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The phone kept buzzing.
Four missed calls from Sam.
He threw the damn thing across the room.
Cas's words were echoing in his head, The one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have.
You are the most selfless, the most loving human being I will ever know.
I love you
Dean buried his face in his hands as a sob wracked through his body. He couldn't believe it. Any of it. Cas had made a deal without telling him. Hadn't they been through this enough already? Didn't he know how it would end? But Dean couldn't even make himself be mad about it, couldn't twist this sadness into rage.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
It wasn't like Dean hadn't known. Sort of. There was always something with Cas, in the way that he moved and spoke and in the way that their touches would linger. There was a part of him that had always known, the same part of him that wanted to take Cas's face in his hands and kiss him breathless. But as Cas had said the words, the only thing that Dean could think was not like this, not like this. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Cas was in front of him, saying everything that Dean was too afraid to even try and say, too afraid to hear. He'd tried to answer him, tried to tell him- but it all happened so fast. Cas pushed him away and Dean couldn't do anything but watch as his best friend, the love of his- was taken by The Empty.
The words lingered on his lips, a ghost of a confession that would haunt him for the rest of his life.
The one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have.
Cas had thought that-
Fuck he was an idiot. They both were. Always dancing around it- this thing between them. Always saying it however they could without daring to actually cross that line. Dean should have done something. He should have said it in purgatory when Cas stopped him, should have told Cas to "let him speak god dammit" and get the damn words out in the open. He should have said it before then, when Cas came back from The Empty the first time, should have told him that he loved him and missed him and to never do that again because Dean didn't think he could handle losing Cas one more time. He should have said it when he gave Cas the mixtape with his heart inside it. He should have said it when Dean had thought that killing Amara would be a suicide mission. He should have said it when he found Cas on the side of the road after believing for so long that he'd left Cas in purgatory to die.
He'd never said it.
Dean had wanted to say it, so many times he'd wanted to say it. But the words always stuck in his throat, so he shoved them down because later, he could always tell him later and Cas already knew didn't he? Cas hadn't known. He'd spent god known how long feeling the same way as Dean, and not saying anything because he somehow thought that there was no possible way that Dean could ever love him back. How many times had Cas almost said it before this? How many times had Cas tried, but Dean was too stubborn to hear it? And now Dean couldn't fix it, couldn't even tell him because Cas was-
Cas was gone.
"Cas," his name fell from Dean's lips, a whisper into the deafening silence around him and then Dean couldn't stop saying it. "Cas. Cas. Cas. Cas. Cas. Cas-" he said Cas's name over and over again, as if that by itself might be enough to bring him back.
The bunker was quiet. Too quiet. Too empty.
Dean didn't know what it was like there for Cas. He'd told Dean some when he'd first gotten back, after Dean had gotten them a little drunk at some dive bar and he couldn't stop himself from smiling. He remembered something that Cas had told him that night, between the shots and the "accidentally" brushing hands. He'd heard one thing, one thing that was loud enough to wake him up. He'd heard Jack's voice, Jack's longing. He remembered what Jack had told him, how Nick had done it to Lucifer too. It was a long shot, but Dean didn't have anything more to lose. He closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands, taking a deep breath before daring to break the silence.
"Cas, Cas I hope- god, I really hope you can hear me." Dean's voice was shaking as tears ran down his face. "Come back, please Cas, come back. I don't think I can- I can't do this without you. So if you can hear me, wake up, fight." Dean was shaking again, and it was getting harder not to suffocate under the weight of everything. "I need you here with me. Cas I-" the words were there now, ready and waiting to be said. Why did it have to come to this for him to be able to say it?
"I love you." He hoped Cas could hear him, he hoped that this would be enough. He needed Cas to be able to hear him, needed Cas to know. "You said- you said that the one thing you want you know you can't have. Cas if you- Cas, come back to me. You can. We can. Just come back to me. Castiel, I love you. Please, I love you, come back. Come back. Come back." Dean held his breath, waiting, hoping for something, anything.
The bunker was quiet.
Dean sobbed.
~*~
Castiel watched as Dean raked the leaves in Lisa's yard. He wanted to appear to him, to ask for his help, but Dean was happy here. Living his "apple pie life" as he'd called it once. He couldn't do that to him, take him away from the happiness he so deserved. He still wanted to. He still wanted Dean by his side, wanted the Righteous Man who he'd rescued and who'd rescued him in return. There was a voice from behind him, calling his name. Castiel turned, expecting to see Crowley, but instead there was nothing.
"Just come back to me. Castiel, I love you. Please, I love you, come back."
Dean.
He turned back around, but Dean was gone too, the leaves he'd been so dutifully raking left abandoned on the ground.
Dean's voice was in his head, and he thought this must have been a trick somehow because Dean would never say any of this. It must have been some sort of cruel cosmic joke because Dean- Dean didn't love him. Not the way Castiel loved Dean. Dean's voice grew louder, clearer, and the place in front of him began to fade away until there was nothing but Dean's voice. Dean telling him that he loved him. Dean telling him that he wanted him back. Dean was in pain, Dean was hurting because Castiel wasn't there. Dean needed him. Castiel had to get up, had to move, had to do something because it was Dean down there saying that he loved him and Castiel needed to get back there, he needed to tell Dean that he-
A jolt of pain and longing shot through him, and Castiel felt his body curl in on himself as he heard Dean weep. Castiel inhaled, ready to fight, ready to wake up.
He opened his eyes to darkness.