Archive of Our Own

Blue.

Blue was all his pair of eyes could catch as he sat on the golden sand, the sun glaring no less on his hunched figure. Blue was all around him. The sky above, the water beyond, the memories on his wrist, the colour of his favourite eyes and the shades of his life always proved that blue was his colour. Or well, this is what he had been convinced to believe.

Blue.

Blue is just a shade between violet and green.

“Yoongi, you’re always so blue.”

Yoongi smiles. He doesn’t remember when he started perceiving blue in an altered light. It was a mere shade, you know? But some people leave an impression so vividly different that the world doesn’t seem the same anymore. Not that anyone could make Yoongi question things twice. He was a well ‘disciplined’ man, or so he believed.

“There’s a difference in being disciplined and being melancholy. I hope you’re not the latter, Yoon.”

Was he melancholy? Maybe. It’s been years since that question has lost its value. The last time he ever wondered about his shades of blue was a sunny evening down a lane as he walked with worries all wrapped around him.

“You know, I always think you’ll grow grey hair much, much before me. Our grandchildren might ask me why I’d pick a guy like you.” Jimin absentmindedly muttered as he walked besides Yoongi, too lost in his concern for shades on their hair.

“Jimin, as much as I appreciate your concern, I reckon you haven’t found any fountain of youth that will save you from old age. Grey hair should be the last thing on your mind with the kind of circumstances you’re living in.” Yoongi muffled a smile when he saw Jimin throw narrowed eyes his way before putting up a hand.

“With all due respect Min Yoongi, my circumstances are just fine. And about the fountain of youth, what if I said I do?” Jimin looked rather confident for someone claiming to have found the impossible, but then again, he had succeeded in melting Yoongi’s heart so there were far less chances of him failing. But he didn’t need to know that. Yoongi gave him an exasperated look as they continued to walk.

“Oh, come on Min. What if I said I do? Wouldn’t you wish to live a long, youthful life with me?”

Yoongi smiled at the irony. Was it then when he last felt sadness?

His shade of blue.

He knew that if there ever was a chance for them to live together, forever…oh god, please if there ever was, he would sew heaven and hell together to have that. For Jimin, he would do that. But in all his universes, he knew forever was a rather terrifying concept and the more he wished for it, the trickier it became. So, he settled for a gloomy feeling in his stomach. He might not have a forever with Jimin but his love can. And he counted on that. He has been counting on it since the day he realized that Jimin was much more than just a guy who was too nice for his own good.

“If you do, you can count on us to never have to worry about grey hairs, okay?” He solemnly looked at Jimin who was too busy waiting for a snarky comment.

Jimin stood there for a second before breaking out into a blooming smile, much like the flowers he cared for.

Blue.

Blue was the feeling that Yoongi caressed in the pit of his stomach every time Jimin shared a smile of his. He was so painfully beautiful, far unrealistic for someone like Yoongi. And no wonder he often questioned how he ever got to love him. But well, universe works in all different ways. But was it then when Yoongi should have worried about his colour? Was it?

.....

The ocean beyond his eyes is calming…at peace, much like Yoongi’s heart. Or so he thinks. The tides reach out to him, wetting his feet as he merely stands there, staring at the marine expanse. The waves only loosened the tight knots in his body and forced him to take a few steps back and settle down, unlike what he had planned to do. He didn’t wish to think about it all again but he couldn’t help it.

“Why always lilies?” Yoongi remembers tauntingly asking a busy Jimin, running around the flower shop, working on his next order.

“I don’t know Yoon. Maybe because they’re pretty. And they smell good. And do not dare to disturb me while I am working!” Yoongi rolled his eyes as he got on his feet, ready to head out for his own exhibition and maybe, let his boyfriend work in peace. If there ever was anyone who could bring out the mischief in him, it would be Jimin. And it’s been proven for some time now.

Jimin’s tongue was about to roll with another retort when he heard heavy footsteps down the stairs and they both turned around to see Somi, her baby bump almost five months old now. She was trying her best to step down, her hand wrapped tightly around her belly.

Jimin rushed to her side almost ready to give his life away for the woman, which didn’t sit very well with Yoongi, to say the least.

“You could have called me, you know? Do not walk down the stairs if you’re feeling heavy.”

Somi passed Jimin a tired smile as she patted his cheek.

“Always lilies because they’re your favourite. And I am okay. You don’t have to come for me every second, Jimin. I am pregnant, not dying. Yoongi, tell him.” She looked at Yoongi as he stood a little rigid at the other end. Jimin gave him a single glare, daring him to say anything unfair.

Yoongi would have snorted. Unfair.

If there ever was anything unfair in their story, it probably was Jimin’s pleasant habit of being too generous, too optimistic, too kind…too human sometimes. And while there were many things Yoongi loved about Jimin, there were also a few things he knew that would lead to Jimin spiralling down a lot of trouble.  

So Yoongi felt that giving Somi an ignorant reply would be fair but he settled otherwise.

“Oh, trust me, I’ve told him that.” He gave Somi a bored reply and she took it as her cue to turn to Jimin.

“I’ll be out for a walk, okay? Don’t worry. I’ll be back in a few minutes. I have my phone. Look after the shop for me?”

Jimin hesitantly nodded, not like he had much choice. Someone had to be at the flower shop too. Somi took his acceptance and walked out to leave, not before giving an almost begging look to Yoongi. He could care less.

Blue.

Blue was the plea in her eyes to understand her and accept her as his own. Yeah, Yoongi wasn’t good at accepting people easily and he was happy with it.

She was smart, he would give her that. There was no hiding the fact that there was always some sort of bitterness on Yoongi’s tongue when Somi was around or when she was even brought up. She knew that and she embraced it to say the least. She wanted Yoongi to accept her as family, much like Jimin did but she always gave Yoongi his space, which he was thankful for.

“You could have just smiled. There is no need to be rude to her. She’s carrying this whole pregnancy alone. Can you cut her a slack?” Jimin threw his hands in the air before huffing and going back to his work, believing that this conversation was over. It wasn’t.

“Alone?” Yoongi laughed with a heavy, sarcastic undertone. Jimin stilled and turned around, his eyes looking already exhausted.

“Yoongi, we’ve talked ab-“

“No. Just no! I refuse to believe that she’s handling this all alone. You’re handling the whole shop alone. You’re the one getting her all her daily requirements, from groceries to medicines…to everything. She has you running across the city at midnight just because. No Jimin, she isn’t doing this alone. I am the god damn witness to this!” Yoongi was fuming. He was so angrily baffled by how Jimin could walk over the fact that he is forgetting his own life in the shadow of Somi’s pregnancy.

Jimin merely sighed, his shoulders falling down a little.

“And what about it, Yoon? What else can I do? Abandon her when she needs me the most?” His voice fell down to a whisper and Yoongi’s eyes softened on him. He can’t be harsh on him, not when the only wrong thing Jimin has ever done was to be too kind maybe. He couldn’t be mad at him for that. Not for long.

“You can let her know that you have a life too. Ask her to contact her family? I am sure she won’t be alone then.” The bitterness was not for him but it was bitterness still.

Jimin pinched the bridge of his nose. He had this talk with Yoongi. He didn’t need a repeat of it.

“Yoongi, she is carrying a stranger’s child! Her parents will never agree. They already want to wash her off their hands. She is just trying to hold onto them for as long as she can, okay! That stupid excuse of a father of her child will never be her family too. That fucker ran away so yes, someone has got to take care of her, even if it’s me.” Jimin stood his ground and Yoongi knew there was no further point arguing.

“For someone she doesn’t share blood with, you sure lay down a lot of yourself for her.”

Jimin’s face fell into a sad smile, the one Yoongi hates to see. And given than he was the reason for it, he hated it even more.

“She gave me a home when I was no one, Yoongi. She gave me a job and a shelter. It was in this shop’s corner but it was still a lot. I might not live here anymore but it’s still my workplace and I still owe her this much.”

Yoongi knew he was right. Somi had taken Jimin in when he was thrown out on the streets by his family, none of his relatives ready to look after him. Yoongi is grateful she did that. He would have kissed the floor she walked on because if Jimin is alive, it’s because she helped him out. But he also knew that Jimin was on the verge of losing all his life because of this…this unplanned baby. No, he couldn’t hate someone who didn’t exist but he sure as hell will hate that child if Somi continues to treat Jimin like a servant. She gave him a new life and Yoongi whole heartedly accepts that. But that doesn’t give her the exclusive rights over Jimin’s life.

Intentionally or unintentionally, she was extracting all of Jimin. He was losing his sleep, his friends, his time for himself, his time for Yoongi…he was losing his time and himself, and Yoongi could not just sit and see all that happen. But Jimin being Jimin hardly ever complains.

“Whatever. I’m off to the exhibition.” Yoongi muttered and turned around, drowning in his concerns, without throwing Jimin another glance. He didn’t look back, not because he was mad but because he just couldn’t see that sad smile on his face again.

Blue.

Blue was the sad smile blooming on Jimin’s face every time he realized he was always there for others before himself.

Was it then when Yoongi should have worried about his colour? Perhaps he could have.

.....

Yoongi hummed to himself, the shore seemingly calmer than it should have been. A storm could be approaching, who knows. For all he knew, the sea was soothing and he hardly found that with Jimin in his life. He decided to sit for some more time, regardless of the clock ticking.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to visit your exhibition this time.” Jimin muttered dejectedly as he and Yoongi went through the doors of a burger stop one day. Yoongi gave him a confused look.

“Why? I thought you were waiting for this particular one?” Yoongi knew the answer he would get. He wasn’t particularly ecstatic about it but he guessed it anyways.

Jimin gave him a side look before his eyes went down.

“It’s the shop. We have this wedding order and I don’t think Somi can work it all alone. Plus, with her baby, someone needs to look after him too.”

Alone.

There was that damned word again. Everyone was alone, at least at some point in their lives. But that didn’t mean Jimin will have to go and cater to them.

But what could Yoongi do? He was getting used to it. He still had a bitter feeling for Somi and how Jimin was losing himself but it’s been better somehow. The baby is not a menace, not as much as they’d expected him to be. Not like Yoongi loved the baby, but to say that he hated him would be another lie. Jimin loved him to the moon and back. He said the baby was his family, Somi was his family and if Yoongi loved Jimin, he could tolerate a tiny human for him too. He still didn’t like how Jimin had to do casual errands but he has been catching up with his life and for now, that was enough. And Yoongi wasn’t so heartless to stay mad at Jimin for long.

He simply sighed and handed Jimin his burger.

“Eat. And I am not mad. It’s okay. Exhibitions keep happening.”

Jimin raised his eyebrows, not sure what to say. Yoongi has been accepting, a lot more accepting and he’s glad it is so. He sends him a silent apology again before taking the burger and feasting.

Yoongi smiled. Maybe Jimin and him couldn’t do something extravagant but a small walk down the block, with burgers in their hands and smiles on their faces was enough. Even if they had their own worlds to carry on their own shoulders, they were enough.

Later that night, as far as Yoongi can recall, they sat on his terrace to make out all constellations in the sky…because Jimin said he could.

“There are so many of them out there Jimin. I don’t think you can count them all.” Yoongi loved teasing him atbevery chance he got. He wasn’t a lively person around everyone but Jimin sure painted him rainbow in his world of blue and grey.

Jimin pouted. Yoongi could kiss it away but this seemed more fun.

“You could point them out for me, come on! Please!” Yoongi rolled his eyes, not being persuaded by his pout too.

Eventually Jimi gave up on the idea and they fell into a comfortable silence.

“You did a good thing, you know. You are kind.” Yoongi gave Jimin a sceptical look. There are hardly chances when he hears people say it. And even if they left Jimin’s lips, they left him baffled.

“Yeah? How so?” Yoongi asked, his eyes still on the sky.

Jimin sighed into the night.

“You gave that kid your burger. You didn’t have to.” Yoongi closed his eyes for a moment before they returned to Jimin.

“Yes, I had to. If I hadn’t, you would have given him yours and you hardly get time to eat. So, I wasn’t being kind.”

A giggle left Jimin’s mouth.

“Of course, you were. You were being kind to me and I am a human too. Hence, the dark, snobby, rude Min Yoongi is kind indeed.” Yoongi pursed his lips. He didn’t care what people thought of him. He only cared what Jimin thought of him.

“I am only kind for you. I am not going to go and share a piece of my heart to everyone. It’s just for you and I would keep it that way.” With finality in his words, Yoongi lied down, one hand under his head and legs spread level. He could fall to the temptations of sleep with the cool breeze and Jimin’s warmth. He felt Jimin lie down next to him.

“One day you’ll realize you’re a kind human and I’ll be there to rub it on your face.” Yoongi snorted. Sure, they’ll have to wait an eternity then.

“Whatever Jimin. Count your stars in the sky.”

“I barely have any. Do you?”

Yoongi didn’t really think that he would encounter such a question. He didn’t own any star. But looking down at a curious Jimin, he thought he might as well try.

“I have got 2. One for my mother and one for my father.” Jimin hummed to the answer.

“They’re your favourite stars?” Jimin pointed at a random star in the sky, his slender fingers in the air.

Yoongi thought about it. Not like he could say no but talking about his lost family was always easier said than done.

“Yeah, I guess so. Why do you ask?”

“I want to be someone’s favourite star too.”

His words didn’t hold any weight. He must have said it absentmindedly. He does that a lot. But Yoongi couldn’t sleep without reassuring him that someday he would be.

“Someday Jimin. Someday, you would be.” He hummed back and stayed quiet before bursting into another round of curious questions.

“Please point out Andromeda. I know you see it. I bet it’s wonderful. Please, just one constellation. Please?”

Yoongi muffled a smile as he saw Jimin desperately beg for a constellation. About eight billion people in this world and no one ever told him that he was a wonder too. A constellation…a bundle of stars in itself.

All wonders of the world could dull in front of him. For Yoongi, everything was dull when it came to Jimin.

Yoongi got up, rummaging through his bag pack and taking out a marker.

“What are you doing?” Jimin sat up, confusion lacing his face.

“Hold still okay? And close your eyes.”

After giving him a suspicious look, Jimin obliged and closed his eyes.

A few seconds passed before he felt Yoongi’s warm hands hold his face. Jimin knew his lips were close to Yoongi’s. He, for once, thought he’d receive a kiss but he didn’t. Rather, he felt the nip of the marker on his left cheek. He thought he should retaliate, given he could end up having any sort of doodling on him but Yoongi’s hands were too warm and the nip on his cheeks felt too smooth. It glided across his face as his eyes stayed closed and he could only listen to the leaves rustling and Yoongi’s recurring requests to stay shush.

The nip dropped after a minute and Yoongi backed away, leaving Jimin a little too cold. He opened his eyes to find Yoongi, his smile covering half his face as he handed Jimin his phone.

“Go on, take a look.”

Jimin hurriedly took the phone from his hand and switched to the front camera, only to be left speechless.

Across the veils of his freckles, Yoongi had drawn lines…smooth lines passing through his freckles, making a pattern he knew too well.

There it was. Andromeda…a tiny constellation outlined on the freckles of his cheeks.

“Andromeda, my Andromeda.” Yoongi whispered.

And Jimin realized he didn’t need to wait to be someone’s favourite star. He was a constellation in himself and Yoongi made him realize that.

Blue.

It was the happiness on Jimin’s face when he realized he was more than just a kind guy and the satisfaction in Yoongi’s heart that he had his own constellation to adore for all his life.

Was it then when Yoongi should have worried about his shade? Maybe. Or maybe, Jimin did for him.

.....

Yoongi looked down at the watch in his hand, his time running away much like the sand he sat upon with a withering lily besides him.

He recalls he never asked Jimin again.

Why lilies? He should have. He probably should have. Life would have been a lot easier. His fingers smoothened the petals of the flower, his mind wandering off again. The ocean often forced him to recall and relive all his memories.

So, he does…relives them all, just the way he has been doing it for years.

And memories end too. There’s only so much you can remember. Yoongi’s train of memories end on the day when he was cooking some noodle at his home, waiting for Jimin to call him up. The had to go out, finally, after days. And suffice to say, Jimin was rather too excited.

He waited. He did. But his call never came. He thought it must have been work so he waited a few minutes before the cell rang.

It was strange. He hardly got unknown calls on his cell. He picked up regardless, his grip on the device firm and a heavy feeling settling in his gut.

“Min Yoongi?”

“…yes?”

“There has been a break in at The Bloom and Mr. Park has been injured. His condition is serious but we-“

Yoongi’s hold on the cell tightened before he lost the thread to all realities as his blood ran cold.

Blue.

It was the colour he was supposed to live with.

Was it then when Yoongi should have worried about it? He should have but his world was collapsing and a shade was the last thing he had on his mind.

.....

Yoongi often thinks of that night. The chaos, the utter confusion…it was all a blur. He had a keen eye but that night was all a blur. He only recalls Jimin’s crestfallen face, the agony in his cries as they told him about Somi’s death by the intruders’ attack. He would be handled by law, of course he would. And for the first time in his life, Yoongi would give the world for Somi to come back and ask Jimin to run an errand.

They tried to calm Jimin down because his condition was only worsening.

“Yoongi! Yoongi, listen to me! We’ll take care of the kid. We’ll protect him. Okay?” Yoongi doesn’t remember responding but he is sure he wouldn’t have refused.

His chain of thoughts got derailed when he heard someone approaching him. He merely ran out of time and he had to go now.

He got up, dusting the sand off his clothes and turned around, only to find Jimin staring at him, confusion clear in his eyes.

“You told me you wouldn’t visit the shore without me.” Jimin puffed out and Yoongi laughed.

“Sorry. I just wanted to enjoy some alone time.”

“Sure dad. Because alone time is so interesting.”

Even at the age of six, Jimin was often too smart and outspoken for his age. Yoongi wonders where he got it from but there are things he has stopped wondering.

Now that he has lost his Andromeda, he has stopped wondering.

He hadn’t promised Jimin if he’ll take care of Somi’s child but in the string of the last words that Jimin said to him, this child was something Yoongi couldn’t forget even if he tried.

Why he named him Jimin once he officially got his custody? He’ll never know.

But it was just something about his blue eyes and the innocence on his face that compelled Yoongi to believe that he has a promise to keep to his favourite star in the world.

Blue.

It was the colour of young Jimin’s eyes and he was all Yoongi had.

The duo walked together to the end of the shore, a spot they visited every few weeks.

Jimin took the lily from Yoongi’s hands and plucked the petals, only to send them off into the sea. It was a ritual they did, once in a while to let go of things they don’t want and to move on.

“Why always lilies, dad?”

Yoongi swears he crumbled in that moment, his eyes getting moist at the question being repeated years later. He wished he had an elaborate answer but be didn’t. Because he didn’t ask once and now, he pays.

“Because it’s your dad’s favourite, hmm?”

His son shrugged, not asking any further question and just content with his father’s reply.

Yoongi didn’t specify which dad he was referring to. He was sure that had Jimin been here, he would have decorated their whole house with lilies. But he wasn’t here and to explain the complexities of his parents to a younger Jimin seemed something that Yoongi would do someday, but not today. Someday, he’ll tell him of the constellation he is named after and show him his favourite star in the sky. But he is thankful that it is not today.

Sure, his love for Jimin went way beyond what he could comprehend. But his love for his son was different. He never really thought he would be here, looking out for a baby, barely making ends meet. But he knew his son would have a life better than what he, Jimin and Somi ever lived. He was his responsibility and even if Jimin wasn’t here to share it with him, he knows in his heart that he looked down at them with a smile at nights. And that was enough for this lifetime.

He watches Jimin play a little with the petals, something he learned from Yoongi. That was what Jimin would say too.

“You will ruin my all my flowers someday.” Jimin would always ensure to remind Yoongi how careless he was around them.

“You still haven’t given me one so I suppose I’ll play with any. Unless I pick me a blue one.” Yoongi loved that time, loved being around him.

“Why a blue one?”

“Because I am always blue, aren’t I?”

“You can be any colour you like, Yoongi. I’ll paint you any colour you would wish to be.”

And Jimin did. For as long as Yoongi held him, had him, cherished him, he did. But he always failed to realize that blue wasn’t his colour. It was just a shade he loved too much too let go.

Blue.

It was the colour of the bracelet Jimin first gifted him. It was the colour splashed across the sky the day they met. It was the smile on Jimin’s lips every time Yoongi told him he loved him. It was the colour that they painted on their bodies every time they made love. It was the colour that ran cold in his veins when he last held Jimin. It was the colour of the words that Jimin last spoke to him.

“You can be blue. Be blue all you want but be happy.”

It was the shade that has held onto Yoongi for years. Is he happy? Yeah, he is there somewhere, somewhat happy. He knows he’ll never look at Andromeda the same way again, never pick any flower other than lilies, never eat a burger without giving it to a homeless kid, never sleep without ensuring that his son is happy and never smile without thinking of Jimin.

Yes, Yoongi could be any colour he wished to be. But he knew Jimin was his colour. He was, all along. And he has left him half painted, a little incomplete and a little blue. So, blue he will be.

It was the colour of the love that Yoongi had for Jimin. So, it was only fair to say that blue was his colour. And Yoongi was kind enough to know that it was. Jimin wasn’t here to rub it on his face but whenever he looked up at the stars at night, he was always reminded to carry ahead a part of Jimin in him.

Blue.

Yoongi was blue all his life...he still is. He always was and he always will be.

.....