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The sounds that traveled down the hall to meet you as you sat completely unawares at the kitchen table were like nothing you could describe. There you were, minding your own business with two of your favorite trolls, trying to eat your sandwich in peace like a normal human being when
Thunk-skeeelat! CLANGclang Clang! Roll-rattle-rattle-roll.
“AAAAAGH! OH MY GO-kkpth!”
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
You steal a glance over at Terezi. You can’t read her expression around the sandwich she’s still got gripped between her shark teeth, but Sollux’s wearing a big, toothless grin.
“What the hell is this stuff?! Oh god, it tastes like lemon rinds!”
“IT’S THE TASTE OF REVENGE, FUCKASS!”
“It’s in my eyes! Karkat, it’s in my eyes!”
“THAT’S RIGHT! COME ON, EGBERT, SHOW ME YOUR SWEET HUMAN TEARS. I TOLD YOU I’D MAKE YOU REGRET THE DAY YOU EVER DARED TO PULL A PRANK ON ME!”
Terezi’s nose twitches, and she removes the sandwich to say, “It smells like…”
Her insight comes just a moment too late. Before she can even form the words the spectacle itself appears before you so you can feast in the horror with your own nose and eyes.
The two idiots barrel into the kitchen, one right after the other. Karkat’s fast, but John’s faster, and by some stroke of bad luck John tackles Karkat to the ground right at your feet. All you can do is draw your legs up out of the way and watch as this disgustingly uncool scene unfolds before you.
“GET OFF ME, YOU MORON!”
“Tell me what it is, Karkat! You tell me what was in that bucket right now, or I swear I’ll—”
“YOU’LL WHAT?”
John shoves his hair right into Karkat’s face and shakes his whole head like he’s a human paintbrush, smearing the red gel he’s covered in all over as much of Karkat as he can.
Karkat sputters and screams, trying and failing to push John off of him.
“GODDAMN IT, GET YOUR DISGUSTING HUMAN FILTH OFF OF ME!”
“My human filth?! I don’t even know what this…this goo is!”
“A bucket? You don’t mean… A pail? Karkat, tell me you didn’t! You wouldn’t dare!” Terezi comments, sounding particularly scandalized.
“OH, I FUCKING DID,” he snarls, pushing John’s head just far enough away so that he can talk without getting a mouth full of glop and hair. “I’M NOT AN IDIOTIC PRANKSTER PLAYING AROUND FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES. THIS IS REVENGE, AND I AM DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS.”
“Karkat, this is positively obscene!”
“Please, Terezi, what the hell is this? Is it going to stain? Ugh, it tastes so bad!”
“Hehe. Thainth are the leath of your worrieth right now, JN,” Sollux snickers. “Trust me, you really don’t want to know what wath in KK’s pail.”
Understanding hits you with the same instantaneous clarity it does John. Holy shit. He didn’t. Did he?
“Oh my god!” John shrieks, his voice going up an octave higher than it was ever meant to go. “This is your… You wouldn’t!”
Karkat gives him the nastiest grin you’ve ever seen on a troll’s face.
“REVENGE.”
John jumps off Karkat so fast you’d swear he learned to flash step when you weren’t looking. He’s up the stairs in the blink of an eye (no doubt headed for the shower), leaving only a trail of gooey footprints and a chorus of “Ew!”s and “Oh my god!”s in his wake. It’s a pathetic display, especially for a self-proclaimed prank master, but given the circumstances you honestly cannot blame him.
You watch speechless, honestly speechless, as Karkat stands up, looking like the most self-satisfied douche you have ever seen in your life.
“You going to eat that?” he asks, pointing at the second sandwich on your plate. A drop of red drips from his finger down onto your virginal, white bread.
“Not anymore. Help yourself.”
You slide the plate away from you. Far, far away from you, in the hopes that maybe Karkat will follow.
He doesn’t.
“Shit, he got it all over me.”
Then the bastard has the gall to lick some of it off his finger. This is hands down the most disgusting thing you have ever seen in your life.
And yet somehow the situation just keeps getting worse.
“How’s it taste?” Terezi asks.
“Eh,” he shrugs. “Not too disgusting, I guess. Better than the others I’ve had forced into my mouth. Want to try it yourself? I’m sure you’ll find it delicious with your creepy red fetish.”
He extends a (god, you don’t even want to think about it) covered arm towards her. To your immense relief, she recoils instead of jumping on the opportunity.
“Thanks, but no thanks, Karkles. I’d rather try it fresh.”
What the hell.
“Suit yourself.”
He looks at you, he actually fucking looks right at you, as he smears the excess red from his hands onto the sandwich before taking a bite. You are pretty sure you just lost your appetite forever. You will never in your life be able to unsee that.
“How long did it take you to get that much collected?” Sollux asks around a bite from his own sandwich.
“Not that long, actually,” Karkat replies. “Gamzee lent me a hand. He’s a fucking expert at collecting this shit.”
“Alright, that’s it,” you stand up. “This is where I draw the line. The freaky in this room has just reached critical mass. I am throwing in the towel and getting the fuck out of here before I get any more mental scars.”
You abscond while the absconding’s good.
#
“Mission accomplished!” Terezi cackles the moment Dave’s out of earshot. “Are you feeling thoroughly avenged, Karkat?”
“It feels fucking fantastic. That went even better than I imagined.”
“Were you planning on getting Dave too, or wath that juth luck?”
“Sheer fucking luck. Wasn’t it great, though? Did you see the way the blood drained from his face?”
“Hehe, that wath my favorite part.”
“Aw, I missed it! What did it smell like?”
“Kind of thalty, actually.”
“What are you motherfucker’s up and jamming about in here?”
The trolls at the table burst out in near-instantaneous laughter as Gamzee sets the bright red slime pie down on the table.
“Woah, what the motherfuck happened, my brother? You’re all covered in red!”
“I just let John taste some of that slime you helped me make the other day.”
“Bitchtits! What did that motherfucker think about my miracle? Did he like it?”
“I don’t think so. Sorry, Gamzee.”
“Aw. But I went and made him a whole fuckin’ pie. I don’t want this miracle to be all lonely without a warm belly to cozy up in.”
“I want a piece!”
“I want a pieth too.”
“Bitchin’! You guys are the best motherfuckin’ friends, helpin’ a brother out like this. Let’s slice this motherfuckin’ miracle up!”
“Gamzee’s right. You guys are seriously the best fucking friends a troll could ask for.”