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“Hey Fear! Get over here...” Remus cried out without turning around from his creation. It was another attempt at a monster, perfectly designed for hiding in Thomas’ closet. Tendrils and beady eyes stared lifelessly back.
“I do actually have other stuff to do y’know...” Fear muttered before leaning completely on top of Remus, his arms awkwardly dangling from where he flung them over his shoulders. Fear closed his eyes immediately with a peaceful sigh.
“Yeah yeah...” Remus scoffed as he scooped up Fear’s hand. He closed his eyes and let the feeling wash over him. An understanding flowing gently through him. He ignored his own insecurities coming to light and focused on the beast. It was like seeing through someone else’s eyes. The monster now seemed almost terrifying. Its eyes were like a lizard’s, constantly staring with an intense look despite not seeming to focus on anything. The tendrils were the perfect length for grabbing feet that stuck out from the covers. But, it moved too normally. It moved just like anything else. Not anxiety inducing enough... Remus experimentally twitched and threw his head around before making the creature copy the movements. Twitchy snaps that made it look even more reptilian. “What do you think?”
“I hate it,” He chuckled, “I like how you remembered the eye thing!” Virgil demonstrated bugging his eyes out while Remus simply laughed him off.
“Yeah, at first I thought that would be boring but it really is the blood splatter on the corpse!”
“Ew!”
“Are you two finished yet!” Deceit suddenly snapped as he stormed into the room. “We don’t have much time, his mum has already left!”
The three sides instantly jumped into action. Deceit made sure to cuddle the both of them under his arm so to keep their focus on the task at hand. His influence blocking any other thoughts or doubts. After some rushed bickering, they settled for the creature to materialise out of the jacket that was hanging on Thomas’ closet. Once it was in place, they appeared around Thomas’ bed in a tight huddle; invisible to the boy but their thoughts seemed to ring around his head.
“Oh Thomas, I’m sure you’re perfectly safe...” Deceit whispered with a fake joyfulness, he almost sounded like Morality. Remus giggled frantically before Fear slapped a hand over his mouth.
“But what if you’re not! Anyone can break in at any time!”
“Oh it definitely wants to eat you! But what if it’s like a spider and slowly melts you first! Ooh! Or or... what if it uses those tendrils to throw you out the window.”
Once Thomas started snivelling, they all excitedly squealed before rushing to sink down. Once they all rose up again, Remus cackled joyously and grabbed them both into a tight hug before they could even orientate themselves.
It wasn’t often that they carried out a massive plans like this but Deceit had specifically asked for it for his birthday. It was fun and all, planning out all these nightmares, but it was nothing compared to the adrenalin of actually doing it. Seeing how far they could go before Logic stepped in. Deceit had a massive grin as Remus pressed him tightly into shoulder, despite Deceit being so much taller. Virgil rolled his eyes at the antics while stifling his own giggles into Remus’ outfit. As they all caught their breaths, they all snuggled deeper into the others. Deceit’s influence flowed through them, making it harder and harder to focus on anything but the excitement of doing that! Any thoughts on how Thomas might be upset seemed like whispers behind a shouting glee of ‘oh did you see Thomas’ face’.
The dark sides had always been close. Their influences to each other was what kept them sane and allowed them to do their best. They had to be close! They were the rejects. Where would they be if they started turning their backs on each other?
Remus needed Fear’s understanding on negative emotions so he could better create terrifying nightmares. Although he wouldn’t admit for many years, it also turned his own fears and storm of ideas into a calmed puppy rather than a roaring beast. Deceit also helped him to keep his mind on track. Virgil calmed the storm and Deceit’s influence helped him find the very best idea out of them all. There was no way he would be able to scare Thomas without either of them.
Fear thrived off of Deceit’s influence. The ability to calm his mind and forget his worries was the only reason he could practically stand most days. Without him felt like hiding from a hurricane without any clothes on. It just wasn’t worth even trying. With Remus as well, he was like an actually functional side! He had ideas and could see whether an idea would work. He knew that he would be nothing without either of them.
Deceit loved Remus’ influence the most, despite how unfair that felt to say. Ideas and scenarios swam gently through his mind. How could he get better at lying? What lies would work in this scenario? Why didn’t this work like last time? He recognised that he could turn to Roman for the same influence but of course that would require being able to get close to him.
Then there was Fear’s influence.
A headache would slam against his skull, his brain feeling squished, every time Virgil sadly nuzzled further into his arm. Deceit wasn’t even sure he actually felt Virgil’s influence. All he ever felt was the resounding pain and exhaustion every time they touched. It got worse the older they got. He remembered being aware of it when they were maybe six years old, but then it was only like getting pins and needles. Not painful, totally manageable. But now it felt like a needle pressing through his skull. Until now, Deceit managed through it knowing just how much Virgil needed this. Until now.
Deceit sighed. His mind screamed ‘stop’ but he wasn’t stupid enough to keep going through this. Thomas was nine and therefore they were only nine years old too. But Deceit’s mind was settled. Scraps of plans were scattered around him like some sort of halo. This was for the best. It had to be... He would just talk to him and hopefully limit or stop exchanging their influences.
They had just finished dinner and he waited carefully until he knew Remus wouldn’t be leaving the imagination any time soon. Bless him, he still thought that it was a secret that he met Roman in there. Fear was tucked into his side as usual. He snickered beneath his breath. Surely that was a given. Not worth pointing out! Where else would he possibly be. “Fear, can I talk to you?” He spoke, slowly pushing Fear into sitting on his own.
“Uh...”
“There’s no nice way to word this,” Deceit lied, “Your influence can sometimes be a bit much.”
“What do you mean...” Virgil had paused before responding. He melted into Deceit’s side just as he always would. Something even vaguely uncertain and he’d burrow away. Deceit’s influence made everything so sluggish, Virgil frowned trying to decipher what he could mean. The only thought slipping through Deceit’s denial influence was confusion.
“Well,” Deceit sighed but his stomach clenched painfully, “That is just who you are! You are Fear. So naturally your influence is unpleasant. Well, unpleasant is a strong word. But you get the point...”
“Okay... But what if I’m... okay that’s fair but I’m not sure... Um I... Okay.” Deceit snapped to look at him. His face slacking and his jaw falling open.
“Do you think that you are something other than Fear?”
“W-what! No! No way! Of course not! W-where on earth did you get such a... s-silly idea? Deceit... oh y- No.” Fear didn’t move.
“You want to try again.”
“Maybe? For a little bit now...” Fear awkwardly made eye contact but the room seemed stifling, “I’m thinking I’m Anxiety? Or maybe something similar and I just don’t know the word yet. Heh... I mean I thought I was Paranoia for awhile there but I- I mean I worry about real stuff too. I’m not strong enough to be Fear. I’m pretty sure I’m Anxiety.” The side was whimpering and his eyes nervously spanned across the room. All his inner thoughts and worries just spilling from him without any control. He wasn’t even sure who he was but now he had told someone! Now he had to be sure. He curled tighter and tighter.
Deceit sat back for a second. This wasn’t at all in any of his plans. There was no reasonable way he could’ve predicted this. Was his influence so strong that he forced him into denial about who he truly is? Years spent under a name that didn’t suit him? No... Deceit breathed. He started this conversation for a reason, “Right. I’m glad you’ve figured this out. At least a little. But this does raise a good point. So you’re Anxiety...” He trailed off.
“Uh... sure,” He stammered.
“Does Anxiety sound like a good thing to spread to others?”
The other side’s chin was starting to wobble and he tried to inch further away from him yet never actually moving away from his touch. He sighed. He looked positively pathetic like this. Tears made his eyes look somehow even bigger, his hands nervously clasped under his chin and even his black hoody now seemed too big and scary for such a side. He cupped the back of his head and pulled him tightly into a hug. Surely, he could wait a few more days to tell him. “If it makes you feel any better, I think I’ve finally chosen a name. Don’t worry about what I said. Just... dear old Janus being silly.”
Janus hated himself for backing out. But Anxiety was like his brother. Maybe he could just keep going on. The influence wasn’t exactly like a headache, just more like an intense tiredness. Nothing bad! Surely it wasn’t worth this upset. If it ever did get too much then he can just actually talk to him again.
Anxiety’s identity crisis seemed to slow after a few weeks, longer than anyone expected, but it seemed like he was glowing now. He was so much more energetic but obviously that still was partially from him and Remus. To be expected. This time though, Janus took a different approach, “Hey Remus. Do you mind talking?” Janus asked as he settled down on Remus’ bed. He was sitting at the desk with his eyes bulging as he tried to manipulate whatever daydream was forming. He waited patiently by examining just how filthy his bed was today- not that bad considering. At least that means he should be in a good mood.
“Yeah, what you wanna talk about?” Remus finally seemed to process Janus’ words and snapped up unnaturally.
Deceit looked up, “Well, this might seem like a bizarre question, but do you like Anxiety’s influence?”
“What? Of course I do! He’s the only reason why I know about Thomas’ fear of spiders!”
“No! I meant... more in general. The feeling.”
“I mean yeah! It makes everything so much easier! Instead of feeling all gross and like I’m going to vomit, I just know I’m feeling nervous that we’re going to get caught or something. Why? Do you not like it?” Remus frowned. He looked at Janus like he was looking at him for the first time ever. His words had stilted and slowed towards the end. His eyes widening. Janus felt his gaze like a searching light. But obviously nothing had changed. Well, Anxiety wasn’t glued to his side, hiding under his capelet as he always did. Janus shrugged, hating how his own eyes were watering up, and walked over to Remus. Remus dazedly hooked his arms around Janus’ shoulders. His face stared blankly past his shoulder. “What does this mean? Are you lying to us, because you said you wouldn’t do that with important stuff! Does this mean I can’t go near Virgil? When did yo- No, have you told him? Why... What! What does this mean!”
“I don’t know just yet... But I think you should stop worrying about Anxiety and give him space,” Janus whispered and allowed his influence to stop all those thoughts.
Remus had loved his fifth birthday party. It was such a treasured memory. At the time, he loved finally showing Fear and Deceit his slowly growing kingdom and the entire land. The different creatures, carefully balanced to form an actually sustainable ecosystem, to the different houses made out of hollowed out trees. Everything was obviously doused in a good dose of weirdness but it all functioned in its own world. They went exploring in caves, though Fear got mad at him once he figured out he kept changing the tunnels deliberately. He loved when they made themselves bigger and attacked a village. But looking back, the best part was afterwards. The entire time they all held hands. So natural that no one even questioned and wanted both of their hands available. But it was when they came back to the mindscape and all fell asleep on the sofa. They must’ve looked like an overfilled graveyard- bodies just piled on top of each other.
They had always been close. Remus could count the times they were completely separate on one hand probably.
“Your influence is a bit much right now Virgil. It’s like agreeing to give myself a headache,” Janus muttered and turned away from him. Virgil deflated. That had to have been one of his worst panic attacks ever, Remus thought after he heard the gasps from Anxiety’s room. He kept asking if he was allowed to go in but Deceit kept saying that it was ‘probably the best to leave him alone’. It was such a small thing! What a cry baby! You left just because of that! He probably didn’t even mean it! It was such a small thing! Janus was so obviously just tired that day or something. Remus spent years screaming at anything that reminded him of Virgil.
Remus was older now. He wasn’t an idiot. That was simply the straw that broke a very fragile camel. Virgil had just told them that he wanted to go by a name, just like him. Imagine telling someone you’ve picked a name out for yourself and then being denied the very next day. Janus had probably already told Virgil that he didn’t like his influence but it only then just hit Virgil? Maybe... Janus of course never liked to talk about what actually happened. That one poor comment was just poor timing.
Right now, he wanted to go up to the light sides and apologise to him. Hell, he could even go to Patton if he really wanted to for tips for a good apology! But he knew that the second he saw him, all those childish accusations and anger would erupt again. His head throbbed painfully. “Ugh, what am I even worrying about! It’s not like I would actually go apologise... Heh, if only Virgil was here. Then maybe his influence would make me realise what I’m even worrying about,” Remus smiled to himself, drooping off his chair, “I guess Janus will do.”
Janus wasn’t surprised to feel Remus drape over him like the dramatic cat he was. It was like clockwork. Now barely a day passed when he didn’t have a green and black lump glued to his side. It was practically a part of his uniform now. He had to laugh. Of course it was years too late before he realised it wasn’t Virgil’s influence that bothered him, but rather his own.
It made no sense, he kept lying to himself. It was so rare to feel your own influence or be drained by giving people your influence. Or that was what Logan’s research found. Janus resented that his experiences always left him drained. Virgil had too many constant rushing thoughts and anxieties for him to cover up. Yet, without Virgil’s influence, the Duke now has too many constant rushing thoughts and anxieties for Deceit to handle. They had all depended on each other and now they were missing a piece. A headache slammed against his skull, his brain feeling squished, as Remus sadly nuzzled further into his arm.
Remus laughed at just how much he now depended on Janus. Surely Janus would always be there for him to burrow away in, always. He swore he would be once they realised that Virgil wasn’t coming back. His remaining constant.
Why would he ever want to leave...