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Adachi flinches when Kurosawa reaches out to touch him.
“Adachi,” Kurosawa says in a warm and soft voice. His hand lingers in the air for a bit longer than it should have before it gently falls down to his side. “I’m sorry. I should have waited. You aren’t ready. I’m sorry.”
Kurosawa moves away from the bed, turning his back away from Adachi, hands shaking a little as he buttons up his shirt. Adachi’s heart leaps into his chest, painfully so, like an asteroid falling to the ground. He hates that he is this way, so afraid of the slightest touches, so unused to the feeling of being loved and wanted, but most of all, he hates that he hurts Kurosawa every time they attempt to couple, to make love.
Unwanted tears wet his lashes. He wishes so badly that he is stronger, not so much of coward, that he can accept the simple acts of lovemaking. That he can accept his boyfriend’s touches, his kisses, without flinching, without feeling the need to hide deep within himself.
It isn’t like he doesn’t want to be touched, to be kissed, to make love; it’s just, he isn’t used to any of this. After going so many years without really touching or kissing anyone, of having very basic contact with anyone if any at all, he doesn’t know how to settle his nerves and convince himself that there is nothing wrong when Kurosawa’s lips is on his, when he holds Adachi closes, and cuddles with him.
But it isn’t easy. How he wishes it is. In his heart, he knows that Kurosawa would never look down on his fear on intimacy, and will always respect his wishes. Yet there are times when Adachi feels like Kurosawa is always sacrificing his own wants and needs for those of Adachi’s.
It shouldn’t be like this. They should be like any other couple by now. Kissing and touching each other without a care in the world.
Adachi swallows painfully. There’s a big lump in his throat. It feels as if a very painful lodge is stuck deep down there, trying to shatter his heart. “Kurosawa,” he begins, breathing heavily. “I…I—I’m sorry,” and that is all he could manage to say. Words have escaped his lips like the sun disappearing beneath the sky in the night.
“Adachi,” Kurosawa says, turning around. He gives Adachi a small smile, one that makes his eyes sparkle like the twinkling of a falling star. “Why are you apologizing? There’s nothing for you to apologize for. It’s alright. I love you. I don’t need to—”
“No, no, no,” Adachi starts talking, his words coming out scrambled. “I’m sorry. Forgive me, Kurosawa. You…deserve better.” The lump sinks down farther down his throat. “I’m sorry. I can’t give you what you want. I’m sorry.”
Carefully, Kurosawa moves closer to Adachi, closing the bridge between them. Searching Adachi’s face, he reaches over, and wipes the tears off Adachi’s face. He smiles again. “Adachi, it’s okay. I’m okay with never making love…” He pauses and Adachi can hear his thoughts, as loud as the day, I shouldn’t have pressured him. He is hurt because of me. I’m okay with just being with him, like this, loving and caring for him. I don’t need anything else from him. “Please don’t ever feel like you need to do anything for my sake. I love you and knowing that you love me back, and allow me to have a part in your life and heart, that’s all I need. I love you, Adachi, and nothing is ever going to change that.”
“Kurosawa.” Adachi closes his eyes. “I want it.” He opens his eyes and locks gaze with Kurosawa. “To, uh, yeah, um, make love. But I’ve… never… it’s all… I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this. A coward who can’t help but flinch anytime you try to make love to him. A coward who doesn’t know how to express his feelings. A coward who only gets with you… because he became a magic user. I’m sorry. I’ve invaded your thoughts, read your most private thoughts, and still….” He gulps nervously. “—you chose to be with me.”
Kurosawa trails his fingers down Adachi’s cheeks, and for the first time, Adachi finds himself leaning back into the touch, without the need to leave and run, so that the room wouldn’t swallow him up whole.
“You think too lowly of yourself.” Kurosawa smiles again. “I love you, not only because you’re so cute, but because you care so deeply for others. That you’re able to see the real me, see beneath my looks, and appreciate me for who I am. I don’t need to have sex with you to love you. Just watching you be yourself, that’s enough for me. I love the face you make, so in-awe, when I cook for you. Like you’re in another world. I love how even though you don’t like touching, you let me cuddle with you. I love when you tiptoe every morning and kiss me on the cheeks before we leave to work. I love that you try so hard to initiate contact on my behalf, but I don’t need it. All I need is you. Your smiles, your blushes, your laughters, your cries… everything that makes you you.”
“Kurosawa.” He bites his lower lips nervously. “Thank you. I… I don’t deserve this, any of it, but I… thank you.”
“Adachi,” he says, bringing Adachi’s face closer, so their foreheads could touch, but instead of pressing them together, he let the space remain between them. “I love you. Please don’t ever so think so lowly of yourself. You’re a special man, and I’m very lucky to have you in my life. I don’t care if you being a magic user is what brought us together in the first place. I’m glad it did because not having you in my life, I can’t imagine a world where you aren’t by my side. I’ll never let you go as long as you will have me.”
Adachi nods. “Thank you,” is the only word to leave his lips. “I’ll try my best to make you not regret for choosing me, Kurosawa.”
“I’ll never regret loving you.”
Adachi smiles, his eyes brightening up, as he decides to take the first step, and close the distance between him. The moment his lips touch Kurosawa’s — Kurosawa’s eyes widen in shock but gradually he eases into the kiss, not before asking if Adachi was truly okay with this — his nerves tell him to run, but he pays no attention to them, and enjoy the kiss. The touch of his very being being engulfed into Kurosawa’s one. They gradually fall back on the bed, but all they did was kiss, and nothing more. And for the first time in his life, Adachi doesn’t feel like he is being shoved into a dark, endless pit surrounded by hands reaching out to drown him.
“Thank you,” he whispers against Kurosawa's lips, smiling.
“No need to thank me,” Kurosawa replies, smiling right back at him.
Adachi wraps his arms around Kurosawa’s waist, hesitantly at first but he slowly eases into it, and soon, all his problems disappear like that, and he finds himself in a deep, peaceful slumber dreaming of cherry blossoms, butterflies, and Kurosawa’s smiling face.
Kurosawa chuckles a little as he takes in Adachi’s sleeping face. He brings his hand down to Adachi’s face, stroking his cheeks gently, and then removing it knowing that Adachi’s still unused to this, and of course, knows that even though Adachi never complains, the voices sometimes get too much for him to bear. Being able to read other people isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, after all.
“I don’t know what I’d have done if you weren’t in my life, Adachi,” Kurosawa says, watching the stars twinkling coming from the half-opened shutters from their windows. And soon, he, too, falls asleep, a smile on his lips.