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Chapter Text

On his third day of his...new life, for a lack of better words, the new Sasuke Uchiha has decided that the Grim Reaper was a fucking piece of shit.

If he was going to warp time and space and drop a poor soul into an anime dimension, he could at least have the decency to drop a 'how-to-japanese' book along with him.

If English Grammar classes in fourth grade were hell, then oh boy, self-learning Japanese deserved a new circle in the aforementioned destination.

Languages were not his strong suit.

Nor were ninjas but hey, you can't have it all.

"Sasuke-kun." Iruka...se-sei? whatever, said lightly, "Are you okay?"

No, Sasuke-kun was not okay. He had died or been jutsu'd out two weeks ago,--it's sad nobody's noticed with all the fangirls this kid has, but there's also been a literal genocide so that's probably sadder--leaving his body an empty husk for the Grim Reaper to hurl a some poor, dead soul into.

If there were no subtitles this poor soul in question was pretty sure he would go stir-crazy. That still didn't mean he could read what was written on the test paper though.

"Hn," he replied, two fingers on his forehead, and added an additional "Hn." to signify the severity of the situation.

"O-Oh!" Iruka sensei nodded, "Headache?" Poor, traumatized kid, Iruka thought, losing his family like that...it's only been a few years after all.

"Hn."

The Chunin Sensei hurried over to his raised table and started opening some drawers for pills, while Sasuke activated his Sharingan to record what Sakura--the resident nerd who by some god's grace was a fangirl too and had fought for a seat next to him-- had written on her paper.

The girl was perceptive and could feel eyes on her though.  Or it was just him getting used to ninja reflexes, that he flinched as green eyes landed on him.

Sakura's eyebrows furrowed for a moment.

What was wrong with Sasuke-kun? He never asked for help before?

But she rearranged her face into a wide smile, and lifted her elbows off her answer sheets.

"Go on," she mouthed, grinning.

"Hn," he replied, recording the paper, then shutting his sharingan off just as Iruka-se sei walked over to him, with extended hands. He carried some pills and a salve which Sasuke accepted readily, smearing some of the vaseline-like thing onto his forehead for effect.

Iruka-sensei nodded, pleased and Sasuke nodded back because it was the only thing that felt natural. 

He then started copying Sakura's hand's movements and writing.

One of the  things on the better side of the spectrum was that this "Uchiha" clan had a 'bloodline limit' called 'Sharingan".

 It was basically squeezing your tear glands and have it suck in this...chakra. It had come up when he was finally done with Shurikens cutting his thumbs up and the pain really ticked him off.

According to some ANBU with a dog mask though, that wasn't...supposed to happen. Apparently, sharingans awakened in "dangerous, emotional" moments.

Sasuke wanted to tell the ANBU to mind his own fucking business because excuse him, a person's grated thumb is not emotional?--but he kept his mouth firmly shut--partly because the moron wouldn't understand English, and partly because he was a government official and no way in hell was Sasuke trusting them.

If he had gathered something from his older Sister's anime rants, it was that this place--Konoha--was truly and utterly fucked up. He didn't know who exactly killed off the Uchiha, but he had heard cursing from his sister's room about Konoha you piece of trash-a massacre and how DARE you do that to Shasuyu? Shisusu?

So.

A country that sanctioned a genocide? Yup, Sasuke Uchiha needed to get "strong". And fast.

Loud rings of the bell echoed through the classroom, and children threw themselves off the chair, submitted their papers, and ran out of the classroom in files.

Another thing on the brighter side of the spectrum was that Sasuke had survived for most of the Academy, which meant there was only the Genin theory test--this, and the Practicals to go.

All of a sudden the titular character gave a screech in the middle of Sakura getting her pencils into her bag (and Sasuke trying to convey his thanks with telepathic waves and some staring politely) and Sasuke's eyes snapped up to meet orbs of blue. A blonde kid with whisker marks and blinding orange squinted at him, their faces only inches apart.

Anybody with better ninja reflexes would sense him coming, but this Sasuke hadn't gotten there yet, so his ninja reflexes had him jumping out of the chair in surprise. 

His head hit the desk behind him in a thud, papers scattering around him and Sasuke Uchiha laid on the ground in an unsightly lump.

Some of the fangirls gasped but didn't make a move to lift him up.

Naruto--and how could anybody not know this kid was a protagonist?!--looked so baffled, you could see the flies floating around his head.

Yamanaka Ino bulldozed her way through the crowd and extended a hand. He took the hand with a nod.

And sighed, finally, someone with an ounce of sense.

'Sasuke-kun!" she squealed, batting her lashes "What happened to you? Don't tell me you're hurt?"

Or not.

"Hn." he said, quickly withdrawing his hand in a show of rubbing at his head, and Naruto jumped off the desk himself.

"Oi, what's wrong with you, teme?" the blonde yelled, hands on hips.

Sasuke chose not to answer that because clearly, he had been on the floor with a head bump and if this idiot couldn't see that then he didn't deserve to be talked to.

"Hn." he grunted aggressively, glaring daggers at the blonde before twirling out with all the supposed grace and poise (he hoped) of an "Uchiha".

It seemed to be the right thing to do as Naruto fist pumped and yelled.

"That's more like it, bastard!"

There was a distinct sound of somebody's fist connecting with his head.

Gods save him from these idiots.

Chapter Text

The morning skies were a soft orange by the time Naruto was done training.

Today he had decided to work on some more taijutsu (it didn't have anything to do with Sakura-chan complimenting how his form was better, nope) at the crack of dawn. 

If he waited out to train in the evening then he knew he'd just spar with Sasuke, and bail out of extra training for some ramen.

The bastard though, Naruto mused with one aggressive leg stretch in his kata.

There was something wrong with him.

It wasn't the bad kind of wrong though. Just wrong. Like the kind of wrong when you order pork ramen and Teuchi-san says they changed the noodles up a bit. Not noticeable but...there.

The first time Naruto noticed was when they became a team.

He's not the best guy in subtle interro--inetro--whatever, or observation, but it was obvious with the way Sasuke looked intently at Kaka-sensei that there was something wrong there.

All Naruto had to do was find out and exploit it...

The guy wasn't half bad now that he knew him of course, but that didn't mean Naruto didn't want to beat him sneakily. They were shinobi! They looked underneath the underneath and did their sneaky things, wiggling their fingers.

Naruto snickered all of a sudden when he was reminded of Iruka-sensei fainting when the Oiroke henge wiggled fingers at him.

And so, Naruto Uzumaki, Future Hokage (tm)'s thought processes traveled across untamed territories (only five percent pranks), right when an apple landed on his head.

"Oi, bastard!" Naruto howled, seeing the bastard in question chew on another apple, perched on a tree branch "You think that's funny?!"

"Hn." he replied, pointing at the apple with his index finger and springing down the tree. The blonde's growling stomach was so audible that getting a hn of the right pitch was difficult.

"Shut up!" Naruto screeched.

What's with him?! Sasuke frowned since Naruto had struck a nerve, How much can you shut up when you talk in goddamn hn's?!

That was all the warning Sasuke got before Naruto flung himself on the Uchiha, bringing out his newly sharpened finger-nails.

Ninja. Sneaky.

He missed by the inch, and it was all the time Sasuke needed to dodge and get into his own katas.

The next fifteen minutes went by a blur with lots of attempts at scratching, bruised jaws, and bloody knuckles until Sakura skipped towards the training grounds, brimming with energy for a new mission that wasn't painting.

At the sight of two respectable (questionable) genin dirtying themselves before a mission (albeit D-Rank) for the Fire country's daimyo's wife, Sakura pried the two away from each other with some screaming.

"What do you think you're doing, Naruto?" Sakura chided, combatively dabbing at Naruto's orange sweatshirt with her handkerchief. He had to be presentable to the daimyo, after all.

"Whyddya think it's me starting it, Sakura-chan?" Naruto whined, inspecting the--tomato?!--stains on his shirt, "Bastard's the one who threw stuff at me, dattebyo!"

Sakura turned her head to Sasuke questioningly. 

He pointed at a tomato on the ground first, then pointed at his own tomato and at a leaflet for Yakiniku Q Sakura had balled into her kunai pockets.

The pinkette looked contemplative for a moment before her eyes lit up with an almost inaudible Oh!

"He was trying to give you tomatoes!" Sakura grinned and added hurriedly when she heard the motors in Naruto's stomach groan as in exasperation for their owner's stupidity. Or well-being. Or both, "Breakfast!"

"Hn." Sasuke said in approval, nodding sagely.

She's not half bad, Sasuke monologued, A pity she's a fan-girl.

"What kind of monster chews on raw tomatoes?!" Naruto shuddered in horror, "I thought they were apples, ew!"

What kind of monster eats ramen three times a day?! the Uchiha wanted to shoot back, but he settled for a very disapproving "Hn," with the right amount of disbelief and disgust.

Hey, Sasuke was getting good at this!

The blonde raised a fist in protest, which quickly got snuffed out when the pinkette raised one of her own.

"Be nice, you guys," Sakura sighed wearily because of actual mission tension (even if it was D-Rank), and Sasuke was a little aback with how she had addressed him too. That wasn't right! He had even Naruto given a precious Tomato as a peace offering.

There was suddenly a trademark swirl of leaves as their sensei, with the distasteful porn and all shunshind into existence.

Sasuke flinched slightly. Had this agent been watching children all this time?! With porn books?!

And felt a little like an idiot when the other two genin intoned "You're late!" gravely together and the Hatake replied with his lofty excuses about how there was a black cat on the road. And how black cats and the weather were tied together so he had to go back to his apartment for an umbrella but realized the clouds couldn't be lying after all and the umbrella was a liability now which no ninja could afford to have and--

You get where this is going.

Someone had to get this guy a goddamn science book. Like Sasuke needed an English to Japanese Dictionary desperately.

"Now onwards to the mission, my cute students!" Kakashi interrupted his thoughts in a voice that made it obvious that he thought both the 'mission' and his cute students were nothing but a huge joke.

And it was a joke to a trained assassin in a sense, Sasuke nodded very seriously.

Chapter Text

Spiky rocks gutted the plateau rising out the sea, foamy waves lapping at it's base in tandem. White specks of dust--probably seagulls-- dived through the blues of the skies and browns of the earth as if rubbing their mobility in Team Seven's face.

"How are we here again?" Sakura inquired pleasantly enough if pleasantly meant crushing the seashells in your palms, staring into the vast skies.

"Log crashed," Kakashi replied, equally pleasant and jabbing at some bananas from the island with a kunai. "I remember you fidgeting with your chakra control exercises, Sakura-chan."

"I see," she said. "I remember Kakashi-sensei lecturing about Elemental natures."

Then paused.

Kakashi turned to eye-smile at her and nod, allowing her to continue.

"In the middle of the sea latched on a little log after our ship crashed, that is." she continued jovially, " But thank you, sensei. It was helpful to know that I can smash your faces with Earth when"--the threat was not if--"you show me more Doton Jutsu. Now I remember Sasuke-kun sitting there, peacefully."

"Hn." Sasuke supplied for support. Because yes, Sasuke didn't need to fall off a tiny wooden boat that was barely stable.

 Shinobi suffered through much harder trials, apparently, but clearly, they hadn't been on shaky logs in the middle of the sea with a creepy sensei keeping his book from drenching and droning about jutsu for stress relief, a hyperactive, hydrophobic (or maybe it's just small logs) teammate clawing at your sleeves and another teammate with constantly fluctuating chakra because of her hulk-exercises.

Maybe if the team had known this is what it took their--alright, whatever crazy government guy he was, Sasuke had to admit there were weirder guys like...Guy (cue shuddering), so sensei he is--to teach them something then they would've readily thrown themselves into the sea.

"And what were you doing, Naruto?" she turned to the blonde sprawled on the sand as far as possible from the waves, her gaze slamming into him full-force.

Or at least that was Naruto's idea (not the teaching part; throwing himself into the sea).

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto whined and flailed, "You've gotta believe me, dattebayo. There was this one kid in the ship who was working and he didn't wanna work and those guys were forcing him. He wasn't even being honest to himself and all servant-ish and I had to rasengan him 'cause I could understand, y'know--"

Oh, everyone knew where this was going.

"--and you talked to this kid so the ship's owner threw us out?" Sakura nudged, pleasantly.

"Hn." Sasuke nodded aggressively, keeping his eyes on the blonde and wondering if he should say those words out loud. The words he'd been practicing.

"No!" Naruto protested vehemently, "You're wrong! And his name's Yashiro! It was 'cause of --this, big barrel thing and I hid the poor kid there, dattebayo. That ship guy's such a perv keeping young kids all 'round forcefully,  you know! I threw the barrel out into the sea when I couldn't rasengan the ship owner guy," then added thoughtfully, "but Yashi-kun had this cool water kekkei genkai and he knew how to swim so that's fine!" Naruto flashed a blinding grin and a thumbs-up.

"Naruto, let me get this straight," Kakashi said, slowly, "You talked with someone for three minutes; the time it took Sasuke to come back from the restroom, attempted to murder him--"

"Sensei," Naruto groaned, cutting in.

Sasuke leveled him with a look of disgust, hoping to telepathically let him know what an idiot he was,  as Kakashi continued.

"--sorry not sorry, murder him with an A-class technique, sympathized and learned their name, realized that the ship we were on was operated by a missing-nin who had a hand in human trafficking--and did not report it to your commanding officer," Kakashi paused here as if to tell Naruto that was him with his eyes-

Sakura made a remark about how said commanding officer was attempting to make his summons talk to dolphins gleefully which was duly ignored.

" stuffed said person into a barrel and threw them into the sea betting on their kekkei genkai when you couldn't beat the missing-nin, and cornered said missing-nin into sinking the ship to escape when--" he took a deep breath which Sasuke emulated.

"--when you could have told told us, and we could have beaten this missing-nin together and taken your friend into safety."

Sasuke didn't know how safe Konoha was though. Maybe poor Yashiro's body--uh--as in not dead body, no, how absurd if he was thrown into the sea in a barrel, Sasuke mused as he kept staring at Naruto ominously --would fare better in the waters.

Naruto was even scarier than those Konoha ninjas sometimes, the Uchiha thought.

Oh. Maybe because he is one.

Anyone sparing a glance in his direction would mistake him to be cursing Naruto with the less than favorable staring, but little would know that Naruto had the horrible luck thing down to a T without anyone perfecting it for him. If anything Sasuke was trying to take on some of that bad luck for himself--at least he could try to keep it a little more contained.

"I don't get what you're saying but it all sounds messy, Sensei." Naruto had the gall to tut-tut as if Kakashi was the one that turned a simple cloth transport mission into a B-rank-missing nin quest sans the cloth which was probably floating somewhere in the sea. "The underneath of the underneath's that I've got this gut feeling that we'll see 'em again, y'know!"

Kakashi opened his mouth under his mask to speak when Sasuke interrupted him loudly.

"Hn." he channeled belligerently, looking at Sakura,  and said in good old English "No."

Japanese no was probably easy, but he had only actively pursued the language for the past week after Snake Man.

Sakura nodded seriously and said, "Don't."

Kakashi shut his mouth.

"It's just...better we don't." Sakura said, more to herself, "He's always right. We always get that missing-nin back on track like some drama episode someho--"

Sakura leaped off the edge of the sea bed, sending sand flying all around in the process. The water-ball aimed at her splattered a few seashells, and by the time she sent a kunai hurling towards the missing nin's face, Kakashi had already sprung into action, working his own signs.

The Uchiha sighed wearily and made signs for his own Katon.

And looked at Naruto, who was standing with his mouth agape as if he had expected something different to happen.

He quickly charged forward with a cry of Kage Bunshin no Jutsu and Sasuke shook his head.

"Idiot..." Sasuke mumbled under his breath in Japanese.

 And he was pretty proud that his pronunciation was perfect.
 

Chapter Text

The genin practicals were finally done.

Sasuke pulled off a clone only due to sheer force of will, fractured practice, a miracle, his body's instincts when it came to "molding" this chakra and another miracle. As it should be, really, because the grim reaper had to throw in some miracles if he wanted this body to survive so desperately--desperate enough to hurl another soul into it.

And Sasuke was always one to hit the books--and now that he couldn't without knowing the language, any sort of instinct helped. He had to tail someone to know where the library was for basic Japanese books sometime or he was gonna be in trouble.

Imagine running into trouble with bandits because you couldn't tell which way Konoha was with a bright red post declaring exactly where. It was with surprising fervor that Sasuke defended this new "Uchiha" pride. He was the only guy left in a whole-ass mansion-like compound after all. Those guys would have to have had some dignity if they got so much space. And there was the strange responsibility bugging him that he would be sooner buried under a tonne of rocks than do something to slight like that.

So when Sasuke walked off after making two perfect clones, shrugging aloofly and hands in pockets, he was practically limping to the desk from balancing sudden effects of chakra on the body. While he was inwardly bursting crackers.

The titular character didn't have the same luck though. He made a shaky clone--one so bad that it would be a caricature of the exam if the examiner let it pass however much Iruka liked the blonde.

Which was exactly why Sasuke, pulling off angst and hard-to-talk-to perfectly (thank Gods the previous Sasuke wasn't any different. A massacre had its perks sometimes--ouch, dark humor), was flabbergasted when the same blonde threw open the classroom door parading one of the weird eye metal plate headbands. And landed on his team.

The moment he, the nicer fangirl, and the protagonist ended up on one team was when he had a sinking realization. 

Sasuke Uchiha was a major character in a crazy-ninja world-anime where you could be assassinated, wasn't he?

Chapter Text

It was their third official mission.

One step closer to being a real kunoichi.

Or at least that's what Sakura told herself, the diagonal paw slash on her cheek dripping with blood.

"SAKURA-chan, GET iT! The cAt!" Naruto's high-pitched screech broke towards the end, as he scampered towards the hellcat waving around a torn-up net madly.

Birds previously pecking the ground scattered in all the directions at the cat's scurrying around, one of them clouding Sakura's vision and occupying her hands in clawing them out of her hair, her eyes.

Thirty agonizing minutes later, ninja wire brushed the cat's front paw and in a split second Tora was dangled leg up on a tree.
 
Sasuke let out a low, guttural sound in mockery of the cat's mewls darkly, mouthing something incomprehensible along the lines of there there itty-itty, perched on top of the tree branch and extending the hellcat's carrier.

All of them (they bullied Sensei into it with all the ramen tabs they filled for him) had pitched in what savings they had to get a proper, sturdy steel carrier after the last time they hunted the demon.

Sasuke then made eye-contact with Sakura once and nodded.

She was briefly perplexed. Then signaled to Naruto with a thumb when Sasuke nodded again.

Oh. Get Naruto?

She nodded back and rolled her sleeves to her elbow,  preparing to drag Naruto back from the greener parts of the village yelling OI DEMON papa's got rAMEN for YOU DATTEBAYO for the rest of the village to hear. Then she took a good look at the sleeves with seives and holes that were definitely not rolling up and mentally made a note to never wear sleeved clothes to hellcat missions.

Sasuke-kun was like a puzzle, Sakura mused.

It wasn't that she had given up on her crush or anything--Sakura never gave up on things, she decided as she trekked behind Kakashi after Team seven had captured The Cat. It was more like it had been put on the back burner since puzzles were a lot more interesting than crushes for the time being.

Even more interesting than the new ninja-anime puzzle she had back at home.

(She was going to ignore Sasuke-kun's disinterest as soon as possible in usual Sakura-avoid-the-bad-and-the-stupid fashion. Giving up, remember?)

(How fitting she was put on this team)

"Hello." Kakashi greeted the daimyo's wife with a slight bow--more respect than he'd show anyone else but it was more related to the Cat-- then extended the carrier stiffly  "Cat."

"Don't let 'im go, miss." Naruto advised, all the while giving Tora the side-eye, and added quickly to be polite just because desperate times called for desperate measures, "Please, dattebayo."

"Hn." Sasuke shivered in agreement. If he had to sprint after the cat one more time. Mr. Grim McDickie would have to find a new soul for this nonsense.

And Sakura felt the familiar urge to pick apart what he meant. There was just so much to what Sasuke said sometimes.

Dark, broody Nods, Vaguely Approving Hn's, Vindictative Hn's--these were all stepping stones to beat the crap out of Ino, in Sakura's very professional opinion.

There was only one reason for such precision never heard of before. It had to be an Uchiha thing.

So when Naruto took off to Ichiraku Ramen and Sasuke excused himself with a flat wave after the mission, Sakura skipped over to Kakashi.

"Sensei, I've got a question," Sakura stated straight to the point partly because there was a chance he might shunshin away and another part of her not wanting her eyes to wander to the new book he had. "Does the Uchiha clan have a language?"

One black eye looked back at her in faint interest.

"Not that I know of," he hummed, leaning into the bark of a tree, "Why?"

Sakura furrowed her brows. She supposed it could always be an in-the-clan-under-the-wraps thing.

"Then, do you know any Uchiha?" she asked absently, trying to decipher the latest word.

Itty? Mitty? The Uchiha would have a dictionary, won't they?

Kakashi peered at her for any 'surprise--!' jumpscares but apparently, nothing of that sort was happening. 

He sighed.

"Look Sakura," he began. Did civilian borns not know anything? Come to think of it, the Sandaime did say it was better everything was shushed and specifics not be leaked out. But wasn't she a fangirl? "There aren't any more Uchiha."

''What?" Sakura tilted her head.

"....there was a massacre. Of the Uchiha." Kakashi informed flatly, shut the book,and shunshined away before he had to actually talk to the kid about it. She was a perfectly mentally sound child who could process things. Probably. Who let him be in charge of tiny humans anyway?

The leaves left in his wake brushed Sakura's qipao.

"What."

Chapter Text

That little how the fuck did he--

Sasuke shook his bag of curses, emptied it, and refilled it three whole times in the minute it took him to get the rope off. Thankfully the taijutsu kata practice book with diagrams he had in his bag also had that one knot-untying technique, which this body was used to.

If Sasuke had a bad impression of the titular character before, he sure as hell didn't like him now. Did the bastard really tie up a teammate--a guy who he was supposed to work with for fucking assassinations to get together with a chick? This was beyond ridiculous.

Said chick didn't look any better though. Her intentions were so apparent it practically vibrated off her. What did that stupid blonde do?

"Sasuke-kun, you're so shy!" Sakura called coyly, "I hope you're ready now?"

She batted her lashes. You could call Sakura delusional, but not a quitter.

Sasuke had no idea what he had to be ready for. He wanted to shout really, because, stupid fangirl, didn't you see that was a dumb " henge"  if there was a me here and not me?! But oh, who was he kidding, nobody even spotted the real Sasuke.

Sakura quickly invaded his personal space in awkward strides.

"Sasuke-kun?" she asked, high-pitched.

The Uchiha shook his head and walked away, mumbling about Naruto.

The pinkette visibly deflated and crossed her arms. Then continued awkwardly, "Don't change the subject, Sasuke-kun. Why would you talk about Naruto now? He's just so annoying and keeps fighting with you."

"Hn." Sasuke said in approval, because that was right, and badmouthing him was really some catharsis. 

"Well, he doesn't have a normal childhood,so..." Sakura trailed off, then said shrugging, she was trying, trying to just, fill the silences, it was always Naruto this, Naruto that, right when they were about to kiss too! " If it was me, my parents would ground me for months. But he's lucky he's all alone, there's nobody to wring him by the neck if he does stupid things... And so he can get into trouble and uh..."

Oh, obviously, the protagonist was going to be an orphan, Sasuke rolled his eyes. Now, what did he tell the info-dump-for-the-audience girl?

Tch. Sasuke clicked his teeth, not caring about how Sakura's shoulders drooped.  He would be polite any other day, promise. And any other day him would be well-rested and not nursing splendid eye-bags. Any other day him would be a better Sasuke Uchiha. He grumbled a quick annoying in English under his breath which she caught, deciphered somewhat but couldn't make sense of completely.

"Oi." Sasuke said sternly, with his very limited knowledge of what he was doing. He was many things, but in particular, he was a perfectionist. He liked being on top of things and actually knowing what he was doing. If he was going to say something, he wanted it to be right. 

And so it didn't surprise him when whatever he was trying to translate had died in his throat because of the limited knowledge of his. Sakura snapped into attention.

"Y-You were saying something about um, we were, um, kiss,uh " she fumbled, tears almost prickling at the corner of her eyes. It was obvious Sasuke-kun didn't look all that interested anymore. "Before, you, um, went to the restroom."

And he mentally face-palmed.

It was obvious that there was something he was missing here.  He didn't go to the restroom, the stupid Uzumaki had tied him up and the girl seemed to partially understand him, so--

Henge no jutsu!

 With a poof, the blue high collared shirt and white trousers disappeared into a dull grey. When the smoke cleared, there was Uzumaki Naruto in all his glory, wearing a scowl that gave a new angle to his whole face shape.

Unlike some people, Sasuke did care about someone backing him up when he got dumped with bloodline limit explosions from potential enemies. If the blonde couldn't do it, someone had to. So he jabbed the left-over rope in her direction and said, "Naruto."

There was a high-pitched scream from the forests that barged into Sakura's almost-resolved confusion. 

Another Sasuke was on the ground, one palm on the ground, supporting the weight of his body, mouth open in horror.

"Sakura-chan, get away!" a shrill scream from the other Sasuke, "That's not me!"

Even before the pieces truly clicked, Sakura regretted that her thoughts flitted over to how her rambling was insensitive. She glanced at the ropes and her henge'd teammates and took a deep breath.

Sasuke shrugged.

He canceled the henge jutsu and turned his back on the impending carnage. The girl was apparently "civilian born" but she could pull off angry sparring as well as any ninja. If he was right the grocer was having a sale on free-ice cream right around this time.

"NARUTO YOU-"

"I just wanted to prank teme Sakura-chan--NO--"

Naruto's pained cries echoed through the training grounds.

This team was a clusterfucking disaster. It would be a miracle if the agent guy didn't kill them himself, Sasuke sighed tiredly, counting coins for his ice cream.

Chapter Text

It began like this.

Another day, another Tora mission, some more good old painting.

Sasuke didn't hate the painting per se, why would he? It wasn't slitting throats or getting throats slit, but Konoha's very particular heatwave wasn't helping his opinion of that damn government agent picking missions for them. But some others, namely Sakura and Naruto, had apparently been decked up to crack some skulls with their non-existent ninjutsu (the children in Konoha were so disturbing) and visibly deflated at another painting mission.

With the way Naruto practically jabbed the cat carrier at the daimyo lady (who they politely called Shijimi-san) and Sakura accidentally thrusting the paint buckets at Kakashi a little short of feral and with the sweetest smile after the mission, Sasuke knew something would change.

But what he didn't expect, was Naruto banging down the fucking president's door and plopping down on the floor stubbornly, asking for things to kill. Or for C-Rank missions. Sasuke didn't really know how these people classified things.

Kakashi looked like he wanted to disappear, but he always did that. For a change though, Sasuke agreed with the sentiment. If this military guy was planning on executing them for the disrespect or something then Sasuke was going missing-nin. Period. He might even pick up the language.

"You idiot!" hands banged the desk, "Everyone works their way up from D-ranks!"

Sasuke turned wide-eyes to a familiar chunin dressed in a flak jacket and donning a scar.

"But we get the crappiest missions!"

Sakura made a small noise of traitorous agreement, but currently, Sasuke was preoccupied with the nice, sane, chunin to whirl his head at the pinkette and glare at her accordingly.

Even Kakashi seemed unable to resist the nice (objectively, obviously, it's not like it was only Sasuke), healthily tanned, wonderful (objectively) chunin, so he smacked Naruto on the skull with a "Be quiet, you."

The Hokage-man took the moment to go on a spiel about rankings which seemed expositionary and Sasuke thanked the nice chunin for bringing up the credentials-for-a-mission conversation up telepathically. He calmly assured in between puffs of smoke how newly-minted genin went on D-ranks first.

Then calmly screamed at Uzumaki Naruto who had his back turned on him, mumbling about miso ramen to listen.

"I'm not the stupid brat you think I am anymore!" Naruto yelled with some amount of seriousness.

Which still didn't counter the fact that he had screamed at their president.

After various awkward moments that took off a lot of years of Sasuke's (and Kakashi's, probably. Sakura seemed oddly pleased that Naruto was throwing the president around) life span, the Hokage sighed.

Iruka-sensei brightened up for some reason which drew Sasuke's eyes immediately. He would duly ignore the favoritism the sensei held for Naruto and the blonde brat had something to do with the smile.

Since Iruka-sensei was sane and smiling, it probably meant they wouldn't be impaled on huge senbon, right? Sasuke wasn't being lenient on his choice in favorite students because Iruka-sensei seemed pretty when he was doing that or anything. (And even if Sasuke thought so, it was objective, objective, he tells you--)

So imagine his surprise when the Hokage man sighed warily again with a small smile. He flicked a wrist, and there was, viola, Tazuna the bridge builder in the room reeking of alcohol and rough soap.

Apparently, C-ranks weren't about killing creatures, so their team didn't need to do that--yet, it was actually about information gathering, low-importance people escorts, or deliveries.

Which suits the team very well, in Sasuke's educated opinion. Sakura seemed more upbeat since this was the range she was hoping for too. And she quickly took care of  Naruto's loud protests about the mission being stinky and not cool with a pointed glare that conveyed her thoughts on his parentage perfectly. 

What else could he want when he wasn't winning against Sasuke in taijutsu? Assisted suicide?

Sasuke wanted more information on the Hokage people right then. Wasn't Konoha some sort of military dictatorship? Was this guy who killed a whole clan just going to let Naruto go scot-free after he pulled that? Or the guy wasn't Hokage then but there was no way to find that out when he couldn't read or talk so he listened to Sakura's NPC-information-drown speech about the Hokage which was probably aimed at an audience.

Then again, you wouldn't expect people to spit fire or water and just sink into the earth. Brain impairments were more than likely with how Sakura was droning about this guy being a Professor who mastered every element.

All the modifications that did to your body was better left to creepy science fiction movies. 

Iruka-sensei waved at them with a faint smile which Naruto returned with fervor, Sakura a nod of her head and Sasuke with a polite semi-bow.

(Sasuke made a mental note to stalk--gather information and learn taijutsu stances from the academy premises later)

Chapter Text

Fingers laced, mafia-villain way, Sasuke observed the last occupants of the classroom--the newly formed Team Seven.
 
Unsurprisingly, Naruto was shuffling around in his place, announcing loudly from time to time that their new sensei was probably super old and stank, so he had to take long showers.

In the periphery of his vision, Sakura pitched in her own theories when she thought he wasn't looking. She had been skitting around nervously in the beginning, but it had progressively dwindled into plausible cracked footprints on the concrete floors if she was any less dainty.

"That's it, dattebayo!" Naruto declared pompously, "That guy's going down."

Sasuke gave him a look that deadpanned, pray tell, Uzumaki. And he meant it. One more minute with this boring, ticking clock sounds and he would go missing-nin. Since staying Genin forever sounded stupid.

Encouraged by the unexpected audience, Naruto rambled on, "So I take the board eraser thingy here, don't dust off the chalk and keep this here," he paused, dragging a creaking chair to stand on, then continued, "okay, so I flip this here and when he opens the door BAM!"

The kunoichi caught Sasuke's unimpressed staring and staged a "Naruto, he's a jonin! You think he's gonna fall for it?" very unconvincingly while giggling.

Sasuke unlaced his fingers and used them as a balance to steadily get up. Urgh two fucking hours my butt's frozen over.

Whoever this Kakashi Hatake was, Naruto was right, he was going down.

Sasuke grabbed the ninja wire in his pockets and walked over to the door in brisk steps. Sakura's eyes widened as Sasuke Uchiha, almost stumbling from the dragged-over chair, looped ninja-wire over the door's hinges.

"W-What are you doing, bastard?" Naruto croaked in incredulity.

The Uchiha shot him a very unimpressed look and jabbed a thumb at the board duster.

Naruto recovered fast enough, scrambling up to hold the chair in place. 

"You want it to dangle in front of his face?" Sakura whispered, mouth agape.

"Hn." Sasuke replied, tying it more firmly. It would be a wonder if it did hit the Trained Assassin but if it did...Sasuke would fully like to cackle madly.

"Sasuke-kun, get down." she advised.

The Uchiha clicked his teeth in annoyance.

"But bastards being fun, Sakura-chan."  Naruto stomped his feet.

An impish grin spread across Sakura's face.

"He is," she snickered, with none of the coyness from before. "And I'll pull on it so it hits sensei back to back."

Sasuke frowned at her change of mind for a minute, then threw the rest of the ninja wire at her. The pinkette boarded the chair, adjusted her skirt, and got to adding her own adjustments with deft fingers.

"Explosive tags?" Sakura suggested wickedly, grabbing yellowing paper from the pouch near her kunai holster.

"Hn." Sasuke agreed with a slow smirk.

Confusion oozed out of Naruto's very being, Naruto being the synonym for it in the dictionary along with Orange and Ramen. His hands propped on the chair to balance it fell slack.

"S-Sakura-chan?!"

The effects were instantaneous. 

A light wobble of the chair and Sakura's step faltered. She struggled to grip on the door's handle, letting the duster slip through her fingers. Ninja wire nicked her index finger in the process, and in her panic, the chair wobbled even more dangerously. Naruto scrambled out of his daze in an effort to catch her right when Sasuke bolted for the duster with the explosive tags.

Just when the Uchiha heaved a sigh on safely apprehending the little rascal of the duster, a knee--probably Naruto's--jerked the chair, making the kunoichi fall head first to the opposite direction of Naruto's extended hands. Fingers had to fist around Sasuke's high-collars and tug him forwards for him to come to the horrifying realization that she wasn't going down without taking everyone fuck--

Naruto cursed with a lot of colorful dattebayo's when he realized what exactly was happening but nope. Too late-- no ninja skills could free him of Sakura heading head-first into his chest and--

 Sasuke tasted hair and aloe-vera (is that shampoo what the fu--), promptly spitting pink locks out, and his Sharingan swirled for no use at all zeroing in on getting the hell out. In the span of seconds, Team Seven was on the ground in an unsightly lump, a tangle of limbs and hair.

His didn't just feel it, his knees did weigh over a hundred kilos and he screamed when it rightly happened to be under Naruto's butt. The blonde sported a huge lump on his head, skull hitting the window frame, and Sakura's hands were twisted at sinister angles.

"Naruto, NO, your--my HAIR--" Sakura cried, yanking pink out of the blonde's elbow. Naruto tried sitting up straight--he would swear on the ramen God he didn't mean it to happen--when he elbowed Sakura right in the jaw. The pinkette snarled out at him in rage, hissing insults, not caring about her hair anymore.

Because he cared about Teamwork to an extent and loved his life, Sasuke held Sakura by the shoulders to keep her from thrashing. All it earned was another bruise on Sasuke's poor, poor elbows, a kick to his shin and did she just try to bite?! 

He let out a startled cry at one of Naruto's ill-timed pull of limbs.

Absolutely feral and finally free, Sakura's fist lounged towards Naruto.

Because Naruto loved his life too, he parried the punches and kicks with his own, but what he didn't know was that there was still hair circling his elbow. Sakura winced loudly from the tear in her scalp, eyes stinging.

Sasuke would have liked to promptly jump from this disaster zone, thank you very much, but Naruto had other ideas. He had the same one-for all! stupidity in his head as Sakura and somebody tugged on his collar again. HARD.

Laundry  was fucking expensive and he was not fishing for clothes from the houses of murdered people--

With a growl, Sasuke jumped into the fray and immediately got decked on the nose with Naruto throwing punches left and right, eyes screwed shut and self preservation skills turned up. Sasuke didn't whimper --no--unfortunately the electric buzzing in his nose had him stepping on somebody's hair out-of-focus. Said person gasped then clawed at everybody's face.

God knew how much time had passed, but before they knew it Naruto had plopped down on the ground and started guffawing hysterically. He doubled over on his stomach, elbows still intertwined with Sasuke's and the walls of the classroom echoed his cackles.

Sakura followed suit a second later, downright dropping down into the floor and howling in laughter. She dabbed at her tears, and Sasuke stared dumbfounded at his idiotic teammates. Then kept staring at what had come of his life.

A click oh his tongue later, Sasuke separated hair and other parts of his teammates away (and this time very gingerly) in disgust. With the poise of an Uchiha (he hoped), he got up and huffed.

Sensibility came over the pinkette and she bowed her head (still laughing).

She blinked happy tears away sheepishly, getting the knots out of her hair. Naruto, on the other hand, slapped her on the shoulder and applauded on her pranking initiatives (he didn't say anything about Sasuke's ingenious idea though, not that he minded) which she received with a surprising lack of violence and even a open-mouthed grin.

"I'm so sorry, Sasuke-kun," she giggled nervously, still giddy from the post-prank madness.

"What about me Sakura-chan?" Naruto whined, to which he got socked on the shoulder and Sasuke felt delightfully vindicated.

"Hn..." Sasuke said, slightly accepting since she had punched Naruto. Right then he was reminded of all that hair.

He pointed a finger at her hair, and a disgusted noise rose from the back of his throat on autopilot from having a chunk of it shoved down in his throat earlier. If Sasuke could help it, he'd be more polite, promise.

Sakura nodded eagerly at that and continued laughing sheepishly while gathering her locks in a messy bun.

"Uh, guys..." Naruto trailed off.

"I--"

"GUYS." Naruto said, more urgent.

"What?!" Sakura barked, turning her head to the Uzumaki in impatience.

Later Sasuke (and most definitely Naruto) would tell you that he definitely did not squeak in surprise and that his ninja skills were the sharpest thing on the planet.

You shouldn't believe him.

A shady man in a flak jacket slouched on one of the academy chairs, chin in palm and elbow propped on the table. Grey-white hair stuck out defying gravity, more so than anybody else in that dimension, and one lone eye scanned the other occupants of the room when they turned their attention to them.

"W-Who..." Naruto trailed off, but it was obvious he knew the answer.

"Maa, took your own sweet time, hm?" he said, eye crinkling creepily in a mockery of a smile or something--Sasuke couldn't see since he had more than half of his face covered (and gee, way to seem inconspicuous and sneaky), "If I was an enemy you'd be dead by now."

But you're not an enemy and you were willingly spending time watching pre-teens fight, Sasuke wanted to shoot back, but Naruto beat him to the sass, albeit louder.

And it's not like Sasuke would talk anyway. Jonins equaled legal assassins who were good at what they did and he sure as well wasn't going to piss one off. This one was sent to spy on newer soldiers for treason too.

"But you're no enemy and you're supposed to be a sensei, dattebayo! Why the hell didn't you make noise?" Naruto demanded, switching gears from maybe-amused to positively-annoyed in a split second.

"And you were supposed to be cute genin who didn't prank their senseis." he shrugged, "Ouch. My poor heart. We can't have it all."

"Hn." Sasuke stated firmly, emanating waves of disapproval because he was an idiot and had forgotten that Jonins were fucking legal assassins.

Sakura caught on pretty quick with an oh and shook her head in exasperation for their "sensei".

"You were late," Sakura said, frowning accusingly.

Their sensei's posture shot up straight. He narrowed his eyes menacingly and divulged, entirely solemn, "Lesson One, kids."

They gulped collectively. The guy was worth some shit if he could make it this far, obviously.

"Patience is an important virtue for a shinobi. Any stake-outs or reconnaissance require it." he said matter-of-factly,  then ruined the build-up a moment later by swatting his hands and tut-tutting as if it was no big deal, "And pssh, I was only late by an hour."

Even Naruto, whose most unimpressed glare never went above a scandalized attention-grab of a furrow in his brows looked at their sensei like he unrepentantly skinned children and sold them off for satanic rituals to sustain people's youth for a living.

"Meet me in the roof in five." he sing-songed very much unrepentantly and detonated in a puff of smoke.

Sasuke half-expected intestines and brain matter to splatter on his face with not a little glee, then reminded himself that this was a ninja world with creepy ninja clones and creepier ninja children who got into catfights, then scowled together when the creepiest of terminators for teachers showed up.

This was his life, he sighed, attempting a shunshin to the roof and failing spectacularly.

Chapter Text

"Hatake Kakashi. Jonin. The things I like...nothing you should be concerned about." the man drawled, "Things I hate...I don't feel like telling you. Hobbies, I do a lot of things." he said very seriously, hands slightly brushing one his front pockets, then pointed at Naruto "You go first."

Sasuke was panicking. Really, really panicking. He barely registered Sakura's accusing "that's just your name" which he would have readily supported any other time.

This guy here was a government agent sent to keep an eye on new soldiers. And he was the last of a clan which was literally massacred--which either meant this Sharingan was a big deal with the human trafficking rings according to Dog Mask or Avatar Hokage man was crazy.

With his luck, it would be the former.

"Uzumaki Naruto, and I'm gonna be the Hokage, dattebayo!" Naruto screeched in the background. "I like ramen! And I hate waiting three minutes..."

If they found out that somebody was hurled into Sasuke Uchiha's body, what's to say he wouldn't be tortured with the weird Yamanaka Jutsu?

"...playing pranks, and if Sakura-chan wants we can do it together." he said, sending a besotted look at the pinkette to which she stuck her tongue out, "...And Sasuke-bastard can come with us if he wants to." he added with a huff.

There was a stretch of silence and cicadas chirping.

It was when Kakashi blinked lazily at him that he realized he was supposed to speak. Now.

And since two could play the lazy game, Sasuke staged extending a drawn-out hand, motioning towards Sakura. He met Jonin's gaze even when all he wanted to do was crawl into the ground and blinked back slowly.

Before Kakashi could say anything back, Sakura had already begun her introductions.

"I'm Haruno Sakura. I like um...the person I..." she glanced at Sasuke at this, and he surreptitiously moved an inch away from her. The pinkette visibly deflated and continued, "I like, you know...puzzles and crosswords. I...hate bugs."

"Hobbies, hobbies, Sakura-chan!" Naruto sing-songed.

"Don't have any," she replied cuttingly.

"Oh." it was Naruto's turn to deflate. "Maybe you can paint stuff sometime for hobbies, dattebayo."

This wasn't good. He was going next. And the atmosphere was damp, cold or whatever the hell this was. There was no diverting people's attention with his team mate's shenanigans.

Kakashi raised a brow at him as if to say you're in for it now, sucker.  

Sasuke seethed.

"Sasuke Uchiha." he said, clipped.

If this guy could get away with just his name, he could too.

Crows cawed in the background.

All the other three furrowed their brows at him. Or at least that's what he assumed the agent was doing hiding under layers of black and metal headband.

"Sasuke...Uchiha?" Sakura voiced it, "Not...Uchiha Sasuke?"

And Sasuke realized what he just did. Japanese people didn't say names right. Or it was more like English didn't say it right since he was in a Japanese world, but that's doesn't make it automatically right, just different and--

That wasn't the issue.

Sasuke absolutely didn't gulp. Gulping meant Trained Assassin took him out after finding him weird.

Instead, he curled his lip as if in disgust and raised an eyebrow in challenge. His fingers unlaced, and they fell, elbows on knees. 

The point put forward was unimpressed by your lack of appreciation for unique ways of thinking. Older cousins had always said something about teenagers trying to be the odd ones out in situations, so this could count as some teen angst (even if it sounded stupid), right?

"Was that a joke you made, you?" Naruto exclaimed, completely off the mark but not any less surprised. Then added quickly to not seem genuine,  "Boy, was that lame."

Apparently, Naruto and only Naruto would decode it to be unimpressed by your appreciation for my unique sense of humor.

Which worked well too, really.

"Hn." Sasuke lied seriously.

Sakura's brows furrowed since she probably had the common sense to figure out that wasn't joke material.

To his horror though, the pinkette snorted. 

She gave him one of the wide, frankly unnecessarily commiserating grins that grannies used when they pat your head. And she didn't scoot closer like usual at all, in an I-understand-your-emotions way which made the icing on the cake.

It could only mean that she thought the Very Poised Uchiha Sasuke's Sense of Humor was that unique.

Sasuke hid under his high-collared shirt gracefully.

"Couldn't figure that one out." Sakura grinned.

"Great, since we're all over your brand of humor which I didn't catch," Kakashi clapped his palms together, "Likes? Dislikes? Hobbies?"

Sasuke grunted in annoyance, shaking his head. Damn Hypocritical Assassin.

"Are you following the Shinobi Rule, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura guessed, a far-away look on her face and fingers cradling chin, "Shinobi must never show emotions?"

Shinobi rules what.

Of all the rules legal murderers could have, they choose to turn kids into actual sociopaths? Why isn't he surprised?

The Uchiha shook his head again, this time curling his lip to transmit his disgust at the rule. At any rule this world had to offer, really.

"It sounds stupid." Naruto squinted, "No one's gonna follow that."

"Hn." Sasuke nodded in approval. The blonde had some redeeming qualities, after all.

"It doesn't. It's interesting that they say shinobi and not person," Sakura stated, with the far-away look which he was quickly figuring to be her thinking face, "As in missions need you level-headed?"

"Maa, Sakura-chan, you're one for the underneath of the underneath, aren't you?" Kakashi chuckled cheerfully, "That's important for a shinobi."

Naruto shot him a venomous glare that talked in length about how much he cared for Kakashi's life lessons after the stupid Black Cat excuses while Sakura's cheeks dusted with pink. She quickly narrowed her eye suspiciously at him too though.

Sasuke sighed contently. His stupid teammates were finally taking the reign.

Now, he could just kick back and relax with his likes and dislikes in the back burner.

"Whatever," Naruto waved his hands, "What're your hobbies, dattebayo?"

Or not.

Why was this stupid blonde so stuck up with hobbies?

He shook his head again with a frown.

"You like tomatoes!" Sakura said out of the blue.

Sasuke wracked his head if that was right. He liked spaghetti the best. But tomatoes were a close second? It was more like he got used to chewing on them with the Sasuke Uchiha of this world hoarding cartons of it.

"Hn." he agreed. Whatever to get out the line of questioning.

"And you always wear blue, so that too." Sakura smiled.

Just when Sasuke was about to nod for that too and get this situation over with, Naruto clapped a hand to his mouth, probably not liking the lack of attention, and whispered conspiratorially, "This like a game, dattebayo?"

Sakura looked like she desperately wanted to scream yes but was holding it in.

"Okay, things you don't like!" Naruto screamed. "I'll go first, dattebayo!"

Sasuke stared at him, a little disgruntled. To say that the blonde was showy would be an understatement. But it was working in his favor unlike the rope thing, and he didn't want enemy nin hands through his heart just because Naruto hated him, so he let it slide.

"Oranges?" Naruto asked. "Bananas?!"

What kind of monster wouldn't like oranges? Sasuke wanted to say but settled for a disappointed shake of his head.

It was more like the blonde was throwing suggestions at him to answer rather than guessing for himself.

"Why would you think Sasuke hates oranges, Naruto?" Sakura asked,  her curiosity successfully piqued.

"Ugh, they're orange and he likes red, dattebayo. Orange versus red, y'know." he answered, squinting and frowning to see why she didn't just, get it.

"I'm pretty sure I said blue, idiot." Sakura chided, hands-on-hips.

"Teme likes tomatoes. They're red." Naruto stated matter-of-factly.

Sakura shut her mouth when she realized that Naruto completely and utterly couldn't find any holes whatsoever in his logic. With his brainpower the thought process probably involved a lot of ramen and paint.

Sasuke was above this. He truly was. But that didn't stop him from scoffing.

Or trying to remain frozen from all the inward laughing.

Affronted, the Uzumaki jumped around on the roof like the crazy ninja kid he was and screamed,"YOU WANNA FIGHT, BASTARD?!" then gestured wildly with his fists.

Whatever world it was, though, much to his inner glee, a roof worked on the same principle. Sasuke suppressed a snort when the blonde tripped on his own feet and was on the verge of colliding with beautiful, orange roof-tiles when he cried Kage Bushin no Jutsu! in his panic.

A dozen clones popped into existence, all of them as stupid as their master, and ran around frantically, not knowing what to do in their collective existential crises. 

Their jonin instructor looked faintly impressed at the sheer number of clones Naruto called without breaking a sweat. Which Sasuke gauged against his own reserves and decided that his weren't too bad after all.

Two sensible clones gripped the blonde by his wrists and Naruto wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead.

"T-That was close, dattebayo..." Naruto sighed, dispelling the clones and sitting back down again, forgetting all about his need to punch things.

Sakura shifted around in her place, face as red as her qipao. The Uchiha was about to tap on her shoulder to politely suggest not making a fool out of herself (since her being red in the face usually involved him), but her gaze was set in stone on something else.

Anyone with lesser poise would find their mouth dropping open. Their sensei had been observing them with one lazy eye, opting to sit Naruto's stupidity out. What was wrong though, other than assassination being legal and people breathing fire, was that the man had a pretty-orange little book in his hands. A bright red circle with a  crossed-out eighteen stuck out of the gaudy cover.

Porn.

This government agent sent to train child soldiers was reading porn.

In front of thirteen-year-olds.

This....went beyond his understanding. Someone had to arrest him, surely?

Sasuke raised a shaky finger at his sensei.

The Uzumaki tilted his head as if questioning what his problem was.

"Hn." Sasuke said, index finger firmly pointing towards the Hatake.

''We're playing the game again?" Naruto asked, befuddled.

Before Sasuke could haul Naruto out of the roof and pretend he never knew someone of the name, Sakura gasped a soft Oh.

"Things you like; check, so those are things you dislike?" Sakura nudged, suddenly looking excited.

She wasn't right. But she wasn't wrong either. And they brought attention to the damn introductions anyway.

"Hn." he lied, even if first place on that list went to the guy who had the bright idea to call squiggly scribbles Japanese. He kept his face neutral while telepathically emitting waves towards the Hatake to shut his book before someone--most likely Naruto--asked some questions.

At this point, the man was just asking for the opportunity to give a thirteen-year-old The Talk.
 
Sasuke would rather not be alive for such embarrassment, thank you very much.

A voice sounding suspiciously like un-ninja common sense told him that he should have been worrying about having a pervert as a sensei to train him while he evaded senbons and other pointy things before worrying about The Talk.

 Common Sense had clearly not met his Older Cousin.

Thankfully the jonin shut his book and pocketed it, scanning the genin again.

"Societal standards say not liking your teacher's a bad thing, but nah," he waved a hand around, "I don't particularly care for first impressions, hm?''

Sasuke's eye twitched.

He pointed more aggressively at the book.

Although sensei wasn't wrong either.

"He was talkin' bout pervy books, Kaka-sensei," Naruto intoned, "Not you."

Kakashi raised a hand to feel the book in his pockets, eyes deeply pained and determinedly of the opinion that hating him was a-okay, but the book was sacred.

The Uchiha kept staring unimpressed back.

Even when he felt the hair in the back of his neck rise up.

There's no way assassin sensei would whip out kunai just because he didn't like a student, right? That's a waste of labor, right?

Finally, Kakashi got up, shaking his head. 

"You can say this is my hobby," he declared shamelessly, waving around the book. He dusted his flak jacket, possibly getting ready to go, before his eyes crinkled in an ominous smile, "Didn't share yours with the crowd though."

While pointedly looking at Naruto.

Damn this--

"Training Ground Three. Six' hours sharp. Oh, you better not eat anything for breakfast. You're just gonna hurl it all out." he sing-songed, already leaping across rooftops.

Naruto immediately got started on blasting the eardrums of anyone in their vicinity just as Kakashi was nothing but a speck of dust on the horizon. The blonde shook Sasuke by the shoulders like a ragdoll, screeching OI TEME HOBBIES wHat aRe your HOBBIES datteBAYO--

It was all that stupid Government Agent's fault--

Not only was he a pervert he was also a bastard with a sadistic streak. Anyone with two functioning brain cells would see that Sasu--Uchiha Sasuke didn't like speaking that little--

And what was this one's problem? Why was he so obsessed with hobbies?!

He glanced at the pinkette for assistance, but she was looking on with faint interest.

The Uchiha sighed long-sufferingly.

Then caught Naruto by the wrists and glared at him.

He shook out of Naruto's flimsy grip and before the blonde could do stupid things like asking for another fight, looked him straight in the eye--without the disgust this time--and shook his head, frowning. 

It was meant to show that no, he didn't have any hobbies and that Naruto should just drop it.

To his extreme confusion though, Naruto's face split into a wide grin.

"You don't have hobbies either, dattebayo!" Naruto beamed, "Just like Sakura-chan!"

"Yes...?" Sakura trailed off, debating whether she should smack him or keep listening for putting both her and the Uchiha in the same sentence. 

His next words would decide his fate.

"You guys can go painting with me!" Naruto grinned exuberantly but backed off a few steps.

Oh, this stupid Uzumaki did give people breathing space. Sasuke mentally noted.

Then he bobbed in his place slightly, examining the uchiha with big, watery, blue eyes.

Sometimes.

Sakura glanced at him from the corner of his eye.

"Paint what, Naruto?" Sakura giggled nervously.

"Uh, walls and stuff you know," Naruto replied, uncharacteristically subdued," A Team hobby?"

"That's silly, Sasuke-kun would neve--"

"Hn." Sasuke replied, turning his back on the other two.

One. Two. Three.

"What?!" she gasped, clapping a hand to her mouth. "D-Did you just..."

"Tch." he tsked, "Hn." he said, again nodding.

Then resumed his walk to the Uchiha Compound.

It was either spend free time moping around the haunted compound or chew on tomatoes. What reason would he have to decline? Sasuke rolled his eyes.

Naruto gave a squeak of surprise. The Uchiha had no idea why he would ask if he thought it wasn't happening.

"Then I'm...coming too..." the pinkette trailed off, surprised herself. Naruto turned to her with an even more confused face.

They watched his retreated back, bewildered.

"Uh, okay!" the blonde called, already on the path of recovery, "I'll tell you what to do tomorrow after uh, training!"

Sasuke raised a hand in aknowledgence, the other still in his pockets.

He couldn't figure out what the big deal was. Didn't ninja kids hang out with each other? Play shuriken-shuriken or something?

A light breeze blew across the rooftops, scattering the leaves remaining in the wake of his Shunshin. Kakashi skipped to his apartment, imagining little gremlins scampering around, defacing the Hokage Monument.

There was always the issue of Gai's team showing up for the cleaning missions coincidentally though. Don't want them acquainted with each other.

"I could always make them do the clean-up missions themselves!" he cheered heinously, hands-on doorknob. "How gracious of me."

Chapter Text

All three genin were relatively in good moods.

Naruto was pretending to be annoyed with the old drunkard while vibrating with energy--or considering it was Naruto there was the option that both options were valid. Sakura trudged on, slightly less snappish and infinitely less flirty, occupied by other things and Sasuke slouched behind all of them, warily checking his reflection in a puddle, but glad to get out of demon cat missions nevertheless.

It still didn't do anything to quell the shaking over Naruto talking down the president of the goddamn village though.

Or the shaking associated with "mission-nervousness" Sakura had been rambling about.

This was just an escort mission, of course. 

An escort mission with two missing-nin materializing from a fucking puddle, that is.

The actual legal assassin was dead dead dead and Sasuke's mind and Sharingan was whirling from what that meant.

Hydroman #1 saved Sasuke from thinking too much, his body moving only out of sheer habit and self-preservation while his heart hammered away in his chest. He landed a kick on #1's abdomen, swerving around to avoid a fist.

Absolutely frozen, Naruto sank into the floor even after the gash on his hand and Sasuke fought the urge to yell at him to get the hell away unlike Sakura who was standing between #2 and the old man.

Sakura moved foolishly quickly, shielding the bridge maker with her own body. Hydroman #2 lounged forward, snarling, and Sakura kept clutching on a pathetic kunai with a firm set of her jaw.

She succeeded in veering him to her left, pushing Tazuna back.

"NARUTO!" Sasuke screamed in the middle of evading a barrage of kunai when he distinctly realized that #1 had no business circling that way unless he wanted to take out Naruto to get to the stupid shady old man--

"KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"

More than fifty Narutos popped into existence, taking up every inch of space on the Hydroman #2's head. #1 shook himself out of the shock and kept going for the old man's neck when Sakura suddenly decided to swing her interests from Sasuke-kun!<3 to client like an idiot and--

Oh god, they were only thirteen-year-olds.

In one slow-motion to Sasuke's Sharingan, Kakashi caught #1 by an arm and slammed him to the ground. He picked him back up, elbowing Hydroman #2 in the face and skipping over to a tree trunk to tie them up.

Sasuke saw red.

He was one step away from shoving the jonin off some non-existent cliff when he said, "Naruto, sorry I didn't save you immediately. You wouldn't have gotten injured like that. Good job snapping out of it."

Naruto stared open-mouthed at the logs cut into fine pieces from the corner of his eye. K-Kawirami...he mouthed softly.

Sensei's alive! Sakura all but slumped down in relief.

The Uchiha scowled.

Jonin sensei or not, the guy was an asshole. He knew that, obviously, with how he made them clean up exactly the places they painted like he knew they were the ones responsible.

But this was on a whole different level.

"Sasuke, you..." he trailed off, "You have another tomoe. And you did great."

Sasuke blinked and touched the liquid dripping down his cheek gently. 

His hand came away red.

The world was of a particular clarity now, and his reserves--

Oh shit.

Sasuke deactivated his Sharingan in seconds, gauging his chakra reserves. It had taken up an unnatural amount of chakra for just ten minutes, so he had to assume that this tomoe was a Sharingan thing.

Mirror later.

"Anyway, good job. Sakura, you did great protecting the client. As for you, client-san," Kakashi let it hang in the air deliberately, firmly securing the ropes holding the Hydromen. "These look like Mist-Chunin. Shinobi known to not back off no matter what."

"What?!" Tazuna cried.

"No shit." Sasuke deadpanned quietly although it drove Sakura's eyebrows to raise.

"How did you know?" Hydroman #1, now Mist Chunin croaked.

"A puddle when it's so sunny out?" Kakashi raised a brow.

Sasuke wrinkled his nose momentarily because one, did he check his reflection on a person? That required a special place to tick against in wish list of crazy things I want to try before I die. And second, mist chunin could turn into water?

"They were water." Naruto squinted and retreated in his particular way of showing disgust.

Naruto made a face as if to say see if i go for swims ever again. Or it could have also been see if I ever drink anything other than ramen broth ever again since it was Naruto.

"I'll only trust ramen, dattebayo." Naruto said solemnly, cradling his injured hand.

And bingo.

"Hn." Sasuke agreed readily.

"Now, client-san," Kakashi changed the subject pointedly, "I could've killed them, but...why are two mist chunin after you when this is a C-rank?"

Tazuna gulped.

"This is a B-rank mission now. And I suppose you know that." he intoned very professionally.

"This country...Wave's doomed." Tazuna began, eyes shifting around, "They were probably hired by Gato, who doesn't want me building that bridge..."

"Gato?" Sakura spoke up, "The timber merchant?"

"We don't need to be here now." he finished, "You do realize that?"

"It's not all he has." the old man spoke quickly, "Shipping--Trade as a whole, you could say. He has the whole of Wave under his thumb. Collects taxes, takes people hostage--you know the rest. He absolutely can't have the bridge build since that would mean an incomplete monopoly of our business traffic. But so many people've already died, we--"

Oh no. Sasuke groaned, I know where this is going--

"--we didn't have the money. This bridge is our only hope."

Sasuke felt Sakura twitching from her place near him.

"You might have done that because of financial reasons, but this isn't in our mission parameters now." Kakashi continued firmly.

"What's that mean?" Naruto piped up, eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

"I-It means we're leaving." Sakura answered, then added hesitantly, "Right, Sensei?"

Kakashi nodded, "If that's what you want too. Naruto needs his medicine after all. The kunai was poisoned."

The person in question's head was cast downwards. He didn't look too happy to not be going back, but Sasuke didn't care; They were not doing this.

The blonde's stubborn gaze didn't leave the ground.

I don't wanna hinder the team, dattebayo! Naruto mentally slapped himsef, It can't always be me dragging things down and getting stuck rock-bottom!

Without any warning, Naruto grabbed a kunai from his holster and jammed it into the back of his palm. The kunoichi and Sasuke--gasped, horrified, while Tazuna seemed more disconcerted than anything.

It was the shinobi are crazy look he recognized from the mirror, but little did the man know this one was crazier than the rest.

Kakashi's one eye widened slightly, and he edged closer to the blonde.

Before he could try anything though, Naruto began talking.

"We can't give up on the mission, sensei." Naruto said with conviction, "With this kunai, I'm gonna kick Gato's ass, dattebayo. I swear on the Will of Fire."

Sasuke sighed long-sufferingly at his teammate, extended his hand at the kunai, midway between Naruto's legs and grunted, "Hn."

That's my cue, the pinkette shook her head.

"Kunais don't kick, Naruto." Sakura's palm met her forehead. "And are you a masochist? What were you thinking?!"

Naruto's sheepish grin crumbled when Kakashi smiled cheerfully sinister, "It's wonderful you're letting the poison out, Naruto-kun. But if you bleed anymore, you'll die."

The Uchiha watched as Sakura unpacked her med-kit smoothly and handed it over to Kakashi. 

Kakashi hummed a bit, eying the wound that was already closing up, fast. Sasuke pointed this out to their other teammate, exchanging curious glances. Naruto probably had one of those genetic mutations too.

Agent bandaged it up just to make a show of it.

Meanwhile, Sasuke spent his time hovering over Tazuna. 

"We don't have enough money even for a B-rank mission." Tazuna continued, taking a swig from his bottle, "If you leave me now, I...die."

Sakura's eyes softened. "Oh. We had a time in our family where things got hard..." she trailed off, "Merchandise doesn't sell sometimes, you see."

Dammit, she's down, Sasuke grimaced.

"But don't worry!" the old man laughed heartily, "If I die now only my cute eight-year-old grandson would cry for me! Only eight and finding his grandpa's body--you know, the usual!"

Kakashi visibly winced.

"And my daughter would probably spend her whole life hating leaf ninjas." he finished proudly as if he didn't just try to guilt-trip people into working for him, "But that won't be your fault!" he waved a hand around, "None at all!"

Sasuke had obviously expected such outlandish stupidity from Naruto. What he hadn't expected though, was how deep the Will of Fire thing went in other people.

"We can take you back to Wave Country at least, mhm?" Kakashi said, clapping his palms together.

His government spy of a sensei crinkled his eyes and had the gall to say, "Ah, what do you want to do for your first C-Rank turned B-rank? Stay here? Go back?" fully knowing that Naruto would sway all of their collective opinions in the span of seconds.

Anybody with less care for dignity would probably not fight the urge to tear their hair out.

Naruto fist-pumped the air and Sakura went for a less showy "...yes."

Sasuke shot Sakura a glare to tell her exactly how much of a traitor she was, but the pinkette shrugged (un)apologetically.

He flinched slightly when Kakashi took his back with Sakura flanking Tazuna's right and Naruto walking forwards.

Damn these stupid, self-righteous idiots, Sasuke rubbed the bridge of his nose, humming at the right places aggressively as he listened to Tazuna's stories of his stupider grandson.

Chapter Text

Meet Umino Iruka.

Chunin. Twenty-two years old. Academy instructor. Works two shifts at the Mission Desk on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Morning Seven to Afternoon One, Sunday through Friday was taken up by the academy. He goes to the grocer's and kicks back with a tub of ice cream on Sunday after his regular exercises.

The one sensible person in the village.

"Oi, teme!"

Subject Uzumaki Naruto was a hindrance and needed to be eliminated.

"What the hell are you doing following me around, bastard?!"

The Uchiha pocketed the notes he had been taking from the moment he heard Iruka-sensei be the sane person back at the Hokage Tower from their first C-rank.

A basket was shoved into the Uzumaki's chest and Sasuke dragged him closer to hide both of them behind the pole. He pressed his back to the wall and tightened his grip around the thrashing blonde. 

Sasuke then glared at the idiot Uzumaki, leaking his killing intent in gracious amounts.

"Wait, you're following Iruka-sensei?" Naruto raised his voice, leaking killing intent himself, albeit faint. It seemed that intent too had realized (like the fucking universe) that kill and Naruto didn't belong in one sentence.

I come with pure intentions, Sasuke raised his hands in surrender.

"Sure you're innocent, stalker." Naruto spat, but his traitorous eyes trailed down to the cookies in the basket anyway.

A stalker?! Sasuke bristled.

Just when he was about to throttle the blonde, a divine--tan! face peeked out from Sasuke's left, one elbow propped up on the pole. He looked down at the genin, mouth set in an amused smile.

"Hello, Sasuke-kun. I haven't seen you since graduation," Iruka sensei said, standing in all his bewitchi--scarred, Sasuke meant scarred, glory, "Did you need something from me?"

Huh. That assumption must be from all the stalki--information gathering he set out. 

Any other day Sasuke would have the criticism in stride-- masking chakra wasn't his forte yet. The more he knew about the ninja world, the more time he breathed on this planet.

But today's Sasuke was having a lot of difficulty computing things.

Uchiha Sasuke stared back at the encha--figure!, figure in front of him, wide-eyed. If he was in any way related to the Hydromen he was sure he would have melted into a big, happy puddle. He quickly schooled his expression into something less besotted and stared down at the ground.

"How have you been? Your new team?" Iruka smiled, and brushed a stray strand of his hair away, minutely flexing his fingers in the process and cheerfully oblivious to the jellied pudding that was currently the Last Uchiha in Existence (tm), "Naruto talks about you guys a lot, you know."

That broke Sasuke out of his reverie. He hissed at the heathen rubbing himself all over Iruka chanting ramennn ominously.

"Um." Sasuke said intelligently. "Uh," his basic cognitive abilities to hn eluding him.

He opted to hold out the basket of cookies instead of speaking, eyes suddenly interested in the toes of his sandals.

''Oo, homemade cookies?" Iruka beamed, "I can have one?"

Sasuke shook his head and pressed the whole basket to other's chest.

"E-Everything?" Iruka asked, surprise evident in his tone. Uchiha Sasuke was a sweet, obedient kid, really. He turned out well even while coping with something like...that. But this was a first. "I-I can't take that. There's a lot and--"

"Hn." Sasuke urged, I insist, using the Very Nice Uchiha genetics to widen his eyes for maximum effect.

"What for though? Is it your...birthday, Sasuke-kun?" Iruka enquired politely. Why else would he bring Iruka of all people a whole basket of cookies?

Sasuke shook his head.

God knew when Uchiha Sasuke's birthday was, but this Sasuke didn't care. He was talking. To Iruka-sensei.  

There was always karma biting him in the ass for never approaching sensei during the Academy. But here he was. Five feet away and not hiding.

"It's 'prolly because you're the bestest sensei ever, dattebayo! As thanks? " Naruto cheered, bored with all the niceties " And can I get some toooo?"

Sasuke shot a glare at the blonde discreetly while nodding along to the best sensei part. He wanted to be the one to say that. Even when he couldn't. Naruto had no business making Iruka laugh.

"Flattery's not getting you food, Naruto." Iruka rolled his eyes at Naruto's antics even with the rush of warmth in his chest. The Uchiha was such a cutie." And thanks for the cookies, Sasuke-kun. I'm sure they'll be delicious," he said, bringing his hand down to spiky black hair. It was always nice to know people didn't forget him.

Sasuke squeaked. And he didn't care for once because this was important. It was with very much difficulty that he stopped himself from letting his Sharingan record the movement, so stop squeaking? No.

The Chunin's arm jerked and he backed off a step.

'Oh, I'm sorry if that was uncomfortable." he said apologetically, touching the basket (Sasuke's basket oh my--), "I'll return the basket with Naruto?"

Sasuke gesticulated wildly-- wildly being shaking his head and waving his head because he cared about his dignity-- showing the chunin that he wasn't uncomfortable at all. Then he nodded begrudgingly, because. Naruto again.

"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto hollered, or whined, you can guess which, "You coming for ramen or not, dattebayo!"

"Wait a minute!" Iruka hollered back,(even his holler voice was smooth--), then turned to the Uchiha with a smile.

It would do good some good for this kid if he muscled up a bit, Iruka sighed. It might be his body composition, but the Uchiha was too lean for his liking.

"Do you want to join us, Sasuke-kun? I can treat you to ramen as thanks for the cookies."

Sasuke's thought processes all but shut down. He blinked owlishly for two seconds before comprehending what was going on.

It wasn't a date obviously, Iruka was divin--too old and that would be all pedophilia (he won't care oh my go--) but he was going to be on a stool, side by side, shoulders touching with--

"He's not invited!" the idiotic blonde screamed from a mile away, his hearing on supernatural levels, "I didn't get cookies!"

Or not.

Sasuke resisted the urge to possibly, casually, poison some tea and calmed himself. Then grunted a mild "Hn" at the basket to show that Naruto could, in fact, have cookies from the third batch to the left (the burnt ones) since he had to appear the bigger person in front of Iruka.

"Naruto. You're being rude." Iruka frowned. He didn't want the kid shutting them down just because Naruto was insensitive. Then turned to Sasuke again, apologetic, "Don't mind him. He's an idiot. Are you coming?"

Sasuke glanced at familiar pink from the corner of his eye, ignoring Naruto indignant cries of I'm so not! Was just kidding, geez!, suddenly aware of how he couldn't communicate with Iruka at all.

If this wasn't a reason to learn Japanese, he didn't know what was. But there were subtitles and this stupid language was insanely squiggly--

"Hn." Sasuke bit out sloppily, gesturing the Academy Instructor to go ahead first and that he'd follow, "Hn," he added only because of the excitement.

Then rushed out of his position pressed against the wall to catch up to a red qipao in the distance.

He grabbed onto Sakura's wrist frantically, entirely forgetting that she was a trained soldier and could probably slam a kunai into his jugular if he twisted her forwards without warning.

Fortunately, though, the pinkette only looked faintly confused.

"S-Sasuke-kun?" she began, confusion clear on her face "Weren't you talking to Iruka-sensei and Naruto?"

There was never any reason for Sasuke of all people to look so disheveled.

"Hn" he nodded, then jabbed his thumb at the other two, "Ramen."

Sakura narrowed her eyes into her thinking face and said, "You're inviting me?"

"Hn." Sasuke nodded again.

"...just like that?" Sakura's brows furrowed. It wasn't that she had a problem with it but...it just sounded too good to be true. Then she quickly giggled, "I mean, I don't mean you're inviting me because you want something, but just, um, why? We already had lunch as a team."

He shook his head in exasperation.

Underneath the underneath now of all times?!

There was Iruka-sensei on the line.

Sasuke pointed inconspicuously at Iruka who waved back --as if it explained everything.

The pinkette tilted her head and Sasuke felt the urge to bash his head against a wall. 

Why did he think this was a good idea in the first place? 

Oh yes. 

He just wanted some emotional support. Just somebody that would pick him up if he fainted (not that he would, mind you) without attempting to ditch him in some sewer for a "prank". Somebody without N's and O's in their name. 

Was it too much to ask for?

Sakura shook her head, then shrugged. "I don't understand but...you invited me, I guess."

Sometimes it was like that with Sasuke. At least she would know more if she tagged along. Besides, curfew was at eight anyway.

"Ah, young love." Iruka chuckled from afar, waiting for the Uchiha to come back. ''It's great they're warming up to each other.''

Omake:

[After Ramen]

As he watched the man's retreating back, Sasuke all but slumped down on the ground. He wasn't sure if his body was made of solids at this point.

Maybe this is how Mist Chunin bodies worked, a small, childish voice in the back of his throat provided and Sasuke giggled like a schoolgirl.

"Sasuke-kun?" a silky voice quipped.

Sasuke raised his head to meet green eyes.

"You like him." Sakura said matter-of-factly, a sly grin making it's way to her face.

The Uchiha wanted to squeal in protest. This was blasphemy! Uchiha Sasuke didn't like people publicly! And Iruka wasn't a person that just, needed to be liked. (He was divine, the ground he walked on needed to be exhibited--Shut up) She obviously had good tastes considering she liked him, then why didn't she see it too?

Sasuke's cheeks puffed out in indignation, but it was right as he was about to discourse about how that wasn't right, and how Iruka was the only person in this stupid world who had a semblance of sanity that he realized that at some point somebody had blown a katon jutsu to his face. 

Oh shit no his face was heating up--

"I knew it!" Sakura cheered, devilishly smirking. If she had any less dignit--screw dignity, she was already rubbing her hands together.

Sasuke hissed at her to shut the hell up.

The pinkette sobered considerably, but the grin was still on her face.

"You wanted me here to talk to him." she clapped her hands softly.

"Hn...?" Sasuke's brows furrowed. What was she getting at?

"Nothing, nothing" she waved, "I won't tell Naruto!"

"You better not." Sasuke mouthed dangerously against her back.

This was a horrible day and he hated his teammates. Sans Iruka. Sans the ramen. Sans Naruto's kind-of-sort-of funny jokes. Sans the emotional support.

Haruno Sakura walked her way home through the now-dark streets, considerably pleased and faintly humming a soap opera tune. She knew she'd figured it out if she stuck around. They were terrible prospects for her love life, sure, but it's not like Iruka sensei would date Sasuke.

Her thoughts flitted over to Sasuke spilling his broth on his trousers just because Iruka-sensei fixed his way of holding chopsticks with his own.

Maybe in ten more years, Sasuke-kun, she giggled.

Sakura Haruno was nothing if not persistent. But that didn't mean she couldn't support a team-mate.

In another corner of the village, a very pissed off Uzumaki Naruto herded his sensei into his apartment.

"You wanna spend the night, Naruto?" his angel of a sensei asked, still munching on the dango.

With a quick sweep of the neighborhood, Naruto stopped squinting for any blue-collared perverts in the vicinity and huffed.

"Sure, Iruka-sensei!" he intoned faux-cheerily, practically skipping to the small two-room apartment.

Nobody, and absolutely nobody was corrupting his pure teacher's innocence, The Future Hokage Naruto Uzumaki (tm) swore solemnly.

Chapter Text

A thickness had hung in the air in the forests closer to Tanzaku Gai, the traces of rain clinging to it even weeks later. The damp emerald dotting the clearing they trotted through was a sharp contrast to the other forest's cacophony of colors. It was a shortcut mostly shinobi preferred instead of the winding roads leading to the borders of the Land of Fire.

And somewhere beyond the clearing in question, Madam Shijimi's sister Madam Nanajimi sipped on her fancy tea, awaiting a Very Important Scroll (most likely something about the Hell Cat's newest exploits involving Jonin level shinobi crying)

Like Kumo hollered Mountains and Iwa grunted dry rocks, Konoha screamed forests in your face. Any local could crawl into a tree and take up perimeter scouring with some perfectly angled bushes and branches.

Anyway, the point was, anybody who grew up in Konoha--shinobi or not could tell death caps from shiitake--drugged, bloody, bruised, or all of the above. Camping was a necessity in civilians as opposed to a jolly family tradition and crazy shinobi sniffing my nice, honest blue berries for poison wasn't uncommon.

This is exactly why Naruto was doubled over, emptying the contents of his stomach on the forest floor.

"Naruto...are you okay?" Kakashi inquired mildly, more incredulous than worried and crystal-clear undertones of how standing out in his tone.

Sasuke had grown up in a nice street in a nice palace with no flying ninja children. Which is why he would fully like to blame Kakashi for tasking him with gathering food.

(And if he hid his lack of um...knowledge and decided that he had eaten enough shiitake in his life to know how one looked like fearing suspicion then that's his paranoia to deal with and nobody else's business)

(Except Naruto's. Who dug into the mushrooms without any questions whatsoever.)

"He doesn't ...look okay," Sakura commented, wincing at the new batch of goo that vaguely resembled ramen and patting the blonde's back like the good teammate she was. Unlike certain other people.

I didn't poison the idiot! Sasuke grunted defensively, "Hn." as if reading her thoughts, in the process of turning all of their medi-kits upside down to find anything that would stop the retching.

Kakashi sighed and tucked his lowered book into his flak-jacket pocket.

"Maa, let's camp for today. The sun's setting and with Naruto..." he ran a hand his hair, eye scanning the reddening sky, "...like this, we won't reach by nightfall to the nearest inn anyway."

Sasuke shook his head vehemently in protest. 

Share a tent with a guy carrying around porn publicly? Nope.

He knew he would have to camp with the agent someday, obviously. But he did not want today to be that day. 

There were all crazies he'd go to survive, but he'd rather drag his team sans teacher and himself up mountains before that situation came to be.

"W-What's your problem, basta--arrrffff--" Naruto tried and failed miserably when another round of goo hit the ground.

Sasuke winced as Naruto spit out a whole ass egg. What the hell was this stupid blonde eating?

Other than poisonous mushrooms, un-ninja-like common sense acting as Guilt for the time being supplied.

Guilt clawed at Sasuke's stomach, then squeezed and coiled it's icy fingers around it. 

"Sasuke-kun, we need to set up the tent so Naruto can sleep," Sakura said, now drawing circles on a whimpering Naruto's back. On second thought it's more like an indigant Naruto's back, and gee, Sasuke wonders where that anger is directed at.

"The mushrooms weren't poisonous," she paused, using The Miracle Voice that persuaded slash guilt-tripped Kakashi from Maa.. it's not dangerous the stomach ache will stop to putting his Icha Icha away, "But Naruto got sick."

Imagine what could have happened if anyone of us wolfed it down, she's trying to say.

Sasuke gulped, guilt now waving at him somewhere near his pancreas.

No, a ninja doesn't have morals. 

"Sure, I get you not wanting to camp outside, Sasuke," Kakashi pitched in, "But Naruto, as you can see, can't make it to the nearest inn."

"Tch." Sasuke said, conveying his thoughts about the matter maturely and perfectly.

"Or..." Kakashi pretended to think, "You can carry him."

"Hn." he replied cuttingly. He knew this agent's game. He's hoping that Naruto would barf all over him so he can catch him changing out of his T-shirt obviously.

Okay, Sasuke admits that might be going too far, but according to the agent himself, It's not paranoid if you're going to be right.

Naruto seemed to brighten up at the suggestion that they would be reaching the inn though, and he spread his arms widely, smiling ominously.

He took one step forward, and Sasuke registered somewhere in the back of his mind that the backdrop was dark, inching closer to six? seven? and only getting darker.

Sasuke frowned, inching away, but there was a palm on his back and Sakura's eerie whispering.

"I'll lend you my clothes."

With that Naruto ambushed him from behind, his hands around Sasuke's neck.

"HN!" he tried shrugging the orange creature off, tearing at an orange jumpsuit, snarling at his other two traitorous team-mates. They were trying to pretend that this wasn't an obvious ploy to force him into camping!

"You gotta camp now, dattebayo!" Naruto screeched from on top of him.

Okay, everybody but Naruto tried to pretend.

"Hn." Sasuke said, valiantly standing his ground. He stopped struggling and crossed his arms. "Hn."

"What's your prob--" Naruto was cut off by his own choking. Sasuke rolled his eyes at the blonde's antics.

"You don't have to go that far, idiot." Sakura huffed, and Sasuke huffed with her. Did the Uzumaki take him for a joke? Of course, he wasn't falling for tha---

"Sakura-chan no--urrghhh"

There was a moment of silence.

The Uchiha blinked at Kakashi's book hitting the forest floor with a thud.

Then he slowly, slowly turned his face towards his shoulder.

There was vague worm-shaped noodle goo.

Sasuke screamed.

"Maa, that was one way of doing things." Kakashi sniffed, still dusting his book.

Sakura shot a poisonous glare at their sensei which Sasuke mirrored on his own face.

"Hehe Sakura-chan, you're the one who told him you'll give him clothes, dattebayo!" Naruto laughed for the thousandth time, pointing at the Uchiha who was huddled near their small campfire in a bright, comfy red qipao, contemplating murder. "You're so girly!"

His grin crumbled when Sakura shot him a look too, this time with her fists raised.

Naruto shriveled into a corner under her glare, contradictorily infinite terms better physically and pretty okay mentally, in his opinion. Especially with Sasuke-bastard in girly qipaos.

It didn't look that bad though. Maybe he could ask the Sakura-chan to lend it to him too sometime. Judging by the bastard's face, he was probably thinking the same thing.

"Was it a good idea throwing you um..." Sakura began, a little distressed, "clan clothes away, Sasuke-kun?"

Sasuke scowled at her as if to say do you want me to carry around that shit? 

"N-No, I didn't mean it like that!" she quickly said, "But we could have cleaned it!"

"Hey guys," Naruto pitched in, squinting at the dark figure behind Kakashi, "That thing isn't supposed to be there, is it?"

The fire crackled between them as Sasuke and Sakura frowned at their blonde teammate.

"What do you--"

A clap interrupted their conversation.

One eye crinkling, Kakashi brought two fingers up to the left, and one behind.

When the genin stared back at him, he sighed and bit his thumb for a summon.

"I'll take the left. Engage with the one behind me, hm?" he said, after a puff of smoke revealed a wrinkled, tired-looking pug, "Pakkun will help."

The pug, Pakkun tilted his head, sinisterly reminiscent of his owner, and walked slow steps towards the silhouette behind the trees. When he realized that none of the genin were still following him, he looked behind and sighed.

"What is it, brats?" he drawled, one eye trained on the shifting figure, "Aren't we moving?"

"Sasuke's wearing a qiapo." Sakura informed importantly, not explaining things at all.

"I see." The pug nodded in turn, not seeing at all, "Now move out. Follow me."

"Hn." Sasuke said disapprovingly, flicking a wrist at the other two regally. He wasn't going to face missing-nin in qiapos that accentuated some...other healthy regions without shorts on. Uchiha had dignity. Standards. Hopefully. (if history books said otherwise this Uchiha does.)

"You scared of pretty clothes?" Naruto scoffed.

"Will you be okay by yourself, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura enquired at the same time.

Startled, the two genin glared at each other (one-sidedly with Naruto swooning).

"Help the brat then." Pakkun sighed long-sufferingly, "brat" in question being Kakashi.

"Wait." Naruto squinted, horror rising in his face, "You want to stay with Kaka-sensei, bastard?!"

"You're wearing the qipao and helping Kakashi sensei?!" he prodded further, probably to be annoying.

"Hn." Sasuke nodded, choosing to dignify the stupid blonde's question with a response, digging around his pack for his white trousers. He was half-way in the left leg of his trousers when he noticed Naruto bringing two fingers to his own eyes and then Sasuke's with an exaggerated motion of I'm watching you from a few meters away where Pakkun and orange-clad clones were engaging with the bandit.

Right eye twitching, Sasuke's eyes flashed red, and he read the blonde's lips reluctantly, fearing what stupidity would hit him next.

Stay away from Kaka-sensei, he seemed to say, and Sasuke frowned. Did he read the subtitles wrong? The letters were smaller the farther he was so it had to be that, right?

He shrugged,  dodging a stray shuriken from one of the bandits. Kakashi had already tied up his share on one of the pine trees and was trotting blithely towards the others.

God knew what these weirdos had in their heads.

The fire spat and frizzled embers, and Kakashi supplied it with another twig. He would put it out, later, when the kids had would be lulled into heavier sleep, but now they needed all the warmth they could get.

He leaned on one of the tree trunks, trusted book in hand, and was just about to reach the part where Hiroshi confessed his never-ending love for Kiyoko followed by some Very Nice (but sadly unrealistic) things involving honey when Naruto shot up from his place in the tent.

For one horrifying moment, Kakashi assumed that he was having a nightmare and panicked how he could tell kids to just, get over it, but Naruto quickly snuffed that possibility by squinting and twirling his head left and right furtively.

The kid needs some lessons in stealth. Only the Gods knew how he got away vandalizing the Hokage Tower from the ANBU.

Naruto got up on all fours, carefully avoiding the snoring pinkette and cuddly Uchiha, and made way to where Kakashi was seated, crawling out of the tent.

He glanced inconspicuously to the left and right again like some bad spy movie, before turning earnest, blue eyes towards the Hatake.

"Kakashi-sensei, I've got a question, dattebayo." Naruto began solemnly.

"Yes, Naruto?"

Kakashi swore if it was another question about the massacre, and in a place where he couldn't even shushin away to not deal with the repercussions then--

he'd have to retreat to the trees.

Talking things out was for other, well-adjusted people who don't forget to do their dishes. None of Kakashi's business, thank you very much.

"Can a guy like two guys?" the blonde asked, one finger on his chin, "I mean, sure, everyone can like everyone dattebayo, but is it, like, normal liking two guys at a time?"

Kakashi blinked.

"What," he stated very level-headedly, tackling Naruto's question like an adult.

"W-Who are you talking about, Naru--"

"Sensei!" Naruto hissed, scandalized, "You gotta  give me privatic!"

"Privacy, you mean." Kakashi pointed out automatically to which Naruto nodded sagely with a uh yeah that.

"We were in his room all huddled together and I asked him 'bout I--uh, first guy," Naruto continued, face darkening, "and ew he goes all red and how can she giggle?! That's ew. And now the bastard obviously likes someone else and he makes all the lovey-dovey eyes and jumps when this Ka-uhh-second guy's all close and it's stupid." 

Kakashi swallowed the sudden dryness of his throat away.

"I-In his room, you say?"

"Yeah, yeah, bedroom and the bed's so big, dattebayo! I was rolling around after we all got knocked out after stretchin'--but that's not the point!" Naruto cried with an alarming uproar, suddenly aware of his purpose, "So can a guy like two guys? Is he cheatin' on I--uhh, guy one?! He even dressed up in short-short girl clothes for the second one and always jumps around y--him when he was so making bedroom eyes at Ir--first one!"

Kakashi balanced himself on the tree trunk with the hand that previously held the promptly pocketed Icha-Icha, his other hand wiping frantically at the beads of sweat gathering in his brow.

"Isn't he such a cheat?!" Naruto scowled, arms crossed.

"N-No Naruto, I think it's fine if they have an agreement." Kakashi croaked out, still sweating through his mask, "Y-You have to sleep."

Naruto cast his gaze towards the ground, which was quickly becoming his thinking angle--if he ever thought at all, and nodded sagely again.

"I don't approve him doing that, yknow bu--"

"You?" Kakashi cried quietly, bemoaning of what's become of cute little thirteen-year olds skipping around in the grass.

"Uh yeah? Me?" Naruto confirmed, confusion marring his features for a moment before deciding it wasn't worth thinking about, "Yeah anyway, don't approve it, but I guess it's fine if we all talk, dattebayo."

"So g'night, Kaka-sensei, guess I'm getting some sleep after all!" Naruto grinned, and made his way to the tent, "accidentally" stepping on the Uchiha's split ends and earning himself a well-deserved groggy jab in the balls of his foot.

The blonde's indignant squeaks died down when their female teammate turned her back towards the noise and snored a little too loudly for it to be anything other than a threat.

Perched on top of a branch, Kakashi solemnly swore to tail the kids to whoever's house sometime.

The situation was so dire that his nose actually listened to him, and didn't bleed even when his brain had added bedrooms and three people together (other than the glaring reason that they were thirteen-year-old including his sensei's son oh god)

He only had himself to blame, obviously, waving around Icha-Icha around thirteen-year-olds, he decided, dabbing at another trickle of cold sweat. He needed to protect the kid's innocence somehow.

Questions. First Sakura and now Naruto. Who the hell signed him up for dealing with tiny creatures?

Chapter Text

Sasuke was a man with a mission today.

Narrowing his eyes at the offending library sign, he tugged on his baseball cap brought purely for undercover missions. 

He could do this.

"Sasuke-kun!" a high-pitched squeal echoed through the nearby vicinity, scaring off a few crows from their respective roofs.

Or not.

Yamanaka Ino swayed her hips towards the library, the picture of grace. She waved off the Very Graceful Birds chirping (or rather cawing in this case) around her figure with one perfect flick of her hand, reminding Sasuke of what Disney Princesses did, albeit with doves and not black abominations.

Besides, he was a man on a mission.

"What are you doing here?" the Yamanaka asked, batting her lashes, to a person with one hand on the handle of a library door.

Sasuke immediately judged her and leveled her with an unimpressed stare.

This didn't deter the Yamanaka with nerves of steel and iron; she delved into further coyness.

"Want to..." she drew out, "go together?"

"Hn." Sasuke turned her down flatly.

One part (very healthy thank you very much) Paranoia told him that genin shuffling for alphabet books would be the peak of suspicion. Two Parts Dignity didn't want Rookie of the Year illiterate.

"But Sasuke-kun," Ino faked pouted, already inching closer.

Sasuke politely bowed at her and raised his hand in a faint wave before disappearing into the library. 

He might have slammed the library door behind him a little too hastily.

The library was a cramped paper town with short bookshelves-- more turns and sharp corners than the wide space you'd expect it to be from the outside. Sasuke shoved his hands in his pockets and tried to look nonchalant, eyes only flitting through every book.

Then took a right, deeper into the library, away from the librarian-- didn't want the bookkeeper to think what a dignified ninja kid was doing with a coloring book, after all (Sometimes he thought he was better at this ninja paranoia business than these actual ninjas who killed for money, pfft.)

A blur of blue and orange whirred past Sasuke, startling him out of his book-hunt.

An orange collar twisted forwards and blue eyes curved in a leer.

"What--are--you--doing--here--" Naruto sing-songed, "Sasuke-kun?"

What's with these fools and the extensive Sasuke-kun's today?  Sasuke mentally frowned. Outwardly, he was trying very hard to keep himself from knocking the brat with the blue scarf on the head. He was some sort of minion-slash-extension to Naruto, annoyingly sniggering and probably equally Naruto-level-stupid.

"Hn?' Sasuke tsked, picking up a random book to shoo off the Idiot Uzumaki. The bright orange covers looked faintly familiar, but he associated that with all the overexposure to orange nowadays.

"Ohoho boss," minion squealed, one hand covering his mouth, "Your friend's got good taste, kore."

Kore? Another tic that made Japanese look stupid?

Sasuke turned a page of the book disinterestedly. There were no illustrations so maybe if he checked the cover pag--

Oh god.

A very, very unnecessary, probably very red heat came over his cheeks, observing a drawing of a bland man chasing a bland woman across what seemed to be the meadows. Perfectly okay.

The problem was the same thing being in a certain pervert's hands.

(also the crossed off eighteen. and the very graphic illustration on the second page when you turned the cover--why the hell are they letting thirteen-year-olds into this section?!)

"Wanna hang out with us lookin' for better books with pictures, dattebayo?" Naruto leered, looking entirely too pleased with himself.

Smoke blew out of the Uchiha's now-pinkened ears, and he threw the stupid book squarely at Naruto's face.

Such disgrace.

"Oi! You didn't gotta do that, dattebayo!" Naruto yelled, affronted, "I don't care what you like, bastard, we handle Kaka-sensei fine eno--"

Sasuke threw another book at the idiot's chest, then another and another until Minion started chasing off the orange horrors from his boss's super cool suit, kore!

"Hn." Sasuke huffed pointedly before turning on his heels.

And behind him, loomed the buff librarian who looked ridiculous in tiny reading glasses. The man tapped his left palm with something resembling a weird-very much used-broken broom.

And they're on the streets, lying in a kiddy-heap.

Sasuke sighed and bared his teeth at the blonde, showing him exactly how unimpressed he was with the whole thing. So much for rookie of the year dignity.

He should have taken up the Yamanka's offer to go together.

"That guy's a jerk, kore" Minion hmph-ed, crossing his arms.

Sasuke had to concede. 

But it was reassuring that there were some 18+ laws around here.

"Stupid knocker-boxer-man," Naruto grumbled unintelligently, dusting his jacket. 

The nickname didn't make sense and Sasuke had questions but... he wasn't sure he had the mental fortitude to hear answers.

"Hey, hey, Sasuke-kun," the blonde tapped at his shoulders aggressively, and Sasuke scowled, trying to shove him off.

"Naruto didn't give up though, and he smiled sickly-sweet and foreboding, "We can get you Kaka-sensei's copy, datteb--"

A fist dropped on the blonde's dumb head.

"Ow!" he cried, "What the hell--"

"Grr." Sasuke snarled in warning.

Like the questionably sane person Uzumaki Naruto was, he grumbled and complained for exactly five seconds before his eyes fell on something else, lightening his fickle moods considerably.

The object in question is some sort of bucket Minion carried along--some painting job since he was an orphan? Minion seemed to be helping out.

Which... was nice of him.

Or he was another orphan sharing the work.

Only Uzumaki Naruto would brighten up at the prospects of manual labor, Sasuke rolled his eyes.

Sasuke pointed at the bucket.

The Uchiha had a whole compound to themselves. He probably wouldn't be running out of money any time soon. Not to say his finances managed themselves, but the Sandaime took care of the electricity and food bills if it was used wisely enough--and this Uchiha Sasuke didn't have much to spend on, obviously.

A thirteen-year-old painting for food was just sad, even if said thirteen year old was an insufferable loud mouthed-brat.

"Oh, we're going painting, dattebayo!"

Yes, obviously you're going painting if there's a bucket of paint.

Sasuke stared.

"So you wanna come?" Naruto bobbed up and down, again, weirdly excited at manual labor. ''We couldn't plan or anything after training 'cause the old geezer sensei--''

"..Hn--" Sasuke nodded his head when--

Yamanaka Ino gracefully placed a hand on the shoulder of the orange jumpsuit.

"Sasuke-kun." she announced her presence.

"That's boss, lady!" Minion screeched, "Uzumaki Naruto, kore!" 

"Yeah, yeah, sure." Ino waved a hand in the air, then turned to the boss in question, "Naruto, I want to paint too."

Naruto squinted suspiciously, sizing up the purple-clad blonde.

"What'd you want, Blondie? Sakura-chan ain't with us today, dattebayo." he said, dipping a finger in pink paint to illustrate whatever weird point he was trying to make.

"You say blondie like it's a bad thing for a person whose blond himself Naruto-kun," Ino snorted sweetly, then added, "I don't care if Forehead's not coming."

The Uzumaki stared for one more second, mouthing something about a rival, aren't you? then shrugged as if thinking took too much of his brainpower.

"Follow me then, dattebayo." Naruto said slowly, grabbing the buckets of paint and turning on his heel. He kept squinting at the Yamanaka behind his shoulder when he thought she wasn't looking.

Sasuke sighed.

He sure signed himself up for a freak show.

Ichiraku Ramen, Sasuke observed as they passed by, had gold-rimmed crimson banners hung in front of it, announcing some competition of some sort. Naruto sent it a longing a look. 

Sasuke did feel worse about the poor kid's financial situation then.

Which was nicely stomped on when Ayame waved, laughing, "Sure you can be ramen king when you ate two bowls an hour ago, Naruto?"

The ramen shop owner was a nice person from all the discounts poor, lonely, orphaned Uchiha Sasuke who watched his family get massacred (or at least that's what the mob-looking guys in the background whispered about importantly in the beginning) was getting.

 It wasn't a surprise they'd extend the same hospitality to another orphan.

"Boss can take two more and the contest later at night, idiot!" Minion shouted, pulling at his lower eyelashes and making a face.

Ayame raised a fist and shouted back in good cheer, "Someday you'll be back here for ramen, Konohamaru!"

Minion, now Konohamaru stuck his tongue out cheekily.

To Sasuke's surprise, the brat was quickly knocked on the head by none other than his boss.

He swallowed his jealousy at that deliciously loud smack.

"S'ry 'bout that, Ayame-nii! He's a brat!" Naruto of all people apologized, ducking his head.

The brat could be polite, Sasuke supposed.

"I can take the ramen though, maybe you should watch your weight, dattebayo." Naruto mumbled, then whistled, and scampered away with all his ninja speed before Ayame could catch up to him with a broom.

Nope. In no chance in hell was Uzumaki being polite.

Both Ino and Sasuke cringed, backing away from the soon-to-be-massacre site.

A previously grumbling Konohamaru barked out a laugh at that.

His yelp a second later was in tandem with Ayame's ladle hitting him squarely on the jaw.

"Oops! Didn't think I could hit a ninja, Honorary Grandson-san!" Ayame hollered, winking.

Instead of flinging a stone back though, Konohamar .picked up the ladle from the ground and cackled again like the crazy maniac he was.

Ayame laughed along and caught the ladle Naruto threw back at her, offense apparently forgotten.

Crazy ninja world civilians, Sasuke rolled his eyes with a small smirk.

Ino, who had been uncharacteristically quiet all this time, glanced at Sasuke nodding sagely from the corner of her eyes.

"You guys are a horrible team, huh." she commented off-handly as if talking about the weather.

And on cue, Naruto whirled his head around, squinting.

"What'd you mean, blondie?" Naruto questioned, squint unraveling into a frown.

"That's Ino to you," Ino tsked, rolling her eyes, "And I meant what I said, duh."

"What the hell d'you know 'bout our team, huh?" Naruto glared, narrowing his eyes on the Yamanaka.

And Sasuke had to agree, he himself letting his eyes narrow.

Like a faithful lackey, Konohamaru got the paint buckets out of his hands before Naruto did something stupid like fling it across the other blonde.

"Enough to show me you don't hang out as one, blondie." Ino sneered with way too many pearly teeth.

"Are not! I was gonna call Sakura-chan!" Naruto lied, offended, "I said that 'cause I didn't want you here, dattebayo!"

"Are too." Ino shrugged non-committedly. "Forehead's house's that way though."

"You--" Naruto ground out, but thought better of it after squinting for a moment, and mumbling something about her being Sakura-chan's rival, dattebayo! i cant hit her! "I'll show you! Konohamaru! Race! To Sakura-chan's!"

All of them turned their backs to the Hokage Mountain, heading to their pink-haired teammate's house.

Sasuke had no idea why Yamanaka Ino wanted Sakura here. This rival business was stupid.

What he had hoped to do two weeks ago, since he had become a ninja and killing machine, was to get into a bar for his first whiff of alcohol, but what had actually happened was Uchiha Sasuke pulling his hair out with dignity, running for his life from a whirl of green spandexes yelling about YOUTh! and eTerNal RiVals! 

(Also, senbon man said Old Enought To Kill, Old Enough To Drink wasn't medically accurate or something. Damn those stupid edgy novels.)

Anyway, point being rivals.

Who knew when Naruto would backstab him springing a rival! (Sasuke shuddered at the tone) influenced by all this nonsense? 

Tugging on his cap, Sasuke sighed, keeping an impassive face and trudging onwards towards the Haruno's trying to mimic Ino's grace.

None of them noticed Ino's pleased smirks or have the presence of mind to enquire where her team was except Konohamaru who promptly zipped his lips at a dirty look shot his way.

Chapter Text

A knock on her window distracted Sakura from painting her nails.

Eyebrows furrowing, the pinkette opened it to find none other than Naruto perched on her rooftop.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto called excitedly, waving at her with a bucket in either hand. "We're going painting!"

Beyond the gates of her house, Sakura's gaze zeroed in on Ino-pig chatting animatedly with Sasuke and a boy bundled in a blue scarf carrying around buckets.

Naruto suppressed an involuntary shudder at her reaction, grinning weakly.

"Give me a second," she mumbled, still glaring and slamming the window shut.

Exactly five minutes involving munching on toast for makeshift lunch later, Haruno Sakura walked out of her door in a black jumpsuit and hair pinned up in a low bun with a crimson baseball cap.

"Copying Sasuke-kun, Forehead?" Ino sneered, hands-on-hips, "Red isn't your color."

Sasuke startled out of his reverie at the sudden lack of grace.

The pinkette was about to swing her fist when she noticed that there was a kid right here, staring at them with wide eyes and cleared her throat.

"Had to learn something from the copy-nin, pig," Sakura ground her teeth, smiling sweetly, "How about we go paint now?"

The walk to the Hokage Mountain was an arduous journey for Naruto, with that bastard side stepping from his own path right onto Naruto's and throwing dirty looks at the girls for attempted murder by choking.

Even Konohamaru got out of the way, sending wary glances at the killing intent two respectable genin were leaking.

They reached the Hokage Mountain fairly quickly this time--with Ino and Sakura racing against each other to see who'd hold Sasuke's hand and the Uchiha running for his life.

Sasuke sighed, leaning against the underside of the Sandaime's beard. 

He was only doing this helping orphans out thing for good karma. How was he supposed to know it would backfire spectacularly?

Thirteen-year-olds chasing him around was the definition of disgrace, Sasukehuffed, taking a deep breath and giving way to a marching pinkette.

Sakura inspected the scene, attention momentarily tearing away from Ino, and took in the cracks and earth of the mountain before speaking.

"What are we... doing here?"

Konohamaru waved around his buckets of paint.

"You stupid, lady?" he grinned cheekily like the brat he was, "We're painting, kore!"

"What'd you say, brat?" Sakura growled, "And we're painting on the Hokage Monument?!"

"What?" Ino taunted, settling into place right behind her, "You thought it was a mission?"

Sakura flushed slightly but opted to say nothing.

"We can't do this!" she cleared her throat, "This is vandalism!"

Sasuke stared at the genin.

So this wasn't some painting job for Naruto?

Sakura's twitching lips and exuberant shifting around betrayed her though.

"Please Sakura-chan!" Naruto pleaded, and it was all it took for the pinkette to take her own brush out of her pack, dipping it in bright blue paint.

Anyone with less dignity would have slumped down to the ground, but Sasuke managed to stay on his knees shakily.

"Just this once, Naruto." Sakura huffed, but grinning slightly, "I'll blame it on you if the ANBU come for us though."

You aren't getting good karma out of this either, sucker, the second face on the monument with facial markings seemed to say, smug.

By everything holy, he was being bullied by thirteen-year-olds just because.

The wall had never looked so attractive to bang his head against.

Sasuke threw himself out of the way of the fire--no, wait, paint--the girls sent each other's way, his foot landing on Naruto's.

"Ow! What the hell, you--"

And while Sasuke stayed away from his own project, belligerently helping Naruto coloring in the "Shodaime's" eyes with deep green, Naruto continued cursing for a solid eight minutes with an enthusiastic Minion cheering him on.

The thirty-seventh time the Uzumaki felt his ankle bones grind against each other, five seconds away from a certified Kyuubi Rampage, something in him broke. Literally. And figuratively.

"Bastard," Naruto hissed, in the manner befitting a hokage, beckoning the Uchiha closer and wrapping an arm around his shoulder, "We gotta fix this before they break the Hokage Mountain, dattebayo!"

"Hn." Sasuke agreed, truly empathizing with his plight and more, shuddering at another spike of killing intent that was supposed to be competitive or something.

The blonde stared into space for a while before a bulb lit up in Naruto's head, his face morphing into one of glee.

"Bastard." Naruto addressed, excitedly this time, "Why don't you go there and tell 'em you don't like 'em, huh?

"Hn?" Sasuke repeated, frowning.

What was he playing at? Did he expect Sasuke to just walk in between the two and come back with his limb intact from the pulling?

Or maybe that was exactly the blonde's plan.

You could never say with manipulative Orange ninja children.

"Now, come on," Naruto nudged, patting the dust off the Uchiha's shoulders, "Communication and stuff y'know. Gotta make that disinterest clear," he finished, fist-pumping the air suspiciously.

That didn't sound half-bad, Sasuke mused, ignoring the part of him that screamed painting didn't sound bad at first either!

He narrowed his eyes at the blonde who was grinning weakly, then turned his back on him, twirled and stalked towards the girls with grace. He might as well make use of the Yamanaka spending time with them.

He could set boundaries! And he wasn't going to let thirteen-year olds deter him, Sasuke decided, huffing pointedly.

In another corner of the street, Uzumaki Naruto gazed at the Uchiha facing down the girls and cackled wildly. Sakura-chan was now going to be interested in him and Blondie would be heartbroken, move out of the way and they'd have a rival fight to fix things up!

Naruto shook his head with a fondly exasperated dattebayo, marveling at his own genius.

If only he'd talked to the bastard before...Who knew he was surprisingly easy to talk into things!

"Sakura. Yamanaka." Sasuke started, then promptly panicked whether he pronounced their name right.

When there was no indication of anything otherwise and confused staring from both girls, he declared,"Hn."

He made a sweeping gesture at them, pointed at himself, and shook his head emoting no for the babies they were.

"Hn." he stressed again, turning his back on the teens.

With a self-satisfied smirk, Sasuke returned to the Uzumaki to proclaim his wins.

Sakura's face fell towards her sandals, toes dragging against the other.

Finally, Ino broke the silence.

"What was that?"

Sakura sighed. She had to tell her now too.

"He's saying he isn't interested, pig." Sakura explained, tugging on her now blue-and-purple cap. Mentally she patted herself on the decision to bring it along to shield her hair from the paint.

"How did you..." Ino's lips curled, eyes twitching.

"How what?" Sakura snapped, hands on hips.

"..know..." she trailed off, when all he did was shake his head and smirk?

Sakura looked back at her with a genuinely perplexed frown on her visage.

For the first time in her life, Yamanaka Ino backed down, utterly confused with what had just happened.

"Pick your poison," Ino nudged Naruto, a good distance away from the mountain and pointing at the new yellow and purple paint canisters they had brought.

"Yellow's better on brown, dattebayo." Naruto said importantly, "Always looks good on the Yondaime."

Ino nodded and got back to contouring the Fourth's face.

Legend has it that the faces on the Hokage Mountain seemed oddly terrified that day.

If you asked Sasuke, he would boldy declare it a trick of the light while rattling drawers for his aspirin.

Chapter Text

"See, Fujibakama's plainer so it compliments Cosmos!" Ino explained, palming the flowers and twirling them around.

Sakura smiled softly, knees drawn to rest her chin.

"You're so good at this, Ino-chan..." she mumbled, picking a Fujibakama on the ground, "If you're a cosmos I'm the Fujibakama, huh?"

Ino's eyebrow's furrowed in annoyance.

"If you ask me, you aren't even a flower," she stated, "You'd be a bud."

A momentary frown tugged Sakura's mouth downwards, but she quickly regained her composure.

"Y-yeah, you're right..." she assured, smile not reaching her eyes and slowly stared into space.

A thought crossed her mind and the pinkette looked up.

"Hey, um, Ino-chan." she spoke, then continued quickly when she had the other's attention, "W-Why did you give me the ribbon?"

One hand holding a cosmos, Ino tilted her head at the question. 

She suddenly grinned, resting the flowers on the ground.

"Hehe, that's because," she began importantly, giggling, "A bud's wasted if it doesn't bloom, you know?"

Ino brought her hands up, holding them wide.

"I gave it to you so you'd bloom into a flower even prettier than the cosmos!"

Sakura blinked.

Then broke into a genuine smile.

Sasuke paused, scanning his newest artistic venture. There was something wrong with what he was doing, he gathered while squinting. It just didn't vibe with that grac--

Pink-Purple fusioned specks of paint splattered across the Sandaime's beard, reminding a horrified Sasuke of Fear from Inside Out. The yellows he had painstakingly dyed the whole beard with was completely overshadowed.

Sakura laughed sheepishly from a corner, holding her own paintbrush vertically.

"Um, Sasuke-kun, I--"

"Do your own thing, kore!" Konohamaru roared without sympathy, and the Sadness in Sasuke was sobbing at the loss of the Sandaime's beautiful yellow-painted beard, "It's stupid when Boss and Jiji's got the same hair!"

Sasuke was impressed at the kid calling the President a Grandpa right across the very Presidential monument, but it was quickly overshadowed by the overwhelming disgust that he had chosen the same shade of yellow that Naruto drowned out most of the time in orange.

Minion ran for his life, howling for help from a cackling Naruto and very entertained Sakura, dodging stray paint buckets.

Sasuke inspected his nails away from Minion's wailings and gazed at the lack of grace on the Sandaime.

In contrast to Ino meticulously dabbing pink on the Yondaime's lips, this was...

A hand grabbing a new paintbrush, Sasuke snorted.

Blue and pink weren't bad colors if he went for stripes.

"Maybe you can try gripping the brush the other way, Forehead." Ino pointed out, running her eyes through uneven pink strokes of paint over the Niidaime's facial markings.

Naruto skipped over to Sakura, giving her hold on the brush a once over and cupped her hands in his.

Sakura furrowed her eyes in concentration, not moving away from his grip. "Hold it like this to fit the tiny spaces, Sakura-chan!"

Konohamru demonstrated too-- with a thin outline of poop on the Shodaime's chin, and Sasuke smacked him on the head, contributing by drawing another stripe.

His stripe wasn't perfect, but Sakura grinned nevertheless.

"What is this." Sakura enquired at the abstract art of swirls and waves on the Shodaime's forehead protector which both Naruto and Minion were working on.

"The lines are ramen, Sakura-chan!" Naruto informed her, crawling around the First's hair.

Sakura stifled a laugh and grabbed Sasuke by his arm. 

The Uchiha flinched at the sudden contact and groaned at the flirting tactic before her arm met him on the shoulder, hard.

"Does that look like ramen to you, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura half-whimpered trying to hold her composure, surprisingly paying more attention to the mountain than Sasuke's face.

She pointed at the distinctly brown slash of paint on the Naruto (you know, the food) in the squiggly ramen. 

Sasuke rolled his eyes, but his lips tugged upwards slightly in a small smirk anyway.

"What'd you guys mean, dattebayo?" Naruto squinted at the duo, before turning his head to the Forehead Protector.

Bright brown poop on Naruto (you know, the food) greeted him, Konohamaru showcasing the addiction tiny brats had with the thing.

Naruto paused, examing his own drawing of the same thing on the Shodaime's nose ( after an enraged Sakura kicking him out of the Niidaime's) 

Correction; tiny brats and Naruto shared the addiction.

The blonde's face twisted comically, comprehending that it was a Naruto and his ramen masterpiece that the brat was doodling on very seriously.

An unholy screech rattled wide-eyed crows away from the top of the Hokage Mountain, as Uzumaki Naruto jumped down from the nose supported by the rope tied around his waist.

Minion knew his tally of offenses at this point, and Naruto had already chased him around four whole times.

This didn't deter the Uzumaki though.

He was a tricky one--Sasuke would give him that--jumping across the distance between the Sandaime and Yondaime in one elegant whoop-

"Hey!" Ino threatened, suspended from black ropes secured on top of the Yondaime's spikes, "Don't smear those ribbons!"

Her warnings didn't fall on empty ears--at first, because just as Naruto narrowly avoided the bright fuchsia ribbons decorating the Yondaime's Face, Konohamaru dragged pink strokes to the Face's eyes. He then stuck his tongue out petulantly, stepping over the Shodaime and missing the Nidaime by an inch (saving him from Sakura's rage too).

Naruto chased after him with another growl, his paintbrush missing the brat's ponytail by inches.

Sakura laughed.

(And also shielded her nidaime)

Ino threw the Uzumaki her own paintbrush for support, then grinned darkly at the thought of vengeance.

Sasuke opted to stealthily inch away.

By evening the "Shodaime" had three orange whisker marks on each cheek, various scribbles of ramen and poop on his forehead, and impressive murals ran across his left cheekbone in reds and oranges. 

Naruto puffed his chest in pride, sniffing.

The Nidaime was in worse shape-- markings outlined with pink and glitter, a vague pink mess on his shoulder that was supposed to be a cherry blossom and the Sandaime donned wavey lines of pink and blue, resembling stripes that were rained on.

Winking seductively, the Yondaime was the star of the show along with the Shodaime, a pretty princess of yellows and blues, flaunting bright pink ribbons and full lips painted pink.

It was pretty clear who the artists were, Sakura and Sasuke scowled. They consoled each other good-naturedly with shoulder pats, definitely not sulking in a corner.

"Want me to fix up the Nidaime for you, Forehead?" Ino cooed mockingly, going through the trouble of heaving herself all the way up to the Nidaime's face to trace pink glitter with her index finger dramatically.

Immediately, Sakura stirred, left leg boarding a rock.

"Don't you dare touch him!" she howled, her hand resting on her left thigh.

Naruto tip-toed away from her, Konohamaru in tow.

"Oh yeah?" Ino smirked elegantly, "Got a crush on him now?"

It might have been Sasuke's imagination, but the downward press of lips of the Nidaime's face morphed into one of fear.

"That's none of your business, you--" Sakura cried, lounging forward. "Do you think I'm still weak? I can handle you!" 

"Sure you can, Forehead!" Ino bit back, elegance crumbling, "You'll always be lesser than me!"

"You're always like this." Sakura curled her lips in disgust, "Thinking you're better than me, making fun of me, making me feel all damsel in distress deliberately, pretending to be my friend--"

Something unreadable flickered through Ino's eyes.

"Even when I thought you were--"

Then paused, realizing that there was an audience.

A seal bloomed into fruition and the children's attention snapped to the paper wedged between Ino's index and middle fingers.

"Barrier for vision." Ino snarled.

Naruto cheered for rivals!

The Hokage faces definitely looked scared.

Sakura snarled right back.

So was Sasuke, as he proved by grabbing both Minion and Naruto and getting the hell away from there.

Chapter Text

Twin figures blurred under the sharingan's vision, flickering in and out repeatedly, blocked by the barriers for vision.

Sasuke brought his face closer to the fistfight--a little closer, a little more closer and is that pink--

"I GOTTA KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH YOUR MAGIC EYES TOO, BASTARD!" Naruto whined not befitting a future President, shaking Sasuke by the shoulder like a ragdoll.

"Hn." Sasuke tched, channeling waves of disapproval.

He couldn't care two cents about politeness now. You try wasting your chakra on dust images under barriers and stay calm while exposed to prolonged doses of Naruto.

Not to mention the Minion package that came with him.

"I'm afraid a single tomoe Sharingan cannot break into that level of vision barrier." the man remarked, crouching down to their level. "The Shodaime's root murals are wonderful, by the way."

"Aw," Naruto whined. Again. Then brightened up at the second sentence, "Thanks anyway, dattebayo!"

Wait. The Uchiha furrowed his brows. Man?

Slowly, Sasuke peered behind his shoulder.

Freakishly white porcelain and three diagonal whisker markings were juxtaposed against the orange backdrop of the setting sun.

"Hi." Cat monotoned, chin jutting out and what visible of his eyes dead."Kaka-Hatake-se--san's children?"

A shrill scream tore out of Sasuke's throat.

"You've got two minds?! What are you?!" Ino yelled, wide-eyed at her mind-justu being shut down forcibly.

"Now, look here, you brought chakra into this--" Sakura began, very offended, "Inner's there because of you  trying your weird juts--"

A thin line of wire yanked Sakura's ankle and she shrieked all the way down to the ground.

"Got you!" Ino smirked.

Then whimpered at the wire tightening around her forearm too, " And what the hell is Inner--"

Someone falling, obvious shrieking, some jutsu...?

"Soooo?" Konohamaru nudged, bored out of his mind.

Sasuke shoved him away in annoyance.

"Hn." he warned, deactivating his sharingan.

Now that he had continuously used his Sharingan for the past fifteen minutes, his reserves weren't the best on the block. If he needed enough energy to walk home then the Sharingan had to go.

Besides, he hoped that they wouldn't go too far.

It's not like...they'd kill each other, right?

"Do we get them now?" Cat asked impassively, staring blankly at the empty spot where two genin were supposed to be.

"No!" Naruto declined with passion, shaking his head.

All Naruto could see were paint splatters on previously non-splattered places including his intricate murals on the Shodaime's face, so he squinted for more information on the Rival Fight.

Sasuke curled his lip at the blonde's antics. What ANBU man was saying made sense--and he didn't even seem all too bad, Sasuke groused, glancing from the corner of his eyes. He seemed saner in comparison to Naruto who wasn't even in the Hokage's Private Killing Squad or whatever ANBU were, exactly.

(He didn't know and he didn't think most people knew much about their own ANBU either. The creepy That's ANBU don't look! from the mob in the background were disconcerting to say, at the least. He wondered how they were the police if the citizens weren't used to them--if they were terrorizing people--but the Uchiha were the police before, apparently. And what the ANBU was are--are distorted tales. People seemed to be slowly warming up to them though.)

There was obviously a shortage of labor in the "ANBU" for some reason -- since they had conveniently painted over the Presidential Monument a lot without interference already.

Or they couldn't be bothered to send trained assassins after children.

(Sasuke had a sneaking suspicion it was the latter).

A government agent being dispatched to break away five toddlers away from the Presidential monument while they could be killing would irk anyone, Sasuke mused. The problem was that the guy was too calm.

A screech broke out of the area surrounding the monument followed by blissful silence. Disturbing silence.

"Now?" Cat tried again.

"No!" Naruto pitched in, horrified, "They're rival-fighting stuff out, dattebayo!"

He immediately latched onto the ANBU'S legs, holding him in place.

"No breaking off rival-fighting!" he campaigned, with minion landing on the other leg, "NO BREAKING OFF RIVAL FIGHTING!"

Of all the things to break his stony front for, Cat turned his wooden, stoic face towards Sasuke, only his eyes sympathizing with him.

I deal with stupid people too.

Sasuke dragged a hand across his face.

Of all the people in the world, of course the trained assassin who would probably murder in cold blood sympathizes with him over Naruto.

Two genin-shaped lumps observed a particularly tomato-shaped cloud in the vast blue sky.

"Sasuke-kun likes tomatoes best, you know." Sakura commented off-handedly.

Ino groaned.

"Think you're winning just because you know that?" she sighed, running a hand through her disheveled hair.

Sakura snorted in return, then groaned right after when the slight movement hurt her jaw.

"No, Piggy," she said, "Just thought you should know to...make the ground fair. I'm on his team, after all."

Ino slowly got up, dusting her clothes and flexing her muscles, wincing at the bruise on her upper shoulder.

She leveled Sakura with a look that she could only describe as curious, and smirked, "After him saying he's not interested, Forehead? Didn't think you were that bitchy."

"I--" Sakura began to ground out, trying to sit up herself.

To her surprise, Ino's hand landed on her mass of hair, pulling her cap back on her. Seals landed on her lap and she looked up to face the blonde.

"I know. Me too." Ino agreed--for what, Sakura didn't understand. "He's dorky."

Sakura tugged on her bloodied cap.

"And you're not half bad in red." the blonde finished, "I just don't like it."

Ino dragged her bruised ankle away.

"Who's the cosmos now?" Sakura grumbled, averting her eyes and gathering the seals in her hand.

The blonde stopped halfway, cocking her hips to the side.

"I am, duh."

Sakura tched, and motioned at the seals piled up on her lap. Her face made it very clear that she was judging the other for dropping them like that and definitely diagnosing her with brain damage.

"That's for you, Forehead." Ino grinned toothily, "Congratulations for blooming."

She swayed her hips (or tried to, at least, with all the probably broken bones) groggily in non-typical-Ino fashion towards the Central District, remarking about wow, ANBU didn't find us?

The pinkette's mouth dropped open.

"Find your own flower!" Ino called, raising a hand in farewell. "Cosmos is mine!"

Ino disappeared into the sunset, feet dragging behind to keep up with her towards the Yamanaka Flower shop, leaving Sakura's mouth touching the ground.

It took a few seconds for Sakua's joints to pop, the pinkette finally shifting her weight to one knee in an attempt to stand up straight. When that was over, she stuffed the barrier seals into her packs in rough shoves--or at least the extent of rough her elbows could take right then.

Proper ladies didn't turn gifts down, and those seals looked expensive.

Damn clan kids, Sakura huffed.

Especially why she was going to throw these back at Ino's face and demand to teach her proper etiquette when giving out gifts.

Tightening the strap of her pack, the pinkette scanned the glitter running along the Niidaime's cheek for confirmation.

Oh. That wasn't a dream.

The face on the Hokage Mountain seemed to offer a sniff in response.

Sakura blinked.

Then broke into a smile.

"This is insane!" Ino cried from the path leading up to the Hokage Mountain, scanning the distance she had to traverse. ''Forehead, get right here and haul me up!"

Giggling, Sakura raced over to help up the toppled over blonde, schooling her expression into an extremely displeased one.

Smugness radiated from Naruto in waves, the Uzumaki grinning wildly from ear to ear.

If he wasn't clawing on another human's leg like a barnacle, Sasuke was sure he would be crossing his arms to accentuate the smug grin. 

Just three minutes ago had they (Sasuke with his sharingan deactivated) witnessed a purple-clad figure keel over right at the foot of the Hokage Monument and a head of familiar pink hoist the other on it's shoulders.

Apparently, whatever this rival-fighting entailed, it had worked since there wasn't any bickering from their side.

Dangling back and forth from Cat's leg, Naruto raised a hand to shield his head against the luminescent rays. A single drop of sweat streamed down his temples, eyes squinted.

Against the backdrop of the flaming orange was Sakura trudging the path, supporting a beat-down Ino on her shoulders. The setting sun cast a yellow glow on the girls, making them seem fiercer and snappier than they were.

Sasuke could hear the cowboy music playing, Naruto finally letting go of the agent's leg with a faint sniff of pride.

A tumbleweed rolled around in the background, Konohamaru chasing after with a lot of kore's.

Ino whispered something against Sakura's hair jovially, their figures closing the distance between them and the others at a fast pace.

Cat--the guy who was supposed to arrest them--took a step forward at the mesmerizing sight--the deepest throngs of friendship.

"Shut it, Forehead! I used chakra, you didn't."

"So you think Substitution was me standing around like some stupid tree?"

They were a bit too jovial now--the sun's light bathing them definitely making them seem more snappish than they were--

"I said I used chakra!" Ino screeched, "I'm tired and you're not because my clan has cool jutsu!"

"Oh, so now it's my fault I'm not from a clan?" Sakura growled back, tightening her hold over the slipping blonde's arms, "And what are you eating?"

Sasuke hummed contentedly to himself. The sun could play genjutsu in this world now? That was wonderful information for future use. 

There was no way they were arguing after the rival fight, right? Sasuke smiled, genuinely, side-eyeing a cringing Uzumaki.

"Excuse you! I'm lighter than--"

"That's the problem! You're stupidly underweig--ow!"

Sakura's words drowned in a gasp as entwined legs tugged at each other, and with a jolt, the teens stumbled into the ground in a heap of limbs. Each made noises of pain, groaning and nursing the bruises and cuts on their immobile arms.

The sun went down a little too quick, the tumbleweed magically dissipating in Konohamaru's hands and he whirled his head around, searching for it with a comical frown.

Even the guy who had come over to take them to the non-existent police station seemed vaguely sympathetic in posture, flatly staring at Naruto in a silent question if he could intervene now.

Naruto's chin retreated further into his face.

Cat hovered above the girls, boring into their skulls with the same dead look before grabbing their collars. It almost seemed as if he was asking if he could carry them before deciding he would carry them anyway. Someone used to dealing with difficult children?

Very respectful guy, Sasuke internally nodded in approval. Anybody reminding him of Iruka-sensei was nice. Outwardly though, he was busy scowling at Naruto.

All this time and chakra wasted on the Sharingan--only for the girls to continue raising hell. He should have just proceeded with Plan A in the first place.

Ino made a noise of protest from the back of her throat which was probably supposed to be intimidating. It came out as a pitiful whine though, to which Cat responded by flinging them across his shoulders like he was used to it.

(Plan A: Never let the witches cross paths. Ever.)

"Ino's ankle's messed up," Sakura explained, with a little amount of fondness and worry in her voice.

Or not.

Sasuke took in the bruises on the girls' jaws and their limp arms and shuddered at the disturbing amount of happiness Sakura carried after the witch-fight.

He was not getting a rival.

Ever, he decided, sending a pointed look at Naruto, who hadn't noticed the subtle reconciliation from the girl's parts.

On his part, Sasuke opted to stay quiet about the whole thing. Who knew what ideas Naruto would get if he thought the fight was successful? Didn't want to be planting ideas into the idiot Uzumaki's head.

Although it worked.

Like everything else Naruto did when it came to human interactions.

Either the Uzumakis were very specialized psychiatrists or the ninja world was plain weird. This was an anime, after all. Maybe punching-it-out was the ninja equivalent of an attempt in talking things out while sitting on couches and sipping on hot cocoa only to shatter the cup later during a screaming match?

Not that it's happened to Sasuke. Just an innocent example.

"Where'you taking Sakura-chan and Blondie, creep?!" Naruto shouted, but nowhere near his usual volume being subjected to the stare.

"The Hospital," Cat said flatly, helping Sakura snag her hairband into her wrist to let her hair tumble out.

"Are we... in trouble?" Sakura croaked at Naruto, surprisingly weak despite the guttural growl she had presented Ino with earlier.

Naruto grinned weakly at Cat, bluster and doubt all but forgotten, and something told Sasuke that the brat would be running if the ANBU wasn't holding up two people hostage.

"No." Cat said, taking a particularly long stride. Ino winced, grasping at her hair which was far too tight right now, and let it fall from her high ponytail. This seemed to gather the seemingly-stoic ANBU's sympathies, since he sighed, "Not now. Repeating the offense, though--"

"--Jiji'll be mad, sure, sure." Konohamaru butt in, not reading the mood. He waved a hand around to make his point at the Sandaime which wasn't really helping his cause since he had essentially called the President a Grandpa.

Sasuke was just about to smack him in the head when--

"Yes." Cat agreed, a single word expressing how much tolerance he had for bullshit, turning the stare to Konohamaru, "Your grandfather wouldn't be happy. At all. A pity for you."

Air chilled around them-- Silent howls of the wind assuring the genin along with a very disgruntled Konohamaru that Cat was...smiling underneath the mask.

Sasuke tensed. He didn't like the idea of ANBU with the girls but he seemed like the calm, normal sort of guy--as normal as someone parading dark form-fitting suits and a strapped sword ready to strike could be.

He had that exasperation in common with Iruka-sensei which automatically guaranteed five percent of Sasuke's trust for anybody.

But paired with the stare--

Konohamaru sank into the ground feebly.

The mysterious tumbleweed took this opportunity to blow by.

Th pre-genin lounged for it keenly--literally a small jump of hurray in escaping his predicament with his ankles meeting together and everything--before making a vague cry of, "Jiji's gonna worry 'bout me! Gotta go, boss!"

Sasuke, on the other hand stared into the alleyway where the boy had disappeared to.

And distinctly realized that way Minion was heading led to the President's Residence.

Cat nodded to both the boys left and made signs for a quick shunshin to the nearest roof in the direction of Konoha General Hospital.

Sasuke gazed down at his sandals. And processed.

They painted on the President's Monument with the President's Grandson, Sakura and Ino fought, Naruto painted on the President's Monument with the President's Grandson, Sandaime had distortions of blue and pink on his beard passing for waves, Sakura and Ino had a Rival Fight whatever that is, Naruto had the president's grandson for a Minion, Sakura and Ino vaguely made up in the way witches did, he smacked the President's Grandson on the head, a Government agent hovered three meters away from him and he didn't lash out or flinch, The President's grandson is a brat, His Very Healthy Paranoia which was a survival mechanism wasn't seeing him through the day and--

Inky blues and Baby blues blurring together crafted the sky at the moment--he was speaking in Paint.

If he had any less dignity, Sasuke would giggle. Hysterically.

A dying streetlight breathing it's last to light up blonde hair.

"Hey, comin' for Ichiraku's, Bastard?" Naruto's voice echoed through the empty expanse of the road.

"No." Sasuke mumbled in English, deciding to give it a go since he was apparently speaking in Paint now.

"Nhu-o?" Naruto scrunched his nose.

Sasuke looked at the blonde in despair, felt the hole that was Sakura sitting right near the Uzumaki, laughing and pat him on the shoulder.

There was bone-deep exhaustion in him that didn't have to do with just chakra. 

Sasuke shook his head and steered Naruto with a palm on his back to Ichiraku's.

Food could hopefully remedy that. Besides, however loud Naruto and Ichiraku's was, the bustling food stall and blonde's admittedly pacifying enthusiasm paired with steamy hot Ramen would do wonders to kick his brain into processing things.

And he'd gather his wayward paranoia and prided Sanity along the way.

Or so he hoped.

Sasuke sent a quick prayer to the heavens just in case they had decided he was being a little cozy playing ninja.

God, if you exist, (which He absolutely did with the Grim Reaper, that piece of shit being real) please keep my head safe from Ninja children.

 Something told him he'd be praying a lot more often from now on.

Chapter Text

After the enlightening boat ride, peace and quiet reigned for once with Naruto tense and ears straining for the slightest movement.

Suddenly the blonde lounged forward, head whipping to every direction before he all but tore his kunai out of the holster.

"There!"

Everyone stared.

Naruto raised a hand to his face, shaking his head with an exasperated smile of don't thank me, "Ohoho, just a rat."

"Please don't use the shuriken recklessly, it's dangerous--"

"There's nothing there, yo--"

Kakashi's and Sakura's complaints were drowned out as Sasuke walked up to the blonde in quick strides.

And smacked Naruto squarely on the head.

He could still feel his heart hammering a staccato against his chest at the stupid alert. 

This Uchiha did not need high blood pressure at thirteen-years-old. Even though entering this particular profession announced otherwise.

"Stop being an idiot, midget!" the old drunkard who was responsible for this whole mess admonished.

"No, I swear there was someth--" he stopped midway, hands sending a shuriken to another innocent tree again, "THERE!"

Sasuke grabbed the blonde by the shoulders and straightened him up. He made sounds of protest which the raven ignored, wrenching the other boy's cheeks apart with his fingers.

"Ow, ow, ow!" Naruto squeaked, "Whash the hell bashtar--"

"Hn." Sasuke let him know of his inappropriate behavior, slapping his cheeks and his own eyes boring right into the idiot's.

NARUTO!" Sakura hollered from only a meter away, "You would have killed this rabbit here!"

"Bush I heardh shomething, Shakura-shan!" Naruto gurgled, trying to wriggle out of the Uchiha's hands, "Geth--off--meh!"

Kakashi used a teacher voice right then, and Sasuke came to know that intelligent things about snow rabbits responding to summer heat and turning brown bored people into oblivion.

It was at the part of the lecture where rabbits basically tanned in an essay and Naruto squiggled away from his grip, did Sasuke realize that brown bunny stories weren't the problem--

It was the agent's lack of bored-drawly voice.

Which sounded like reciting a textbook. A trigonometry one.

(No offense to Sakura conquering trigonometry for fun while waiting for Agent to turn up at training)

Usually, it was Agent who sounded half-asleep. Now it was them.

Sasuke cringed away at the Educational Moment. 

What did Educational Moments matter when we played shuriken-shuriken again?

Then as if to prove that it did matter, some higher entity decided another country's hitman had let white bunnies loose for substitution.

And all of it went to hell.

"Hey you stupid eyebrowless freak," Naruto gritted his teeth, doubling over to his forehead protector. Mist cleared dramatically around him, almost as if setting up a stage, "Put this in your dumb bingo book--the guy's who's gonna be Hokage,"

Hands pulled on the cloth of the protectors, tightening it around the blonde's hand. His back shot up ramrod straight and steely determination set over cerulean blues.

"Ninja of Konoha, Uzumaki Naruto, dattebayo!"

One of the Seven fucking Swordsmen of the Mist--which sounded like a pretty big deal--  Zabuza of the Hidden Mist blinked.

Yes, Sasuke's lips twitched upwards hysterically, This was happening.

They were going to fight when the actual jonin was sealed up nice and pretty in a water bubble.

Sasuke glanced to his side at his pink-haired teammate.

And another yes, she was making the Oh..Naruto thats super cool even when the one whose supposed to be super cool is my kind-of crush face. Or at least that's what Naruto thought it was.

Sasuke just cataloged it as an inspired face in response to  Naruto exuding extreme alpha male vibes along with gibberish to raise battle morale. He was horrifyingly good at that.

They were doomed and the blonde idiot was talking about plans in front of another country's hitman.

At the most inconvenient moment did the drunk old man grow a spine, and he tugged on his straw hat dramatically, smirking as if he had done the favor by letting thirteen-year-olds fight.

"I've got a plan." Naruto said, smiling.

Mother always said never to open your mouth if you didn't have nice things to say. Sasuke's mouth remained hanging open--he had things to say alright, but none of them nice.

"Y-You do?" Sakura acknowledged since nobody else made a move.

Even Other Hitman didn't make a move at this, crossing his arms and fiddling with his sword, pleasantly getting ready for a conversation while Agent choked in a water bubble three meters away.

A monologue with unnecessarily excruciating details later, Zabuza continued staring manically.

Sasuke just stared. Something told him he should be trying to punch the guy when he was talking, but he was currently busy comprehending how they were where they were.

"Plan, plan!" Naruto hissed, huddling them closer.

Sasuke shook his head and pointed at Tazuna.

"What is it, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked, still casting wary glances and lending half an ear to Zabuza's ongoing story.

Only Kakashi and the pinkette seemed even remotely interested, but this apparently didn't stop the guy from continuing.

Agent even made appropriate sound effects and additional notes instead of holding his breath in the water just to draw things out.

Which meant they had to be leaving. Not staying there to get killed over the dead-last's (no offense to Naruto) plans.

Jabbing a thumb towards Zabuza, while also pointedly looking at Tazuna (effectively turning his back on the monologue) Sasuke channeled all the courage he could muster, "Hn.'

It was a difficult choice, but it had to be done.

Recognition swept through Sakura's eyes followed by sheer horror.

"You...want to kill Tazuna-san...?"she whispered, with none of the joy she would usually have at her successful interpretations.

Her phrasing was wrong. He wasn't killing the stupid drunkard. He was saving them.

"What the hell, basta--"

"Hn." Sasuke cut in, steel in his voice and not feeling like a bastard whatsoever.

It all came down to your choices.

He wasn't dying just because some old man lied about a mission they weren't supposed to be on. Whatever they cried about this Will of Fire he wasn't going to die knowing that he let two kids die just because he couldn't choose between two things.

Loud chuckles rang in the genin's ears, startling them out of their two-way standstill. 

"Not all stupid after all, huh brats?" Zabuza grinned, probably a toothy thing under that creepy ninja mask--wrappings. "If you give up the old man..."

Sakura's resolve wavered, the pinkette delving into her thinking face.

"Go." Kakashi interrupted, possibly using the last of his breath.

Naruto formed quick seals, clicking his tongue.

"KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!" he screamed, wasting his reserves on fifty clones or so.

Zabuza wiped the floor with them, hard, in a flash before Sasuke could even rush in after ushering Sakura and Tazuna to the back.

It was hopeless.

Right when Tazuna sighed wearily and stepped forward, a hand grasped his wrist, stilling him in place.

"No." Naruto stated, face contorting in pain, "We're not abandoning the mission. We're not abandoning the old man. And we're not stupid."

That was all it took for Sakura to crack.

"W-We need to go." she stated, not firm but sure, then gave a wry smile, "But shinobi rules say you complete the mission."

Sasuke ground his teeth. He didn't care about--

"I don't care about stupid shinobi rules! It's not that! We're all human and--" Naruto beat him to it, practically screaming at the assassin's face, "Why are you doing this? What do you get for killing?"

Previously intimidating Hitman's previously stiff and serious shoulders slumped and he laughed at his face.

The rabbit from before made a weird mewling noise.

Oh well, Sasuke had to side with Hitman here. That question was a little ridiculous.

"Which cuddly cave did you crawl over from, kid?" Zabuza rested his elbows on his huge sword, certainly amused, "What'd you think a shinobi is? Momma told you they give you candy if you don't kick ass first?"

Naruto continued glowering at the man, positioning Tazuna behind him.

"It's not about that, freak, " Naruto spat, "Why did you have to kill your friends? Why does it gotta be that way?"

That was a loaded question on the blonde's part, but Sasuke's brows furrowed. Was it just him or was Naruto going off-tangent?

Zabuza straightened slightly.

"You know nothing about the world, brat." he mused, amusement taking the backseat for his inner philosopher to shine through, "Such is the way of the Shinobi."

"That's bullshit and you know it." Naruto continued, definitely spitting on the philosophy of the one guy that could let them go, "You decide your way. Why would you choose this way even when no one's forcing you to?"

It wasn't just him. Even Sakura seemed apprehensive. 

Naruto was talking for the sake of talking. He wasn't the most eloquent of the lot, but he was better than this at the Uzumaki Therapy thing he pulled with the lady who shoo-ed them away from the Hokage Mountain. For what---

A figure in orange skirted around Zabuza's huge water ball, carrying a shuriken. Sasuke's eyes widened at another Naruto inching closer stealthily right behind Zabuza's water clone with a kunai.

Not for the first time, it dawned on Sasuke that Naruto could be stealthy or smart if we wanted to.

Often times he just chose not to.

When did he do that? Did he make all those clones with sending one over there in mind?

Kunai flew at the water ball when--

Zabuza glanced to his side momentarily and Sasuke's heart sank.

"Nice try, kid." Zabuza shook his head and waved his sword at the clone.

It happened in the span of seconds.

A Fumashuriken took Naruto's place with a poof with the Mist nin's back turned.

Sasuke stared dumbly for half a second before Sakura hissed, "Pick it up! Throw it at the water ball!"

Zabuza turned back to them with a sharp grin on his face. Or what little of what you could see on his face.

Sasuke didn't know if this was utterly suicidal or plain genius, but for this to work-- he flung a shuriken at the Hitman with his Sharingan whirling for no reason, body automatically adjust to grip the weapon even if he had only dabbled with the one he carried around earlier.

Zabuza's amusement dissipated into the air, the man narrowing his eyes ominously.

His clone glided to the left, steering the shuriken left.

"Oh, it's aimed at the real me?" Still not enough," he intoned dispassionately, blocking it with just his right arm.

Another shuriken emerged from the first's shadow, Zabuza's eyes widening at the sudden turn of events.

"That's Shadow shuriken no jutsu." Kakashi pointed out unhelpfully for expositionary needs. Even he looked tired with the whole thing.

"Still not enough--" Zabuza mocked, feet leaping inches above the ground and--

The dodged shuriken morphed back into Uzumaki Naruto balancing a kunai in death grip and slamming it into the water ball.

Alarmed, Zabuza charged at him which Sasuke intercepted by charging forward with his own kunai and taijutsu--meager compared to the other man--but preoccupying him away from Naruto for a few seconds nevertheless. The Sharingan didn't help much in seeing through the mist,  but strikes were clearer, slower.

The rabbit from before yelped out of the way.

Sakura trapped the mist nin's clone in wires she inconspicuously set up, cradling a bruise to her inner thigh.

"I'm so proud of you!" Agent, dripping wet from the water ball cheered with fake-enthusiasm but he probably was thankful that a now beaming Naruto saved his life, punched the living daylights out of Zabuza, then fell back to his slightly more-tired drawl, "Hello, Zabuza-kun. I don't fall for the same thing twice."

If Sasuke learned anything from the fight, it was that the Sharingan only went from creepy polycoriac eyes to creepierspinning polycoriac eyes.

The extra tomoe wasn't flattering whatsoever.

It was a wonder how these people put up with him even after seeing that.

But then again, they put up with the Hyuuga too who looked like they climbed out from a zombie movie set.

Oh, he also learned extensive monologues did the trick.

You wouldn't have guessed with the way Kakashi bluffed his way out of Zabuza's tricks that he would keel over and faint the next second, giving all the genin a heart attack.

(Also, rabbits won over dogs).

In short? Naruto had a point about the talking business.

Uzumaki bloodline limit was enhanced people skills after all.

He didn't apologize to Tazuna.

Tazuna didn't mind.

By the end of the day with Kakashi draped over the genin's shoulders, Sasuke was really thinking about putting up a Danger. Not to be attempted at home. disclaimer over Team Seven's heads because that was not a situation that should have worked out.

"We kept the old man safe, bastard," Naruto bumped his knuckles on Sasuke's shoulders anyway. "Never give up, dattebayo!"

"Didn't give up the mission either!" Sakura chirped into the post-escape high.

"Hn." Sasuke acknowledged, debating whether to hold the Agent by the arms or elbows for maximum comfort. Poor guy did fight to his maybe-death for them.

The orange brat could just make clones, but noooo.

"Really, Sakura-chan?" Naruto rolled his eyes, bumping knuckles on her shoulders too.

"Huh." Sakura growled, raising a fist gingerly as to not let Kakashi hit the ground, "What's wrong with what I said?"

"That shinobi rules suckkkk!" Naruto laughed, making a face and running ahead of them to escape from The Fist.

He didn't worry about letting poor Agent hit the ground at all.

That probably wasn't the best shinobi advice ever, Sasuke mused, nose wrinkled as to how he and Sakura alone could carry Agent most efficiently.

The rabbit mewled sagely in acceptance.

"They suck, they suck!" Naruto chanted excitedly, diffusing the adrenaline rush and sobriety from the fight.

"They don't!" Sakura retorted maturely because she was tired and snappy, "Shut up!"

Sasuke's lips tugged upwards in direct contrast to his usual frown.

Stupid advice was easily ignorable at the amusing event of Uzumaki Naruto having the audacity to demand humanity in a world of assassins.

"My, what is....this," Tsunami, Tazuna's nice daughter trailed off, eyeing the furry addition to the group.

Sasuke blinked, stroking the rabbit.

Sakura shot her a wary look that translated to dont ask.

"Pet rabbit, dattebayo!" Naruto squealed, "Can I call him Nidaime, Sasuke?"

Sakura sputtered but kept herself in check.

"Nidaime?" she slapped her forehead, "A rabbit?!"

"Yeah, I saw his pictures in Jiji's office, dattebayo, and all I remember are like, rabbit colors." Naruto rubbed the back of his head and stared into space as if recalling something.

The pinkette side-eyed the rabbit monkey puppet-style.

She seemed like she was considering the thought.

"Hn." Sasuke curled his lip in disgust, shaking his head. The poor rabbit didn't deserve to be called the president of this village.

Even though said president was kind of hot from the face on the mountain.

Wait, to inappropriate thoughts from a rabbit?!

Sasuke kept himself from drawing blood after biting his own tongue. 

Stupid ninja world, making him question his existence--

"What about..." Sakura began, shifting around in her place, "Tobi?"

Then she flashed him big, wet, green puppy eyes that you would only resist if you were a monster.

"...Hn." Sasuke obliged begrudgingly, stroking the rabbit again.

It was a white-bordering-on-grey thing with deep, intelligent red eyes which Sasuke knew he adored. He had only known it for three hours, but if something happened to it he'd attempt murdering everyone in the room and then go missing-nin.

Provided he was able to murder everyone in said room from what he saw of that crazy jonin-fight.

Naruto squinted at Sakura's quiet cackles of Senju Tobirama anyway shannaro!

He shrugged.

"Nidaime-kun's the cutest, dattebyo!" Naruto cooed, bulldozing and stubborn-ing his way through the naming process.

Sasuke shot the pinkette a suspicious look when she didn't refute that.

"O...kay." Tsunami agreed, "Do you all want to clean up?" Then she added, unsure, "Does, um, Nidaime-san want to clean up?"

Sasuke stroked Tobi's fur one more time.

"Hn." Sasuke conceded, gently placing the rabbit down.

It might be a little off-putting to see a nice white ball of fluff in the middle of bloody, bruised children.

But Kakashi kept his dogs.

Rabbits are cuter.

Sakura did a little dance at the prospect of a bath and abandoned poor agent at their doorstep to Naruto's clones. 

And so the genin entered Tazuna's pleasantly austere house with a knocked-out Kakashi in tow.

Chapter Text

Contrary to the man himself, Tazuna's house was a quaint place.

You could hear hammering from a mile away or so, but that was it. That was all the noise the place harbored compared to the screeches of hell-cat and growls of angry mobs cursing stupid ninja children for ruining their roofs.

Sasuke stared at the agent as he seated himself up with difficulty.

The nice lady--Tsunami-- and Naruto were fussing him into drinking something.

"Sasuke," he addressed, and the boy in question jolted up straight.

He had to admit, he felt a little bad for the agent.

It was a stupid move to drag children along, but now that the danger had passed Sasuke was slightly regretting his approach to the agent. It wasn't that he was any less parnoid, but maybe Sasuke was obliged to pay him some attention.

Maybe he wouldn't kill him off just for the sake of it if he didn't seem suspicious.

"I'm sorry," Kakashi rasped, then watching the boy frown, he continued, "For not telling you about the sharingan."

Oh.

Oh.

Truthfully, Sasuke had forgotten, but the other didn't have to know that. It would be suspicious if he wasn't suspicious of the guy carrying around his supposed family heirloom or something, right?

"Hn." Sasuke nodded stiffly, feigning indecisiveness.

Done with feeding the recalcitrant jonin, Tsunami hurried out of the room to grant them privacy. 

Kakashi sighed.

"A friend of mine--a teammate-- was an Uchiha," he started, and Naruto tilted his head. 

"Did he--"

Gently plopping down next to the blonde, Sakura who had been toweling her hair shot him a glare.

"Uh--I mean," Naruto fumbled, eyeing the Uchiha, "I mean--"

"It wasn't the massacre." Kakashi corrected bluntly, "He died in the third shinobi war."

"Oh." Naruto said.

"He was thirteen."

"Oh." it was Sakura's turn.

"Anyway, he asked me to take his eye when he died and..." he trailed off, casting a glance in Sasuke's direction.

The Uchiha took a deep breath and nodded.

All of this seemed so heavy.

Damn the Reaper for hurling him into this place.

Why couldn't he get a place where they had candy for clouds?

Okay, Kakashi will admit.

Maybe he was a little sleep deprived on this mission. Nothing too bad. Exactly two-and-a-half-hours of sleep.

Maybe he, in his Jonin goggles--or goggle, with one eye, thought C-ranks would be a piece of cake.

Maybe he also thought he could take on one or two jonin when they accepted Tazuna's over-exaggerated declarations.

But this didn't mean he accounted for the fact that this Gato would actually hire one of the Seven Deadly Swordsmen of the Mist, Momochi Zabuza to get rid of a single drunkard.

Has he ever heard of ranks? Giving people jobs they're qualified for?

Hiring in accordance with skill?

How efficient is that?

Very. But Kakashi won't admit that because he's petty that way.

"What do you mean he isn't dead?" Sakura cried, a hair short of pulling her hair out, "You said you checked!"

Sasuke side-stepped the pinkette lightly, mildly disturbed that she was talking about human lives. Of course, it was a ninja world, but he didn't think the killing was so part of the job that kids didn't even flinch or vomit at their first dead body.

"I did." Kakashi placated, "But well...there are ways to induce momentary death. Especially with the needles the hunter nin used."

Naruto grinned, exuding so we fight! waves, gritting his teeth close together.

Sasuke promptly side-stepped him too.

"Maa, you'll receive some training," Kakashi reassured, although the enough to run away was left said.

"Sensei! You can't be serious!" Sakura reasoned, "You were struggling against him even with the sharingan!"

Inner was getting ready to punch that thick head of his.

Kakashi's exposed eye briefly flickered over to Tazuna and his daughter watching the exchange with little change in their expressions.

"Don't sell yourselves short. You're improving, all of you," he finally said, "Especially you, Naruto."

Sasuke snorted from where sat on the straw mat.

Naruto showed skill but Zabuza had experience.

And a giant ass sword.

And a creepy rictus.

And a hunter nin on his sid--

Tobi stirred in his arms, as if signaling to Naruto.

The blonde was positively elated.

Which only made Sasuke's disgust at this whole situation rise. What did these creepy ninja kids get out of acknowledgment and death looming right behind them?

"But sensei," Sakura sighed, again the voice of reason, "How do we train with Zabuza running around?"

"Ah, a momentary death takes some time to recover from," Kakashi said lightly.

The pinkette threw her hands up in defeat, and Sasuke shot her a look of sympathy.

"That's so cool!" Naruto gushed, "We're gonna train and it's gonna be tons of fu--"

"No fun."

A tiny presence made itself known in the room, a boy of about seven plodding into the room, setting himself down on Tazuna's lap.

Naruto turned around to glare at the offender, "Who the hell are you?!"

"Inari. And there's no way you're beating Gato." he stated quietly, as if this was a fact.

Sasuke's lips tugged upwards.

"Listen you, brat! I'm Uzumaki Naruto and..."

you know the rest. Hokage, hero, trouble magnet extraordinaire, ramen king--

"Inari, say hello to the nice ninja." Tsunami, nudged with a little force, gritting her teeth while Sasuke scoffed a little inwardly.

If he thought nice and ninja would never be in a sentence without ninja killing or murdering he was wrong then.

The Will of Fire seemed strangely ingrained in all the people he met in the stupid village though. Granted, he only knew some no-name kids from the academy and his dysfunctional, crazy team.

It was curious (and chilling) how they ordered a fucking genocide after these moral pep-talks.

Inari though transcended all his expectations of an eight-year-old from a delusional ninja world.

"Mom, they're gonna die." Inari pointed at the genin,"Heroes aren't real."

"Inari!" Tsunami hissed, hands-on hips.

Arms wrapped around Naruto's shoulders to keep him from thrashing, the blonde hurling curses at the boy.

"What'd you say, brat? What'd you know 'bout--"

"Naruto!" Sakura admonished, keeping him at bay, "He's a kid, you idiot!"

"Don't you think you know me, you stupid--"

"NARUTO--"

Quiet laughter filtered through the room, and the genin broke apart panting for breath from the struggle and wide-eyed.

Sasuke was massaging white tufts of fur, one hand covering half his face and saving his dignity by hiding the snorts. The laughter refused to progressively dwindle, Sasuke continuing to chuckle silently.

"What's your problem, bastard?" Naruto raised a fist, "You think I can't be a hero too--"

Sasuke raised a pale hand and rested it on the blonde's shoulder, shaking his head. It wasn't about Naruto at all.

It was about the hysteric understanding that not everything functioned on pink unicorns and rainbows painted over fucking genocides.

"Bas--"

"Heroes exist, Naruto." Kakashi interrupted, eye trained on something in the distance, "But they're always the ones that can't save themselves."

Naruto quietened down abruptly, blue eyes trained on the jonin's slouched figure.

"It's better you leave if you don't wanna die," Inari mumbled quietly, turning his back on the genin.

Sasuke was in too much of a good mood to actually roll his eye. But he tried anyway.

Did the kid really think no one else tried to tell these idiots that?

"Wait you--" Naruto tried, raising an arm, then stared at the boy's retreating figure, "Urgh. I'm gonna go after him."

"Hn." Sasuke glared, disapproving. The boy had a point.

"I'm not gonna do anything!" Naruto protested, throwing his hands in the air, "Just wanna talk to the stupid brat!"

Sakura, still an arm on his elbow for keeping him at bay, regarded the blonde under narrowed lashes.

"Oi! Brat!" Naruto called.

"He probably believes in Kamen Rider X too, Naruto!" she finally snapped, irritated at him picking fights with a kid,  "Stop acting like a complete idiot! You're the one who has to choose between Hokage and Hero."

"Shinobi rules this time too?" Naruto mocked, tone vitriol for the first time against the pinkette.

To her credit, Sakura only released her hold on his elbow in surprise. In a strange turn of events though, she met his glare with her own devoid of any hitting,  and hissed, "You think they'd write up something that vague for even idiots-for-Hokages to read?"

Kakashi answered for her, albeit more cheerily, "You can't have it all, Naruto-kun. Maybe Inari didn't."

Naruto gazed back at her for another second before his face started splitting into a slow grin.

Sasuke sidestepped again at the disturbing sudden atmosphere switch.

Naruto's battle morale vibes must really be prominent to just shift the air in the room like that.

"So you guys think I can be Hokage, huh?" he smiled wide.

Kakashi tilted his head slightly neither in agreement or otherwise.

"...Hn?" Sasuke confirmed and Tobi purred in agreement.

He was the protagonist, so obviously he'll get to where he wants to be. Isn't it how kiddy shows work? (Although how kiddy needed to be heavily extrapolated on with the almost lack of concern over killing)

"I'm gonna talk to the kid anyway, dattebayo!" Naruto announced, bolting for the stairs and almost tripping over his feet in excitement.

"NARUTO!" Sakura called.

Sasuke sighed. He didn't get half the things that happened in the room.

Crazy ninja kids.

Heavy contemplative silence hung in the room.

"Hn...?" Sasuke pointed out, shaking Tobi.

Kakashi rubbed his eyes wearily.

"Tsunami-san can take care of him, Sasuke-kun."  Sakura answered for him, shaking her head in exasperation.

Kakashi would like to take back everything he said about the kids selling themselves short.

They should have been selling themselves shorter.

"What's this chathra stuff, dattebayo?" Naruto squinted at the jonin, setting fire to his already fraying nerves.

"How the hell are you a ninja, idiot?" Sakura complained, "What did you even learn in the academy?!"

"Haha, I was sleeping when the harder classes came on, y'know and you remember Iruka-sensei hitting me with the book?"

Before it went way out of tangent, Kakashi mentally dragged a hand across his face since he was currently using it to hold on to his clutches and cleared his throat.

"Okay, can anybody tell me what you know about chakra?"

Sakura immediately perked up and produced a scroll from somewhere she had kept it sealed up.

"Chakra is a mix of our spiritual and physical energy," she said, unraveling the scroll to reveal a diagram of the human chakra points, "And we utilize this for..."

Good, Kakashi sighed, "It's not Iruka-sensei then. He has some good students."

He was awarded a wave of killing intent rising from Sasuke while Naruto promptly defended Iruka-sensei's honor, dattebayo!

"Right, so I'm going to teach you how to use it." Kakashi finally said, steering the conversation away from the chunin-sensei.

"But sensei," Sakura raised a hand in question, "Don't we already use it for Shadow clones and substitution?"

Kakashi chose to walk on trees and reveled in the two genin's surprise.

Sasuke seemed oddly unperturbed, even raising an eyebrow at the other two as if asking this is what's surprising you?

Well, he was Uchiha Itachi's brother, Kakashi mused, It wouldn't be a surprise if that kid had been walking on trees since he was born.

"This is the proper utilization of chakra. If you have your control down, you can use any ninjutsu." he stated, hopping down the tree, then added in a small voice, "...theoretically. Hopefully."

"First step to Hokage, dattebayo!" Naruto enthused, running head first into one of the thicker trees.

Sasuke laughed, dignifying, at the Uzumaki's first step to Hokagedom sliding off the tree bark and the blonde crumpling into the ground in a thud.

Tobi stared at him with judgemental red eyes.

Icha Icha paradise out, Kakashi leaned against a tree watching the sole Uchiha.

The boy prodded suspiciously at the brown surface, experimentally poking it with a toe as if it would grow heads if he didn't glare at it and tried to walk up.

He didn't fare much better, either leaving dents or slipping off.

Tobi indiscriminately stared at him too.

"Hey, I'm up!" Sakura waved, sticking her tongue out.

She was already perched high on a branch, feet dangling above the ground.

"Hn," Sasuke did a small clap of recognition with Tobi crawling out of his high-collared shirt to offer a sniff of approval.

"As expected of the girl I like, eh, Sakura-chan?" Naruto fist-pumped, waving back at her.

"This was easy!" Sakura beamed, flashing a million-watt smile.

Kakashi lightly tilted his head.

"Sakura seems to be a much better candidate for Hokage, Naruto," he commented off-handedly, the blonde's attention zeroing in on him seconds.

It was obvious he was trying to egg him on, Sasuke rolled his eyes, conveying his sentiments on the matter.

Indignant kettle noises were heard until Naruto cast his gaze downwards, delving into his thinking face, then squinted, "Oi, wait a minute! Sakura-chan, d'you wanna be Hokage?!"

Sakura seemed thoughtful for a second, then said blandly, "No. " she emoted stacking up papers and gestured outwards with her hands, "Too much to do, I think."

"There!" Naruto whirled his head towards the jonin, "Not Hokage!"

"Clever girl." Kakashi said, choosing to ignore the exuberant Naruto prancing around and debating about the Hokage position's honor with Sakura when he couldn't climb trees. That didn't work, so what riled Sasuke up?

"I expected the Uchiha clan to do better, mhm?" Kakashi settled on that, pausing at Sasuke mumbling eerily soft to the white rabbit.

Sasuke slowly leveled him with an unimpressed look.

Really? You're going to say that to the only Uchiha around here?

Okay, maybe that was a bit insensitive.

He let the silence fall and the Uchiha jab at the trees with his foot.

Dammit.

Kakashi's foot-in-mouth-syndrome seemed to be functioning at one hundred percent today.

Instead of working on his own tree-walking after a few attempts, Sasuke made a sweeping gesture at the pinkette.

Then hissed.

"Uh," Kakashi hid further into his mask, "What is it, Sasuke?" he kept himself from edging away from the insanity. Severe mental stress rendered some people selectively mute which he suspected Sasuke went through. But that didn't mean he could make heads or tails out of things when the boy did this.

"What'd you want, huh?" Naruto intercepted in the middle of his discourse about how people would respect you and there's an awesome tower, and you even get this photo album with the yondaime and people, dattebayo! in the face of Sakura's harsher arguments about threats against your life.

"Hn." Sasuke channeled with animosity, glaring at the pinkette. "Sakura. Ninjutsu."

Sakura gasped, jumping down from the tree and intelligently channeling chakra to the soles of her feet to break the fall.

"I'm not lazing around, Sasuke-kun!" she cried, scandalized," I'm not doing ninjutsu because I don't know how to!"

"Oh, and don't any of you know elemental jutsu?" Kakashi enquired out of curiosity, still pretending to read his book.

"Elephental what?" Naruto squinted at something in the distance.

"Um, I don't know my element." Sakura supplied.

"Hn." Sasuke agreed, not knowing what it was at all. Is it like pokemon?

"We start from the beginning." Kakashi sighed, then turned to the pinkette because he was now wise in the ways of Team Dynamics, "Sakura, what do you know about it?"

Sakura immediately perked up and recited a textbook on chakra affinity. She grabbed a straw and drew a wheel with tiny clip arts for fire, water, and such on it that even Naruto made a vague sense of.

"And water cancels out fire, get it?" Sakura finished, puffing her chest up in pride.

Yup, definitely pokemon, Sasuke nodded sagely.

Kakashi then handed them some kind of paper resembling litmus paper from chemistry labs and asked them to run chakra through it.

Naruto's paper shredded up almost immediately in alarming velocity.

 Sasuke's, on the other hand, cackled and fizzled, while Sakura's crumbled in her hands, also resembling thick, rain-drenched mud.

Lightning in the sky was one thing. But the same thing thrumming under his fingers was really spooking Sasuke out. So all these ninjas were glorified pokemon?

Red eyes glinted as Tobi watched the exchange. 

"Wind, Lightening, Water and Earth." Kakashi pointed at them, as if running through a checklist, then eyed Sasuke eerily, "That's interesting. We have everything except Fire."

Naruto stared, confused.

"You and teme get two, Sakura-chan?! That's no fair, dattebayo!" Naruto groused, crossing his arms.

"What do you mean? Sasuke-kun only has one, Naruto." Sakura corrected, frowning.

"No, I saw teme do the fire thing. Back when he was a shrimp."

Kakashi managed to project faint interest with only his eyes.

"Naruto, wind in the land of fire is rare, and Sakura will have a hard time coordinating her opposing affinities," he placated, looking up from the book, "But what was that about Sasuke using fire jutsu?"

Sasuke tensed up.

"The Uchiha are famous for their fire jutsu after all."

Oh so not a pikachu, Sasuke nodded sagely, a charman--

From his shoulder, Tobi made an array of noises ranging from mewls to purrs to downright terrifying growls.

Nope, not the time.

The agent looked directly at him, cool gaze assessing his throat gulping.

Naruto grumbled about "Special Sasuke-kun from fanshy-panshy Uchiha clan." from a corner before speaking again.

"Yeah, yeah, but that's like when he was thiiis tiny," he lowered his hands to his knees.

If he got out of this, passing for amnesia or PTSD or whatever, Uzumaki Naruto was going to die in his sleep, believe it.

How would he know what the Uchiha were famous for? The Grim Reaper had made sure he couldn't even read, let alone know someone's family history. 

Where was the NPC info dump when you needed them?

Tobi squeaked, batting his face with a paw aggressively.

"And you never used it before, Sasuke?"

"Hn." Sasuke grunted, clipped.

Cicadas chirped. 

Pronounced swooshes of the river slapping at the few rocks where it narrowed were broken up by Naruto whirling his head around, squinting.

"You tellin' me something, you?" he narrowed his eyes, which only looked like he was making crescent moons with them.

Sasuke cringed back from the blonde's face attacking his personal space.

"...Hn?"

A patch of white crawled out of his shirt, nipping at the balls of the pinkette's feet. 

"Hello, Nidaime-kun."  Sakura mouthed, gently picking Tobi up for the first time, leaving one hand free and prepared to shut her eardrums if necessary.

"YOU CALLIN' ME A LIAR, BASTARD--" Naruto yelled, raising a fist in the motion. The rest of his words were drowned by his own screaming and he yanked at the Uchiha's high-collars, bringing them nose to nose.

Dignity kept Sasuke from shrieking and he pushed at the blonde's chest.

"Naruto, stop doing that to Sasuke-ku--"

Sakura yelped her words out when Tobi bit down on her fingers hard enough to draw blood.

On the other side, Naruto was still on his feet and close. From this distance--Sasuke curled his lips--he could count Naruto's lashes.

Was it just him or were they getting close way too often? First the academy and now this--

"Okay, you look here, I climb the tree first, you're the liar, okay?" Naruto stated firmly, blues fixed menacingly on Sasuke's figure.

"Hn." Sasuke said, shaking his head frantically. This was stupid. How did that even work? How old was Naruto? Five?

A slow grin spread across the blonde's face, sending a shiver down Sasuke's spine.

He immediately regretted being quiet and not being able to converse well. Something told him that he should be bolting for the nearest water source to cleanse himself of the idiot's idiot germs but wait where's Tobi--

"Sasuke­-kun's a liar, you know what? We were at the book-shop and--"

With all his remaining life force, Sasuke lounged at the blonde, clamping his mouth shut.

"--orange book--"

"What's that?" Kakashi blinked in interest.

"Hn!" Sasuke shook him aggressively.

"--then--mphh--KOnoham--"

"When we were painting? Is--" Sakura popped up, still nursing her bitten finger and in the middle of glaring daggers at the rabbit.

"Hn." Sasuke almost cried, bemoaning the loss of his well-crafted dignity.

"--thEn buff knicker boxsher guy thre--"

"HN." Sasuke finally bellowed, rising up to his full height and running at the trees.

Naruto paused and cackled like the idiot he was from the ground, rubbing at his stomach.

"Hey, who's knicker boxer guy, Naruto?" Sakura quipped, still wrestling with the rabbit over where exactly he should be held. You call call the pinkette delusional, but not a quitter. And rabbits weren't changing that.

Sasuke screeched from a tree.

"Sorry Sakura-chan! I'll tell you later when bastard's not around, dattebayo!" Naruto giggled conspiratorially, dusting himself and running towards his own tree with an ululating battle cry.

Sakura inched away.

Splinters of bark attacked the pinkette and their jonin sensei, Sasuke flying off somewhere into the west after putting too much chakra with an unholy screech.

"Maa, Sakura-chan," Kakashi began, steering the pinkette away slowly, "How about...we go there?"

"So that you can read quality literature, sensei?" Sakura shot back, dry as the Suna deserts. She had finally managed to gather Tobi due to her largeness of heart, not wanting to leave the poor thing in the middle of this however stupid it was being."Want me to get out of your hair too?"

The pervert was implied heavily.

She liked to think Tobi looked equally judgemental.

"I'll show you some Earth jutsu?" Kakashi offered, clearly of the opinion that laziness could take a backseat if it meant getting out of here.

"Deal." Sakura agreed, grinning widely.

They walked towards the river, registering screaming chimpanzees from the distance.

Tobi vaguely hummed along the way rabbits did to the screams echoing throughout the forests.

Chapter Text

Fingers uncurled from his glass of water as Sasuke stared at a pillow stuffed into the futon under the blankets in place of an orange jumpsuit. 

And breathed.

Sakura rolled over once, clutching Tobi in a death grip.

Okay.

"Inari's father figure was crucified and amputated by Gato--all in front of the villagers." Tazuna sighed. "Don't... mind his brashness." 

Naruto looked across the table at the old man and turned his gaze downwards.

Sasuke grimaced.

The kid wasn't even that bad to apologize for his brashness. And crucified? This Gato persona was disgusting. 

He glanced at Kakashi from the corner of his eyes, who had his hands clasped in front of him and observing the room solemnly.

And these are only civilians.

"Naruto--" Sakura called after the Uzumaki who had jumped out of his chair, heading for the main door. "Where are you--"

A hand fisted the doorknob, and the blonde met her gaze behind his shoulder, resolute.

"Just you wait." he began, holding the door ajar, "I'm gonna show him a hero or die trying, believe it."

That was what he gathered from the conversation?

Sakura sighed.

They--even Sasuke-- did believe it. 

That was the problem.

The Uchiha vaguely registered the dull thud of the glass against the tatami mats. He was very politely sliding the door open and sprinting across the foggy countrysides before he could think about the damage the water did to them though.

What did that idiot think he was doing?! Sasuke cursed under his breath, In the crack of dawn, no less, stupid flashy blonde  getting out right after crazy other country hitman--

Sharingan whirling, Sasuke took in the minute rustling of the branches of the trees in the non-existent winds, whipping of bracken stalks against either, cicadas on said stalks--

It's not like he'd go after Zabuza himself, right? He couldn't be that stupid?

Sasuke gritted his teeth. The stupid bloodline limit was a pain in the temples without something to zero in on.

His eyes caught a familiar tuft of blonde--and the sharingan finally did what it was good at doing, zeroed in on the owner's orange profile. Sasuke paused. Searched for his kunai holster.

A figure--male or female, Sasuke couldn't tell even with the active sharingan (no, he wasn't ashamed to have zoomed in on the bust. This was important) was having a healthy discussion about the...

power of friendship?

Oh Gods did he run all the way for this? Was his character set up as the protagonist's teammate who walked in on him ranting? Did one-fourth of Sasuke Uchiha's chakra just dissipate into nothingness for a goddamn power of friendship speech?!

As Shinobi they were perfectly honorable, of course--if you excluded lying, espionage, assassinations, and reconnaissance from the job description. It was unreasonable that he had to be up at unreasonable hours to listen to unreasonable things further tainting their honor.

Sasuke groaned, dragged a hand over his face and walked over to Naruto.

"Woah, you're up early, Sasuke!" Naruto greeted cheerfully, in a particularly good mood, waving. "This is Haku! 

"Hn." Sasuke said, projecting an air of I see, then realized that he was seeing far too clearly and mentally slapped himself for not turning the sharingan off. This Haku persona could probably see him in a human trafficking cell, exchanged for some quick buck now. 

There could be worse ways to start the morning, Sasuke supposed. Like with a suddenly-dead teacher who succumbed to his injuries or something. He had nothing to gauge the severity of this chakra exhaustion thing against after all.

"I came for training!" Naruto informed him without any prompting.

"Hn." he said and peered at Haku who smiled at him to see if they were going to continue The Talk.

Naruto noticed his curiosity and jumped right into explanations, again, without any prompting. "She saw me takin' a break and we were talking about protecting friends and stuff --and it's not like I was talking about you, y'know-- you don't get to be smug over that, dattebayo." he huffed, arms crossed over his chest.

Aha, Sasuke's mental bell chimed, they're a she. But one look at Haku's amused humming was enough to see that Naruto had misjudged something spectacularly. Like always.

"Well then, Naruto-kun, Sasuke-san, I should be on my way now." Haku said politely before turning their back on the two. She gathered her bearings--which was just a few herbs and waved. "Thank you for the enlightening discussion and helping me with the herbs, Naruto-kun."

The blonde grinned and flashed a thumbs up. "Anytime, dattebayo! I'm from the leaf! Come visit!"

Faint remnants of the morning fog which had almost cleared up followed Haku into the trees. Naruto watched transfixed and murmured something about oh my god she's so much prettier than Sakura-chan and even you, bastard! as Haku disappeared into forests which team 7 had traveled through earlier to get to Wave.

Sasuk took a moment to huff at all the hormone-driven superficiality.

He crossed his arms channeling angst so that he wouldn't have to talk (Sakura was definitely going to bonk the idiot on the head for disappearing like that) and turned on his heel towards Tazuna's right when a clear voice rang through the forests.

"By the way, Naruto-kun?"

Haku shouted, and you could picture the smile on his face.

"I'm a boy!"

For a second Sasuke had to watch a pensive ah i see maybe im into guys too Uzumaki nodding sagely, until he took one good look at his teammate Uchiha and the gears in Naruto's head ran at full speed. It tried to slow down with an audible creak and halted with a screech.

"Wha,"

Sasuke took and deep breath.

Then noticed the smoke wafting from the blonde's ears and snorted.  It was a slow process. But he gasped after a second, then flaunt his own brand of cackling madly after nodding approvingly with one nice, polite, "Hn" between shaking at Naruto before laughing again. 

"WHAT?!"

Stretching those facial muscles so much for this body was as foreign as the new callouses he got while practicing how to cook, but.

The screeches of shut up, bastard!s and the half-hearted attempt at sucker punching were definitely worth the trouble.

"Wow, Naruto!' Sakura exclaimed, craning her neck to observe the blonde perched high up on a tree branch, "You climbed so high!"

"That I did, heh," Naruto affirmed cheekily, draping himself over the length of said tree branch, "See how awesome I am?"

The pinkette was already asking Kakashi questions about his stamina and chakra.

"Oi! Listen to me!' the blonde thrashed, and his eyes popped out when one of his hands didn't land where they were supposed to.

"What the--" Sakura shrieked, "Naruto!"

"If you fall from there--" Kakashi extended a hand, as if to catch the blonde from the impossible height.

Naruto was tumbling down, signaling everyone away and yelling when his feet pulled towards the branch. 

Feet glued to the underside of the branch, Naruto crossed his arms. He dangled upside down and grinned, smug.

"You stupid idiot!" Sakura chided, the blonde sticking his tongue at her, then wiggled his bottom when-- " What did you think you were--Naruto!"

Naruto rocketed into the ground, head first, and Sakura screamed. Somebody else shrieked along with her, but she wasn't in the right state of mind to register that.

Just when she thought all hope was lost and they would seal Naruto paste into their scrolls for the graveyard, a hand circled around the blonde's ankle, Uchiha Sasuke grimacing at his new inverted position.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura released a sigh of relief she didn't know she had been holding in, but it promptly flew out of her system when the Uchiha fell too.

Sakura shook her sensei by the elbow like a ragdoll, crying over her soon-to-be-dead teammates, when Kakashi yelled, "Doton: Yomi Numa!"

Sasuke squealed all the way down, not letting go of the blonde's ankles and Naruto wiggled his feet to free himself.

" Let--" Naruto managed, gritting his teeth, " Go--I--AHHHH--"

He collided head-first, mouth-open, tongue out into a swamp of mud, Sasuke right behind his trail. The genin sputtered and spit out mud and water, Kakashi gingerly extending a hand to pull one of them--specifically Naruto since Sasuke still had a bruising grip on his ankle--out.

"Hn." Sasuke implored, abhorrent, pointing at himself, and mimed water.

He tended to his nice, shiny hair now caked in mud and dust and glaring daggers at the blonde idiot who didn't seem to care about his jumpsuit at all.

Naruto seemed oddly subdued, subtly disgusted at the filth in his throat and tried to choke himself by putting two fingers into his mouth.

That was so unsanitary! Sasuke shuddered, inching away from the blonde.

"I think there's a river right down the corner, there--" Sakura pointed at a clearing leading to a narrower path, "It's...better you two go together? Safety?"

Naruto threw his hands up in defeat, still making gurgling noises. His eyes rolled back to his head while tilted upwards, and Sasuke rushed into the clearing right behind the Uzumaki, flexing his fingers in loathing.

Kakashi watched the genin go, wondering how the hell he ended up here. They were improving, sure, but at what cost? His threadbare sanity?

Then he gazed back at the pinkette, who seemed to be frowning with a contemplative look. When she caught him staring cautiously, she grabbed him by the elbow again, a malicious grin making it's way to her face.

"Did you see what that did to them? They were so quiet!" Sakura giggled, shaking him with a weird glint in her eye, "Can you teach me that, sensei?? I swear I learned the other rock one!"

"Maa, Sakura-chan, that's an A-rank jutsu and it takes fine control to gauge how deep--"

"You told me my control's good!" she tried not to whine, looking a hair short of stomping her foot on the ground petulantly, "Just show me the signs and how to do it! I'll try out the rest myself."

Then she flashed him big, wet, puppy eyes which weren't supposed to work on him, goddamit, he was Kakashi of the Sharingan, master of a thousand jutsu!

"I'll keep the boys out of your way for the whole week." she finally bargained solemnly, and Kakashi could see her face switching.

"Deal." Kakashi agreed, sauntering towards the outer edge of the forest where there was plenty of mud for some digging. He made a note never to trust hellish genin puppy face ever again.

Somewhere from the pure lands, he could hear his own sensei cackling with Kushina-nee.

Sakura ran a hand through her hair, picking it apart from her bun, mumbling about muddy it was, yuck.

Kakashi grinned surreptitiously beneath the mask. 

Hey, he told her this wasn't an easy jutsu. If she had to take five or six baths a day you couldn't blame him.

In the privacy of his room, Inari scanned one of the only photos he had of Kaiza.

Admittedly, it was pretty embarrassing to have cried in front of the leaf ninja while warning them, but what could he do?

They were so stubborn.

Especially that Uzumaki brat.

He ran a thumb along the cross-shaped scar marring Kaiza's chin.

''You're a stupid sissy! Always crying and acting like you're super strong!"

He didn't want any more of these so-called heroes dying.

"Even though I lied to you about the mission," Tazuna began, frowning, "Why did you still agree to help me?"

Kakashi paused in the middle of his push-ups with the old man and Sakura on his back.

"Because shinobi have their duties," he replied breezily, balancing himself on his index finger. His chakra was flowing fine now, then continued with his push-ups, "The previous Hokage said there are things more important than money."

Sakura hummed, impressed.

From the cot, Sasuke scoffed (there was a lack of space on Kakashi's back).

Shinobi and honor, Sasuke rolled his eyes, petting Tobi right behind his ears. He had the weird urge to refute that. Say something. But what...

"Samurai," he settled, frowning at the other two.

"What?" Tazuna frowned at him, "Samoo-ray?"

"Did you mean samurai, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura offered, not quite sure herself. Sasuke-kun always had a strange accent, calling her "Sa-ekura" instead of "Sah-kura."

"Hn." he agreed, seeming bored.

"Well, I suppose they are samurai ideals to an extent." Kakashi answered, still continuing his push-ups, "It's said that the Senju brother's mother was from a samurai family in Iron."

Tobi jumped into the pinkette's arms in one clean swoop.

"Technically," Sakura defended the Senju brothers passionately, logic not as incoherent as Naruto's but still cutting close and ignoring the rabbit crawling around her back somehow, "Shinobi didn't have rules until they made rules, so it's fine!" 

Kakashi eyed her warily. She would make a convincing politician if she ever chose to.

Maybe she was good competition for Hokage.

"Where's the other brat again?" Tazuna glanced to his sides, checking for the orange whirlwind. A fraction of fear crept into his voice, "...and Inari?"

"He's stalking Naruto-kun, dad." Tsunami laughed, emerging from the kitchen, "He probably doesn't know, but Inari's attached to him like glue."

Sasuke sighed long-sufferingly. 

They really shouldn't be encouraging that. What if the kid says he wants to be a ninja tomorrow?

One minion was enough, thank you very much.

The hunter nin's attacks were on point, precise, and Sasuke's sharingan didn't have time to fall into a rapport like when they sparred in the academy.

Maybe because this wasn't the academy?

Oh well, he didn't have the mental capacity to register that at the moment.

Exploding tags whirled past him, the hunter nin's ankle getting caught in one of the traps Sakura discreetly set up. He--she?--They, fine, they glided across the second wire, and lounged towards the pinkette cursing her angle.

They were prancing around in the goddamn river, and Sakura at it's banks (where she should stay) guarded Tazuna while trying to loop more wires into each other.

"I have to kill you now," the hunter nin said dispassionately, and Sasuke surpressed a flinch.

All of a sudden razer sharp and equally thin needles swerved past him, Sasuke taking some of its brunt with his elbow, and dodging the others while parrying kicks and punches from the assassin.

"You shouldn't be underestimating my brats like that, Zabuza," Kakashi mocked, dab-smack in the middle dodging a swing of the thousand-tonne -sword, "Sasuke's the leaf's rookie of the year--"

Oh no.

"--Sakura's the brightest in her grade, and we also have the #1 Hyperactive Knucklehead ninja in our little motley crew."

Oh no no no. Couldn't these people live without monologues for one second?

Zabuza smirked,  "Then we'll have to see."

The wave of needles receded, earth--water? trumulous against the soles of his sandals. Sasuke risked a glance of his sharingan down, and in a horrendorously slow motion, cubicles of ice arose, trapping Sasuke from all sides.

-- Yes, it distracted the enemy. But sometimes----

The truly mortifying thing was standing around cradling your injured hand while the world slowed down on you, eyes bleeding red--Sasuke gritted his teeth, not sparing a glance at his reflection on the mirror.

A shower of needles--what seemed to be a thousandfold flew past him, and Sasuke barely resisted crouching to avoid the stings--

--sometimes. You don't involve other people in it.

Shaking hands forming tight fists, Inari snarled at his the twin shinobi Gato hired, "Leave my mom alone!"

"Aw, you got a playdate around here, shrimp?" the first one taunted, then discussed in hushed tones, "Think we gotta take him too?"

The other muscled man shrugged, "Boss said one hostage's enough."

Tsunami grimaced from the floor, nails digging into her palms. She mouthed at the brat to go away but he stood there resolutely, and she couldn't see her baby go--

"If you want someone take me!" she yelled at the duo, "I--"

The first man yanked at her hair, and Tsunami bit back a scream.

"Go, Ina--"

"NO, MOM--"

A shuddering impact shook Tsunami's body as the first man blasted off into one of the trees. A shuriken struck his right thigh and he howled in pain.

A feet connected with the second one's jaw, and before they could react, both men were tied up on a tree by a smiling Uzumaki Naruto.

"I'm here!" he grinned, "Thanks for distracting them!"

"N-Naruto!"

"Sorry, kid." Naruto grimaced, patting him on the head, "I shouldn't have called you a sissy, dattebayo."

Inari's lips tugged downwards and he started full-out crying, Naruto squinting and panicking at what to do.

Tsunami sat down on her knees, reaching out.

"Oi, kid--"

"N-No, I was weak and I'm crying!" Inari cried even louder, dabbing at his eyes. More poking and it would come out.

A pang of nostalgia hit Naruto's chest, at him thinking the exact same thing with Iruka-sensei.

"I'm wea--"

"Kid!" Naruto called seriously, tilting the boy's chin upwards. Inari stubbornly kept his eyes on the ground. "Kid." Naruto tried again, and this time, when he looked up, Naruto flashed his best smile, "It's okay to cry when you're happy, you know! Nothing weak 'bout that!"

To his extreme relief and confusion, the kid kept crying even through a watery smile, and the old drunkard's nice daughter burst into laughter.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura's voice echoed, "Tazuna-san, I need to--"

"Go on." Tazuna nodded grimly, seriously, as if that was the correct thing to do when it was not and she would die what the hell was Kakashi doing--

She aimed a kunai at the hunter nin's jugular which they caught with alarming speed, rendering Sakura immobile. Her face contorted into one of helplessness when--

A shuriken slammed into the hunter nin's side profile, Zabuza's minion barely dismantling it by grasping it between two now-bleeding fingers.

"Uzumaki Naruto to the rescue!" Naruto cheered, landing headfirst into the ice mirror.

He sent some more shuriken at the hunter nin, who sidestepped them devoid of grace, and said, "Zabuza-sama, these kids...Let me take care of them my way."

Zabuza grinned, crooked, under his wrappings, "Always so soft, huh? Well, do it your way then."

Kakashi and Zabuza continued with their kicks, blows and stupidly huge justu.

And Sasuke? Sasuke screamed.

Naruto stared for a  moment at the bastard's profile.

Was he that hurt? Wait till he gets his hands on that stupid masked guy--

"Naruto." Sasuke hissed, not caring about the needles anymore, then threw his head back as if he was biting off another scream.

The hunter nin seemed vaguely disconcerted over his mental state, but Sasuke couldn't bring himself to care anymore. 

Did Naruto just do that? Jump into the fucking ice prison he couldn't find any cracks in even with his sharingan on?

They were doomed. And he was going to take a thirteen-year-old with him.

"Uh...Sasuke?" Naruto prodded, opting to call him by his name, "...does it hurt?"

"HN," Sasuke denied with fervor, not wanting to talk to the boy at all.

The hunter nin was now monologuing about the true pain of being a shinobi 

"Please don't hate me for killing you. We just have conflicting goals."

...and basically a short summary about how you needed to kill in this world to survive with Sasuke banging his head against the ice walls.

Which the hunter nin tried to ignore politely, giving him space.

"Uh...go, Sasuke! Naruto!" Sakura tried to cheer, without any honorifics, unsure of what she should be doing.

"No, Sakura." Kakashi stopped her seriously, "They aren't ready to sell their hearts and know what it is to be a shinobi yet."

Zabuza chuckled, "They're weak, unlike Haku who knows what is to be a shinobi. A shinobi kills, and that is impossible in a peaceful village like yours. A perfect tool."

No? The kids were perfectly okay with Zabuza dying?

A white patch of fur clawed at Sakura's feet.

"You say peaceful like it's a bad thing! Technically," she said, already feeling the migraine forming. Zabuza and Kakashi-sensei were talking and Sasuke was having a mental breakdown with a very worried Naruto beside him, "Shinobi didn't have rules until Konoha made them or definitions, so you can't just tell us what a true shinobi by pitching in your own definitions if you don't respect our definitions and--"

"There!" Naruto yelled from a few feet over, apparently comprehending the loophole. Sometimes his hearing scared Sakura, "Sakura-chan beat you at your own game, idiot!"

Zabuza pretended as if nothing happened and swung his sword around at the copy-nin--who very professionally seemed like he wanted to disappear.

"I leave them to you, Haku!" Zabuza called before running off into the distance with their sensei.

Naruto processed.

The hunter nin, now Haku, coughed asking if Sasuke was done with his emotional episode.

"Wait a minute." he furrowed his brows, delving into his thinking face with his gaze downcast. Then his jaw dropped comically, "You're Haku?!"

It was as if a switch flipped.

The murderous intent in the ice prison disappeared completely from Naruto's side.

A mask dropped to the ground, the hunter nin shedding it while sighing. It revealed a delicately set face with lips so pink it seemed painted on.

Which they--he now, probably did.

"Why do you stay with him, Haku?" Naruto shouted at him, one hand patting Sasuke's back, "He called you a tool!"

"We shinobi are tools, Naruto-kun. When I was younger, my father--"

"Hn." Sasuke interrupted pointedly.

When he had the other two's attention, the Uchiha pat the ground next to where he was kneeling, head resting on the ice. Naruto seemed confused, but then brightened up when he saw more aggressive tapping at the ground.

The blonde settled on the grass cheerfully, "C'mon, sit! We'll talk sitting, dattebayo!"

"...sure." Haku conceded, rightly apprehensive and sitting in seiza opposite to them. "I suppose I could explain my goals, Naruto-kun..."

"Your father?" Naruto urged, crossing his legs.

"Yes, so my father..."

Sasuke was sure he couldn't get any more disgusted at the ninja world at this point. 

"Bloodline limits were feared in Kiri--"

A brief screech from Sakura resounded through the ice.

Before Naruto could crane his eyes to check, even when he couldn't exactly see through the mist, Sasuke banged his head against the ice wall.

Here they were, chatting amicably while Sakura or Kakashi died.

The situation outside seemed to have diffused with Kakashi yelling, "Sakura, focus on protecting Tazuna!"

The pinkette muttered something along the lines of "Come with me!"

Naruto pat the Uchiha on the back, concerned--for a lack of better words, and Haku dipped his hand into his pack.

"Maybe some herbs could help then needle's sting?"

Sasuke groaned at the insanity.

Meeting the copy nin's water dragon with his own, Zabuza turned his eyes towards the ice mirror.

That area was too quiet--not even battlecries--and when he ran his eyes through the landscape for the ice mirrors...

...he couldn't see.

No, no, it had to be the mist, Zabuza assured himself and skirted a little closer to the mirror.

There was no mirror.

Haku could be fighting in the forests if the other brats broke the mirror, he reasoned, the orange one was crafty as fuck.

He spread his chakra for a quick search away from the mirror when--

"Oi, Hatake!" Zabuza called, "Where the fuck are the brats?"

"They're at hearing range," Kakashi hissed, weirdly scandalized, "And you're swearing."

Zabuza couldn't see the problem was, and it must have shown on his face since the copy-nin continued.

"Rule three in any teaching guide is you don't swear," he frowned, emoting amplified with both eyes open, then quickly got over it, retreating back into his drawl, "Maa, you have an apprentice yourself, don't you?"

Why he seemed like he actually read one or two of those books, Zabuza didn't know, and he most certainly didn't care for the Hatake's peculiarities.

He's had enough of his share of weird bingo-book-level shinobi including that red-haired fishnet harpy.

"That's none of your fucking business," he said, swinging his sword once, twice, and substituting behind the nin.

At the Hatake ducking and shushing frantically sending glances towards the pink one's way, Zabuza scoffed.

"Where are your brats? What the fuc--"

A frantic shush.

"--dge did they pull?"

"Much better," Kakashi pretended to wipe a bead of sweat off his hitai-ate, eyes flickering over to the ice mirror to check on the other two, "And--"

Wait.

Where was the ice mirror?

He ran his sharingan over a force field of chakra of some sort...a barrier?

"Oi! What'd you find?!" Zabuza tched, almost slicing him into two.

Kakashi dodged evenly and frowned. That reminded him of...

"Nothing you should be concerned about." Kakashi said cheekily, making hand signs for another mud jutsu, "Tool, was it?"

"And then Zabuza-sama took me in."

"That still doesn't make you a tool! You're your own person with dreams and stuff, dattebayo!" Naruto chided, then added for the fifth time, "My dream's being the Hokage by the way."

Haku nodded serenely like the last four times.

The mist intensified, and the air zapped with chakra. 

A small man in a tasteless suit boarded the handles of the bridge, arms crossed and smug across Kakashi.

"Ah, Zabuza of the hidden mist, huh? You can't even take care of a single old man." he tut-tutted, "I'll take care of that now!"

"Anyone you know?" Kakashi said mildly, "I'd like it if that was Gato." 

Zabuza howling profanities lasted for some time.

"It's not about that, Naruto-kun, shinobi--"

"Shinobi are tools of who they want to be, Haku! It's like any other job out there!" Naruto reasoned,

Any job out there inlcuding--

argh just no. He'll try again later when he feels right in the head.

"You even got out of that shithole Mist place then whose forcing you to be a tool now, dattebayo?!

Sasuke stared at the pep-talk. How Naruto was making it sound logical--or if it even was logical he didn't know, and he didn't have the mental capacity to process it either.

Screams of other shinobi erupted around them and Haku jolted up.

"I need to help Zabuza-sama!"

"As a friend!" Naruto added for her. "Not tools!"

Both of them turned towards the Uchiha for an obligatory mental check-over.

Slowly, Sasuke picked himself up, Naruto unnecessarily hovering over him as if in help, and dusted his shorts.

"Hn." he sighed, deeply, long sufferingly.

The mirror shattered.

He eyed the yellow paper crinkled at his feet and tore through them.

"Didn't have that brat of yours, Za-bu-za-sama of the Mist?" Gato sneered, duly cackling maniacally, "I'll get you for threatening me, rascal! You will know money!"

"Haku!" Zabuza ignored the tiny man, whirling his head around, and vaguely panicked "Where the hell are you, you--Don't you dare die on me--"

"Zabuza-sama!" Haku answered, running towards him with Naruto and Sasuke at his heels.

"Where were you, stupid brat," Zabuza chuckled, but it seemed a great deal more relieved.

"Language," Haku admonished with a small smile.

"NO, YOU LOOK HERE, FREAK-FACE, " Naruto stomped over to the mist nin, fuming. He rolled his orange sleeves up his arm, a surprised Haku giving him way. "D'YOU KNOW WHAT HAKU WOULD'VE DONE?! HE DOESN'T THINK LIFE'S WORTH LIVING WITHOUT YOU! YOU THINK THAT'S CHEESY, YEAH? IT'S STUPID YOU PEDO PERV AND--" 

"--Naruto!" Kakashi dragged him by the elbow, but the blonde shook him off, jabbing his index finger at a very confused Zabuza's chest.

Kubikiribocho was a comfortable twenty centimeters away from Naruto's throat, that Sasuke observed with his Sharingan and turned his eyes towards the heavens to grant him strength.

Gato caught his eye.

Sasuke whistled in an attempt of denying being in cohorts with these people.

It didn't work. He had forgotten that he didn't exactly know how to whistle.

"--and you think he's a stupid tool? Don't you bring the bullshit about being worried only because he's a tool because you clearly consider him a comrade and say it to his face, idiot--"

A pep talk about proper communication. Joy, Sasuke remarked in the back of his head. But he was kind of impressed with it, even with the wariness so he said in reluctant support, "Hn."

An aneurysm would take Kakashi any moment now, and he slowly released his hold over the blonde's elbow, taking deep breaths.

He prayed this Naruto was a clone but--nope, no such luck, Sasuke looked equally judgemental but drawn towards the madness.

Then, to Kakashi's absolute horror, the Hidden Swordsmen of the Mist, the Momochi Zabuza actually responded to Naruto, "Don't get full of yourself! He's a--''

''--a friend! NOT-a-tool!" Naruto screamed at his face, "You think Haku knows you value him? Like he's some magical unicorn who's supposed to know what you're feeling and what you're not, bastard? Just because Haku's awesome doesn't mean he 's--he's Teuchi-san, dattebayo!" Naruto finished passionately, index finger still on the mist nin's chest and this Teuchi-san some omniscient being.

"Hn." Sasuke supplied from a corner in support, because however stupid this was, the blonde had a point.

The other hired shinobi cleared their throats awkwardly.

"Right," Kakashi breathed deeply, through the mask, raising a hand, "We're getting there. After this," he said, then stopped for a moment when he realized Zabuza had a far away look on his face and was still playing along, "Whatever this is."

Gato sniffed in disdain.

For the sake of his sanity, Kakashi decided to ignore this situation for the time being and turned to the relatively sane person--the young girl? boy? person? hovering above Zabuza.

"I take that you're not working for Gato anymore?" Kakashi inquired, running a hand through his hair.

"I'll take care of Tazuna-san here." the person--Haku? reassured, smiling.

"Great," Kakashi relaxed, then rotated on his heel towards the other shinobi, "Maa, I'm afraid you won't get a showdown with Zabuza of the Hidden Mist, settle for me?"

With the time taken to snap a particular swordsman's entire moral compass, the shinobi let out an ululating battle cry, charging at him as Kakashi got ready to kunai them in the guts when his ears picked up on slight creaking.

He frowned in the general direction of the bridge.

Then quietly watched as the entire thing fell apart with a horrified Gato plunging into the water.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura waved happily, gingerly water-walking and kunai positioned to slit the throat of the man in glasses choking on the river water, "I got him!"

Tazuna made a strangled sound.

"The bridge!" he cried, folding his arms behind his head, "I'll have to build it all over again!"

"Ah," Kakashi turned, not sure what to address first. He decided to go for Tazuna first, "Consider it pay for the mission?"

"Shinobi honor?" Tazuna gave him a stink eye.

"Maa, that's a samurai thing." Kakshi cheered blithely, getting rid of the last two shinobi who didn't get caught in the rubble and got to rushing over towards the pinkette working on tying up a thrashing Gato to a tree stump.

Kakashi was slightly uncomfortable leaving Naruto and Sasuke with Zabuza just like that, but...

"--so now d'you get it, dattebayo! All you gotta do is talk! Talking's no weakness for a shinobi!" Naruto continued ranting, index finger withdrawn at the moment but grasping a supportive Sasuke laughing at Tazuna's plight by the elbows, "And the thing you said 'bout shinob and tools? That is such bullshit because that was the mist being bastards and you better fix that, and d'you want help--"

This time, Naruto seemed like he meant what he was saying instead of stalling for time with fake sympathies or pep talks, so Sasuke nodded, "Hn."

Kakashi watched one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, the terrifying Momochi Zabuza flicker his gaze towards his companion as if he a plea for help.

"Right, Haku?!" Naruto whirled his head around her an extra opinion.

"I have to agree," Haku agreed as if it was a life-or-death decision.

"Traitor." Zabuza mouthed petulantly but was cut off by a ranting blonde.

"Oh no you dOnt, look here, it's not being a traitor, datteba--"

...but, Kakashi supposed, half-panicking, that Sakura, who had keeled over for some reason might be in need of his assistance more.

"Chakra exhaustion?" Kakashi inquired mildly, eyeing the wire set up around the feet of the bridge and traces of repeated protruding earth jutsu.

"Ouch." Sakura squeaked, turning over.

Kakashi released a breath he didn't know he had been holding.

"Hey, I'll pay you double of what--"

"Where did you get those barrier seals?" he asked curiously, hanging the pinkette on his shoulder and inspecting her for damages, "Reminds me of the T&I division's prototype ones."

"--are you listening to me! You can make it rich, fucking ninj--"

"Vision ones? Ino." Sakura croaked, "Just thought it'd be inconvenient if Zabuza saw them talking."

Both of them ignored Gato hurling curses at them.

"Well, " Kakashi said, observing the hordes of people headed for Gato, full-speed, "Good job. Our work here is done."

Inari smiled into the sunrise, almost tumbling over with the wood pieces in his hands.

"Careful there!" a voice came from behind him, snagging half of his load.

"Naruto-nii!" he beamed, whipping his head at the blonde, "Weren't you packing up?"

Naruto swatted his hands around, pointing at his pack, "Yeah, yeah, I'm done. It's Sakura-chan and the bastard, taking so much time in the bath, " he made a blerghh sound, "We're waiting for blue man and Haku so we can see them off, dattebayo--Oh wait! There they are!"

The blonde raced to the front of Tazuna's how with a bright Inari in tow, waving at Haku.

"Hey! Are you leaving now?" he bobbed up and down.

"They probably are," Kakashi answered, emerging from the door, Sakura and Sasuke following him.

Haku smiled warmly at the team, bowing, "Thank you for your help, everyone."

Zabuza stubbornly stared at the remains of the bridge, not looking at them.

"Oh no, it wasn't us!" Sakura mimicked manners although all she wanted to do was fistbump everyone in the nearby vicinity, "The things happening in Mist sound horrible and it's the people of Wave who agreed to help out--not us, after all."

"But talking on our behalf was appreciated." Haku let then know politely, nudging Zabuza pointedly in the ribs asking him to be courteous.

"Work on your communication, got it?" Naruto glared at the mist nin, "Treat Haku better!"

"Hn." Sasuke agreed, petting Tobi. He had stayed away from his dear baby for so long. Whatever anyone said the rabbit had top self preservation instincts.

"I gotta be treated better, unfair, all of this is, fuc--" Zabuza grumbled, then caught Kakashi's eye which was oddly crinkled, so he quickly amended "--dging unfair--"

"Until we meet again, then." Haku bid, walking into the sunrise.

To their surprise though, Zabuza remained planted on the ground, staring directly at Sasuke.

"Hn...?" Sasuke enquired, cringing away from the imposing figure.

Zabuza huffed.

"You givin' me that rabbit or not?"

Sasuke immediately fell into a protective stance, one hand shielding Tobi and the other on his kunai holster. He narrowed his eyes at the befuddled mist nin, and his very nice (for the time being) teammates--excluding the stupid agent--shielded him with frowns on their faces.

"Look kid," Zabuza shook his head, exasperated, "That's my--"

"We're not letting you eat Nidaime-kun!"

"What."

"Just because you used it for substitution once doesn't make Tobi yours however stupid he is, sometimes!" Sakura chided.

"Tobi?"

Kakashi slowly pried the tangle of children fingers away from the rabbit, "Maa, maa, let's let him explain himself, hm?" he said, then eye-smiled at the mist nin, "Though I hope you aren't going to eat Nidaime-kun --the children have gotten a bit attached to him, you see."

"What's wrong with you leaf nin?" Zabuza groaned; if only people listened to him, "How do you think I found you? That's my summon!"

Blissful silence.

Naruto and Inari dropped the logs.

"What."

One of the logs rolled over to Sasuke's toe.

"HN."

They were a good way into the forests, trotting evenly towards the borders of Konoha. It seemed slightly unnatural after all that mist and dampness that Konoha would remain perfectly blistering with the sun's heat, but Team Seven supposed they could adjust.

"Hn." Sasuke said, stroking Tobi's fur and tilting the summoning scroll.

"I know right! His image crumbled! Cute fluffy rabbits and big buff Zabuza!" Sakura shook her head, starting a conversation, "I still don't get why he didn't cancel the summon. So much chakra."

"Ah, the pact he made was to let Tob disperse whenever the summon wants to," Kakashi reasoned, in an I-should-know tone, "He should've been more careful with summoning rules."

An orange figure landed on the ground near Sasuke, and he shoved the Uzumaki away. Naruto had been so excited about having learnt tree-walking that he was only walking on trees now. Kakashi had lightly warned that the backaches would be horrible but apparently, the blonde's ungodly stamina helped some.

"At least we get to keep Nidaime-kun!" Naruto cheered, and Sasuke nodded sagely in satisfaction.

Zabuza had all but thrown the scroll at them and demanded they take it when he realized he could, in fact, sic it on them. Haku seemed vaguely sad to see it go though, so Naruto screamed loudly about how visitor rights were still not revoked and that he could meet up with them sometime.

Now Sasuke had a rabbit, he smirked.

A nice, white, fluffy rabbit.

"Wait." Sakura paused, eyebrows furrowing, "What was the mission again?"

The three looked at her.

"Why, what's wrong, Sakura-cha-" Naruto began.

"Escort the bridge builder to the bridge," she recited, then slowly groaned, "Then our unofficial second phase was keeping the bridge safe! Technically, I blew it up!"

Kakashi lowered his book.

"So we failed the mission?" Naruto squinted, not seeing the problem, "It's not like we conned him or anything, yeah?"

"Well, Sakura," Kakashi put a hand on her shoulder, then offered, "If it comforts you, technically we didn't fail it on paper either. As far as the mission desk needs to know, the second mission could have been keeping the people safe since it was unofficial anyway."

Sakura stared back, vaguely impressed by the legal loopholes their sensei had perfected.

Sasuke pressed his lips together from snorting the way home. Technically, he didn't give a flying fuck about what happened to the bridge as long as they dealt with Gato.

But builder "sporadic-morality-when-it-suits-him" Tazuna's pained wailings was a nice bonus.

"So." Naruto said after a while, interrupting the peace and quiet of the forest, "D'you all think Haku's a boy or...."

"Guess who's having a sexuality crisis?" Sakura teased, nudging him in the ribs.

"So not!"

"So yes."

..and they squabbled.

Sasuke pretended to huff in exasperation, exchanging glances with Kakashi.

He shook his head, hopefully thinking the same thing Sasuke was.

Kids looked much better doing this instead.

Chapter Text

The buildings were dark by now, the half-visible moon casting a pale glow on the bright store-lights. Tiny decor bulbs patterned together to form the words Sharpened kunai, the bulbs flickering out at the tail end of kunai, revealing deep-red letters under the lights making it look like it had been singed.

Sasuke shielded his eyes from the offending lights and squinted at what it might mean.

This was the closest to his apartment (not the Uchiha main house but one close to the compound. He had flicked his things into a pack and ran for dear life from that place).

Teasing murmurings of "To the kunai?" or, "Here to sharpen up?" were heard, but the words were a little too long to be just "kunai", right? or who knew with how squiggly Japanese was?

Whatever, Sasuke shrugged, even it wasn't whatever and he really wanted to know what was written, he's here for a drink and he'd leave after he gets what's his.

Shoving his hand in his pocket, the Uchiha counted his coins by touch. Good, he probably had enough.

Now that he was genin and legally an adult in accordance with ninja laws (thank fangirl for ranting about moving out three years later at least three thousand times), Sasuke realized that well, he owed himself a drink.

For not going insane even after what was happening to him.

The Uchiha wriggled past a few drunk shinobi who had their arms around each other, and others who were crowding the doorstep.

Not that he had ever tried to drink before the black truck,--he was somewhat of a study-machine aiming for top grades with his megalomaniac tendencies like his stupid little cousin put it--but it was one of the things that had been in the back of his mind.

Which he would now be doing.

If some of the shinobi sent him glances, then they were hiding it well.

Also, old enough to kill, old enough to drink and all that, you know?

Sasuke propped his elbow at the red counter, settling into a barstool at the right corner from which his leg dangled a few inches from the ground.

The bar was a moderately-dimly lit place--not going fully, properly semi-dark, even if it was around ten. Probably because it was a place where paranoid shinobi prowled around, and Sasuke heaved a sigh. There were two people to his left--a guy with a senbon sticking out of his mouth, waving around a short glass of vodka, and woman fanning wild dark hair and deep red eyes chatting animatedly.

He vaguely recalled seeing her somewhere? A sensei?

Most of the others in the bar were far-off, in couches, and Sasuke didn't bother checking them over. He pretended to be staring off into space, not ordering anything.

Just needed to catch a little bit of those shinobi's conversation so that he could make out what vodka was in japanese to place his order, just a little closer...

When the raven-haired woman suddenly frowned from across him and leaned closer.

"Oi, Gen check for me, I'm--could--urgh definitely be tipsy here," Kurenai shoved the bandana-clad man on the shoulder, "Is that Uchiha-kun? The small one? Why am I seeing Uchiha-kun?"

"Wait, what?" Genma frowned, balancing himself on his left elbow to turn around, "You see him too?"

"What'd you mean see him too?" Kurenai slurred, heavily disoriented by her colleague's totally inexcusable behavior, "You saw him already? Why didn't you say so?"

"Because I'm tipsy and he can't be real?" Genma offered.

"Fair point." Kurenai conceded. "Can't be."

The bartender who seemed positively elated at drama came rushing, propping her own elbow at the other side of the table, "What if he's real?"

"Can't be." Kurenai denied, shaking her head, then checked off her fingers, "It's too stupid to be real. We're too tipsy to be real."

"You're too tipsy to be real?" the bartender repeated the slip with glee, "We're talking Uchiha-kun."

"Stop making me an idiot, Anko!" she snapped, then frowned, "Wait a minute, what are you doing on that side of the counter?"

"The next thing you know you'll say my booty call ain't real either, babe."  Anko blew a kiss, signaling at her barely buttoned bartender shirt and calls that seemed suspiciously alike to the original  bartender's rising from the staff room.

"Whoo," Genma whistled, then waved a hand around smirking, "Didn't order a show though."

"As if you could afford me." Anko leaned closer.

"Stop! But is that Uchiha-kun?" Kurenai reiterated like the caring new sensei she was, frowning in Sasuke's general direction where he was stealthily abandoning the bar stool, "Because if it is, he's slipping away."

Abruptly, Genma snagged the kid by the arm.

Sasuke's eyes zapped open to meet the other shinobi's.

Genma's eyes were equally wide saucers.

When they didn't need to be, since he was the one who had reached out for him.

"What the hell," Genma cursed, turning to his friend, "Hey!" he shook Kurenai whose head had met the counter. When she startled awake, he squeezed the Uchiha's elbows again, then repeated, "What. The. Hell,"

"What is it?" she frowned curiously, right at the kid.

"He's real, you dimwit!" Genma shoved her, "I can touch him!"

"Can't be!" Kurenai protested, suddenly glad she wasn't sober.

Anko cackled, wiping at her eyes.

Sasuke was deposited on the counter, with the senbon guy's--Genma, they called him--arms under his armpits.

He scowled and threatened to bite while glaring, but the man's hold was especially strong so he just let it pass.

Ugh, the shame. He sighed. If they were going to stall him any way he might as well as gather what he wanted to order from the other conversations in the bar. Or point at some drinks.

He was just about to do it--the pointing, when the guy who had been puttering around fussing about his shoes and loosely tied hitai-ate and hey, what the fu--hell--I said hell, are you doing with those paper thin sandals, huh? stopped his arm.

What?  Sasuke frowned disapprovingly, tilting his face upwards to meet the guy's eyes.

"Kid, you're real." he stated all too solemnly, and Sasuke's frown intensified.

The woman who could pass for his relative with a sharingan on--Kurenai-- shook her head, tut-tutting.

At this, the man scowled, "Shut up. I'm tryna do something here," then he turned back to the Uchiha, giving him a once-over, "Real fresh-out-of-the-academy genin don't come here."

His tone was too shaky to be taken seriously.

"Hn?" Sasuke kept glaring unflinchingly. Is he talking about the money?

"I thought everyone in Iru's class laughed the whole you're-an-adult-now-spiel in the face?" Anko pointed out frightening gleefully.

Comprehending that Iru was supposed to be Iruka-sensei, Sasuke puffed his chest out in offense.

Why he did, he didn't know, but as one of the saner people around here Sasuke was having a hard time not stalki--ignoring! he meant ignoring-- the other man.

"Aw, look at duckling getting worked up for that! And he even seems like the kinda kid who'd ignore a crying baby," she cooed, wriggling her fingers, "Iru works fucking magic."

"Don't pretend you don't ignore crying babies too, Anko," Kurenai rolled her eyes, then narrowed them, "Wait, did you just say fuck? In front of a fucking kid? Do you know what Hinata's father would say if he heard that? Did I tell you about him being a dic--"

"Yuuhi!" Genma groaned, "You're doing the same thing!"

They seemed to be...saying something involving him and drinks.

Finally, senbon man took a deep breath, looking Sasuke in the right in eyes.

"See, kid, this isn't a place for you--"

Sasuke raised an index finger, opening his mouth to retort.

"--I know you're thinking along the lines of old enough to kill, old enough to drink," he continued, then grumbled under his breath, "Who knows how many of that I've dealt with before Iruka--"

Sasuke snapped his mouth shut.

"But that's not how it works medically. At all, get it? Your..." he continued, in a  tone eerily reminiscent of Sasuke's mother managing to inject quiet screaming into whatever she said.

Two hours later, Anko had her shift lecturing him.

At around one at the dead of the night, when Sasuke could successfully name all the organs ethyl alcohol affected, the red-eyed madmen had the right mind to finally let him off the counter.

"GREETINGS, MY FRIENDS!" a loud voice boomed, "I HAVE COME SEARCHING FOR MY ETERNAL RIVAL!"

Breaking the weird transfixation the Uchiha held at how senbon man was actually speaking while munching on the senbon, the voice laughed. Loud. With HA-HA-HA's.

"Kakashi's not here today, Gai!" Kurenai hissed at the noise, sighing in exasperation. You'd have thought years of working with him would dull it some.

The large, muscled man in form-fitting clothes wasn't deterred though, since he started poking around the red couches.

"I see," Gai shook his head, evading a bottle someone threw with a cry of of for fuck's sake it's one am, Gai,"I was hoping to issue a most youthful challenge at dawn, but I could not get a hold on him after his mission."

"Why snoop around? We ain't hiding him," Anko grinned sharply.

"Uchiha-kun wouldn't be here if he was." Kurenai finished for her very sagely. "We genin sensei are responsible for something like this--even if it's Kakashi, right?"

Genma nodded.

Then realized what she had just done.

It was too late by that point, however, as Gai barrelled through the rest of the shinobi in the bar gasping theatrically.

"UCHIHA-KUN?! However could I miss my rival taking on a team?" he cried, then shook his head, quivering from head to toe, "Genma! I did not expect such an unyouthful thing from you, my old friend! He is merely a child! Why have you brought him here?!"

Sasuke visible winced at the volume. Was this some...theatre thing? Play?

"You think I spend my nights picking up kids, Gai?" Genma drawled, then pinched at the bridge of his nose sharply when he was reminded that the kid was probably thirteen and hormone-driven and definitely understood innuendoes.

Gai side-eyed Anko like any normal human being would do.

"Woah," the air around Anko tensed, the tokubetsu throwing her hands up in mock surrender, "Rough accusations, man."

"I see." he nodded, entirely too trusting of someone dealing with the resident snake lady, "If it was none of you--is it what I fear it to be?!" Gai quietly wailed glossing over Kurenai (to which she puffed her chest up in pride before her liquor spilled) which wasn't quiet at all, "So many of our youthful minds poisoned! After all our most beloved Iruka-sensei had persuaded them so!"

"Only him this year?" Genma supplied unhelpfully.

Sasuke hid his face under his arms and groaned.

Damn those edgy novels.

How he was here, Sasuke didn't know, but he wanted this to be a dream. Preferably a nightmare so that "dreams" weren't a cursed word. Desperately.

"My dear Uchiha-kun," Gai addressed passionately for the twenty-fifth time, "I thank you for allowing me to be your escort at this time of the night!"

"Hn." Sasuke ducked his head, again, for the twenty-fifth time in a mockery of a bow. It was mostly to shield him from the sparkles the guy exuded from every pore of his tightly-spandex-clad body.

It wasn't a play.

"Gai-sensei!" the other boy in the bowl cut--probably the other man's son bawled, "Such help is most youthful of you!"

They had literally run into the kid when he was running rounds around the village borders.

The guy had cute eyes that popped out from first glance, long, fanned out lashes that touched his cheeks every time he blinked.

But only a first glance you could handle with all the nauseating green.

Sasuke never thought he'd be so glad seeing orange leg warmers after long exposures to Naruto. It didn't help much, but it blocked some of the green out.

(Sasuke ignored him saying he ran seven times on his fucking hands  without even panting for the sake of his sanity.)

Since he's feeling kind, Sasuke will give everybody a moment to process it.

They aren't from the theatre.

Sasuke wondered for a moment if it was unethical for them to assign the son to his own dad, since favoritism was a thing and in his school, they always switched classes.

But then again, in his school they weren't exactly taught how to slit someone's throat with a kanzashi.

Dad's could gauge their own son's talents after all.

"Your appreciation is most appreciated Lee!" Gai affirmed, then scrunched his bushy-brows, "But I must advise you not to train at this time of the night, boy. A healthy shinobi is a living shinobi. 

The last lines seemed to be directed at Sasuke too, who gracefully hid under his high-collars.

Damn. those. edgy. novels.

Forget weeping in his mother's arms or running over to his cousin in the sunset, if he ever made it back from here--or if this whole thing turned out to be a disturbingly real coma dream--then the first thing he was going to do was burn those goddamn books to the ground.

Combat boots and leather jackets in the ninja world, his foot.

There...was...a different kind of weeping happening here though.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee sobbed, "Your youthful concern is enlightening!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!" he cried again, extending his arms.

"Gai-sensei!" the other boy wailed, running into his arms.

Sasuke was pretty sure it had been dark out a few seconds ago, but...he shielded his eyes, was that the sun peeking out of...mountains?

"Kai." he mouthed, frowning.

The genjutsu didn't break.

Twin spandex monsters separated from each other with a jolt.

"My dear Sasuke-kun!" Gai trembled, forgetting everything about using last names, "I did not intend to leave you bereft of an embrace."

Before Sasuke could even blink, The Gai zoomed over to him and lifted him upwards. He could feel his ribs cracking under the squeeze, but didn't try to pull away fearing what would happen if he tried and the man accidentally plummeted him into the ground "gently".

"How kind of you, Gai-sensei!" Lee exclaimed, "I'm sure Uchiha-san appreciates it, don't you, Uchiha-san?"

Sasuke wheezed.

The ground felt like the best place in the world when Sasuke crumpled into it.

"H-Hn." he croaked, pointing at his apartment.

"Very well, Uchiha-san! We shall get to your destination in seconds."

Both spandex bearers half-ran along at ungodly speed almost leaving the person they were supposed to be escorting in the dust.

The air was ridden with eerily heavy silence as if both of them really wanted to do something. Talk, run, crouch or sprint towards a roof, throw the balcony-doors open, and scream their lungs out.

Sasuke had a sneaking suspicion it was the last one.

"Ah, I wonder why my rival wouldn't inform me of this youthful progression," Gai sighed into the pale moonlight, "His workload must truly be heavy."

"Hn?" Sasuke made the mistake of enquiring.

It happened fast.

Gai swerved his head to meet the Uchiha, eyes sparkling golden stars.

"Who else must I ask but my Eternal Rival's own student?" 

Sasuke gulped.

"Jonin Hatake's student, sensei?!" Lee gasped, then he looked like he had kicked a puppy and set Antarctica on fire, "Forgive me, Uchiha-san, I did not know..."

He was promptly smacked on the head by his dad.

"Lee!" Gai admonished, "A shinobi must gather intelligence!"

"But Gai-sensei! You did not know of it either..." he trailed off, then furrowed his brows, "Unless...you wanted to introduce Uchiha-santo me too?!"

What, Sasuke was about to ask, You literally ran into us--

Gai thought for a moment, then coughed.

"Hm, yes, absolutely." he nodded.

"Oi," Sasuke said, "Hn--"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei--"

"HN." Sasuke interrupted pointedly, glaring at the two.

His apartment was only a few feet away, a dark silhouette against the inky skies and he wasn't standing for this nonsense now.

To his extreme confusion though, both their eyes glittered.

Lee sniffed, the most dazzling smile on his face. Then he unwrapped the hand he had around his dad's torso and extended it towards him.

Sasuke frowned as Gai did the same.

"Fret not for we shall not exclude you, my rival's most youthful student!" Gai smiled passionately, tears leaking free.

They were--

Lee winked.

--waiting for him.

With a silent screech as not to disturb the neighbors Uchiha Sasuke sprinted across the street in the process of very dignifying pulling his hair out.

Dignity being damned for the moment, Sasuke clawed at his hair.

A risked glance behind and they were following him, flashing dual thumbs-ups and crying such a hip attitude indeed! How queer, rival always does the same thing too!

A shinobi with a bandage over his nose and another one gazed dispassionately from a corner as if this happened every other day.

This time, Sasuke screamed.

"What do we tell Hatake?" Genma turned on his heels towards the women.

"I'll take care of it," Kurenai waved a hand around, "We're all going drinking tomorrow after Asuma's done with moving out."

Anko paused at wiping the glasses.

"Aren't you supposed to help him with it or something?"

"At seven. Forgot. Then it was too late for a lady to visit." she shrugged, leaning on the counter. At the other two's judgemental faces, Kurenai huffed distastefully, "What? It's not my fault he's got horrible friends who won't help him out!"

Her head hit the counter and she dozed off seconds later.

"Will Hatake ever know?" Genma sighed gleefully, putting one of the raven's hands over his shoulder to get her home.

"If he doesn't we all know who else he's gonna hear it from," Anko returned equally gleefully, miming a thumbs up and a wink.

Only when he was safely tucked in bed away from green spandex-es, and all his doors triple-locked did Sasuke process that for him to be RIVAL'S student, Rival would have to be--

"Maa--" a flex of pure muscle, or would it be lanky--

A brief image of the greying agent flaunting around skin-tight spandexes that also covered half his face flashed by.

The book would be perfect th--

Because he was a polite neighbor and the kind of kid grannies willingly gave chocolate to other than for reasons like fuck I'm a granny gotta rain chocolates, Sasuke shrieked into his pillow, truly pained.

Now he just needed to find the fangirl Yamanaka to bleach his brain.

This would not be spoken about.

Ever.

Chapter Text

Light grey clouds settled over the sky in it's morning haze.

And the genin yawned for the n'th time.

Unfortunately, one thing was quickly becoming clear to all of the newly formed Team Seven. 

Being late was their sensei's whole shtick.

(Other than reading porn but that was a discussion for a later time)

Two whole hours and no sign of their sensei whatsoever.

A rumbling arose, and all genin stared at a flustered Sakura, clutching at her stomach.

"I didn't eat dinner, " she confessed, then groaned, "Where is he?"

"I stayed awake all night, dattebayo." Naruto grumbled in between another yawn. "Why's our sensei a stupid ass?"

"Hn." Sasuke offered sympathetically.

Emboldened by the attention her crush showed the blonde, and the fact that talking so early in the morning wouldn't irritate him, Sakura delved into a rant.

"You shouldn't stay up that late, Naruto!" she chided, not saying anything about the sensei comment, hands on hips, "It's horrible for your skin! And do I need to talk about your metabolism?! You can't be a ninja if--"

"But Sakura-chan, " Naruto whined, "You always eat super less and that's fine!"

Sakura immediately flushed as pink as her hair.

"That--How do you--"

"I see your lunch boxes all the time at the academy, y'know," Naruto huffed,"They look so good and stuff and most of the time I don't even have lunch but you do and you never eat the whole thing, dattebayo!"

"I was--" Sakura began, then shifted uncomfortably in her place, mumbling quietly, "...on a diet."

Sasuke frowned at thirteen-year-old ninja children who literally ran around the whole day starving themselves.

The pinkette's face fell at the frown.

"Look," she cleared her throat stiffly, and began defensively, "I'm, uh, a bit overweight okay, I'm working on it and--"

A swirl of leaves grabbed their attention, their sensei materializing out of thin air.

All the genin jumped out of their hitai-ate, whirling behind to meet his eyes.

"Heya, kids." he eye-smiled, dangling around two bells nonchalantly for some reason.

"YOU'RE LATE!" Naruto and Sakura accused in unison, Sasuke mouthing it.

"Ah, there was this hunch-backed old lady in front of my apartment early in the morning who wanted me to carry her groceries when a flying cat landed on her," Kakashi informed as if he was perfectly sane, "I had to get it out."

Sasuke's eye twitched.

Sakura looked a kunai short of pulling her hair, wrapped in a bun out.

Naruto was the one that spoke.

"Stop making stupid excuses, old man!" he screeched, "Liar! When're you teachin' us to fight?!"

Kakashi's raised an eyebrow.

"When did I say I'll be teaching you?" Kakashi enquired.

"You're our jonin sensei?" Sakura growled, frustrated. "Who teaches?" 

"Maa, maa, you seem to be under a misconception," Kakashi tut-tted at the genin's murderous scowls, twirling two bells around, "You aren't even genin yet."

This was the last straw for Sasuke.

He was right about to turn on his heel towards the academy demanding Iruka-sensei to take him back when Kakashi crinkled his eyes into even smaller curves, almost squinting ominously.

Naruto inched back and Sakura watched, disgruntled.

"See, I forgot to tell you yesterday because of your little...catfight--I prefer dog fights myself--" he snickered at something only he was privy of and continued, then continued ominously calmly, "But only thirty-three percent genin graduate. A sensei has to officiate the team or you go straight back to the academy."

"WHAT?" Naruto yelled, "I can't go back just because you don't wanna teach!"

Sasuke had to disagree. He was starting to see how this agent was miles away from Iruka-sensei in the normalcy scale, so he wouldn't mind going back.

But the nerve, he scowled, still glaring at the jonin, arms crossed.

"Y-You can't just forget to tell us about it!" Sakura cried, "What about the academy tests?! I didn't read about this anywhere!"

"Haha," their sensei fake-laughed sheepishly behind his hand, handing out three white sheets, kanji neatly printed in it, "Here. I was supposed to give you these flyers too."

Sakura slumped down after scanning the contents of the paper which Sasuke didn't bother to grace with his eyes. Such stupidity and only because their teacher didn't want them. 

Wow, way to go, guy who made the academy. It would've been nice if the rule books included this, Sasuke tsked.

Not that he could read it. But fangirl would know about it at least.

"Then why'd you tell us not to eat, bastard?" Naruto yelled, still stuck up at the part where he wasn't fed properly.

"Because I'm going to test you!" Kakashi cheered, clapping his hands, "So I have these two bells here," he explained, nodding at the bells dangling from his index finger, "You have time till afternoon. Get the bells from me, you pass. You don't, you don't. Rules are simple; Come at me with all you've got."

Naruto grumbled about that still not explaining why they couldn't eat and he was a bully but kept his complaints to himself nevertheless, happier at the prospects that they weren't going to be turned away without a chance.

"Oh, and no lunch if you don't get the bells. You'll be tied to those stumps over there and everyone eat in front of you."

Damn sadist.

Sasuke scowled along with the other two genin and took a deep breath. 

At this point, he was ready for the guy to say he wasn't their sensei and just an innocent troll passing by.

"Hn." Sasuke furrowed his brows, noticing the oddity and pointing at the two bells.

Sakura nodded.

"You have only two bells. There are three of us, sensei." she said. "You missed one."

Kakashi brightened up considerably, which was definitely going to send them into misery, "Oops, I forgot the catch."

Naruto mouthed something about sticking things in indecent places if the damn geezer forgets something one more time.

"Language, Naruto." Kakashi admonished, then continued blithely, "Yes, there are only two bells. Which means....?"

The genin stared for a moment.

Then horror slowly seeped into Sakura's face.

"Only...two of us pass..."

"Bingo." Kakashi drawled before letting the information sink into the not-yet-genin's brains, looking almost bored, "Now come on, come at with all you've got."

"You'll die if we come at you with all we got." Naruto made a face, using air quotes.

"Sensei, but Genin teams are made of three people!"  Sakura tried to reason in her granny voice as if Kakashi was being a very difficult kid, "You can't just kick us out!"

"Don't listen to dead-last." Kakashi raised his eyebrows, choosing to ignore the pinkette's complaints.

"Hn!" Sasuke brought attention to Sakura aggressively, not sure what she was saying but whole-heartedly supporting it if it meant making a fool out of the stupid troll.

Their protests were drowned in a successfully provocated Naruto's screeches though.

"OI, FIGHT ME!" he screamed, twirling actual kunai at a fellow leaf jonin.

He didn't even have the decency to hide and do ninja stuff.

Sasuke sighed.

This was going to end badly.

It ended horribly.

Being tied to a tree stump was quite an enlightening experience, in Sasuke's expert opinion.

If only he didn't try to carry Sakura and actually do something like her wire tricks rather than stupid taijutsu with the sharingan on, then he wouldn't be here.

The second chance the man proposed? Um, no thanks. Sasuke was going back to nice Iruka-sensei.

"Get to eating, kids!" Kakashi, the damn sadist, waved, "I'll be back."

Naruto slumped down on the ground.

Sakura shot Sasuke glances from where she was perched. She was a "fangirl" and she did like Sasuke-koo! alright, but there was an announcement about them failing if they shared.

He couldn't delude himself into thinking that she'd spent another year at the academy to get him some tomato sandwiches with tiny tomatoes.

Even if they looked really red.

And there was the distinct smell of toast.

"N-Naruto, don't you have lunch?" Sakura asked, tearing her eyes away from Sasuke with difficulty.

Naruto waved a hand around.

"I was gonna get to Ichiraku's, dattebayo, but I don't got enough for lunch so I'm going for dinner." he answered.

"Oh." Sakura licked her lips, thinking of what else to say, "So um, do you want to sha--"

Before she could say anything, Sasuke interrupted her with a cough.

"What'd you want?" Naruto squinted up at him."You hot in the sun or something? Want an umbrella, princess?"

Sakura stifled a laugh but hit him on the head nevertheless, "Stop being rude, Naruto!"

Sasuke scowled and nodded to his bag.

"What?" Naruto said again, going through the content of the pack, "What'd you--food?"

"Hn." he confirmed.

"B-But Kakashi-sensei said..." Sakura began nervously.

There weren't many feelings Naruto held for the bastard's stumpy situation, but he sure as hell held a lot of them when it came to caring about anything the geezer of a sensei said.

Out of pure pettiness, Naruto snarled, "Eat it, bastard."

Sakura made a strangled noise in frustration.

"How's he even gonna know, Sakura-chan?" Naruto laughed darkly, "He's eating his lunch or children or something"

"When you put it that way..." she trailed off.

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Hn." he said, nodding at Naruto.

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto said, extending the lunch box, "Take it."

The Uchiha shook his head profusely, frowning at Naruto. He wriggled his index finger out of the rope and pointed at the blonde.

Sakura's eyes widened and she rubbed at it to confirm what she was seeing.

"What?!" Naruto snapped.

"Hn." Sasuke tried again, irritated this time. If only people listened to him.

"Naruto," Sakura opened her mouth, incredulous, "He's giving it to you." 

Sasuke nodded sagely, smirking in approval.

He couldn't wait to get back to dear Iruka-sensei at the academy. After some tomatoes, obviously. That toast looked delicious. These ninja children could run around with this crazy sensei.

Jonins were cool, yes, they beat you in spars while reading books, so all the more reason for more taijutsu practice! It's not because Iruka's a well-adjusted person and Sasuke needed his sanity back or anything.

He was broken out of his reverie by a flailing Naruto.

Sasuke suppressed a sigh of irritation.

"Hn?" he slumped, clearly tired at the stupidity.

"Y-You're giving me your food?" Naruto croaked, poking at his nice, fancy, dark blue bento box.

And? Sasuke gave a deadpan look.

"N-No just..." Naruto trailed off, blue eyes going through the shrimp and sashimi, "Nothing just..."

The blonde shook the box for a while, then scanned its underside for seals. When he didn't find any, Naruto closed his eyes, pinched his nose and gulped down a shrimp praying to the ramen Gods to not make it too sour and it was--

delicious.

Shock coursed through his whole system and Naruto's jaw dropped open.

"Sasuke-kun." Sakura said, worried, finally facing him after checking out the box and tapping it twice herself, "Do you need that umbrella?"

Is the heat getting to you?

Sasuke cursed his stupid teammates' dramatics and tched in irritation.

He only wanted the stupid blonde to not starve. Thirteen-year-olds going without food was just sad, even if the thirteen year old in question was an insufferable loud-mouthed brat.

"S-Sasuke," Naruto quivered, without even taking out the whole Temee thing, "You gotta eat, man."

Sakura nodded vehemently, earlier protest having died down.

Sasuke took a deep breath.

"Hn." he protested, nodding at his stomach.

Sakura, the hypocrite, quickly opposed him. "You don't have to be hungry! It's healthy to eat so just try that, okay?" she assured in her responsible granny voice as if he was a petulant child refusing his greens.

"Y-Yeah," For once, Naruto agreed with her when it came to the bastard, then eyed the rope, "I'll feed you, c'mon, dattebayo."

Sasuke cringed away from the chopstick attacking him, pressing against the stump and screwing his mouth shut.

"No, Sasuke-kun!" the fangirl had the gall to chide, "You don't have to worry about us not passing! Eat, please!"

Huh?! That wasn't even--Sasuke didn't even think about that. He just wanted to go back to the academy!

Even Naruto seemed faintly touched (which he did not need to be doing thank you very much? Why the hell were these guys so dramatic?!) with the way he was trying to gauge Sasuke's eyes out with the damn sashimi perched on chopsticks.

Sasuke finally caved, almost reduced to tears but too dignified to actually cry when he realized that the Sharingan was really going to be poked out if he didn't direct that chopstick somewhere else.

"Mphf--" he tried shoving the blonde away with just his eyes and good old glares with his hands tied.

Sakura sniffed commiseratingly, rambling about how the whole thing was fishy anyway and how genin had to be three-man teams according to the Nidaime and how dare sensei do that!

Three sashimi and a whole loaf of Sakura's shoved into his mouth, Sasuke was assured that he had seen most of the things life had to offer. He had died once, hit by a nice black truck, after all. 

Asphyxiation wasn't the worst way to go, Sasuke bravely mused, closing his eyes in acceptance at the fourth sashimi which would definitely kill him.

A whirl of leaves was added to his things-that-saved my life list, including but not limited to the Grim Reaper, a hand grabbing Naruto's collar.

Said hand put Naruto in a corner gently, then clapped themselves together.

"You passed!" Kakashi cheered, bells clinking together in his pockets.

Sakura leveled him with a look several shades of suspicion which Sasuke echoed on his own face, adding disgust into the mix.

"This test was all about teamwork, kids, " Kakashi continued, unfazed, "It's important to rely on a teammate and even more important to prioritize them. You're genin now, so congratulations."

"Yes!" Sakura cheered, then mouthed, "Done." excitedly, partly from the fact that im a genin shannaro! and that she had gotten those tricky loops out rope out.

"Those who don't follow the rules are trash, but those who abandon their comrades are even worse than that." he finished, gazing at the sky in typical drama fashion.

Kakashi then smiled as if he hadn't done one of those important-lines-of-my-life shticks.

Sasuke dragged a finally-free hand across his face, dusting himself off the pieces of rope stuck to him.

"I'll meet you tomorrow at eight near the bridge. Dismissed!" Kakashi informed pleasantly, propping himself against a tree and continuing with his reading.

A long-suffering sigh later, Sasuke pressed a hand to Naruto's chest to stall him.

"Wha--" Naruto began, only to be bombarded with the Uchiha's backpack and Sakura's blossom-patterned lunchbox. "I don't--"

"Just take it, Naruto. I'm on a diet," Sakura snapped, choosing to explain Sasuke's stance too, "And Sasuke-kun might have already eaten. You didn't even sleep yesterday. The things that can do to your brain!" 

That could explain the dead brain, Sasuke smirked, holding out a hand in acknowledgment of the wave the other two sent his way. I'm full from the sashimi of death anyway.

As if reading his mind, Sakura called out, "Sasuke-kun, don't forget to eat proper lunch!"

Yes mother, he rolled his eyes.

Naruto left with a shell-shocked expression on his face, Sakura standing behind to pack her bag and check things over one last time. 

Now that kakashi gave her a look over, he could see that she was on the leaner side, even if she was tall enough. No stamina too, from the bell test.

"Sakura."

The pinkette swerved her head at the uncharacteristic sobriety, furrowing her brows.

"Yes, sensei?" she answered, resecuring the loose strands of hair framing her face into the bun.

"You realize nutrition is as important as sleep for a shinobi? I heard you saying you skipped dinner," he drawled, one eye watching the genin," And frankly put, it's affecting your stamina and you won't get anywhere with that."

She blinked, mentally tallying that sensei was watching them, then flushed darker than her hair when the words truly registered.

"Maa, not to say you can't keep in shape," Kakashi tried at the face of the large puppy eyes, a bit awkwardly, "Shinobi burn off enough calories exercising, you know."

Again, Kakashi sent a quick prayer for the Sandaime's sanity, siccing kids on him.

"Y-Yes Sensei," she fumbled, still pink in the face.

Sakura quickly lifted her pack off the ground, wincing at how much muscle she had to exert for the day, and scampered off from the training fields.

Thank God Sasuke-kun didn't hear that. Sakura grimaced, a good distance away from the training fields, And Naruto wouldn't stop running his mouth.

Suddenly realizing that she had left just Kakashi hanging in her embarrassment, she looked back at the clearing one more time to wave at sensei, meeting hovering leaves instead.

Sakura stared.

Carrying around leaves to scatter for shunshins--one more thing about sensei, she mentally cataloged, sighing exasperatedly at the dramatic trio that were her teammates.

Chapter Text

Most of the village would humorously claim that Maito Gai wouldn't comprehend trickery or cunning even if it slapped his face and set his spandex on fire while he did handstands.

But Kakashi was not most of the village.

With the way Gai roped him into eating all those years ago from when he was ANBU, Kakashi narrowed his eyes distrustfully when the other jonin walked up to him, perfectly normally.

No showy entries, thumbs-ups, or even the Gai-normal-level sparkles.

"Rival," Gai greeted, a touch subdued, "I haven't seen you in some time! I am sure you too must have been busy with your Team's Most Excruciating Mission."

"What do you want,  Gai?" Kakashi slanted his eyes, not lowering the book. 

They never explained schedules or discussed them.

If Kakashi was in the village, Gai would hop over, and vice versa (sometimes).

What was this mockery of routine?

''I would have met your Youthful Genin three months ago, Rival,''--if you had told me-- Gai complained in his Gai-like way, eyebrows pinched, "But I did not know until I ran into Young Uchiha-kun two months ago, and then your Mission to Wave..."

"Ah," Kakashi said deceptively  mildly, suddenly snapping his book shut, "You met Sasuke?"

Gai flashed him a too-bright smile at the name, "The Young Uchiha is truly utilizing his youth! His battle cries as we played a Game of Tag was Truly Youthful! Truthfully, Rival, I did not come here today--"

"No, no, Gai wait a minute, what was that about Sas--" Kakashi interjected, positively alarmed.

He had thought about how he would love to sic Gai on the kids sometimes when the boys got close to losing their arms in their squabbles while the rabbit ate people, but he hadn't actually considered it.

Even Kakashi wasn't that cruel.

Probably.

"--for a challenge," Gai bulldozed his way through the conversation, in a more forceful push compared to any other day, "for I have a better proposal in mind for our youthful apprentice's fiery hearts!" 

"We have a mission." Kakashi stated, almost smug. "A C-rank one. A delivery. Land of Rivers." he paused, "So, tootles, Gai, can't challenge no--"

He pocketed his book now, then one eye blew wide at the other jonin.

"You have what."

"Exactly what I have just discoursed, Rival!" the other man gave a passionate pose, with one palm on his forehead as if in dramatic what-would-you-do-without-me fond exasperation.

"No, no, let me get this straight," Kakashi held out a hand, doing his best I'd-be-okay-thank-you-very-much, "Our youthful apprentices?"

"Yes." Gai simply affirmed, the horrifying grin on his face threatening to etch itself there permanently.

Kakashi swallowed.

Even someone as paranoid as he could miss Gai's plots of evil.

The thing about the taijutsu master was that Gai was so rarely evil that you wouldn't expect it when he did raze you and your reputation down to the ground.

But Kakashi, on the other hand, didn't have a reputation. The only thing to go was--

--his peace of mind.

"Yes, we do have a mission." Gai visibly sparkled, and everything in the vicinity shriveled and died. 

One leg already in front of him screaming at him to move, Kakashi slowly turned.

He was painfully aware of the bead of sweat rolling down his jaw under his mask.

"Maa, you make it sound like you..." he inhaled, composing himself. Surely, there was no way Gai would go that far...

"Iruka-sensei graciously lend an ear my most youthful concerns about the teams of Konoha Bonding!"Iruka-sensei always handed him Team seven's missions from the desk. Nowadays he (Kakashi was too lazy to so) even started picking their missions for them.

To betray that trust--

"You didn't." Kakashi breathed in horror, "Gai, no."

"Gai, yes." Gai beamed, eyes gleaming, "We shall take part in this mission together, Rival! You deserve Recreation after your Most Youthful battle against one of the Seven Swordsmen!"

If there was God in the world surely they would grab Kakashi up and run now too?

Gai whacked him with spine-shattering if not for chakra enforcement pats, booming with laughter that progressively devolved into passionate sniffling.

No such luck.

"I cannot wait to discuss Uchiha-kun with you, Dear Rival!" Gai sobbed, "Such a youthful boy!"

Kakashi vaguely recalled the boy hissing and condemning people into the seventh circle of hell for getting into his three-meter radius.

No one's playing Youthful Tag on my watch, he swore, as Gai put an arm around his neck effectively choking him.

The boys were slinging on a tree, Naruto still stuck up in the post-tree-walking-haze days later, and Sasuke dangling on a branch, cradling Tobi.

Torturous rays of the sun beat down on the genin, Sakura tapping her feet against the root a little too aggressively.

"Hey!" a brunette called from a distance, and Sasuke saw a lean girl in space buns walk towards his pink-haired team-mate.

Sakura furrowed her brows and met the girl halfway, "Yes?"

"Team Seven? Jonin Hatake?" Space buns grinned, jabbing a thumb at herself, "I'm Tenten. And this," she paused, looking over her shoulder, "He's over there on the bridge-- that's my teammate, Hyuuga Neji."

Hyuuga as in the creepy eye people?

A neat somersault and Naruto was on the ground, one arm around the pinkette which she quickly swatted away.

"...aaaand?" Naruto drew out, looking at her as if to continue.

"And we have a mission together?" Tenten frowned, "We're team Gai."

"We do?!" Sakura and Naruto intoned in unison, exchanging glances with Sasuke too. The Uchiha shrugged, Tobi dismissing in a poof as he rocked back and forth on the branch. Damn agent. That was the first time they had even heard about a mission together.

"Damn Kakashi-sensei." the blonde grumbled, while Sakura shot the brunette an apologetic look.

"Our sensei isn't here yet." she explained, hoping to uncover more details from the other kunoichi, "Do you know what the mission's about?"

"Could you wait a second? My other team mate's taking up some time--I'll get him now," she scratched the back of her head and walked back, hands-on-hips grumbling about better not be running rounds.

The Mission better not be catching cats, Sasuke curled his lips in disgust.

His ears picked up a snort? a scoff? from the general direction of the bridge and Sasuke shielded his eyes. From this distance, Hyuuga Neji looked kind of pretty...

"What a waste of time," a smooth voice said, "You don't even know your mission objective."

Of course, the cute ones are the weird ones.

"What? Pretty sure I couldn't hear you, 'cause," Naruto pretended to strain his ear, "He can't be all that much of an asshole, huh, Sakura-chan?"

When giggles followed Naruto continued, grinning, "Especially to people he just met, dattebayo?"

"Naruto!" Sakura chided, leaving him with only a light tap to the wrist.

Planting his feet on the tree trunk, Sasuke skidded down in apprehension. He was pretty sure that Hyuuga Neji had veins bulging out of his temples--reasons unrelated to the byakugan whatsoever. Just to test his theory, Sasuke turned to face the boy who had edged closer when--

The tree rattled and Uchiha Sasuke came tumbling down, shaken and inching back.

What the--

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura puttered around, fussing, "What are you doing on the floor?!"

"H-Hn," Sasuke winced, cradling his head while his gaze locked with Neji's. Or more accurately, too off-kilter to lock gazes with anything other than the eyes.

No zombie movie could replicate this.

A delicate sheen of glassy white over pupil-less eyeballs.

Like the frosty glass in your shower.

Sasuke could swear that the girl in his class wasn't this creepy. Was it because she kept her head down most of the--

Perfect, petrifying white.

Sasuke had made half his mind to sprint to the compound, grab some de-stress ice cream and process the eyes, but a gust of wind send him flying, back slamming against the tree trunk.

"Sasuke-kun!"

A flash of green zoomed past them, conjuring up dust in its wake.

It...couldn't be--

"Lee!" Space Buns clapped her forehead, "You're scaring them!"

Oh no. Now he knew where he placed the name Gai.

"UCHIHA-KUN, VERY HUMBLE GREETINGS, MY FRIEND!" the whirl of green yelled, kicking up dust all around them again.

The tree faintly shook.

Coughing, Sasuke shielded his eyes with one hand, peeking at the newest arrival.

Bowl-cut and nauseating green.

He blanched.

"Ey--wha-" Naruto began, "Woah," the confusion slowly gave away for undisguised amusement, "Woah, Bushy-brows, that was fast."

Just as the words left the blonde's lips, another tornado hit the bridge at full force. Sasuke glared at Naruto for jinxing whatever luck they had left.

The wind whipped at Team Seven's face, Sakura infinitely gladder that she had decided to pin it up in a bun. Toes of his sandals curling into his ground, Naruto clawing  at the tree trunk frantically not to fall off.

Hair problems plagued only Sasuke, his bangs getting into his eyes constantly, said eyes screwed shut.

"Are you--" a deep breath, "-- READY TO EMBARK ON A YOUTHFUL JOURNEY?"

The smoke cleared slowly, and Naruto's jaw met the ground equally slow.

"What the hell..." Sakura mumbled under her breath, taking in the sparkles. Blink, sparkling teeth, blink shiny hair catching the sunlight.

From the periphery of their vision hijacked by this...bright...person...for a lack of better (and polite) words, peeked out a harmless head of gray.

"Yo." Kakashi said weakly, raising a hand. Maybe for the first time in his life he seemed vaguely apologetic about the hell they were going to crusade through, "This is Gai. And we're going on a mission together."

Gai winked at them.

"YOU'RE LATE!" Sakura jabbed a finger at him, Naruto stomping his feet.

And the spell was broken.

Chapter Text

Birds chirping seemed to be the standard in the Land of Rivers.

Food stalls interspersed the village square, small inns, and smoke from chimneys making it seem like a village.

For a Village Hidden in the Leaves Konoha's main square always seemed to be ripped out of an eighteen's water-painting, but with a major culture reboot from his own to Sasuke.

His idea of a village had always been thatched roofs and the smell of Earth. Though it was more of a small village versus big village thing.

"It's muddy here," Tenten pointed at some inconsequential detail, acting as a tour guide. Team Gai had apparently come here before, "But there's that river to the west."

"Hn," he nodded, and she resumed narrating along with Lee.

"Hatake-san!" Lee beseeched, "Would you mind if we stop to refill our water bags?"

Agent blinked at him. "Sure," he said.

The way to the next checkpoint was right along the river, and Lee asking permission, in Sasuke's humble opinion, was adorable.

Maybe it was because Lee hadn't reached the right Youth Stats without his teacher. Or maybe he wasn't all that weird after all.

Everything he did was just only as odd as Naruto's irregular revelations about the human psyche (what if a guy who got hands for legs and a guy with legs for hands fought?)  and Sakura seriously answering him with some grotesque imageries.

Paired with the fact that Tenten was blessedly easy to get along with, not expecting responses to her chattering, the Konoha Bonding Plan was actually sailing smooth.

Unlike some other things such as the Agent's lack of porn.

Which he would concern himself with later.

"Then Lee fell off the tree because curling his toes had nothing on tree-walking." Tenten laughed, stretching her arms. Again.

Yes, right, ninja had to be sports freaks to react to a projectile coming at them at 160 km/h, but this didn't mean a normal person--God forbid, he was at the level where these ninja people were normal now-- stretched every five minutes, flexed every fifteen and trekked for a Delivery mission.

Lee and his dad didn't even need any explaining, obviously.

If Tenten's backbone was whipped out into a make-shift whip he was pretty sure it could snap a grown jonin's neck with how heavy the scroll she carried looked.

"TenTen!" Lee said, a hint of a pout in his voice. "You were content to watch my youthful exploration!"

"I was, I was," she placated, "Only because Gai-sensei was doing the same thing and not failing though."

There was a vague bristling from Kakashi's side but that was that.

"I shall showcase my abilities too!" Lee enthused, arranging his fingers into a thumbs-up. His eyes shifted around as if to look for a worthy opponent fit for proving his new-found determination. "There!" he finally said.

"Hn?" Sasuke trailed his gaze to the direction of Lee's forefinger.

"It's a thief!" Tenten exclaimed. She quickly turned to Sasuke like the wonderful tour guide she was, "They're common in the Land of Rivers!"

"....Hn." Sasuke acknowledged. Shouldn't they be...going after them?

Agent slowed his pace down when he realized nobody was doing anything to the painfully-slow-by-ninja-standards robber, cocking his head.

"....and?" Kakashi urged.

He was clearly used to Naruto rushing in and Sakura being at his heel.

"Forgive me!" Lee gasped, "Gai-sensei being unable to reprimand the thief slipped my mind! I shall..." he concentrated at the figure in front of him, "...yes! I shall do fifty push-ups with that man tied to my back as repentance!"

Tenten made a strangled sound.

"Maa, I don't think you need to go that far, Lee-kun..." Kakashi trailed off, but before he could finish saying anything Lee had charged into the field. 

With a battle cry, the teen aimed a kick at the robber, who seemed to have robber friends multiplying out of thin air like rabbits.

"Lee!" Tenten called, lowering her own scroll and running towards the river.

Damn. They were fighting.

"Yosh! Youthful Genin! Let us put our bodies to use while we climb this hill!" Gai howled, raising a fist.

"...yes." Neji mumbled under his breath.

"Okay, Gai-san." Sakura managed, accidentally taking a step back from the enthusiasm.

"Gai-sensei, if you please." he corrected, throwing his flak jacket open and stuffing it into his pack with an unexplainable amount of joy.

"I'll beat you!" Naruto grinned at Neji, who dutifully ignored him.

Naruto withered.

Sasuke didn't need to fight. They were strong.

Gai-sensei, Sakura noted with not a little exasperation, liked to make everything a competition.

"You must employ your fiery hearts for this task, young students of Rival!" he flashed a thumbs up, then winked at Neji, "Make me proud!"

"I'm gonna beat you to that hill, dattebayo!" Naruto crowed, already on his hands and knees. He was crawling up the moment with renewed determination, the interjected youths! actually working on him.

34.5 seconds later without any response from Neji, Naruto wilted.

Sakura had a sneaking suspicion that the only thing that kept Naruto's motivation going was Sasuke actually reacting to his taunts.

The local cafe that requested the special brand of tea was right past these hills.

But according to the Konoha Bonding Program, which was basically a split-up-the-group-so-that-Naruto's enthusiasm shriveled-and-died-plan, they had to stop by the riverside to meet up with the others, taking the long way for no reason whatsoever.

"Long way ahead, huh?" Sakura said to nobody in particular, nobody in particular usually being Kakashi since he was a mute idiot of a sensei most of the time.

At the human voice saying something other than youth! Naruto stilled, giving his nails a break from crawling up the hill. "Want me to carry you, dattebayo??" he tried to show gratitude while scoring chivalry points with Sakura-chan.

"No." Neji answered for her blandly. Sakura would have liked to start a conversation with that! Why did he do that?

Naruto withered.

The hills to the west of the Land of Rivers sprouted stubby green grass, overall improving her mood. Gai was a stark contrast against the lighter green with his glaring spandex and the jonin flak vest he had abandoned in his pack for "fresh air in the youthful" mountains.

It wasn't a bad distance, though, considering Kakashi-sensei's insane pace. Gai-sensei seemed to realize that no normal human could match his speed, so he slowed down considerably for all of them. Or sometimes went ahead without knowing it himself.

She reveled in the calm and the wind that blew across her face, taking measured steps down the hill. The silence was deafening to her ears, blissful silence, blissful silence...

Who the hell are you kidding, shannaro! Inner scowled. I'm choking from the silence here!

Naruto wasn't opening another conversation with Hyuuga Neji being the overtly silent guy he was.

"Naruto." Sakura called somberly, deciding to take charge. 

"Yes, Sakura-chan?" Naruto returned equally seriously.

"The guy with legs for hands is winning."

The blonde looked scandalized, if not a bit relieved. "Look, dattebayo, it's like this. The guy with hands just spins and roundhouse kick but with a hand! How cool is that?" he retorted.

"But my legs are stronger."

"But hands have thumbs."

"Legs have thumbs too!"

''What?!" Naruto squeaked, jumping in his place. "I dont!"

"T-They're just a thumb toe!" she quickly retracted. Didn't want Naruto getting ideas about other people hiding thumbs from him.

"We ask pretty boy if they work the same?" he suggested. Sakura knew it was a loss on her part here, but the blonde looked so hopeful, so averse to being ignored, so eager to start a fight with someone...

"Sure, sure," Sakura mumbled, throwing her hands up in the air.

"Hey, pretty boy!" Naruto hollered immediately, and from a distance of roughly five hundred miles (they had walked for ten minutes--), Gai-sensei flashed a thumbs up. The Uzumaki made a face at the gesture.

As always, Hyuuga Neji seemed unresponsive.

This didn't deter Naruto though, who now had a legitimate cause to call the Hyuuga out.

"Oi, freak eyes!"

Sakura stared.

Oi, freak eyes! Oi, freak eyes!

It echoed across the mountains and the plains, shepherds and sheep alike turning to the Voice.

Oi freak eye--

"What did you say." Neji balked, finally talking.

Naruto's face lit up like a box of fireworks.

Gai-sensei shed a tear about the trials of Youth and Friendship.

Pleasant robber bones crunching in the background, Kakashi furtively glanced at the Uchiha.

His fingers flexed for his book, but he calmly shoved the need down. He was on a mission, and he needed to treat it as such.

Sasuke, if anything, looked faintly disgruntled and nauseous at Gai's female student summoning a naginata.

No Youthful Advances. Yet.

Good.

Kakashi would have to seal Sasuke's house nice and tight with a nice chakra lock to keep mini-Gai out of his bathroom demanding challenges.

He would know.

A fight was happening, and Sakura was very disappointed at herself for letting this brew. Or at least outwardly, she was.

Inner was throwing confetti all around her mind space, rejoicing at the arrival of spring, a summer festival, and picnic season all at once. Any more peace and quiet and Inner had a feeling that she would wilt like Naruto too.

"I called you Freak eyes!" Naruto said cheerfully. He momentarily squinted away the celebration and unparalleled joy in his tone, and injected the right amount of annoyance, "Or d'you want Pretty boy?"

Wait. Freak eyes would also mean...

"Naruto," Sakura hissed, "Hinata's a Hyuuga too!"

Neji's lips tugged downwards.

Shannaro, we got him reacting! Inner squealed in joy, while Sakura frowned right back in question.

"Uh. Okay. anyone with sticks shoved up their butt's got freak eyes!" Naruto declared, quickly avoiding the fists, "Bastard has them too, but they're mostly cool when he's not being a bastard." he nodded at his own logic.

"Naruto." Sakura growled, cracking her knuckles.

The blonde cowered, realizing that his backtracking and logic wouldn't save him from fists after all.

A twig snapping took their attention. "I wouldn't like to compared to that." Neji smirked, "Though bastard's new."

Sakura's mouth dropped open. Did he just call Sasuke-kun that? He was a dork, sure, but how dare he? She had priorities now.

The one who beat her to the punch, figuratively, was Naruto. "What'd you say 'bout Sasuke?" Naruto asked calmly, narrowing his eyes. Clearly, the punch was going to happen literally answer notwithstanding.

"Oh no," Neji crossed his arms breezily, "I was talking about Hinata-sama." The end was laced with poison, the complete opposite of sweet, nice, cute Hinata from their class.

Steam rose from the pinkette's head, ears feeling uncomfortably hot and boiling. Sakura could feel his bones crunching under her fist. The only reason she wasn't walking up to him and demanding that he died was that he was a senpai and would counter her.

A gobsmacked Naruto let his fist fall. He squinted in confusion, happiness momentarily forgotten.

"She's...like, family, yeah...?" Naruto mouthed, cringing away.

"Yes, she is, Naruto." Sakura confirmed through gritted teeth.

She hadn't expected an argument, but apparently, the Hyuuga asshole liked taking things seriously. Sakura suppressed a snarl. They weren't going to make a bad impression in front of another jonin sensei, Hyuuga Neji or not. 

There was the blissful silence again, Neji turning on his heels, leaving behind a curtain of hair.

"Wait!" Neji did, and Naruto rapidly shot through ideas of what exactly to say. What was her name, again? Hinoton, Hinama, Hina..."What'd you say 'bout Hina-Hina, huh?!" he called, raising a fist.

Damn it, Naruto, Sakura bit her nails, this is gonna escalate into a fight.

"That she is an absolute failure despite her fate?"

Oh, damn it all. 

"She had the best grades for flower arrangement, senpai." Sakura growled. Stars erupted from where Naruto stood, his face one of perfect bliss.

At least Naruto was grinning like a maniac.

"That does not change the fate of hers dictating that she is meant to lay low. Despite being from the main family--what do you know about the Hyuuga families, first?" Neji paused.

Naruto opened his mouth to...argue. But there was, Sakura noted horrifyingly, nothing to argue about in a split second. He was being decent again.

"Uh," his index finger crooked, "What's a Hyuuga? Creepy eye-people?"

The pinkette watched Neji roll his eyes, although it didn't suit his very mature face. She wanted to smack Naruto in the head desperately, but maybe this was a moment for some unity against a very fearsome foe? What did Ino's books call this again? Turning the tables on you in a very-psychological-way?

"You are simply ignorant," he said, stalking away like the fast madman he was. Naruto and Sakura exchanged glances, realizing that there would be no argument after all.

The blonde shrank into himself. This should have been a good thing if not for the fact that Sakura had to drag him to places now.

"Your comradery is truly unexpected Genin!" a loud voice boomed from another five hundred miles away. "But we must make our way to our destination!"

Comradery. Sakura almost made friends with the forest floor, and Neji visibly tripped.

Maybe Gai-sensei's jutsu was frightening his opponents into submission psychologically. The Pig probably wasn't joking--psychological things were horrifying important. Like Naruto feelings psychologically drained without adrenaline in his system.

Now that was something to look into.

Hyuuga Neji sighed. "The Hyuuga are a family of dojutsu users." he said.

Blonde hair faintly perked up.

Sakura stared suspiciously, dragging her other teammate with her.

"They are divided into branch family and Main family," he almost-sneered, "The fate of the branch family members is to die for the Main members, a truly--"

An orange blur suddenly whirled past her, sending her pink bun astray.

"What was that?" Naruto shouted, not even trying to hide his glee, "Let's talk running, dattebayo! Pretty sure your team's waiting too!"

Naruto was glowing.

The walk to the Land of Rivers was nothing if not tiring.

Contrary to it's name, Land of Rivers did not, in fact, come with ferries the brave had to hop on to traverse the tumultuous seas. Instead, it came with a vast expanse of fields bracketing the gravel roads, drooping at this time of the year.

Sasuke was a little put out that he didn't get to pirate-around since he was in a  ninja world anyway--checking off all boxes?--huff- but maybe he shouldn't have expected Amazon Rivers--huff--

Enough.

"Hn." Sasuke ground out, abruptly stopping in his tracks.

Lee stopped too, in the middle of trailing behind his jonin sensei and pinched his brow in question.

"Hn." he pressed a hand to his forehead, making a sweeping gesture at the rest of the ninja behind him.

The Ruler of Stamina Uzumaki Naruto lay on the ground in a slump, cheek pressed to the cool ground. Neji poked at him experimentally with a toe and Tenten bit her nails sympathetically at the mewl.

Dark threats to somebody's (nobody could make out whose exactly) parentage were being thrown around, and Sasuke hoped that on closer speculation Lee could make out that the very nice girl in the qipao was making those guttural growls.

Sakura and Naruto hadn't even talked for a good portion of the way--which was as strange as not dropping by that ramen store after every mission.

Gai slowed down in front of them and grinned--almost apologetically.

"My heartfelt Apologies, Uchiha-kun." Gai grieved, cocking his head in what seemed to be Gai pose #3, "I did not take into account all of your comforts. We should be seeking shade under that dango stand!"

Well, that went well, Sasuke tried to muffle a huge sigh of relief (he had a reputation after all), knees buckling under him. Damn, Reputation might need to wait.

An arm on his shoulder kept him and Reputation from falling head-first to the ground, and for once Naruto kept his big mouth shut about holding him up.

This was comradery, Sasuke almost shed tears of yo--nope, he wasn't going that way--they were bonding over Team Gai being sports freaks.

"Right, what dango does everyone like?" Tenten smiled, opening the conversation to which Sakura grunted, sloppily retying her bun with hands slick with sweat.

"Uh, oh," she acquiesced, quickly catching on that Sakura was in no mood to talk, "Okay," then stretched.

Again.

And the way Neji carried himself you would think him graceful, elegant and composed--

but he was only one of the three.

The Hyuuga was literally dancing on his toes while he trekked, quick and precise which needed time to evolve into something resembling grace in the future. Now he looked like a duck on his tippy-toes that trailed behind the Gai-and-Lee-entourage.

He didn't even have the decency to look embarrassed at whatever his teammates were subjecting him to.

Or it could always be, Sasuke shuddered, that he had achieved inner peace with himself that some things would never change.

Thankfully--who knew the day would come when he would thank God for his team--were equally lazy little shits.

The more surprising thing was Agent keeping up with them, right at the front of the pack while any other day he hung behind with Sakura.

He wasn't even reading a book, casting subtle glances at the other two-

Oh.

He hung back because he was looking out for them. And now that he wasn't, he was checking up on the others.

The thought warmed something in Sasuke which screamed eww and due a check-up with the Yamanaka, so he covered it up in a snort of disgust.

"Don't like dango, Sasuke?" Tenten started again, plopping down next to Neji. He remembered something about Japan and honorifics again, but put it out of his mind, "Lee doesn't like it either."

Naruto not-so-subtly craned his neck disinterestedly in the mitarashi dango's direction, eyebrows raised.

"Hn." Sasuke denied blandly, sinking teeth into his dango.

Ungodly Stamina back in business, Naruto jumped off the bench to chat animatedly with Lee. Sometimes he wondered if Naruto really was the manipulative orange ninja child as Sasuke liked to call him. That was the only explanation for his lack of energy three seconds ago.

Under the kawara tiles, the Leaf nin nipped at their dango (Lee running through his katas again under a cypress tree after sipping on green tea and Kakashi whirlwind-ing through the process), perfectly content at the moment's calm.

"Ow!" a pained scream tore through the perfect bubble of serenity. A lesser man would have snarled, but Sasuke was not a lesser man so he gritted his teeth through the dango, "Watch where you're going, old man!"

Naruto had collided with someone's chest, and flung himself in the opposite direction, wincing at his sore butt.

The wiry man with shifty eyes shuffled ramrod straight in an instant, hands darting around to grab his purse. He didn't even stop to find his center of balance, running shakily in the opposite direction.

"Wha--" Naruto called, confusion marring his features before sky blues landed on the purse the man was clutching like a lifeline. The blonde gasped, getting on his feet in one quick motion,"Oi, thief!"

Urgh. This was their second thief.

The blonde went back when the kick--right on his sternum--pushed him back and orange jumpsuit kissing ground again. It was oddly a kick to incapacitate, not harm, which Sasuke observed with not a little interest. Maybe the right thing to do would be getting up?

But there was dango...and an actual place to sit...

Lee's attention snapped towards their direction.

"Get back here!" Naruto shrieked. He hauled his ass up out of sheer spite and zero goodwill towards the man in the distance who was probably the owner of the wallet, screaming, "You better get back when I'm being nice or I swear I'm gonna send fifty of me on you, dattebayo!"

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!!"

Lee howled at the top of his lungs. His arms were now directed towards the thief who had already caught up to the fence in the distance.

Green spandex suddenly twirled in the air in a kick and land in front of the blonde, hands extended.

Neji calmly rose from his seat.

"Wha..." Naruto began, staring at the thief disappearing into the foliage, "You're not gonna catch up to him! Let me--"

"Fret not, Naruto-kun!" Lee reassured, eyes rounder than ever, "I shall get to him!"

Sasuke winced as he took another bite of his dango evading the sparkles. How were they doing that? Genjutsu?

"He's already a few feet away!" Sakura clapped her forehead.

"Lee!  Stop trying to show off!" Tenten shook her head, downing her dango in one gulp.

The kunoichi exchanged glances.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. All this theatrics and--

Blink.

Lee was crouched over a man knocked out along the curve of a fence. His hand clutched a wallet victoriously, waving at the group with a turtle-smile.

What.

Wait, he knew Lee was good, but...

He just blinked...and...Sasuke whirled his head around for someone to say something, but all he got were "I see..." musings from Kakashi. He quickly glossed over Neji who was sighing as if it was a normal occurrence. There was Gai-sensei, then, who sobbed because of The Youth. Even the thief seemed pleasantly(?) surprised.

There wasn't any luck from Naruto's side who was bobbing up and down with stars in his eyes. He was running over to the miracle site with speed rivaling Lee's. 

Leaving Sakura in the dust.

"How..." Sakura stared.

"Told you." Tenten shrugged, gingerly plucking the pinkette's dango out of her fingers. She downed the entire thing in one gulp yet again.

"He was meant to be caught." Neji nodded sagely, pulling out the destiny crap again.

The Uchiha wearily turned his gaze to Kakashi.

There must have been some miscommunication, which was weird since he wasn't communicating anyway--but apparently, that didn't stop these people-- since Agent tilted his head, curving his eyes, "I did forget to teach you the Uchiha coming-of-age Katon, didn't I?"

Sasuke had no idea what that was, but it looked like he was about to find out. 

Besides, teaching would mean demonstration, and demonstration equaled faking knowledge.

"Hn." he nodded in agreement. To emphasize how seriously that wounded his pride as his Uchiha, he added with a deep sigh, "Hn."

"It's strong." Kakashi reassured for some reason, staring into the distance at Lee's form standing tall over the old man, "He's a year ahead of you, by the way."

Sasuke nodded, shrugging the disconcerting feeling like he missed something off.

"How youthful!" Gai gasped out of nowhere, startling Sasuke out of his high-collars. His head popped up behind Agent's shoulder, twisting alarmingly, "You're conscious is trained on Youthful Pursuits and Sweat even on a mission!"

Was it just him or did Youthful Pursuits sound wrong--nope, Neji was looking away (good riddance too, the eyes). It was only to the untrained ear.

"Wait what?" Naruto screamed from where he was handing the "thief" money from his own frog purse after a lengthy venture about rats in houses and daughters to feed, "ONLY BASTARD'S GETTING TRAINING?! LEMME IN TOO!"

"Maybe when you stop being such a bleeding heart, Naruto!" Sakura huffed, unclasping her own purse too. Her eyes flitted towards Agent, assessing his reaction.

"Maa, maa," Kakashi began, scratching his masked cheek, "Water walking will have to wait  until this miss--"

"--Rival!" Gai interjected, sounding offended.

Kakashi leveled him with a look with just one eye that summed up that he was as hesitant as much foreboding Sasuke found the intervention, "Yes...Gai?"

"It is for your benefit and Recreation that we have traveled at such a leisurely pace!" he stated, squirming around in his seat. Then his eyes widened as if in heavenly Realization, "Rival! So Hip! Only you would discard your own health for the Konoha Bonding Plan!"

Sasuke stared dumbly. Thankfully this face's muscles were unusually rigid even after a few months, so he didn't blink dumbly. The horror.

Not only did this guy just fess up that this whole thing was a farce at his face, but he was also campaigning for continuing this madness.

"But fear not, Rival!" Gai wasn't done yet, "My team and I shall deliver the scroll while your Fiery team may train!"

Should he be...worried that he's numb to this...?

For once Neji's glassy eyes seemed like the best place to wallow in sympathy over what had become of his life while the Hyuuga nodded softly.

"Wait, but it's our mission--" Sakura pointed out sensibly, only to be shut down by Kakashi's affronted gasp. Why couldn't these genin see that they would be getting free pay out of this? 

Kakashi knew there was a reason why he kept Gai around.

"Sakura-san!" Lee got down on his knees, "Please allow us this opportunity to prove to you our worth!"

"No, I don't think that's how it works, Lee-san--" Sakura began, cringing away.

"YO, SO IF WE LET BUSHY BROWS OUT, WE GET TO TRAIN??" Naruto hollered from a distance, still purifying the thief of his wrongful deeds after punching him in the solar plexus.

"Yeah, the gist of it, yeah." Kakashi smirked, entirely too pleased with himself. He was already acquainting himself with the dango stand bench and sinking into it.

You didn't need to be a genius to see where Agent's thoughts were going. Sasuke's eye twitched. Well, it wasn't like he particularly found Lee a tad bit interesting. And strong. The kind of strength he needed to be to leave the village. His wobbly knees would appreciate a rest too.

No hard feelings from him or smothered down excitement for something new happening. None at all.

"YOSH! RACE WITH ME TO OUR DESTINATION, TENTEN!" Lee bellowed, fist-pumping the air before taking off towards the west.

"We ran the whole way from the river, Lee." Tenten rolled her eyes, then turned to the other kunoichi who was still standing, mouth-agape at the youthful proclamations from earlier, "He shows it in a weird way, but he means no harm, you know?"

"It is in his fate to be underestimated, it seems." Neji shook his head and rolled his shoulders to get ready for the sprint.

Naruto paled at the f word all the way from the fence, while Sakura choked on her dango unceremoniously.

"Hn," Sasuke deadpanned, You don't say.

"Right then, see you guys here around noon!" Tenten gave a two-finger salute and took after the spandex-clad teen.

"We shall rendezvous after the mission, Rival and his fiery genin!" Gai proclaimed mournfully as if they were going to be apart for the next fifty years, "Till we meet again!"

"Sure, bushy brows-sensei!" Naruto waved enthusiastically at his now-empty frog wallet around Sasuke's face.

The Uchiha cast a subtle glance at the flies floating around said purse. 

Wow, how is this kid planning on being a killer? He emptied his wallet over a sob-story.

By the time they finally disappeared into the foliages with Neji screaming, calmly at them that they were heading the opposite direction and even you, Tenten? before Gai announced that it was all part of fitness training, Sasuke knew it would be a while before they spotted Team Gai.

Judging by the very pleased look on his face--which was half-covered--without the mask Agent must be an expressive person--Agent knew this too, so he slowly unfurled his book and let his shoulders slump into themselves.

"So, so, Kakashi-sensei, when do I learn those cool wind stuff?"

Agent lowered his book, making tut-tutting noises. "Naruto-chan, I'm under Youthful Recreation, didn't you hear?" he smiled sweetly. Or what was supposed to be sweet.

The blonde promptly mimed gagging and paled.

"Oi," Naruto choked out with great difficulty, handing Sasuke the previously-stolen wallet, "Do me a favor and don't imagine people in bodysuits, yeah?" He went back to his bush.

Or was actually gagging. He couldn't really tell.

"Hn." Sasuke shook his head as if that would dissipate the images that flashed by, faint, moving to slink down on the bench himself.

"Does Youthful Recreation involve reading porn, sensei?" Sakura interrupted heatedly, shooting the Uzumaki a look to come to her aid too.

"Che," Kakashi clapped a scandalized hand to his mouth, pretending disgust, "Such callous words for a pretty lady. I read fine literature. Romance." then paused, waving around a hand, "Flowers and roses and all that, whatever young girls like." 

Young girls, young girls...

Sasuke chased away images of Kakashi in anything other than flak jackets. Gowns? No-problemo, frilly frocks? A few waistline adjustments here and there, he could probably rock it, but...spandexes on the other hand--

A cool palm on his shoulder helped him suppress an involuntary shudder.

Startled, Sasuke rocked back on his feet. He craned his head against the sunlight at the newest arrival.

"Ey, thanks for the wallet!" 

The man had a sandy-kimono draped over his form loosely, whirlpools taking up every inch of it. For a moment he had to squint to adjust to the color scheme; it blended too well with the thatched roofs and paddies in the background.

"Name's Matsukata," he said without any prompting, flopping down on one the bench next to a very displeased Kakashi who hadn't considered the notion of sharing, "So, want me to take up your dango bill?"

"No, no, you don't have to!" Sakura smiled, vaguely polite to unsuspecting outsiders while he handed the wallet over.

Naruto poked over at the crinkled paper Whirlpools clutched, making fascinated oooh aaah noises

"So what'd you doin' again?" Matsukata grinned, waving his dango stick around, "Kiddy ninjas?"

Sakura's eyes quickly trailed towards the paper too, though she kept it much more controlled. "A C-rank mission, Matsukata-san."

Finally, Kakashi sighed, caving in to the mystified sounds which were starting to get on his own nerves. "Striker Ryouta?" Kakashi read off the poster, posing it as a question.

"Yeah," the man agreed, then ducked his head, sending furtive glances in all five directions, "Ye' ninja know he's gettin' some kills in these parts, don't you? Scarred face? Tan?" he whispered conspiratorially.

"...no." Kakashi said blandly, "Haven't heard of him."

Matsukata's face fell, and he quickly shoved his dango into his mouth.

Ouch. Sasuke supposed this was where he had to act scared, but after Zabuza, he had this feeling that Agent could handle one or two mass murderers for them blind-folded. He didn't seem to keen on children--or more specifically soldiers--dying on his watch either.

That probably wasn't a win on his Paranoia's part, but he was starting to warm up to the guy. If the serial killer was anybody important he would know, right?

"Three families in a night next town over, thought it was big 'round here." Matsukata sighed. 

Right. Welcome back, Paranoia and Distrust. Good-bye fuzzy feeling and Respect for Agent as a self-respecting assassin who kept himself up-to-date.

These people could read, for God's sake. Why he chose to use that gift for porn (although it had suspiciously been toned down into less-garish-more-inconspicuous-romance novels hard-covered into looking like a ninja art manual) instead of newspapers, Sasuke would never comprehend.

At least they would get the hell out of here after Lee's team came back.

At Sakura staring at him too, now that he had announced the infamy of the person in the wanted poster, Matsukata propped his chin on his head. "I'm a bounty hunter, so maybe it coulda been just me knowin' more 'bout the criminals 'round here." he grinned reassuringly.

Sasuke scrambled to keep his eyebrows from flying off his hairline. A bounty hunter?

Naruto spoke before he could needle Sakura into articulating into him though, "Man, you got robbed by an old fart with three daughters-- liking cherries, apples and pickled plum-like their names, by the way," he ticked off his fingers while the frog wallet croaked pitifully, "And civilian's school's expensive and stuff, dattebayo. And you're a bounty hunter?" 

Pointedly ignoring the unnecessary details of the guy's life he probably used to squeeze Naruto's frog dry, the blonde had a point. And didn't Konoha have those official mask-hunter nins? Was Agent going to be suspicious?

Kakashi blithely ignored him for the Icha-Icha.

Or not. Did he say something about trusting people?

"To be fair, you said the same thing about Kakashi-sensei when we had the bell test," Sakura pointed out, running her eyes through Matsukata's appearance as if she was cataloging things she hadn't spotted before. Temper not flaring was a good enough indicator for her indecisiveness.

"Yeah but, Kaka-sensei lost to Duster-kun," Naruto argued, "Duster-kun doesn't just, lose. It's got this target magnet or something Iruka-sensei was talking about. But he lost to an old man."

"...Hn." Sasuke said, massaging his forehead. He didn't know if Iruka-sensei actually said that, but it reeked of Naruto's obvious bullshit.

Sakura bonked him on the head, "Iruka-sensei said that when we were eight, Naruto. Now stop being rude."

"Still hit me in the head every time." Naruto insisted stubbornly, earning a stink-eye.

"Maa, maa, I'm sure he can take care of himself," Kakashi interrupted. He turned to the man, emptying his pockets for some reason, "And Matsukata-san? Could I take you up on the dango offer? I think I lost my wallet."

Naruto closed his mouth.

"He stole it!" Sakura screeched, thumping Naruto hard on the head, "Your old man stole it, you idiot!"

"B-But--" Naruto began, only to be silenced by another glare.

Okay, Sasuke drowned his dango, he was going to pretend he didn't hear that and that the serial killer would definitely not get to them with Agent on the watch.

Would Tobi like dango? he hummed, ignoring Matsukata's bright smile at the acceptance of his humble offer for the wallet, was gonna starve, ye' know what?

Chapter Text

The day was going perfectly.

With both legs draped over the length of a branch, Kakashi hummed pleasantly. 

Sure, Matsukata had reeked fishy, his posture screaming wrong and slouched. But being a bounty hunter and wanting to be seen disarming would make sense though. Also, he paid for dango while Kakashi didn't because he lent his wallet out.

Teaching business? Wonderful.

Sure, maybe Sasuke wasn't showing appropriate amounts of bafflement over Gai and mini-Gai, but he would probably get there.

And sure, Youthful Recreation spelled all sorts of horrible for his reputation, but if it kept him in the shade of trees, away from scorching sunlight and snappy genin consistently he'd do it any day.

It's not like he boasted around to be the paragon of goodness after all.

"NARUTO!" Someone somewhere far away wailed.

A plop resounded through the clearing. Just as Kakashi turned the page for Mariko finally wooing Takeshi.

Orange and red blobs heaved themselves up the river, one of them shaking the other by the collar.

All the shaking splattered water all around, and Kakashi briefly frowned disapprovingly the way he did when his dogs shook the water off themselves, shielding his book.

Naughty genin.

"You!" Naruto called. It seemed like he had been calling for a while. Something tugged at his memory, something he probably should attend to...

"Me," he agreed, tipping his head for being polite.

"Any tips for water walking, Kakashi sensei?" Naruto growled through gritted teeth. The last word implied possible contempt and positively a deep longing for strangulation.

"Why won't you help a teammate out, Sakura?'' Kakashi admonished, stubbornly keeping the book open. Mariko was dragging Takeshi into an alleyway. And even if he had stopped with blatant eighteen plus on covers after Naruto's bedroom spiel back at the campfire--alleyways. 

"Because Sakura-chan's tips went all step there, then here and it's wavey and bouncy compared to trees?" Naruto retorted. At the jonin blinking rapidly, Sakura elaborated long-sufferingly, "He means, sensei, is that my tips aren't helpful in the least."

"What makes you think I'd be any better?" Kakashi didn't grumble, he was pretty sure some manual about elite jonin that had sharingan monikers for suffixes or prefixes made no mention of that, but he was self-aware enough to know that he still held the book open petulantly.

However many times he whistled wolf, this time he was being honest. He had no idea how to teach someone water walking any way other than a demonstration. 

He certainly didn't have Minato-sensei to draw up lesson plans from in this area.

Genius or not, his six-year-old brain couldn't keep memories intact while slitting throats; and he supposed twelve year old him wouldn't even notice switching between liquid and solid.

That left only one person's lesson plans to draw from; the only one little him looked up to with stars and the moon in his eyes; Hatake Sakumo.

Maybe he would have made a great sensei if he had been alive.

No, no, he was going down memory lane again.

While Kakashi was lost in memory land, Sakura held Naruto from thrashing, clinging to him by his arms.

"Let me at 'im, Sakura-chan!" Naruto snarled with passion, swinging his limbs. If looks could burn, Naruto's glare was hot ice. "Let me at 'im!"

Hands occupied, Sakura attempted to bang her forehead in exasperation against the blonde's head instead.

"Naruto!" she shook him around, "Stop this!"

"Go, Sakura-chan!" Kakashi cheered blithely. He knew she was growing on him.

"SENSEI!" she screamed at him. Rude. "He dragged me into the water too last time! Do something before we burn that stupid tree... down..." Sakura trailed off, eyes trained on something behind him.

A distinct smell of smoke over-rid his senses. Did Naruto manage to set him on fire after all? He quickly scanned the area for the source, when his eyes fell on a white patch of fur.

Oh. This is what he was forgetting. Didn't supervise the...katon.

Uchiha Sasuke was scampering around frantically upturning roots and weeds for his rabbit. His fingers were probably burnt from the odd angles he twisted them in, and the first thing he did when he finally found the rabbit was digging the same fingers into its fur, away from the tree.

Kakashi stared.

After everything, the boy sank into the ground with the rabbit on his lap, head resting on an enormous rock.

In Kakashi's defense, he had expected the boy to be playing around with the grass or something after his first charred patch of it. How could he have guessed with how dead his eyes were? Hard workers don't get to have dead eyes.

Kakashi watched Naruto's grim satisfaction and hysterical cackling under his breath at not spotting Kakashi's unceremonious get-away from the smoldering tree, possibly dreaming of waving around tripped on a rock and skull squelched splat banners over Sharingan Kakashi's funeral casket.

Sakura went about her business quietly, gliding through the river as if burnt fingers and teammates didn't bother her the slightest.

Sometimes genin scared Kakashi.

In Neji's opinion, there was never a dull day with his team.

When he had first become a genin, Neji had goals. Not dreams; but ambitions. He was going to one-up the Main family. He was going to be strong.

But everything got squashed on the fateful genin test where they walked around the village on their hands to prove their Most Youthful Sensei of their aspirations.

That was the moment Neji knew; this was not going to be normal. Or according to plan (which was admittedly, land a punch on Hyuuga Hiashi even once).

He preserved though. Lee was a blockhead, but extremely talented. Tenten was blissfully normal if not a little too enthusiastic about her weapon stash, and Gai-sensei was the farthest thing away from peace and quiet. They were hyper (for want of better words?), but meant well. 

There wasn't anybody in the Leaf, let alone his own clan members he would trust on watching his back more.

But this was one of the times he had to admit that he might be thinking of cutting off all his hair, dying it bright blue and plastering contacts to escape them all the way to Kumo where they wouldn't be able to follow his trail.

A place he hated as much as he hated those cretins from the main famly.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee exclaimed, pointing at a tree, "There is a most Youthful man taking up the branch over there!"

"I see him, Lee!" Gai affirmed, "We must check for his pulse for it is foreboding for him to be out in this weather!"

"Truly Youthful!" Lee nodded, "Such kindness!"

The sun that was shining right over his head mere seconds ago peeked out from the horizon.

Fortunately, Neji had already given up trying to find a disruption in chakra flow; telltale of a genjutsu with his Byakugan a year ago.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee cried.

"Lee!" Gai wailed.

Neji crossed his arms and stared, stoic for the act to finish. This was worrisome. He was giving in too easily lately.

"Truly You--"

''Yes, youthful. Gotta get there before he dies," Tenten unusually interjected, accounting for said man on the tree.
 
Gai and Lee drooped, thoroughly reprimanded. This was an effect only Tenten, in particular, had on them, since most of the time she was all too happy to let them do whatever they wanted.

Maybe Neji had to reassess which team she was really on.

Their sensei ran forward to check the man's pulse. He had armor on, so he was either a ninja or a mercenary. Gai flipped him over to check his pulse. No headband, definitely mercenary.

"Not...dead, right?" Tenten asked.

"A slightly...faster pulse." he scrunched his eyebrows in concentration.

"Very racy? Want me to check too?" offered Tenten. 

Peals of laughter broke out into the forest clearing. The laugher kept on as Neji quirked an eyebrow at the branch where the supposed racy-pulsed man lounged. 

Amber eyes snapped open to meet Gai's. "Hey, Matsukata here. Bounty hunter."  he twirled in the air, landing on his upper limb on the hard ground instead of his legs. "Which's a lot like being dead, by the way. Food's on the tree trunk--we got no tables--if I catch somethin'."

"Y-Yes," Gai collected himself, coughing, "We are Konoha--"

"Yeah, headband says as much." he shrugged, falling into place right beside them. "Where to? Blue cocoa bakery's my place."

Coincidentally, Blue Cocoa was exactly the place where they had been asked to deliver tea for aching old bones.

"Ah, we could go--"

"Yosh! Then might we race?" Lee interjected a little pointedly. "We are to the same destination!"

"His pulse was racy," Tenten laughed, "Don't want that blood pressure to spiking. Were you expecting nukenin?"

Matsukata shoved his hands in his pockets, walking almost shoulder-to-shoulder with Gai. "Genin, huh?" he grinned. "Never been one myself 'cause these parts don't have ranking systems, y'know? But heard it was a pain."

Neji nodded subtly.

"And heartbeat picked up all 'cause you're a cutie, you know?"

Neji's mouth didn't drop open, but it was a very near thing. He did what he did best when stressed or completely baffled-- arranged his facial muscles into one from an anatomy text; the old, dusty kind which people would probably call a tome. Tenten's did though, and she almost fell over.

Never in their one glorious year as genin had someone hit on their sensei. And for all Neji cared, it should have stayed that way.

This observation went right over Lee's head. "That is kind of you, sir." he nodded passionately, yanking a somewhat confused Gai away from the man.

Tenten ribbed him in the shoulder, to which the Hyuuga narrowed his eyes at her in distaste. She ignored him spectacularly, cupping a hand around her mouth, "Neji. That's Lee being hostile."

He returned the favor by ignoring her in turn. She ignored him ignoring her, humming nonchalantly.

The nerve.

As if.

"Can we race?" said Lee again, adding more pressure underneath.

Matsukata grinned, stepping closer, "Aw, but I'm sore all over. Not a bad thing though." The last line was pointedly directed at their sensei.

Another spandex clad hand steered Gai away slowly.

"It is Great that you enjoy the soreness! Now come, let us," Lee breathed, a tad bit forced, "Race."

Calculations whirled through Neji's brain like wind jutsu from Suna. He caught Tenten's sly stare.

"Knew you'd come around." she mouthed, grin stretching her face into something that prickled uncomfortable goosebumps on his skin.

 Not that Neji would show it.

"Sasuke-kun, have cold water from the river!" Sakura called.

Sasuke grunted, peeling off rabbit fur from the burns. Sticking burnt fingers in fur probably wasn't a great idea, not his greatest anyway, but Tobi was cool in way that warm-blooded mammals had no right to be. Something to do with being a tan-able rabbit from Kakashi's lectures?

Maybe whatever summoning realm he popped out was frozen over.

Naruto halted the pinkette in her motions of drenching her qipao, and pushed his jacket off his shoulders. "So, so, did you learn to blow fancy Uchiha fire?" he asked.

"Hn," Sasuke shrugged, not confirming or otherwise. He was getting there, but he couldn't say it was exactly like Agent's. Speaking of Agent though...he sucked at teaching. His go-to motto seemed to be blow fire and hope the rabbit roasts. Or was he just a bad learner? He had nothing to gauge their sensei's talents against after all.

Naruto doused the fluff on his collars in cold water, then took Sasuke's fingers in his own.

Oh. Oh. He was right. Tobi was cooler than the water.

"Ow," Sasuke raised a brow at Naruto wincing on his behalf. It's not like it didn't hurt, but this just looked a lot worse than it really was.

Oh well, it was saving him dignity if he wasn't the one screaming from the flares running down his finger tips.

Wait a minute.

"Hn." Sasuke pointed, disgusted, at the faint dirt dissolving into the water from the orange jacket.

Sakura's eyes lit up in understanding, quickly morphing into one of revulsion. "When was the last time you washed that?" she asked, inching back.

Sasuke's heart rate spiked at the blonde's cheeky grin. He tried to pry his fingers away from the Uzumaki, wrestling his hold despite the burns. "Hn!" he tried, pulling his hands away. It hurt, hurt, hurt, ouch--

"Oi!" Naruto grumbled, firmly holding him back, "This is gonna scar, dattebayo! Sit still!"

"Will he get an infection?" Sakura clapped her mouth, taking a step to the front to help him out. She was positively giving the Uchiha a stroke now. "Dirty clothes give infections!"

"I wash the fluffy-fluffy everyday! That's the best part!"  Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief at Naruto protest, "Its better than Sakura-chan's dress, isn't it? I'm tryna be nice, bastard!"

"Oi." Sasuke interjected, wincing. He was right, of course. "fluffy-fluffy" won over qiapos for burns, but Naruto might get a little more than burnt if he was going that route.

Instead of temper flaring though, Sakura seemed vaguely contemplative.

"Brush-ups with my qiapo," she grinned, slowly, "seem to be written in your stars, Sasuke-kun."

An involuntary smile tugged at his lips, which was quickly shot down by another flare through his fingers.

"No, no," Naruto clapped cheekily. He wanted to cross his arms, but ruled the option out since he was holding Bastard's for the burn, "It goes like this:"

Naruto cleared his throat, and sharpened his eyes.

"You are fated to marry Sakura-chan's qiapo." he intoned gravely in a gruff voice. A pause. Sakura and Sasuke tried their very best not to crack grins. "Destinibayo."

"You idiot!" Sakura barked a laugh, shoving him on the shoulder. "You ruined it with the destinibayo!" she cried, wiping her tears, "It was near-perfection!"

"Hn," Sasuke said, smirking.

"Sasuke-kun!" she gasped. "Destinibayo's not not bad!"

He inspected his nails pointedly not agreeing nor disagreeing, while Naruto laughed along.

"Monsters." Sakura huffed, turning on her heels. "You too, sensei! I hear you snickering!"

A bush in his periphery rattled, and Agent gave a jaunty wave.

''Fingers okay?" he asked.

Never been better, Sasuke stared at him dead in the eyes

''I have ointment in my pack." Agent shrugged, taking his book out again, "You did well, by the way."

"I mean, Pretty boy's not all that bad, I guess."  Naruto shrugged, avoiding the subject of learning as a whole. "I'm still thinkin' about those branch family things, y'know."

Another disgusting thing about this ninja system. Naruto better fix that when he's President. 

"Yeah, that..." Sakura trailed off, somber.

Nobody noticed Kakashi muttering something along the lines of really well without me standing in the way too. Teaching, huh? Sandaime might've been onto something.

He should have known there was more to her ignoring him ignoring her. 

The man raised a finger to his scarred cheek. "You wanna race with us too?" directing his gaze towards Gai.

"Why not! That is a most youthful exercise!" he jumped at the opportunity, striking Gai pose #4 with a thumbs up, "Yosh! If I lose I will do three hundred handstands around Rice country!"

"Passionate, hm?" Matsukata practically purred, "Nice."

Taken aback by the unexpected reaction that didn't include any sweat-dropping from the other party, Gai blinked like a deer caught in headlights.

"This is painful to watch." Neji said through gritted teeth. He needed to get out of this mess. Preferably bail out on this whole Bonding Plan. Jonin Hatake's team was The Mess. Why had they called him a genius again?

His gossip companion though had a completely different opinion. Her face had paled a shade of grey, eyebrows scrunched in a faint frown.

"What." he prompted.

"Nauseous," she corrected, "Nauseous to watch." Right as the words left her the men in front of her sprinted into the distance. "You ever feel like you never ever want to hear about your parents' sex stories?"

How do you hear your parent's sex stories-- Neji wanted to ask, but he settled for, "I do not have parents to confirm, Tenten." 

"I don't either, genius." she rolled her eyes. "This gotta be the same thing. Adult love lives we don't want to be parts of. Ever."

However much he wanted to disagree just to prove her wrong...he had to agree.

"Naruto," Sasuke said, throwing the jacket at the blonde. He nodded once in a way that was vaguely polite because it was Naruto he was dealing with her, but polite nevertheless since his fingers were feeling loads better.

Naruto caught it effortlessly, flapping it once and twice for any remaining water to be dispersed into the air.

"I need to learn some water jutsu." Sakura sighed, propping her elbow on her palm. She had gotten a lot more comfortable with ninjutsu after her first few continuos doton, "Something for water to materialize from thin air, something for scratches and scrapes, something for a simple suiton to the eye," she ticked off her fingers.

The pinkette turned her gaze towards the drenched black cotton sticking to her Uchiha teammate. "And obviously something to get the water out."

Both Naruto and he had been prancing around the water, trying to find just the right chakra--enough to not fall off, and enough to not be glued to the surface like a tree trunk if they wanted to survive when the waves moved.

Naruto shook himself like one of Agent's dogs, but a lot less gracefully.

"That's like, wind jutsu, isn't it?" he squinted at her.

"Is that wind jutsu, sensei?" Sakura chose to hand the question over.

"Wind's easier." Kakashi mumbled distractedly. He was right at the part where they were heading home from the alleyway. He would probably pay attention to the genin after this one scene. Probably. 

Who was he fooling?

Kakashi closed the book with a sigh. This was something he knew, so it was only right he explained."There's a water jutsu to dry things, but it takes fine control. Wind is much, much easier."

The blonde shot his female teammate a triumphant grin for the sole reason that it was his element.

"Fine control, you say?" Sakura smiled sweetly, competitive streak on, "Fine control, I have."

"And I do wind jutsu." Naruto puffed his cheeks.

"Hn." Sasuke pointed out, Not yet you don't.

"I wanna learn ninjutsu too!" Naruto crossed his arms, "Teach me, Kaka-sensei! They're gonna learn stuff with pine control!"

Sakura glared at him. "It's fine control." she corrected.

Sasuke nodded sagely.

"Stop making fun of me, bastard!"

I didn't even say anything, Sasuke frowned, hands fisting. He had no idea why Naruto nursed such an inferior complex against him. But maybe the same could be said for him since he fell for the bait?

"Oi--"

"Maa, maa, what about I teach both of you?" Kakashi interjected, neatly avoiding a bloodbath, "That's what I'm here for. Sakura will have to go to the library though. My control's not good enough to extract droplets."

The genin lowered their heads, contended.

Sasuke smiled into the alarmingly setting sun and wondered why exactly the sun was alarming now.

"FELLOW HONORABLE GENIN!" the sunset boomed, "We meet again!"

Maybe the question should have been why the sun was setting now in the first place. He did the obligatory wince at the volume. Even hours of Naruto didn't strain his ears so.

"RIVAL!" Kakashi swallowed.

Blank eyes glinted in the sunlight, almost orange and yellow reflecting the specks.

''Talk about the devil and here he is, huh?" Sakura whispered.

"Hn. Sasuke nodded, although Zombie would have been better.

"Secret's in the tarot cards," Naruto whispered too, conspiratorially, earning a grin from his teammates. "He knows when people talk 'bout him, destinibayo-"

He was smacked in the head.

''Can we walk at a better pace now." Neji stated, definitely not a question. He had a faint idea that his back was towards a sunset, but he was not looking at that now. Matsukata had been a pain, and he was thankfully gone.

Fortunately, though, he had only been flirting on a surface level. They parted jovially at the cafe's doorstep.

"If we do not falter we can get to the hot springs, my boy!" Gai cheered, "Utilize your youth!"

"Yosh!"

"Oh god, yes." Tenten cheered along, gaining more speed.. "Yay for hot springs!" 

She waved at the other genin. 'We're back!"

The sun went back into the sky.

Sasuke was going to find out how that worked or die trying.

Chapter Text

Brrrrr.

Naruto's a cat now?

BRRRRR.

Or a dog? Did dogs go brrr?

BRRRRRRR--

Oh, for, God's sake, Sasuke groaned, patting the bedding frantically for a pillow to silence this scoundrel. He did not deal with that pervert or put up with Japan's very open hot springs for the alarm to blare at full intensity at three am in the morning.

Or at least it felt like three am in the morning.

Wrinkled eyes vaguely processed the grey hues cast on the stacked up cardboard to his right. It left his head feeling woozy--or maybe his head had already been woozy--typical three am-- and the alarm was still ringing, his ears were still ringing, his brains were pounding in his skull--

Brains?

 And he still couldn't find that goddamn pillow. 

All the tapping for the pillow shouldn't have led to the grotesque way Lee was sprawled on the cold grey floors...

...which should be disconcerting because there was supposed to be no concrete, more...planks in the hot springs...?

A spear to the head made him suck in his breath. There was no pillow, no planks, no bedding it was cold, cold, cold and he was sure that was one of Tenten's enormous buns shoved in his face.

And there was no Naruto. Again.

Sasuke needed to invest in mind-reading therapists some time soon. Language barriers, and all that. 

~3 hours earlier~

"Rival! Let us bask in our youth and enjoy these hot springs!" Gai announced, grandly parting the shower-like curtains donning wavy squibbles called Japanese. "It is a most..."

Sasuke tuned the rest of it out, shoving the curtains away himself. Serves you right, Japanese. You deserve to be shoved. Except Japanese and Grim reaper would be synonymous in this case.

"Good luck..." Tenten pat him on the shoulder wryly, while Sakura glared daggers at his fingers as if to will the burns away. When she realised it wouldn't, she plastered a saccharine smile and accidentally knocked Agent's soap off his toiletries pile while trotting off towards the women's with Tenten.

"I was thinking about it!" Kakashi called after her, giving her a stink eye. He bent over to collect the soap while making exaggerated protests of tiredness, "Sasuke...wrap those fingers up in a towel."

Sasuke was saved from rolling his eyes by another boom.

"Rival!" Gai announced. Again. They should just try the Naruto-treatment with Gai. Give No Attention. But Gai-sensei seemed to be that guy who would get your attention no matter what, whether it by buying you ice cream or jumping off an aircraft without a parachute for Good Old Sporting Spirit. "You must put that book away in the hot springs! You do realize it's a place for us men to bond!"

Ew, Sasuke shuddered. He did not need to hear that. There were, well, like that...? He didn't want to know that either.

Surprisingly, usually the one most prone to gasping in the group, Naruto, huddled to a corner to get his own towel without a care for the over-spilling tea.

"Gai, we're not competing inside the springs. On anything." Kakashi drawled, a white scarf magically tied around the lower half of his face. "You know you'll lose."

Just. He kept himself from cringing, ew. And he thought Agent was private. What was public like, around here? Naruto?

And What the hell was wrong with Naruto? This was the point where he had to jump in and accuse Kakashi of being a PERVERTTTT which would smoothly restore balance so that this whole thing could, just, disappear.

Ew. He didn't sign up for grappling slash fiction fantasies about a guy whose face he couldn't even see and another one, who was quite ripped if he might say so himself--

SNAP OUT OF IT, he slapped his cheeks. Left to his own devices with these people without any ninja work in focus on; Sasuke was going to get an embolism. He just knew it.

Wait. Why did he know Gai was ripped--

When Lee tore off his spandex, Sasuke had already half-convinced naked Gai with only a towel was a fever dream from the burns. He thought, hey, I'll think about the consequences of having ripped Gai as a fever dream later and what it implies, at least it wasn't real. Ha.

But then Lee had to tear off his clothes. Right in front of him, in fact, without moving to a side or going to a showering room or, maybe, have some decency and move but, no. That's what Gai did too. So did Naruto. So did...Neji.

Agent was the pervert, what was...? His vision was woozy.

"Sasuke!" Naruto called, very much naked  except for a towel around his torso like fucking everybody else, "What's wrong with you?"

And Sasuke inspected his position and found that he was now perched upon a wooden ceiling. So it wasn't just his brain that rode off to outer space in a rocket. His body had attempted it too. Hmm. Brain-to-Body-coordination. Important.

"Sasuke. Calm down." Kakashi said, mildly disturbed. He was also giving space, although he was confused. Space was nice. "Do we go ahead? Or are you coming with us?

With them? No, they were going together and why would anyone even-

Now to inspect other things, Sasuke gulped ferociously--which was a wild reaction in contrast to this absolute zen form of enlightenment underneath the human body (why do we need bodies anyway? Bodies are essentially clothes. And clothes can be torn off. In front of people. And you can also invite kids to your shower-hot-spring make-out session. Which is off-tangent but we already digressed--) dabbing at the moisture at his temples, they were all heading the same way.

And from this angle, there was no individual sauna.

The last thing he needed was this turning wild and then being roped into a ninja scheme that involved being introduced to make-out sessions at thirteen in front of thirteen year-olds.

They all went in.

Together.

"Oi, talk to me." Naruto nudged, lightly tapping Pretty Boy on the cheek, "Keep talking to me! Don't tell me you're dying!"

"We're dying." Hyuuga Neji hissed, snapping up straight to the full height of his torso, "If you're going to keep talking."

The blonde let out an unnecessarily loud sigh of relief, clouding the cave with more carbon dioxide --which Neji might have found funny someplace else. Now, bounded to him by rope and writhing for escape before the cave walls filled up completely with water, he was pretty sure his daily dose of Naruto had exceeded the limit for anybody sane.

"Oh well, whatever." Naruto waved his hand around conversationally, though it was more of a brush of knuckles that dug into Neji's own since they were bound together. Tightly. "You got a plan?"

They flipped themselves over to their backs, half-crouching just as liquid seeped into Naruto's fluff-fluff. It was reaching neck level. Fast. He continued, understandably panicking, "I mean, I obviously have one, dattebayo, but I'm checking if you have one, you have one, right--"

"Shut. up." Neji informed him through gritted teeth. A few seconds of wiggling later, he smirked in satisfaction.

"Wha-"Naruto began, then promptly clicked his jaw shut when he got a mouthful of rock dust. The blonde sputtered and cursed, wriggling out of the rope himself to dodge what felt like a landslide.

Exhaustion ignored, Naruto marveled, taking in the cracked ceiling of the cave, "Woah. Did you palm that thing without calling your attack out?"

"Of course I did," Neji scowled, "We're shinobi."

Right. Sneaky-sneaky, Naruto nodded, completely serious.

He put aside his wounded pride at not being able to have helped--Sasuke wasn't here anyway, meh--and helped Neji up, "That was seriously amazing."

Scowl dissolving into a smirk, the Hyuuga brushed the dust away.

'Now we just have to find that serial-killer-man bastard."

"Serial-killer-what?"

"You know? The guy that hit us? I'm pretty sure he's the--"

Another earthquake shook what was left of the cave's foundation, prompting an outpour of water. Naruto yelped, and they rolled away from the river bank.The blonde hit his head on a particularly blunt rock, which produced another yelp and unconsciousness.

"Naruto!" Neji called.

"My, my." the man licked his lips, "Guess I'll have to kill you myself."

Easy rope bindings. Fairly easy rock-jutsu made exterior. A well-timed chirp and swoosh to get the hostages on their feet.

"You were going to attempt it anyway." Neji sneered, settling into stance.

~2-and-a-half hours earlier~

"I am,"Sasuke burped to his disorted reflection, "okay."

"Perfect." After a beat, "Could be worse, ergo, this is perfect."

Water rippled and splattered, voices screeched YOOO HOYYY over his shoulder, and that broke the last of Sasuke's restraints.

There was no make-out session.

To all the lovely Gods that exist, you are wonderful and amazing. Keep at it--signed, Sasuke Uchiha.

There. was. no. make-out session.'

You, you would call him delusional. You didn't have the government slaughtering your family for red eyes.

Sasuke sobbed tears of pure joy into his hands, drawing his shirt closer.

"Now okay, prude?" Naruto laughed, dosing him with a good splash of water.

Leave me alone, "Hn." Sasuke replied, although he wanted to grin like a madman. So what if some kids were throwing water around? He had clothes on. He was safe.

"Hey, Sasuke?" the blonde inquired again, albeit softer. "Are you really crying, dattebayo?"

Naruto had come to know that despite the glares and putting-up-of-collars to make himself look cooler, the bastard was surprisingly quick to snap. 

All the stupid villagers looked at Naruto like he would burst into flames any second like the salt-chemical-thing Sakura-chan once told him about, so it was only right that he got to channel the same feelings at someone. 

Maybe not the same, since one, he'd never throw Sasuke out of the Hokage Tower if-when, obviously--he asked for something even if he was seconds away from combustion, and two, it wasn't like he was scared of a literal demon locked in the guy. 

Naruto was...scared for him? For was nicer than at. 

Thought-train he rarely boarded had to be pulled to a screeching halt when the bastard mutinously glared at him over his still-clothed shoulder and mouthed strange incantations (stoopeid nae-kehd keeds y dooh i ee-van--) that sent a shiver down Naruto's spine.

Was he praying?

"Is that an Uchiha bath ritual? The Hyuuga clan has one too, although it does require stripping, " Neji supplied unnecessarily. Sasuke had no idea what Naruto did during the Konoha Bonding Program, but the Hyuuga was talking. And apparently, Hyuuga Neji had a lot to say. Trivia, mostly. That never ended. Lee, Naruto and Neji. Coupled with Tenten and Sakura and Gai. Adieu, Quiet. Adieu, peace.

 "It's roots are in religion like many other rituals, but only the main branch gets to practice them, obviously." Neji sneered.

"Told you your clan's fancy," Naruto grimaced

Tact, Naruto. Sasuke mentally rolled his eyes. Not the best thing to say to an orphan. 

He didn't know what pills Naruto took for Tact powers when confronted with enemies. Does adrenaline have that effect on blood?

"They don't even let you strip in a hot spring? Ouch."

"Neji! Naruto-kun! Uchiha-kun!" Lee announced, big, round, eyes wide with excitement, "Is that a snail? We must release it into the wild!"

Ew. Snails. But it would be interesting watching it go, though. It sounded pretty neat, Sasuke slightly nodded at the prospect.

But, Lee had also proposed (and convinced Naruto) they have a swimming contest in the middle of non-dive-ble hot springs with terrifying stones (twin bumps on their heads were testimony) so maybe Lee wasn't to be trusted.

Speaking of Lee, where did he--

"KONOHAAAAAA--"

For the first time ever in his understandably short life that left much-to-be-desired, defying all laws of physics the jagged edges of wood came at him first, narrowly missing him by the ear. Then the sound registered, a high, piercing scream against the distinct backdrop of the unpleasant crunch of many-a-bones and planks.

"--AAA CRUSHHH!"

Sasuke had already ducked into the water to avoid death by splinter, so all he did was pull Naruto and Neji down too by the edges of their towels into the springs. 

Thirdly, the next scream pierced its way into the stratosphere, and Sasuke clamped his ears shut.

"PERVERTTT!"

He would have been glad to hear that thirty minutes ago, Naruto, not--

oh wait. It wasn't Naruto.

It was Sakura. Who was supposed to be at the women's, separated by a neat, thick fence. And also the one who was undoubtedly mirroring the horror in his eyes with her own across the empty space where a fence once sat in tranquility.

It was possible the deity only heard the "Adieu peace." part. Drat.

"Do not worry, Sakura-san!" Lee exclaimed, pleased with himself, and letting the towel dangle. Dangle, on what was left of the fence and not on his most heroic parts, "I have apprehended the person in question!" He made a gesture towards the ball of white fluff at his feet, rimmed with red in the corners that vaguely twitched. 

Where had he seen that before....?

The silence hung in the air, Tenten sucking in her breath. She steeled her nerves and went up to her teammate, while the pinkette beside her gasped. The towel was primly pointed towards and Lee cocked his head, confused. 

Even Naruto's jaw had dropped open, which Sasuke politely closed for him. Welcome to my world, he said telepathically, where nothing, cringing a little at how Lee gasped in True Confusion, and absolutely nothing makes an ounce of sense.

These kids were too used to not being hurled into a ninja dimension. Serves them right.

Finally, Neji broke the silence. Blandly. "Is he...alive?"

"Yes!" Lee flashed him an enthusiastic smile.

Sakura seemed to regain her function of speech, "The towel. If you would." she waved a hand at the thing, too muddled to keep track of what was to be embarrassed about. Her eye twitched, Inner coming to the decision from previous experiences, that in confusing situations there was undoubtedly something to direct her temper towards.

"OoOh." Lee made a little sound, moving his eyebrows around in the process, "This is what you were trying to tell me, Tenten!"

At the same time, the red puddle on the ground croaked, "You don't know me!"

Very flamboyantly too, as flamboyant you could be, on the ground waving around an aging scroll,'' I am Jiraaaaaiyahh!"

His last notes ended with a wet cough.

A sure-fire way to spot drama was when Sasuke had the impression that the person in question would have sashayed their enormous blob of hair around--only for verbal PS notes--if they hadn't broken their backbone, "...One of the sannin."

"Oh, man." Tenten groaned, that could only be a can-reality-please-stop-disappointing-? which Sasuke could enthusiastically agree with. "You got to be Tsunade-sama's team mate?"

Jiraiyaaaah of the Sanin grinned distastefully.

Agent and Gai-sensei had discovered them three minutes into the Jiraiyahhh-of-the-sanin spiel, Naruto howling bullshit about protecting Sakura's innocence with a lot of jumping around while water slid dangerously down his waistline.

"Again?" Kakashi wearily addressed Jiraiya of The Sanin, or The Sexual Predator, if you will, although the man in question had his face flatly pressed to the ground.

"Ah, the great Jiraiya-sama of the Sanin." Gai nodded.

"Hello to you too." he said back, dragging his face away from wet stone. "And you as well, kids." The last bit was thrown at the thirteen-year-olds.

"I don't want your hello's!" Naruto tried to grab his attention, stomping his feet. Every deity under the cloud favored this kid. What if there had been something sharp under there? "Don't you dare go near Sakura-chan again, you Pervert!"

"Naruto!" Sasuke could hear Sakura screech hotly. Fully expected it, in fact.

Instead, he got, "Maybe you should be the one to tamp it down a bit." she mumbled thoughtfully, eyes darting between Naruto's lower half and Predator who was quickly encroaching Pedophile territory.

Ew, Sasuke shuddered (he was doing that a lot today), eyes darting towards Kakashi and Gai who had their mouths pressed into a line (creative freedom with Kakashi, and all that) as they dragged the uncomfortably familiar Jiraiya of the Sanin away. They weren't worried about pedophiles? This was worse than the make-out session.

Okay, no. Nothing was worse than the make-out session.

"Y-You--" Heat prickled Naruto's skin, the Uzumaki quickly dunking into the water. He crossed both his arms at his chest, scandalized. "Don't touch me!" 

Neji decided to sit this conversation out, moving towards the edges of the spring, a confused Lee on tow.

"Ay, kid." The pervert psssh-ed, "I'm not into little boys."

"Naruto!" now Sakura screeched hotly, "Don't believe him! That's what perverts say!"

Oh, the temper was directed at Jiraiya.

"Hn," Sasuke pitched in with disgust, gesturing towards the women's. He had still left an important detail out.

Sakura nodded subtly, inching away from the guy, "You didn't say anything about female children, you pervert!"

"Now, now," Kakashi placated, working on diffusing the situation, "I don't think Jiraiya-sama's that kind of person."

"True that." Jiraiya agreed, going for a Ha! and failing miserably when he realized his backbone was jelly. The failed ha had a morose effect, which, again, picked at Sasuke's memory. Where did he...

"Probably," Kakashi mumbled on his way out, earning an affronted gasp from his team. Tenten merely resigned herself to the madness.

Despite the reassurance, Gai and Kakashi endeavored to steer the man away from the hot springs a little too pointedly.

"Thanks for the wallet, kid." they heard the muffled gesture of gratitude behind the sliding door.

Wallet?

Wallet...Red...Old...

"Hn!" Sasuke clapped a hand to his forehead, pointing at the doors. It all made sense! This was that guy!

"What is it?" Tenten enquired, perplexed. Both of her teammates had already left to change, Neji dragging Lee before he could pull something.

"Naruto!" Sasuke tried to explain, but he couldn't grab the frog wallet since they were in the spring.

"ITS HIM! THE THIEF OLD MAN!" Naruto roared.

Sakura's eyes shot open in recognition.

A rare instance of intellectual clarity?

"That absolute bastard--" literal fumes poured out of his ears and not in wisps, "Not a bastard bastard--" he paused, giving Sasuke a reassuring look for some reason, "-just worse, in a bad way!"

"Apple, pineapple, lotus, daughters my foot! I'm gonna get him! I swear I will!"

Tenten grinned, although she had no idea what was happening. Only that nobody else liked Tsunade-sama's teammate either. Somebody like that guy got to be Her teammate. How unfair is that?

"We'll get him, right?" Naruto swiveled his head around, face contorted into a rictus of malice. Dark clouds gathered around him like the ones on Crayon Shinchan when everything was painted dark purple, and the blonde snickered conspiratorially, ducking his head, "Right?"

Yikes. Whatever Naruto did, Sasuke would agree with. But did he want to participate in this mess? Did he want to risk imprisonment in ninja jail over murdering a guy--oh no, Naruto's moral compass would never let him murder-- but the look on Sakura's face, on the other hand.

That might escalate into it.

And that was only if there was ninja jail. If they could wipe out a whole block of the same family, they could wipe out three kids.

"Naruto," Sakura said firmly, in a tone that hopefully suggested that she would be holding him back if she wasn't stark naked, "It's Cherry and Plum, you idiot."

Oh, of course not. Sasuke groaned. She was gonna jump on the revenge wagon too.

"Then we rendee-vooo." Naruto widened the dark, shadowy smile, "behind the hot-springs. Those bushes and shrubs."

"I, too, would like to Rendezvous, Naruto-kun!" Lee approved of the plan tremendously, banging the sliding door open. Neji just shook his head, but nodded slightly.

When did he become agreeable? And what were they doing walking in on people bathing? Sasuke pretty much palmed his downstairs in apprehension, only for them to land on cargo-pant material. 

Clothes, huh? Nice one, me.

"Hn," Sasuke rubbed at the incoming headache, tut-tutting disapprovingly. These kids were going to be the death of him.

Neji narrowly missed a shove to his elbow, hooking the man's left leg with his own to throw him off-kilter. There was a sharp cry that he registered to be his own, followed by a hiss of pain as the serial-killer-man (Naruto's words, not his) cracked his right elbow and took it with him in the fall. The series of Doton threatened to drown him in quicksand, and he jumped from the site, aiming for a kick.

Damn it all. This was not a long-range fight. He shouldn't be losing.

"Stop struggling," the man whispered abruptly, staring at Neji from where he lay on the ground, "I'll make it quick."

Before Neji could scoff, or better, spit, the man slid between his feet and turned his back on him cleanly, and jabbed into his back.

But he was losing. He didn't have the time to do anything--let alone bring out a Palm with how fast the mud pinned him. But it wasn't supposed to be too fast--everyone said he was enough and a genius, not Hiashi genius or Hiashi would have a gash where his heart is, was, not Gai-sensei genius, but genius enough to keep a man from killing him and a blonde fool--

Unless. Unless this was his fate.

Brief retreat, recoil, movement of stone's dying down.

Jutsu that required a certain radius, Neji theorized, trying to put some distance.

The man swang wildly, and maybe for the first time in his life, Neji breathed a sigh of relief instead of exasperation that he was on Gai-sensei's team. This taijutsu was insane, but was it better than Gai-sensei's drills? Not really.

But Gai-sensei's drills ceased when one of them was on the verge of fainting. This man here, Neji breathed, ragged, was here to kill.

"Doton!" the man laughed, "Torappingu no Jutsu!" Neji was caught off-guard by the sudden use of chakra. He knew he could dodge that, but--

It wasn't Torappingu no jutsu at all.

Soil snaked up his feet, and chakra he sent to steel it was disregarded like a paper plane in the gale. It was that cursed kekkai-genkai, needed him close and closer. It thickened into mud, and then into stone, and this was when Neji knew.

He was dying.

"You're dying." the man said blandly, almost pouting. "So fast."

He circled him slowly, inspecting his work.

"I told you it'd be quick if you stopped, but I didn't mean it." he rolled his eyes, "This is absolutely no fun."

Oh no. Neji was going to show him fun. He was going down, but he wasn't going down giving him the satisfaction of him going down. Odd how that worked.

"This is merely my fate." Neji said, almost conversationally like Naruto had earlier, when they were drowning. Oh no, Naruto. He was dying next. He kept his voice level. Schooled his face into one from a firm-jawed anatomy model, "My destiny. You are, in fact, freeing me from my cage."

It was mostly filler, but he found that they fit. No, he still didn't want to 'understand' his father's options. But yes, he liked coming to terms with his death more...positively.

"Oh?" the man's eyebrows rose, minutely put out. ''So I'm getting thanked for killing you?" He rolled on the balls of his feet before suddenly turning pale. Neji smirked back at him, grabbing him by the hem of his whirlpool-infested kimono. Of course they were going down together. "You brat." he snarled, "You didn't--"

"But, oh yes." Neji returned faux-sympathetically, nodding at the explosive tags that would detonate in a second, "I had to return the favor, serial-killer-man."

Neji squeezed his eyes shut. He was hoping that Tenten had gathered about his extreme revulsion towards Hiashi from his grunts. He couldn't count on the more obtuse (that was putting it mildly) members of his team to punch the Head Of The Family in the face as a Death Gift after all.

 Did Death Gifts exist? Not in the Hyuuga clan, at least.

He was pleasantly surprised at his subconscious belief that they probably would punch the Head of The Clan if that was his death wish, no questions asked, even if it sounded ridiculous to his own ears. That was a good thing to die for. Probably. Other than a fellow Konoha-nin, of course. The Konoha nin who would assume a meteor happened when he wakes up to grass charred and patterned with dead bodies going by his level of intellect.

It was mildly unpleasant that he would die before seeing Naruto dumbfounded though. The kid was funny*.

Anytime now, the ground would explode and serial-killer-man would stop twisting against his hold. Anytime now. Any--

"WHO THE HELL," bellowed One Uzumaki Naruto, and a blanket of Narutos grabbed his legs startling serial-killer so much that Neji struggled to keep a hold on him, "BUILDS A CAVE HOUSE ON A RIVER?" 

''And you," Naruto pointed, muttered a quiet kage bushin no jutsu!, "What kind of stupid fate bullshit, I'm not even going to point things out--"

The exploding tags did their job. But like all the other things in Neji's life, not as extravagantly as he would have liked it to. The Uzumaki Naruto Blanket weaved with at least a hundred (how the-) of him had held it to their chests, and the tags had gone off in a pitiful whine along with at least 70 Narutos.

"Ouch! Ouch! Didn't know they could get to me!" Naruto squeaked, brushing off invisible dust, "That's done, dattebayo." the blonde sagged in relief.

He changed stances into a passionate howl three seconds later, summoning more clones "You can't die on me, got that?! We're not dying! I AM DONE WITH LIARS, DATTEBAYO, FIRST THAT OLD MAN THIEF, THEN MATSUKATA--"

Between his attempts to shake away three Naruto's crawling all over him, Serial-killer-man- now Matsukata (God, these Matsukata's hated him. The one earlier threatened his sanity, and the one right now was attempting to murder him--)stared at him, owlishly, as if to say what in the everloving hell? while another hundred clones crumbled the stone enclosing his legs.

"--CAN EVERYBODY PLEASE SAY THE TRUTH?! AND YOU, WHEN I'M HOKAGE YOU DON'T GIVE ME BIRD POETRIES, YOU GIVE SAKURA-CHAN SCROLLS TO FIX THINGS AND SHE'LL TELL ME WHAT THE SCROLLS ARE ABOUT YOU--"

"If it helps," Neji said blandly. Tried to say blandly, since he was pretty sure he wasn't shaking only because of his extended life-span. "I was rather hoping he wouldn't wake up."

And if Neji laughed at the face of impending death, then well,  nobody could blame him. Uzumaki Naruto, he thought, pressing an impressively released burst of chakra into Matsukata's elbow joint, was just too funny to ignore.

Chapter Text

Birds took flight away from the warehouse, their tiny legs leaving it's chimney. Sakura remembered reading somewhere that animals always knew where the danger was. 

Her nails dug into the warehouse door in trepidation. 

Sharp slaps of skin against skin notified her of Sasuke-kun going around smacking Lee-san and Tenten-san on the face.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura hissed disapprovingly, voice carriying through the barely lit room, "Hitting is not a good idea to wake them up--"

If Sasuke doubted why the kunoichi was playing pretend-manners when no one was watching for even a second, it was on him. 

Of course she wasn't worried about hitting people! he almost-squealed in surprise as the leg warmers grazed his throat, she was worried about ninja instincts!

"Uchiha-kun!" Lee gasped, frowning at his leg to forcefully undo the damage it had done to the air uncomfortably close to Sasuke's neck, "I most certainly apologize! For this, I will do one-hundred-and-forty rounds around this Land of Rivers!"

"H-Hn--" Sasuke managed to gurgle out, rubbing at his throat, It's okay let's just get out of this place--

"I do not know what came over me! This is most disgraceful! But it is our youthful times and I trust we make these mistakes--"

"Lee-san--" Sakura tried to interject.

"No! I must strive for a thousand! As soon as we escape here!" the boy continued, determination oozing out of his spandex-pores. 

"Better, once we escape here, I will take rounds around the much larger Konoha! Will this satisfy you, my friend--"

"HN." Sasuke glaring at him aggressively.

He stopped for a second, finally taking the time to look around, "But I must ask, where exactly is here, Uchiha-kun?"

"That's what we were getting it!" Sakura sighed in frustration, "He has Naruto and Neji! I'm not sure he's reached the river by now but we took detours because that guy wanted to shake people off! We need to get there fast but I'm sure Tenten-san has a concussion--"

All three pairs of eyes glanced at the brunette lying in a heap. And then at Sasuke who had decidedly been shaking her awake.

What? She should've said that before he started the slap-a-dap!

"--she just won't wake up! They're going to get killed! I couldn't even work up the nerve to fight there at the river bank because I was so sure he was just hiding them and--urgh!"she stomped her feet, helping Lee up to channel her frustrated energy somewhere.

Someone's taking after Lee on exclamation marks, Sasuke groaned. As if on cue, the other boy scrambled up to take stock of his female teammate in exaggerated grief.

They had been hit on their heads. Every single one of them, knocked out by a fairly standard earth jutsu. Sasuke would have thought the Uchiha body came with some head mutation too, but nooo, only Sakura who sent chakra to her head in the split second stayed awake. 

Come to think of it, Team Gai being the Great Senpai hypothetically could have seen it coming with the mystic eyes if Neji wasn't squabbling with Naruto. When in confusion, blame it on Naruto first, Ninja world second.

"Following our escape, I will carry TenTen and do the rounds after we rescue Neji and Naruto-kun!" Lee suddenly announced, with a passionate clench of his fist.

Sasuke wasn't sure about Naruto, but everyone definitely had to start on early prayers for Neji. The blonde was protoganist. He lectured Zabuza, for God's sake. Sasuke couldn't remember what exactly Zabuza's significance or title was, but there was something about the enormous sword inches away from Naruto he would never, ever forget.

But Neji, though. Neji could be fodder. He even seemed to be the condescending kid in an otherwise alright group taken to the protagonist after The protagonist Action inspires him (which in  Naruto's case was The Protagonist Speech), straight out of a how-to-a-dying-character-in-an-episode-make.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura called after him, "Wait!"

Before Sasuke had known it, he was a few yards away from the warehouse. There was some 30% chance Neji died by hitting his head, another thirty he died by accident, and another thirty by sacrifice. Sasuke was banking everything on a ten percent.

Neji's demise was a simple thing, but Team Gai didn't deserve that. Heck, Neji with his creepy eyes and superiority complex didn't deserve that. Why were they not more worried? God, what had he even gotten himself into?

This place sucked.

He eased into a halt, giving her a frown to see what was wrong.

"We're sending Kakashi-sensei a message." Sakura grinned, pinning her hair up in a bun. "You have the scroll on you, right?"

"EEK! This guy's worse than Sakura-chan!" Naruto screeched, watching another one of his clones dissipate. "I knew I got the lamer element, dattebayo!!"

"Your clone stepped on your explosive." Neji ground out, dodging rock spiking out to his left. He blocked Masukata's elbow, stepping out of another haphazard explosion tag's way and sought to block the man's chakra flow  from his outer thigh.

Only for him to skip out the Hyuuga's way. Again.

Matsukata wasn't anything special. His taijutsu was average once you got used to it, ninjutsu fairly complemented his form, and any other jutsu he whipped out were ones you saw everyday. What he was, was tricky.

Paired with getting stuck on a tag-team with Uzumaki Naruto who probably had good (read: mostly desperate and self destructive) ideas once in a full moon, Neji was not having a good time.

"My, my, using Hyuuga-techniques, are we?" half-torn whirlpool kimono tut-tutted.

Matsukata was special in his unoriginality. Lulling enemies into a false sense of--

"Oi." Naruto squinted at the exchange in the middle of throwing shuriken. "It's like you aren't even trying, dattebayo," he commented, shaking his head as if he was very unimpressed by the performance the other man put on, "Are you trying?"

Don't get Naruto wrong, he was sure he could whoop the guy's ass. But like Kaka-sensei said, always look underneath the underneath like sneaky shinobi. 

"You're weird."

After the speech on Hina-Hina's and his relationship, Neji really had been considering....respecting this kid. Oh well.

"What did you say?" Matsukata scowled, stopping one of his shuriken.

The blonde continued, very suspicious, "Yeah man, you're kinda sus. You're not even doing anything!"

"NARUTO!"

A blur of pink hovered in the horizon, getting closer and closer to the riverbank. 

"NARUTO!" Sakura shouted again, cupping her mouth,  "HE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING BECAUSE NEJI-SENPAI'S DOING EVERYTHING FOR YOU! STOP BOTHERING PEOPLE!"

Greens, blues and browns quickly followed her, clipped conversations more and more audible.

"It could be psychological warfare, Sakura-san!" Lee vouched, shifting Tenten on his back.

"Naruto? Reading up on psychological warfare?"

"....Hn." Sasuke finally gave an opinion with emoting, contemplating the prospect, Now that I think about it, he's good at talking. Can't cancel it out.

"Hm...?" Lee tilted his head in confusion.

"He is good at it...you do make a point." Sakura agreed, nodding subtly, "And the enemy hasn't even taken out any proper kekkei genkai yet. It is suspicious..."

It's because we've fought only weirdos, Sasuke scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"What did you mean, Uchiha-kun--"

"We can get him  if we all band together, shannaro!" Sakura injected fake-positivity into her tone, fist-pumping.

Now to deal with the guy who kidnapped them.

"Uchiha...kun?" Lee was left behind.

"Sasuke! Sakura-chan!" another Naruto grinned exuberantly and waved, perched on a tree, "Bushy-brows and Tenten! Hey, what happened to--"

The other Naruto toiling under the hot sun against an enemy whipped his head at the clone accusingly. 

Sasuke strongly applauded the betrayal. Even half-panting from the running and nausea slowly taking root in his stomach (maybe getting hit on the head isn't a good idea even in a ninja dimension) he would agree.

The kid made way too many shadow clones even outside battle for his own good. 

If they stopped listening to him, maybe everyone else would have a reprieve.

"Oi, you shut up!" Original Naruto complained, still stuck at throwing shuriken, "Did you just give up on fighting this guy? Disperse, disperse!"

"Aw, but he wasn't doing anything!" Clone whined, bringing two fingers for the salute of a forlorn soldier expecting death neverthless. He bid farewell somberly, "Bye, boss."

Right, that wasn't psychological warfare. The Naruto hive-mind did think the guy was genuinely suspicious. For the wrong reasons, of course.

But sometimes his intuition scared Sasuke--

From a distance, athing weaved it's way through the air with a landing so fluid it inspired ice-skaters around the world. The one it didn't inspire, was Uzumaki Naruto who now had something brown and muddy on his head. 

"Is that..." Sakura trailed off, squinting.

Naruto squeaked, swatting at his head in utter confusion. The Pug, on the other hand--Pakkun--blinked sedately in slow annoyance as if someone had taken refuge on his head. He dug his heels into Naruto's hair one more time before cutting through the air in a prize-worthy leap, this time burrowing into a waiting Lee's arms.

"Gai beat you in the kids department, brat " Pakkun muttered in distaste, swatting at his own ear to mock a prancing Naruto, "No respect whatsoever."

Sasuke watched in awe at the talking dog. It was kind of hard to get used to that. There wasn't the novelty of doing something Pokemon didn't do when practicing fire jutsu. Or any elemental jutsu, for that matter.

"Oi! You--" Naruto began, only to be shut down by the yells of the dog for Kakashi.

At around the same time Tobi sprang on Sasuke himself, who tumbled a bit under the sudden force.

"Nidaime-kun! You're here too!" Sakura cheered, "Then that means..."

"Kaka-sensei! Guys! Come on!" Naruto yelled, "Matsukata's a serial killer!"

This was not how you invited friends over. No wonder no one in the village liked Naruto (he was hyperbole-ing here, but it did feel that way sometimes). If he was like this now he couldn't imagine the misguided attempts at friendship spanning over his earlier years.

Kakashi, approaching the site of the fight stared. "What."

Sasuke had no thoughts, head empty.

Actually. Except for one teeny-tiny though: Politely, what the fuck.

Yeah, everyone in the clearing at the moment were technically serial killers/serial killers in training by definition, but a someone these guys called a serial killer (and he'd watched Zabuza and Agent pummel Gato's thugs)? Oh shit.

"I am truly confused!" Lee confessed for the four (minus one for a sleeping Tenten so three) of them, "Were you previously acquainted with this Matsukata? "

His eyebrows wiggled in his True Confusion, and this time he didn't speak for all of them, "Was he under a henge the whole time?! The fiend!"

"No, Lee." Neji sighed deeply, some of the blandness leaving him for True Pain. They had kind of forgotten that he was the only one fighting at this point, "Matsukatas hate us. This is another one."

Sasuke wasn't even sure what was happening anymore.

"And what happened to Tenten?" Neji frowned, the motions of the fight subsiding. 

"She has a concussion." Sakura explained, though her tone said probably, "I'm sure she's gonna be oka--"

"TenTen!" Gai-sensei sobbed.

"Alright." Kakashi interrupted pointedly, changing the subject, "I don't understand, but Team Gai ran into another Matsukata. But we ran into this Matsukata here--"

"And he said he was looking for a serial killer!" Naruto pitched in.

And now he is the serial killer? Sasuke needed to sit down to warp his head around this.

But there was, as always, no time to sit down.

A blast to the left said that the fight couldn't be put on hold anymore with the last of Naruto's clones destroyed.

It was...quite awkward. There were about seven of them while Serial Killer was one person. And he was so, so focused on Naruto's clones that Sasuke... actually hesitated to conjure up a fireball out of pity.

"Lee!" Neji commanded, blocking an explosive seal from detonating, "Take the rear!"

He was presumably one-hundred-percent done with team seven's feature of extensive talking in the middle of battle. Honestly, Sasuke could relate, but here he was, inwardly monologuing, so--

"You brats!" Matsukata sneered, earlier smoothness all forgotten. His hands curled into signs for another earth jutsu, "You've squabbled for more than enough time. Now The Sanin and you Konoha nin will regret ever--"

Lee laid Tenten on the ground softly in determination, walking over to the battle field in slo-mo. One second he was here.

And in the other second it took for Sasuke to tut-tut about how unsanitary laying on the ground was, he had kicked the teeth out of Matsukata's jaw.

Monologuing, it seemed, only favored people close to Naruto. Matsukata decidedly didn't reap its benefits.

There was a moment of silence when Neji casually blocked some chakra-pathways. 

"Or don't take the rear." he said finally, dusting his hands after finishing up.

Mounting Team Gai's kunoichi on his back, Sasuke inched closer to the blonde.

"You will not escape, Fiend!" Gai-sensei erupted in passion. His earlier silence had been used for expressing exaggerated grief over his team's weapon master's state. "You will not! Not after what you did to our TenTen--"

The sudden onslaught of sound and sobs made Tenten twitch against his back. He adjusted her a bit to avoid toppling over. The earlier nausea had been building up in the pit of his stomach into something deeply sinister and he wasn't sure he could take sudden movement any time soon (Yes, everyone. Surprise! the danger of a situation in your head was inversely proportional to the actual discomfort it brought. Needles from Haku were definitely better than getting hit on the head)

Agent had to practically carry Gai away from either murdering Matsukata or sobbing all over Sasuke's back.

Sasuke felt for Agent, he really did, but that was what you got for being a couple with someone like Gai.

(It was also because Sasuke was slightly petty he hadn't figured them out before)

"I'LL GET YOU!" Matsukata roared. The effect was dimmed with how...immobile he was.

But the sound. It did it.

Tenten jumped out of her skin--literally and figurately, which was really damn inconvenient for Sasuke, who had been carrying her. Both the kunoichi and Uchiha lay on the ground in a heap, groaning at tanking the fall. A disoriented Tenten wriggled around to familiarize herself with locomotion, which in simpler terms read;

She rolled over a lot and ended up crushing Sasuke and his sick tummy.

Since he had the body of a brave genin of 13, Sasuke dragged a hand across his face, slapping at cheeks. One last time before he jumped off a cliff. This was it. All his well-crafted dignity, down the drain. This was not doing good things for his stomach and he was puking. Now--

"'Ey!" an unfamiliar voice called, mock-exasperated, "Try not to kill him, kiddos! I need the bounty!"

Neji scanned the area, flinching at the sound.

"Who...?" Naruto squinted

"Matsukata-san! It is you!" Lee answered for him, unbearably happy to be seeing someone with the serial killer's name. 

Will they not let him regurgitate in peace? The need to be in know quelled all vomiting. 

With all these name mash-ups, Sasuke was never trusting any Matsukata ever. Call it superstition, but he was just being cautious. 

Sakura, as always, spoke last, mentally trying to catalogue everything that happened.

(Sasuke was the one who actually spoke last when things came up, but he didn't speak at all most of the time, so it probably didn't count.)

"So we fought a bounty hunter Matsukata who turned out to be the serial killer he warned us about, and now you're another bounty hunter Matsukata after him?" she tried. She was immediately blown away by (Fake) Matsukata's screams and thrashing around, so to spite him the kunoichi held him down in a lock.

Scratches against a scroll.

"I know my name's fab, Striker Ryouta," The Real (?) Matsukata sighed in fake exasperation, crouching down to the other's eye level, "But I'd like it you don't take the job too, ya' know?"

Sakura gasped, "He told us his name too. He's Striker Ryouta!"

Oh well. That explained his ire at Kakashi not recognizing his name.

More scratches against the scroll from the canopy's direction.

Fake Matsukata, now Ryouta bared his teeth in annoyance, eyes glossing over the bounty hunter who's identity he had faked.

He was fixated on Jiraiya, jotting down nonsense (if Agent's books were anything to go by. Naruto had somber ranting sessions about how it's writing sucked with female anatomy. I was trying a proper sexy jutsu, dammit! Watch out, Teme. Everything's misleading, dattebayo.) on his scroll.

The old man had turned up too and with impressive stealth (okay fine, Sasuke was too focused on his stomach and everyone else were loud) and hid in plain sight.

"Jiraiya of the Sanin," he growled slowly, "I'll get you!"

"What did you do to him?" Sakura yelled, holding Ryouta down from thrashing. Sasuke was pretty sure the guy would be dead if he moved with a chakra pathway block... but nobody was saying anything so he kept mum. What did Konoha care about serial killers anyway? It'd be easier to let him die than carry him back all the way to--

"Stop moving!" Sakura thwacked the guy on the head. "You'll die!"

Sometimes. Sometimes Sasuke hated his teammates with every fiber of his being.

"Ero-Sanin!" Naruto called to the man too, harried. "Why--" he paused in between, seeming to realize he could technically summon up clones to do the holding-work for him, "--Why's he after you?!"

As if Matsukata's snarl personified, the area blew up in all their faces.

All of Naruto's clones detonated, and the boy himself flew deep under a fortress of more clones. The pink-headed kunoichi too swerved out of the explosion's way, taking the actual Naruto down with her.

Team Gai, too busy fretting over Tenten snapped back into reality, while Agent seemed disappointed with the laws of the universe that induced drama.

"What the--"

"I TOLD YOU!" Matsuka--sorry, Ryouta cackled maniacally, "Jiraiya of the Sanin, I'll get--

Smoke. Smoke from clones blasting left and right, Agent's physics-bending fire jutsu and a large silhouette bending down.

It all cleared to reveal a massive blob of red swallowing Matsuka--Ryouta quite peacefully.

Sasuke's jaw grazed the ground.

For a split second he was sure that was Jiraiya of the Sanin pulling Harry Potter and transfiguring into things. Namely, animals. Though ninja had henges, didn't they? Naruto became a whole-ass-fuuma shuriken once. Why not animals then?

That theory was thrown right out of the window when a shock of white hair emerged from between one of the trees.

"Thanks, Gamabunta." Jiraiya waved cheerily.

"Keep it, Jiraiya. Hurry up, this kid's giving me a stomach ache. " the enormous frog, it was a. frog--It talked. Why wouldn't frogs talk when dogs did but it was a...

Matsukata (real) waved cheerily too, letting everyone know that he would know be evacuating spaces close to showy Konoha-nin.

And he did. Said something to Gai, pat Team Gai on the heads and ran for his life, bounty forgotten.

The frog mumbled under it's breath, "Just don't write anymore."

An enormous frog with enormous warts and enormous..

Sasuke joined Tenten in puking his heart out. And he really did hope he puked his heart out. At least he wouldn't get a heart attack then. It would be safe from gignormous fro...

He went for another round.

"Oi!" Jiraiya complained, "You said you liked Hime! She uses slugs! Big ones!"

Finally digging Naruto out of a clone fortess, Sakura snapped, "Slugs are better than frogs but go off."

"They have oil stuff on their skin though," Naruto scrunched his nose in distaste, "But I guess frogs have that weird sticky thing out of their mouth.

Tenten and Sasuke exchanged glances.

Neji dutifullly held the kunoichi's hair out of her face in sympathy.

The Uchiha  knew there was a reason he liked Tenten.

They went for another round.

Blue skies, green Konoha forests, invisible Obito.

Another normal day of spying.

It was only once in, well, forever, that Obito spied on Konoha now. He knew most things that mattered, and everything he didn't gradually made it's way to him--either in the middle of one of Pain's psychotic break downs, or Konan's debriefings.

But it was a day off. Sasori and Deidara were attached to the hip however much they pretended otherwise. Somebody he couldn't remember the name of was right about opposite poles attracting. It wasn't any comradery, no sir, but their opinions were so on the opposite sides of the same spectrum that they couldn't help but clash.

Constantly.

Which kept them close.

And if somebody in an orange mask messed up some of Sasori's supplies and left a trail of clay, nobody had to know.

So Tobi was down a partner and plenty of time to spy around for his own leisure.

He peeked into the Hokage's office, taking his place by a roof. Then he just needed to go through the wall and bask in the pleasure that dancing around right under The Hokage's nose brought.

What stopped him in his tracks though, was Kakashi's team doing the dancing for him.

Or more precisely, sensei's kid--God, the resemblance was too strong. How did pathetic Kakashi who wouldn't leave grave stones even stand looking at him?-was dancing around for him, waggling a finger at his...sensei.

How weird, someone Obito's age being a Sensei. 

Maybe he could have a team in the tsukyomi. 

Daydreaming aside, the kid was screaming now, shrill voice ignoring glass that was supposed to block it altogether. If Obito wanted to listen properly he could cross through the wall. But Obito didn't want to listen to anything Kakashi's team had to say. This was just. idle curiosity. So he pressed closer to the glass separating the Hokage Office and a view to the Hokage Mountains and listened.

Out of idle curiousity.

"--said Konoha did something to him! It's us! Why aren't we interested, huh?!"

"But he's a serial killer, Naruto!" pink hair tried to shush him, only getting louder in the process.

"Do you really want to listen to him?" the kunoichi in twin buns asked skeptically. There was purple under the sick translucency of her skin, the fact that she'd rather be retching in a washroom on display. "He's probably going to T & I with all his glorious craziness."

The Last Uchiha perked up in interest at that.

"Yeah, but what he said had something to do with Ero-sanin so excuse me if I wanted to listen." the blonde crossed his arms out of stubbornness, "This is like, we're cheating our way out of the story not finishing the whole thing."

The rest of Gai's team watched the scene in awkward silence, even the one that looked like a mini Gai keeping quiet.

They went on missions together now? Obito wasn't surprised. Gai and Kakashi were so tight-knit now, leading their own group of killers to continue a miserable cycle in all their miserable existences. 

"We're ninja, Naruto." Kakashi spoke out of turn. He usually sounded obnoxiously cheery these days, but maybe that's changed in the years Obito hadn't visited. Now he just sounded absolutely exhausted with the state of his life, "We kill, we lie,  we cheat and steal to get our missions done. If you wanted to do otherwise you should have been a samurai."

The 'Last Uchiha'--kid seemed much better than how Obito remembered him. More expressive too, with his disgust. This whole brainwashing about teams and happiness in a killer's land was getting to him too, probably--Sasuke, mouthed something around vah abovu shinobee onor?, a little scandalized.

Obito really had to brush up on his lip reading. Maybe he was getting carried away about how he could slip through walls and listen with ease. He didn't pride himself on espionage for nothing.

He would be nothing without the mangekyo if this went on.

"Fine."

A startled silence fell over the room.

Obito too inched closer to the glass in interest. 

Idle curiosity.

Potae-to, Potah-to.

"If you say I've gotta be samurai to work for myself then fine."

Sasuke recovered first, a slight smirk on his lips.

The rest of them blinked, a kunoichi from Gai's team pinching her...mini-Gai team-mate to see if this was a dream. The way the boy didn't even flinch at the pain seemed to be enough reassurance for her.

''What's a Hokage for samurai, Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked matter-of-factly like he had only asked her to pass a scroll from the shelf. "Hmm?"

"There..." pink-hair-- Sakura--trailed off, too surprised to even speak. The Uchiha nudged the Hyuuga kid, who cleared his throat.

"I don't think there is a Hokage Equivalent there, Naruto." he stated primly.

"Unless," Sakura interrupted, clearing her own throat. She had snapped out of a far-away look, "You're talking about the daimyo."

Naruto shot everyone in the room a smug look to show how not-stupid he was, consulting Sakura-chan. She was totally going to be his advisor.

At the Hokage's pained look, she continued rambling, "Um, I mean, Hokage-sama, sir. The Shogunate isn't working anymore so now it's just the daimyo's and their lands and the Samurais serve them, so. Technically, they'd be your level." she quickly amended, acting flustered. She was good for her age, but Obito had seen better. "I didn't mean, your level. But, politically, maybe."

Pink-hair shut up. She giggled in a show of oops, but all of her face was pointing towards how underwhelmed she was by the Great Hokage.

Obito looked on in amusement. It's not everyday you saw shinobi children educated about any sort of politics. Hi-no-kuni would have a grand political upheaval sometime in the future with how daimyos regulated everything without the centralized shogunate, and shinobi kids would calmly sip on tea and munch on dango, oblivious.

Just as Obito was spitting on the face of the cruel world in his head, sensei's son made a grand announcement.

"I'm gonna be daimyo then, dattebayo!"

The old man Sandaime sighed wearily, putting out his pipe.

Admittedly, Obito was curious what he would do next. This was on the list of safe things to admit for his sanity. The Sandaime never stopped smoking.

"Are you sure this is your path, Naruto?" he intoned gravely, looming in a show of herculean effort.

All genin in the room swallowed.

Oblivious to the bitter end, Gai fretted over Tenten.

Unperturbed to the bitter end, Kakashi blinked a sigh out of his eyes.

The Sandaime was a small man, but there was something imposing about a man who usually sat around hiding under wisps of smoke and a pointed hat finally standing up to his (admittedly not much) height.

"Yeah." Naruto swallowed again. "Yeah. I'm gonna be the daimyo."

Darkness crept up on him, the Sandaime's shadow inching closer and closer.

The Uchiha kid frowned hard at the Sandaime, dragging the blonde away an inch by his arm.

Obito nodded his head slowly in assent. It was unlikely the man would kill the nine-tailed-jinchuriki.

But he would need to be taken to a Yamanaka for brainwashing.

The Sandaime took another step forwards, staring right into Naruto's soul.

"Congratulations. That's a great dream." he smiled. Flowers bloomed, weeds uprooted themselves, Obito almost fell off the rooftop. Naruto's face lit up like a thousand fireworks. "You," The Hokage continued, shooing of imaginary lint from his shoulers, "Get to keep Tora the Cat!"

As if in the middle of the slow descent to hell (or one Hidan's obnoxious ramblings on Jashin), the Uzumaki's million dollar smile morphed into one of muted horror. It cemented itself on his face, and he seemed dizzy before Kakashi steadied him by his arm.

His team mates on the other hand, coughed violently. For a moment Obito thought the Hyuuga caught him, with how intensely he was staring at the glass pane, but it was just a deep desire to bolt out of the room.

And of course, he too joined in on the sputtering. What the hell was that damn cat doing alive? Minato-sensei said his team had caught the cat.

By the paleness of the Sanin's face, he too was deeply disturbed. This only served to disturb Obito further because that was exactly what he was feeling right now. And that meant Jiraiya had caught the same cat some hundred years ago too.

"It has been in the family of the daimyo for generations. And now I'm glad it'll go to a former Konoha-nin."

Kakashi watched them with glee even when he really should have not. He was a Konoha-nin. He should've been setting up traps around the daimyo's compound to kill the cat before Orochimaru got to it.

So much for Obito's leisurely stroll.

Obito contemplated flinging himself off the roof. And of course the Hokage would know advanced tactics to manipulate the minds of kids. He didn't even need to mention that the title of daimyo was passed down from father-to-son. Years and years of indoctrination should have made that clear.

But the kids  knew in a vague sense how cruel the world was at least. Maybe he could work with that when dealing with little Sasuke sometime in the future (that was if Itachi succeeded. Obito had about 3 whole back up plans).

"R-Ronin Uzumaki signing off, dattebayo!" Naruto stammered, scrambling into a salute and making a beeline for the doorway in a frenzy. Pink and blue followed hurriedly, albeit with little bows.

Like something out of a spy drama, the kids spoke in hushed whispers that Obito could hear from the other side of the glass.

It's been a long time since Obito's watched any spy drama.

"-hn--"

"--ight, you can kick hell cat out--"

"--but people will have to respect me right?--"

"--m, nobody likes the daimyo all that--"

"--eeehh?!"

Finally, Ronin Uzumaki emerged, battle worn.

"When I'm Hokage," he said slowly, scowling at the pleased look on the Hokage's face, "Shinobi are gonna be called Samurai, dattebayo."

This time it was the Hokage's face morphing into horror.

Team Gai looked oddly pleased, right until the kunoichi from their team excused herself for the lavatory. The rest of them followed her in worry.

Espionage was Obito's forte. He wasn't useless without the mangekyo after all.

If he was, he would be rolling off the roof, howling in laughter. Man, it was great watching the Hokage getting hounded by brats. He was responsible for a part of the cycle of war.

The Uchiha behind him nodded too, displeasure rolling off him in waves.

Sakura shook her head in fake-exasperation. "Excuse us, Hokage-sama. Just Naruto being Naruto"

She grabbed both boys by their arms and walked out of the Hokage Tower, humming.

The Hokage glared mutinously at Kakashi again for even planting the idea in the kid's head. 

"I'm new to children, Hokage-sama." The jonin shrugged, obnoxious cheeriness back full-throttle, "I'll make tiny mistakes here and there." he finished, clapping his hands together with a curve of his eye.

Aha, Kakashi had not lost his new-found sense of twisted humor. He must have had more to say. Kakashi was a smart ass, he always had more to say. 

But it wasn't voiced out because of a fear of authority.

There was something those annoying revolutionaries from mist wanted... What was that...? Yes.

Free speech.

Obito knuckled his fists. This military state needed to go down.

But what Hatake Kakashi was actually thinking was whether he locked the door to his apartment or not. 

Burglaries were on the rise after all.

"Did you find out what you did to him?" the Hokage asked wearily, after Team Gai had been ushered out of the room. They had to report their part of the story (or at least the Hyuuga did because nothing from Naruto made sense) and report had been a bit messy with some well-placed Youths! that Kakashi's zen-state of indifference balanced out, but they pieced it together in the end. There were whispers down the hall if Obito focused, so Kakashi's team probably stayed back after all to exchange information.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow at Jiraiya of the Sanin, still in the middle of his literary fancies. It seemed that he too, was interested in an answer.

The man nodded sagely, placing his brush neatly into exactly where it went.

"It was war." he said importantly, nodding like the sage he was definitely not.

The Hokage returned to his paperwork.

"So you didn't."

Obito almost hit the glass pane in abhorrence dramatically. Of course no one remembered the dead people. A cruel world it was.

"In my defense," Jiraiya tried, "He did try to frame me for a wallet thief."

Kakashi eyed the man for a moment, then his scroll of illustrious men and women, and said nothing.

Chapter Text

The morning had started well enough; a nice cup of coffee and another tomato from the crate. Everything from that point went downhill alarmingly quickly. 

Turned out that tomato was the one last tomato, and Sasuke, who had been conditioned by Previous Sasuke's lifestyle like some sick, Pavlov-experiment now couldn't do without tomatoes in his routine.

It was bound to happen; this running out of tomatoes, but it didn't make things any better. So the baseball cap of Infiltration into Ninja Society, reduced to baseball cap of Errands now, was back, baby, and Uchiha Sasuke locked the non-ghost infested (or he hoped) Uchiha apartment in the outskirts with a pop.

He had to get to the training grounds by some ten am, Kakashi's scheduled time being eight, and if he got some tomatoes by nine, came back to the house...

This was when Yamanaka Ino sashayed in front of him, hand clutching her own groceries quite tightly. If that didn't give her bad mood away, the gritted jaw was doing an admirable job.

"Sasuke-kun!" Yamanaka said neverthless, like some well practiced spot-the-uchiha ritual. Her grin was more of a rictus, and even if he had known the language, Sasuke would have chosen to nod instead of pointing it out.

Her grip on the plastic bag loosened, and she weaved through the crowds to the vegetable seller's. "So," she started, hands on hips, "Are you up for the chunin-exams?"

At this point all Sasuke had wanted to do was get the tomatoes, go home and finish his coffee. But the exam part had thoroughly doused all his plans in ice-cold water. Or the now-cold coffee, if you please.

Sasuke made an odd sound somewhere between his usual Hn and egg-sam from the back of his throat. Yamanaka squinted.

He did not know there were to be more exams. Flashbacks to the last exam zoomed by, and that he only passed because it was set in school. There were no schools here. What did ninja kids do? In his panic he shooed the busy vegetable seller who definitely wouldn't be coming back away to deal with another customer.

"I know you're up for it, but is Forehead?" she checked her nails in the middle of another genin's inner meltdown. It was all on Sasuke. There had to be an exam from Genin to Chunin!

How else had he expected ranks to move up from one-to-another?  Some sort of tribal exercise where you caught a high-class missing nin for the Hokage? Of freaking course there was an exam.

Yamanaka's eyes took the form of flint. "I take that you're not participating?" From how you look like you want to bolt, went unsaid. Sasuke's discomfort had to be showing through, "Right. Told her to come. To, to, mess up her mind, of course."

Mess up her mind? What.

Drained for no reason, she sighed deeply, "At least invite the team over to mine, Sasuke-kun. Forehead doesn't have to turn up alone then."

With that seemingly scathing remark (although Sasuke couldn't place what was scathing about it? Only that it was an invitation. But a scathing one somehow?), she left the Uchiha wrong-footed and feeling thoroughly in-the-wrong.

Tomatoes and Chunin exams forgotten, Sasuke stared after the retreating blonde. There were punctuated mutterings of, "Already something wrong with her head, stupid..."
Yamanakas. Mind readers.

Potential harbringers of his already imminent (exam-induced) death. If they spilled his secrets they'd take him for some spy and...

"Do you really want to listen to him?" Tenten had said about Matsukata-fake, who's name he couldn't remember right now, "He's probably going to T & I with all his glorious craziness."

Back then he'd assumed it was some psychology ward. That guy was pathetic. But on second thought... T-and-I, Mind Reading as an attack... all of that sounded awfully like...

A splatter of fish gut by the Fish vendor next-door landed on his face.

If they spilled, he'd be the fish.

Not a glance at the vegetable seller, Sasuke scrambled for the training ground. To hell with discreet reconnaissance. Sakura's info dump would do some good.

In theory, Sasuke supposed, his plan worked well.

Find out where this T-and-I Tenten mentioned was inconspiciously, infiltrate it (or do his fucked up version of it. He really wasn't holding on to much hope after a string of failed Operation Irukas—but at least sensei invited them—yes, Naruto squirelled in—to ramen? Th—focus) and learn the secrets of the Yamanaka. Know Thy Enemy.

But the hopelessness was only growing by every tick of the clock perched dab-smack in the middle of the Konoha General Park.

If it wasn't his team, it was minion. And if it wasn't minion, it was some creepy external force like serial killers or Naruto's paint.

And right now, he owed the distraction to two schoolyard bullies in the most garish get-up, the one in blocky-paint strewn all over his face grabbing children they didn't even know by their scarves.

It was one thing for Sasuke to hit Konohamaru on the head revelling in the glory of getting to hit a president's family. It was another thing for a complete stranger in a cat suit to hold him by the neck.

The girl beside him who was older by a few years just smirked.

"Oi!" Naruto yelled, momentarily taken aback.

They hadn't been planning on fighting anyone. Why did these ninja have to whip out pointy things in the middle of a fucking playground? Kids played here, for god's sake. To be more accurate, kids were playing here. Until short while ago before Spike Girl brandished an enormous fan.

But now the fan was out, Naruto multiplied, Sakura ushered mad minions who didn't want to leave out of a ten-mile radius, and Sasuke stood awkwardly in front of Blocky face paint.

He better not be from around here.

"Confident, are you?" Spikey smirked, waving the fan dangerously.

No, they weren't. Naruto probably was, but he was a little busy staring into a psycho in deep black eyeliner. It could have also been mistaken appreciation for the tattoo above where his eyebrows were supposed to be (teenagers), if Eyeliner wasn't staring at him back, dead in the eye. Sasuke would be last person calling people names for wearing eyeliner. He would be the first if they decided to hang upside-down on a tree like a vampire bat.

Eyeliner twirled upside down from the tree, smoothly landing on the ground.

"Kankurou," he said, "You're disgracing us."

The shock gave away to absolute befuddlement. Eyeliner was at least a foot smaller than "Kankurou" and looked like he was on the cusp of being blown away by a wind. But

Kankurou flinched, stammered, then dropped Minion like hot coal.

Sasuke briefly wondered if they knew they had just picked up the President's grandson. He wasn't one for excessive titles, coming from a Free Democracy but...when in Rome?

"Hn." he announced, pointing at the Hokage Mountain. Eyeliner didn't seem impressed, so he stressed it's importance by making a sweeping gesture at Konohamaru too.

"Oh, you Konoha-nin. Taking your Hokage's name. Fancy yourself diplomats, don't you?" Everything that left Spikey's mouth seemed to acquire a wayward question mark.

"What do you want?" Sakura asked instead, one hand on her kunai pouch. She was now adopting question marks too.

"Suna?" Sakura asked, nodding at the gourd strapped to Eyeliner's back. It looked about a thousand tonnes and garish enough to fit the kid's aesthetic. The kunoichi repeated,

"Suna. Why?"

Sasuke, for his part, stopped listening since he didn't know what this Suna was. To contribute to the their kunoichi's monolgue, he kept staring at Cat Ears in what he hoped was a threatening way. 

She answered herself like always, "It has to be the Chunin exams. But we're away from the competition, why are you so..."

And of course everyone else knew about these Chunin exams.

Cat Ears—Kankurou was quieter than both kids, only having smirked condescendingly for the past fifteen minutes of the... stand-off (this, Sasuke could mirror back. Probably); Spikey who chose to rattle out questions and Eyeliner who spoke loudly without having said a word at all. It was all in the aura.

A frustrating amount of seconds ticked by once more, and there was no answer forthcoming. They were going to continue this staring contest, apparently, where no one had taught these "Suna" or whatever they were the rules. The rules being: Do not dish out the murder glare. Especially in ninja climates. What if someone took you seriously? Vampire-boy had no compunctions to adhere to it.

A trench coat billowed in the wind, a woman balancing her forearm on a slide before artfully jumping over it quite unnecessarily. Sasuke let it slide only because 1) the trench coat had to flow for the sake of drama, and you needed momentum-induced wind for that, and 2) anybody that dramatic would have to insert themselves between whatever this stare-off was and get the fan away from Sakura's face.

"Oi, you there!" she called, cocking her lips. Underneath the trench coat was pure mesh. Sasuke had done a lot of judging the past hour, and he might have judged lady more, but really, it had been a long, long day. Between cat ears and Excess Eyeliner, he was sure his sensibilities could be forgiven for a little mesh. 

"Brats!" her voice rang out, "Stop right there!"

If he wasn't judging earlier, he definitely wasn't judging now. What a fashionable trenchcoat. What fashionable chainmail.

Now only for the lady to play exasperatedly responsible adult.

Sunlight shone a halo around hair tinged with purple, representing exactly Sasuke's thoughts on the lady.

"Wait," she paused, frowning, "Aren't you with that delegate from Suna?"

"We are the delegate from Suna." Cat Mas— Kankurou sneered, for which he got ribbed by Spikey. 

She had immediately transformed from Smirkey to Smiley. "We're waiting for our guide."

"Or someone was." Kankurou muttered, scowling, "Until he ditched us."

"Baki--our instructor, did not," Spikey continued, gritting her teeth, "Ditch us in a foreign country. That is unbecoming."

Sasuke stared at them.

"Pickin' people up and tossing 'em around is unbecoming, dattebayo!" Naruto made a face. "Did that stop you?"

"I am Temari—" Spikey said, ignoring them. 

"—of the Sand." Kankurou pitched in.

"That is Kankurou," she continued, eye twitching.

"—of the Sand." 

"And that is Gaara--"

"--— the San—" 

Kankurou was cut off in his victorious, clearly intelligent petty annoyances, "This is a waste of time."

"We need to meet our escort." Eyeliner--Gaara continued flatly. This turned out to be a bit menancing as well. "To guide us."

"Yeah, you need that, alright." Lady agreed, raising her eyebrows. 

Privately, Sasuke thought they neeed some guidance too. Publicily, Sakura thought it, so she giggled behind her hand.

Lady grinned. It showed a little too much teeth than what was deemed normal. "Mitarashi Anko, Chunin Exam Proctor at your service."

"Are you the guide?" Straight to the point, then.

"No, not if you aren't talking about the T and I building." Mitarashi flapped a  hand around. Sasuke immediately perked up. She could get him to T and I? Why was she a guide to T and I? Did she work there--

She sighed balefully, "But guess I got to be, if I want this done right."

Temari gladly ignored the part where it would be an inconvenience for Mitarashi too. "Lead the way then."

"Oi, cat boy!" Naruto shouted, rag dolling Konohmaru around, "You better apologize first!"

"Kankurou, behave." Temari said, pre-emptively.

"I'm not some stupid kid!" Kankurou curled his lip, "You're not the boss of me."

"Kankurou. We don't need to get violent now."

Again, Sasuke pointed at the fan.

Sakura took pity on the other kunoichi. "They did come a long way."

"Sometimes you need to fan out the stress." she completed dryly. Not too much pity then.

Eyeliner--Gaara had begun impatiently tapping his foot. The air around him cackled with weird energy, making Naruto's nose twitch. Sasuke knew this because the blonde threw his head back abruptly and heaved an aborted breath.

Then;

Achoo!

"Hey!" Sakura hissed, military-rolling out of the way with super-sonic speed, "My hair!"

Achoo! Achoo!

Naruto crouched down himself, pinching  his nose shut.

"It's on you 'cause you didn't tie it up, lady!" Minion accused, rounding up on Naruto. He fretted around in all his tiny glory, "Boss? You okay, boss? What's got into you, boss?"

Naruto's sudden sneezing fit didn't seem to be stopping anytime soon. 

Sasuke was diabolically planning to use the distraction to have a word with Mitarashi. The kids were being annoying, but he could probably herd them towards T and I with him if he really tried.

Mitarashi, however, did not stay long in one spot for him to pounce on. "Hatake, get out of that bush right now."

"Kakashi-sensei?!" Sakura squawked in indigance. "You're--" 

She looked at Naruto for assistance.

"--lae--ahh, ah,--...te!" he finished for her, high-pitched.

"We've been here for three hours. Ino had to tell me about chunin exams!" she listed her complaints, jabbing a finger in the direction of a wayward bush. 

The Suna delegation watched in morbid curiosity, Gaara settling down in (menancing) interest.

"Sensei!" she shouted again, when Agent's head did not poke out of the bush accordingly.

She looked at Naruto for assistance again.

Unforunately, he was in the middle of glaring at Gaara and shooing off the sudden dust allergy.

"Hn." Sasuke said instead, projecting deep disappointment.

"I know, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura continued, "This is important, sensei! We would've never known about the exams. Didn't you want us to write it?"

All of Sasuke's disappointment (and glee at cornering agent and publicily humiliating him) evaporated.

He took a moment to think intelligently; If Kakashi hadn't given them a form, then they wouldn't be entering. If they hadn't confronted him, Kakashi would have skipped a promotion exam entirely.

Ergo, if this situation hasn't happened at all, they wouldn't be writing the exam.

"Hatake hasn't given you your forms." Mitarashi egged her on, disappointed that the show had ended.

Sasuke spread his hands diplomatically, sudden Paragon of Love and Respect for their sensei. 

Let it go, he shook his head in a pseudo-resigned gesture of peace.

"Oh, you're right," Sakura sighed. She turned to Mitarashi with eyes full of hope. "We can... still write the exam, can't we?"

"Yeah, yeah, get the form to me by seven."

"I will!" the bush sing-songed.

Let it GO, Sasuke said again inwardly, this time desperate, dying inside and meaning something completely different.

Chapter Text

As each day passed, Sasuke found every trial being shoved into a back burner. This meant, in plain and simple English, that he always had something new to look forward to; that he was fucking losing it every single day.

Yesterday it was the chunin exams. Today it was the form. And Sasuke could pretty much guess that tomorrow it’ll be his head on a guillotine under the fascist Hokage’s fascist orders.

“Sasuke-kun?” nudged Sakura, sensing that her teammate had spaced off. “Are you not signing your name?”

“Yeah bastard,” pitched in Naruto, never to be away from the metaphorical spot-light, "Make it cool. Like, like your intro back on the roof.”

“Hn,” Sasuke said miserably, reminded of the Sasuke Uchiha vs. Uchiha Sasuke mishap.

“Boys,” Sakura muttered. It was only a miracle Naruto was an idiot. Or Sasuke would have been called one, instead of being part of a whole gender.

They were in one of the last-minute chunin exam-sign up cubicles because their team was a joke. Sasuke had pretended to lose the form he had not signed first, gotten an extra for it that Kakashi had ‘handily’ prepared in case of oops-accidents, am I right, Sasuke? (One day the man was going to have a senbon in the eye he has left), and then Naruto had actually lost his to a ramen spill-over.

Agent had no other handy-forms left. Now Sasuke could not even copy off what he assumed was Uchiha Sasuke from the engravings on all his academy kunai without rousing suspicion.

Well. Realistically it would have only worked if he got the kunai to his apartment anyway. Naruto losing the form on the last day was a surprise, and.

He was pretty much fucked.

Naruto continued into the air, almost touching a tubelight, as if he hadn’t heard her, “Sasuke Uchiha — now that’s unique. Got Style, dattebayo.’’

Sasuke barely restrained hiding his face in his hands.

There was even huger problem in front of him now, which was, you know, signing UCHIHA SASUKE in a language you slacked off properly learning, but in the face of impending death from the Chunin exams, nothing really mattered.

He would go, one way or the other.

“Oh shut up,” sighed Sakura. Her demeanor shifted one-eighty as she faced the Uchiha. She began, smiling, “Sasuke-kun, are you coming to the flower shop with me later? Pig said we should discuss strategy.”

“Sakura-chan,” Naruto interjected. He had put one foot out of the cubicle already, talking about the ramen he was going to have anytime now, dattebayo. “What about me? Won’t you call me?”

“Would you have not come along if I didn’t?”

“…No?”

“That’s what I thought. It’s a team thing though. You are invited for it, by the way.” Sakura sighed again. “So, Sasuke-kun?”

“Hnn,” Sasuke mumbled, dragging his face over the desk in dejection. No, leave me alone and in peace to die.

“Are you okay… man?” Naruto frowned.

“Hn.” Shoo.

Sakura backed off, placing a hand on the Uzumaki’s shoulder as she did so. She had a contemplative frown of her own at the general mopey-ness, but she let it slide.

“We’ll leave you to it, then,” she nodded seriously. “You must have things to think about.”

“But, hey—“ Naruto started.

Like dying? I do all the thinking in this team, Sasuke groaned. You guys have to think more.

“We’ll just get something from the cafeteria.”

With that degree of severity, Sakura closed the curtains to the cubicle, dragging Naruto along.

Sasuke also had a feeling she was under a misunderstanding, but he couldn’t deal with that today. With what little information Yamanaka Ino chose to grace them with, the second phase of the exam happened in a Forest. A Forest of—

Fine.

Who the hell makes children take an exam in a Forest of Death? Why not Forest of Ladybugs? Forest of sunflowers? Why not forest of, anything, except literal Death? Did cookies or sunshine or cute bugs not exist in that era—

Fine.

What he needed at the moment was a calm head. If he sneaked out… unlocked the apartment… dug out that academy kunai…

“Oh, are Sakura and Naruto done?’’

This bastard.

A swirl of leaves marked Agent’s arrival.

“Are my cute little students done deciding if they want to take the most important exams of their shinobi lives yet?” he asked again, not having gotten an answer. He leaned over a slumped-over Uchiha.

Sasuke couldn’t even leave now. Couldn’t fake an embarrassing squiggle.

Is there a choice? thought Sasuke. Is there a choice in writing this shit or not?

Someone from the counter nearby squeaked, “I, I don’t think I can do this, sensei.”

Without looking, suspicious? Of cou—

Wait. What?

Sasuke whipped his head towards the other cubicle.

“Sasuke?” Kakashi called, raising his eyebrows.

In his fervor, the Uchiha haphazardly abandoned the pen, and jammed his ear into the wall separating both cubicles.

“Uh, are you…” Kakashi trailed off.

“Shhh.” Sasuke hissed, casting him a murderous glare. There were more important things at work here. Like, living to see a few more years. Like, not dying in the immediate future, by embarrassment or otherwise.

“You know you can change your mind, any time, Hinata.”

“Sensei, it’s just, I don’t—“

“But Hinata! It’s the chunin exams!”

“Kiba!”

“Sensei, please, please, please! All the other teams are in!”

“Hinata need not worry. Why? We will surely protect you.”

“Yeah, yeah, he’s got a point! We really will, please, please—“

Enough. Was enough.

Speed rivalling Agent’s, Sasuke jumped off the desk he had climbed without noticing. The jump from a squat-position was rough on his knees, but the Uchiha was fulled by rage and disappointment for the universe.

One person tries being sensible and refuses to take the exam and this is what they get?

He whizzed past a surprised Sakura and Naruto returning from their food breaks, leaving them in the wind.

STOP, Sasuke roared inwardly, banging the door open.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t a door, but a curtain. His fist met the wall in a painful amount of force.

“Holy mother of—“ Sasuke shrieked.

“Sasuke!” Naruto howled in laugher, doubling over. “What the hell were you trying to—“

“How-lee muh-da oof?” Sakura squinted, dragging Naruto by his arm. She quickly recovered, gasping, “Sasuke-kun! Are you okay?!”

His litany of curses was lost in the shrieks of both the Inu..Ina… Dog boy and Purple Hyuuga from the academy, who had huddled closer from the jump scare. Thankfully, Purple Hyuuga’s eyes fit her face and were less scarier, or Sasuke would have gotten a heart attack instead.

“Team, that’s…” Kakashi trailed off, looking a bit disgruntled.

“What the hell, man,” Rude boy was the one to squeak this time, calming his heartbeat.

Purple Hyuuga, who was the One To Defend stared, wide-eyed at Sasuke.

The Uchiha blinked back in the universal, I screamed ‘cause you screamed.

“This is a confusing situation? Why?” asked bug glasses, whose name Sasuke could not recall at all.

Sasuke opened his mouth to answer, when the boy answered his own damned question bluntly, “Because Sasuke has visited our cubicle for a particular reason.”

“What,” Kurenai breathed deeply, “Could be the reason, Shino?”

“That, I do not know.”

Sasuke stared more.

 “Guys, that’s…” Agent emerged from behind them, waving awkwardly, “Hey, Kurenai’s team…”

“I’m sure Sasuke-kun has a reason for this,” Sakura licked her lips. “Right, Sasuke-kun?”

She was less sure by the minute.

The Uchiha was pouting over his bruised knuckles while Naruto cackled on.

“He scared the hell out of Hinata,” said Kiba, carefully avoiding his own name, “Came in like some villain from a Fujikaze movie, long shadow and lightening.”

“You watch Fujikaze movies? I am surprised.” Shino interrupted, sounding genuinely impressed. “Why? It requires a level of intellect to compute the mechanics of the plot.”

Naruto paused in cackling. “I don’t know how dumb you think he is, but are we talking the same Princess Gale, dattebayo?”

Sakura’s mouth hung wide, the perfect posture to scream. Did no one want to know what was going on? Kakashi-sensei and Kurenai-sensei were chatting amicably, although with a touch of wariness in both their postures in case things devolved into a fight.

And Sasuke-kun’s How-lee  was going to be left uninterpreted.

“U-Um…” Hinata stuttered. Finally. Sakura cracked smile in relief. Somebody who was going to focus—

“Y-You’re right, Naruto-kun. Fujikaze-san plays Princess Gale.”

“For God’s sake!” shouted Sakura. “Are we going to listen to Sasuke-kun?!”

Everyone in the room stood straighter. Even the sensei at the doorway of the already over-crowded cubicle snapped to attention.

“Well, Sakura,” Kakashi said, rubbing the back of his neck, “I’m not sure, but Sasuke looked like he wanted to eavesdrop.”

“Eavesdrop?” she echoed.

“He was insistent. “ With a haunted look, he said seriously, “Very much.”

Naruto jumped in, “Guys!”

“Shut up, Naruto.” Sakura said absent-mindedly. She frowned into the distance and frowned more. “Why would he do that?”

“Why?” Shino repeated. “Maybe we could start with why he is not present in this room now.”

Sakura looked around, and felt her head throbbing.

“Huh, Kurenai-sensei’s gone too.”

“Where’s Naruto?” Kakashi asked, already dreading the answer.

Sakura looked around the cubicle, which wasn’t so over-crowded anymore after all. There was Kakashi-sensei at the doorway, exactly as he was. Kiba bent over a chunin exam form, Hinata pressed close to the wall politely, and Shino looking over Kiba’s shoulder.

“He… followed Sasuke-kun,” Hinata said sadly, as if she wanted to follow him too but did not, out of a sense of obligation to be here.

“Why’s he following Kurenai-sensei, huh?” Kiba howled, shaking the chunin exam form left and right. His handwriting too was surprisingly neat. There was no Akamaru anywhere close, so all the theories at the academy that the nin dog wrote his exam for him were possibly incorrect, Sakura noted, down-hearted.

“Why?” Shino repeated, “I am sure that is what Naruto wanted to know as well.”

At the same time, Sakura said, “Hey, how are you so sure about that? What if Kurenai-sensei followed Sasuke-kun?”

“Sakura-san’s right,” Hinata said, sending a soft smile her way.

“Hinata! We’re the team here!”

The Hyuuga seemed panicked at this information, reiterating, “N-No! I mean, I saw it! Um, Kurenai-sensei went after Sasuke-kun.”

“Oh.” Kiba said.

“Oh,” Sakura grinned too, “Why didn’t you say so?”

She turned, “Kakashi-sensei, let’s—“

There was no Sensei.

Huh. He had extracted himself from this tricky situation. Sakura was the only member of Team Seven in this cubicle here now. She smiled, empty.

Team bonding really needed to be accelerated. She could invite them all over for dinner. Then poison it.

Oh well. There was How-lee to crack. She could do something productive and worthwhile.

“Guys,” Sakura clapped. “What was Sasuke-kun trying to eavesdrop on?”

“Um, it’s, I don’t think there was—“

“Hey! Don’t tell her, Hinata!” Kiba cried, “She’s gonna get our game-plan for the exams!”

“But—“

“Game plan? I am confused. Why?” there was a pause from Shino. “I am not confused anymore. Why? I realize Kiba is only exercising stupidity by assuming there was a Game Plan going on in the first place.”

“You—“

“Both of you, this is incredibly rude to Sakura-san—“

Sakura continued smiling, empty.

That, folks, was the end of Uchiha Sasuke’s ninja career.

To be honest, it was the end of any career. Or Sasuke could talk about the plot of land he had been eyeing in Tea country after that one disastrous mission Team Seven Didn’t Talk About. Farming was great.

That woman. Purple Hyuuga’s Agent.

He vaguely remembered seeing her that day at the bar, looking like some sort of Uchiha-relative. It’s cool if she was one and the massacre was a misunderstanding from his part, but, that wasn’t the point.

The point was that she had seen him get into the bar. Which was ranked among the most embarrassing things in his life. If pedantic, you could say Gai had seen him as well but, Gai. It would take a miracle for Agent or anyone to take Gai seriously with people-things.

But here was a well-adjusted human who would out him. Then he could never stay in the same team as both of—three of those idiots anymore. He only survived day over day in the satisfaction that he was Definitely The Mature one.

On top of that there was That entry just now.

Bye, Sasuke channeled to the world.

Silent footsteps tapped behind him, prompting him to turn.

“Uchiha-kun,” the harbinger of his doom greeted, with a short nod of her head.

“Er,” nodded Sasuke, brain short-circuiting. “Hm.”

“You must’ve guessed what my… concerns are.” She continued, as if she wasn’t cornering him and kind-of cutting of his air flow.

“H-Hn?”

She loomed over him, eyes glowing redder than any sharingan. “About that time that at the Sharpened Kunai, Uchiha-kun. I wonder if you remember that.”

“I was hoping…” she drew back, leaving Sasuke feeling thoroughly threatened, “You wouldn’t mention my complaints about Hinata’s father to her. I apologize for my behavior.”

What a plight to be hard-wired polite, thought Sasuke, shaking his head at her. Of Course you don’t need to apologize for anything, he tried to say, Except maybe making this feel like a murder attempt.

“She would be devastated if she knew her father was a bother,” Agent Sharingan sighed, “But as an apology for my behavior that day, know that you can have lessons from me anytime, alright? I do specialize in genjutsu.”

What jutsu?

She barreled on before he could even compute anything. “What were you doing back there? Did you get the cubicle wrong?”

Not even a nod, and the woman was already chuckling.

What. Was. Wrong. With. These. People.

Being a shinobi meant being covert and looking underneath the underneath.

Which was obviously what Naruto was doing, following a teammate around.

Not to worry, Naruto was no stalker.

Unlike that bastard, who trailed after Iruka-sensei.

But he was the sneaky-sneaky, the shinobi among shinobis, the to-be-Hokage.

And so, he was tailing Kiba’s Kurenai-sensei carefully for Information. Like shinobi did.

They were truly easy targets (and not because he was far behind, no). He was finally within hearing range of their conversation, and every excited for it.

“…forgot to tell you about this, Uchiha-kun,” said Sensei. Naruto cocked his ears, suspicious over what she would have to say to Sasuke. In such a discreet location as well.

An awful lot like Mariko following Takahashi into the alleyway in the new Icha-Icha, actually.

Sasuke honest-to-god gulped, taking a step forward.

“Don’t drink,” she turned her back on him, long hair swishing his nose. Like a movie, her gaze met his while Naruto got a glimpse of both their side profiles, “Not right now, at least. Believe me, it only ruins your life.”

Naruto gasped, hand to his heart.

“Here you go,” she said, conjuring up a rose, “My apologies again.”

Naruto would laugh at how befuddled the bastard looked, if he wasn’t also looking cool doing it. He had a magic genjutsu rose flying around his palms and he wasn’t even flinching.

And, and, did she tell him not to drink? Like Icha Icha #3 where the man was drunk and broken and had black brooding hair?

Who was Sasuke?

“Did she tell him not to drink?” Kakashi sensei said mildly over his shoulder.

Naruto squealed, jumping away. “Kaka-sensei!”

“But, drink?” Kakashi-sensei wasn’t listening. “When?”

The Uzumaki remembered that teachers had a responsibility to generally keep kids away from these dark, broody things, like the friend character in Icha Icha #3. His brain worked at faster speeds.

“There, there,” Naruto said, flashing him a thumbs up, “You’re no failure, sensei. Bastard’s always got a weird romantic life.”

He also remembered how friends—not that they were, but as teammates they had to do some damage-control for Sasuke, right? Like how Takahashi’s friends from issue #4 would clean up his puke for him. It would mean less damage, which was a good thing. Sensei would be comfortedtoo.

“Besides,” he coughed. White lies weren’t that bad, right? For the greater cause? “Sakura-chan and I were with him, you know. No worries. Like Icha-Icha #4.”

“…Icha-Icha?” Kakashi-sensei said back, shivering. “What parts of Icha-Icha?”

“Sensei,” he rolled his eyes, “Are you going to make me say it? After carrying it around everywhere?”

“…make you say it?” Sensei gulped.

“Yeah, no! You’re the expert!” Naruto laughed, and pat him on the shoulder.

Really, what would sensei even do without his advice?

The rose fucking disappeared in Sasuke’s numb hands. Shattered into a hundred pink crystals.

It was a miracle he didn’t faint. That woman was some sort of witch who had gone over threatening tactics 101. Jesus, if she wanted Hyuuga in that death contest she could keep Hyuuga there. No way was Sasuke saying anything else to add to the pile.

But could ninja do that? Just, make things out of thin air and scare the hell out of people with it?

“We’ve figured it out, we’ve got it!” Sakura cheered from nowhere.

Arms linked with a flustered Hyuuga, she was approaching him from opposite the floor.

Figured wha—

“You were standing up for Hinata, Sasuke-kun!” she continued in a loud voice. “If she doesn’t like the exam, of course she doesn’t have to write it. Right, Hinata?”

Sasuke quickly scanned the place for Witch. If she wasn’t—

No, here she was, fucking staring at him with sharingan eyes.

“Y-Yes, but—“

“I know, you are writing it for the experience now that we’re all in this, but we figured it out!” she whooped. “I still don’t know what How-lee is—“

There was still a chance, if he sprinted fast enough, the door was right there…

“—but it’s not the finer details that matter, right, Hinata?”

“Yes, Sakura-san.” Hyuuga smiled warmly.

In 1, 2, 3…

“Sasuke!” Naruto boomed, patting him on the shoulder. Ouch. This kid needed to be kept away from Gai. Only the Creator knew what he’d do if he actually mastered Shoulder Pats with a capital S and P. “I laughed at you, man, but you were looking out for people, huh?”

Sasuke attempted to push him off, but his hold only tightened.

“I don’t get why Hina-Hina doesn’t want to be chunin but, different strokes for different folks,” he went on, completely ignoring the Uchiha desperately trying to wriggle out of his grasp. “It’s cool you played hero, dattebayo.”

Finally, finally, he was done talking and let Sasuke go, only for Hyuuga to speak up, “N-N-N-Naruto-kun!”

No luck. The blonde used Sasuke’s shoulder as an arm rest. “Hm?”

“I-I just wanted to say,” Hinata fumbled, while her teacher watched amusedly, possibly plotting Sasuke’s murder. “I’ll, I’ll work hard for the chunin exam, so, um, p-please work hard too!”

Oh.

Sakura whistled.

God.

“She’s kinda weird, huh?” Naruto whispered, actually quiet for once. Sasuke thought about all those times his stage whispering got them into trouble during missions and cursed the blonde bastard. So he could be quiet when he fucking wanted to be.

“You too, Hina-Hina!” he smiled widely, flashing her a thumbs-up. “But, haha, you already said that.”

There was a whole rom-com happening while someone died twice and thrice over inside.

Hyuuga did not mind, going red in the face.

What the hell kind of a show was this kid protagonist of?

Well-wishes to Hyuuga if this was her type.

“Haha,” Sakura repeated, face-palming. Real smooth, Naruto. Real smooth.

Sasuke echoed her sentiments, but a little hysterically, and for completely different reasons.

Omake:

“So,” Kakashi cleared his throat.

In their long acquaintance, Kurenai had never faced the indignity of Hatake Kakashi opening a conversation for her. The man was the pinnacle of unsociable.

She was a bit overwhelmed now, to speak. After making a complete fool of herself in front of the Uchiha kid, she had not even considered that leaving Hinata to stew with a you know you can change your mind anytime would only push her to sign up.

“So,” Kakashi said again. “Sasuke and drinks?”

“He’s a brilliant kid, Kakashi,” she said absent-mindedly, turning. Kakashi stumbled. Her sashaying hair had hit him, like a noir film. “Take care of him.”

Kakashi waited for her to tip her leather hat before leaving.

She didn’t, obviously, because she didn’t have one.

Sometimes he felt too young to be in-charge of kids. Then there were other times like this, when he felt way too old for anything at all.

Chapter Text

Sasuke had been kidnapped.

We travel backward.

The theory part of the exam was kind of awkward. Naruto had a lot of ideas about shinobi courage and passed, Sakura’s idealism reached new heights of delusion after practically confirming how she could actually see Naruto becoming Hokage (not that Sasuke didn’t. But c’mon, it was because he was aware of the blonde's main character privilege), and Sasuke thanked the heavens for the tenth question.

Copying the squiggles with a sharingan was impossible with the scary scar proctor and Sasuke’s paper had been blank. Very blank. Not-even-your-name blank. He would never have passed if you were being a realistic munchkin. Thankfully, ninjas weren’t realistic munchkins! They didn’t care about acos theta on the battlefield and thank the ninja Gods for that.

But on the same vein, fuck the ninja gods.

When Ibiki said you’d have a permanent ban if you got expelled right there Sasuke was having a field day . It would undoubtedly be embarrassing if he got expelled over not answering the tenth question wrong, but why fear when Naruto was here? They got expelled as long as any one member got the question wrong, and there was no way Naruto was getting anything right. Everyone would just assume it was Naruto's fault.He never made the right calls.

Until he did, apparently.

Now we fast forward.

Often in life, middle schoolers wrapped bandages around themselves and declared themselves the Harbingers of Doom. Sasuke had never experienced this personally in his own grade, but his older anime freak of a cousin had something of a phase.

Another thing that often happened in life was the human capability for complacency mere moments before the arrival of inevitable death.

A theoretical written exam had lowered Sasuke’s guard. The Forest Of Death was a highly Anime Name.

So it wasn’t much of a stretch from him to assume that the First Hokage was just a bit dramatic to name it that. After all, these presidential figures were liars. Or idealistic idiots. You got to be president by lying, right?

Both of these paired together, Sasuke himself had reached new levels of delusion to rival his team mate’s. He slept soundly before the practical Forest-of-Death level. He hummed I SEE THIS LIFE LIKE A SWINGING VINE enthusiastically when it was anything but. He swaggered into the Forest.

“Oh my fucking God,” said Sasuke. He should have known. Their trench-coat-pervert--T&I-proctor had practically licked someone's cheek right before this. There was no way this was ending well.

“Ay, what’s up?” Naruto pouted, bumping into his back. Sakura frowned at the sudden gasp.

Were they not seeing what he was seeing.

“Hn,” he said, shakily pointing to That.

Naruto’s eyes followed the finger, widening at That.

“Oh, it’s a Kusa nin,” Sakura said. Naruto gagged in the background. “A dead one.”

“Hn?” Sasuke countered, wild around the eyes.

“That’s probably Shino’s doing… There’s bite marks…” Sakura trailed off. She looked calm, but her swallow betrayed her. “That’s the chunin exams for you…”

Naruto swiveled his head, “What the hell! I didn’t think bug-boy would go this far. This is just disgusting.”

This was around the point they should’ve realized how downhill things would go.

“So people can go around killing each other for the chunin exams just like that, dattebayo?!!?”

“I, I really don’t think Shino would. They probably left him with no choice.” Sakura muttered, “Or, I don’t know, there’s no rule against this—most candidates this year are so young I thought we could take advantage of that."

Advantage of this.

"Nevermind that," she finally shook it off. Naruto still looked vaguely disgusted, "We should keep looking for scrolls. Right, Sasuke-kun?"

A beat of silence.

"Sasuke-kun?"

Sasuke had been kidnapped.

Despite what his teammates would later believe, Sasuke was not kidnapped immediately. He had been, firstly, lost.

After Sakura's insanely detached rant, retreating between a rose bush to dry heave was the only sane idea. He did not sign up for looking at child-corpses (or any corpses!). But he had, hadn't he? He'd squiggled Uchiha Sasuke like in the kunai and he had firmly Not Thought About it.

When Sasuke finally pulled himself together, he'd opened his eyes to a clearing impossible to navigate.

Not only because it was like every other clearing out here. But because there was a fucking bear. Doing bear things. Right in his line of vision.

Sasuke debated playing dead for exactly one second. Then proper brain function kicked in and he realized, hey, normal bear caution shouldn't matter here! A ninja could totally outrun a bear! 

What's a bear in front of a bleeding slow motion eye? The bear slowly craned his neck at him.

A bear was still a bear. 

So the poor soul hauled into the body of one Uchiha Sasuke gathered his wits and ran for his life. There was a lot of running involved, from both the bear and Sasuke. 

It was then that he spotted the most unlikeliest of allies: Purple Eyes! Today he could even recall her last name: Hyuuga!

“ Hee-yuuga !” howled Sasuke. The girl snapped into a stance, looking like all but a wind would blow her over. Oh god. She was useless.

Worse. He recalled, halting to a stop at the most horrifying of thoughts. Bug boy was Hyuuga’s teammate. Which meant. For all her appearances. Their team was ready to kill off competitors.

Sasuke turned tail immediately to the south.

He came face to face with a bear.

He screamed.

Sasuke turned tail again, only to see Hyuuga barrelling towards him. She had what he would have called a concerned frown on any other person, but he knew her true colors. They were red. Like his blood that would soon spill if he didn’t run for it towards the east. 

Hyuuga and bear both followed, right at his coattails.

Heaving for breath, he finally had the brightest of ideas ;to drag ass into a tree. You’d have thought that Ninja Instinct Numero Uno. The shame! The horror! And he was just about to execute the idea; except.

Except, there was a blur of red a few feet over. Judging by the trajectory of our bear or Hyuuga, there was no way that kid was making it.

Oh, fuck this. He couldn’t just let her die when he had pikachu powers now, could he? Fully intending to kick the bucket, Sasuke hollered out a battlecry, rushing into the fray.

“ Saske-koo! !” came a cry, rivaling his own. He was a little too preoccupied to go through the subs, but he could guess. The rest was a string of surprisingly loud gibberish he didn’t bother trying to read.

The red head was rummaging the foliages for… were those glasses? Seriously?! People died because of losing their fucking glasses? Her face had a gaunt sort of quality to it, the kind accompanying the highly anemic, and it pinched in confusion and shock at two enemy ninjas and a bear zipping towards her keeping furious paces.

Sasuke kicked his legs and twisted in the air a feet or so from the kid, coming face to face with the bear. A bear . This was hopefully the last time he’d ever see one outside animal planet, because boy , was it ugly. Even Hyuuga looked less scary and she was actively trying to kill him in a Human Sense. The bear was just doing bear things.

And he was going to attempt to kill it.

He raised a slow (to his eyes) hand towards the bear, fully intending to lightning attack it, when all the breath in the world whooshed out of the air surrounding them.

 The blast came from the side. Both Sasuke and the bear could see the air reverberating with their eyes; only, it took the bear with it. In place of the bear was the Hyuuga, one palm outstretched, creepy eyes bulging, and the most pleased smile he’d ever seen on her face. He’d almost thought she only had two settings; worry and concern.

Hyuuga landed on her feet and bowed deeply. She began to speak.

Sasuke’s mouth hung open.

“Thank you for the distraction!” Hyuuga blabbered on, “I truly didn’t think you could hear me! You didn’t acknowledge me at all, but you still went ahead with it. I thought it was really impressive, Sasuke-kun! N-Not that I expect any less of team seven, with Naruto-kun being in it and all, I just meant—”

He cut down her devolving rant with a wave of his hand and hoped it conveyed thats ok, this was all my plan, you played into it, amazing, now are we going to battle to death?

He didn’t get to find out, because this was when the red-head, apparently having found her glasses, jumped Hyuuga.

“What the fuck ,” said Sasuke, for the second time that day. 

“You were amazing!” the red-head crowed, slobbering all over the poor Hyuuga. “I couldn’t see very well, but you’re the best ninja I’ve ever seen! You saved my life! I would’ve died of a heart attack first if you didn’t tell me it was going to be okay! Angel!”

Hyuuga was steadily turning puce, on her way to a deep scarlet. Red-head— call me Karin, angel! ---was still slobbering away, but now her arms were wrapped around Hyuuga in a tight chokehold. Someone else would probably have tried some Patting, but Hyuuga slumped helplessly.

“I’m sorry,” Hyuuga said miserably, “I don’t think I deserve all that, I—”

“ Bullshit ,” Karin said emphatically. She dislodged her head from Hyuuga’s chest just enough to look into her Extremely Creepy Eyes, "You were awesome!”

“But Sasuke-kun—”

“Oh!” Karin said, turning to him. Sasuke, sensing danger, inched away. She seemed to have calmed down some though, because she only smiled widely and snatched his hand away for the wettest, slobber-iest handshake ever.

“Thank you too.” she said, quite sincerely. The magnitude of sheer forcefulness had abated. Apparently, the mad glint in her eye was reserved only for Hyuuga.

“Hn,” Sasuke waved it off, disgruntled. Now that the adrenaline was evaporating, he could feel the sinking feeling settling in. If the co from Hyuuga-&-co appeared now, both he and the redhead were dead for sure.

He needed to get them out quickly.

Before he could attempt even a backwards step, Karin walked up, right into his personal space, and hugged him. Hugged . The most slobber-iest—

Oh, fuck it. He should just take the chance and grab her and run. Sasuke was just about to do it too, when Hyuuga said in a pitiful voice, “I’m lost.”

“Me too!” Karin said, considerably more cheerful. Fortunately, she also disentangled her limbs from his body.

“Hn,” said Sasuke, matching Hyuuga levels of misery.

“We aren’t going to try stealing from each other, are we?” Karin said, still cheerful. “I’ve heard you Konoha-nin are touched in the head about honor and ideals and all that, but you can never be sure.”

They are not, Sasuke said internally. Not ideals and definitely not honor. Unless you counted Naruto, on the ideals, a little bit. And Sakura, somewhat. And Assassin—with his friendship propaganda? But he didn’t take that nonsense into actual battle, did he? Or Gai. Or Lee. Or.

Alright, either Sasuke’s particular pool was insane, or she had a point. Then again, Hyuuga’s teammate did just off another kid.

“I wouldn’t want to,” Hyuuga said, fidgety. “Unless we have to fight for our scrolls when we split, I suppose.”

“You noticed,” Karin said, stars in her eyes. “It was just in case, if the bear killed you guys and it didn’t kill me by some chance, you know. Of course you can have it back! Sign of trust.” And because you’d beat me in a fair fight , went unsaid, but whether the Sign Of Trust line was a lie or not couldn’t be determined, since she watched Hyuuga as if she’d hung the moon.

Sasuke stared at the ruthlessness. Naruto would never . And Sakura might , but she’d probably die fighting the bear in the process, so the point was moot anyway.

“Let’s look for our teams now!” Karin enthusiased, squirreling closer to Hyuuga, as if teetering between grabbing her arm or not. The other kunoichi nervously nodded. Sasuke still stared. At the other two, at his returned scroll, and at the forest spanning miles and miles ahead.

Suddenly, he found himself missing his stupid, predictable little team of idiots.

Chapter Text

“That way,” Karin said confidently. Hyuuga stuck her head out of the clearing and nodded. “Good,” Karin praised, before sashaying forward to invade the other kunoichi’s space once more.

Sasuke, trailing behind both of them, marveled at how this was his life.

He had gone so deep into his spiral of madness that he was comparing the kids in front of him to his own teammates. Take, for example: Karin was a little bit Sakura. In another life, without a Hyuuga and her life debt and fangirling, he could very well see her bossing them all around. Or maybe she’d do it despite the fangirling, and then he’d look back on the obsequious days with slight nostalgia.

But Karin was also a Naruto. She’d give out smart orders, and pull maps out of sheer instinct, but forget them herself. Take, for example:

“Hyuuga-san! Look at that butterfly!” Karin whispered, feet unconsciously following the thing. See. This is what you get if you put an over-curious thirteen year old in a Forest.

“Karin-san, no!I” Hyuuga—Hinata squealed, holding the red-head by her elbow. The butterfly disappeared into a buzzing foliage, and immediately charred into smoke. Sasuke ran a hand across his face. “There was chakra-residue there! Someone’s left a boiling seal.”

“That’s so impressive!” Karin fawned, “I’m sensitive to chakra and I didn’t even notice! ”

“Oh,” Hinata smiled nervously, “My sleeves accidentally caught on fire earlier.” And so it had. She was so quiet in putting it out that neither of them had given the moment a second glance.

Hinata was definitely a Naruto. Where she gathered the luck and determination to suddenly turn useful in peril was all Naruto.

“Hn, hn,” Sasuke said tiredly. He waved at the clearing for emphasis.

“Right!” Karin said, waiting.

Hinata walked, and she walked behind her. It reminded Sasuke of a puppy, really, if puppies were red and said things like, “I’ve got a poison pin set on me, but what good is it in battle? I’m useless to my team.”

“Um, Karin-san?” said Hinata, after they were a good distance away from the bear. None of them knew the where they were looking for, but Sasuke was keeping an eye out for pink and orange. And also bug-boy from Hyuuga’s team. Just in case.

Karin cocked her head, in a way that should have been cute in response. It came off a little unhinged. 

“What… team are you?”

“We don’t really have team numbers back in Kusa,” Karin hmmm -ed. “It’s sort of random, because everybody knows everybody else there. Small place, you know. Honestly, you’ll know when you see them. Minari's hair is a right bitch just like her. A green bird’s nest. And Kabemaru reeks of pushover—so much you couldn’t help but attack.”

What Karin did not realize was that Hyuuga’s face was doing the approximation of choking on one’s own spit. And who could blame her? Sasuke was sure he was doing the same thing. Only inwardly.

Because they knew Green Bird’s Nest girl. He didn’t think he’d ever forget Green Bird’s Nest girl. She had been living rent free in his head for the past three hours, a heap of leech-marks all over.

“But Kusa-nin aren’t supposed to be on trees,” Hyuuga whimpered, looking anywhere but Karin’s face. Sasuke looked at her. She looked back. She realized Sasuke Knew that she Knew and that the murder plan had involved trees. They both nodded.

Karin shot them a puzzled look, coming to a stop.

Sasuke took the nod as Let’s keep this under the wraps to avoid the risk of getting poisoned to death . What's your cover story for that dumb little comment, Hyuuga?

“Karin-san!” Hyuuga said boldly. Boldly for her.

It was too late before Sasuke realized just what she was doing. “I’m really, really sorry.”

Hyuuga had interpreted the nod as Let’s come clean about my team having killed a fellow competitor-killer’s teammate’s–so we can, you know—get poisoned to death.

“HN,” Wait! Sasuke said dramatically, but she was already gaining steam;

“My team came across two people of your description and—and they fell into a trap meant for fellow Konoha-nin. “ A death trap! ”For any nin, but mostly Konoha nin! Um, it was on a tree! And Konoha-nin usually use trees—not that your folk don't, but we weren’t expecting it and—”

“Look. Do you mean to say,” Karin cut in, mouth moving to the side, “That your team killed the rest of my team?”

“Um,” said Hinata, at the same time Sasuke fainted.

Voices broke him out of sleep.

Realization trickled in a little slower.

1. He hadn’t, and would never voluntarily sleep on all this filth.
2. He, Uchiha Sasuke, had fainted from shock

“Are you okay, Sasuke-kun?” Hyuuga said, and Sasuke flinched. He flung his head around wildly to spot Karin. If she was going to attack them out of nowhere. He wasn’t a fan of Hyuuga, but he also didn’t want to see her getting poisoned.

To his eternal surprise, Karin was right there, a worried furrow between her eyebrows. “Headache? Nausea? Are you dehydrated? Did you eat before this—some people get too stressed before exams,” she stopped to tell Hinata, by way of explanation, “I have some dried food in my bag here if you want.”

What .

“Maybe we should give Sasuke-kun space?” Hyuuga suggested, and she was fucking right. Sasuke nodded, and then he realized his head hurt.

Had he been… hallucinating? Did Hyuuga not confess to killing off Red-head’s teammates? Or was this the hallucination?

“I still think you should drink something. I checked and it’s not chakra that’s your problem,” Karin said, but acquiesced. 

Sasuke only shook his head mutely. How was he supposed to explain you’re the one who’s supposed to faint from shock? It didn’t make sense in English , let alone the complexities it would develop in japanese.

“Kabemaru had this thing with nerves too,” Karin went on. Sasuke froze. He took a moment to sweep his eyes around for any pointy objects drenched in suspicious substances. He didn’t find anything. Huh.

“I’m so sorry,” Hinata said, in despair.

“I told you, it’s not your fault,” Karin sighed, “It’s the chunin exams.”

What.

1. His guests at sickbed were a cold-blooded murderer and a ginger. And as the saying went: Gingers had no souls.

This was fucking crazy. What in the world was he doing here? One wrong move and he’d meet the creator. Climbing trees is a ninja's first instinct , his foot . What if there were one of those chakra-sucking-monster leeches on the trees he was running away from the bear? 

What if Sakura wanted to scout the parameter? What if Naruto got tired of land and retreated upstairs for fresh air? He’d literally end up upstairs—no way was that kid going to hell. If these were ninja-world standards of Friendship and Loyalty according to Hyuuga & Co. Naruto was going to be the best man on the planet.

Hyuuga seemed to have picked up on his discomfort and probably misunderstood his reasons for it too; she smiled weakly at him. The last thing he wanted was for Hyuuga to smile at him.

“Well?” said Karin. “Do we carry you now?” Her tone was light, but getting a bit testy.

Sasuke scrambled up and shook himself out of it. Revision: Last thing he wanted. Was for her to touch him.

In Naruto’s defense, he really did try. He’d tried to stay away from bushes after the seal Sakura-chan lectured him about, and then he’d resisted the impulse to dig into a pile of leaves just laying around right there, and then he hadn’t tried to attack the Kusa-guy with the weird lips.

It was the Kusa-guy with the weird lips that talked to him first.

Much later, when he’d explain himself, Sakura-chan would say, “Of course, of course you couldn’t resist talking . What was I thinking?” a bit hysterical, but thats far off in the future.

At the moment, Weird Lips took a step forward, and Naruto one backward. 

“Hello, I’m Shiore,” he smiled. He had a soft voice and looked like death warmed up.

“Uh,” Naruto tried. “You’re pasty.”

Then he legged it. Sakura-chan had explicitly told him to do so. While every single cell of Naruto’s body rebelled against the very thought of being called a coward he just had to, right? He had to run. Because they needed to find the bastard and bring him back. Even if they win this one. The scrolls and fighting came later.

“Running away, I see,” Shiore said, “How cowardly.”

Naruto skidded to a halt.

“HUH?” he hollered, “ What did you say?”

“You heard that?” Pasty laughed softly. “Sorry. Not sorry. Where are your teammates?”

“Why the hell would I tell you that, Paste-face?” squinted Naruto, genuinely confused. Was this dude dumb or something? It was literally the chunin exams. “Did you hit your head or something?” he continued, looking to Pasty’s teammates for assurance. The teammates had their faces hidden with great straw hats and walked like they were dead on their feet too.

Great. Could a genin not have good Conversation these days?

“ Welll, Naruto-kun,” Pasty drew out. “The first polite thing to do, always, is to ask .”

“That didn’t work, obviously!” a voice reprimanded from the right. Naruto lit up. “What the hell are you doing there talking to them, you idio—”

“Sakura-chan! You’re back!” he grinned, cutting in and  waving her away, instead of over.

The kunoichi furrowed her brows. Stopped. She surveyed her surroundings and groaned.

“You could have told me!” she complained, beelining into another direction. Another Naruto popped up from a bush, grabbed her hand and actually legged it.

A gobsmacked second later, Shiore straightened himself up. “Running away like a coward again, I see,” he sing-songed, voice carrying eerily into the woods.

“Eh, the real one can afford it,” Clone-Naruto said, flapping his hand. “We clones aren’t cowards though.”

At this, at least fifty Narutos barraged into the clearing in a Naruto-run. They overwhelmed the dead-looking teammates, knocking them out. Several Narutos noticed that their faces had changed . Whatever Jutsu they did, they had weirder faces than Pasty now. With Clone #1 in the center, they disappeared equally fast.

“The second thing to do,” Shiore hissed, emerging from the smoke. “Is to take . Where is Uchiha Sasuke?”

“Uh,” said the last Naruto left. Pasty’s eyes flashed.

Here lies #51’s last words: “Wouldn’t we like to know, dattebayo."

When Sakura came to know that a “pasty-creepy- killed ALL of my clones in a second, Sakura-chan!” Kusa-nin was looking for Sasuke, she wasn’t very surprised.

“He is the last Uchiha, Naruto,” she’d have said. “I’d read up on this more because it was plain embarrassing how little I knew about Uchiha culture before this—and to think I was going over declaring myself the next matriarch! These Uchiha are really popular, you know, and there’s always people who want a glimpse of them. It’s just surprising we haven’t come across someone else asking for Sasuke-kun.”

But what she actually said was, “What a weirdo! And you say he killed off 50 clones in no time?” Because that was true too. And Naruto was genuinely looking worried. She didn’t want him to go off the rails and get lost too.

“Yeah, weirdo.” Naruto scrunched his nose up in disgust. They’d sent a clone out to scout the perimeters, but were still keeping an eye out. “And he could, like, stretch his hands. Like bubblegum. White bubblegum… white mochi… very chewy…” 

He trailed off that way, and Sakura sighed. Okay, maybe not that worried.

“Huh,” said Naruto. All of a sudden he was paling considerably, so much that by the second that Sakura was left to wonder whether he was doing an impression of the pasty kusa-nin.

“Naruto?” she said, putting an arm on his elbow. He shook it off, shaking himself in the process.

“This ain’t good, dattebayo,” Naruto mumbled, looking down. “Something’s wrong with that guy. He isn’t genin.”

“What?”

“Minion 91 didn’t listen. He went looking for Pasty because you know, coward stuff,,” Naruto said distantly, still looking at the ground. “And he was on a tree and saw Pasty offing his sidekicks. Killed them in one blow because I’d knocked them out and they were useless, I guess. Then he shed his fucking skin and he looked at 91 and he got 91 dead.”

“ What? ” Sakura said. She didn’t know where to start. “The clone died? Just like that? Shed skin? Like a—a snake?”

“Pasty was pastier, Sakura-chan,” Naruto said, looking at her now. He looked uncharacteristically serious. “And taller. That wasn’t no genin. He had weird purple eye-make up too. Like a snake.”

“Are you saying there’s a—a— snake-person after Sasuke-kun? That he broke into the chunin exams and killed his teammates to get him?”

“ Oh,” Naruto gasped again. “Another one down!”

“ What?!” Sakura squeaked shrilly. “ Is he nearing us?”

“No, this one’s Lee! Snake-man’s fighting them! Come on, Sakura-chan!”

Without waiting for an answer, Naruto took off. Breathing heavily, Sakura watched him ago. He'd run off anyway. She waited a beat, as if to exchange glances with a member that wasn’t really there, and bit back a cry.

She’d come here expecting nothing. Every other new genin team was taking it, but so were much older, skilled ones. She just wanted to. Maybe gain some experience. Take the exam next year. 

Now though; Sakura better pass this exam and become chunin or else .