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You glare down at the table for much too long, barely aware of what Xie Lian is talking about, trying to find the way to say it. You’re only making things worse, the longer you drag it out. Making yourself look worse— Though Xie Lian wouldn’t hold that against you, would he? No, that’s idiocy, you’re perfectly aware of how people respond to you.
He’s stopped speaking, and you didn’t even realize. You tense.
Quietly, he says, “Mu Qing?”
If you don’t say it now, you never will. “Your Highness,” you force yourself to say. “May I kiss you?”
There’s silence for a beat, and you force yourself not to react. But then he only lightly says, “Of course.” You can hear the smile in his voice, even if you can’t bring yourself to look at his face. He rises to his feet and steps around the table, sitting down again right beside you.
For a long moment, you’re frozen.
Xie Lian says, “Would you like to kiss me?”
Despite yourself, your hand clenches into a fist. You grit out, “I don’t need you to humor me.”
“Am I humoring you?”
You want to believe that he isn’t mocking you. You still have to take a breath to force yourself to settle before you can speak calmly. “Am I supposed to believe it’s just— this easy?”
Was it always this easy? Was it always just a matter of… asking?
To his credit, Xie Lian takes a moment to think before he answers you. “I don’t know if everything is this easy. But you asked to kiss me, and I said yes. Does it need to be more difficult than that?”
A kiss. If he’s trying to say this is just about a kiss, then either he’s a fool (he is), or he thinks you’re an idiot.
You look at him—glare at him—for a moment, but he seems to be perfectly sincere.
“And are you trying to tell me that Crimson Rain Sought Flower is perfectly happy with, with—”
Xie Lian gives a tiny sigh, and glances down at the table. “San Lang knows that I have a life beyond him.”
“Does he?” you say, more bitterly than you meant to.
“And the life he’s built for himself doesn’t just start and end with me.”
You bite the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from arguing with him.
You think that Xie Lian catches something in your expression anyways, because he smiles a little ruefully. “He has the Ghost City, and his underlings, and any number of responsibilities that don’t involve me. Things which are his, not mine. I wouldn’t want him to give all that up, just because I’m here now.”
Eight centuries apart, for both you and Hua Cheng. But now Xie Lian is back, and Hua Cheng has— everything, just because he was bold enough to put himself forward. Your stomach twists as you wonder whether it really was as easy as asking, all along.
Besides, Xie Lian is either delusional, or too naive for words. Anyone with eyes can see the way Hua Cheng watches him. And you’ve known Xie Lian since you were a child, you can see the way that he watches Hua Cheng in return.
Gently, Xie Lian says, “Mu Qing?”
“He hates me, you know,” you abruptly say.
Xie Lian sighs again, heavier this time. “San Lang and I… disagree on some things. My friends are one of them.”
Friends. You steal a glance at Xie Lian, but you have to look away again. Your face is starting to burn, and you hate it. You clench your jaw so tightly it makes your head ache. “I’m surprised he isn’t here right now to drive me away.”
“Mu Qing…” His voice is only mildly reproachful.
“Your Highness—” You look away. Your voice is too sharp, but you go on. “There are two men lost in a desert. You have a single cup of water.”
“I’d get a second cup of water, of course.” he says, softly laughing.
“There’s only one of you,” you snap.
He pauses. More seriously, he says, “Can’t I offer both men a portion of the water I do have?”
“So they’ll both die of thirst.”
He pauses for a moment. You still can’t bring yourself to look at him, but when he speaks, you can hear him smiling again. “Can’t I still choose to share myself out, even if I’m not enough?”
That isn’t— You weren’t trying to say—
As bluntly as possible, you say, “Your Highness, if you’re trying to tell me that Hua Cheng would be willing to share you, you’re either lying, or you’re wrong.”
“Hm.” You keep your eyes fixed on the table, but at the edge of your vision, you see Xie Lian look up at the ceiling, tapping his chin. “I think San Lang would give me whatever I asked for. So I need to be careful of what I ask him for.”
“And you expect me to believe he’ll be satisfied with anything less than all of you?” It comes out too angry, too bitter, and you immediately regret it.
He turns towards you, and you freeze, staring down at the table. Mercifully, he doesn’t respond to what you just said. Instead, mildly, he says, “Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I feel as though— You don’t want an entire cup of water, or even half a cup of water.” He laughs, self-consciously. “Perhaps you’d even find an entire cup of water somewhat unpleasant.”
He’s… right. You thought about it, obviously. What it would be like to be so… close. Having him follow you home, following him to his home, never being more than arm’s length apart, never having a moment to yourself—
You’re almost certain it would have been only a matter of days before you did something… unfortunate. It was just another reason to set aside foolish ideas, and never think about them again. Another sign that you clearly weren’t made for such things.
Softly, Xie Lian says, “Mu Qing?”
You swallow hard. Before you can stop yourself, you say, “I don’t know how much I want.” You immediately want to take it back. It’s too true, too revealing.
Xie Lian only reaches out to touch your arm, and you manage to stop yourself from flinching away. He doesn’t seem to notice, he only says, “We’ve known each other for quite a while— And I do think we know each other well. If you ever decide that you’ve had enough and want to leave, I won’t hold it against you.” He pauses and laughs once. “But for the moment, you asked if you could kiss me, and I am perfectly willing to be kissed.”
You only mean to steal another glance at Xie Lian, but once you look at him, it’s hard to look away. He seems perfectly patient and content, sitting there beside you, his hands folded in his lap, waiting for you to respond.
You take a slow, deep breath and try to center yourself. When you’re certain your voice will be steady, you steel yourself and ask, “Your Highness, will you kiss me?”
Xie Lian smiles gently, says, “Of course,” and without hesitation, bends forward to meet you.