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Xie Lian presses his hands against his face, desperately trying to suppress the cough that has been threatening to work its way out of his throat, courtesy of some unluckily swallowed saliva when he had screamed himself awake not too long ago. There are tears streaming down his face, both from the exertion and the panic still lingering in his heart and he can feel the next sob lurking right behind that cough. When he can´t restrain it anymore he presses his face into his pillow, trying to be as silent as possible...but to no avail. He can feel He Xuan stir next to him, slow and heavy as if trying to drag himself out from the abyss he seems to be lost in when asleep. And as much as Xie Lian would like for him to be awake more now really was the worst time. There are hands reaching for him now, He Xuan´s golden eyes still dull but brightening with alarm when he sees the state Xie Lian is in. He tries to speak, to reassure He Xuan that he is alright, really, but instead that treacherous sob breaks free, born from the memory of a black blade piercing his heart over and over again.
He Xuan is fully awake now, rising to his knees to better be able to reach for Xie Lian. The hands cradling his face are cold as ice, even colder as his San Lang´s and they burn against his flushed cheeks as He Xuan draws closer still, clumsy and sluggish with exhaustion clinging to him like a second skin. There is the softest touch of equally cold lips against his cheek and one hand wanders to gently lay against Xie Lian´s neck with just the barest hint of pressure, an invitation that Xie Lian willingly accepts. Only when he himself moves forward, his hands gripping at soft black robes, does He Xuan pull him into the offered embrace, as carefully and tenderly as if he was made out of spun glass. He has always treated him like this after he had put what little was left of his life into Xie Lian´s shaking hands, only inviting, never taking more than a few small affections unless Xie Lian had offered more himself.
It didn't even matter if Hua Cheng was with them or not, his face complicated with warring emotions ranging from possessiveness over his Gege to the same protectiveness Xie Lian had developed for the other Devastation clinging to him. Only when He Xuan was asleep would he allow the second part to show through though, petting the silky black hair when his sleep was disturbed by nightmares and allowing him to pull close whenever he thought nobody was looking. Xie Lian could only smile at the unnecessary posturing, thinking it cute in the very unique way a Devastation class ghost king could be cute. But if his San Lang needed to pretend that he wasn´t just as worried about Black Water Sinking Ships as Xie Lian himself a little bit longer he would stoically pretend to not have seen anything...even if Crimson Rain Sought Flower really couldn't fool anybody with his pretended disinterest.
“...do you need me to get Hua Cheng?”
Xie Lian takes a deep shuddering breath and shakes his head against He Xuan´s silent form, mumbling a small ´I'm alright´ and trying to calm himself down again while phantom pain still makes him twitch with remembered agony, his chest aflame with the sharp memory of a hundred wounds. He Xuan is rocking them slightly, slowly carding thin fingers through Xie Lian´s hair as he shivers against him, keening softly. He would like to have his San Lang right now but this particular nightmare always left the other man just as shaken as Xie Lian himself, the centuries old, helpless agony just as fresh in Hua Cheng´s memory as the pain was in his own. And having He Xuan hold him like this did help, the briney buzz of the Devastation´s power against his skin had become familiar enough during the last few weeks to be comforting, silent reassurance that he was not alone. He Xuan hums slightly, clearly unconvinced but he does not try to argue and only pulls the other man closer to his chest.
“Then tell me what hurt you so. They'll regret ever having laid a single finger on you…”
He Xuan´s voice is rusty with disuse, he has barely spoken a handful of words ever since he had arrived In Hua Cheng´s domain, and yet the threat is clear, his voice laced with the same kind of protective prickling as his San Lang´s would be every time he thought someone had done his Gege any harm. Xie Lian is still caught in the aftershocks of his nightmare, his heart taking it´s time to slow down back to normal and yet he still has to smile at that, gently hugging the other man around his too thin waist, sighing silently to himself. Even barely conscious He Xuan had always been immediately protective of him, even when he was hardly awake enough for Xie Lian to coax him into drinking a few sips of water. Xie Lian gently pats his arm, trying to soothe the Devastation holding him.
“Ah, I fear they have all long since perished and the only one who hasn't done so is safely imprisoned and out of reach…”
“The White One.”
It isn't a question., He Xuan had masqueraded as a God for centuries and had learned enough about Xie Lian´s past to know that Bai Wuxiang -or the Heavenly Emperor, depending on what form he wore at the time- had been the one responsible for most of the horrible things in Xie Lian´s life. Xie Lian can feel power surge against his skin, He Xuan´s golden eyes burning with protective hatred, and he chastely kisses him on the lips to calm him down again. He Xuan´s words had been dripping with contempt and it made Xie Lian feel strange to know that all it would take for his two Devastations to drag Bai Wuxiang out from underneath his mountain and destroy him completely would be a single word from him. It was a dangerous kind of power to have, frightening and intoxicating and it worried and reassured Xie Lian at the same time….but as tempting as the idea for revenge might be Xie Lian only needed to look at the one holding him close to know that it was a dangerous thing to pledge yourself to. And in the end he was the one who was safe and comfortable, cherished and protected while Bai Wuxiang had nothing but age old resentments and regrets. He sighs softly, his lingering distress leaving him together with his exhale. There was nothing to be gained by dwelling on the past after all.
“It has been a long time ago A-Xuan...there is no need to bristle about it.”
He Xuan snorts lightly, a little blip of his usual snark showing through his tiredness. He is still prickly against Xie Lian´s skin but something in his eyes has softened with Xie Lian´s endearment and the soft blush that follows it and he gently returns the kiss, making him blush even deeper. This is still very new, especially for Xie Lian who never before had the urge to kiss someone other than his San Lang. But He Xuan´s ashes lie against his chest together with his beloved San Lang´s, a small, crystal clear ring and a black, tear shaped pearl nestled safely underneath his clothes and it would feel even weirder to use any kind of formal address between them.
“It is if it makes you wake up distressed like this. Do you want to tell me?”
There is a certain hint of stubborness underneath the perpetual tiredness and Xie Lian gets an inkling that, once He Xuan has finally slept away the centuries of exhaustion, he might be a lot less docile then he is right now. He can't find it in him to mind though, even his San Lang has been worried enough by how wan and faint the other Devastation has been recently to not even properly pretend not to care most of the time.
He had only ever complained about He Xuan having taken over their shared bed once, right in the beginning, when the disheveled Devastation´s drying, sea water soaked robes had left sand everywhere. It had been more a complaint ´on principle´than a real one but when He Xuan had woken next Xie Lian had managed to coax him into taking a bath, firstly to get rid of the sand and salt clinging to him and secondly because he thought with He Xuan being a water demon it might help him restoring his powers back to normal after he had sealed them away for so long. And all had been going well up until the point where Xie Lian had grown suspicious of the continued silence behind the privacy screen and had taken a careful peak...and had seen nothing more than a pale face, deep underwater and surrounded by silky black hair gently floating around it. His alarmed shout had brought Hua Cheng running, E-Ming already halfway out of its sheath while Xie Lian had lunged for the naked body in the tub, dragging him up again...only to be met by startled, golden eyes. `...I thought you had fallen asleep again and drowned´. He Xuan had only blinked at Xie Lian´s by now furiously blushing face, still dangling half in, half out of the tub. ´Too late.´ His tone had been so dry and matter of fact that his San Lang had burst into surprised laughter, putting E-Ming back into his sheath and instead reaching for a robe so He Xuan could cover himself. He Xuan had fallen asleep shortly afterward again with Hua Cheng still -gently- teasing Xie Lian about being worried that a dead, water type demon could still drown as he carried him back to bed.
“You don't have to if you don't want to..”
He Xuan´s voice brings Xie Lian´s wandering mind back to the present and his first instinct is of course to politely but firmly refuse. And yet, he hesitates. The temple has always been one of the most horrible of his memories, featuring in his nightmares frequently and he would love to forget about the whole incident and never talk about it again. But he also knows that this will probably never happen and as good as he is at pretending that everything is alright he can see the pain in his San Lang´s eyes every time he falls back into his old habits. Hua Cheng´s memories of the temple are just as horrifying as Xie Lian´s and telling him about this particular nightmare often times results in triggering the same old trauma in him, so Xie Lian tries to avoid it as much as possible...but He Xuan hadn't been there and while Xie Lian had an inkling that him telling this particular story might not make him happy it would not have the same impact as it had on his San Lang. Maybe talking to someone who wasn't caught in the same web of horror and pain as they were might help with taking the edge off, a least a little.
“I will tell you...I have one request though.I would like to ask you to answer a question for me in return.”
“Anything.”
He Xuan´s reply is immediate, without even the slightest hint of hesitation and it makes something in Xie Lian´s chest clench tight in a weird mix of fear and elation. It always astonishes him, the unconditional devotion his Devastations show him. He has learned by now that his San Lang will stop at nothing to fulfill any of his wishes and desires, no matter what they might be...and it seems as if He Xuan won't be any different in this. It is a breathtaking sign of their adoration, unquestioning and even slightly overwhelming sometimes, scaring Xie Lian with the sheer amount of trust they put into him. After all it is a dangerous thing to be offered, too easily exploited at the cost of their wellbeing if Xie Lian isn´t careful what he wishes for..
“Don´t you want to know what I would ask of you?”
“No need. You would not ask anything of me that I would not be willing to give you anyway. Or hold me to my word if by chance you might ask something that I would be unwilling to answer.” There is the soft tickle of cold fingertips just barely slipping past the collar of Xie Lian´s robe, touching the small silver chain hidden underneath. “I trust you.”
“Alright. Promise me to tell me if you would rather not answer though.”
“Hm. I will. Tell me?”
Xie Lian takes a single, deep breath that he does not need, closing his eyes and leaning deeper into the other man's embrace. He Xuan is silent while Xie Lian talks, slow and faltering at first, telling him about the trap Bai Wuxiang had set for him that one fateful day, how everybody aside from a single man had willingly sacrificed the life of their God for their own gain, deaf to his screams and pleas as his own blade cut him again and again and again. How everything had suddenly ended in flames, vicious and raging and burning everything around him, nothing more than a confused, vague blur in his agonized recollection. And how he could still hear Bai Wuxiang´s laughter in the back of his head, cruel and weirdly affectionate at the same time as he watched him being butchered by the same people he once swore to save. Xie Lian still doesn't know what hurt him more: the memories of the blade piercing his skin again and again or the ease with which they had deemed him nothing more than a sacrificial lamb, unfeeling and nothing more than a slab of meat to be butchered for them. He had risked everything for them and lost everything in return and yet only a single person in a hundred had seen him as more than just a convenient scapegoat.
The retelling does stir up memories, fresh tears rolling down Xie Lian´s cheeks as He Xuan holds him close, softly carding cold, sharp fingers through his hair and soothing him with gentle kisses whenever Xie Lian´s voice breaks too much to continue speaking, patiently letting him find his composure again without pushing him to continue. When he has finished Xie Lian feels just as exhausted as the Devastation in his arms, drained but lighter too, as if a little bit of that old poison had been purged. He just lays against He Xuan´s still form for a few more minutes until his heart is calm again, allowing him to gently wipe away the tears on his face with the soft sleeve of his black shirt. He Xuan doesn´t say anything when Xie Lian finishes but he doesn´t have to: the way his powers curl around him like cool, salty water, protective and sheltering and smooth like silk is enough. As long as Black Water Sinking Ship still exists no one will ever hurt Xie Lian like this ever again. Xie Lian is still kind of overwhelmed with that whole concept...but for now he is done with thinking and talking about himself, gently prodding He Xuan´s side. He wants to think about something that isn't related to Bai Wuxiang or his past for a bit and there has been one thing that has been stupefying him ever since a mute, barely awake He Xuan had pressed his ashes into his hands, surrender oozing from him like his black waters, entrusting him with all that remained of him.
“Your turn A-Xuan…why me?”
He Xuan sighs silently, cuddling close in what seems to be his favorite sleeping position tucked tightly into Xie Lian´s side. Xie Lian can feel his spiritual energy draining quickly again after its earlier spike, stagnant, black waters instead of raging current and He Xuan falls silent long enough for Xie Lian to think he has finally fallen back asleep before he suddenly speaks again, hesitant and tired.
"Because you are the God of Broken Things and I have not been whole for a very long time. I'm nothing but shards, held together by spite ..and I felt that, if anybody could still cherish a broken thing like me, it had to be you. You´re -kind- Xie Lian, you have all the reasons not to be and yet you choose to be compassionate instead. There is nobody still in this world that I would want to hold what is left of me but you..."
“You´re not broken, A -Xuan…”
Xie Lian gets shushed before he can continue and He Xuan gently squeezes his waist before tucking his cold nose into the crook of Xie Lian´s neck.
“I am and it's alright. I have all the time I need to stick myself back together again now...I just could not do it alone.” The Devastation sighs deeply, the exhaustion evident in his voice and the way his body grows slacker against Xie Lian by the minute but he rouses himself enough to press a gentle kiss against Xie Lian´s neck before finally closing his eyes.
”...are you planning on hiding behind that curtain for the rest of the century Crimson Rain or are you finally coming to bed?”
There is the soft, guilty rustle of bed curtains behind a surprised Xie Lian and he can see a small, silvery fish flitting past him and hiding underneath his Master's robes again, a thin trail of water droplets following in its wake, before someone slips underneath the blankets with them, strong cold arms embracing him tightly from behind. ´Seems as if A-Xuan had been very unconvinced about me insisting on being alright´, Xie Lian thinks to himself, half amused, half exasperated as an apologetic kiss gets pressed against the nape of his neck. He Xuan must have sent one of his fish after Hua Cheng without him noticing when he had woken up screaming and Xie Lian gets the lingering feeling that, between the two of them, he won't be able to hide too much of his past traumas anymore. A terrifying thought...but probably for the best.
“I apologize, I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I didn't want to interrupt.”
His San Lang´s voice is just as apologetic as the kiss had been, clearly feeling bad about having witnessed something that to him must have seemed private and intimate. He hadn´t objected to He Xuan being part of their relationship at any point and Xie Lian would have been worried that it was just for his sake if it would not be so easy to see the affection and worry his San Lang held for the other Devastations...once he managed to get past the inevitable posing at least. Xie Lian does not mind him being privy to the talk they had, there are no secrets between them after all and he would have told him on his own terms at some point..even if he would have omitted -which one- of his frequent nightmares had been the one to wake him probably.
Thin white fingers sneaking past his face to -carefully- pull a braid adorned with a single red coral pearl startle Xie Lian out of his reverie.
“Nosy.”
“Shut up, fishbreath.”
“Up yours, bug brain.”
There is neither accusation nor heat in their traded ´insults´and Xie Lian chuckles slighty, shaking his head in exhausted affection. This time, when he can feel his San Lang reaching over him to place a cool hand on a black clad hip he doesn't pretend not to notice but reaches over himself, gently squeezing slender fingers before intertwining their hands and closing his eyes again. He might as well get some more rest too...he has a feeling that, once He Xuan was rested and back to being himself again, his life would become a lot more interesting..