or at least figuring out how to dial it down from one hundred.

‘Right!’ David exclaimed with another huff. ‘Like I’m sorry, my Dad or Bob or Ronnie or whoever pissed you off today but I was not there for that!’ he fidgeted with his sweater. ‘Anyway apparently I was supposed to take the car to Bob’s tomorrow, and I forgot, which is ok, annoying, and yes ok I’m useless at remembering things.’

Patrick felt a pang of guilt, he was certainly one who nagged David for forgetting things.

‘But she only had to tell me, it’s two minutes away and as annoying as it is I can make time to be bored to death by Bob while he fixes it. Fuck I’ll even pay for the service if I have to! It’s fine!’ he was aware as he had been earlier, that saying ‘fine’ that many times had the opposite effect. He huffed a bit. ‘But instead I said ‘I have a meeting with a vendor at ten’ and she didn’t like my ‘tone’ or something and then…’ he shrugged again. ‘Like I know, I know, ok, what I sound like sometimes.’ Patrick couldn’t help but chuckle, resting a hand on David’s arm to let him know he was on side. ‘But also have you heard my Mom?’

‘Oh yes.’ Patrick had to agree. Moira Rose in full flight was a sight to behold. She could also, he’d noticed be- as David often was- unintentionally blunt, even accidentally hurtful. Neither of them were cruel people, far from it. But they did both sometimes have a...way about them. The trouble was he also realised, they were both incredibly sensitive people. ‘So she was mad about the car? That’s what you fought about?’

David shrugged, and Patrick could hear the eye roll in his next sentence ‘Well that’s how it started.’ he said ‘we then did a whole lap of, well everything I’ve done wrong in my whole life. And, I guess, I gave back as good as I got.’ he bit his lip and looked up. He’d said some horrible things to his Mom today- she’d also done similar. But he felt terrible.

‘Like what?’ Patrick nudged, keeping it neutral, knowing his job here was just to guide it out of him.

‘Ugh.’ David responded. ‘There was a lot of my irresponsible behaviour. And how I need to be an adult and how it’s not surprising I can’t be trusted with simple things...same old same old. You know even though I am a functioning adult, with a business thank you very much.’ he folded his arms across his chest. Patrick rolled himself up onto his side, propped up on an elbow.

‘You are you know.’ He said, as David shot him a look. ‘I mean functioning, adult is sometimes up for debate.’ he leaned over and kissed his cheek ‘You are a grown up, who manages their life and business, and relationships’ he kissed his cheek again just above the cut. ‘Just in case you do doubt it.’ he knew David did. He knew he worried what everyone thought of him, and he knew that Moria coming for that was where it hurt for him.

‘Tell my Mom that.’ he muttered at the ceiling. ‘Well I tried to, and look where it got me.’ he fidgeted with his sweater again. ‘And then we did a lap of all my failed relationships, and how I can’t be trusted to maintain anything.’ he looked over at Patrick worried again. ‘That’s when I lost it a bit’ he confessed biting his lip.

Patrick couldn’t help but smile a bit, at David being fiercely protective of him, or them whatever. ‘What did you say?’ he asked. He couldn't’ quite see in the darkness but he was pretty sure David blushed.

David closed his eyes. Most of the fight was a blur, but this he could remember crystal clear. ‘I um said, well screeched more accurately.’ he looked over at Patrick and rolled his eyes again ‘I said that ‘Patrick is different to every person I’ve ever dated because he sees me like nobody else does and I love him more than I thought I could love anyone.’ Patrick was still staring at him, and he added ‘And then I said ‘and he puts up with this family’s nonsense so leave him out of this.’ ...and then I threw her wig.’

Patrick laughed. He couldn’t help it. The image was utterly ridiculous. ‘Which wig?’ he asked laughing.

‘It’s not funny.’ David said ‘The pink one.’ he added.

‘I like that one.’ Patrick said, calming himself, his face growing serious. ‘David.’ he said, a shift in his tone that made him not only pay attention but roll onto his side to look at him. ‘Um, nobody has ever fought with their family over me. That, well it means a lot.’ he smiled ‘given I know that your Mom does actually like me’

‘Better than me.’ David said a bit bitterly.

‘Hey.’ Patrick said, pulling at David’s jumper ‘Yes I’m effortlessly charming and your Mom adores me. Obviously. But she loves you.’

‘Whatever.’ David said with a roll of his eyes. ‘Either way I’m not letting my Mom or anyone else say anything about us, it’s none of their god-damn business.’ he was back to being petulant and was surprised when Patrick kissed him softly.

‘It means a lot.’ he said again. He couldn’t convey exactly why. Perhaps the feeling of being all-in that it insinuated in both of them. Either way he found it quite overwhelming. ‘I love you.’

David screwed up his nose, still a bit confused ‘I love you too.’ he said kissing Patrick back.

‘Ok, so you threw a wig, then what?’ Patrick half smiled, this seemed to be getting easier in the retelling for a moment.

David reached for Patrick’s hip, and looked down as he pulled him in. ‘Then it got ugly.’ he said. Patrick reached a hand over, holding onto him. ‘It just got...every old argument dragged out. I blamed her for...stupid things I shouldn’t. Everything stupid. Getting bullied in high school- I mean you try having a Mom like that right? I threw back the relationship stuff at her, really fucking low I know, ‘Mommy issues’ or whatever a shrink would have a field day-has by the way. The anxiety, my general craziness, I mean crazy Mom crazy kid right?’ he shrugged and Patrick just let him carry on. ‘I was horrible to her. It’s not her fault she’s like she is, any more than I’m like this.’ he bit his lip again and paused.

‘Doesn’t mean it never affected you though.’ Patrick said quietly, ‘You’re right, it’s not her fault but you’re also probably right...those things, the way you are...whatever.’ he leaned over and kissed David’s forehead, reassuring him, he hoped that it didn’t change the way he felt.

‘She called me a horrible child.’ he repeated with a sigh ‘She’s right. I am horrible it's no wonder nobody likes me.’

It broke Patrick’s heart when David talked like this. More so that it had been his reality for so long that he couldn’t see that things were different now. But that he felt that way at all. He pulled him into a hug and held on for a bit. ‘I like you.’ he said ‘For what it’s worth.’ David huffed into him ‘I figure Stevie doesn’t mind you either.’ David chuckled then.

‘I don’t mind either of you.’ he said into Patrick’s chest and Patrick laughed. David pushed himself up and looked at Patrick in the dark. ‘Who does that though? Who is like this with their Mom? She’s right I’m a horrible person.’

‘David, I know we joke but...you are a good person.’ Patrick propped himself up. ‘And in answer to your question...lots of people. Families are full of all kinds of weirdness.’

‘I bet your family don’t fight like that.’

‘Well we don’t throw wigs no.’ Patrick said. ‘But me and my Mom? We fight too. Far too similar.’ it was true, his Dad was the most laid back person on earth, virtually impossible to fight with. His Mom however was stubborn, and a bit bossy, just like Patrick. And in his teens and twenties, while not Moira-David levels of dramatic things had been fraught. ‘I’ve stormed out of the house more times than I’m proud of.’ he admitted. Things had been bad again before he’d left too. He knew he’d taken a lot of his stress out on his Mom, and he wasn’t proud of it either.

‘Is that what I’ve got to look forward to? Angry storming out?’ David asked, Patrick could hear a smile back in his voice, ‘Chasing you down the street in my robe and slippers?’ he was reassured that Patrick didn’t have a sickenly perfect family dynamic.

‘Full on dramatic storming. I promise.’ Patrick said kissing him ‘But the making up will be worth it.’

‘It had better be.’ David said kissing him a little deeper. He paused close to Patrick’s face ‘You don’t think I’m horrible then? Really?’

‘No’ Patrick said kissing him again ‘I promise you aren’t horrible. Except before 7am’

‘Well what sane person is nice at that time of day.’ David said ‘Really?’

Another time Patrick might have got exasperated, with David’s need to check, or made a sarcastic quip again. But he could see the quiet desperation in him. ‘Really.’ he said softly, ‘David you have such a good heart. It’s one of the things I love about you.’ he dropped his head, surprised at himself, at how emotional giving him that reassurance made him.

David nodded. He lay back down, Patrick could sense there was more, but he let him think. He lay back down with him, letting the peace of their little fort settle for a minute. He thought about his own parents, and how much he missed them. He tried to push down the slightly uncomfortable truth of all the stuff David didn’t know about his relationship with them currently. This wasn't the time. He reached over and took David’s fingers in his, squeezing gently.

‘She wasn’t trying to hurt me’ David said quietly. ‘Really don’t think that about her. She’s a lot of things but she would never, I mean, I don’t want you to think she would-’ Patrick squeezed his hand and he stopped, ‘I know people say that about you know...terrible relatives, but she really wouldn’t.’

‘David.’ Patrick said in a serious voice, ‘Your Mom and Dad brought you with them here, when they could have just let you fend for yourselves. They’ve rebuilt their lives with you and Alexis. More importantly I think your Mom would- despite everything- throw herself in the actual Creek to save you or Alexis.’

‘I mean not if it meant getting her wigs wet’ David said dryly, but squeezed Patrick’s hand.

‘David I’m serious.’ Patrick said ‘Your Mom is many, many things. One of those things is ...shall we say dramatic. I never thought it was anything more than a dramatic gesture gone wrong. I promise.’ he rolled over and kissed the cut on David’s face. ‘Actually I think your Dad is less likely to jump in the Creek, that’s some perfect hair he’s got. Like someone else I know.’

David laughed ‘Oh you have no idea. It’s taken some years to perfect that quiff.’

Patrick laughed as well. ‘It is pretty impressive hair. I will give Mr Rose that.’

‘You’re just impressed by anyone with hair long enough to style.’ David laughed.

‘One day I may surprise you and grow it.’

‘Promises, promises!’ David said wistfully, it was already a well-worn discussion, David’s somewhat over-investment in what Patrick’s hair might look like if allowed to grow and of course Patrick enjoying endlessly teasing him about it. David shifted again, sideways and wrapped himself around Patrick for a moment. A silent thank you for all of this. Patrick let him curl up for a bit, enjoying a moment’s peace and calm after what he realised had been a fairly fraught Tuesday evening. He paused a minute before carefully asking.

‘Do you think you should call her? Or your Dad?’

David exhaled. And pushed himself onto his elbow and shrugged.

‘I think she’d appreciate that.’ Patrick said, ‘Just tell her you’re here, and you’re ok, and maybe invite her for lunch tomorrow?’

David chewed his lip. Normally he’d stubbornly ignore his Mom until they were forced to talk again. Or more accurately until his Dad forced them to. It always meant round two of the argument. Maybe he could try Patrick’s way. He rolled onto his back and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He hit dial and felt Patrick take his other hand.

‘Dav-id!’ his Mom answered after a couple of rings.

‘Mom.’ he said, keeping his tone neutral. ‘Are you ok?’

‘I’m as ok as can be expected I suppose.’ he could sense his Dad boring holes in his Mom’s head as she spoke.

‘I just wanted to say I’m sorry Mom. I didn’t want to fight with you.’

‘Well.’ she said ‘this is a most unusual occurrence I must say. I was expecting days of the sil-ent treatment from you.’

He rolled his eyes, and Patrick who clearly could hear the other end of the conversation squeezed his hand. ‘I know, I thought maybe we should speak tonight you know, smooth things over, make up. Talk it out. Whatever.’ Patrick smiled at the ceiling. Remembering David’s rambling voicemails as he continued ‘You know it’s not good to leave things unresolved, and I know it was a good idea for me to get out of the way for tonight but I don’t want to fight about it, but if you want me to go and if you want me to stay away for a few days I can do that too and.’ Patrick squeezed his hand again, slowing his roll a bit. ‘Anyway I just wanted to check you were ok Mom.’

‘I’m fine David dear.’ there was a pause. He could now see his Dad gesturing frantically, and sure enough he then heard a whispered ‘Moira!’ his Mom sighed ‘are you ok dear? Is your...face ok?’ she paused again ‘It really wasn’t intentional, just a little too...theatrical of me.’ she paused ‘I am sorry my dear.’ she added. ‘And not just for throwing the...you know. But you know how Mommy gets sometimes, but that’s not your fault, your Father reminded me of that after you left.’

David felt tears prick at his eyes. He’d never gotten an apology like that from his Mom. Even if steered from his Dad. He looked over at Patrick who was still watching and listening. No doubt just like his Dad was at the other end.

‘It’s ok Mom. We all get a little crazy sometimes.’ he said.

‘It’s no excuse.’ she said. ‘I’m glad you’re ok. I’m glad you have your darling Patrick with you.’

Patrick blushed hearing that. ‘Yeah he’s here.’ David said with a smile.

‘Then I’ll leave you two to continue with your evening.’ Moira said. ‘Will I see you for lunch tomorrow?’

‘Yeah.Yes, lunch. Ok.’ David said. ‘Goodnight to Dad.’ he added.

‘Goodnight son’ he heard his Dad’s voice and both he and Patrick smiled.

‘And good night to Patrick’ Moria added.

‘Ok does everyone just want to shout good night to everyone down the phone?’ David said exasperated

‘Good night Mr and Mrs Rose’ Patrick called, right on cue. David rolled his eyes. ‘Night Mom’ he added.

‘Good night dear’ she said hanging up. David held the phone on his chest for a second.

‘Thank you.’ he said, not able to look at Patrick. He couldn’t explain what a difference that conversation was to even two years ago. When they’d have all yelled at each other until someone gave in, or someone was hungry. Or someone ran out of things to throw.

They lay in silence for a minute. Out of the corner of his eye Patrick sensed David shifting, he was rubbing at his hand. He’d forgotten in everything the cream in his pocket.

‘Sit up’ he said, giving him a nudge. ‘Gonna have to destroy the fort to do this sorry.’ Patrick said with a smile. He pulled the blanket down so it pooled at their feet, and once they’d shuffled back to a sitting position, David leaning against the bed, him opposite, one knee hitched up the other leg folded under him, he fished out the cream from his pocket and gestured for David’s hands. It was a simple antiseptic that would also help the pain. Now he looked at it again David’s hands were redder, the tea burns slightly more angry looking than he remembered. ‘You’ll still live’ he declared before opening the cream and dabbing a little onto David’s left hand, rubbing it gently into the red blotchy bits. He took his time, making sure all of it was covered. He gestured for the other one as David gave his hand a suspicious sniff. He took the other hand- David’s right and the one that had been holding the mug- this one was worse, so he took his time, covering all of the burn, which wasn’t serious, but enough to bother him without some treatment. It felt, surprisingly an intimate thing, this gentle act of applying cream. But he also found himself enjoying the moment to just hold on to David for a second, in the quiet. When he finished he put a little more cream on his finger and knelt up, leaning towards David’s face. He dabbed it gently on the cut, just lightly covering it and being careful not to press too hard. David raised his eyes to Patrick’s and gave him a lopsided smile. Patrick leaned in and kissed him on the way back down. He reached a hand out to David’s knee as he sat, and David covered it with his own. Patrick threw him a questioning glance.

‘In all the times I’ve threatened to storm out, or run away, and believe me there have been many’ he said with another lopsided smile, which then grew serious, ‘I never actually had anywhere to run to. Never mind someone to come and rescue me.’

Patrick smiled, shly now. ‘David I will always come and rescue you.’ he said looking up at David, knowing he’d see that half smile he tried to suppress break out into a full beautiful grin. They smiled a bit dopily at one another.

After a moment Patrick dug in his pocket for his phone. He tapped at it for a bit, when he looked up David was frowning at him.

‘Pizza will be here in 30 minutes.’ he said, ‘And’ he added grabbing the blanket back and throwing it back over the desk and bed ‘We can eat it in the Fort’

David laughed, ‘Ridiculous’ he pouted.

‘Are you objecting to my Fort? Or Pizza?’ Patrick said with mock indignation.

‘Not in the slightest.’ David said with a grin ‘And nobody has ever built me a Fort before.’ he reached for Patrick and pulled him into a kiss. They deepened it a bit, and as he pulled back Patrick anticipated some quip about what they could do in the Fort while they waited. But when I pulled back, even in the half light he could see how exhausted David was. When he made a half hearted lean in he half slipped instead of pulling at Patrick’s shirt. Patrick shook his head with a smile. ‘C’mere.’ he said, pulling him towards him. ‘Let’s lay in the Fort for a bit.’

He arranged them in the pile of pillows and blanket, David’s head on his chest. They were quiet for a moment.

‘Tell me more about Chirssy.’ David said into his chest.

‘You want stories about my dog?’ Patrick asked.

‘It’s what you do in a Fort.’ David said seriously. ‘Tell stories.’ he paused ‘And eat pizza.’

Patrick chuckled. ‘Well alright then...how about the time she got stuck in a stream and I had to climb in and rescue her?’

‘Did you get soaked? Fall in?’ David asked.

‘Yes and yes.’ Patrick said laughing at the memory ‘Ok dog storytime it is…’ he shifted nestling into their pile of blankets ready for storytime in the fort, feeling David reach for his hand as he did so.