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He had lost everything.
His beliefs about the Jedi were nothing but empty feelings now. They had destroyed their perspective, their faith in them, in the Temple and in the Republic; they were no more than simple servants of corrupt politicians who were only interested in their own welfare, putting at risk the lives of many young Jedi and respected Masters, who gave their best effort to protect them without asking anything in return.
All of the High Jedi Council were nothing but hypocrites. Saying that they think about the welfare of every living being in the galaxy, but that they do not hesitate for a second to send the Jedi to dangerous places where they can meet death.
"There is no death, there is the Force."
Lies.
There is no peace, and they knew it well. If there is no death and there is only the Force, then why is it a huge problem to have a large number of Force-sensitive people killed?
Dooku was not sure when he began to feel hatred for the decisions of the Jedi Council. Perhaps after some missions he was not involved in, but he knew that many young knights were, and that possibly among them was young Qui-Gon Jinn, his former Padawan.
Oh, just the thought of the possibility of the boy being harmed gave him a great deal of powerlessness. And he knew that this was inappropriate, but he could not control those emotions no matter how hard he tried to release that restlessness in the Force.
He had always had differences with Jinn. The young man had a tendency to worry about the slightest form of life, and it's not as if Dooku didn't care, but he thought that his Padawan should reorganize his priorities: get out alive and complete his missions.
If anyone was affected, it was only collateral damage. There were many situations where no one could intervene, but the teenager was always very stubborn. Even as a young adult, a few years old since he was promoted to Jedi Knight, that hadn't changed.
But he was still alive, and that was the only thing that Count Dooku was interested in. He wanted him to be okay, although he was in doubt whether Jinn had ever noticed that.
Dooku was always known for being strict and demanding, with an unwavering countenance and the seriousness that made others respect him. Qui-Gon was one of those who respected him a lot, but he was also the only one who had the guts to openly contradict him when something happened that was not in his principles.
In the beginning this only irritated him; Jinn was only a twelve year old boy and Dooku was only ten years older, dealing with an apprentice was not easy, much less one who was very connected to the Living Force and had other beliefs.
But as the years went by, even though the sermons were still present, Dooku listened in silence to all that Jinn had to say. And on many occasions, the young one was right, but the Code did not agree with that and for that reason he had to rebuke him.
How ironic of him, to complain but be just as hypocritical as the others when the truth was always before his eyes. But in the past he had so much respect for the Code he believed in that he decided to keep that blindfold on himself instead of accepting that he was wrong.
The drop that filled the glass was when little Feemor was left in his care because Qui-Gon was on an important mission, and when he returned, he could hardly move from the pain. He was entirely wounded, and most of his companions in that battle had lost their lives; they had fallen in a trap, and Jinn almost did not return to the Temple because of the seriousness of the situation.
Chancellor Palpatine had told him many times that this could happen, he had told him that one day they would only harm what he appreciated most, and indeed, it took him a long time to understand, but one day he ended up accepting that Qui-Gon Jinn was the only person he cared about in the whole galaxy.
The silent anger that Dooku retained all those years manifested itself. Although many thoughts were not on the list of "his principles", he really wanted to destroy everything in his path, taking Jinn and his little Padawan so he wouldn't look back.
Once Jinn recovered, Dooku had no more reason to stay, so he went to his quarters to pack his bags. Every move he made, every thing he withdrew, was filled with pain and anger, with hatred against those in charge in the Temple; he also knew he should not have such feelings but it was too late.
He no longer had reason to change his mind; Qui-Gon was no longer his Padawan, the young man was busy with his own affairs and with his own apprentice. And even if Dooku retired and told Jinn that all those years by his side, when he grew older, he began to create feelings he shouldn't have, to create an emotional attachment to him, he knew Jinn would have a negative response.
Qui-Gon wasn't even that interested in the Code; he followed what the Force told him was right, so sometimes he agreed and sometimes he didn't. And for that reason he knew it wasn't a problem for him to have romantic feelings for someone else, but would Dooku be so deluded into believing that there was ever, ever a chance that Jinn would feel something like that for him?
No, of course not.
He knew that Jinn's heart belonged to young Tahl, and at first he couldn't help but feel envious of her. But it made sense after all; Dooku was still young, but sure it was impossible for Qui-Gon to notice a man like his old Master, especially when the differences between them were much more noticeable than they were with Tahl Uvain.
For that reason he was surprised when Qui-Gon appeared in front of the ship he would use to return to Serenno. He was waiting for him there, in front of the door that allowed him to enter.
Dooku remained calm and serious as usual. He asked what Jinn was doing there, and the young man answered that he wanted to at least try to stop him. At first this only touched him silently, but after a few exchanges of opinions, anger flooded Dooku's mind again, and that talk ended up becoming an argument.
And although Dooku intended to keep arguing to try and talk some sense into his former Padawan, the words were trapped in his mouth when he saw fear marked on Jinn's face and eyes.
"Go away, Master." He finally said with some coldness, pressing his lips firmly so that it would not be noticed that the lower one was shaking. "Go on with your plans to return to Serenno, I think that my intention to stop you was in vain."
Qui-Gon turned around and went back the way he came without looking back. Dooku wanted to stop him but things had become so tense that it would only make it worse.
Upon entering the ship, traveling through hyperspace and then setting the flight course to automatic, he decided to wash his face in the bathroom the ship possessed. He needed to clear his mind and be cool or he would do something inappropriate, and he didn't like that possibility.
Once the former Jedi Master saw himself in the mirror, he understood why Jinn made that expression. His dark eyes were now shining with an intense golden hue, the color of the Sith; he would never forget the disappointment and fear that were in the face of his former Padawan.
He had lost everything.
His beliefs about the Jedi, his faith in the Republic and now Qui-Gon.
( • • • )
Some years went by until he saw Jinn again, fighting in Geonosis and in the beginning of the Clone Wars; he was acting selflessly but he couldn't stop worrying about him anyway.
All that was prepared for years but that problem was seriously unleashed when his former Padawan found Kamino.
Maybe he hadn't lost him forever.
Had that been the case, Qui-Gon would have told the High Council what he had seen on the launch pad that day; he would have said that he had seen the eyes of a man lost in darkness.
But he did not. And he was under that impression because they never went to look for him; no order was ever given to stop him. It took them a long time to realize that he was the one behind the whole separatist crisis.
But he was still at a disadvantage.
If Qui-Gon had been afraid of him before, now he could expect nothing but revulsion or disdain; the thought that Jinn might look at him in that way made him nauseous. He had fallen so deeply that he felt there was no return; but he was doing all this for the true good of the Republic, because a new order, a new policy of command had to be imposed.
He hoped that at some point Qui-Gon would be able to understand that, but too much time had passed for that possibility to still be present.
And now there he was again, Qui-Gon standing before him, preventing his exit from that vast cavern. His brown hair was short at his shoulders, the locks of his sides tied back in what he thought was a braid, although some unruly hair fell on his face and looked good with the serious expression he possessed.
Little pearly drops of sweat adorned his forehead, his breath was calm but he knew that the child had made too much effort to get there. His war suit, white with shining green reliefs, was stained with dust and some burns, but still was in good condition.
And his eyes, cold as ice, blue as a deep endless ocean; Qui-Gon Jinn was always perfect before his eyes although he never admitted it, and there was no better image of that than this moment.
"Have you come to finally kill your old Master?" Dooku asked with some amusement, crossing his arms as he saw that there was no sign of hostility from Jinn. He even had his lightsaber hooked to his belt, and that was what attracted his attention apart from the features of the young adult.
"Do you really want it to end that way?" Qui-Gon asked instead, taking slow steps into the cave to meet his former Master.
"What else would you be doing here if not for that, Qui-Gon," he asked, imitating the action of his former Padawan to stand in front of him.
And when it happened, they were only a few inches away from each other. Qui-Gon was no longer that little boy who snooped around and questioned everything; he was a man, someone who was even at the same height as him. Dooku did his best to stay strong; he always thought that weaknesses were a big problem, and he could confirm that since with Jinn in front of him he could not think clearly.
There were several seconds of silence until Qui-Gon took his hand slowly, raising it to chest height, holding it with both hands. The older man looked at everything attentively; the situation reminded him of those times he taught etiquette to the younger man. Of those times he taught him how to greet the nobles, and how to dance at formal parties where they would have to attend, given the fact that Dooku was also a nobleman and that for the High Council was convenient.
Those times he took his hand in the same way, but he did not have any feeling.
And of those other times where the situation had changed, where his Padawan was already a young adult, and a simple touch of Jinn's hand was more than enough to make him shudder.
"Please stop this..." Qui-Gon asked in a whisper, looking again into the eyes of his former Master, staring at those orbs that were now dark again, but that had little amber tints.
"Jinn." Dooku called, looking down again as the younger one continued to raise his hand to the height of his face. "It's too late now, you know..."
His breathing slowed, he could not continue with what he had to say because Qui-Gon put the palm of his hand against his cheek. The youngest closed his eyelids, feeling the warm touch of the hand he held to his face; Dooku did not even move, he was so engrossed in that peaceful image that he did not intend it to end.
He even gave a gentle caress to his skin with his thumb, feeling the beard that the younger man had grown over time. Qui-Gon slowly opened his eyes, meeting the Count's gaze again.
"I know this will sound strange, but... Come with me." He whispered again, determined. "End the War, let's put this behind us and go away. Feemor is ready to become a knight, he just has to pass the trials; after that, if you are willing, we can..."
Another interruption, this time from Dooku.
Jinn's words were proof enough to make him believe he still had a chance. So he held his face with both hands and decided to start a kiss, weak, worried that Qui-Gon didn't intend for things to go that way anyway.
But instead, Jinn gave in to that show of affection, reciprocated the kiss firmly, and then Dooku finally understood that the only place he felt good and safe was next to his former Padawan, his Qui-Gon.
And that if he was by his side, he no longer needed to continue with everything that had taken him away from the younger one.