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“Who cares about this shit, learn your damn math!”
With those venomous words, Sanemi tore the certificate in half, then in half again. The four crumpled pieces of paper fluttered to the stage floor as he let them go, face twisted in anger and disapproval. He walked off the stage, an eerie silence falling over the crowd.
Genya remained rooted to his spot on the stage, eyes locked on his brother’s retreating form. It was so quiet; why wasn’t anyone saying anything? His eyes drifted to the shooting award he was supposed to be receiving.
Remaining just as quiet as the crowd, Genya bent down, scooping up the torn shreds of the certificate. His fingers shook. He straightened back out, locking eyes with the shocked presenter. His lips curled into a melancholy, shaky smile, and he lowered his head in a respectful bow. He hurried off the stage and took his seat.
After a moment, the presenter cleared his throat. “So, for our next award we have-”
Genya tuned the rest of the speeches and awards out, shoulders hunched in a feeble attempt to appear smaller. He was shaking, shivering, desperately trying to ignore Tanjiro’s concerned glances.
He didn’t need the sympathy.
Genya knew that Sanemi didn’t approve of his shooting skills, or his position in the shooting club. He knew that he wasn’t good at math.
But, he never imagined the brother he admired so much would shred an award he was proud of for an activity he was good at, in front of the entire school at an awards ceremony.
Genya felt… utterly humiliated and betrayed.
~~~
He attempted to puzzle piece the certificate back together when he got home. It was a lackluster effort. The corners didn’t fully line up because they wwe crumpled, some of the words unreadable because of the tears running through them.
Genya smiled to himself as his eyes watered.
“Congratulations to Genya Shinazugawa of Kimetsu Academy, for placing first in the National Shooting Championship.”
That’s what the presenter was saying before Sanemi interrupted him.
A few tears fell onto the certificate. Genya hurriedly brushed them away, leaving smears. Making the award even more worn and damaged than before.
Genya heard footsteps outside his door. They paused for a moment before continuing in the direction of the kitchen. Sanemi probably wanted to tell him that dinner was ready but decided against it.
Good. Because Genya really, really didn’t want to talk to his brother in that moment.
His stomach rumbled from hunger. He hadn’t eaten anything since that morning. The awards ceremony was before lunch, and he couldn’t stomach anything after that. And now, if he wanted to eat, he’d need to face his brother.
Genya went to bed on an empty stomach that night, curled up on his futon and hugging at his blanket, trying to muffle the sound of his cries.
The scraps of the certificate were crumpled away behind some old algebra notebooks in his desk drawer, hidden from sight.
~~~
The next day, Genya announced to Hairo that he was quitting the shooting club. The club leader did not seem pleased.
“Because your brother is an asshole, we’re losing our ace,” he grumbled. Genya curled into himself at the harsh words.
“I- I just think that I sh-should devote more time to my studies,” he stuttered out. “That t-takes priority, after all.”
Hairo scoffed, still obviously displeased. “Well, if you change your mind, we’ll always have a place for you on the team.”
“Thanks,” Genya said with a forced smile. They left it at that.
Quitting the team was a heat of the moment decision, one Genya knew he would regret later. It was fueled partially by anger and spite, partially by a resigned sense of guilt. It was true that his grades were slipping. Maybe… maybe, if he just dedicated more time to his schoolwork and not his hobbies, then-
Genya knew this would only make him unhappy in the long run, without shooting to give him an outlet. He frowned as he handed back his rifle and scope and turned in his club uniform.
But, maybe it would show Sanemi that he was going to put in an effort into his work. Not that he wasn’t putting in effort before. Would that make him respect Genya more?
He trudged through morning classes, ignoring all of the pitiful glances everyone gave him. It came mostly from the students, though the teachers also seemed to go easier on him.
Genya hated it. Those glances felt empty, faux. They had always been scared of him before because of his build and his scar. They only began acting like this when they deemed he wasn’t a threat, reduced to a shivering mess by his own brother.
The lunch bell resounded. Genya felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned his head to see Tanjiro.
“Hey, Genya,” he said with his usual, cheerful voice. He didn’t wait for Genya to answer before dragging him to their usual spot.
Genya belatedly realized he had forgotten his lunch. He only had a small breakfast that day, just whatever he could shovel in before Sanemi came in, when he threw his stuff into his pack and rushed out the door.
Tanjiro seemed to have that covered, too. “Here,” he said, pulling out a small box and extending it to Genya. He opened it, finding some rice and pastries inside.
“Thanks, Tanjiro,” he said, smiling again. “I- I needed this.”
“Do you want to talk?”
Genya shook his head. Tanjiro gave an understanding smile. “Well, I think your shooting skills are great, and you were awesome there during the competition.”
At the very least, Genya could count on Tanjiro to be the kind hearted, honest self.
~~~
“Are you hungry? Dinner’s getting cold.”
“Not hungry. I’ve got homework.”
“How’s… uh, shooting club going?”
“I quit.”
“Quit?”
“Yes, I quit last week. Please go away, aniki, I’ve got math homework to do.”
Sanemi sighed, stepping out and closing the door behind him. “Alright, Genya… There’s food in the kitchen if you get hungry.”
Genya didn’t reply, bent over the assignment Sanemi assigned earlier that day, ignoring the pain in his stomach and the tears in his eyes.
~~~
Genya was greeted by an eighty four on his history test. He tried not to cry in class.
And history was supposed to be his “good subject.” And now his grades were slipping there, too. Was he just destined for failure?
“It’s not a failure,” Tanjiro assured him. “Eighty four is a good score.”
“But it could be better,” Genya argued back. “It has to be better.”
“You’ve had a hard week,” Tanjiro said. “Have you been eating enough, sleeping enough?”
“I’m fine,” Genya lied.
Tanjiro puffed his cheeks out, thinking. “How about we have a study session at my place after school.”
“Study session?”
“Yeah,” Tanjiro said. “Inosuke and Zenitsu and I have been doing them for a while. I know you had shooting club before, but-” he paused. “Or we can just hang out and talk, you know? We have a bunch of goodies at the bakery you can try.”
Genya nodded numbly, folding the test paper into his backpack. “Study session sounds good. Thanks, Tanjiro.”
~~~
Genya knew, that Sanemi knew, that Genya was avoiding him. It wouldn’t exactly be hard to miss how he curled into himself more than ever in the classroom, didn’t speak for any reason. It persisted at home, where Genya would lock himself in his room, only leaving to eat when Sanemi wasn’t around.
What was there to say? This would, of course, blow over soon enough, and things would return to how they were. It always did.
But, Genya wanted Sanemi to say something . How were they supposed to return to normalcy after this? Genya knew Sanemi had it hard, he had to provide for them both. He knew Sanemi was trying his best.
So, if he knew Sanemi was trying his best, why did he feel so sad?
Again, he wanted some acknowledgement of his own pain, his own struggles. He felt casted aside and unimportant. Any and all of his worries, brushed aside because they weren’t as numerous, weren’t as pressing, weren’t as bad .
Genya knew that Sanemi was wrong to shred the certificate. Everyone knew. But, he found it hard to fault his older brother.
So, if it wasn’t Sanemi’s fault, then it must have been Genya’s.
If he just did better in math, he could still be in the shooting club. Sanemi might have even put his distaste for it aside to praise him.
If only Genya was better.
~~~
“Genya, do the problem on the board.”
Sanemi’s voice was sharp, cutting. Genya tried not to flinch as he stared at the problem.
Some sort of integral with two variables and a fraction. Genya felt his stomach drop. How was he supposed to solve those again? Sanemi had explained it the day before, so Genya knew it in theory. But, as he looked at it now, he knew he’d mess up the numbers somehow, or forget to multiply the factors out, or something.
Everyone was staring at him. They knew, they all knew he was bad at math. If they didn’t know before, they knew after the awards ceremony. Why, why did Sanemi pick him?
Genya wanted to say something, at least ask for help or say he didn’t know how. But looking at his brother, all words died on his tongue.
After a few seconds, Sanemi turned his gaze away. “Agatsuma, you do it, instead. And walk us through the steps.”
The blond squeaked, but scampered up to the board and hurriedly started writing out the step by step solution. Genya half heartedly scrawled out his own work in his notebook, copying Zenitsu’s answers.
After Zenitsu finished, Sanemi glanced over the solution before giving a curt nod. He turned his head back to Genya. “Everyone got that?” he asked, though his eyes were drilled directly at his brother.
Genya gave a small, shaky nod. His face felt red hot, flushed from embarrassment, and he was sure there were tears in his eyes.
Sanemi didn’t call on him for the rest of the day. When the bell rang, Genya was the first to rush out the door.
“Genya, wait!” Tanjiro called after him. Genya looked back to see the redhead, with Zenitsu and Inosuke waiting by his side.
“You’ll be coming to the study session today, right?” Tanjiro asked. “We can go over the integral problems again. Zenitsu’s got them down, he can help.”
Genya scowled, and Zenitsu cowered. Genya felt a bit guilty for that, but the sense of humiliation lingering after class overshadowed that.
“I’m fine,” he forced out. “I can figure it out by myself.”
He needed to show Sanemi that he can figure it out by himself, that he was smart, and capable, and didn’t need to rely on others. Otherwise, any respect he could gain was directly dependent on the assistance of his peers, and meaningless in a vacuum.
Genya whirled around and marched away, wanting to get home before Sanemi did so that he would have a chance to eat something. Then, the hell that was the calculus worksheet awaited him.
Genya didn’t need help, and he sure as hell didn’t want it.
~~~
Genya was wrong. He was so so wrong.
He needed help. He desperately needed it.
He was staring down at the problem sheet, filled with more of those stupid fraction, double variable integrals. Opened in front of him were the notes from today, which had also lost all meaning. He couldn’t make out his own shaky handwriting.
He was crying, panicking. Tears splashed on the papers in front of him, snot dribbled from his nose. It was a messy, pitiful sight. One Genya did not want Sanemi to see, so he kept his mouth covered to stifle his sniffles.
This was hopeless, utterly hopeless. He couldn’t hope to understand. He was already considering phoning Tanjiro and begging for help when a knock came on the door.
Genya stilled. Looked like his attempts to stay quiet didn’t pay off.
“Genya, you there?” His brother’s voice came from outside the door. “Can I come in? We- we need to talk.”
Genya sighed and prepared himself for the inevitable lecture. “It-it’s not locked,” he said, voice strained. He wouldn’t be able to hide the fact that he had been crying, but he still swiped his sleeve across his face, trying to wash away the tears and snot.
Sanemi opened the door and stepped in, taking a seat in front of Genya. His face was passive. Genya couldn’t decipher what his emotions were.
“Pl-please make this quick, aniki,” he forced out, trying to sound assertive. “I’ve still got the ho-homework to do-”
“Forget about the homework for now,” Sanemi said. “Look at yourself. You’re in no shape to do that right now. Let’s talk, and you can come back to it when you have a clear head.”
Genya sighed, looking away. He felt cold suddenly, shaking and trembling all over. This wasn’t making him feel better. It was just wasting precious time.
“Talk about what?” The bitterness in his voice was palpable. “Nothing’s wrong.”
Sanemi stared at him for a moment. “Genya, you and I both know that’s not true. You were practically crying in class today. We need to talk about this.”
“There’s no point,” Genya said, still staring at the ground. “Just give it another week, it’ll blow over. Nothing’s gonna change.”
“Things won’t change if we don’t talk about them,” Sanemi said. “But, I think it’s safe to say we want things to change.”
Genya stayed silent, so Sanemi kept talking.
“At the awards ceremony, I fucked up. What I did was fucked, and there’s no excuse for that. And… I’m sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Genya tried to say, even though it obviously did matter. “I- it’s in the past, so there’s no reason to worry about it. A-and besides, you’re stressed. I-I know you’re just trying to take care of me, and that shooting’s dangerous so you’re worried, and-”
“Stop,” Sanemi said. “Just because I’m stressed doesn’t give me an excuse to act like an asshole. Hell, the fact that I’m your guardian now is all the more reason to not act like an asshole. And, yes, the ceremony is in the past so there’s no changing what has happened, but it does matter if it’s affecting you right now.”
Genya finally met his brother’s eyes. “It’s just-” he paused. “I don’t see what the point is. What’s the point of me telling you anything when I’m always the one that has to change?”
The last statement came out with more venom than he intended, and he curled back. He was ready for the verbal lashing about how Sanemi “had more responsibilities, more things to worry about, how Genya should be grateful his life wasn’t as hard-”
All Sanemi did was wince for a moment before his face became placid once more. “What do you want me to do differently?”
“Huh?”
“How do you want me to change?” Sanemi asked. “I- this isn’t a bullshit question, either. I’m dead serious right now. I mean, aside from the obvious, what do you want me to do differently?”
Genya was stunned. He sat in silence for a moment. “I guess… just-”
Why was his mind blanking now? Why couldn’t he think of what to say?
“Don’t yell as much, be less aggressive,” Sanemi said, offering suggestions. “Anything else?”
“Don’t- embarrass me in front of the whole school,” Genya replied. “Or anyone, really. Don’t be so hung up about my grades, because I really am trying my best.”
“Okay,” Sanemi said after a moment. “I’ll work on that.”
Now that Genya had started talking, it was like a damn broke. “And- and, please don’t be mad about shooting club.”
Sanemi raised one of his short eyebrows. “I thought you quit.”
“I-I did,” Genya stuttered, backtracking. “But, it’s just- I’ve been so stressed and that’s the one thing I’m really good at, and I like it, too. I promise I’ll be careful, and-”
“Okay,” Sanemi said again. “Just- please be careful. You know- how I feel about guns and all, so I’m worried about that. But, if you promise you’ll be careful… They still have a place for you on the team, right?”
Genya nodded shakily. “I was their ace, so Hairo-sensei said I’m always welcome back.”
Sanemi nodded, as well. It was clear the conversation was winding down, but Genya felt a bit lighter now. He sniffled, a few fresh tears in his eyes.
“You still got the certificate- pieces of the certificate?”
Genya made a light noise of affirmation, pulling out the scraps from his desk drawer. Sanemi took them into his hands, looking over them. His eyes shined with guilt.
“I know it’s not much, but I can try to- tape it back together,” he said. “How does that sound?”
“Yeah, sounds good.” Genya sniffled again.
“Go wash up, I’ll get some dinner ready. I can help you with the worksheet after that,” Sanemi said, getting to his feet. “I- is there anything in particular you want?”
Genya shook his head. Sanemi hummed lightly and headed for the door. “Wait,” Genya called. Sanemi turned around. “C-can- can we hug it out? For good measure?”
A small smile crept onto Sanemi’s face. “Alright.” He stepped back inside and towards Genya, wrapping his arms around him. Genya sighed and buried his face into Sanemi’s shoulder. They hadn’t hugged like this in a long time.
Sanemi patted him on the back before breaking away. He paused for a moment, then ruffled his hair for good measure.
“I promise I’ll do better for you, Genya, starting right now,” he said, once again leaving. Genya nodded to show he understood even though Sanemi couldn’t see him.
Maybe things would get better.