Work Text:
Azula wasn’t exactly happy when they told her she could return to the palace.
Well, yes, she was happy to get out of the stuffy mental asylum full of criticizing eyes and stereotypical nurses. But the palace? Where Zuko, the same brother she’d tried to murder more then once, was staying? No thanks.
The therapy had helped, for sure. And in the past few weeks she had begun to realize just how wrong Ozai’s actions had been, and how he’d led her to believe she was always right. She had begun to feel empathy for her brother. It was a foreign feeling. She wasn’t sure she liked it.
But whatever the case, they deemed her well enough and compassionate enough to be able to return to her childhood home without being a threat to anyone’s life. And two years ago, the mere idea of that would’ve marked her as a disgrace in her fathers eyes. The realization made the fire inside of her explode into a million embers. She was going home because she had managed to go against everything in her life that was ever considered an act of greatness or her duty. It took a long time for her to be able to relearn the fourteen years of her life, the right way this time. But she did it. And that’s why she found herself standing in her old room with a sense of dread gnawing at her heart.
Zuko wouldn’t forgive her. She knew that much. Frankly, she still hadn’t forgiven herself, because even a year of therapy wasn’t enough to erase the torture she’d gone through to stay on top. To stay dad's favorite. How do you start over when your only way of life is corrupt and evil?
A palace guard stood outside the open doors. “Miss Azula, your presence has been requested in the war room. There is a meeting that requires your intellectual abilities.”
Miss Azula. Since she’d arrived at the palace, everyone had called her Miss. Not firelord, not even princess. It took everything she had not to snap at every servant who uttered that single, disgusting word at her. She remembered what her therapist had told her. Whatever makes you angry, imagine grabbing it and throwing it to the wind. Left in its place is a way to handle the situation without harming anyone.
“Why am I requested? I have no title. I’m a disgrace to the fire nation.”
The guard just cleared his throat before answering. “Many in the palace don’t have a title and are still requested to help in meetings due to their talents, Miss. You are one of such people.”
Reduced to a mere servant. Treated like a guest wandering the halls of her own home. Lost. Confused. Crazy.
“Hmm. Very well. Show me to the war room.”
“Right this way, Miss.”
Grab it, throw it to the wind. Azula watched as her new title, the single demeaning word, fluttered in the imaginary breeze and disappeared from her mind.
The guard led her to the war room, even though she’d known its location since she was a mere toddler, and pulled open the doors for her. She stepped inside and the guard bowed. “Your sister, as you requested, Firelord Zuko.”
Wait. Had Zuko asked for her to come? Was he really going to forgive her not five minutes after she’d reentered the palace? Or was he really just in need of her military prowess?
“Thank you, Kuzon.” Azula almost scoffed. The firelord, leader of an entire nation, taking the time to learn his servant’s names.
Anytime you feel negative towards Zuko just because he’s not your father, think about this. Would Zuko ever lay a hand on you with the intent of hurting you? No. So why would he ridicule innocent people like you expect him to? Respect his decisions, as long as they are the right ones.
Right. She had to remember to be kind and thoughtful, or else they would tear her out of her home and back to be “fixed.”
“Azula, there’s an open seat across from me. Would you mind helping the generals as they find the best way to get around Ba Sing Se?” Zuko looked up at his sister with a careful glance, something like fear hidden deep in his eyes. Azula has always been good at reading people. And before she’d been taken away by her own guards, she would’ve loved, even craved, seeing someone afraid of her even a year after she’d nearly killed them. But then, it just made her sad. What a strange thing, love is.
And Zuko didn’t sound like himself. He sounded tired, in pain. But maybe that was because she had only heard him speak from outside her room door for the past eleven months.
“Gladly.” She took her seat and resisted the urge to shoot a cool glare at her brother. He was the firelord, giving him rude glances would be unacceptable. I know the one and outs of the city, and you should be able to get through it and take out the citizens quickly if you—” Azula froze and looked up at the generals, who seemed to have a mix of emotions. Some looked fearful, others confused, and a small smattering downright amused. She took a grounding breath. “My apologies. I forgot the war had ended for a moment. But Ba Sing Se is a large city. Going around would take days, maybe weeks. The quicker option would be to march through the city or take the trains through the rings, as long as the citizens don’t attack.”
The meeting went on with Azula trying to convince her poisoned mind that the war was over. This wasn’t Ozai asking her how to best siege the last Earth Kingdom city, it was Zuko asking her how best to get through Ba Sing Se without harming anyone. And it was hard. It was so hard to convince herself she wasn’t in the past.
After the meeting, she stood and began towards the exit. But a few steps away from the doors, she froze. Zuko had invited her, after all. She should leave her thanks. It would be impolite not to.
So she turned to her brother, who was still on the floor with his head in his hands, and took a deep breath. “Thank you, Zuko. I enjoyed being able to help my nation again.”
Her brother startled and looked up at her with his mismatched eyes. The second his gaze met hers, he flinched, and Azula’s nails dig into her palm. He was still afraid of her. Why was some part of her sparked wh joy after learning that fact? Maybe she was still a monster. But the joy was quickly overpowered by guilt, so maybe not.
“Oh, uh...you’re welcome.” Zuko stood from his spit at the table and immediately swayed on his feet.
Azula wasn’t an idiot. Her brother had always been too stubborn to admit he was hurt, even going so far as to nurse a broken arm by himself because he didn’t want to tell Ozai he’d fallen out of a tree. So when Zuko advanced towards her, she noticed something was off. His eyes were glazed over, footsteps wobbly, hands shaky.
Then, just as she’d suspected, his eyes rolled back in his head just as he was about to pass by his sister. Azula caught him as he slumped forward, and she sighed.
“Oh, Zuzu,” Azula stared down at the limp body of her brother lying in her arms, “when will you ever learn to listen?”
Because Zuko never listened. That was his problem. He didn’t listen when people told him to eat and sleep more so he wouldn’t get sick, not when he was told to keep quiet and respectful, not when was told simply not to betray his family. Zuko never listened. But the problem with Azula was that she always listened, and analyzed, and took everything so literally that she was a traitor to her own brother. It had taken her years to realize she was wrong.
It had taken her years to come to terms with the fact that she was a monster. So how, she wondered, did she have the mental capacity to realize her brother wasn’t okay? The empathy to catch him instead of letting him fall? How could she do that when she was still just a little estranged monster?
She closed her eyes. Swallowed hard.
And Azula began to cry.
Not because of her Zuzu, who didn’t even have the time to say much to her for the first time in months before he passed out, thought that was part of it. She cried because she was finally better than before. Because before, she didn’t matter. Before, she was hated and feared. She wouldn’t be that way anymore.
Not if she could help it.
…
Azula called a guard moments after Zuko's collapse, and they carried him to his room. The physician informed her that he just had a stress-induced fever, which seemed to be a normality for the new firelord. Every servant seemed to be so nonchalant about it, and Azula was good at making assumptions.
She hadn’t left his side. Whether it was because of her own conscience or the hallucinations of Ursa watching her from behind didn’t matter.
“S...sok-ka. Sokka--no!” Zuko twisted and turned in his feverish sleep. It wasn’t the first time Azula's brother had mentioned his boyfriend. He also yelled about Katara, Toph, Aang, Suki. Whoever they were. But what pained Azula the most was when he yelled her name, and not in fear. In anger, disgust. Even after her transformation, he still hated her. Granted, they hadn’t been able to speak since she arrived at the palace, but it still hurt.
“Azula,” Her mother spoke. “You’re a good sister for watching him.”
Go away, please. She thought. Her therapist thought Azula had gotten rid of the hallucinations of her mother, but that was just another lie so she could get out of there sooner. That just made her feel worse.
“I’m watching him because he’s sick, mother. If he can’t go to meetings I have to know so I can step in for him. Leave me alone.”
“But is that the reason?”
“I made it clear that I don’t want you here.” Azula watched in fear as the ghost of her mother appeared across from Azula, on the other side of Zuzu’s bed.
“Don’t push me away, Azula. I know you miss me. I know you miss being part of a family. And you are trying to be better, so I don’t see why you don’t want me here with you.”
“Because you make me feel insane all over again.” Azula watched Zuzu’s face as it twisted in agony. And Agni, if she didn’t want to just hug him until he stopped twitching in fear. That thought scared her more than a ghost haunting her.
“You never were insane. You just needed some time to reinvent yourself, and I was here to help you do that.”
“Then why are you still here!? You said it yourself, I’m better. So let me be normal. Please.” She hated the pleas laced in her words. She was just a scared little girl again who didn’t want her mommy to see the true side of her. The one that hadn’t fully transformed yet. The part that kept forcing intrusive thoughts into her mind.
“I said you’re getting better. You still have a while to go, my dear.”
That’s when Zuzu reached out blindly and grabbed his sister’s hand. Her breath caught in her throat, but she found it was comforting to know her brother was there and alive. She squeezed his fingers and whispered, “You’re not alone.”
He made a small sound and then his good eye began to open. He looked at Azula and smiled. “You n’vr used to hold my hand.”
“Things have changed.” Azula responded. She idly wondered if Zuzu was awake or if he was still lucidly dreaming.
“Mm. Yeah.” He closed his eyes again and turned on his side so he was facing her. She noticed how he was sleeping with his scar facing the ceiling, which he never did before. Unless he was with his friends. (Azula noticed things when she attacked them, and when he slept outside her window just to let her know he was there. And she was grateful when he did that, because her room felt a little less cold.)
He grabbed her hand tighter and the ghost of a smile danced on his face. “‘Zula?”
“Yes?”
“Missed you.”
I missed you too. I love you. I’m sorry I was such a horrible, horrible sister.
“I know.”
At some point, the doctors had stripped Zuzu of his firelord regalia, so he only wore his thin robes. Azula's eye caught on the thick red scar peeking out from the gold-lined clothing.
“I’m sorry about the lightning. I truly have changed.”
“I know, ‘zula. Doesn’t stop it fr’m hurting though.”
She felt the tears gathering again, but pushed them back. Her therapist had said crying was okay, but Ozai had pounded it into her that crying was a weakness. It made her vulnerable. And old habits die hard.
“I know I was horrible. You don’t have to forgive me. But I want you to know that I’ll always be here to protect you.”
Ursa smiled at Azula. Azula ignored her.
“Wanna forgive you. Not yet.”
“That’s okay, Zu. That’s okay.”
The sunrise was a deep red the next morning, filled with promises of hope and new life. Zuko squeezed Azula's hand as they stared out the window at the beginning of a new chapter.