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It didn’t start with what he was calling the Sarah Incident. No. Really this had been building for a while. Since before the children. Since before mam died. Probably since tad died. Rhiannon blamed him. Blamed him for running, for putting walls up. She blamed him for not talking to her.
well the talking goes both ways, doesn’t it?
She really had never understood. Not when they were kids and she was working a job to help keep food on the table. Well, he’d been too, but she stayed when she could’ve gone to uni. Ianto left. As soon as he took his A-Levels, he was gone. And she blamed him, because she didn’t understand.
dad didn’t break your leg on purpose, you know? he pushed me too hard. he always did . well you should’ve held on tighter.
She blamed him for not forcing a relationship dad never wanted. Dad didn’t want a push over for a son. He wanted a strong man. Someone to take care of the family where dad had failed. And Ianto couldn’t hold onto that. He couldn’t bare to look at mum and Rhiannon who expected him to just taken dad’s expectations like they were nothing.
Rhiannon had tried to reach out after the 456. He’d reached out first, informing her that he was in fact not dead, and it had been a ruse by the government to get to Jack. And that was that. He wanted to go back to normal. To not talking. Plus, it was kinda hard to keep in touch while him and Jack were on vacation. Seeing the universe. Oh the things Jack showed him.
Ianto’s first task upon coming back to Earth, only six months after he and Jack had left and a year after the 456, was starting up his usual coffee dates with Sarah Jane. Years they’d been doing this now. Ever since he’d shown up at her house, broken and confused and so very very alone. The local shops knew them. Well, as well as they could know them.
They went to their favorite, the staff that was still the same greeting them with cheer and asking them where they had been. Vacation. It was an easy enough lie. All around the world is what Ianto would tell them.
He and Sarah Jane were at their normal table, enjoying their normal drinks. He told her about the worlds Jack showed him. The encounters they had. Meeting the infamous River Song. Sarah Jane told him all the things she’d gotten up to with her kids. The Judoon visiting Earth. The Trickster and all the trouble he caused her. It felt good to be back. He’d loved travelling, seeing what was really out there and not just the junk that fell to Cardiff. But he missed this. Being with his best friend.
They were on their second round of coffees when it happened. They were laughing about something - Ianto wasn’t sure what when he thought back on it.
“Ianto!”
Rhiannon had walked into the shop and was coming over, all loud and commanding as she was. She was smiling, the smile she saved just for him. A mix of caring and patronizing. But the smile dropped. She looked between the two of them, and he could see it.
He knew what people thought of him and Sarah Jane. They got on like a house on fire, and they were a man and a woman. People thought . And he knew exactly what Rhiannon would think, because despite it all he knew his sister. And he knew that while Sarah Jane could handle a Rhiannon blow up, he didn’t want her to see that.
“I better talk with her. Jack wanted to do takeout at mine. You, me, and him. A little catch up You’ll come, yeah?”
“Wouldn’t miss it. I’ve got that interview to do anyway. I’ll see you at dinner.” She smiled, and Ianto knew that she knew. That she knew he needed to deal with Rhiannon on his own. That likely she and Jack would hear about it in the aftermath. And not for the first time, he couldn’t conceptualize just how much he loved her.
He gave her a big hug, because damn it even with Rhiannon watching he wasn’t going to not hug Sarah Jane Smith. No one could turn down one of her hugs. And then he turned, taking a deep breath and preparing for the storm.
“Rhiannon. Join me?” he said, motioning towards the table.
Rhiannon barely waited for his invite before she dropped into the seat that Sarah Jane had just vacated. She ordered a cappuccino from the waitress who’d stopped by before leaning her elbows on the table. She tilted towards him, as though they were in some kind of secret conversation. As though they had secret conversations.
“Who’s she?”
“Sarah Jane Smith. I’m sure you’ve heard of her. Renowned journalist, published author. Brilliant mind, really.”
“Alright, but who is she ? I thought you were all bent now.”
Ianto sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. This is why he didn’t want to have the conversation. Why he hadn’t wanted to have the conversation about Jack a year ago with Rhiannon. have you gone bender? That’s what Rhiannon had asked last time.
“Or is it - you know? All that sugar-stuff. You know Terri took that up, bringing in a little extra money for her on the kids by going on dates with older men. Mind you, the way Susan was talking about your Jack I thought he’d be all set. Taking you to fancy restaurants and the like.”
He picked up his coffee, taking a long drag out of it and praying to the coffee gods to give him strength.
“It’s not like that.”
“What? You and Jack not a thing anymore? Or are you not - ya know, gay?”
“I’ve never been gay!” Ianto snapped, perhaps a little too loud as other patrons glanced over at him.
Their waitress stopped by, handing Rhiannon her coffee and giving Ianto an encouraging smile.
“I’m not gay, I’m not straight,” he said, softer this time because he shouldn’t have to explain this to his sister let alone other people in the shop.
“What you on about?” she asked before taking a loud sip from her cup.
“I just like people . I believe the term people would attribute to that is bisexual. Or there are other ones becoming more popular. But it doesn’t matter. Gender doesn’t.”
“So you’re having threesomes or some’ing?”
“No. That’s not. This is why I didn’t want to explain it before. It’s not threesomes, I’m not seeing multiple people. It’s just Jack. Only Jack. I didn’t lie about that. He’s - he’s it.”
“But then Sarah?”
“Sarah Jane is just a friend. Probably my best friend.”
Rhiannon huffed, leaning back in her seat and taking a long drag out of her cup. She was eyeing him. Letting him stewed while she was signalling she had more to say.
“Well it really isn’t my fault. If you’d bothered to call me, or talk to me at all.”
Ianto couldn’t help but laugh. He leaned back in his seat, it’s front legs lifting off the ground for a moment.
“What’s so funny about that? I’m your sister, ‘yan. You act like we’re bloody strangers.”
“Because we are! When was the last time you talked to me? Phone calls, conversations. They go both ways Rhiannon,” he snapped. “You act like I’m the person who tore our family apart. That me leaving ruined everything. For once, just once , maybe you could imagine that I didn’t have a bloody choice.”
Ianto stood, not bothering to push his chair back in. He stopped by the waitress - his and Sarah Jane’s waitress, who always talked with them and told them about the crazy customers that came in. He paid their bill directly to her, not wanting to wait and wanting to make sure to leave a tip.
“Come back soon, yeah?” she said with a soft smile. “We’ve missed you all. And I’d like to see that handsome man of yours again.”
“I’ll see if he wants to come next time,” Ianto said.
He wandered for a bit. Ended up down on the bay, looking over the old tourist shop. They had to regroup. Well they didn’t have to do anything. But Torchwood - well he wasn’t sure he could ever leave Torchwood for long. And Cardiff needed it’s defenders. They’d talked about calling Lois in, finding a doctor. Maybe Martha would come in for a bit.
When he’d cleared his head enough to realize he didn’t want to be alone, he made his way back to his flat. His and Jack’s flat. It felt good to say. Sure, they’d been living together unofficially for a long time now, but it had always been yours or mine ? Now it was theirs.
“And then her husband barged in! In the middle of our wedding, mind you.” Jack’s voice carried from the kitchen, as did the smell of curry. Ianto’s stomach gave a rumble and Jack’s voice trailed off.
Ianto left his keys on the table by the door and hung his jacket up on the hook before making his way into the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway, taking in the sight of Jack and Sarah Jane unboxing the take out, glasses of wine nearby. Jack beamed at him and crossed the kitchen to steal a kiss.
“I was about to call you,” he said. “Sarah Jane said that Rhiannon crashed your date.”
Ianto sighed. He’d just managed to take all the little things and shove them into boxes in the back of his mind. Where he could leave them untouched. But he knew that wasn’t good, and he was trying . He was really trying to not keep things bottled up.
He heard Sarah Jane get down another glass from the cupboard and accepted the wine with a tired smile. He could feel Jack hovering at his side. His anchor.
“Let’s eat in the living room, yeah?” Ianto said.
Sarah Jane and Ianto ended up on the couch while Jack sat on the floor across from them, food and wine laid out across the coffee table between. It felt strangely intimate, despite the fact that they had done this before. Ianto had changed into a t-shirt instead of his button down, they were all in their socks and into a glass of wine each.
“It just - she never understood, right? She did everything she did for our family because she wanted to. She wanted to help mum out. She wanted to make sure the pair of us had uniforms for school. She wanted to make sure we had breakfast and dinner. It’s not that I didn’t want that too - but …”
“It was an obligation” Jack finished for him, and Ianto nodded.
“I was never good enough for dad. Never what he wanted out of a son. And Rhiannon, she never understood that. So when I left, she blamed me. For dad leaving after, for mum being sick with worry. For never calling.”
He sighed, reaching for his glass and taking a sip. He could feel Sarah Jane squeeze his other hand, sending a ripple of strength and encouragement up to him.
“You deserved to leave, to figure out who you were without them. To be yourself. And look how far that’s gotten you,” Sarah Jane said.
“You’re brilliant, Ianto. Whoever your father wanted you to be - it wouldn’t have been the man I fell in love with.”
Ianto nodded. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. Stupid stupid tears. He shouldn’t be crying over this . It had been this way for years! It wasn’t anything new.
He could hear Jack getting up, and it only took a slight shove for Ianto to scoot towards Sarah Jane. He sat there, his two favorite people on either side of him. Safe, secure. The family he had made. That had taken him in, bruises and cuts and all.
“I want to be there for David and Mica, I really do,” he said. “I want to be a good Uncle to them. To be there at their birthday parties and Christmases. But I don’t want the third degree everytime I see her. And it’s not just cuz I don’t talk to her a lot now. No matter how much I talked to her, it’d be all these questions without her ever listening.”
Ianto sighed, tilting his head to rest on top of Sarah Jane’s and squeezing her hand. Jack had his arm around Ianto, squeezing his shoulder lightly. And despite everything, he felt okay. No, he felt angry. All the sorrow and denial he usually felt was subsiding.
“And she blames me! Like it’s all my fault. I was a kid! And dad was - he was pushing and pushing and pushing and even when I tried to match him, it was never enough. But to Rhiannon, I didn’t hold on. I let them all go and that’s my fault.”
“They could have fought for you,” Jack said. “I would. I do.”
“You don’t deserve to be held to that, to be blamed for that. And she could reach out to you. She could try to understand.”
Ianto nodded, just slightly. He was frustrated, but even that was dying down as he focused on the warmth and love that was surrounding him. He wasn’t sure she’d ever get it, but at the same time maybe she did in some way. She was supposed to be the big sister, to be the person he turned too. But she never had been. She helped mum, and held mum’s hand when dad got too loud. Her and mum went on shopping trips and out with the girls when they needed a break.
Ianto had Nan’s to escape to, but even that didn’t last forever. After a certain age, he didn’t get his tears wiped or his hand held. Because to all of them - he was a boy, and boys don’t cry. But he could. He could cry here, with Sarah Jane and Jack. Hell, he’d turned up to Sarah Jane’s place in tears after the night with Jack and his mum and Mandy. And Jack had seen him cry, more times than probably anyone else. He didn’t have to be dad’s strong boy. He could just be Ianto.
“I’m tired of being the one who has to try to hold on with them,” Ianto said.
“Then don’t be. Or do. It’s up to you. And no matter what, you have us.”
Ianto nodded, and even though he didn’t fully process or believe it now, he knew he would. It would just take him. He’d have to let it process, let himself believe that he didn’t have to be anything but himself. That he could choose what he wanted out of his relationship with Rhiannon, that he was under no obligation.
And that if he wanted to try to explain, to try to reach out he could. Or if he decided he couldn’t take her pretending to listen, to want to know - only to make snap judgements or pry for information he didn’t want to give … well he could say no to that. And either way, he had family. Here. With Sarah Jane and Jack. With whoever else came along and with whatever family he and Jack were going to make for themselves. Stray animals, team members, whatever it would be. He had them, and they weren’t going anywhere.