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Chapter Text

“This is awful!” The Contessa scoffed in alarm as she surveyed her coworker’s cluttered and chaotic quarters. “How on earth do you ever find anything in this trash heap?”

“I have a place for everything,” the Professor shrugged.

Annoyingly, she began to lecture him that he should really clean up. 

“Come over here and make me!” he finally snapped. A dangerous expression took over her face and she crossed her arms and slowly made her way over to him. He watched nervously until they stood practically nose to nose. 

“I could if I wanted to.”

“No need. I’ll start now.”

Chapter Text

The Professor laughed with an almost childlike joy as the snowfall grew heavier and swirled all around them. 

“Isn’t it wonderful? I can’t remember the last time I saw snow.”

The Contessa made a noncommittal noise. The heels of her boots clicked against the sidewalk and she tightened her scarf. 

“We can spare a moment to enjoy it.”

“I’d rather not. Hurry up.” She glanced over her shoulder to see him scooping up handfuls of snow. “Come on, stop that. I’m freezing and - oh, don’t you dare throw that snowba- goddam-“ A snowball to the face cut off her protests.

Chapter Text

The target of their surveillance operation, a GLOVE member suspected of double crossing, was rapidly approaching down the sidewalk where the Professor and Contessa stood out in the open. If the target recognized them, their cover would be blown. 

“Kiss me,” he blurted out. 

“What?”

“Nobody wants to stare at people kissing on the side of the street, it’s the perfect way to hide in plain sight!”

She stared at him incredulously, then unfolded a large map from her bag and held it in front of them. The target passed by without a second glance. 

“Er, yes. That works too.”

Chapter Text

Rumbles of thunder echoed distantly, momentarily drowning out the patter of rain on the umbrella the two villains shared. Each had one hand wrapped around it, although the Professor stretched out and reached his other hand up to the sky. 

“We’re in the middle of a thunderstorm, and you want to stop and feel the rain?” Maria asked, amused. 

“It’s important to enjoy the little things in life.” Mischievously, he flicked the water off his hand into her face. She sputtered indignantly, trying to hold back a smile, and bumped him with her hips to knock him into the rain.

Chapter Text

The Professor rushed the Contessa into his office and slammed the door as quickly as he could.  

“I need you to pretend we’re dating.”

“No. Wait, why?”

“Because…” He grimaced and looked away, realizing how foolish it sounded. “Nathaniel is coming and I want to show him up. He’s always been more… popular, I suppose.”

“My god.” She rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Can’t you ask Tabitha?”

“She’s a cat.”

“Francisco, then?”

“He’s far too young for me.”

“So you’re calling me old?”

“Yes. Well, NO! I mean, you see, you’re older…” he trailed off weakly. “That’s a no, then?”

Chapter Text

William kept glancing nervously over his shoulder, twitching at every sudden sound. 

“When we get arrested for doing this I fully intend to turn on you.” He heard what might have been a car engine and flattened himself against the wall in the shadows. “Just, you know, a heads up.”

“Oh, quiet.” Maria concentrated on picking the lock, a skill she wasn’t exactly proficient in. Her high ponytail bounced around while she yanked the tool back and forth around the lock. “We’ll be in and out before your mother even knows you’re gone.”

“Why’d I listen to you?” he groaned.

Chapter Text

“Not again….”

Maria, mouth agape and arms full of gardening tools, stared at the strange man lying face down in the backyard of her new house.  

“Does this happen to you a lot?” she cautiously asked. “Because ‘not again’ isn’t the response I’d expect from someone I just found unconscious in my garden.”

The man sat up and rubbed the back of his head with a groan. “Unfortunately, yes.” He gave no explanation, although she wasn’t sure she actually wanted to hear one. 

“Oh, and welcome to the neighborhood.” He stuck out his hand for her to shake. “I’m William.”

Chapter Text

“I don’t think I can forgive you for this.” The Professor rested his head in his hands, tone solemn. “After everything we’ve been through? This is really the choice you want to make?”

The Contessa sighed. “I’m sorry, but it has to be this way.”

“It doesn’t!” he pleaded. “There are other options. If you’d only reconsider-“

She shook her head. “No. I’ve decided. This ends here.”

“Please, don’t.”

“I’m sorry,” she said again with a sad smile. “E-4.”

He pounded a fist on the table and swore. “You sunk my battleship! I haven’t won a single game all night!”

Chapter Text

“So. What now?” she asked, sinking onto the couch next to him. 

He hummed thoughtfully. “Marry me?”

She rested her head on his shoulder and thought about it for a moment. “I’ve been married before. I don’t think it’s something I would like to do again.”

“I’ve never been married. Never had the time.”

“It isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

“Hmm.” The fireplace crackled; the light bouncing their shadows up and down the walls. “So. What now?” he repeated. 

She reached over and entwined her fingers through his. He squeezed back. 

“I’m fine with this.”

“I am too.”

Chapter Text

“You heard me. Take. It. Off!” The Contessa lunged forward on the last word and swiped at the Professor. He dodged out of the way and readjusted her monocle that he’d perched on his left eye. 

“I don’t know, I think I look rather dashing, wouldn’t you say?” He struck a magnificent pose while she continued growling. 

She grabbed at him again. “Give it back!” A sidestep, and he bolted behind the table for protection. “Fine. Let’s see how you like it.”

Roughly she snatched up his glasses and put them on, instantly staggering backwards. “Good god, are you blind?”

Chapter Text

“Nice to meet you! Goodbye!” Pike waved a little too enthusiastically, his other hand gripping the Contessa’s tightly. He pulled her away, practically jogging down the sidewalk. 

“That was terrible,” she hissed. “You’re a dreadful liar.”

“Well, we should’ve agreed on a more detailed cover story beforehand!”

“You said our names were Theodore and Marina.”

“It’s my middle name. And I didn’t know yours so I panicked.”

His nervous chatter continued until they were well out of sight. 

“Err… you can let go of my hand now…”

“Hmm? Oh! Sorry!” He dropped her hand quickly, his cheeks blushing slightly pink. 

Chapter Text

“Come here often?” 

“To the secret school in a volcano on an island, where I work? Yes.” Maria tapped at the Blackbox screen. 

Professor Pike fidgeted with his hands, unable to look at her for too long. “Well yes, but, ah, it must have been inconvenient to come here from heaven. Wait, no… hurt, it must’ve hurt. When you fell. From… heaven. Yes.”

She paused. Setting down the Blackbox, she made eye contact with him for the first time since the conversation began. “Are you… are you trying to flirt with me?”

“I think so. If that’s alright.”

“...Carry on.”

Chapter Text

Tired, yet unable to sleep, Maria sat in her kitchen, hands wrapped around a warm cup of tea. A cool breeze blew through the open window.

Peaceful, relaxing. Quiet. 

“HELLO!”

She screamed and bolted up, tea sloshing onto the table. William, her strange next door neighbor, half-leaned through the kitchen window with a grin. 

“Didn’t mean to startle you! I noticed you were awake, and wondered if you’d want to have some ice cream with me?”

“Who crawls through someone’s window at 4am for ice cream?!”

“Is it 4? I thought it was 2.”

“How would that make it better?!”

Chapter Text

The Contessa tossed her head back and laughed loudly. She rested her hand on the host’s upper arm for a brief moment, showering him with compliments. The distraction was going perfectly: she was charming, he was enraptured, nobody at the gala knew they were potentially in danger. 

A sudden explosion burst out of nowhere, shattering a few windows, thankfully harming no one. The guests panicked and fled through the main entrance; she pretended to follow, then made her way to the rendezvous point. 

Pike waited, disheveled and annoyed. “Next time I’m seducing the target and you can defuse the bomb.”

Chapter Text

The gun felt foreign in Pike’s hand; he had built weapons, but never been in a situation where he’d needed to use one. He was a man of science, not action. 

It was so much smaller than a Sleeper. And deadlier. The finality of it was what weighed on him the most. 

Shots interrupted his thoughts, burying into the wall past his head. He ducked, but couldn’t bring himself to pull the trigger. 

He didn’t have to. Return fire flew by and silenced the target. Maria stood before him, apparently comfortable with a weapon. 

“Shoot now, panic later!” she commanded.

Chapter Text

Maria slowly blinked her eyes open to find herself in an infirmary bed. Groaning, she rubbed her aching head. 

“Glad to see you’re finally awake!” Pike called, strolling over to check her condition. 

“What happened?”

“You fainted.” Carefully, he reached for her wrist to check her pulse. “Right into my arms, actually.”

It was coming back to her: hours of interrogating an ex-GLOVE member had taken its toll. Her unusual persuasive ability could be both mentally and physically draining; clearly she’d overexerted herself. 

“You know, if you wanted my attention you didn’t have to go to such extremes.”

“Shut up.”

Chapter Text

“I cannot believe there was only one room left.”

“It’s only one night.” Professor Pike shrugged and set his suitcase off to the side. “We’ll just share the bed.”

The Contessa grimaced at the thought, but reluctantly agreed. “Only if I get the left side.”

“You are such a restless sleeper,” she complained the next morning while slipping bobby pins into her hair. “You moved so much, I barely got any rest.”

He tied up his bow tie with a snort. “You definitely did, I know because your snoring kept me awake!” 

“How dare you imply that I snore!”

Chapter Text

“Come on, tell me a secret.” Pike raised his coffee mug to his mouth and grinned. “I bet you’ve got some good ones.”

The Contessa thought for a moment and decided she could trust him. “I have a granddaughter.”

He spit some coffee onto the table and managed to choke the rest back. “What?! Does she go here?” he asked through coughs. 

“No.” She slid a napkin over. “She’s at my family’s home back in Italy. When I leave sometimes, that’s where I go, to visit her.”

“Well.” He processed this, swirling his cup around.  “That is a good secret.”

Chapter Text

“How could you do this?” Pike’s voice quivered in anger. “We trusted you, Maria… I trusted you.”

A brief, harsh laugh. “Your mistake. I’m out to do what’s best for me, and that’s it.” She came closer, caressed his cheek. He recoiled and almost didn’t notice her other hand slipping a gun into his. “Kiss me or kill me. It’s your choice.”

He felt himself shaking. Closing his eyes, he leaned forward to meet her lips. He pressed the gun firmly to the side of her head. 

He felt her smile; she thought he wouldn’t do it. 

She was right.

Chapter Text

“The paint’s supposed to go where ?”

“The ceiling!” The Contessa gestured upwards with the roller brush. 

Professor Pike looked up, still unconvinced. “What is the point of painting the ceiling?”

“It accents the wall colors. Have you no sense of aesthetic?”

“Seems unnecessary to me. And why gray? Besides that it matches your eyes.”

She glanced over her shoulder and fluttered her eyelashes at him jokingly. “You noticed?”

“Oh- uh- I mean-“ he stuttered and turned his back to her, pretending to be very interested in an array of variously sized paint brushes. 

“William?”

“Erm, yes?”

“Less talking, more painting.”

Chapter Text

“I don’t understand.”

William grabbed her hand and held it in both of his, staring deeply, desperately, in her eyes. “What I’m saying is, I love you. I’m completely and utterly in love with you. Please don’t get married.”

Maria finally understood. The confusion in her face was quickly replaced by sadness. “I… I can’t do that, Will. I have to go through with this.”

“But-“

“I’m sorry.” She pulled her hand away as if it burned to touch him. Her voluminous dress and veil swirled like mist around her when she spun abruptly towards the door. “I’m… truly sorry.”

Chapter Text

Genuine (non-evil) laughter wasn’t something the guard patrolling the science labs was used to hearing at HIVE. 

Although the last thing he expected to find, as the lab doors slid open, was the Professor with lipstick marks on his cheek and the Contessa reapplying a suspiciously similar color to her mouth. All three stared at each other for a long moment. 

“It’s not what it looks like!” Pike shouted. 

“Forget what you just saw. Now sleep,” she commanded, whispers threaded through her voice. 

The guard collapsed to the floor. 

“Yes,” Pike nodded, “that was a better way to handle it.”

Chapter Text

“Almost ready!” The Contessa called out from the bathroom. In order to sneak into the party unrecognized, she had to make a few adjustments to her outfit. Her dress was a rich shade of purple, instead of her usual black, and fitted almost to the knees before flaring out. Matching lipstick, a touch of eye makeup. Hair down, loose, and slightly curled. 

Once finished, she stepped out and began explaining the plan one last time while concealing her weapon and Blackbox in her purse. When Pike wouldn’t answer her questions, she turned, annoyed, to see him staring. 

“You’re so beautiful.”

Chapter Text

Pike placed the needle on the record - one of the only old fashioned technologies he preferred - and the song creaked to a start. He turned back to where the Contessa sat morosely and extended a hand out to her. A silent invitation: would you like to dance?

She appeared unimpressed, but seeing his small, kind smile, she gently placed her hand in his. He pulled her to her feet swiftly and elegantly and wrapped his other arm around her waist. Her other hand gripped his shoulder. 

Slow, then faster. A twirl, a dip. Soft laughter, foreheads rested together. Briefly, peace.

Chapter Text

The Contessa marched through the hallways of HIVE that morning, her imposing figure sending students scurrying out of her way. She rounded a corner and noticed the Professor falling into step beside her. 

“Well, this is awkward,” he said rather seriously, hands clasped behind his back. 

Unsure if she wanted to entertain whatever foolishness would ensue, she simply answered, “Hmm?”

“One of us will have to change. Really, it’s embarrassing.” His stoic expression cracked into a smile as he puffed out his chest, prominently displaying his royal blue polka-dotted bow tie - that perfectly matched her shirt. 

“Oh my,” she chuckled.

Chapter Text

“I confiscated a note a student tried to pass in class today,” she had told him conversationally over dinner. “It turned out to be a love letter. Can you believe that? In the middle of class.”

The Contessa forgot she’d even mentioned it, until three days later. 

Pike barged into the classroom mid-lecture. She glared at him, demanding to know why. 

“Sorry, urgent message. Couldn’t wait.” He passed her a slip of paper, waved to the students, and left. 

I’d conquer the world for you if you asked me to.

She continued teaching, facing the blackboard, to hide her smile. 

Chapter Text

“It’s okay! It’s all under control!” Professor Pike stumbled over towards the fire extinguisher, tripped, grabbed it and rushed back. He pressed the handle down and the extinguisher sputtered weakly. 

“Hold on. Still fine.” He shook it around and tried again. This time it worked, and he aimed it at the burning lab station. 

With the fire out, he became defensive. “I only set it on fire a LITTLE bit! In my defense, I didn’t think it would be that flammable.”

The Contessa, who had been watching silently off to the side the whole time, shrugged. “I didn’t say anything.”

Chapter Text

“I’m going for a swim,” William announced. “Want to join me?”

“Not particularly.”

Maria walked along the shoreline, letting the waves brush against the bottom of her skirt. She watched him splash around and toss handfuls of water in the air. 

The sand by her feet wiggled as a creature poked its head to the surface. “Look, a crab!” she yelled. “Come hear, look at this!”

“I don’t study marine animals, you know. That’s not the kind of scientist I am.”

“What, so you aren’t interested in crabs?”

“I’m interested in you, aren’t I? ...Wait, I was only joking, stop!”

Chapter Text

The realization of what she was doing hit her full force, snapping her back to reality. She bolted backwards with a gasp. 

“I’m sorry!” The Contessa exclaimed, embarrassed. “I- I shouldn’t have... kissed you.”

Professor Pike blinked a few times, clearly shocked by what had just happened. She continued apologizing with increasing discomfort, partly due to his lack of reaction. 

With lightning speed he reached for her shoulders and pulled her forward once more, connecting their lips for the second time. Now, when they at last pulled back, it was her turn to be surprised. 

“Don’t apologize,” he said firmly. 

Chapter Text

“I’m so close! These are the only things I still need.” William frowned at his list of materials for an experiment and kicked a rock down the sidewalk. “They’re so hard to come across, though. I don’t know how to do it.”

Maria, who had joined him on his walk home and had been listening to his complaints for at least twenty minutes, finally snatched the list from his hands and scanned it over. “I could steal them for you. I could also get them through legitimate means.” She shot him a smile. “Which would impress you more?”

“Surprise me.”

Chapter Text

“What’re you up to?” 

“Planning my next move in my chess game with Nathaniel. I think I’ve got him this time!” Pike motioned victoriously with his pen and gave a triumphant laugh. 

Maria rested her chin on his shoulder and watched him scribble out the rest of his letter to his old friend. It had been many, many years since she’d last played chess, and even then she hadn’t quite known how. “Teach me how to play?”

“Of course!” He signed his name with a flourish, then began the search for his chessboard. “I must warn you, I’m very good.”

Chapter Text

The Contessa watched her Blackbox’s screen flicker to show a familiar, frantic face. Before she could say hello, Pike insistently cut in. 

“I swear it was an accident!” 

“What was?”

“The- wait, you don’t know? ...Why did you call then?”

“I wanted to ask if you would come have coffee with me. But now I’m curious about whatever you’re referring to.”

“Oh! Well, never mind what I said before. I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes.”

“What did you do? Tell me what you did.”

“It’s nothing.” A crash and people yelling sounded through from behind him. “It’s almost nothing.”

Chapter Text

William sat on the cold concrete, knees to his chest, sighing sadly. “I can’t watch you with someone else. It’s tearing me apart.” His gaze drifted upwards, pleadingly. “I thought we had something special. I don’t want to force you to choose, but…”

“You’re a fool, you know that, don’t you?” Maria, seated over on her patio, rolled her eyes. She patted the stray cat that he had been talking to once more on the head, then gave it a gentle push towards him. “Sorry I fed it. Go ahead, take it back.”

The cat ran to him, happily meowing.

Chapter Text

The Shroud plummeted towards the ocean. Professor Pike’s last few efforts at the control panel were futile. 

“We’re going to have to jump.” He wretched the door open, wind streaming into the cabin. 

The Contessa moved to stand next to him. “Do you know how to swim?”

“I know how to not drown.”

They watched the ocean zoom closer and closer, waiting for the perfect moment. Hitting water from too far up was like crashing into concrete. Staying in the Shroud and getting caught in the crash wouldn’t be much better. 

They clasped each other’s hands. “Three… two… one… Now!”

Chapter Text

Professor Pike’s first move upon settling into the driver’s seat was to change the radio station. Only then did he buckle in and begin adjusting the seat and mirrors, while the Contessa watched, disgruntled, next to him. 

“Really? It’s June.”

“It’s my turn to drive, I get to pick the music,” he explained. “You can put your Frank Sinatra CD back in when we switch again.”

“But-“

“That’s the rules. We agreed!” 

“Ugh. Fine.”

He turned up the volume on the 24/7, year round Christmas music station and whistled off key as he drove, ignoring his passenger’s sour face. 

Chapter Text

The office building was quiet, the inhabitants unaware of the intruders creeping inside. Pike peered around the corner and, upon noticing an armed guard on patrol, swung back around and pressed himself tightly against the wall. 

“Someone’s there,” he whispered to the Contessa. “Go talk to him.”

“ Talk to him?” 

“Yes. You know.” He gestured vaguely with his hands and wiggled his fingers, as if somehow to signify her persuasive abilities. 

“Oh, of course,” she answered sarcastically, “And what do you want me to say?”

“Tell him… he’s late for a meeting.”

“You don’t understand what I do, do you?”

Chapter Text

“You know,” the Contessa began, leaning in the doorway of the infirmary with her arms crossed and stifling a grin, “the arrow is supposed to go in the target. Not you.”

The Professor snorted from his seat on the examination table. “I’ve already heard enough from the Colonel, thank you very much, I don’t need you teasing me too.” He winced as the doctor dabbed something onto the gash on his upper arm. 

“I take it you won’t be pursuing a hobby in archery anytime soon?”

“They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Looks like they’re right.”

Chapter Text

“Almost time!” Pike increased the volume on the computer, set to live video, with his usual spacey excitement. 

Champagne flutes refilled, Maria took her seat at his side and passed him a glass. He began the countdown at ten, she joined at three. 

Their glasses clinked in a toast. He took only a brief sip, stopping to twirl the stem between his fingers while watching her watch the fireworks on the monitor. 

“Can I kiss you?”

She nearly jumped at the question, eyes wide in surprise. “What?”

“A New Year’s tradition, isn’t it?”

“...So it is,” she answered, scooting closer.

Chapter Text

Professor Pike made one final, precise fold in the sheet of paper and proudly held the resulting plane up to the light to admire it. 

“Ready?” 

After a few more sounds of rustling, the Contessa turned around to reveal her own paper plane, crinkled and bent at the tip. She nodded. 

Pike positioned himself carefully, back straight and expression more serious than usual. With a quick flick of the wrist, the plane soared down the full length of the hallway.  

She followed with a swift toss; her plane looping up, only to fall a few feet in front of them. 

Chapter Text

Lately, Francisco suspected that the relationship between two of his coworkers had evolved beyond mere professionalism. He stared the Contessa down across the table, daring himself to ask, when her Blackbox buzzed. 

“It’s Wi- it’s the Professor,” she said - was she smiling, or was Francisco imagining it? When she excused herself to the other side of the room to answer the call, he leaned forward to eavesdrop. Surely she’d act more pleasant. 

“YOU DID WHAT?” She screeched, scolded, and scowled into the Blackbox, continuing her tirade as she stormed out of the room. 

The Colonel shrugged. “I must’ve been wrong.”

Chapter Text

Maria grabbed Pike by the sleeve of his lab coat and dragged him into the shadows of the landing cavern. 

“This is too dangerous for you, far too many things could go wrong!” she hissed. 

“I know, but-,” he glanced back at the Shrouds being loaded up with his equipment, and members of the security squad. “The Colonel needs me there, I have to explain how the equipment works. If mishandled, the effects would be disastrous.”

She protested again, weaker this time. She sighed in defeat. “I understand. But if you die, I’ll kill you.”

He kissed her hand, “Deal.”

Chapter Text

“You’ve been avoiding me all day,” Professor Pike casually mentioned, reaching for the salt. “Did you think I hadn’t noticed?”

The Contessa gave him a guilty smile from across the table. “It was that obvious?”

“I’ve never seen you run as fast as you did every time I entered the room today. Did I do something?”

“No, no!” She swished her wine glass around and thought about how dinner so far had been exactly as usual, much to her relief. “Honestly… I was nervous that you’d try to do something for Valentine’s Day.”

He stared back blankly. “It’s February already?”

Chapter Text

“I know, I know, it’s the circle,” the Contessa sighed, twirling her finger around to trace shapes of circles in the air. “Please don’t lecture me about it. And for the love of God, don’t start reciting all the digits.”

“Technically, I couldn’t recite all the digits, because pi has no end…” Pike trailed off under his breath. 

“That’s right, it’s irrational. Just like you.”

“Ha, ha. Keep talking like that and you won’t be getting any pie.” He slipped on checkered oven mitts and pulled his dessert from the oven. 

“Fine by me.”

“It’s salted caramel.”

“...Hand it over.”

Chapter Text

“Oh, oops.” Maria flicked on the gun’s safety. Better to be safe than sorry, with how loose the trigger apparently was. 

William watched, horrified, as the man collapsed to the ground shrieking. “Pretty sure accidentally shooting someone calls for more than an oops!”

“It wasn’t completely an accident,” she shrugged. “I did mean to shoot him, but I wasn’t aiming for the knee. We can still make this work.”

“Dear Lord, why did I agree to work with you?” 

Maria pouted, “Fine, go back home to your computers then, and miss out on all the fun.”

“Fun?! This is fun?”

Chapter Text

Eleven chimes rang out from the wall clock. 

“That late already?” Pike set down his teacup and checked his watch to confirm. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”

He only stepped a few feet towards the door when a hand tangled into his tweed jacket and a forehead pressed against the back of his shoulder. 

“Don’t leave,” Maria mumbled into the fabric. 

Fondness laced through his words, “So sentimental all of a sudden, what’s gotten into you?”

“Are you staying, or not?”

“Let me go, and I will.”

Once released, he turned to catch her in a gentle hug. 

Chapter Text

She refused to face him. “This was a mistake,” she said with her back turned. Her shoulders shook with an emotion her voice kept hidden, but was written all over her concealed face. “I am going to pretend it didn’t happen. I suggest you do the same.”

There was such a finality to it, as though the decision had been made for the both of them. No room for protests. Any arguments would be futile. 

She left, leaving him to listen to her footsteps fading away, all alone as blue lights from the monoliths flickered in and out of sync. 

Chapter Text

Alarm bells rang in Pike’s head but he listened all the way to the end. He had to be certain. But there was no mistaking it, no misunderstanding what she was asking him to do. 

“I can’t do that, Maria. How… how can you even consider it?” He was horrified. Join forces with Cypher?

She clearly hadn’t expected this answer. “I trusted you. I thought we could count on each other.”

“This is treason, and I would never be a part of such a plot!”

Her eyes narrowed, she smiled evilly. “But you will. Whether you remember it or not.”

Chapter Text

“I’ve almost got it!” 

A basketball sailed long past the hoop, bounced over to the grappling cavern, and sailed into the water with a splash. The Professor watched it go, disappointed but not surprised. 

The Contessa picked up another ball from the (now nearly empty) shelf and held it awkwardly. After some odd maneuvering she tossed it up, where it rebounded off the backboard and impaled itself firmly onto a stalactite. 

“One more chance!” she declared for the third time, Pike echoing this sentiment.

An equally cross and amused Colonel sighed. “Not one point between the two of you yet.”

Chapter Text

Tea time, all the mess on the dining table pushed aside to make room for the kettle and mismatched cups. There was a sugar bowl, somewhere. Professor Pike rummaged around the kitchenette in his quarters while the Contessa finished setting the table. 

“Honey?” she inquired. 

“Yes, dear?” Ah, there it was, tucked behind soup cans and a beaker. Sugar bowl in hand, he walked to the table. 

There she sat, holding a spoonful of honey over his cup in disbelief. 

He felt his face redden. “Oh! I’m sorry-“

“Don’t be, it’s fine,” she interrupted with a blush of her own. 

Chapter Text

“A little help?” Pike gestured to his undone bow tie with his bandaged hand. “If you wouldn’t mind.”

The Contessa raised an eyebrow and sighed overdramatically, as if it was a huge inconvenience, then smiled and went to help. “I don’t see why you can’t just wear a clip-on tie while your hand heals.”

“It isn’t the same,” he stubbornly insisted. 

Her smile slowly faded as she fidgeted with the ends of the unfamiliar article of clothing, yanking, tying, and untying gracelessly. 

“I can try again,” she said, sheepish. 

He glanced at the knotted mess in the mirror. “It’s perfect.”

Chapter Text

“You’ve been staring for ten minutes. Out with it already.”

“Hmm. I’ve been trying to find the best way to say that I want to study you.”

“Excuse me?”

“That clearly wasn’t it. What I mean is, I was curious as to, well… how does your… ability… work?”

“Oh, I can show you how it works.”

“No no! I mean- Come now, haven’t you ever wondered how it is you can do this? The science behind it-“

“I am not your science fair experiment, Professor; why don’t you go amuse yourself with a paper mache volcano?”

“Fair enough, my apologies.”

Chapter Text

The fluffy white cat rolled over with a ‘prrp!’ and exposed its soft belly to the two senior teachers. They watched from the doorway with suspicion. 

“Why would Tabitha ask me to watch her cat? I don’t know the first thing about animals.” 

“It’s only a cat, Maria, it can’t be that hard to take care of,” Pike said, unconvincingly. 

“I never had a pet. Have you?”

“As a boy, I kept bugs in a jar.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I hardly think that qualifies.”

“No, likely not. I could never keep them alive long.”

“Mrrrow!!”

They yelped, jumping backwards. 

Chapter Text

“What… are you doing?” 

The Contessa looked up from where she’d been sliding all the red puzzle pieces into a cluster. “What do you mean?” 

“You’re not honestly starting a puzzle based on sections of color, are you?” 

“And what about it?” she asked, a hard edge to her voice. 

Pike gestured to the row of edge pieces lined up in front of him. “Everyone knows you start by forming the frame.”

“And all this time, I thought you were intelligent.”

“Do it wrong, then.”

They simultaneously spotted a red corner piece between them, locked eyes, and darted for it. 

Chapter Text

Professor,

I can only assume you needed something from me, judging by the note you left on my door, however I cannot venture a guess at what. Your handwriting is ghastly. I do hope it was nothing urgent. Let me know. 

Sincerely,

Maria

M-

Can’t remember. Much happening today, very busy running back and forth. This is embarrassing but I can’t seem to decipher my writing either. 

-WTP

Professor,

You do realize you’ve been using student’s homework assignments as stationary? I believe Trinity would like her essay back. 

Please stop,

Maria

M-

Not with the grade she received. Haha!

-WTP

Chapter Text

Pike looked the Contessa up and down. “How tall are you? Without the heels.” Back up. “And the hair.”

“Whatever experiment you want me to volunteer for, I refuse.”

“But I think you’d be the perfect height to stand in for the technician who was, erm… well, they’re still alive is what matters…”

“No.” She spoke firmly, but amused, half-smiling while resuming work. 

“How would you like to have the sprinting abilities and night vision of a tiger?”

“No! I’m not making the same mistake Tabitha- hold on, is there a tiger on the island?!”

“I can easily obtain one.”

Chapter Text

Fireworks cracked through the night sky, sharp pops releasing bursts of color that the two older villains had an exquisite view of from the ivy-twined balcony. 

The single cloud hung heavy over the moon. The colors shone brighter in added darkness. Green, gold, and purple: a Mardi Gras blossomed in the sky. An orange spark grew, and wilted into pink. 

Each firework lit up the dead others; smoky remains streaked like spiderwebs. 

Pike perceived how Maria’s fists clenched and jaw tightened at the way the noises boomed like gunshots. 

He offered no comfort, as she had not asked for any. 

Chapter Text

“Having trouble with touchscreens again?” 

Pike squinted at the screen of the Blackbox that the Contessa playfully shook at him. “No. I typed precisely what I intended to type.”

She snapped the lid closed with a doubtful hum. “The capital letter ‘u’ with an umlaut. No further context.”

“It’s a smile. See?” He demonstrated with a wide, closed mouth smile that stretched ear to ear. Coupled with his wild hair and the stack of lenses clipped to his glasses, he looked entirely ridiculous. 

She suppressed her laughter with one hand. 

“It’s hip with the kids, Maria!”

“It can’t possibly be!”

Chapter Text

“Let me see if I have it.” Pike rummaged through one of his many pockets. His fingers brushed against a solid object, which he pulled out and was just as shocked as the others to find it was a hunk of C4. 

Reflexively, Maria gasped and swatted it away before he could do any damage. It juggled dangerously between them until he caught it once more. 

“Why is your first instinct to slap it out of my hand?!”

“Why do you even have that with you?!”

Francisco sighed. “Why do you two turn into idiots when you’re around each other?”

Chapter Text

“How do you prefer your Stars, Wars or Trek?” Pike asked without preamble. 

“I don’t understand the question, and I’m not answering it.” 

“What, you’ve never heard of them? You’ve never watched a movie?”

“Well, let’s see. Star Wars is about that man’s father. Dark Vader.”

“It’s Darth, actually. It’s a Sith title.”

Predictably, Maria rolled her eyes and ignored him. “And the Trek, they’re… what exactly? Space police? Space cartographers?”

“You don’t even know that much? You can’t be serious.”

“I know the Vulcans have that hand signal. Something like this, I believe,” she responded, extending her middle finger.

Chapter Text

Hesitantly, the chess piece clicked against the board, so shyly aimed at its opponent. Manicured fingers held it still a few moments more. Finally it was let to rest and the Contessa resumed folding her hands at her lap. 

“Did I win?” Gray eyes searched for an obvious mistake. 

Pike’s frown deepened, his silence stretched across the chessboard. 

“No.” 

“Really?” The more she looked, the more certain she became. “Isn’t this how you explained it? Your king-“

“No. No, no, no.” 

She grinned as he rose up and marched away, grumbling to himself. “Not as good as you thought, eh?”

Chapter Text

The Contessa lit up another cigarette with a scowl. “The nerve of these children. Why do they incessantly ask if they are permitted to leave the island?” Yet another rant about a less than smooth welcome tour was apparent. 

“A student once asked me if there was such a thing as 3% milk,” Professor Pike interrupted. 

“What?”

“Just sharing my own example of a stupid question.”

Her complaints rapidly disappeared behind stifled laughter. “Yes but, why did they ask…”

The old man shrugged. “And this happened during our pulsed energy projectiles lesson, too. I wonder what his thought process was.”

Chapter Text

William was acutely aware of her presence, how she‘d slid silently into the room and perched on one of the folding tables. He tried his best to keep focused on the controls and maneuver his robot out of his opponent’s metal grip. 

“Did Model UN end early, or did they finally kick you out for trying to invade everyone?”

She smirked silently, unimpressed eyes still following the battle. 

He flicked a switch and a bolt of electricity flew at the other bot, scattering its pieces across the arena. 

Maria’s jaw dropped. “They don’t kick you out of robotics for that?”

Chapter Text

It was incredibly rare for the Professor to leave HIVE and, while that first glimpse of the outdoors had been refreshing, being away was starting to feel almost unsettling. He missed the safety and familiarity of the school walls. 

His Blackbox flickered to life and the Contessa’s face appeared onscreen. She sounded bored as she jumped straight to the point, demanding a status report. 

“It’s so good to hear your voice,” he sighed with relief, “but I can’t wait to hear it in person again.”

She paused, then chuckled softly. “That may be the first time I’ve been told that.”

Chapter Text

“That new nurse made a pincushion out of me. And I thought Max only hired the best of the best.” Pike gently rubbed the spot on his arm where his blood was drawn not half an hour ago. The Contessa merely grunted noncommittally, which made him realize something. “Wait, you haven’t gotten your yearly checkup yet, have you?”

“No, and I don’t plan on it.”

“Why not? … Afraid they’re just going to tell you to stop smoking?”

Her only response was another grumble. 

“You really should stop, you know,” Pike added, then yelped as she smacked his sore arm. 

Chapter Text

“I need your help… I’m lost.”

“What do you mean lost? How?”

“Well, I was walking through the halls and checking my notes from my latest experiment. Apparently I became a bit too absorbed in my equations and took a wrong turn, or five… anyways, can you tell me the quickest way back to my lab? You lead all those welcome tours, you must know HIVE like the back of your hand.”

“Did it not occur to you to simply ask HIVEmind?”

“…Ah. Right… Oh, and the entire facility’s blueprints are still here in my pocket. Er, sorry to bother you.”

Chapter Text

“Maria, I need you to swear-“

“Damn.”

“What? No, swear as in promise.”

“Yes, of course. Pardon me. It can be difficult on occasion to watch my language around the students. Now that class has ended, I suppose I was ready to ‘let loose,’ as they say.”

“They’re teenagers, not toddlers, you think they can’t handle the word ‘damn?’”

“Fine, fuck, are you happy now?”

“Dear Lord,” Colonel Francisco sighed from his seat not even ten feet away, burying his face into the cool metal of his prosthetic hand. “Do I always have to listen to you two be idiots?”

Chapter Text

“I have a valid question for you.” Pike punctuated his words with the clink of his spoon against the bowl. “Have you, personally, ever, in your life, went grocery shopping?”

The Contessa’s expression turned into one that ever so slightly resembled something in the same ballpark as embarrassment, although her tone kept the usual haughty edge of wealth. “I have not.”

And then a box of corn flakes was shaken in front of her face. “Guess how much this costs.”

Her mouth opened, closed, frowned, and opened again. “Er.. which currency?”

“Pick one.”

“It’s… ten.”

“Ten what?” he grinned. 

“…Eleven?”

Chapter Text

“I can’t read your handwriting.”

The two villains' attention snapped up to the other from where they sat on opposite sides of the table, where they had spoken in sync. “What?” they said, again simultaneously. 

“I said,” the Contessa pushed on grumpily, “I can’t read your writing. This is awful. You must realize it’s awful, don’t you?” The scribbles reflected the frantic and perpetually buzzing mind of the man who wrote them. A mess; she despised mess. 

“Perhaps I could put more effort into mine, but yours needs much less.” The overly flourished cursive, curled and swooping, hurt his eyes. 

Chapter Text

Pike beckoned her over to the workbench, seemingly lost in thought, tightening one final screw on a strange new machine. “If I were to try telling you a knock-knock joke, you wouldn’t say ‘who’s there’ back. That’s the kind of person you are.”

“That is irrelevant,” Maria said, “because you are not the type of person to make a childish joke like that in the first place.”

“Ah, good. I’m glad we understand each other.” And with that, he gave her shoulder a friendly pat and went on his merry way, leaving her more confused than when the conversation began. 

Chapter Text

“Do you want to give this a second thought? Or perhaps a first one?”

“Stop fussing. This is completely safe,” the Professor said, as he continued doing something incredibly dangerous. 

“Well, I don’t want to be here when it goes wrong.” The Contessa only made it a few rooms away when a loud SMASH sent her rushing back. 

“What happened?!”

“Nothing, I only dropped something. My God, you have no faith in me at all.”

“Maybe I’m worried about you, you idiot! Did that thought ever cross your absurd mind?”

“Are you?”

Glowering and petulant she announced: “Not anymore, no!”

Chapter Text

“Would you kill for me?” A playful glint in his surprisingly sharp eyes made it clear he was joking, although considering their professions it could’ve gone either way. 

“I would.” She let out a soft laugh before turning to look at him straight on. The sudden steeliness on her face sent a chill down his spine; unlike seconds ago, she was void of all humor. “Go ahead, please. Ask me to kill for you.”

He stammered nonsensical rebuttals until she once again lit up into peals of laughter. “A joke, dear Professor. But for you? I may actually mean it.”

Chapter Text

“Their base is in Kecskemét.”

“Excellent! I’ll let Max know. We’ll send a Shroud within the hour.” Pike paused then, when he noticed how Maria seemed to be leaning one shoulder against the wall for support. Her back faced him; suddenly she appeared small and frail. “Are you alright?”

No response. He rushed to her side. “My God,” he gasped at her pale skin and the trail of blood dripping from her lips, “how long were you interrogating them?!”

She wiped the blood away with the back of her hand, smearing it with her lipstick. “Long enough to get answers.”

Chapter Text

“Would you still like me if I was a worm?”

With pursed lips, the Contessa pointedly refused to look up from her book. She’d hoped that ignoring this irrelevant and, frankly, unnecessary question would make the Professor leave, but as the seconds ticked on she could still sense his expectant look. “That would make Tabitha seem like the lucky one, wouldn’t it,” she said, turning a page. 

“It’s hypothetical.”

“Well, I don’t like you as it is, and you’re a human. Shouldn’t that tell you all you need to know?”

“Yes you do. We’re friends.”

“We’re coworkers. Unfortunately,” she mumbled. 

Chapter Text

“Don’t cry over me.”

Her final words, laced with hypnotic whispers, regretful yet resolute. Then so soon after, she was gone.

How long ago had that been? Weeks, months?

It hurt inside and no relief would come. A hand gripped his heart, squeezed, never letting the pressure fade.

Did she think she was being kind? That her last command was one of mercy, so unlike all the others before?

Denying him a chance to cry, grieve properly, was the cruelest thing she had ever done. He couldn’t handle the dam of tears much longer. Sooner or later, it’d kill him.

Chapter Text

Perhaps it was because he’d suggested movie nights in the first place, something so mundane and… cozy. Or maybe it was how his first pick was a mind-numbingly boring documentary on the history of wheelbarrows. Either way, the Contessa was so annoyed that for her turn, she chose a terrifying film about exorcisms.

While unfazed by the demonic cover, Pike became more uneasy as the movie progressed.

“Good God!”

“It’s quite the opposite, actually.”

He glowered at her pleased expression. “Jumpscares are poor cinema, you know. They’re a cheap way of- holy shit!”

Characters died horribly; he screamed; she laughed.

Chapter Text

“I’m going to be sick.”

“…You chose this.”

Pike’s brilliant idea, that he now greatly regretted, was to pick an even scarier movie as revenge for last week’s demon-filled horrorfest. He decided on a slasher film, hoping to give his coworker a fright (and maybe, as the cliché went, he would offer his comfort to her).

“It’s much gorier than I expected. How can you stand it?”

Truthfully, she was equally disgusted, but first, like hell would she let him know that, and second, his reactions again proved entertaining.

“See that? Do you think Raven’s ever done that to anybody?”

Chapter Text

Professor Pike often appeared lost in his work, tuning out the rest of the world as he mumbled to himself, scribbled down notes, and stared intently at the computer screen. But something about him today seemed different to the Contessa. There was a certain seriousness to his expression, a kind of firm focus to his frown, and resolute stare in those blue eyes.

Finally she couldn’t take it, swiveling the monitor around. She couldn’t hide her surprise. “You’re learning Italian?”

He briefly hesitated. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because… there’s something I need to tell you. And it wouldn’t feel right in English.”

Chapter Text

“A third-year today - and he was definitely making fun of me - asked if I’d ever made a Transformer. But by golly, if that idea doesn’t just, just… gah!” Pike threw his hands up, giddy with the prospect.

Less enthused, more confused, the Contessa inquired, “Transformer? Like on power lines?”

“No, like Megatron, the Autobots and Deceptibots or whatever.”

“I’m following none of this.”

“Large fighting robots disguising themselves as some type of vehicle. Cars or jets, for example.”

“Or a Shroud?”

His face lit up like a child’s on Christmas morning. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my lab!”

Chapter Text

The Contessa entered the lab noisily to draw attention to herself. Yet the sole occupant didn’t turn around, even as she purposefully knocked into chairs and made her heels echo louder against the stone floor. After a minute of not being acknowledged, she cleared her throat.

“Good afternoon,” she said to the Professor’s back. “How’s work going?”

No response as he continued typing.

“Are you still angry that I cheating at our Monopoly game? I don’t know what you expected, we’re a school for villains-“

“You hid money up your sleeves! And stole my railroads!”

“I’m… sorry?”

“No, you aren’t!”

Chapter Text

Another department fatality (but only one this time!) led to mandatory safety training, which Pike reluctantly went along with, if only to appease Nero.

“I don’t understand why you’re administering it, however.”

The Contessa impatiently tapped her nails against the clipboard. “Do the CPR training already.”

“CPR wouldn’t have helped that scientist, after what happened to him, but sure, fine,” he mumbled.

He began chest compressions on the plastic dummy. She’d been prepared to deduct points for poor form, but he kept pace surprisingly well. Then she heard him quietly singing along.

“The Bee Gees? Really?”

“It’s working, isn’t it?”

Chapter Text

When the Contessa offered him a sip of her water, the parched Professor accepted. But as she handed it over, second thoughts suddenly emerged. Her lips had already touched it, so wouldn’t this be, in some roundabout way… a kiss?

“It’s not because I think you have germs,” he stated defensively while wiping off the bottle, “it’s just… there was lipstick on it.”

“You know I don’t care what you do.”

He took only the quickest of sips to minimize contact, nervously passing it back.

When she next took a drink, she paused, contemplating the bottle with an unreadable stare.

Chapter Text

Pike strolled down the hallway, nose buried in paperwork, when something jolted him to a stop. The Contessa had stuck her arm out, palm against the wall, blocking him from advancing.

“You should watch where you’re going.” She nodded to the gaping hole in the floor, courtesy of Darkdoom’s plant’s rampage.

“Goodness me, that would’ve been bad. Thank you.” He waited for her to move her arm and let him maneuver around… and waited. They kept eye contact, she kept him pinned.

“You could’ve used the voice, to tell me to stop,” he smirked.

“It was more fun this way.”

Chapter Text

“And you’re familiar with the rules?” The Contessa raised an eyebrow as Pike sloppily shuffled the deck.

“Oh, absolutely. You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em…”

She pointedly glanced back at the door. “When to walk away…”

He waved off her concerns with the toss of facedown cards. He was a chess genius, after all, so a simple card game should be child’s play. 

Later, she flipped a card between three fingers, Cheshire grinning at his defeated face.

“If you’re going to play the game, boy, you’ve got to learn to play it right.”

Chapter Text

“Christ, I am exhausted.” The bags under the Contessa’s eyes were evidence enough as she sank heavily into Pike’s chair, head crumpling into the cradle of her hands.

Pike gave a sympathetic look through the glass of the test tube he examined. “Can you look in the mirror and command yourself to sleep?“

“Unfortunately, no. I’ve tried. That’s how desperate I am.”

“What I’m gathering from this is that now’s my best chance of shooting you with a Sleeper and getting away with it.”

“Hit me with two, there’s no class tomorrow morning.”

“Please don’t pop Sleeper shots like ibuprofen.”

Chapter Text

“Here are a few options for our karaoke duet.”

Pike took the paper the Contessa offered and scanned it over. “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, classic. Don’t Go Breaking My Heart, excellent. The Dirty Dancing song? As long as the lift isn’t required, fine.” Only then did he realize: “Wait, I never agreed to this.”

She simply smiled.

“But… I can’t sing!” he objected.  

“I can.”

He believed her, but nevertheless, “I can’t, I shouldn’t.” His protests weakened as a faint glimmer of interest grew, powered by a tune he slowly remembered. “What about that Cher and Sonny Bono song?”

Chapter Text

“You’re listed in the system as ‘William.’” The Contessa tilted her head curiously at her Blackbox. “But Max’s father, he calls you ‘Theodore.’”

As if he had never realized it before, “Ah, he does, doesn’t he?” Pike said. “It’s my middle name.”

“You prefer Theodore, then?”

He leaned back and let out a thoughtful hum. “I suppose it doesn’t matter either way, I can’t recall ever feeling strongly towards one or the other. People can call me whatever they care to.”

“Alright… Will.”  

He let the nickname sink in, feeling the warmth it spread throughout his chest. “That’s… also acceptable.”

Chapter Text

“You don’t seem very concerned that this cave-in has us trapped here.”

“May I borrow your lighter?” was all Pike replied.

Maria fished her silver lighter from her pocket and placed it in his right hand, as he produced a large stick of dynamite from his lab coat with his left. 

“Your solution is to blow us up?”

“Oh, hush. I know what I’m doing.” 

“At least it will be a quick death,” she conceded, ducking for cover in the farthest corner of the room. 

“It’s just one explosion, to clear a new path, we’ll… probably… be fine. I think.”

Chapter Text

She had spotted it on his calendar weeks ago. “Maria’s birthday,” scribbled on April 7th in his ghastly handwriting. 

The Contessa had never cared much for her birthday, growing even less fond of it the older she reached, but something about how Pike made the effort to remember... 

She’d almost forgotten it herself, waking up to the feeling of another ordinary day. The date on her Blackbox only faintly registered as special. It was only when she spotted Pike in the hallway - that grin, that obvious excitement at how he planned to greet her today - that she cracked a smile. 

Chapter Text

They’d worked late into the night on their newest project, why not take a break? Even if dancing wasn’t something regular coworkers do, it was already a casual meeting anyways. At the table in her quarters, her hair down in a braid, his tie loosened and lab coat hanging up. 

The music, a record they both enjoyed, despite all their differences. So why not put it on? Take each other’s hand? First an exaggerated sway to laugh it off, then slowly settling into the movements, both so aware of the other’s gentle touch, in this world unaccustomed to being gentle.