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When Dean saw the spike in the wall, he knew. Somehow he always knew. It would be so easy to do it- convince Sam it was an accident. Let the thing in the wall go through his heart and break it more than it already was. He had been trying- he had been trying so hard to move on. He was applying for a job at an auto repair shop. He had his dog, he had Sam, and that should have been enough. It should have been enough that through all the fighting he had done and the people they had lost, Dean still had his baby brother and home.
And yet here he was, fighting monsters again like he was twenty-six and the events of the last fifteen years never happened. Dean had always told Sam he wanted to go down swinging, but it was never the whole truth. Most of the time when Dean said shit like that, it was because he just wanted to go down in general. He was an old man who had lost so much more than he ever gained… and maybe that was the problem. Maybe he was the problem.
But Cas…
Cas had been what Dean always wanted to be. He didn’t need anything- no booze, no sex, no… love- because he was bursting with it. All his life Dean had seen himself as the protector of Sam; that was his only job. Do whatever vile thing he had to in order for Sam to eat dinner. Take punch after punch from their father so Sam’s skin could stay clean. Cas had known him better than anyone ever could. Had known how he’d seen himself, even if (at the time) Dean didn’t even consciously recognize it. Cas had loved him so much that the simple act of saying so made him happier than Dean had ever been in his life.
And Dean looked at the spike coming out of the wall and thought- maybe this is my happiness. So that’s what he did. Dean Winchester, a hunter of Gods, said goodbye to his brother and died from a spike in the wall.
Dean wanted to go to heaven, of course. He’d been to hell before, that was something he’d rather not experience again. But what use was heaven if Cas wasn’t there with him? What was the point of dying anyway? Standing in the middle of that grass field, Dean felt foolish. Had he really thought, just because he was dead, he wouldn’t miss Cas? Wouldn’t remember the things he had said before being taken to the worst possible place? Dean didn’t even want to think about it. He didn’t know how to process it.
“At least I made it to heaven,” he reminded himself, because it could have been worse.
“Yep.”
It was Bobby- the real Bobby. Dean knew it was him. The man had been his real father, the one that gave him some form of love. The one that didn’t hit him and call him brutal things. He was relieved to see Bobby there, but why? Was this his heaven? Did Dean not even deserve a pseudo copy of Cas in his heaven? Dean had to swallow the tightness in his throat.
“What memory is this?” He asked because that was the only question he could muster.
“It ain’t ya idjit.”
“Yeah, it is,” that’s what heaven was. That’s what it had always been. And if this wasn’t a memory, what was it, “because the last I heard, you were in heaven’s lockup.”
“Was. Now I’m not,” Bobby said with this grin on his face like the punchline of the joke was on its way, “that kid of yours, before he went… wherever; made some changes here. Busted my ass out”
Dean didn’t dare get his hopes up. If Jack had reconstructed heaven, could that mean…
“And then he, well he set some things right. Tore down all the walls up here. Heaven ain’t just reliving your golden oldies anymore. It’s what it always should have been. Everyone happy. Everyone together.”
Everyone?
“Rufus lives about five miles that way with Aretha. Thought she’d have better taste. And your mom and dad- they got a place over yonder.”
Mom and Dad. His Mom and Dad. Dean had spent his whole life trying to escape the things his father had done to him. How his mother had betrayed him. They got to live in heaven and Cas didn’t? Anger began to brew in Dean’s stomach.
“This ain’t just heaven anymore Dean. It’s the heaven you deserve.”
Did Dean deserve a good heaven? The things he had done. The people he had hurt. Sure, he had saved the world, but did that really excuse everything else?
“And we’ve been waiting for you.”
We…
Dean’s heart skipped a beat. We. That word could mean so many things. Dean had said it so many times to so many people he cared about as a cop-out to saying “I”. “I” was too personal and too much of a commitment for Dean. It always had been. It didn't matter anymore, he thought bitterly, he was dead at last.
He was proud of Jack, though. The son of Lucifer he had put no faith into for no good reason. He was so much like Cas that it scared him. For Dean, getting close to someone as emotionally intense as Cas was dangerous. Jack was easy to blame for their problems, he was just a kid. In a moment of horrible irony, Dean realized he had treated Jack the same way John had treated him. Resentful that Mary was gone and taking out the anger on his son.
But Cas had told him with his whole heart that Dean was worth more than his mistakes. That he was capable of loving. He had to come to terms with that.
“Jack did this all by himself,” he said with pride.
“Well, Cas helped,” Bobby said with an expectant raise of his eyebrows.
Cas helped. Of course, he did. That angel with more love in his heart than any living man. Dean smiled and looked at his shoes, he knew what he had to do.
“It’s a big new world out there, you’ll see.”
Dean was beaming and he couldn’t control it. The beer was fresh and cold on his tongue as his teeth hit the glass. Cas was in heaven, and Dean was going to find him.
“Oh wow,” he says because it’s about time he said something he really felt, “this tastes like the first beer I ever had with my Dad.”
“Quality stuff.”
“No, it’s crap,” Dean laughed because maybe it was crap. Maybe what his Dad did to him was really just crap, “but it’s fantastic.”
“Just like this.”
“It’s almost perfect,” Dean said. He still had to do something. Still had someone to talk to.
“He’ll be along, time up here it’s- it’s different” and for a moment, Dean was confused. Then he realized Bobby was talking about Sam. Dean didn’t want Sam to join him for a long time. He wanted Sam to live a long life with Eileen on earth. There was eternity that they could spend together, maybe it was good for them to be apart for a while. He loved Sam, but he didn’t need to be with him at all times anymore. He had grown from that- was his own person now. He was Dean before a Winchester now.
“You got everything you could ever want or need or dream. So I guess the question is, what are you gonna do now, Dean?”
“I think I’ll go for a drive,” Dean said, and Bobby gave him a knowing look. He was going to find his angel. He always would.
A shit-eating grin was on his face when he stood and made his way to the impala. He couldn’t help but smile. The road was beautiful while he drove through thick groves of trees and passed the occasional home. He wondered how many people there were here, in Jack’s new heaven. Jack and Cas’s new heaven. Maybe, after Sam joined him, they could go get brunch with Bob Segar. What a thought.
Dean had no idea where he was driving, but he had a feeling it didn’t matter. Something told him he would get there anyway. After a while, he saw a sight that looked incredibly familiar. It was the entrance to the bunker.
He parked the car and didn’t bother stopping himself from running to the door. Dean was reminded of the phone call he received from Lucifer. He had run up those stairs two at a time because he thought it was Cas. Finally, he thought he would get the opportunity to make things right. Then it had turned out to be Lucifer, and he was sitting, broken, on the cement floor all over again.
He found Cas sitting alone in the library, legs crossed and book in his lap. Dean almost didn’t want to interrupt him, he looked so at peace. Cas, for the first time, got the peace he deserved.
“Cas?”
Slowly, Cas looked up from his book and turned to face Dean.
“Dean?”
“Yeah, it’s me,” Dean’s heart was pounding out of his chest. There was so much he wanted to say.
“What are you doing here?”
All his hope was crushed under a boot. Cas was angry at him, angry for not saving him. But Dean was done telling lies, so he told the truth, “I died.”
Cas’s face dropped, lines of pain etching their way across his skin. Tears welled in his eyes and Dean saw the bob of his throat swallow, “Dean… I wanted you to live .”
“I’m so sorry, Cas,” Dean looked at the floor, “I just-”
“I wanted you to grow old. I wanted you to have a family. You deserved to have that… what happened?”
His chest was getting tight, and Dean felt suddenly very stupid, “We went on a hunt.”
That got Cas to stand. He calmly walked across the floor and looked Dean straight in the eyes, “you…” his head tilted in that way that made his heart throb, “why?”
“It’s all I've ever known.”
“But, Dean, you’re so much more than just a hunter. Don’t you know that?”
“I…” Dean felt a tear slipping down his face, “I do now. Because of you.”
There were tears falling down Cas’s face too, God, what messes they were, “Oh, Dean.”
“How did you get out of- well…”
“Jack managed to pry me from my grace and bring me here to heaven, as a human.”
Cas was human.
“Are you good?” Dean asked. He knew it was a stupid question, but he asked it anyway and meant it more profoundly than it sounded.
Cas huffed out a laugh with a duck of his chin and warm smile, “I am disappointed that you did not get to live your life, Dean. That is not something that makes me ‘good’.”
“I’m sorry, Cas. I am. I just couldn’t… not. Not without you,” and the tears were streaming down his face now. The guilt of disappointing Cas. The relief of seeing him again. It was overwhelming. And because Cas was Cas, he reached forward with the most tender of gestures and wiped Dean’s tears away.
“It’s ok,” he said, voice firm but comforting.
“It’s not,” Dean sniffled, lending in slightly to Cas’s hand on his cheek, “I- I didn’t say anything when you… when-”
“You didn’t need to,” Cas said, pulling his hand away. Dean pressed his own hand on top of it so it would stay. He had missed Cas so much, he didn’t want to lose his touch ever again, “I was happy from just saying it.”
“But… how?”
“Because I love you, Dean. I love you for you, not for anything in return.”
Dean took a step closer to Cas and leaned their foreheads together, breath warm on his nose, “I’m not very good with words, Cas.”
“You don’t need to be.”
“But,” Dean twisted his head and pressed a kiss to Cas’s temple, “I want to be.” He could feel the heat of Cas’s skin- his human skin where he pressed the kiss. Dean could also tell that Cas was doing everything in his power not to move, “I want to be the man you think I am,” he twisted again and ghosted a kiss into his cheekbone, worn with wrinkles.
“Dean-”
“Shh,” Dean brought his hand up and cupped Cas’s face where he had pressed the kiss. He looked directly into his beautiful blue eyes, the ones that had taught him he was worth something, “Cas, I love you.”
A choked sob escaped his angel’s lips. A sob of relief, affection, like an elastic band constantly being stretched and snapping. Dean stopped second-guessing himself and kissed them too, weaving his hands in Cas’s hair and practically melting at how right it felt. Dean didn’t say words like that, but now that he had he couldn’t stop. It was releasing the floodgates and repression. This was freedom.
“I love you,” he mouthed into Cas’s neck, “I love you,” he whispered into his ear, taking his sweet time because they finally had forever. Cas was shaking under his touch, like each one of Dean’s words was fire.
“Dean,” he whimpered and broke away to bury his face into Dean’s shoulder.
“I love you so much, Cas. I thought for the longest time, hey, I’m just a man. A broken, ruined, shattered, man. The thought that an angel could love me . I thought it was impossible. I didn’t even know angels could feel. You said the one thing you wanted, you could never have- but Cas… I didn’t even know you were offering.”
“Angels don’t feel,” he said in a wet laugh, still running his hands over Dean’s shoulders and hair like he hadn’t been the one that had reconstructed every molecule, “At least, they’re not supposed to. You made me feel… you made me human.”
“We made each other human, Cas,” Dean smiled.
“You were always human, Dean. You just didn’t know how to be.”
And now he did. Now he could be.