Chapter Text
She had been seriously conflicted about coming back at all. Part of her wanted to just hide away forever, to never get closer than the woods outside of Jackson, living alone and miserable for the rest of her life the way she probably deserves. Maybe if she was lucky enough, some rookie patroller would mistake her for a runner and shoot her in the fucking head, let her rest for once.
Ultimately, selfishness brought her back to town.
She didn’t stroll so much as shuffle through the gates. She was smaller now, in more ways than one. Barely eating, down two fingers and without the familiar weight of her mother’s knife, she was a fraction of who she was the last time she’d walked through here five years ago. It felt like she might’ve left parts of herself in the ocean as some kind of pathetic sacrifice. Her childhood, her laughter.
The only thing she was proud of dropping there was that fucking rage she’d carried for so long. There wasn’t use for it anymore. Joel was gone and had been for years. She couldn’t blame him anymore for her anger. The only person to blame had always been her. The problem with that was that now she didn’t know who she was without it. At least she’d once had fire, had something , an end goal to cling to- now she didn’t really feel anything.
She’d like to think he’s proud of her for making the right decision, but she didn’t really do that, did she? The right decision would’ve been not leaving her son and girlfriend. The right decision would’ve been leaving Seattle after what she had done to Nora , or after Dina had told her why she was sick. The right decision would’ve been not going at all. Staying in Jackson, grieving properly in a healthy way, helping the community and not fucking herself over instead and repressing every fucking memory of the man who could’ve been something like her father if she had ever let him near her.
She was trying to fix that. She figured since she’s got a lot of people to apologize to, it’d be easiest to start furthest back, with the ones who can’t respond. Every day, it felt like more came back, like she let in more of him. Learning to swim, to cook, just hanging out. Dumb slasher and superhero movie nights with popcorn and stolen candy and the shit sludge coffee he loved. All the times she’d run to him after a nightmare or panic attack (she knew what they were called now- she’d done her research, stopping into Salt Lake’s university on the way back and stealing some things from their libraries). He would let her cry, fix her a drink if that’s what she wanted.
She remembered every time she hurt him, left him behind. Ignored him. Told him flat out to fuck off.
So far, the good mostly outweighed the bad.
The sun was going to set soon, and she had to make a decision. Would she tuck in for the night, hide away, give in to her cowardice and let Dina find out on her own and come to curse her out, or would she go straight to Dina and give her the chance to tell Ellie she never wants to see her again on a silver platter, get it over with right away, rip off the bandage?
Neither sounded good.
Dina had every right, she reminded herself. Dina had warned her what would happen if she left. She’d agreed to her terms. She’d been a shit person and a terrible partner. A pretty awful mother, too. Her throat always hurt at the thought of her JJ, so tiny and wide-eyed and good , crying in the night, knowing she wasn’t able to go to him and soothe him and let Dina sleep.
She wanted that back. She wanted her family back, the one she’d made and found and fought for until fighting wasn’t enough.
Instead of going to Maria to tell her she was back and begging for shelter or hiding away in an abandoned house for the night, she headed straight down the center of town and took a left at the butcher’s. It was a shortcut Jesse had taught her when they were fifteen, and she’d used it to sneak in or out of town hundreds of times over the years. She prayed a silent apology to Jesse before his dead eyes could fill her head again, wide and dry and blank.
She had no proof that Dina’s even here in Jackson, let alone in Jesse’s parents’ house, but something about it made sense. They had practically been parents for the three of them, especially Dina, but everyone loved Dina. After Jesse hadn’t come home, they’d gotten even closer, made visits out to the farm to see their grandson and “their girls” every month or so. If Dina wasn’t living alone, if she was in town, she would probably be here.
The idea of Dina having moved on, living with someone else, came to her mind suddenly and unbidden. She shoved it back with all the force she could manage.
She still knew it was a possibility. It petrified her, but she had left, and if someone else could make Dina happy, then Dina deserved all that came with that- a life away from her past, without Ellie and the pain she always left in her wake. Dina deserved the sun. Ellie would’ve torn herself and the world apart to give it to her.
These were thoughts that made her forgive Joel a little more.
Robin and Jamie’s house was one of the smaller ones in Jackson, but it did have a full backyard, unlike a lot of the others. She’d spent so many nights there in a broken lawn chair, telling Jesse terrible jokes and letting him ramble and getting so very drunk together. Dina had been there too, sometimes, but they’d always liked to joke that it was guys’ night, so she wasn’t allowed in. Dina would always point out that Ellie wasn’t a “guy” either, and they’d look at each other in mock confusion and surprise before offering her a beer and a seat between them.
Now, there was a wooden contraption in the backyard. She was coming up on the side of the house, and she could see it in the sunset light. The swing set didn’t exactly look sturdy, but it wasn’t pre-Outbreak levels of broken. Robin had probably done it, she thought. His construction work was always a little shoddy. Joel would’ve built better, she realized with a pang in her chest.
Perhaps if this went well she could fix it up for him. Joel had taught her how, and he’d said she had a knack for it. She wouldn’t let herself hope yet, though. First, she had to be forgiven.
The lights were on inside. Someone was home. A window on the first floor was open, and the air smelled faintly, even from feet away, of Jamie’s cherry pie. Laughter came from inside, the kind of belly laugh she knew Jesse had inherited from his mother, that she’d heard a million times playing cards and dancing like idiots and daring him to do the dumbest shit because look, Dina’s watching you . Turns out she had been watching both of them after all.
This hurt too much and she didn’t know if Dina was even there yet. She hadn’t even made it to the doorstep. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe she’d hide in her old shed and wait a day or five first. She turned in her tracks, not taking more than three steps away before she cursed herself and her cowardice and turned and walked with a new resolve to the porch.
The doorbell had been broken for years. She raised her left hand before putting it slowly down and knocking with her right instead. Starting off on the right foot was important. She wasn’t going to make her injuries the center of attention.
There was a minute or two of terrifying nothingness until she could hear someone inside coming towards the door. She briefly entertained the insane thought of just running away before the door could open, essentially ding-dong-ditching the parents of her best friend who she’d gotten killed, whose child she had left behind. Her stomach hurt. She stood her ground.
The door swung open suddenly, and she watched the man’s face go from casual joy to dazed shock the second he recognized her.
“Ellie?”
“Hi, sir,” she mumbled.
His response was slightly, awkwardly late: “Robin will do.” He scratched his head, staring up at her. “What, uh, what brings you here?”
“I’m looking for Dina?” It wasn’t meant to be a question. Why did she make that sound like a question? Her first conversation with a living human in months, and she was fucking it up royally. She hadn’t even fully met his eyes. She tried to make contact.
Nope, couldn’t do it.
“Come in,” he gestured, opening the door wider.
“Oh, I can wait here-”
“I insist. You look cold. When’s the last time you ate?”
A small part of her wanted to throw her arms around the small man and sob her gratitude for not forgetting about her or hating her, and another small part really, really wanted some of the pie she could now smell fully. She tamped that down, sectioning it off for later. She went inside out of courtesy, following him silently to the empty living room and sitting gently on the old couch.
“She’s in the kitchen with Jamie, I’ll get her.” So she was here. Ellie’s stomach really, really hurt now, and her fingers tingled with nervous energy. She started to tap out chords on her knee, stopping when she remembered they didn’t sound the same anymore. She bounced her leg instead.
The kitchen next door went totally silent, and then she could make out urgent, angry-sounding whispers. The room she was in was nearly the same as she remembered it. Same wallpaper, same shelves, same baby pictures with some new, some Jesse and some of her son. As she looked closer, small details of JJ were everywhere. His little train set on the table, baby books on the shelves, tiny socks left on the floor. She bit her lip to keep back tears when she saw a photo she didn’t recognize- JJ propped up on Dina’s shoulders, both grinning. He looked more like her now, she noticed- he had the same sort of freckles across his nose that Ellie remembered on Dina, that she remembered kissing in the summer sun- but he’d always had Jesse’s smile.
The door to the living room opened slowly and quietly, like Robin was afraid of spooking a small animal. Ellie felt sort of like a spooked animal. He didn’t enter, simply holding the door and nodding to someone on the other side.
And then Dina walked through the door, eyes glued to the floor. She looked up suddenly, and god, Ellie had never hated herself more than she did then. Dina was so beautiful, and her eyes were full of shock and sadness and then a pure, blazing anger she’d only seen on Dina once or twice before. Her dark hair was up like it had been in Seattle and she had an old sweater on, and she’d gotten flour on the front and the elbows, and for a millisecond it was like she’d never left. If she didn’t look at those burning eyes, she could almost pretend.
“You came back,” Dina said coolly, crossing her arms and holding her gaze, her face unreadable. Robin closes the door behind her.
“I came back.” Ellie was cowering under her stare. Why did she do this? God, she needed more time before trying to do this. “Can we talk? I mean, is that okay? Because it’s okay if it’s not-”
“Was it worth it?” Oh, god, that question was a trap. There was no good answer here. Yes, Dina, I left you and it was totally worth it, I tried to kill a woman who’d already forgiven me because I couldn’t fucking let it go and I barely know how to be a human being anymore. No, Dina, I left you and our fucking son for nothing because I couldn’t do it in the end, and you were right, and now I’m here to beg for you to take me back like I don’t understand the ways I hurt you.
“I made it to Santa Barbara,” she started, and Dina scoffed. She stepped a little closer nonetheless, her stare burning into Ellie. “They were there.”
“So you killed her. You got what you wanted.” She didn’t sound impressed. She didn’t sound upset. She kept her voice totally flat.
“No,” Ellie admitted. “I- I couldn’t. It wasn’t- I did the wrong thing.”
“No shit,” Dina interjected.
Ellie was silent, nodding. “I’m not going to pretend like I deserve anything from you, because I really don’t. I could spend my entire life making it up to you and it still would never be close to enough.”
“But?”
She flushed. “I want to apologize, for a start.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Dina exploded. “You’re gonna say sorry ? That’s why you’re fucking here? It won’t make it better, Ellie. You fucking left. I asked you if we- if I was enough to make you stay, and then you fucking left . Do you get that? Do you understand how shitty that is?”
“I understand,” she said quietly, voice breaking already.
“Then why the fuck are you in my house?” Her voice was dangerously low.
“You don’t have to forgive me, and I’ll never bother you again if you ask. I’ll fucking leave town if you tell me to.” The idea made her feel cold inside- never another chance to have a home here. Never another chance to see her potato, not even a glance if he passed by. Never another chance with Dina, although she supposed based on the way this conversation was going that that’s gone anyways. “The only thing I’m going to ask is for you to listen. I’ll leave you alone after that, I swear on my life.”
“Your life doesn’t mean very much to you lately, Ellie.” She was right.
“I swear on our son,” Ellie blurted out.
“My son. Not ours.” Dina shook her head. “Nothing’s ours anymore.”
“Okay.” The truth of it stung so bad she could almost feel it like a shrapnel wound in her chest, but she pressed on. She wouldn’t make Dina deal with her tears, too. That would be too much to ask anyone.
“When I left, I was sure I was doing what I had to,” she began. “Within the first three days I started to doubt that.”
“It took you days to figure that out? So me sobbing in our kitchen, begging you not to leave didn’t clue you in?” This was not going well.
“No, just- my point is, I realized how bad I fucked up, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and him, and- fuck. I thought this would help. I thought I would finally get closure or whatever. I didn’t, and I was so, so wrong.” The tears were burning her eyes, she had to hold them back, don’t let her cry right now in front of Dina, please . “I really did leave for nothing, I think I just needed time to realize that. I should’ve stayed, maybe I could’ve just worked through it alone, or with you if you wanted to help.”
“If I wanted to-” Dina whispered, wide-eyed and angry. “You can go through ‘maybe’s for years, Ellie, it still doesn’t mean shit.”
“I know. I just wanted you to know I recognize how much I hurt you and- and if I had the time back, I’d never have done it.” And the first tear slipped down her cheek. Fuck.
Dina was silent for a moment, still staring, until she walked over to Ellie, directly in front of her, close enough to touch, and Ellie’s heart jumped at the momentary possibility of forgiveness in whatever broken form Dina would be willing to give it before she spoke.
“I don’t really care, Ellie.” If she felt bad for crying in front of Dina, she felt like the worst person alive when she saw Dina doing the same. “I don’t care, okay? I’m done with you. You made your choice.”
“Dina, please,” she choked out, wiping at her eyes roughly, and then they were both talking at once.
Dina started to yell about how much it hurt and how you don’t even have to apologize to me because I won’t forgive you, try talking to the baby you left behind, and Ellie could do nothing but say she’s sorry over and over and over and tell Dina how bad she wants to go back and change everything and give her the love she deserved to have, wants her girl back, and Ellie must have fucked something up when she said that, forgotten who they are now, because that’s when Dina screamed at her.
“I’m not your girl! ” The house was completely silent except their loud breathing, and Dina was shaking with anger, staring Ellie down. “I’m not even yours,” she spat as she turned to leave. Her voice was broken and rough. Something in Ellie broke with it. “Get the fuck out of here. Stay in town, but if you come anywhere near me or my son I’ll fucking- just get out.”
The door shut and Ellie sat in a moment of shock and grief.
Then it hit her: she’s alone. She felt the terror and dread of it wash over her like the waves in Santa Barbara, like the Seattle rain, like Joel’s blood sprayed across the windows and his face, his fucking face is broken and she’s really alone now and it’s her fault, and she’s fucking spiraling again and-
She needs a drink.