Archive of Our Own ^beta

Morning, new recruits and welcome to the Inquisition. I am Commander Cullen and will oversee your training personally.

Yes, you there, you have a question?

Oh, the Inquisitor... er, he... hem hem. Sadly, the Inquisitor is momentarily unable to greet you personally, due to... due to a small injury he suffered yesterday evening while, um, while sparring with the Iron Bull, but he has left me with a message for you--

What? Oh, yes, he's fine. Yes I'm sure. He only needs a bit of rest.

Now, let's see...

Cullen unfolds a crumpled piece of parchment and quickly skims it, frowning at what he finds. There's a long list with annotations in the margins and someone has drawn what appears to be a buttocks above the title.

Well...

What To Do and What Not To Do when fighting killing Templars Venatori Bad Guys for the Inquisition by a slightly very drunk Inquisitor Trevelyan and a maybe a bit inebriated Varric Tethras (with annotations by Sera, Dorian Pavus and The Iron Bull)

I. On fighting in general
Soldiers, Mages, Templars and Rogues of the Inquisition, when it comes to where to stand during a fight, take a look at your armour. We have found it is generally useful if the frontline fighting is left to those with heavy armour, and no, only because it has "Mail" in it doesn't mean it's heavy. If you don't believe me, speak to Dorian on this topic, he can tell you all about it.

I must object, my dear Inquisitor, if you are referring to what I think you are referring to. If you recall correctly, it all worked out in our favour

 

That might be true, but you falling unconscious on top of me so that we both go to the ground is not a conventional fighting technique, even if it saved my face from being smashed in with a shield

 

But it worked

 

Yes it worked, happy now?

 

More than you can imagine

What the Inquisitor is trying to say is; people that wear cloth, stay as far away as possible, people that wear leather, keep to the shadows or learn how to handle a bow. People with heavy armour, do whatever you want as long as you stay between the bad guys and the good guys and remember to use your shields. Also, stay out of the range of crazy Qunari wielding giant swords, even if they're on your side. The Inquisitor can tell you all about that.

We agreed to never mention that particular incident again, Varric

 

Did we? Must've slipped my mind

II. On Potions, Tonics and Grenades, Bombs and that other stuff
Remember to stock up on potions, tonics and projectiles before leaving the camp. There's nothing worse than running out of potions right at the beginning of a fight with a dragon. Trust me when I say that playing possum is not the fun it used to be when you were five years old.

'Specially not if there's a fire-spitting lizard 'round, right?

II.i Also, use the stuff. If you feel like you're about to faint, take a potion. Running out of Mana? There's a potion for that. Need some stone armour? There's a tonic for that. It's not that hard.
On a side note, no, Antivan Fire Grenades will not make you breathe fire like a dragon when ingested. I thought that was common sense, but I've been wrong before.

II.ii Do remember to secure the vials properly. Really nobody profits from you setting your tent on fire because you had to get up in the morning to take a piss and stumbled over an Antivan Fire Grenade. Sera can provide you with more bad examples if you're not convinced yet.

But that thing with the bees in Bull's tent was funny, right?

 

It wasn't

 

Yes it was, I mean, bees, and the Bull, runnin', the Bull runnin' from bees, screaming like a---------

 

New recruits, if you want your bollocks to remain where they are, you will not believe the kill-stealing elf's stories

 

There once was a Qunari named Bull
who once was met with a jar full
of bees
and the Qunari screamed please-----

III. Glowy things on the Ground
That glowy stuff on the ground? Pretty, right? No. Stuff's evil. Evil evil. Evil like Cassandra when you write poems in her books evil. Just with less disgusted noises and more boom bang squish the end is near you're dead I'll crush you, crush yoouu.

So, stay out of that shite.

To help, Sera has provided the new recruits with a drawing of a stick man exploding into a rain of fleshy bits when stepping onto a Searing Glyph.

All right, new recruits, that's about it. If we should remember something more, we'll tell the Commander, he'll tell you, and he'll be delighted to answer every and each question, no matter how stupid it might seem. Also, he's great at playing Wicked Grace, you should ask him to play with you some time.

Sincerely yours, Inquisitor Trevelyan,

and Friends

 

and one impeccably dressed and incredibly handsome Altusmage

 

you forgot to mention your striking and sharp wit, Sparkler

 

but that goes without saying of course

Well, that was... certainly... enlightening? I, um...

Right, let's begin with the training then! Recruits, grab your weapons and get ready!

Written on a piece of parchment pinned to the door of the barracks at Skyhold: