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Dear Diary - 10/09
It’s Amity, again. I don't know why I always say that- who else would be writing in here? Ed or Em, probably. And Titan, you could probably tell it's them.
It won't stop raining! Ugh. It’s been like this since I woke up- they even had to cancel school. Boscha keeps posting on her private pentstagram about how they shouldn't have cancelled Grudgby, but even I know that’s a bad idea, and I’m the one who threw her into the stands that one time I tried that awful thorn vault.
I know I should just unfollow her account. Maybe Willow would trust me more, then. I don't know.
I texted Luz earlier. I don't- I don't know- I can't
She’s my best friend, my first actual best friend since I messed things up with Willow. It's stupid, and childish, but it makes me so happy that she’s my best friend- that the human world spat her out here. I feel lucky. Mom always tells me I'm lucky for being a Blight, for being her daughter, but I don't know. I'm supposed to be some smart kid but I don't think I know a whole lot. I don't know why I haven't felt this lucky, ever, to know that Luz is my best friend.
To mom, friends are just social climbs. Business meetings. I don't know about that- I don't think it's right. Maybe to her, these things aren't necessary to survive, to keep your body alive, but I want a deeper connection than that so badly. And I can't think of why! It's awful. It hurts so much, I just want something other than business associates. I want to keep laughing like I used to with Willow- I want to keep feeling the little shocks on my skin like whenever Luz hugs me.
Are best friends different from regular friends? They have to be. Luz is so different- I just notice her differently. I notice her a lot more often, too. I like her voice! I like to hear her talk, she’s so enthusiastic! Her smile is so bright and she’s so, so pretty. And she likes Azura! I've never told anybody else about Azura- I never knew it could be so amazing to find somebody who understood what I was talking about. I think, if I was born a boy, I would be in love with Luz. And I don't know why that hurts to say, but it's true. It's not like I
Oh
It's definitely like
Signing Off.
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Dear Diary - 10/10
I don't think I can put this into words. Why can't I just have a best friend without ruining it? Why does it feel like I love Luz? I shouldn't. And I can't. But I think I do and that scares me- that scares me even more than the rumors about the beast underneath the school!
Mother can never know about this. Father can never know about this.
Ed and Em are going to find out- they can keep secrets, but they're not going to like it.
Luz.
Luz.
Luz, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry- you deserve a better best friend. You don't deserve me. I don't deserve you. Please forgive me please don't hate me, ever, I don't think I could take it.
-Amity
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Dear Diary,
It’s been a long few weeks- my ankle’s finally healing up. I don't know what happened to Luz, but she’s been quiet. She’s been so quiet, I'm scared she doesn't want me around, or that she can hear my heart beating around her. But today she did something that… surprised me.
I keep thinking that one day she’s gonna tell me to leave her alone, but today, she actually asked me to come over. I did, and she didn't say much- I know it's mean, but I don't like how quiet she’s become. Like one little noise is going to break something. But today, she just kept leaning on me and cuddling up to me, for lack of a better word. I know it sounds romantic, but- she’s just a friend. That's it. And it’s definitely too soon after… whatever happened for her to know that I. Betrayed our friendship. Like that.
Emira’s tried to talk to me about it, but I don't want her to. I can figure this out on my own! I’m a big witch now. I can get over this stupid crush all on my own- I don't even like girls like that! I'm just not used to having a best friend and my brain got confused. I'm probably getting over it soon.
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Dear Diary,
I don't have a problem with other people not being cishet. But whenever I think about myself, I just think about Amity Blight. I’m not supposed to want these deeper connections, my first love should be my Coven. That's what my parents and the emperor say. But I yearn and I want and I feel and I hate it.
I want to be a perfect daughter.
I want Luz.
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Dear Diary,
I told Willow. I told her a secret, and in exchange, she told me one of her secrets. When I told her- when I showed her this journal- she just hugged me. She looked sad and I didn't know why, but she just hugged me and told me that I was okay. That I wasn't doing anything wrong. It was so stupid, but I cried- and I couldn't do anything about it because I care about Willow, I can't hurt her!
She kept telling me that I deserve love, and that I can talk to her about this any time I need to. I just hugged her again. I know it didn't mean much to her, but that was the first hug anybody had ever given me. I didn't want to let go. It wasn't like hugging Luz, though- this was different. And I think that's alright.
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Dear Diary,
Did you know that Luz’s hands have scars on them? Without healing magic, they get these things called callouses. Somehow, her hands are still soft. I don't think I'm ready to even hint to her that I like her, but I told her that I like girls only. She hugged me- what is with that group and hugging?- and she said she was proud of her, and I'm serious when I say that I tried so hard not to cry. It was just three words, but something about them felt so right and so relieving.
I think I freaked out a little when I first realized this all. I'm still getting used to it and I'm still scared, but I think I'm getting better.
I think I'm really, really lucky to have Luz. And Willow.
-Amity <3