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The 10 Steps to Derail Your Story Without Meaning To
The first time Shang DiShu (地鼠) was "blackmailed", it was from the Southern Demon Nobles. None other than Sha Hualing’s father, to be exact.
For a spy, getting his cover blown by the Southern Kingdom was a big disappointing flop. OK, so maybe he wasn’t that careful yet, he was young, just barely scraping by in making his golden core. He wasn’t anyone of value yet in his peak, barely an existence in his Sect. Maybe the implication of being a “spy” hadn’t set into him yet. But the moment the Southern forces blackmailed him into betraying the North, or else they will expose his smooth hide to the cultivators; Shang DiShu (Destined to be Peak Lord Shang Qinghua) knew, they had to go.
So for the fifth year of being a Spy for Mobei Jun, he decided to throw himself a shit show of a party. After getting permission from his Peak and MoBei Jun, Of course.
Lou Binghe wasn’t born yet, so TianLang-jun was still the Sovereign, but he was busy making-out with Su Xian half the time instead of looking over his territory, he didn’t know the rebellion his nobles were scheming.
Well, might as well do him a favor. Right?
Step 1. Kidnap Sha Hualing. -Easily done. Why is this even Step 1?
Sha Hualing was still a child at that time. Throw her a toy and bribe her with sweets, and we have one southern demon shipped to the Northern Dessert, safely under the care of teenage MoBei Jun. With precise instruction to “Take this child under your leadership and make her your subordinate; (*long explanation of this and that, Sha Hualing being a Demon Saintess, blah blah blah, Future power on the South, etc. etc.*), so that you shall be respected as the Rightful Heir of the Mobei Name.” And all that other bullshit excuse he’d cooked-up. And They actually do work well together, so that’s fun.
Step 2. Kill those who got his information
Now this was the challenge. He was still a weak cultivator at that time, well, weaker than normal. So anyway. There was this plot device he made when he wanted a human wife who was jealous of Sha Hualing, because she always got picked by Binghe to warm his bed.
So her curiosity and jealousy led her to discover this Race Altering Stone that could change her race from human to demon and back again when swallowed and spat out. (Gross, but in his defense, there were many legends of people swallowing rocks and spitting them out to transform into superheroes or something).
So anyway, he took said stone from an easily accessible abandoned antique shop for a cheap price, and disguised himself as a Southern demon servant.
After searching through some documents, he tracked down all the people involved in his “blackmailing” and skillfully, with as much An Ding Peak skill as he could mutter, slipped in varying kinds of poison in their tea. He planted different pieces of evidence on their work tables about plans to usurp this demon or assassinate this other noble demon for some petty thing or take over the position of this other demon for some other absurd reason.
And by the end of 3 days, all his blackmailers were dead. Their spies changing allegiance to him, and all was well in the little private life of Shang DiShu.
Step 3. There is none.
Now that he thinks about it, that was too easy.
Maybe Peerless Cucumber had something going when he mentioned his character's IQ were all below 40, except Lou Binghe of course.
Now he can just get out of here and return to his day jobs and everything is fine again…
Except, he forgot that Sha Hualing was still at the Northern Dessert, and Sha Hualing’s father was supposed to be the demon sovereign that Lou Binghe will defeat after he got out of the Abbys and TianLang-jun was still galavanting around in the human realm—- and who the fuck is going to run the Southern Kingdom now???
Meh, not his problem.
Step 4. It’s his problem now
After the leaders of the South *cough “massacred themselves” *cough, and left the ruling to no one. TianLang-jun was forced to go back to the Demon Realm to really put some elbow grease on ruling his Kingdom.
What he did not expect was that TianLang-jun would shamelessly kidnap the Huan Hua Palace head disciple while their love story was still in the midst of developing, thus, completely turning off Su Xiyan’s blooming affection for the romantic king turned malicious kidnapper. Now turned Demon Sovereign tyrant.
After the kidnapping, the Palace Master’s previously made-up story turned real, and so he’d arranged for an alliance between all the powerful sects to get his beloved Head Disciple back from TianLang-jun. And one of those Sects is the Cang Qiong Mountain Sect, and one of those Peak Masters are his Shifu, who was NOT supposed to go in the original story line because he was not yet the Head Disciple of An Ding, but because he did Step 2 without prior thought, TianLang-jun’s actions not only garnered hate from a few people, but also moved the current Sect Leader to send 7 of the 12 Peak Lords he has under him, and himself, as well as his head disciple, Yue Qi, and the other disciples from different peaks.
The situation was different now, instead of an ambush, it became a whole rescue operation, half of force and half of espionage.
And Everything is ruined! The chances of having a main character now is less than 20%!
THE SYSTEM EXPLODES WITH DEDUCTIONS!!!
Step 5. Shang DiShu panics!
Step 6. Shang DiShu calms the fuck down
Step 7. Shang DiShu Kidnaps TianLang Jun and Su Xian
He didn’t think that one through.
So now he’s got TianLang-Jun and Su Xiyan wrapped up in Immortal Binding Cables, demonic and spiritual powers sealed with one secret plot devise in his draft that absolutely NO ONE but himself knows about; and a passed out Zhuzhi Lang as his hostage. The works! A full-blown decent kidnapping! One day before the Sects were supposed to come and rescue Su Xiyan too.
“You will never get away with this, whoever you are!” TianLang-jun dramatically scowls as he grits his teeth and struggles at the binding cables. Shang DiShu had the common sense to change out of his uniform and put on a hood and mask, as well as an item similar to a voice changer before he’d decided to kidnap the parents of his main character. (As he said, decent kidnapping.)
“Oh trust me, I’m not trying to get away with anything. I’m just trying to save all our hides. So, you guys want anything to eat? to drink? I’ve got some sunflower seeds I’m willing to share.” He shakes the bag of seeds. “The pumpkin seeds are mine tho. But if you want them too… I can share, just a little.”
“Like we’d eat anything you give us, scum!” Su Xiyan bites back. She would be more threatening if she weren’t tied behind TianLang-jun.
“Hey, I said I was trying to save our hides… I’m not a bad person.”
“A bad person wouldn’t kidnap, nor take hostages.” TianLang-jun answers.
“But you kidnapped Su Xiyan, just a week ago!” Shang DiShu counters.
“I did not!”
“You did! I’m still mad at you, you demon!” Su Xiyan pushes at him, the action so unexpected, TianLang-jun gets folded in half.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think you would come with me to the demon realm if I’d asked.”
“I wouldn’t go with you even if you asked! I have a life! I am the head disciple of Huan Hua Palace! I’m not your toy you stupid demon!” She thrashes, squishing the demon lord to the floor of the cart.
“That’s exactly why I had no other choice but to kidnap you!”
“What?! You don’t trust me?”
“No!!! No! I trust you! I love you and I trust you! It’s just- I… I didn’t want to leave you…”
— Ok, so while the two were working out on their issues, Shang DiShu decided its time he goes back to actually kidnapping the Demon Sovereign and his soon to be Consort. And Demon General, who was still passed out in the corner of the cart.
Well, he had a few good places in mind where he can hide them. A little hidden alcove garden, romantic in every way. Or a secret realm, or a hidden ancient city underground. There are tons of options, but he doesn’t think the two would like any of these choices… So maybe, he’d just be a traveling nomad. Who knows…
Step 8. Don’t Forget to Tell Mobei-Jun Where You Are.
So, Mobei Jun, still a prince and not yet King, didn't really care where Shang DiShu was most of the time. However, he still checks up on him, to make sure he keeps his spy alive. So imagine his surprise when he checks up on his location to find out that his spy was no longer at An Ding Peak, but somewhere between the Human and Demon Realm Border.
Unsure of the situation, Mobei Jun teleports from a safe distance to check on his spy’s actions. Only to falter when he realizes his spy was sitting in a campfire circle with a tied together Heavenly Demon Sovereign and Huan Hua Palace Disciple, and the Demon General tied to a tree. While Shang DiShu (despite wearing a disguise, Mobei Jun can tell it was him, by his short stature and finicky movements), was busy telling stories at an entertained TianLang Jun and a passively resting Su Xiyan, while their food was roasting on the spit.
“So there are these things called Hovercrafts in space, they are the equivalent of flying on swords, but they have this protective cover to them that makes it so one can breathe, because as I mentioned before, the humans can’t breathe in space. It’s like, trying to fly in water. So anyway, Luo Binghe found one of those Hovercrafts on the surface of the Ion planet on one of his expeditions- eh, that means he wasn’t given a mission and he was just exploring.
He knew that Hovercrafts of such design were standard models, given to only the highest-ranking Governors of the Space Alliance, so when he saw it, he immediately thought it was an ally’s. As he got near it, there was a purple signet on the front hood of the Hovercraft, and he immediately knew who it was! It was Liu Mingyan’s Hovercraft! Daughter of Governor-General Liu and brother of his nemesis Liu Mingge.
After determining the owner, he searched for her on the desert-like planet of Ion. The heat from the two suns made the planet especially hot, but the nights made it especially cold with a water moon that causes the strongest of storms that make the entire planet humid with moisture that clings to their spacesuits. The moment he landed, he immediately knew something was wrong. There was not a single soul in the Hovercraft, and there was blood on the control panel and parts of the hood. Liu Mingyan was either in danger… or dead!”
“Oh! Such an interesting development. Continue.” TianLang Jun says, entertained.
Shang Qinghua flips the roast on the spit to cook the sides evenly. “So Luo Binghe, with his cleaver skills of investigation, followed the traces of struggle. Parts of the sandy soil were stained with small drops of blood, barely visible amidst the tousled sand. With a little more time and agitation, searching for Liu Mingyan could have been an impossible task, but Lou Binghe spotted the clues and followed the slowly disappearing trail. He searched for an hour due to the difficulty. Not only was the sand burying the blood, but the signs of struggle were also practically gone. He investigated until his search led him to a large Carnivorous Venoscious Heart Trap! One of the deadliest man-eating plants around the galaxy!
It was so dangerous, the Alliance had issues a law to kill all Venoscious Heart Trap Species in all planets under their domain. The last seeds only hidden in the Alliance’s Treasure Tree. Hidden and put under locks, vaults and key. Until Luo Binghe discovered this one.
Luo Binghe hides behind a large rock formation, since Venoscious Heart Traps can sense others’ energy by their movements in the moist air. Every drop of moisture can send signals to the plant’s skin. That’s what also makes them formidable and deadly, along with their quick snapping maws, sharp plant teeth and dextrous thorny vines which releases a paralyzing toxin when stung.
It was definitely the Venosious Heart Trap that had taken Liu Mingyan, he concludes. The little drops of blood, the signs of disappearing struggle. Liu Mingyan must have gotten caught by it’s sharp thorned vines, slowly poisoned until she was paralyzed. And he would bet, Liu Mingyan must be slowly getting digested in its Heart Shaped Maws right that moment. It was not clear if she was dead or still alive, but… General Liu would appreciate it if he at least had his daughter’s body to grieve.
So Luo Binghe hatches a plan. With his energy guns, he can shoot the Venosicou Heart Trap from a long distance, but the vines would attack him if he stayed at one place too long. It was a matter of wits and precision. If only he wasn’t alone on his expedition, two people can aim at different angles to distract the plant, but since he was alone, he had to rely on his abilities and the current items he had with him.
One item his Supervisor, ah, that’s something like a Shixiong in the Sect, or a Head disciple. Anyway, his Supervisor had given him some time ago was a little artificial intelligence robot. Ah— think of it as a golem with no emotions. This robot model is called Axiz. A relatively old model, but it was hailed as one of the best at its time. The special function of Axiz is it’s shooting capacity of 8 energy beams, compared to the standard 5 of the ordinary officers. Lou Binghe’s guns can hold 10 energy shots, by the way, and with Axiz’s capacity, he had 18 energy beams in total. However, in order to use Axiz, he needed complete concentration of his mind, a technique called "the force".
It may seem like an easy plan, but if he shoots one wrong energy beam, he might end up killing Liu Mingyan inside the Venoscious Heart Trap’s maws. And if the Heart Trap gets its vines on him, it’s all over, and he too will be disarmed and eaten.” He explains. “After setting-up, steeling his determination and gathering-up his courage. Our hero works his plan into action.
A shot from Axiz alerts the Heart Trap’s attention! It’s dextrous vines immediately shoot out as fast as the blast of energy itself. Luo Binghe pilots the robot to hide behind more stones, only for the vines to crawl behind the stone, darting around and attacking to feel the next movements in the air.
Luckily, Axiz is an object. Once it is no longer piloted, it remains at rest, unmoving. Hence, the plant cannot sense it. With another plan in mind, Luo Binghe decides to use Axiz to distract while he would get closer to the Venoscious Heart Trap to save Liu Mingyan. The plan works. Yet after every shot from Axiz, the Heart Trap shows more and more vines, slinking all around it, protecting the main body. The closer Lou Binghe was, the bigger the plant seemed to him. It was a large as his Space Cruiser, he thinks, If the Heart Plant were to Attack him while in it, the Heart Plant could swallow him in his Space Craft with no problem!
At the end of 5 shots, the Heart Trap had shown 17 Vines all around it, darting left to right, searching for the annoying creature that dares shoot at it! Truly a dangerous, vicious plant!”
“Well, don’t stop now! How does Luo Binghe beat that creature?! How does he save Liu Mingyan?! Do they become a couple?!” TianLang Jun was vibrating from his seat. Such a new concept, a different genre from what human culture he knew. Even Su Xiyan had never heard of this kind of setting before, but she was hiding her amusement better than the demon she is tied with.
“Ah, well, Luo Binghe does end up becoming the future Alliance Captain, so of course he would live. However, the food is now cooked and I personally believe it is not good to let the food wait.” To which TianLang Jun releases a very childish whine.
Mobei Jun takes this time to teleport himself beside his spy. “Shang DiShu.” He growls.
“Ah! My Prince! Fuck! You scared the life out of me!” Shang DiShu ends up saying, suddenly, Mobei Jun’s hand was wrapped around his neck, lifting him up a fair distance from the ground.
“Explain yourself. You leave me with Sha Hualing while you have the Demon Sovereign in your holding. Speak before I kill you right now.”
“M-My- Pr- Prince! -Can’t- brea-“ He chokes.
“Do you dare betray me, rat?” Mobei Jun throws his servant against a tree. The tree cracks from the force, and there was an audible snap from Shang DiShu. Still, he kneels and bows.
“No! I- I dare not betray you My Prince!” He says with a hoarse voice. “This- This servant… Does this for My Prince’s ben- benefit! The cultivators, are attacking the South! If- If they take the South, the North is next. If the c-current King of the north falls, you will become the next Mobei-jun! I- I present to you future allies! The Heavenly Blood of TianLang-jun will be beneficial for your future rule! I only aim to ensure your future! My King!!!”
Mobei Jun growls. Lands a kick on Shang DiShu’s side before he is satisfied. None the less, he grabs Shang DiShu by the scruff of his robes and sits him down on the tree stump he was sitting on previously.
“Emperor TianLang-jun.” Mobei Jun addresses the Demon Sovereign. “I am no fool. You are strong, you should not be simply held down by mere ropes. I apologize for my servant’s actions.”
“Prince Mobei. What a surprise. I didn’t think our kidnapper would be serving such a young master. He is quite a skilled storyteller.” TianLang-jun was still amused. “However, you have overestimated my abilities. Your spy had managed to seal my powers using whatever unknown item he carries. We are completely and utterly powerless in his grasp.” He explains.
Mobei Jun widens his eyes as he frowns down on Shang DiShu. “My Prince-“ he whimpers. Once again, hugging his thighs and bawling. A tactic he had used in the past. Mobei Jun takes away the stupid disguise to show the fairly young boy underneath. He was still older than Mobei Jun, but only by a few years, yet he was the one who always places himself below him and calls himself his servant. Such a shameless rat. — Who knew he had some decent skill, sealing Heavenly Demon powers.
He continues his pitiful groveling while the hostages take in the appearance of their captor for the first time. “Oh my, I don’t know if I should feel impressed or if I should be pissed off.” TianLang-jun comments. Su Xiyan must be sharing the same thought. They were both kidnapped and backed to a corner, by a kid.
A pathetic, whiney, pitiful cry baby that clings to the Mobei prince like a limpet.
Step 9. Make sure Mobei Jun doesn’t kill the precious hostages
“Ah! My Prince, please don’t kill them! They are insurance!!! For your future!!!”
“I do not need your intervention.” He growls. Shang DiShu gets on his knees and begs for his master to spare his hostages.
“But! Your Uncle! He is too strong for you to face right now! TianLang Jun is strong! He can face-off your uncle at present and win! You can rest easy and be safe until your inheritance!”
“My father would face my uncle’s murderers. My father would die by TianLang-jun’s hands.”
“Ahh!!! Then, we can get a favor! To guard you! To ensure your safety until you are the strongest!”
“I do not need protecting.”
“Of course, My Prince is strong, but I am not! I want you safe My Prince. Please! Let them be your allies!”
“I do not need a spy to make these decisions for me.”
“Then treat me as a friend!”
“I have no friends.”
Shang DiShu whines, “- My Prince!!!” He cries as he continues to grovel. And Sob. And Noisily Cry. Mobei Jun can only take so much until he is fed-up with it.
“Fine! Do what you want.” He kicks Shang DiShu one last time before he portals away from the noisy rat. Leaving the group, like nothing had happened, save for the now exposed kidnapper who was being scrutinized by his hostages.
“Uhhh, well, I guess, this means we get to keep our lives.” Even Shang DiShu sounds unsure.
It was Su Xiyan who asks, “Is that really your intention? Why you kidnapped us?”
“What? Ah,,, that. Well, partly a reason. I do want you guys to help my Prince in the future, but…What I want most to happen is to make sure you two get together.”
“And why is that?” TianLang-jun asked.
(Because the System would kill me if you don’t produce a Luo Binghe.)
“Uh, well. You wouldn’t believe me if I said it. Just know that you both are destined to meet and leave behind a person that could change the world.”
“And you want this person to guard your Prince?”
“Yes and no… There are some things that I cannot tell you, but if this person doesn’t… If you two were not to meet and get together, the balance of this world would shift, and this reality would deviate and crumble.” There was a heavy silence that ruined the peace. Until TianLang-jun asked a question.
“Are you- Are you like the ones in your stories… A planet traveler?”
An amused smile makes its way to Shang DiShu’s face. “Close. I am a world traveler. A Transmigrator, they call me.” And really, TianLang-jun was just exastic to know more.
Step 10. Let your Captives Go
After explaining everything, *cough* bullshitting*cough*, a close story to PIDW. He decides to let the two go and leave them to do whatever it is they want to do with their lives, after warning them of the Cultivation Sect’s plans and the Huan Hua Palace Master’s intentions towards Su Xiyan. The Demon Sovereign, and the Huan Hua Palace ex-head disciple, along with the still passed out Zhuzhi Lang.
“Oh wait, just, let me get this cooling charm off of him.”
The moment the cooling talisman is taken off, Zhuzhi Lang begins to stir.
“How did you do that?!” Su Xiyan asks, amazed.
“He’s a snake, well, part snake. I just thought he’d like to hibernate when it’s cold.”
“Oh, is this part of the other world knowledge you speak of?”
“Uh, yeah. Sure.”
“Amazing!” TianLang-jun praises. While Su Xiyan eyes the little spy more critically. There yet to be more to learn from this kid, she starts to think.
And after some last-minute reminders, they part ways. The system finally returning half the points he lost and returning the en-route mission of becoming An Ding Peak Head Disciple.
~ 0 ~
Years down the line, Luo Binghe arrives at Cang Qiong Mountain Sect. But turns down Shen Qingqiu’s invitation to Qing Jing Peak.
Feeling like the boy is suited for Bai Zhan, Liu Qingge invites him in. Then the boy also turns down the invitation to Bai Zhan.
Yue Qingyuan, thinking the boy wants to join his Qiong Ding Peak as a leader, also extends a hand for an invitation. Only for the boy to turn it down as well.
And for the boy to seek out Shang Qinghua, and begged to be an An Ding Peak disciple after Shang Qinghua turns him down, outright saying he has no talent suitable for An Ding. But after the boy begged some more, the reluctant Peak Lord took him in as an inner disciple.
Which earns him the ire of all the Peak Lords. As well as the peculiarity of the boy calling him Master World Traveler. Well, how does he explain this? — He’ll likely make stuff up too.
And years later, Mobei Jun, at the time of his inheritance, was being guarded by Shang Qinghua, now branded a traitor to Cang Qiong, and Luo Binghe, also exposed as Demon Prince Sovereign. And a particular new character he never made, Shen Yuan. Who later turns out to also be a World Traveler who was destined to bring out the potential and bring happiness to Luo Binghe.
And a System Story Arc called The World Traveler, which activates Xin Mo to travel to random dimensions, practically placing them in different AUs *cough*fanfics*cough*, which were read by the previously mentioned new character, Shen Yuan.
So now they travel through worlds *cough*AUs*cough* to change the more terribly written and left unfinished Fanfictions left to rot in the sub-space called The Internet!
The End!