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they were perfect for each other - the universe said so.
so what went wrong?
“because maybe we aren’t meant for each other.” and the finality, the defeat in taeil’s voice was what made him snap.
“you take that back. you take that back right now!” the tears he had been trying to hold in for so long broke through his carefully constructed barrier and his cheeks were already damp. he could taste salt on his tongue, the taste that was usually the perfect extra seasoning to their food just tasting bitter instead.
“no.”
“no?” donghyuck ignored the searing burn around his pinkie warning him that something was wrong because he knew exactly what was wrong and he needed to do something to stop it before the damage ended up irreversible.
“no. look me in the eyes. if you mean it, look me in the eyes and tell me that. tell me you don’t love me. tell me you never can and i-i’ll leave you alone. but look me in the eyes and tell me without stuttering and i’ll believe you.”
“i-i can’t.”
“so stay.” a final plead, his voice filtering out, the spurt of confidence leaving him as fast as it came because taeil was stubborn and donghyuck knew his mind had been made up.
“we’re both barely adults. i just finished college and you haven’t even started. we’re both stretched thin right now, barely functioning as it is. it’s not doing us any good to have this soulmate thing burdening us further.”
“so that’s all i am to you. a burden. is that all i ever was?” fresh tears filled his eyes, “were all those times we spent together a lie?”
taeil looked up at him sharply, “you’re putting words in my mouth. that’s not what i meant and you know it.”
“j-just-” and doyoung sounded so broken, “-stay, please?”
“i’m sorry.” and he was.
they parted ways and that was that. except-
“hi again. long time no see.” and there was taeil, his soulmate, standing at the opposite end of the road, an umbrella in his hand as he stopped in front of the bus stop.
after taeil left, donghyuck spent weeks doing nothing but lying in bed. he’d missed the deadlines for university applications, hadn’t gotten a job, hadn’t done anything because every time he tried, the string tightening around his finger, now a dull red losing colour in some places, would pull him back once more, choking him, or maybe the tears did that. he wondered if taeil’s string looked like that. if taeil cared that his string looked like that.
then he’d met mark.
sweet, caring and also nosy as hell mark. he’d managed to befriend donghyuck within two days of moving into the block. donghyuck fully believed that, if he wasn’t the hermit crab he was, mark would have reduced that number down to hours, maybe minutes.
it took another month, on a day where donghyuck had finally mustered the strength to go outside and try to get a job, keyword being ‘try’ because he had only gotten a few steps outside when he had broken down crying. it was just his luck that mark happened to be coming back home from work and saw the exact moment donghyuck fell to his knees, sobs escaping his pursed lips.
when mark took him back to his own apartment, it didn’t even occur to donghyuck that this was the first time he had been over. nor did he take notice of the oddly empty room, the only indication that someone lived there the blanket splayed onto the couch. it seemed to take hours but donghyuck’s heaving sobs gave way to quieter sniffles as he gently blowed his nose into the tissue mark had handed to him. his whole face was red and blotchy when he glanced at his reflection in the glass. it reminded him of the day tae- the day he left. but donghyuck refused to think of that when he had just finished crying. he didn’t think his body could taken another episode.
taking deep breaths, he sipped the water mark had given him and began speaking, explaining everything from when he first met. how they had met under the bus stop, having tripped over their red strings, noticing that they could actually see strings that weren’t their own and the realisation that they must be soulmates. he laughed, bittersweet, as he recounted the frantic way they had both pulled at their own strings, identical beaming smiles on their faces as their pinkies interlocked. then the time they spent together, barely adults as they got closer. an involuntary whimper left his mouth when he described their last interaction. and through it all, mark held him tight, murmuring words of comfort into the younger’s hair.
“you’ll be okay. it’s okay. it’s-it’s going to hurt but you’ll be okay.” and donghyuck believed him, succumbing to the exhaustion as his breathing evened out and he fell asleep.
“being with you is like being at home. i never want to leave,” taeil had confessed to him one night. they lay under the thin blankets, moonlight shining through the open curtains just enough that donghyuck could see the way taeil’s eyes glittered in the soft glow. their legs were wrapped around each other, arms tangled and donghyuck wasn’t sure he’d be able to tell whose limb was whose with how tightly they clung to each other.
donghyuck’s breath had hitched when the words registered in his sleep-addled brain and he was once again reminded that this was his soulmate, his other half, the person he had been wanting and waiting to meet since he was sixteen and he felt the red string on his pinkie finger snap into place. warmth filled his chest as those familiar butterflies fluttered in his stomach.
he’d once told taeil about them; the fact that, even though it had been over two months since they met, every little thing his soulmate did still made his heart clench and stomach tickle with the phantom butterflies. taeil had laughed, called donghyuck silly and donghyuck had just smiled back, replying with a simple “but i’m yours, butterflies and all.” he’d felt those butterflies once more when taeil nuzzled his nose against donghyuck’s neck, mumbling, “and i’m yours.”
but even that feeling of home must not have been enough for them, the children that they were.
“you asshole. we don’t see each other for four years and that’s what you start off with?” he refused to cry again. god knows donghyuck had cried enough over them in the past.
and taeil smiled, looking somehow more radiant than he had ever been before, “well, what do you want me to say?”
that stopped donghyuck in his tracks because what did he want taeil to say? he hadn’t let himself imagine this moment. even after coming to all the conclusions he had and accepting them, he never let his thoughts linger on the what if’s of them meeting again. but now that they had, he couldn’t delay it any further. he wiped the sweat off of his hands onto the denim of his jeans, “i guess it doesn’t matter. um, hi.”
they were so awkward. it had never been this awkward before, not in their first meeting nor that getting to know each other phase. those had come easily, almost instinctually, to donghyuck. there was nothing in his instincts that told him how to act when he saw the soulmate who he thought had rejected him for the first time in four years.
“hi.”
“you said that already.” silence followed, the only noise coming from the traffic and the soft pitter-patter of rain, both of which had faded into the background when faced with the nervous thrumming of his heart, the tingly feeling in his body, oh, so distracting.
“god, we’re so awkward.”
and donghyuck couldn’t help it, laughter spilling out of his mouth, welcomed after the awkward atmosphere they had managed to create. when they both calmed down, donghyuck gestured towards his apartment, the same one he and taeil had once seen available to rent back when they were eager to start their lives together. that plan had been delayed but it hadn’t stopped donghyuck from buying the apartment as soon as he could. maybe it was slightly masochistic but heartbroken, eighteen-year-old donghyuck hadn’t exactly been thinking in his best interests.
now settled on the second-hand sofa, the two stared at each other, neither wanting to speak until donghyuck voiced his thoughts, “why?”
and it was as if that one word, that one question broke the dam, everything flowing out in a never ending stream.
“because how could i love you when i couldn’t even love myself?”
donghyuck paused. because taeil was right. how could they love even begin to know each other when they barely knew themselves? the way they were going, it was bound to end in disaster.
they had both been young, too young to know what love was. they had been infatuated with each other, in love with the idea of soulmates but not in love with their actual soulmates. and it was that realisation, one that had only come after taeil left, that broke donghyuck. in the honeymoon phase, he couldn’t even fathom the fact that he may not truly be in love with his soulmate but taeil had, and he’d made the decision for donghyuck before he could so much as begin to consider it. in hindsight, it was a better outcome than waiting for the inevitable fight they would have.
“so what about now?”
“huh?” taeil’s head, previously staring at his foot drawing random shapes into the carpet, whipped up, eyebrows furrowed as he stared at donghyuck.
“do you love yourself now?” donghyuck whispered, words tentative, “do you think you love yourself enough to love me too?”
“yes. yes i do.” but taeil’s hands were still firmly clenched at his sides. through damp eyelashes, he looked into donghyuck’s eyes, “do-do you think you could start to love me too?”
“you’re my soulmate. of course i lov-” he paused. no. this mentality was what led to this happening in the first place. he took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts before he opened his mouth again, “yes. i-yes. maybe not now but in the future? it’s a yes.”
the sentence seemed to be all taeil was waiting for, immediately moving closer. one hand came to donghyuck’s jaw, caressing his cheek tenderly. the other was around his waist. his mouth was close, so close donghyuck could feel his breaths, the hint of the cherry chapstick that taeil, apparently, still used, “are you willing to try again?”
“for you? always.” their lips met, the butterflies in his stomach returning yet even they seemed to have changed, not as erratic any more. rather, they were slower, fluttering gently so as to reassure donghyuck instead.
in hindsight, it had hurt like hell, maybe even worse, but it had also been what they both needed. in hindsight, the pain had led them to something stronger, something better. perhaps absence did make the heart grow fonder because, this time, when taeil engulfed donghyuck, it felt nothing like the hugs they had shared so many years ago, this hug spoke of the years in between, the words yet to be spoken, the emotions still crisp and intense, almost tangible.
the universe was right after all.