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Judgementally watching Klaus getting thrown out of yet another place to sleep, Ben wished he’d been keeping tally all this time. “That might be a new record. What was that, two days?” Ben remarked with condemnation, sniggering when he realised Klaus hadn’t been given his shoes before being thrown aside like a piece of trash. Like usual, Ben had warned Klaus not to stir up trouble, but of course he didn’t listen. He never did. They couldn’t stop bickering at the moment, it was almost compulsive.
“Shut up, you’re dead.” Klaus grumpily mumbled, making no effort in his gibe. Should he go back and get his shoes? Probably, but that ran the high risk of getting punched in his pretty face. Shoes were overrated. However, there was a distinct chance he’d end up needing a tetanus shot walking around barefoot in this area... Klaus figured he could likely do with getting one of those anyway. Tuning out Ben’s uppity nagging like static on a shitty radio, Klaus tried to recall where they actually were. Getting here was an illegible blur in his mind. “You’d be really bored if I got my life together, you know that right?”
As much as Ben loathed to confess, Klaus was speaking the truth. What would Ben even do if he didn’t have things to lecture Klaus about? This routine of repetitive turmoil was unbearably boring most of the time though, it was like watching rerun after rerun of a depressing show. “I can’t stress enough how boring you already are for me.” A fair chunk of the time Klaus pretended Ben wasn’t there anyway, so there was a lot of time spent doing absolutely nothing. Those periods were like watching paint dry, except the paint was made of narcissism and overwhelming self-destruction.
“I’m boring?! I’m fun, fun, fucking fun!” Klaus bitterly exclaimed, aware he wasn’t having any genuine fun and hadn’t been for years. The harder he searched for fun, the less he found it. Where the hell were they?! Asking Ben was always a pain in the ass, he was unabashedly judgemental. Why would Klaus bother to remember things when he had Ben there to do that for him? That was basically the whole point in the guy. Besides Klaus loving him and stuff... “AIDS is more fun than you, Klaus, which is coincidentally what you’ll ge-” Klaus pettily threw his hand through Ben’s dead head before he could finish that scathing dig.
Vengefully throwing their hands through one another, Klaus hastily continued walking when he began to get disturbed looks. “I already have AIDS, it’s just in a leather jacket and hood!” Klaus hissed, giving the finger to the people staring at him. It wasn’t fair that only Klaus got people calling the cops, Ben deserved to be arrested too. In Klaus’ opinion, death had plenty of perks, Ben was just ungrateful. None of these streets looked remotely familiar. Shit. Bracing himself for being berated, Klaus knew he’d have to ask Ben.
Patiently waiting for the inevitable question from Klaus, Ben sauntered along beside his aimless wandering. “Where are we, Benny?” There we go. It would’ve been a shock if he hadn’t said that. It was surprising he’d taken so long, normally it was the first thing to leave his mouth. Klaus would have been breaking every tradition they had if he hadn’t said those four words.
“New Jersey.” Ben picked a bullshit place off the top of his head, sick of being used as a ghost GPS. The disgusted groan his brother released was highly amusing, considering he had a pattern of doing utterly revolting things. The amount of times Ben had seen Klaus in or around dumpsters was uncountable, but apparently New Jersey was where he drew the limit. Clearing his throat to hide his laughter, Ben was finding great joy in the distress this fake location was causing Klaus.
“Why would you let me go to New Jersey?!” Klaus petulantly whined, finding this day was just going from bad to worse. Although Ben was physically unable to prevent Klaus doing anything, he still felt irritated by Ben allowing him to enter New goddamn Jersey. Waking up in the academy would’ve been better than this place. “I’m dead, Klaus.” his brother patronisingly replied, always going on and on about that particular subject. Dead, dead, dead. He needed to get over it, it had been... Klaus wasn’t sure how many specific years it had been since Ben had died, but it had been a good while.
Finally finding a bus stop, Klaus turned to furiously scowl at Ben when he discovered they hadn’t even left the city. Was that lie really necessary?! He wasn’t supposed to lie, that was Klaus’ role in the relationship. If Ben lied, then neither of them would be telling the truth. “Grow up, Ben! Oh wait...” Klaus tauntingly chuckled, evidently terrifying the other people at the bus stop. “You can’t grow up, you’re dead!” The folks waiting for their bus should really be paying Klaus for this entertainment. Why was everyone so ungrateful?
“I may be dead, but at least I’m not dead inside.” Ben effortlessly retaliated, knowing Klaus was a black hole of despair and self-hatred beneath his arrogant exterior. His brother took off his backpack just to swing it through Ben’s ghost, as if that wasn’t a ridiculous thing to do. All of the people at the bus stop jumped when the bag smashed into the plastic partition. “You’re gonna get arrested again.” Ben scolded Klaus, seeing the alarm on everyone’s faces.
There had been several occasions in which Klaus had been arrested because he was arguing with Ben. The most recent time, it had been because he’d shoved GOODBYE at Ben and accidentally slapped someone in the face in the process. That had been glorious for Ben to watch, he’d loved every second. It almost made up for all the times his brother had shoved that idiotic tattoo at him. Having said that, dealing with the stress of Klaus getting in trouble with the law again wasn’t worth the sweet feeling of childish tit for tat.
Awkwardly smiling at their unappreciative audience, Klaus knew Ben was unfortunately right. Another little jaunt to jail wasn’t scheduled quite yet. Give it a few months and that should be following Klaus’ usual programming. Spotting an elderly couple that looked rather grandparental, Klaus had the inkling they’d be fond of helping a poor little shoeless schizophrenic. “No, Klaus! Leave them alone!” Ben whined, trying to shoo him away from their direction. That obviously didn’t work, since his physical body was tucked away in a coffin. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have no shoes...”
—
Happily exchanging those people’s cash for drugs, Klaus wondered if this could be a regular routine he could use to swindle people into paying him. How didn’t he think of this earlier? He could hang around outside bingo halls and wait for the old people to congregate. “Nice shoes.” Ben snidely muttered, following Klaus around like a disapproving shadow. Who needs footwear when you can have opioids? “Thanks, they’re Louboutins.”
There were many times when Ben wondered if Klaus’ behaviour was all related to the drugs, but there were also equally as many times when he felt his brother’s bullshit was innate. “Have I ever told you that you’re an asshole?” Ben dryly questioned, a statement he’d uttered an unimaginable amount of times. Apparently he’d never run out of reasons to say it, as Klaus’ morals kept growing more and more distant. It was visible on his brother’s face that he was plotting to con old people again. That immoral scheme would likely be forgotten by tomorrow though, since Klaus had a nasty habit of giving himself amnesia.
That insult was a new one! Klaus wasn’t sick of hearing that. Somebody needs to give Ben a new script, because this one’s tired as all hell. “Diego’s my favorite brother, then Five, then Luther, then you.” Five was nothing but a distant memory at this point, but even that precocious little shit was more tolerable than Ben’s constant nagging. Klaus was fairly certain that he wouldn’t act so wayward if it weren’t for the urge to go against whatever Ben said. If Ben told him to take drugs, Klaus would momentarily consider getting sober. Pissing Ben off was irresistible.
“Diego doesn’t like you, Five never liked you, and Luther straight up hates you.” Ben wasn’t sure why he was rising to that immature bait, but he couldn’t help himself. “Whilst we’re at it, Allison rumors you into leaving her alone, and Vanya’s terrified of you.” saying that felt so good for Ben, it was like ghost therapy. Their other siblings were so lucky to be able to escape Klaus, Ben didn’t have that privilege. Things would be more tolerable if Five were dead too, they could gang up on Klaus. It had been a while since Klaus had attempted conjuring their missing brother, perhaps Ben would have to pressure him into it again. Having their most merciless sibling as backup would be exceptional.
Knowing Ben felt icky when he fully phased through him, Klaus suddenly stopped walking just to cause that to happen. The aggrieved huff Ben let out was wonderful. “Diego doesn’t like me, he loves me. Five never liked anyone. Luther doesn’t count as an individual human being, he’s an extension of our dear old papa. Allison rumors everyone, and Vanya’s terrified of literally everything.” Whilst there was a definite running theme of people avoiding and disowning Klaus, he simply chose not to acknowledge that. It made things too complicated, it was easier to just bury his head further and further in the sand.
“Why are you addicted to literally everything?!” Ben groaned, infuriated that Klaus was lighting what must’ve been his tenth cigarette this afternoon. Ben would kill to still have lungs, and Klaus was casually destroying his. And practically every other organ. It was as if he was addicted to being addicted to things. His brother spitefully looked him in the eye and lit another cigarette, stupidly smoking two at once. “When you inevitably cause your own death, nobody will come to your funeral.” Ben shot out of the way of Klaus’ hand, correctly predicting him shoving it through his head in response to that cutting comment.
When people once again began to stare, Klaus gave Ben a filthy look instead and quickened his pace. Since he was idiotically barefoot, Ben hoped there’d be some dog poop on the sidewalk for him to step on. “Are you enjoying that?” Ben smugly asked, pointing to the two cigarettes Klaus was blatantly stifling coughing from. This was arguably better than the GOODBYE incident. There was no doubt in Ben’s mind that Klaus was going to force himself to smoke the entirety of them both just to make his absurd point.
“...Loving it.” Klaus hoarsely lied, regretting this puerile move. Smoking two at once was unsurprisingly uncomfortable, but he had to stick to his guns. Subtly stealing from a charity collection pot as they walked past, even Klaus had to admit that that was morally dubious. They were collecting for homeless people anyway, he was just cutting out the middleman. The little gasp Ben made was goddamn melodramatic, Klaus had done much worse.
“I think I hate you, Klaus.”
“I hate you too, Benny.”