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I walked into the Aphrodite cabin, as the other campers, my half-siblings, were getting blankets and warm clothes for sitting by the campfire.
It was night and it was cold and it would indeed make sense to dress warmly. The dress I was wearing didn't do much against the cold, the sandals of gold string and supple leather didn't help either.
My head was not up to speed as I put my bag on my new bed, flopping down next to it.
Apparently I am a daughter of Aphrodite and she had claimed me tonight by giving me a magical makeover.
My hair was pulled back into a ponytail, showing off my face adorned with shimmering makeup.
I was beautiful like this I had to admit as I walked to one of many mirrors in the cabin, pulling my hair free and wiping the makeup off my face.
The dress was exchanged for a pair of comfortable pants, a cream colored t-shirt and a long, knitted, dark green cardigan. The sandals changed to some warm socks and timberland boots.
It was still stylish but warm in the cold weather.
Putting the rest of my stuff away, I took out a blanket and went to join the others by the campfire.
It had been three days since I arrived at Camp-Halfblood, like most of the kids here, I discovered, I had been chased here by a monster.
I believe it was a Manticore, at least my satyr guide had told me it was.
This world of monsters and gods and magic wasn't that surprising to me anymore, it just made sense.
But it was surprising to find out that I was the child of a god and not just any god but the goddess Aphrodite.
I wish it could have been Athena or Demeter or I don't know, Hecate or something.
I kicked a rock as a walked from the cabins to the fire pit, seeing the other campers sitting side by side.
I was one of the older ones there right now.
It was fall and most younger kids had gone back home, it was hard to fit in with the others left here.
I was told a war had taken place not that long ago and alot of older kids hadn't come back alive.
I couldn't possibly imagine what that must feel like, to lose your friends in a war at that age.
I could see the haunted looks on their faces when they spoke of it.
The camp counselor, Chiron, had introduced me to the other campers who were the same age as me but it felt like they were fifty years my senior by the looks on their faces and the way they carried themselves.
My cabin leader, Piper, had been among them, she had lost her boyfriend during a fight. She spoke with grief but she even made suffering look beautiful as she spoke. We had talked about what being a child of Aphrodite meant and the things I should be considering right now.
I made peace with never knowing what my mother was really like long ago, my father told me about her once and asked of me to not talk about her after.
I realized he must still hurt over her leaving so I didn't press any further.
Yet at some points in my life I did ask him about simple things, if I got the dimples in my cheek from her or did she like lemon sorbet just as much as me.
He would answer shortly and be done with it and somewhere those answers made me less mad or sad when I thought about why she must have left.
Was it because I was born? Maybe she couldn't handle the responsibility of a baby and left me with my father to find a new life? Was it because she stopped loving my father? Was it because she didn't love me?
I never got the answers to those questions and soon realized that I didn't need to have them.
I grew up fine without a mother, not really understanding what I was missing, I didn't know any better than that it was just me and my father.
I made friends, did hobbies, played sports and made plans for the future I could not wait for to be here.
I was young when I understood that I could live by my own choices, that it did not matter what others thought as long as I was comfortable.
I am free to choose how I live.
I am happy to love the freedom that idea gave me.
But than the monsters came and I arrived here.
I looked at the campers I shared a cabin with, my half-siblings.
I am different from them, not because I'm not that into makeup or fashion or whatever.
I do not possess the type of easy closeness that they exude. I like being on my own, I do not care for physical contact, I don't need to be with someone all the time.
I have never had crushes on people, I don't even know how romantic love is supposed to feel.
What makes it different from wanting to be someone's friend, except for wanting to have sex with them?
What is it that makes romance so great?
Is it the same as in books or movies? Is it a spark that lights a fire in your heart? Is it butterflies in your stomach? Or maybe the feeling of floating on a breath of fresh air?
What was it?
What made me the child of the goddess of love?
What made me like my mother?
What made me think this was not some sort of mistake?
I went to sit a bit secluded, just a few steps away from my half-siblings, staring at the fire tracing my eyes over it's shapes before looking around again.
Some cabins sat together but most campers sat with their friends. There was one, especially loud, group where my cabin leader sat with a few other cabin leaders who I recognized from the introductions.
A boy with sea green eyes and a girl with blonde, curly hair sat on each other's lap. Piper sat next to a scrawny boy with curly brown hair, who than sat next to a pretty girl that had her arm hooked in his.
Another pair, a boy with blonde hair like the sun and one with hair like the night sat next to a girl with golden eyes and another boy with dimples in his cheeks as he smiled at the girl.
They all wore the same look behind their smiles and I could do nothing but feel for them.
Most groups around the fire resembled them, they sat close seeking comfort with each other.
I could feel the way they leaned on each other as I watched all of them. The way they could unwind around one another. It made me smile as I watched them on my own. They had found something beautiful with each other and I could drown in that feeling had it not been for the girl with red hair that struck up a conversation with me.
Her name is Rachel.
-
It's spring now and a alot more campers have joined since fall. I have made some friends, Rachel, Dean, Vera, Jill and with the others I'm just on friendly terms with.
We all talk to each other from time to time, when we train or take part in conquer the flag.
It felt better, to be there in the winter.
Now it's becoming more difficult as more campers join.
I am once again reminded that I don't belong among my siblings as more come to claim a bed in the cabin.
I see them talking about their relationships and who they were crushing on now, I hear them gossiping about who should be paired-off with who.
I don't join the conversation, not after giving it a half-hearted try and being dismissed as they immediately turn to someone else.
I spend most free time in the Hephaestus cabin, watching Dean and Jill work on new inventions.
Dean is Hephaestus' son and Jill is a daughter of Athena, Vera is a child of Ares and we spent most time training or climbing, daring each other to do better.
I like hanging out with them, they were the first to talk to me when I was still unclaimed and staying at the Hermes cabin.
But now they too are busier with their siblings.
I can see that they are all a lot alike.
It is amazing to see children of Ares work together to defeat an opponent or to see children of Athena hold discussions about the most intriguing subjects, I can almost feel the passion radiating off of Hephaestus' children as they talk about their inventions.
It's amazing to see but lonely to realize that I have no such connection to my own siblings as they are too different from, as I am too different from them.
-
It's summer now and all of the campers are here now.
Everyday the camp is buzzing with excitement, our cabin is bursting at the seems with clothes and make-up. Some of my siblings are designing clothes and plan on doing a fashion show together with the Apollo and Hermes cabin.
It's nice see my siblings pouring themselves over designs and making sure it fit their model.
I was also asked to help and in the spur of the moment I said yes and was giving the task of designing an outfit for a child of Hermes named Kali.
Kali is nice and we spend a lot of time together as I take her measurements and alter the fit as I go.
I decided to go with a suit for Kali as her legs are long and her waist and hips could be beautifully accentuated with a pair of high waisted pants.
It seems my mother might have given me some of her gift for beauty as I can tailor for Kali like I had been doing it all my life.
Dean and Jill often come by to see my work and talk with me, Rachel comes too and takes note of how she and I are both artists and maybe that is why we get along so well, I like the idea.
But I always feel my siblings eyes on me as Dean comes alone to check up on me sometimes.
It's fun to see my siblings taking note of how I am doing. It's nice to have them come to my table and teach me how to use a sowing machine correctly or to give me feedback on my current piece.
It's nice to feel some kind of connection to them.
It is the end of summer.
Most of the other campers have already left again. I have no place to return to, so I stay at camp for another year.
Before Dean left this year as he was able to return home now, he told me he liked me in front of the Aphrodite cabin.
My siblings were all over me, saying that they noticed right away and that it was to be expected of a child of Aphrodite.
I wanted to disappear in that moment, just sink through the floor and become one with the earth.
Dean was and hopefully still is a friend, I wanted to be honest with him. So I told him I had to reject his feelings, that I did not feel the same way towards him.
He just accepted it silently and told me to take care of myself as he went to pack up. I could feel his heart breaking, he was hurting and I let that happen.
My siblings were quick to move on, saying that he should have known he would be rejected.
Had I lead him on?
Their mother had rejected his father too right?
Had I used charm speak to manipulate him?
A child of Hephaestus being lead on and then rejected by a child of Aphrodite? Nothing new, just like their mother.
If that is what my mother's power is like, if this is what being my mother's daughter is like, than I don't want to be, I cannot be.
I cannot be like my siblings and go find love and then leave it behind to find a new one.
I cannot give love as they do.
I cannot receive that kind of love.
-
It is winter, once again.
Fall had passed by in a blur.
It was just being back to myself and a few others.
It was back to being an outsider of my own family.
I was back to not even trying anymore.
I look at their shared warmth at the campfire and ask myself what makes me different than them.
I am standing at the threshold of the Aphrodite cabin looking at the campfire from afar, feeling secluded from their warmth.
And I pray to my mother, whom I have never even seen, to take back her claim and let me live without her mark.
It is then that I feel someone standing next to me, I turn to see a gorgeous person, someone out of this world standing next to me.
I do not know where they came from but I know who they are.
My mother.
The goddess of love and beauty.
Aphrodite.
"I think I should've held this conversation with you earlier."
I don't speak as surprise has punched me in the face and I feel like I might have gone knockout for the rest of eternity.
"I think you might have some misunderstandings of me, my child."
My mother says as they motion for me to sit down next to them at the steps leading up to the cabin.
I sit next to them, snapping out of my daze a bit as I ask.
"I understand enough I think."
My mother laughs, a boisterous but elegant laugh comes from their lips.
"You have your fathers attitude it seems."
"You would know."
I reply flatly as I tear my gaze back to the campfire.
They have no right to talk about my father like that.
I hear my mother's sigh.
"I know that you, like many of your siblings, have asked yourself if I ever loved you or your father. The answer is yes, of course I did. I loved your father and I love you as my child."
"But you don't really, do you?"
I ask as I immediately cut them off from answering.
"I don't understand why you would. I am nothing like you or your other children. I am not made to love like them, I cannot love like them. I cannot love like you loved my father and left him."
I took a deep breath.
"How can I love like that when the only example I have are you and him. Why am I broken and the rest of my siblings are not? Why do I have to be deviant from the rest?"
I say, my arms outstretched as I stand from the steps and walk down, my back to my mother.
"Why am I your child? I do not fit with you. I do not want-- no, need to fit with you. How can I be your child when I cannot love like you?"
I say as I cross my arms, holding myself.
After a long moment of silence, Aphrodite speaks.
" I think you have a skewed perception of me as most other mortals have too."
Aphrodite came to stand next to me, their shape ever-changing as if they were a quiet pond where a stone had been thrown into, creating ripples that went on forever.
"I am not just a goddess of romantic love and beauty like most claim me to be. I am passion, I am the love one had for a craft."
My mother turned to me.
"I am familiale love, I am the love a parent holds for their child. I am platonic love, a love that can cross lifetimes.
I am the love that echoes into everlasting loyalty and respect.
I am the love for the mundane and the extraordinary.
I am the love one has for a pet, the love one has for every being on this earth."
They put a hand on my cheek and I noticed I was crying as their thumb wiped my tears away. I didn't recoil from their touch as I thought I would have in my dreams. I did not retreat from love as they spoke further.
"I am the grief you feel when your love has been ripped away. I am the new form of love that takes it place."
My father came to mind at those words, disease had taken him from me shortly after I first arrived at Camp-Halfblood. Had my mother grieved for him? I followed their gaze as they turned to the campfire.
"And my children are vessel of that love, they are the outcome of my own romantic love of my passion."
They turned back to me as I looked at them.
"I have seen you struggle with accepting how you love. You love freedom more than anything, you love seeing other's love whatever or whoever. You draw happiness from knowing that all is well and things are going to be alright."
I didn't know what to think of my mother in that moment. They had left me as a baby, they had claimed me years later, while I never had seen them.
Now I had prayed to them and they had come to see me, claiming they loved me, claiming they knew me.
"Why do you tell me this now? Why are you telling me this?"
Their expression, even if their face was never the same with every blink of my eyes, turned bittersweet at my words.
"Even if we made a promise to take more care with our children, it is hard for gods to take notice for mortals, even if they are demigods."
They sighed as they went to sit back on the steps of the cabin. Their form was elegant as they sat down and crossed their legs, their elbow on their knee and palm to their chin.
"I should have been better with you. I, as the oldest of my peers, stand closer to mortals than them. I understand your want for love in all it's forms.
You cannot exist without, you cannot live without the most fundamental firm of love."
I went to sit with them again my knees to my chest, still listening to their voice, maybe finding some sense of comfort in it.
"The love for one's self."
I turned to face them once again, I felt like I was being reminded of a long forgotten fact.
They turned to me, our eyes at the same level, I could see myself in them.
"My dear, you don't need to love like me or others. You are my child because you love differently, because you can give a different kind of love. Never doubt your own feelings because of how me and your father's relationship ended. Never doubt how you feel because others tell you you are going to change your opinion or change the way you feel soon enough."
"You alone know how you feel and you alone know how you love."
I was quiet for a long moment, replaying my mother's words in my head, coming to a conclusion I had always pushed aside.
My mother does care for me like they said, they care for me as much as a god can care for their mortal child.
I realize love is tricky like that, it is sometimes difficult to see where it starts and where it starts and where it ends.
I think to myself what kinds of love I know of and if it is the same everytime and I come to the conclusion it is not.
Love isn't just one thing, one type, one concept.
It is a collection of things I cannot comprehend, no one can.
It is irrational, foolish, blinding, understanding, knowing, lowering, empowering, freeing.
It is different.
It is different and it is mine to choose, mine to have.
I turn my head back to look at the distant campfire.
It doesn't feel so secluded anymore, it looks inviting.
I breath in through my nose, feeling the freezing air go to my lungs and exhale through my mouth, feeling a weight in my chest leave with the air into the night.
"Your really couldn't have told me this earlier?"
I say with a tinge of humor to my voice.
Their laugh graces my ears again, it is still the same.
"You may have some of that sarcasm from instead of your father after all."
-
It is spring again and I am enough.
I have asked Piper if I could help with settling our new siblings into the camp with her. She said yes and I find I can speak more freely with my siblings than I did before.
They do not ask what has changed about me but Noa, Jace and Kim have talked with me about how we think about our mother and being their children.
They know how I feel and the other's do too, they can feel it.
Dean arrived late into spring and we talked about what happened between us.
I told him that I had a talk with my mother, he told me he had a talk with his dad too.
We both come to the conclusion we are not the same as our parents but have made our own decisions.
We are still friends.
-
I still sit by the cabin on my own sometimes.
I thank my mother or I pray to her for guidance.
They don't always show up, but I don't expect them to.
It is nice when we talk, they tell me about my dad and doesn't hold back.
I tell them about my friends, siblings, new hobbies or things that happened.
When I tell them I want to be a tailor, they hug me for the first time in excitement.
They release me immediately, knowing I'm not that into physical contact.
But I hug them back, it has been a long time since I hugged my father and they are the closest thing I have to him. I shed a few tears.
It feels nice.
-
I look around the campfire and see some of my siblings sitting with their friends. I see the older kids lean on each other and some watch them fondly like me.
I can feel love in many different shades flaot around me.
I do not feel alone anymore.
I am never lonely anymore.
Even if it is winter and most of my siblings and friends have gone home.
I have myself to love, I have others to love.
I have a life to love.
I am full of love.