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Aster really thought, at first, that they'd fall back in love as though they had never really fallen out of love to begin with. That meeting in the coffee shop had let her hope so.
But reality, she was quick to find, was a bit more complex.
Falling in love with Ellie Chu the first time had been a complicated thing. She'd been adrift, not so sure of her path. Torn between wanting to give in to the simple, already-made life she was supposed to have and a desire for boldness and freedom her conversations with Paul - but Ellie, actually - had ignited. She'd been more in love with the idea of running away that she'd been with anything else, really.
So yes, maybe some part of her had been drawn to Ellie. Maybe some part of her had always known the truth, even though denial had been the easiest way and the one she'd happily wallowed in. Maybe she'd always seen Ellie, bright and powerful, a tangible beacon of hope and unknown, long before she dared to speak to her. And maybe, maybe that kiss had been an earth-shattering, heart-breaking realisation.
But for the most part, she'd refused to see what was right in front if her. She'd refused to acknowledge the possibilities, to let herself feel how Ellie could have made her feel until there was a couple of weeks left of school and it was too late to build anything. She had been terrified this whole time and had let herself bury this, all of this space and time they could have had together, before it could even begin to exist. And by the time she'd thought about digging it up it'd been too late already. Paul had been the one writing the letters, she had not broken up with her boyfriend and Ellie had not understood why she so suddenly wanted to be friends, right as high school ended.
She'd fallen in love with the idea of what Ellie could have been. A path to freedom— to her own truth.
Only much later had she understood she was the only one who could speak it for herself, people and events simply being a catalyst for her own awakening.
So yes, falling in love with Ellie the first time had been complicated. She'd never known if it was love she was feeling— had never let herself think of that possibility until that kiss, and by then it'd been too late, the kiss more of a goodbye to what could have been than anything else.
Falling in love with Ellie Chu the second time had been another matter altogether.
Yet, Aster found, not the less complicated.
The Ellie she met again was not the same person at all. She was brash and confident, more self-assured. She breathed strength and stability in a way that let Aster a little bit breathless.
When they'd been teenagers Aster was the one leading. She was the one who appeared confident (even though she was not), the one who was in control (even though she hadn't been) and who had her life together (even though she had been falling, falling, falling). It had been easy then to know Ellie liked her: she got flustered and shy, didn't know what to do or say at first. Only from time to time her more upfront, bold side would emerge and she would say or do something that would swipe Aster off her feet.
Now though? Now Ellie was steady and strong and Aster was losing her balance everytime she was near her. Now she made her feel as though her layers were being peeled away for anyone to see and her truth spoken of and acknowledged. Now she was the one doing the leading, with her crooked smile and short wild hair and that air of confident self-realisation she had about her.
Aster followed with a wry smile and a raised eyebrow, trying to learn that person anew.
And so she fell in love with twenty-six years old Ellie Chu as she did so.
But twenty-six years old Ellie Chu did not fall in love with twenty-six years old Aster Flores the way she maybe could have eight years before.
Twenty-six years old Ellie did not pine and she did not stare helplessly, her heart obviously crying for Aster to notice her without realising that Aster had been noticing, this whole time, had been cataloging every crease in her brow every variation in her tone every smiles that dared reach her lips and had asked her to notice her, too, the way nobody else had.
Twenty-six years old Ellie had invited her and Noah - whom Aster had talked extensively about and she’d wanted to meet - to a party with her friends from college and had introduced her to Daniela, a twenty-eight years old PhD student in political sciences at the University of Columbia. She’d introduced her to Daniela, whom she’d been dating for the past three years. Daniela was smart and fiery and committed and alive in a way Aster knew she couldn’t be. She talked about the history of voters suppression in the United States and its link to slavery and classism like she was born fighting this system and with a look in her eyes like she was ready to march on the White House at any moment. She talked extensively about next year’s elections and of the ways they could organise so that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez could be elected president and when she did so you listened and you believed. She had big dreams and an even bigger will to fight for them.
Aster had none of those things. Or maybe she had, but in a quiet, unnoticeable way.
And so Ellie did it again. Noticing her. Just not in the way Aster wanted her to.
It was okay, though. Aster was glad they got the chance to learn each other again after that impromptu meeting in the gallery. She was glad she had the chance to cross path with the woman who had changed her life again, to have shared looks and touches throughout that first hopefully-a-date-but-not-a-date-in-the-end in that coffee shop almost six months earlier, before they left with a heavy goodbye and settled on learning to know the other gingerly, prudently. She was happy to have been seen by Ellie again and to have been deemed someone worthy to create a bond with again, even though she was still a mess and her life was a perpetual thin line between quiet and chaos.
They'd seen each other two weeks after that first coffee and it had been hesitant, almost reluctant. As they spoke and shared and caught up it had gotten easier, but the unease had never quite left Aster. And she'd wondered then if maybe she hadn't hoped for too much. She’d wondered if she hadn't set them for failure by thinking they could find what they could have had again.
And so she'd accepted that it was best for the both of them to start anew, even if it meant having to let go of Ellie a second time. Ellie had not chosen her and would not chose her this time either. And it was okay. As long as Ellie was happy it was more than okay.
She was glad to have her in her life. To have a second chance at building something. Ellie wanted to build it on something other than romantic love, and Aster did not complain. She simply followed.
It might hurt, but Aster had hurt and been hurt before.
What was it Ellie had said? That love was messy and horrible and selfish and bold? Aster had been all of those things before and she'd been with people who'd been all of those things before and she was starting to realise it was not what she wanted for her and Ellie even though maybe they could be all of those things for each other, if they chose to.
Aster did not want to make that choice.
She wanted something quiet and peaceful. Uncomplicated. She needed it more than she needed the taste of Ellie's lips, the curves of her body or the sound of her heavy breathing as they lay in bed together.
Not that she couldn't dream about it, though.
Not that she could help herself if, in the stillness of sleepless nights, she let her mind wander to Ellie, to her sharp, soul-searching gaze, her soft lips and tender skin— the way it looked, alive and enticing, right above the collar of her shirt.
**
"Shit. Shit shit shit shit."
Aster was late. She could not afford to be late.
Her last exhibit had been over for two months and she was finally getting another shot at an even bigger, better-known one. She had gotten the call last week and they'd told her she was one of the two artists they wanted to exhibit— the question being, which one.
If she sold enough paintings this time around it would be her shot at opening her own art gallery. Her dream could come true in less than three years if she worked for it— if she showed them she wanted this more than anything else.
But she was late.
Fucking insomnia. Fucking New York subway. Fucking—
Nevermind. She could not blame anyone but herself. She'd always been her worst enemy, after all. The first one to throw a wrench in her own work.
She barged out of the subway station and started running. She had five minutes to make a twelve minutes walk and look presentable before entering the building.
She knew she probably wouldn't make it.
"Come on. Come on" she whispered to herself. Probably a bad idea, considering she was running in heels with an enormous portfolio at her side and was already out of breath.
She had to make it. She had to. She needed the job and the opportunity. More than that, she needed to prove that she could make it. She needed to be a person people looked at and knew she had made something of herself.
Her life had been a succession of failures, uncertainties and resigned choices. Her art would not be a reflection of herself, she’d decided, but a reflection of who she wanted to be.
She turned left and almost ran into a group of tourists. She barely avoided them, jumping on the pavement, got honked at by a taxi coming her way and crossed the street as the light barely turned green. She took a right turn and there it was, three buildings away: the gallery.
She had less than a minute to reach it.
“Hello!” she let out, out of breath, as she entered the wide room. It gave the impression to be smaller than the previous gallery her art had been exposed in but that was probably because of the mezzanine towering over her, the stair barely visible behind half-walls which served to expose the art. She figured the place was maybe designed to hold two expositions at once— or maybe they expected their artists to offer a large variety of art pieces; in which case she’d have to work her ass off in order to meet their standards and be ready in time.
“Miss Flores, I suppose?” said a woman coming from a side door she hadn’t seen, concealed as it was in the white wall. “I’m Mrs Weinberg, the owner of the gallery. It’s a pleasure to meet you” she added, offering her hand to shake. Aster tried to compose herself as best as she could and did so.
“Mrs Weinberg. It’s an honour to meet you. Thank you for the opportunity” she said, still breathing hard. Goddammit she thought. She was not making a great first impression.
The older woman gave her a small half-smile. “Subway trouble, huh? Let’s wait here for a minute shall we, let you catch your breath.”
Aster’s eyes widened slightly in astonishment. “I— yes, alright.”
“Don’t look so surprised, darling. I was not always able to navigate this city in a taxi myself. My family came here in the 1930s and I spent my whole life in Borough Park, you know.”
Aster nodded. “Yes, off course. I apologise. It’s simply that people are rarely this understanding when it comes to arriving late and out of breath for a work interview.”
Mrs Weinberg brushed her words aside. “Well, lucky for you, I am not one of those people. Follow me please” she said, walking toward the door she’d come from. “As you can see the gallery is composed of a ground floor and a mezzanine” she explained as she unlocked the door. “We usually plan exhibits for artists with a collection important enough to fill the whole space, but we can make exceptions for more renowned artists the paintings of whom we know will sell quickly and for a high price” she enlarged on.
Not her, then, Aster deduced. She’d definitely have to work twice as hard if they accepted her application.
“I understand” she said, for lack of a better answer. Mrs Weinberg took her through a small corridor and into a room that probably served as a meeting room when interviews weren’t being held.
“Please do sit down” Mrs Weinberg told her, and she did as she was told. “Tea? Coffee?” she asked, pouring herself a cup of black coffee and adding nothing to it before putting it on the table.
Aster shook her head. “No, thank you” she said with a smile. Chances were she’d spill it all over her portfolio. Also, she’d never quite managed to accept that kind of offer during an interview. She’d always felt as though it was a test— as though the person was analysing whether or not she was the type of person who took more than she could claim.
“So, Aster Flores, tell me. Why should we expose your art?”
Why should they?
Aster had been ready for this question. It was the question they almost always asked, if not that boldly. So she put on her most charming smile and took a deep breath, ready to give her her well-rounded speech.
But then her gaze met Mrs Weinberg’s and she felt her certainty waver. She thought— why do I want them to expose my art? and then the answer wasn’t so easy anymore.
She thought back on why she’d been drawn to painting so early on and on why she’d never let go of that one dream and on why it’d been the only thing carrying her for so long and through so much and on why, above everything else, she never gave up on this even though she gave up so easily on everything else.
And so she did something she never did usually.
She let her heart speak her truth.
“Listen. I know you’ve probably met thousands of artists in your life, some bad, other talented, some successful, other not, the two not necessarily correlating. I know you partly see my paintings as a product to sell, because your gallery is a business and that’s the world we live in and so you want to know: what’s in it for me? But I also know that if I’m here today it’s because when you saw my painting you felt something. You felt something pure and you felt something true and you felt something unique. And that’s why I paint, alright? That’s why I draw. Because throughout my whole life it’s the only thing that has been making any kind of sense. Because throughout my whole life it’s the only way I’ve ever been able to connect with people. Through my art. And I think you know as much as I do that connecting is what we’re all looking for in the end. Otherwise you wouldn’t appreciate art. Otherwise you wouldn’t have dedicated your life to it. Otherwise you wouldn’t be living in New York City, in this city where loneliness is so tangible it leaves a bitter taste in our mouths and you wouldn’t be trying to fight off this feeling. Because that’s what art does for me, in the end. Fighting the bitter taste and uncertainty. It gives me power and it gives me strength and that’s what I want to carry out. My art is my gift to the world. It’s a way for me to say: ‘I know you feel alone and empty sometimes but I believe we can go through this, because we share that pain and we feel it and if we don’t connect with it we lose what makes us human. Let me help you connect with it. Let me help you look for it and find it’.”
She stopped there, catching her breath. She felt exhilarated, in a way, like she did when she used to lie on the rooftop of her college dorm, high on ecstasy, looking at the patterns in the sky and seeing herself through the bigger picture— seeing herself connecting to something much bigger than herself.
She wondered if Mrs Weinberg could see it in her eyes, feel it in her voice, in a way that could only be seen in her paintings, usually.
“Well, Miss Flores. It is both sad and wonderful that it’s been such a long time since I’ve heard someone speak so honestly and openly of their own art. I have to say, it is refreshing” she said, standing up and offering Aster her hand, that she took to shake. “I think we will do great things together.”
Aster’s heart stopped beating for a beat. She smiled then, a smile she hadn’t really been able to feel in a longtime. “I won’t disappoint you, Mrs Weinberg.”
The older woman raised an eyebrow. “I know you won’t.”
**
“CONGRATS ON ASTER FUCKING FLORES WHO ACED HER INTERVIEW AND IS ON HER WAY TO BECOME THE BADEST, BIGGEST, BOLDEST PAINTER OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY! AND WE SHOUT ‘YEAH’! AND WE SHOUT ‘YEAH FLORES’! YOU FUCKING DID IT, GIRL!” Noah yelled at the top of his lungs, popping open a bottle of champagne and raising it in the air, almost spilling some on their friend Malik in the process, as people cheered loudly.
Aster laughed, shaking her head at his antics. Her eyes were glimmering with the glint of those whose dream is merging with reality.
Noah jumped off the chair he was standing on, bottle of champagne still in his hand, his grin so big it could have lit up the MOMA by itself. He trusted the bottle at Malik's chest, punching the breath out of him with the force of it.
"Pour it would you, darling" he said almost absentmindedly to the other man, who was staring at him in awe and astonishment, before turning to Aster and taking her into a breathtaking embrace. "I love you" he whispered, only for her to hear, "and I'm so proud of you. You deserve this. I don't know anyone who deserves it more than you do. And you better believe me when I say that, you insanely, amazingly talented asshole."
He broke the hug and stared at her for a moment, his hands solid and reassuring on her shoulders. Tears were welling up in his eyes and she could feel her own start to prickle, but the moment was broken when someone shouted 'the champagne is served bitches!' and everyone cheered.
"To Aster!" Noah yelled once again, taking the glass that was offered to him, his gaze never leaving her face, "to an amazing woman, friend, and artist, whom I know will be heard of and praised across the oceans and moors!" he added, raising his glass in the air.
Their dozen or so friends who had come to congratulate her on getting the exhibit all raised their glass in the air as well. "To Aster!" they shouted chorally, and this time Aster felt herself become teary eyed.
"A speech, a speech!" Irène cried out, winking at her.
The painter shot daggers at her friend. "No. No way. Irène no!" she protested, laughing and grinning, as her and Noah dragged her by the arms to the chair he'd been standing on a moment earlier and gently pushed her so she would climb on it. She did so, still protesting and grinning. She felt silent as she looked at all the people she cared about reunited under her roof and staring at her proudly and expectantly. Her gaze last fell on Ellie (she was there, she had come, oh my god she was there, she had come), who nodded imperceptibly.
Aster felt her heart fill with calmness and certainty. It's okay, Ellie's gaze was saying, I believe in you.
Now you have to believe in yourself, a voice that sounded suspiciously like her best friend told her.
She cleared her throat and everyone cheered, making her burst into laughter. “Holy shit, wait before you cheer, I haven't even started yet!" she exclaimed, which made everyone laugh heartily.
"I'm no— I'm no good with words, as you must all have noticed by now. My language is made of colours and strokes and unspoken nuances not everyone is capable to or willing to understand". She gulped, sobering up. “But, you… I haven't met all of you at the same time. Each and everyone of you I can link to a specific time in my life, a different step I had to take. But what you all have in common is that the moment you decided I deserved to be in your life your faith in me never wavered. Like, you never stopped believing in me and supporting me even in the moments when I myself couldn't do it— and you know how numerous those moments were" she joked, earning herself small laughs and sad smiles. "You never stopped carrying me through them. You never gave up on me. Noah— Jeez Noah, I don't got to tell you how much you did for me. Like, you’ve been a beacon of hope since the moment you started talking to me at our school’s LGBT meeting. I was almost shitting myself with stress and you just came over to me, basically called me a moody bitch, and it was the start of the great love story we all know" she grinned, earning herself another set of laughters. “And, like, before you can protest and say 'you did it all by yourself', because I can see you shaking your head and preparing yourself to be confrontational as always, yes, I know, I did it myself in the end. But damn weren't you the companion that carried me the whole way. You're the Sam to my Frodo, you little fucker. I love you."
She raised her glass, and everyone cheered. Noah wiped his eyes. "You're gonna ruin my make-up with your feelings, you idiot" he grumbled, pretending to scowl. But he couldn't hide the pride and happiness that was gleaming in his eyes, and that was all Aster needed to get down and take him into her arms, bursting into tears.
Later that night, she was chatting with Irène and her other friends from art school when she caught Ellie making her way to the exit from the corner of her eyes. She apologised herself and hurried up to her.
“Ellie!” she exclaimed to catch her attention, as the other woman just finished putting on her shoes. She raised her head, looking at her expectantly. “Are you leaving?”
Ellie got up and nodded. “Yeah. Daniela, hum… She’s waiting for me home right now. I was gonna look for you before I left and say goodbye then be on my way.”
Aster nodded as silence settled between them. Ellie shuffled on her feet, looking as though there was something she wanted to tell her. “I’m— thank you for inviting me, Aster” she told her eventually, smiling softly.
“Come on Ellie, how could I not? I’m glad you came.”
A moment passed and Aster felt herself reach out in a way she usually didn’t dare to.
“Are you okay, though? You look like something’s troubling you.”
Ellie grimaced and shrugged. “Nothing major, don’t worry about it. But thanks for asking” she replied. “I should really go, though” she added and turned toward the door.
“Ellie, wait” Aster said, grabbing her arm without thinking. Ellie froze and she instantly let go. “Sorry.”
The short-haired woman shook her head. “Don’t apologise. You just surprised me, that’s all.”
She turned towards Aster again and their eyes met. Ellie’s were deep and unreadable, a mystery of its own Aster had yet to decipher. She tilted her head, waiting for Aster to speak up. “You were saying?”
Aster blushed and ran a hand through her hair, thoroughly embarrassed now. “I just wanted to say— I’m here if you need it, alright? I know we’ve had a rocky history but we have each other now. I’m not going anywhere. And— you can trust me. If you want, I mean. I’m not forcing you to do anything. Obviously.”
Damn her awkwardness. She didn’t used to be this awkward. She was not this awkward, actually. What was it with Ellie Chu that made her feel so unhinged all the time? What was it with her that made her feel like she was perpetually walking on a thread hanging over a precipice when she talked to her?
She felt so unsettled and unbalanced and wondered if that’s what love was supposed to be like.
She’d known destructive passion and forgiving love. She’d known angry kisses and soothing touches. But she wasn’t sure what to make of this. This uncertainty.
Ellie bit her bottom lip, clearly trying to hide her amusement. Aster groaned. “Shut up, Chu.”
The younger woman burst into laughter, obviously startled by Aster’s outburst. “I haven’t said anything.”
Aster tried to look angry but failed miserably. “Your eyes say it all” she answered, unable to hide the half-smile that had made her way to her lips.
Ellie’s gaze met hers again. “I always forget how good you are at reading what my eyes are saying.”
Time slowed as Ellie seemed to realise what she’d just said. Aster watched as the blush crept to her cheeks and she adverted her gaze, at a loss for what to say next.
Aster wanted to tell her that no, she wasn’t. She wasn’t, not when Ellie was looking at her like that but had a girlfriend. She wasn’t, not when Ellie had kissed her and then hadn’t reach out to her in eight years. She wasn’t, not when she was a mess and Ellie deserved things she could never offer her.
She was lost when it came to Ellie and had always been.
“Well it’s not hard to see when you’re being an annoying asshole” she teased, an attempt at lifting the heavy weight towering over them.
Ellie grinned, that small grin she used to give her when they were younger. Aster’s heart missed a beat. “Hey. At least I speak for myself now.”
Aster nodded. “Yeah” she muttered breathlessly.
Once again, they stayed facing each other silently a moment too long.
“I should really go” Ellie said eventually. “See you soon?” she asked hopefully.
“Yeah” Aster replied. She opened her arms, and let Ellie bury herself into them. And if there was longing there, well, nobody else had to know.
**
The bar was more than crowded when Aster entered and she groaned. She hadn’t really wanted to go out but Noah had insisted and she hadn’t seen Irène and their other friends in over a month.
“Oh, before I forget” Noah said as they pushed through the mass of people, “some PhD students from Columbia are gonna be there, since Irène started dating Dee and they’re doing their thesis there, you know.”
“Oh, okay” Aster answered at first. She then squinted her eyes suspiciously. “What do you mean some PhD students—"
But she didn’t need to finish her sentence before getting her answer. They finally made it through the crowd and Aster saw, exactly, what Noah meant.
Daniela Echevez was sitting there, nodding seriously at something Malik was saying, her arm around Ellie’s shoulders. Aster felt her heart fall at the bottom of her stomach.
“Huh” she said, for lack of a better word. “Noah, I’m not sure—”
“No” he told her before she could express her thoughts more thoroughly.
“What do you mean, ‘No’. I haven’t even said anything yet.”
Noah turned around, taking both of her hands in his. “I don’t need you to say it to know what you’re thinking, Flores”. He squeezed her hands reassuringly. “So it didn’t work out with Ellie. Mind you, I still think she hasn’t been fully honest with you—”
“Noah, we’ve been over this already. She didn’t promise me anything and at no point did she do anything inappropriate or that showed overt interest. She was friendly at best while taking into account our history and—”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. She’s an angel and you love her. My point being— she’s not available. You need to move on. You’re blooming professionally and now my goal is to have you bloom personally. That means you getting the happiness you fucking deserve.”
“But I am happy.”
Noah rolled his eyes. “Ugh. You’re so annoying. You know what I mean. Now stop pining. I want to introduce you to Dee’s friend.”
“Noah Spencer, are you setting me up?”
Noah just winked at her and resumed walking toward their group of friends. “Hi everyone! Make room for the sexiest of us please! And by that I mean me, obviously, not the brooding, tortured artist over there.”
Aster made her way over, rolling her eyes at his antics. “Sorry everyone, Noah ate too much candies and he’s on a sugar high, don’t listen to anything he says. How’s everyone?” she said, sitting down on the last seat available, right across Ellie and Daniela. Great.
Ellie gave her a small smile and Daniela nodded in greetings. Everyone else shouted varied versions of hello and the conversations resumed.
“Aster, meet Sophie. Sophie, meet Aster. She’s the best friend I told you about.”
Fuck. Aster had almost forgotten Noah Spencer was trying to set her up.
“Hi, Aster.”
Fuck. Aster was going to kill Noah Spencer.
Sophie was cute. She was really cute. Brown curly hair, sparkling chocolate eyes, a full mouth and a crooked nose, an air of defiance to her, the kind of lesbian you’d take for a fuckboy if it weren’t for the soft, sweet smile she gave you that shattered the cold, distant vibe they gave off at first. She was broad and strong, the kind of person you knew would not back down from a fight.
Aster had a thing for fighters.
She put on her best smile, kicked Noah in the shin, earning herself a death stare, and leaned imperceptibly toward the other woman. “Hi, Sophie. I hope Noah hasn’t been saying too many bad things about me” she grinned, resting her chin on her hand.
The curly-haired person grinned back, leaning in instinctively as well. “Really not. Only words of admiration and love. He drew quite the portrait, I have to say.”
Aster raised an eyebrow at that. “Oh, I see. Nice one.”
Sophie dropped her head sheepishly before looking at her from behind her eyelids. “Yeah, I thought so too.”
“So, are you a PhD student too? What field?”
She hadn’t talked to someone new in a while. She felt kind of out of her depths, but there was an easiness in talking to Sophie she hadn’t felt in a while.
Hadn’t felt this way since that fated day in the coffee shop with Ellie, really— but she wasn’t about to get into that.
They were talking about Aster’s current exhibit - Sophie had heard about it from Noah and had admitted that she hadn’t cared enough to see it, art never really having been her thing - when the young painter felt the weight of someone’s gaze rest heavy on her. She looked up right as Ellie adverted her eyes and laughed quietly at something Noah had just said. Aster waited for a beat, watching her intently. Ellie must have felt it because she lifted her eyes until they were meeting Aster’s and they stared silently at each other for what could have been an eternity but probably were mere seconds.
“Sophie, have you met Ellie?” Aster asked out of the blue, her gaze never leaving Ellie’s.
Sophie frowned in confusion, probably surprised by the sudden change in topic. “Can’t say that I have, no, even though we go to the same university. You’re a PhD student in literature, right, Ellie? Our research labs aren’t in the same building at all.”
Ellie gave her a polite nod and shifted enough that Daniela’s arm slid off her shoulders. The older woman’s expression clearly darkened at this, but she said nothing as the conversations carried out by the rest of the table came to a halt. “Yes, I am. Political sciences, just like Dee and Daniela, right? Dee has mentioned you before. Weren’t you in the Stonewall protest’s organisation last year though? Your face looks familiar.”
Sophie’s face lit up at that. “Yeah exactly! Was in charge of socials, cause I’m the only one of those millennials who knows how TikTok works” she joked. “Were you at the march?”
Ellie shook her head. “Couldn’t make it, had to head back home. But you were, Aster, weren’t you?”
Aster nodded. “Yeah, we went together with Noah, Irène, and a bunch of friends from art school. Got shitfaced at Irène’s place afterwards and went clubbing, remember? Noah made out with at least five different people in the span of three hours” she chuckled, winking at her best friends.
The blond man shrugged good-heartedly from where he was leaning against the sofa. “What can I say. I am irresistible to lesbians and gays alike and queer people love me.”
Dee raised a dubious eyebrow. “Lesbians and gays? I’m impressed. I can barely get other non-binary people to look at me, let alone cis men and women.”
Noah laughed, but it was bittersweet. “Yeah, I know the struggle. The trick is dressing in a way you’ll either look like a soft butch or a twink from afar, and then when they get closer and realise you’re neither, it’s too late cause they already want you.”
Sophie bit her lips, looking almost distraught. “That fucking sucks, honestly. We shouldn’t have to pretend to be anything you know? I get cis straight people wanting to label us and fit us into their preconceive ideas of gender but gay people? I’m always disappointed when I realise they won’t see me as anything else than a butch woman. I mean, I am a butch woman, sure. But my identity is also so much more complex than that? And it just fucking sucks that people don’t want to acknowledge it.”
“But isn’t that the problem of identity politics in itself, though?” Daniela cut in. “We expect the norm to stop defining us but at the same time we keep on creating new words and new categories to fit in. I’m not saying it isn’t important for sexualities and genders all across those spectrums to be represented but we should aim to destroy categories, not reinforce them.”
“Yeah, see? I disagree with that” Aster pipped up to her own surprise. Noah leaned closer to the table, his interest in the conversation clearly having gone up a hundred per cent at the prospect of a battle of wits between Daniela and Aster. She could have slapped him. "Like, I wouldn’t have found myself if I hadn’t found the words for it and I think almost every queer kid wouldn’t have come to find their true self if the word for it hadn’t existed. Yeah, sure, there are a dozen more words than there used to be to describe sexuality and gender. But I think it strengthens our fight rather than weakens it. I mean, when you see how Sylvia Rivera’s own gender fluidity and Marsha P. Johnson's bisexuality were erased from our own history you have to wonder if ‘gay’ is enough. It’s like we discover the diversity of gender and sexuality every ten years and then we look around and realise, our elders knew it, too. We didn’t discover it. And I think we have to have enough words to describe all of the nuances of gender and sexuality. Otherwise they get painted over by a stronger, more prominent, more often used one and they fade into it until you can’t see them anymore. I mean, it’s like painting, really. Like, you need all the nuances of green you can get otherwise your forest isn’t a forest, just a vague, hazy imitation of one.”
Ellie nodded. "I agree. Coming from a small town especially, without words and visible, outspoken representation in the media I think it would probably have taken much longer not only to figure myself out but accept myself. It's different when you're raised in a space where you don't really get to ask yourself those questions until much later, on top of having to admit to yourself that you're asking yourself those vert questions, that you differ from the norm. I needed those words to understand myself and I still need them to understand where I stand in our community and where we stand in relation to the people who came before us and those who will come after."
"Off course words are important now, it's not what I'm saying" Daniela answered lively, her whole body tense with passion and conviction. "What I'm saying is; we can't make it our goal as a political movement otherwise heteronormativity wins. It's their norms that are forcing us to define ourselves, to speak the abnormality into existence. And having words like straight or cis to define the norms can be an alternative for that for now but in the long run it's not were the real endgame is."
Aster felt herself getting angry without really knowing why. Maybe it was the way Daniela spoke with the words of someone who had an academic background to back it up. Maybe it was the way she was smiling softly at Ellie but eyeing her warily, almost confrontational. "That's nice and all, in theory. But what about the real, lost queer people out there who are suffering and don't have ten years of academical queer theory knowledge to help them, huh? Like, not everyone was lucky enough to be born in an environment where you get to see and hear queer people. The only other queer person I'd ever met until I was almost nineteen was Ellie and neither of us was out until the very end, so. Like, I didn't get to figure myself out until I was almost twenty partly because I didn't even have the words to figure myself out. I grew up in a world where the first ideas that came to your mind about those things were 'weird', 'disgusting' and 'unnatural'. And without anyone openly telling me being queer is a sin, alright. I was six years old the first time I saw a gay man on television. Like, those were my first thoughts and nobody had to tell me anything for me to think them. Getting over that trauma and taboo alone took me years mainly because I didn't have any other words to think about that."
Daniela threw her a deadly glare. "Don't talk like you know what I've been through. Just because I grew up in NYC don't mean I had it easy."
Ellie put a soothing hand on Daniela's hand. "That's not what she meant, Dani. Just, your experience is different from ours."
Daniela scoffed bitterly. "Off course you'd take her side in this."
The general mood shifted. Sophie and Dee's eyes widened in shock and Aster saw Noah mouth 'holy shit' from the corner of her eyes.
"That's not—" Ellie tried to say.
"Nevermind. I'm outta here. I've got a ton of work tomorrow anyway” Daniela said sharply. Everyone watched, dumbstruck, as she got up, grabbed her things and strode off, disappearing into the crowd.
Ellie put her face into her hands and sighed. “I am so, so sorry about this, everyone” she mumbled bashfully. “I’m really sorry about this, I should— Don’t hold it against her, please? She’s just under a lot of stress” she pleaded.
“Don’t worry about it” Dee said gently, squeezing Ellie’s wrist in a reassuring gesture.
Ellie threw them a relieved glance. “Thank you. I should probably— ugh”. She sighed again and got up wearily, rummaging through her bag and pulling a twenty out. “Here, that should cover for both of our drinks. I should really go after her. I— Enjoy the rest of your evening.”
And just like that she was gone, smoothly sinking into the crowd in search of her girlfriend.
“Ellie, wait!” Aster shot out on an impulse. Before she could even think twice, she was up and fending off the crowd in order to catch up to her. She heard Noah call out after her but ignored it, intent on catching up with the woman she loved— the woman she was in love with. What an idiot she’d been. “Ellie… Ellie— Wait!” she cried out again as she made her way in-between people, pushing away some guy who thought it would be a good idea to press himself against her now. She could see the spiky hair of the other woman not five feet before her. There was no way she couldn’t hear her. “Ellie, for crying out loud— Wait!”
Ellie veered so fast Aster almost ran right into her. They were almost to the door now, fewer people standing around. Ellie looked a little bit like she’d ran a marathon— red in the face and out of breath and exhausted. Aster felt every bit like her heart was hanging off a cliff, ready to fall at any moment.
“You followed me” she said, matter-of-factly.
“I did” Aster nodded, her heart beating a fanfare in her chest. She was not going to let her leave this time. She had to be stronger this time. Bolder.
“I’m sorry, Aster.”
“Why are you apologising?” Aster asked, a dare on the tip of her lips.
“Why did you follow me?” Ellie shot back, defiant. A challenge.
“You know why” Aster replied, calmly. Rising to the challenge. She wondered how she could sound so calm when her heart was beating so loudly in her chest.
“Then you know why I’m apologising” Ellie replied. Taking the dare.
Aster took a step forward, reaching out. Ellie took a step back, closing off.
Aster felt her heart shatter in a million pieces.
“I can’t, Aster” Ellie whispered imploringly. “Not now, not like this. I’m— I fucked up. And I have to fix it. I can’t let it stay broken.”
Aster felt herself curl up on herself, shrivelled. “Okay” she muttered, defeated. She took a step back, her eyes glued to the floor. “Okay” she repeated, as if saying it would make this better, somehow.
She heard Ellie groan in frustration and suddenly she was enveloped by the warmth of another body— one she’d long for all this time yet felt so comfortable falling into.
She hugged Ellie back fiercely, burying her head in the crook of her neck. She couldn’t explain why, but it was almost as though she was losing her a second time, right there, in this crappy bar on the outskirts of Brooklyn.
“I’m gonna fix this” Ellie whispered into her hair. “I promise. I’m gonna fix this and then we’ll talk, alright?” she added, letting go of Aster. The older woman just nodded, not trusting herself to talk. “I’ll text you, okay?” Ellie said eventually. Aster nodded again.
And then Ellie was gone, and soon the feeling of her arms around Aster was, too.
She went back to their table, ordered six more drinks, grinned and joked and flirted with Sophie until black, spiky hair and fiery, determined eyes were just a nagging memory at the back of her head. When she took Sophie home she’d almost - almost - managed to put aside the fact that she would never be enough for Ellie Chu, no matter how hard she tried.
**
It was over two weeks before she heard from Ellie again. She was in her studio, wearing her favourite pair of suspenders, paints on her fingers and brush in her hand, when her phone vibrated in her pocket and she took it out, wondering whom it might be— Noah was at work, Irène out of the country and Sophie… well, she’d fucked it up with Sophie, as she always superbly did.
Ellie’s name was staring back at her on the screen.
She unlocked her phone, something like dread and hope building in her chest. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. Don’t hope don’t hope don’t hope don’t hope her brain supplied unhelpfully.
Her fingers were trembling as they pressed on the notification and let the message open up.
Ellie Chu 📚 [11:37 A.M]
hey
sorry for not giving news for the past couple of weeks
are you free to meet up later this week?
Me [11:39 A.M]
yeah, yeah, off course
were to?
Ellie Chu [11:44 A.M]
wednesday, 7:30, my place? i’ll cook you diner 😊
Me [1:31 P.M]
i’ll be there 👍🏽
From then on wednesday could not come soon enough and at the same time came way too fast. An hour before she had to leave Aster was sitting on the couch, staring into nothing, when she heard the key turn in the lock and Noah came in.
“Hey sweetie. You look like you’re ready to set yourself on fire” he said, dropping his keys into the little bowl dedicated to it and taking off his shoes. She heard him go into the kitchen to wash his hand and grab something from the fridge. He came back into the living room, an almond yogurt in one hand and bread into the other. “It’s gonna be okay, darling” he said, sitting close next to her and putting his arm around her shoulders.
“How do you know? I don’t— I have no fucking clue why she wants to meet. I don’t fucking understand why— I mean. Fucking Christ” Aster spat out, suddenly angry. “I didn’t even try to get over her. I’m so fucking pathetic, Noah.”
Noah squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. “Yeah, okay. So you’re a mess. Big deal. When haven’t we been, ever?” he teased, playing with a strand of her hair.
Aster choked back on a laugh. “You’re impossible” she said, but she was smiling.
“Ah, there. That’s better” he grinned, kissing her gently on the top of her head.
They were silent for a moment, Aster staring at the black TV screen and Noah running soothing circles down her arm.
“I don’t know what to do, Noah” she blurted out, the smile slowly fading from her lips.
Her best friend flicked her on the tip of her nose.
“Hey! What was that for?”
“You’re being an idiot, Flores. You’re scared. You don’t know where this is taking you. So what? Let it take you there and you’ll see then.”
Aster shook her head. “You know how badly I deal with uncertainty” she despaired.
“Yeah, I know. I also know you’ve been running toward this girl since way before we even met. Why are you suddenly trying so hard to run away from her? You deserve something good too, Aster. If you think she is the one for you, then why are you not letting her be it?” he asked her, his eyes alight with the blaze of conviction.
“What if she isn’t? We keep meeting at the wrong time, Noah. We’re all about missed chances. She has a girlfriend, remember? And I thought we could find a way to be in each other’s life differently this time, that we could build something good and peaceful but there’s always these feelings inside of me and they keep getting in the way. Like, what if we just aren’t made to be friends? What does that mean for us in the long run? I’ve done the dating people who aren’t your friend first thing and I can’t— I’m tired of people leaving. She already left once I— I don’t think I could bear it if she leaved again.”
Noah sighed and moved so he was facing her, taking both her hands in his. “People leave, Aster. It happens. It doesn’t mean the time they were in your life wasn’t meaningful. We grow, we change, we leave people and they leave us but it doesn’t have to be a failure on our part, okay? You have to stop thinking like that. Maybe you’ll lose her, maybe you won’t. But for now you have her. I don’t know where she stands, I don’t know why she’s acting the way she is so I can’t tell you what to do but what I can tell you is this: you need this. You need to talk and figure things out together. But that won’t happen if you keep avoiding each other and keep burying what you both want and need from this relationship. Communication is key, Aster Flores. As Irène never given you her whole speech on healthy relationships before? Do I have to call her for an emergency meeting?”
Aster laughed and shook her head, tears in her eyes. “You’re dumb” she mumbled.
“You know I’m right, though” he smirked.
“Ugh. When did you get so wise?” she grumbled, but really she already felt a bit better.
“I’ve always been the wisest of the both of us, dumbass. I mean, I’m an Aquarius with Scorpio rising and you’re over there being an indecisive Libra with a Leo rising. What hellish kind of birth chart is that.”
“Oh, fuck off. At least my Venus isn’t in Pisces or whatever.”
Noah gasped, putting his hands on his heart dramatically. “You wound me.”
Aster rolled her eyes. “Yeah yeah, go cry me a river.”
Noah shook his head mournfully. “And they have the nerve to say I’m the cold-hearted bitch here.”
Aster retorted that he was a dramatic bitch, that was for sure, but she was laughing heartily by the time he started hitting her with a pillow.
**
An hour and a half later and Aster was standing in front of a three story building in Briarwoods, Queens. The building had seen better days, but then again so had the one in which Aster lived with Noah. Sometimes she missed the misty and muggy scent of the northern small town she’d grew up in like the touch of a lover.
The young woman swallowed nervously before pressing the interphone’s button that read ‘Ellie Chu’. She knew the other woman lived alone but the sudden reminder filled her with a kind of anxious excitement.
”Yeah?” her distorted voice resounded through the interphone.
“It’s me” Aster informed her, mouth dry and hands damp.
“Come on up! Fifth floor, door on the left.”
As she climbed the stairs Aster felt her whole body tense, readying itself to flee the second her brain wished it so. She felt goose bumps break out on her arms and a cold sweat run down her back as she got closer to Ellie’s apartment. By the time she reached the fifth floor landing she had twice a mind to turn back and leave but before she could even think to act on it, the left door opened and the she was, Ellie Chu, standing there in a pair of black jeans and a bright, yellow sweat shirt.
Aster felt like a child caught stealing from the cookie jar. “Ellie” she breathed out.
“Come on in” the younger woman said heartily.
Aster felt so out of her depth. It was amazing - if not a little disquieting - how calm Ellie seemed. Aster was pretty sure she was about to throw up. Communication is key she reminded herself. You can do this. What’s the worst that can happen? Ellie telling you she can’t have you in her life? That your attraction to her is unrequited and you have to back off because Daniela isn’t comfortable with it? It’s okay. Whatever it is, you can handle it.
What a pep talk. Noah would have been proud of her.
Ellie moved aside to let her in and as she brushed past her she felt her warmth burning through her side like a wildfire.
Ellie closed the door behind her as Aster hoovered near the entrance, unsure of where to go next. The place was small, the front door opening directly onto the living room. There was a door on her left and one on the other side of the living room. The kitchen was a built-in one in the right corner. The walls were painted a light yellow and there were planted pots almost everywhere. She noticed an embroidery hanging on the right wall and scrunched up her eyes in order to see better.
“Is that— Is that an embroidery of Squahamish? Did you make it?” she asked incredulously.
“Oh yeah, I keep forgetting you’ve never been there before. Yep, that’s Squahamish. Did a couple of others, one is at my dad’s and one hanging proudly in Paul’s restaurant, I think. I haven’t taken up embroidery in a couple of years but I could make one for you if you want.”
Aster startled. Entranced as she was by the place, she hadn’t noticed how close Ellie was. She felt herself lose her balance. “I, huh— Why… Why not” she choked out.
Ellie grinned at her, her fingers brushing against Aster’s— oh my god oh my god oh my god was that on purpose did she do it on purpose is she am I imagining things what’s—.
“Do you want something to drink? Beer? Tea? Coffee?” Ellie asked, making her way over to the kitchen. “I might have—”. She started rummaging through her fridge. “Huh. Yeah, no, that’s empty, why did I forget to throw it out” she mumbled, talking to herself. She straighten herself and smiled sheepishly to Aster. “Yeah, no, I don’t have anything but beer, coffee and tea.”
“Coffee is fine” Aster replied hastily. Their gazes met and she adverted her eyes, her interest for Ellie’s house plants suddenly heightened.
“Okay” Ellie acknowledge with a nod. “You can sit down if you want, once you’re done checking out my plants.”
Aster blushed bright red. “I—“
Ellie smirked. “I’m kidding, Aster. I’m quite proud of my indoor garden. You can look at it all you like.”
Aster bit her bottom lip and ran a hand through her hair, but decided against saying anything. She walked around aimlessly, stopping a little while longer to look at all the pictures decorating part of the wall. She noticed a dozen of them of Ellie and Paul through the years. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw herself in one of them, laughing, eyes closed and mouth wide open. She knew exactly when that picture had been taken: in the car, on that fated day they went to the baths. She couldn’t believe Ellie had kept it all this time.
“Noticed the picture, huh?” the other woman said right from behind her, startling Aster once again. When she turned around to face her, Ellie was smiling wistfully at the pictures, holding two fuming cups in her hands. “It’s the only one I ever got of our time together” she whispered, and Aster felt a pang to her chest. Ellie seemed to compose herself quite quickly though. “Here” she added, holding out a cup for Aster to take. “Mind if we sit down?” she asked.
Aster eyed her curiously. She seemed nervous, all of a sudden. “Yeah, sure” she shrugged, giving Ellie one of her half-smiles.
They sat on the deep blue couch, Ellie cross-legged, holding her cup of tea in both of her hands and looking at it like it held all of the answers in the world, and Aster facing the wall opposite, feeling the tension between them, thick like butter.
“So, huh—“ she started, then stopped, unable to find anything worth saying. She glanced at Ellie from the corner of her eyes then quickly adverted them when she saw the other woman was already staring at her. She took a gulp of her coffee and tried not to wince when she felt it burn the tip of her longue. “The coffee is really good.”
“Thanks” Ellie blurted out, clearly uncomfortable. And then: “We broke up”.
Aster’s head shot back up.
“Oh” she said, dumbfounded.
Ellie was playing with her the strand of her tea bag, pointedly not looking at her. Aster was struck by how alike she was to the girl she’d known her whole life, but at the same time not at all.
“Don’t be. It was a long time coming” Ellie replied, still refusing to meet her eyes.
“Really?” Aster couldn’t help herself but ask.
“Yeah” Ellie told her, fidgeting. She heaved a sigh and went on. “It’s been going on for a while. Actually, if I’m completely honest, it’s been this way since you and I met again” she explained, meeting Aster’s gaze without warning and holding it purposefully. “What I told you in the café, about the reasons I didn’t reach out, it wasn’t the whole truth”. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes and opening them again. “The truth was, I was terrified of reaching out. I was terrified of seeing you again and you not liking what you saw. Thinking the old Ellie was better when I thought she wasn’t and— I thought I had to leave you behind in order to leave her behind. But seeing you again, Aster? God, it fucked me up. Seeing your name displayed on that art gallery’s window… It felt like a heart attack. I went in not even knowing if I wanted to see you, hoping for it but not letting myself hope, really, and then you were there and it was like I’d never left you but it also felt like you were a complete stranger. And I felt so scared and guilty because just the thought of your name woke up so many things in me but there was Daniela, and I loved her, alright, and I loved her too much to fall in love with a complete stranger.”
Aster nodded, unable to speak over the lump in her throat.
“I know it wasn’t honest of me to— to not tell you I had a girlfriend from the beginning. I also know I gave you mixed signals and for that I am truly, deeply sorry.”
Aster shook her head. “You didn’t commit to anything with me, Ellie. We were children, back then. You didn’t hold on to your words but I didn’t hold on to them, either. I had no right to ask anything more of you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Ellie shifted on the couch and soon she was grabbing one of her hands in hers, her tea cup forgotten on the coffee table. “Aster, listen”. Aster nodded in agreement. “Look at me. Please” she begged next. Aster did. There was something like hope in her eyes. “I want to make this right. Tell me what I have to do to make this right” she whispered.
Aster shuddered under the intensity of Ellie’s gaze. She felt something salty wet her lips and a surprised laugh escaped her lips. "You're so different from the girl I fell in love with, Ellie” she told her without thinking. “You're so confident."
Ellie scoffed. "Yeah, that's what leaving the hellscape that is high school in a predominantly white small town will do to you."
"No but see? College was a way for you to accept— no, embrace yourself. But to me? It wasn't. I haven’t— I'm still struggling to— I'm still fighting with the person I was back then whereas you've grown and learned from her. That's why I can’t— We can’t— You used to hide yourself behind your hair and your glasses and your baggy clothes. You used to be this nerdy, awkward high school girl and I was the one who had it all, the one whose life was supposed to be easy, the one who was supposed to have everything figured out. But now you're this confident, proud queer Asian-American woman. You cut your hair and you might still wear cuffed jeans but you've stopped hiding behind them and started wearing them as a statement along with your bright pins and one-liner statement shirts. You're outspoken and head-strong and you keep your head up high and I- Ellie I didn't shed my awkward teenager skin. I'm still struggling so much and I've been going nowhere. Sure yes I figured some stuff out along the way but... Ellie my life only got more fucked up the older I got whereas you grew into this magnificent, strong woman. And I just- how could I ever be enough for you? Don't you see? I'm not the person you deserve."
She was crying now, hot, angry tears at the realisation that this was it, this was what all of this was building up to. She'd fallen in love with the person Ellie was again, quietly, undisturbedly, just like she had fallen in love with the person she'd been eight years before. And now that she was ready to face this truth there was another, more pressing, more overwhelming one, that was taking this away from her.
She'd thought she'd gotten better but the truth was that she was still stuck. She was still stuck and Ellie deserved someone who was able to keep up with her, to stand proud alongside her. Aster could not be that person.
“I have— I have to go” she blurted out. In one swift movement she was up and out the door, running down the stairs. She heard Ellie call out her name but did not turn back.
**
“Come on, Flores, get up” Noah said.
Aster had been hiding in her bed for four days now. She’d eaten her weight in cookies and ice cream binge watching Derry Girls and The Crown and was not about to change this pattern. “No” she replied sourly, her voice muffled by the covers she was hiding under.
“Ugh, whatever” she heard Noah say and get up from where he’d sat on her bed. “I’m going to work. I hope you’re out of your bed when I get back, darling.”
She heard him close the door and then slam the front door on his way out and felt guilt claw at her guts. She knew she was behaving like an asshole but she couldn’t help it.
She was such an idiot.
It’d been like this for four days now: her spending the day in her bed, refusing to talk to anyone or see anyone, refusing to answer any of her texts - she’d let the battery of her personal phone die three days ago and had not bothered to charge it - and not explaining anything that had happened to anyone.
How could she explain she’d ran away once again? How could she explain how crushing was the weight of knowing she was madly in love with someone she did not deserve? People grew tired of how fucked up she was at some point. She’d not only lose Ellie but would end up losing Noah and Irène, her two closest friends, and probably others, along the way.
She was at that point in her thoughts when someone banged on the door. She ignored it, but then the person banged on it again. And again. And again.
“Oh for fuck’s sake—” she grumbled, getting out of her bed angrily and stomping over to the door, “Noah what the hell are you doing ponding on the door like a madman I—”
Aster stopped dead in her tracks, bewildered. It wasn’t Noah, trying to get her to open the door because he’d forgotten his keys or something like that, who was knocking on her door, but Ellie. A tired, annoyed looking Ellie.
“E… Ellie” she stammered.
“I need to talk to you” the other woman stated, pushing past her and into her apartment like she belonged here.
“How did you even— who told you I was home?” she asked, following the first thought that crossed her mind.
“Noah texted me, telling me to come over” Ellie answered sourly.
Aster blinked owlishly at her, not understanding what she was hearing. She was going to kill Noah Spencer. “What the—” she tried to ask, but Ellie turned around to face her then and she was taken aback by the fiery in her eyes.
“Do you have any idea— any fucking idea how worried I was, Aster? You run out on me and then ignore me, not answering any of my texts or calls, not even letting me know if you made it back alright? What the fuck, Flores? What the actual fuck?”
“Ellie…” Aster tried to explain, closing her front door before the neighbours could get nosy. “I’m—”
“No. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear you’re sorry” Ellie bit out, pacing around her room. She let out a frustrated groan, and turned to face Aster again, her teary eyes meeting Aster’s. “I know I fucked up with Daniela okay? But you could have at least— I— Fuck! Why did you run away? Can’t you see that I love you? Can’t you see that I’m trying to fix this, whatever the hell is going on with us?” she cried out, pointing desperately between the two of them.
Aster felt tears start rolling down her cheeks. ”Leave, Ellie. Please, I beg you."
She started to make her way to her bedroom but before she could leave Ellie grabbed her hand, forcing her to turn and face her. Aster tried to look away but she found herself gazing into Ellie's eyes, pinned by the intensity there.
She felt like Ellie was trying to crawl into her and nestle herself into her body. It was so overwhelming she felt like she was choking on it.
"Tell me you don't feel anything. Tell me you don't feel this" the other woman said, brushing the inside of Aster's wrist and effectively sending shivers down her spine, "this want and this craving and this need. Tell me and I will let you go. Tell me you don't want this, Aster. That this is just a remnant of how you felt eight years ago and I promise I will never bring it up again."
Ellie's eyes were dark and ablaze. Unrelenting. Aster felt herself lose her carefully crafted resolve underneath it.
Ellie's thumb came to brush the inside of her wrist again.
Aster let out a harsh gasp and Ellie replied with a daring, bold grin. She let her thumb wander again.
Sparks ignited in Aster's whole body once again, her brain high on the sensation of Ellie's fingers claiming her skin.
"Ellie..." she muttered, voice broken.
"Tell me you don't want me, Aster" she repeated, licking her lips.
Aster's eyes followed the movement.
And suddenly there was no resolve left to have. Aster was moving forward, crowding into Ellie's space and the other woman was letting her, a victorious smile on her lips. Aster wanted to wipe it off. She wanted to swallow it whole. She wanted to see it everytime she opened her eyes.
"See? I—“
"Oh my God, Ellie. Shut the hell up already. You win."
And then she was cupping the smaller woman's face in her hands and kissing her passionately. She thought it'd be angry at first, driven by the sheer strength of her pent-up desire and the frustration caused by Ellie's own relentlessness and refusal to just let this fucking go. But it wasn't. Just like their first kiss, years go, it was both ardent and gentle, wistful and heavy. It felt as much like finding her balance as it felt like losing it.
She knew savage, searing kisses spoken into the night and she knew sweet, soft kisses welcomed after tiring mornings. But she'd never felt the pure desire of holding onto something really good, the pure drunkenness that came with a kiss made to last an eternity.
Ellie's lips were their own sort of treasure. Surprising, rare and precious. Valuable.
She wanted to never get their taste off her mouth or their power out of her system.
"You're everything" Ellie whispered tenderly against Aster's bright, swollen lips when they broke the kiss. She softly chased a wild strand of hair out of the other woman's face and smiled quietly to her. "Don't you know that by now?"
“I—"
"I struggled too, Aster. I still do. I'm not as well put out as you think I am. I might give the impression that I am but— God. When I first got to New York I avoided anything culturally related to China for months on ends because I still struggle with what it means to be an immigrant here. Because a part of me was still hearing those boys mocking me, making fun of my father for not speaking English and of the both of us for celebrating our new year. And I— fuck, I didn't join my college's QTPOC organisation until third year. I didn't come out to my dad until I was twenty-four and to be honest there were times I thought I never would." She took a deep breath and clenched her jaw. “Don't— You have this perfect picture of me in your head but it doesn't reflect the truth. You have to understand that. I'm as flawed as I was when I first fell in love with you and thought you'd never forgive me for what happened with Paul. Ninety per cent of the time is just me pretending I have my shit together because if there's one thing I've learned in college it's bravado" she laughed. It was bitter though. "But I'm still awkward as hell okay? Goddammit, remember that coffee we had when we first met again? My way of flirting with you was staring intensely and hoping you’d say something to legitimate how I felt and make me feel less like shit for how unfair I was being to Daniela. Hoping you’d be braver than I was. Hoping you'd catch on because even after all those years you still have me choking on my own words.”
Aster couldn't help but smile a little at that. "But you were always so good with words" she teased.
"Written ones, sure. But you've seen first hand how hopeless I am when it comes to speaking them into existence."
Aster grinned. "I always found it to be insanely cute."
Ellie shook her head, but she was smiling. "You're such an asshole."
Aster's eyes were glistening. Mischievous. She suddenly felt as though a weight she'd been carrying for a really long time had been lifted off her shoulders. "I don't think that you dislike it, though."
"Can't say that I do" Ellie replied, before grabbing her by the collar and pulling her in for another kiss.
Aster let her. And she let herself melt into it, into the softness of Ellie's lips, the heat of her mouth, the sweetness of her tongue.
She knew it would take a while for her to fix her issues. She’d been far off the mark for a long time and there were still so many things her and Ellie needed to sort out before this could really be safe and smooth. But she wanted to believe they could have something good.
Ellie made her want to believe they could have something good.
“I won’t lose you Ellie Chu. Not again. But if we do this you have to promise me you won’t lose me again, either” she whispered against her lips.
Ellie drew back and raised her hands so they were cupping Aster’s face, her thumbs stroking gently at the soft skin there. Their eyes met again and locked onto each other. “I promise, Aster Flores. This time I’ll put all of my effort into loving you. I love you” she whispered, her gaze focused, intent, unrelenting.
Gently, softly, as if not to scare Aster, she leaned forward, stopping a breath away from Aster’s lips, asking a silent question. Yes Aster answered soundlessly, trying to convey everything her words couldn’t say, all of those spoken words swallowed by the taste of Ellie’s lips.