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Every time Zuko closed his eyes, lightning flashed. The blue arcs of crackling electricity had been burned into the back of his eyelids that day, until memories forced their way into his brain every time he sat down to think. And it didn’t exactly make it better when Azula came back to the palace.
Sure, he loved her, but it was just so, so hard sometimes.
Her face came into view and suddenly, he was thirteen again with the fear of Agni instilled into his heart. Every step she took, he knew she was coming towards him with her terrifying blue fire, ready to hurt him again and again until she got what she wanted. It was beyond difficult to hold back the flinches when he heard her cold voice. But if she wanted him dead, he’d be dead. Azula liked to remind him of that a lot.
That didn’t make it any easier.
“Hey Zuzu, I was wondering if you’d show me where Mai and Ty Lee are staying.”
Zuko jerked in his bed and sat straight up, staring at the shadow in his doorway. “Holy shit Azula, why would you do that!? And how did you get past the guards? It’s the middle of the night!”
She waved away the question. “Yes, and I was curious. If you didn’t want me to visit then you wouldn’t be awake.”
Back at it again with the if, then. If mom wanted to protect us then she wouldn’t have left. If Dad has escaped from prison then you wouldn’t be alive right now. If I wanted to hurt you, then I would. It was almost like she wanted him to fear her more than forgive her. If that was the case, it was working.
He groaned and rubbed at his eyes. The only reason he was awake was because she was in the palace, that much was right. But it didn’t mean he wanted her to march into his room halfway to morning and demand to see her friends. . Who, by the way, hadn’t wanted to see Azula since she had mentally abused them their whole lives and left them to rot in prison while she became firelord.
“Tui and La, can you just wait until morning? They're asleep now, too.”
Azula wrinkled her nose in disgust. “‘Tui and La’...you’ve been hanging out with those water tribe p—friends of yours too much.”
Zuko felt an unpleasant heat rise in his chest. Peasants. She was going to say peasants. Even after a year, she never really changed. The only good thing about her was that she wasn’t trying to attack him every few minutes. Well, that and the fact that she’d helped him when she was sick and tried her best to be polite. Agni, everything was just so much weirder with her around.
“Yeah, well, at least they want to see me. Mai and Ty Lee haven't exactly missed you lately.” As soon as the words left Zuko’s mouth, he regretted them. Azula’s eyes went wide, and if he squinted, her lower lip was trembling. Oh fuck. A crying Azula wasn’t something he was sure he could handle. And something in his chest just fell at the sight. “I didn’t mean that. Please don’t tell dad.”
His sister’s eyes went wide, and she came closer to the bed. He found his flinches even harder to control. And then he’d realized what he said, and why it made Azula so scared. “Zuzu. Dad’s in prison, remember? He can’t hurt you anymore.”
“Sorry. It just...slips my mind sometimes.”
She looked at him sadly, and Agni did he hate when she did that. It usually meant he was hurt or confused. He hated when she looked at him like that because it made him feel like a dumb little kid again.
“Go to sleep, Azula. I’ll help you find your friends in the morning.”
“Okay.”
The fact that she didn’t put up a fight should’ve helped in Zuko’s journey to forgive her.
He was a little scared when it didn’t.
…
“Sometimes I think that she loves me. Other times I know for a fact that she’s still in the state of mind Ozai left her in.” Zuko sighed and ran his hands over his face. “I just wish I had a sister like Katara.”
Sokka placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled. “Really? Katara? You must be desperate.”
“I am pretty desperate, considering the fact that my sister has tried to kill me more than once.” Zuko managed a small laugh. “But Katara’s kind, and she really cares about you. Even if she can be annoying sometimes.”
“I know. She’s pretty great, especially compared to,” Sokka lowered his voice to a comical stage whisper, “Azula.”
Zuko smiled again. He never used to smile much before Sokka came into his life and changed everything. It was almost funny how fast Zuko had fallen for the other boy, and how fast Sokka had admitted his feelings, too. The fire nation was a little surprised when they announced that they were dating, but got used to it. And it hurt a lot when Zuko’s own sister called his boyfriend a peasant.
So, first thing in the morning, Zuko had shown Azula to Mai and Ty Lee’s rooms. When he’d left, she just sat by the doors, as if she was too scared to go in. Maybe she was. He couldn’t really blame her. Then, as soon as Sokka woke up, they went to the kitchen to steal some breakfast, and ended up sitting by the turtleduck pond in the afternoon sun.
“She’s better. And she’s trying so hard to be kinder, I can see it. That’s why I feel bad that it’s so hard to forgive her.”
“You shouldn’t feel bad. You shouldn’t even have to forgive her, and it means a lot that you are. She hurt you, Zuko. That doesn’t just go away once she apologizes.” Sokka’s eyes were sad, even as he smiled.
“I know.”
Maniacal laughter from across the courtyard. Her golden eyes shifting just a bit to her left until he knew what she was about to do. The overwhelming panic that seized his heart as icy blue lightning flew from her slender fingers.
“She didn’t try to stop Dad in the Agni Kai, she just watched. She smiled and laughed at me when she first came to the infirmary. And when we were younger, she pushed me out of trees and into the pond and even once brought my own knife to my throat. Then she tracked me around the world, imprisoned me under Ba Sing Se, attacked me, and shot me full of lightning. But she just acts like none of that even happened.” Zuko looked down at his hands, the way they trembled. He couldn’t think about this. It made him vulnerable.
“Your brother says his punishment is unjust. Do you agree, my daughter?” Ozai’s voice sounded muffled from outside the door. Zuko strained his one ear to hear Azula’s answer.
And of course she answered the way she did, because otherwise she would get the same punishment as her brother. But she hesitated for only half a second before her timid voice sounded again, “Yes, Father. You taught him respect.”
“Very well. At least I know I can trust you, my Azula. Now, go say goodbye to your traitor of a brother.”
She’d come in and held his hand and sniffled before yanking away and showing utter delight. The laughter was just a show. He knew because afterwards, she whispered, almost too quiet to hear, “I’m so sorry, Zuzu.”
“But she did a few good things.” Zuko whispered.
Zuko startled when he realized Sokka’s arms were around him. He hugged back and settled into his boyfriend’s warm embrace. The soft moment was shattered when Sokka whispered, “My dad sent me a messenger hawk.”
The firelord’s back went rigid. He knew what was coming, he just wished it didn’t have to. “And?”
“He asked me to come home. Start training to be chief. And I…” He took a shaky breath. “I told him I would.”
Zuko’s breath hitched as he disentangled himself from his boyfriend’s arms. “I get it. This isn’t your home, and you need to leave.”
“Yeah, but I’m visiting every three months. After all, a chief has to make amends with the rest of the nations.”
Zuko smiled as his hair was ruffled affectionately. “Those will be an interesting few visits. But I’ll write you every day, you know.”
“Yeah. If you don’t, I’ll personally fly here on Appa and beat your ass.”
They stayed like that, leaned against each other and staring at the glimmering pond, for hours.
…
“How’d it go?” Zuko asked his sister as she slumped into his room while the sun sank over the horizon.
“Fine.” The venom in her voice was evident. “Oh, just dandy. Ty Lee gave me a hug and Mai cussed me out in front of half the servants in the palace.” She scowled. “At least someone’s happy to see me.”
Zuko studied her face. He’d never seen her so enraged, except for when Katara had chained her to the ground during Sozin’s Comet. And that had been when an enhanced firebender lost an Agni Kai to what Azula called ‘a filthy peasant.’ So how could a few of Mai’s words force Azula to this state of mind?
“It’s been a long time, and you did some pretty horrible things to them. They might not be able to forgive you for a while, so you just have to wait for when they can.”
She sniffed. “Yeah.”
”I’m so sorry, Zuzu.”
“Thank you, Zuko.”
“I’ve changed.”
“Do you maybe want to…” He didn’t exactly know how to finish the sentence. How do you ask your homicidal, anger-fueled sister if she wants to hug you? How do you except her to wrap her arms around you and not try to choke you to death? So instead of finishing the words, he stood from his bed. And before he could think, his arms were wrapped around his sister.
Her hands slowly and jerkily moved around him. She seemed rigid, out of place. Zuko could understand that. They had gone through the same transformation, only Azula was still going through it. He wanted to be there for her like his friends had been.
She pressed her face into his shoulder and began sobbing. He felt tears drip from his own eyes as he squeezed her tighter in the light of the dying sun. “It’s okay. You’ll be okay.”
He ran a hand through her dark hair and smiled. Maybe it wouldn’t be okay. But spirits be damned if he wasn’t there for her every step of the way.