Chapter Text
It had been a slow day. The type where the minutes passed by in hours, and hours passed in days. It especially didn’t help being currently unemployed, having retired from being a Mafia leader in your mid twenties. Ever since, Kurapika had been mainly stuck in their boyfriend's apartment, who was almost always out due to work and medical school. The only reason they'd ever leave is to either go out with him or to see close friends. Being home alone was typical for them. And for the most part, it’s pleasant compared to how dangerous their life used to be. But these slower days were the worst because that meant you were left alone in your thoughts.
And Kurapika couldn’t seem to get out of their own head.
It all started a little after Leorio had left for the day. They’d fallen back asleep after their usual routine of briefly being woken up by his constant rummage of their dresser, trying to find a decently smooth undershirt to go with his usual suit. Occasionally, he'd make coffee if he had time, always leaving an extra cup for Kurapika. They would usually wake up hours afterwards, when their coffee was already room temperature. But he would always quickly kiss their head and wish them a good day before he hurriedly leave their apartment. Despite them being cranky in the mornings, it was somewhat amusing to hear Leorio consistently struggle throughout each morning. It had been his routine, and Kurapika happened to always observe, which they grew to love.
Soon after leaving, they easily were lulled back to sleep, only to be met with a nightmare from a lifetime ago.
The day they returned back to their village after failing to find a doctor, only to be met with the bloody corpses of their brethren.
This particular dream used to be a lot more prominent, from their old life from not even a year ago. But ever since they've quit their old job and started dating Leorio, the nightmare became less frequent. They also had other nightmares that related to the Phantom Troupe, their parents, or their former close friend, Pairo. The latter was typically the worst, as it always the most gruesome, with his dismembered body and bloody eye sockets where his eyes were gorged out. Sometimes, they'd even witness him being brutally tortured and murdered by a Troupe member.
They woke up in cold sweat not even ten minutes later, shaking and breathing heavily. Their vision was fuzzy, unable to maneuver easily as they tumbled off the bed. Upon hitting the floor, they curled into a fetal position, flashes of corpses silhouettes appearing every time they blinked. Kurapika remained there for a few minutes, covered in sweat and dust f, before slowly dragging themself up and leaning on the mattress.
Their head felt groggy and full, and they analyzed their space, trying to remember where they were. A whiff of cinnamon cologne caught in their nose, and they brought the fabric of their shirt to their nose, inhaling deeply.
Leorio.
The memories of his presence slowly filled their mind, as they tried to focus on that rather than their previous flashback. Leorio once mentioned if they ever began to have intrusive thoughts, or bad memories, to try and distract their mind with an activity that brought them comfort. But they currently couldn't remember what they did enjoy, rather thinking about who they enjoyed being around. This method worked only momentarily, as the flashback remained in the back of their head. For a moment, they'd considered looking for their phone to call Leorio--let him know they were in between an episode. But they didn't want to interrupt him from classes, as he left barely thirty minutes ago.
Meekly, they got off the bed and unsteadily stood, cautiously stumbling towards the bathroom. Preventing themself from falling, they gripped onto the corner of the bathroom counter, planting their bare feet against the cool tiles. They panted heavily, the short trip taking a toll on them as they barely had any energy to begin with. Looking forward and facing the mirror, they saw their was appearance pale and hair messy. Kurapika turned on the faucet, splashing cold water on their face, getting droplets on the mirror and counter. Maybe once they’d come to their senses, they’d remember to at least wipe the mirror. The bathroom was due for another cleaning anyway.
The cool water only heightened their senses, their body now shivering as the cold, stale air met their skin. Images of their dead clansmen flashed every time they blinked. It was all becoming overwhelming for them, and they gripped a chunk of their hair, pulling down harshly in attempt to cause new pain as a distraction.
“Stop…” Kurapika whispered, tears forming. They slowly began backing up, blinking once more to see their parents before them.
They were merely shadows; lifeless and stiff. They reached out an arm, believing for a second they were actually there. Only meeting air as their hand went through them, they retracted in a flash, shaking their head in disbelief. Choking back a sob, they shut their eyes, hot tears streaming down their face.
“Kurapika..” a distorted, ghostly voice whispered.
It was hard to distinguish who's voice it was. The silhouettes possessed no mouths, and Kurapika was too distraught to focus. They just wanted the images to stop.
“Go...go away,” they pleaded, digging their nails into their arms. “Please!”
Looking up again, they were met with another shadow—one resembling Pairo. He took a step closer, causing the other to frantically scoot back until they hit the wall. This didn’t stop the shadow, as he got closer until he stood over them, before he squatted down to their level. Pairo reached out, cupping Kurapika’s face, stroking their cheeks with his thumbs.
His fingers were distant, ice cold, sending shivers down their spine. They screamed, attempting to push off the misty shadow, only meeting with failure. Pairo mostly remained unphased, only momentarily dispersing as hands went through him.
“It should have been you.”
His tone lacked venom, but only remorse. Kurapika’s pupils shrieked, immediately understanding what he meant. More tears fell, and they finally stopped struggling, letting Pairo hold them. All they did was nod on agreement, a part of them still believing that they should have died along with their clan. Or even just them over Pairo. They still would trade places with him in a heartbeat if it meant he'd been able to live.
“I—” Kurapika croaked, fully embracing in his cold touch. For some reason, it felt comforting; nostalgic. It was a memory of Pairo, as bittersweet as it was, and they longed to hold him again. And this was the closest they could have that.
“I know. I’m so sorry.”
As soon as they said those words, the shadow dispersed into a cloud of smoke, disappearing soon after. Kurapika called out his name, a pathetic attempt to reach out again, but to no avail, it didn’t work. Come back. Please.
They began to sob violently, tucking their head as they brought their knees up, still piercing their skin with their nails. They didn’t care about the pain, as it was dull compared to the pain in their heart. However, they invited it, as their nails dug deep enough that their forearm began to bruise. Their body shook violently, as many thoughts and intrusive ideas ran through their head. They began scratching their arms, leaving a trail of red bruising. Had they pressed any deeper, they'd been able to draw blood.
I could still join them.
That thought scared them. As much as suicide seemed more than plausible right now, it would also be a...permanent solution. And if they attempted now, it would undo everything they’ve done to get better. There was so many factors they needed to account if they were to make the attempt even successful.
They bit their lower lip, thinking of Leorio. I couldn’t do that to him. Even though they wanted to so badly. But they wouldn’t. Not only would it upset him, but they would also go against everything that the Kurta stood for. They would be dishonoring them by taking the easy way out. They would betray their clansmen, their parents, and even Pairo.
Kurapika was too deep in thought to realize they had laid down on the bathroom floor, still curled up. The shaking eventually died down, as well as their tears, leaving them completely exhausted. Their mind slowly overcame with stillness, as their weariness finally took over, sleep overcoming them.
~
A loud, distressed voice awoke Kurapika abruptly, taking a few moments to regain consciousness, looking around to find the source. Leorio was crouching over them, a hand placed on their shoulder with a concerned expression.
“‘Pika? You okay?”
Kurapika blinked, fully processing the events from earlier before growing with guilt. They stood up quickly, wobbling as they regained their stance. Leorio followed suit, both hands around their arms incase they were to trip. They gently took the hand that was on their arms, removing them.
“I’m fine,” they lied, looking up at him, but refusing eye contact.
Leorio was too worried to be annoyed by their stubbornness. He frowned, reaching to grab their arms again and extending them, revealing the marks they left on themself. Kurapika hissed, looking away in defeat as they snatched their arms away, tucking them inside each other. They couldn’t deny what they were--it was clear as day those marks were intentional. He managed to catch a glimpse of their eyes, which were scarlet red. That was definitive proof that things weren't alright.
“Don’t lie to me. Were you in here all day?”
All day..? Kurapika didn’t completely realize that time had actually passed. It obviously made sense, as Leorio was now home, and he’d normally get back around evening, if he had not worked overtime. Had they passed out here all day? They opened their mouth, but no sound came out, and they only glanced down at their feet.
It was becoming more clear that they couldn’t lie to him about what happened. Not that they could to begin with. But it was still hard being vulnerable with him, especially about their past. They were lucky their boyfriend was so patient when it came to that, and he never prodded them to express more than they were comfortable with. They sighed, closing the gap between them as they wrapped arms around him, instantly being met with warm, strong arms.
“I’m sorry,” Kurapika mumbled into his chest, feeling tears building up once more. It was surprising they still had any left, despite not eating or drinking anything today.
“Hey, hey..” Leorio hushed, his face softening. He gently ran a hand through their tangled locks. “S’okay. ‘M here now.”
“No, I—” They struggled, tears falling. It's not okay. They aggressively rubbed their face against his shirt, getting it wet with snot and tears. Leorio couldn’t care less.
“I—I know I should have...called, or something. But I was scared..” Kurapika admitted, body slightly shaking once more. They felt nauseous just from confessing that alone.
Leorio decided to guide Kurapika to the floor as they sat down. He brought them onto his lap, one hand continuously brushing through their hair and the other rubbing circles over their back. He knew they enjoyed his touch, even if they barely admitted it verbally. Still, that was an accomplishment for him, because physical affection was his main love language. And right now, it was needed more than ever.
Kurapika continued to silently sob into his chest, as Leorio occasionally soothed them with words of affirmation. He’d also sometimes plant chaste kisses on top of their head, another form of affection they loved. Eventually, the other began to calm down, their shaking gradually slowing until coming into a halt. Their breathing became more stable, and tears stopped forming in their eyes.
“Mind telling me what happened?” Leorio asked after a little while, trailing his hand up to their cheek. Kurapika involuntarily leaned into his touch, eyes closed as they basked in his warmth.
“I kept seeing them. My old family…” they eventually answered, their expression grimaced. “My parents, Pairo...I shouldn’t have survived..”
They clutched their hands around the fabric of his shirt, tightly shutting their eyes to prevent more tears.
“I should have died with them. I miss them all so much..”
The sight of Kurapika left Leorio heartbroken. He himself knew what it was like to deal with loss, but not at their extent. It was enough to make him teary-eyed, and he brought them into a tight hug, with no intent of letting go. But he also couldn't let what they said slide.
“Don’t talk like that!” Leorio scolded, a few tears escaping as they dropped down, landing on top of the blond’s head. He wasn't angry at them for feeling what they felt. If he were in their case, they'd felt the same way.
“I know y'miss them; they were your family, and what happened to them wasn’t fair.”
He released them, only to gently cup their face, gazing into their bright red eyes. He used his thumbs to wipe away any loose tears off their cheeks.
This action alone made Kurapika break. It was similar to when Pairo did this earlier, but this touch felt warm and safe. And they were sure Pairo would have been the same, had he been alive. Their tears got his hands wet, but they couldn’t stop, despite reaching their limit.
Leorio leaned in and repeatedly kissed their cheeks, along with the falling tears. “You deserve to be here.”
Kurapika heard that phrase before, but every time it was hard to believe it. This time was no different. They quietly shook their head, only to be met with belligerent kisses, courtesy of reassurance. More tears fell, as they kept frantically shaking their head, refusing to believe him. No I don't.
“Dammit, yes you do!” Leorio insisted between kisses, not relenting. He ignored his own tears, as the only thing that mattered right now was the love of his life. “You deserve to live! If not for me, or the others, hell, if not even for yourself, then for your fallen members!”
They frowned, only feeling more guilty for having intrusive thoughts. What Leorio said was true, they would want them to live, enjoy life to fullest. To find happiness and love, within pursuits, people, and the world itself.
Surrounded by those who cared about them.
“Though, it would be fantastic if you lived for yourself as well,” he stated bluntly, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. “But y’know your loved ones would want ya to live your life. It’s the least y’could do.”
Silence only followed, which was expected. They both knew that Kurapika wasn’t at that point yet, but it was still better than nothing. Still, the thought was appreciated, and they both had hope that the possibility would come. Just in due time.
“Plus, I want you t'live your life. You know that’s what I’ve wanted for years.”
Kurapika sighed, placing their ear against Leorio’s chest, listening for the familiar heartbeat. Their eyes were lidded, and they grew more exhausted by the minute. Even though they had slept the majority of the day, they wanted nothing more than to fall asleep besides Leorio, being comforted by the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
“‘M sorry…” they murmured quietly, their bangs falling above their eyes. They still felt guilty, but weariness overcame that by the second. “Wasn’t my intent.. to make you worry.”
They were slurring their words, making it clear of their low energy. Leorio noticed, and carefully secured his arms around them and lifted them, standing up. He quickly brushed away their sweaty bangs away from their face, noticing their irises turned back into their usual gray. Sighing in relief, he gave a warm smile, nuzzling their forehead.
“‘M just glad nothing worse happened to ya,” he said earnestly, carrying them outside the bedroom and out into the living room.
Kurapika didn’t fully acknowledge their surroundings until they were placed on the couch, internally whining as the familiar warmth left.
“Leorio…”
“I know you’re tired. But ya needa eat something first,” Leorio didn’t even need to clarify with them about that. He already knew the answer the moment he saw them laying on the bathroom floor.
Kurapika groaned, too tired to carry out any real conviction. “You’re a terrible cook.”
The other sputtered, growling as he was about to rebuttal them. His face softened, and he chuckled, planting a kiss on top of their head.
“You wanna try cookin’ something?”
They furrowed their eyebrows at his mockery, remaining silent. There had been less than a handful of times where they’d admitted they were wrong whereas Leorio was right.
“That’s what I thought. Besides, you ain’t any better.”
They hummed, rolling their eyes through closed lids. They laid on the couch, the furniture being as wide as their height. It was a perfect fit, though somewhat uncomfortable. Leorio grabbed a thin blanket from underneath the coffee table and unfolded it, placing it over Kurapika. Though it didn’t really do much with warmth, the gesture was nice regardless.
“I’ll try not to be long, alright?” He leaned down and planted another forehead kiss. “Y’want hot tea as well? Chamomile with lemon?”
Kurapika nodded, letting a small smile creep onto their face. Upon seeing their face, Leorio grinned back, going in for a longing kiss on their lips. They hummed sweetly, their cheeks flourishing in color for the first time today.
“I love you,” they said after they parted, their face content and relaxed. It wasn’t too often they were outwardly affectionate like this, but it got easier overtime.
Leorio stroked their cheek one last time before removing his hand. “I love you too, sunshine.”
He walked to the kitchen, preparing the stove to boil hot water for their tea and store-bought ramen. The night was still young, but he wanted nothing more than to make sure Kurapika was fed (well enough) and safe in his arms. And as soon as Kurapika finished their meal, they were going straight to bed to cuddle away all bad thoughts for the night.