Chapter Text
Felix's point of view
Felix couldn't say he had always been good at hiding what he was feeling, it was something that came through time and practice. he had moved into a dormitory with 7 other boys around his age this summer when he moved to college two hours from his childhood town.
at first he didn't think of getting close to the others, but as they started to unravel their personalities he couldn't help wanting to get to know them, at least a little bit more than awkward hello's and smiles in the elevator at various hours of the day when they happened to go into it at the same time. he couldn't risk getting close to someone though, because he knew it would be all too much for him. although it would prove to not be that easy
-
Felix woke up that morning feeling absolutely drained, he knew it was gonna be one of those days as soon as he opened his eyes. "it's fine, you just need to get through today and you can go back into bed" he thought. he looked up to the window and saw white snow falling down, some landing on the branches of the giant tree which was lit up by a streetlamp right outside, painting it beautifully in the colors of winter. he tried reminding himself of the beauty of the first snow day this year, although it had come early. it was only the 15th of November and he had expected a couple more weeks. he allowed himself to lay there for a few more minutes, it was still dark outside but he knew if he didn't start pushing himself now it would only be harder.
he managed to get himself sitting up, putting on a pair of loose jeans and socks with stars and constellations on them. he then grabbed a dark green wool sweater on his way out, trying hard not to wake his still sleeping roommate Jeongin up. as he closed the door he took a quick look at the clock on his nightstand which read 04:56 am
-
he pulled the sweater over his head and stuck his arms through, grabbed his box of cigarettes and lighter and headed outside as quietly as possible after putting on black shoes, not bothering to tie them up.
as soon as he got out he leaned against the wall of the dormitory and pulled a cigarette out, lighting it up and taking a long breath in before releasing the smoke out into the cold air.
"you're only 19 aren't you?" a voice said from his right and he almost dropped his cigarette, it was one of the boys he shared a dorm with, Minho. he hadn't talked much to him, but he knew he was two years older than him and studied dance at the same college Felix went to.
he was so lost in thought he almost forgot to answer his question
"yeah" he said, exhaling another breath of smoke
"why are you destroying your lungs like that then?" he said, pulling out his own cigarette from a box of marlboro golds. "can I have a light?" he then asked
"you aren't that much older than me you know" he replied and handed him his black lighter.
a smirk spread across Minho's face as his took the lighter to his cigarette and lit it before handing it back.
"so you study philosophy?" he then asked
"no, I study art, why did you think I studied philosophy?"
"just thought since you're always in your own thoughts and look like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, seriously though, are you doing alright?"
and for some reason Felix felt like breaking apart and spilling all his thoughts and emotions to this almost stranger, but he didn't.
"yeah, just a bit stressed with school is all"
he didn't think to ask Minho why he too was up so early in the morning
-
the next time he spoke to Minho was two weeks later at a party in their dorm building two stories down from where he stayed, one of the more energetic and extroverted souls that lived in the room next to his had managed to drag him and Jeongin along with him to the party
he sat awkwardly on some couch with weird stains on it sipping his slightly alcoholic punch Jisung had handed him before running off to chat to his friends, dragging Jeongin along with him, noting how he was so innocent and needed to be watched at all times, Jeongin had given Felix a smile that read "help me." before he disappeared into the crowd of college students.
he looked around the room, considering just leaving and going to buy a new pack of cigarettes, but as he got up he spotted Minho through the window sitting alone outside on the balcony with a stick of nicotine hanging from his lips.
and Felix thought he might as well, seeing as they had that conversation at 5 in the morning. and there was something about how he looked deeply into the darkness of the wintery landscape outside that made him want to get to know the boy more, nothing more than that.
so he opened the door to the balcony after putting down his red cup of disgusting liquid and turned around to close it, and when he turned back Minho was looking at him with an expression that read suprise and confusion
"is there something on my face?" he asked
"no, just didn't take you for a party type of guy, glad to see you here though"
"yeah me neither, but Jisung dragged me and Jeongin along with him. what about you? didn't exactly take you for a party guy either"
"Hyunjin really wanted me to come, even made me put of one of his fancy shirts after insulting my style of clothes" Minho said pointing to his black fully buttoned up shirt, Felix thought it would look better with a couple buttons undone and so in his tipsy state he reached over and unbuttoned two of them
"now it looks fancier" he then stated, too intoxicated to be embarrassed about what he just did
he thought he could see Minho's face grow slightly redder before telling him "well you're the art student, you know best" and he went to pull out two cigarettes, putting one in his mouth and handing the other to Felix
"you look like you need one" he added
Felix let out a laugh, "yeah I was just about to leave to get a new pack before I spotted you, thanks" he replied, pushing his head towards Minhos lighter until smoke came out in a little cloud from the end of the stick.
Felix found himself growing to like Minho's personality more and more after a few run ins to eachother in the dorm or right outside of it, he didn't feel drained from his presence and so there was no way he could say no when Minho refused to tell him where they were going and only that it was a suprise
he followed him up the stairs for three stories til they reached the highest one and then Minho pointed to a ladder leading up to the roof
"it can be our new smoking spot!" he said with a smile spead across his face
"is it open??" Felix asked
"yeah! c'mon let's go!" he said almost jumping around with joy
"alright" he said and returned the smile before climbing up the ladder and pushing open the lid thing before climbing on to the roof
there was about 5 meters each way surrounded by a small type of fence before the roof went sideways down
"are you coming?" he asked Minho, looking down and reaching his hand out to his
"yeah of course" he said, grabbing a hold of Felix's hand and slowly getting up, not letting go of his hand even when he closed the lid.
he thought Minho looked a bit pale
"you okay?" he asked, before adding "wait, you're scared of heights aren't you?"
"a little bit?" he replied moving closer to Felix
"and so you thought it would be a good idea to go sit on the roof of a 8 story building?"
"I thought it would be okay if I was with someone, and I mean.. it's not that bad" but he could feel the way his hand was shaking
"I'll keep you safe, don't worry" he told him and he could feel Minho relax more
that was only the first night they spent up on the roof together, and Felix even found himself wandering back to the roof alonewhenever he felt like he needed to feel.
although his pain didn't make itself known when he was with Minho it certainly didn't stop it from returning the second he sat down on his bed at night.
it must have been around mid december one night when Felix found himself back on the roof alone, having been here earlier with Minho before he had to go to dance practice with Hyunjin and Jisung.
he looked up at the stars and felt the deep pain return to his chest. as the days had gotten darker and longer Felix found it harder and harder to keep up his walls, especially around Minho as they were now spending a lot of time together.
he desperately wanted the feeling to go away,he didn't understand why he was in so much pain when school was going alright and he had an okay social life and he had Minho to talk to and smoke with
he had everything he thought he needed to be happy, so why wasn't he?
he layed down on the cold roof with full view of the stars, they were so clear today, something that normally would ease the feeling of numbness but today it just amplified it.
"what's the point if one day I'll just end up being nothing at all" he whispered out into the cold air, feeling inevitable tears pricking up in his eyes and rolling down the side of his face, some uncomfortably rolling into his ears. but it didn't matter, nothing did.
and he fell completely into the darkness of his mind
Minho's point of view
Minho had come to college to dance, how could he not? he had been dancing since he was 4 years old and it was his greatest passion. it seemed to take away any pain, just as the cigarettes did, but dancing always helped more. he had started to smoke when he was 17 after trying one from his friend Changbin, the first time he took a drag he choked on the smoke and coughed his lungs out for a solid three minutes and didn't understand how anyone could want to ever do this to themselves. but after time he found himself craving how new it made him feel. he knew very well how damaging the smoke was to his lungs and body in general, he knew how Hyunjin had seemed to pick up on the smell as he started doing it more regularly, he knew how his mother would be so disappointed if she knew he was doing this to himself- but maybe that was what made it so tempting to continue. he loved how after a couple cigarettes his throat would feel raw and raspy, but it was different and new and it distracted him from the pain that swallowed up his heart after his father passed away in a car accident just after he turned 17.
at first he had cried, he had cried for a solid two weeks and locked himself in his room. he didn't care about anyone else, he was hurting.
but he soon realized when the two weeks had passed that he was getting nowhere, and that the pain didn't stop no matter how many tears he shed.
so he just kept it inside, and returned to school and to dance practice to a concerned Hyunjin. he had promised Hyunjin that he was okay, and that was it. even if it was a lie
when he came to college he shared a room with him, he thought he would be content with just talking to him through the year as they shared all classes except for history and went to dance classes together.
and then one night he woke up drenched in sweat and short of breath after a nightmare about his fathers death, he then proceeded to stumble his way to the bathroom feeling like someone was choking him before throwing off his clothes into a pile and turning the shower on a cold setting before letting himself fully panic.
he tried taking deep breaths as the cold water constantly hit him in the back keeping him grounded, although it took at least twenty minutes before he was calm enough to step out of the shower and cover himself in a towel before tiredly walking back to his and Hyunjin's room to get clothes
he decided after he was fully dressed that he definitely needed a cigarette after that
on his way out he spotted one of his roommates Felix on his way down the stairs, he caught a glimpse of the clock on his way down just behind Felix- 05:02 am
and suddenly he wanted to get to know someone other than Hyunjin.
things had been going so well with him and Felix, they had grown closer through the single month of knowing eachother with no signs of stopping, until suddenly he stopped seeing Felix in the shared living room and kitchen. he stopped seeing him in their one shared history class. it was like he was gone.
Minho couldn't help but blame himself, how could he fix something he didn't know the cause of? he could think of no other solution but to fix himself, maybe he had been to clingy, maybe he sat too close to Felix on their nights shared at their spot on the roof.
he felt his anxiety grow as a week had passed with no contact, he never dealt well with people suddenly leaving him.
it was like he had removed himself from his life, but just almost.
because Felix still had a nicotine addiction and needed his daily dose of cigarettes.
Minho felt dumb for never checking the roof, so on the 7th night without even as much as seeing a glimpse of Felix he heard a door open and close and quick light footstept against the wooden floor of the apartment he decided there was a chance it could be him. he waited twenty seconds before putting on an old pair of sneakers and following the sounds of the person up to the roof.
he felt a weight being taken off his shoulders when he saw Felix's black dr martens disappear up the rooftop before the lid closed behind him.
but then he was left with a dilemma, Felix had obviously wanted to remove himself from Minho's life, who would he then be to push himself back in? he had grown to love Felix and the things about him, and so if it meant letting him have his will who was Minho to take that away?
he almost went to go back down the three sets of stairs when he heard light sniffling and suddenly a louder sob coming from the direction of the roof
he wasted almost no time in climbing up the ladder before opening the lid coming face to face with a sobbing Felix curled in on himself. and he felt his heart break for never considering how much Felix was capable of hiding from him.