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Standing in the middle of the king’s chambers, Merlin sighed heavily as he looked at the messy state in which the room had been left. Rubbing his eyes tiredly the young warlock began moving around the room slowly, picking up articles of clothing that were strewn across the floor. This wasn’t a particularly strenuous task but Merlin was exhausted within minutes, he hadn’t slept much in recent nights his thoughts too consumed with the events of the previous week.
Merlin still couldn’t believe Morgana had taken over his mind so easily. He was meant to be a warlock the great and powerful Emrys and yet all it took was Morgana placing one of the Fomorroh’s heads in his neck and he was under her control. Of course Gaius kept saying it wasn’t his fault that the magic used on him was ancient but Merlin took no comfort in this. It was his duty to protect Arthur and he’d almost failed, in fact if it hadn’t been for Gwen and Gaius he would have killed Arthur…he would have killed his best friend. And that was what was bothering him most, that this time he was the threat.
Sitting on the chest at the end of Arthur’s bed, Merlin allowed himself to let out a groan of frustration. He knew Arthur had noticed his change in behaviour but there was no way he could tell the king what was really bothering him. So he’d let Arthur believe he was still shook up from the bandit attack besides he didn’t deserve Arthur’s concern, because no matter what anyone said Merlin knew this was all his fault. He was to blame for what Morgana had become so everything she did was on him.
Gaius still insisted that Merlin should talk to Arthur saying that although he might not be able to tell the king everything he could still let his friend be there for him. But why should Merlin get to ask that of his friend after almost killing him. Not to mention to be able to tell him anything, he’d have to lie about the very reason he was upset. So no Merlin couldn’t ask that of Arthur it would be too selfish...
Leaning his head against one of the polls of Arthur’s four poster bed, Merlin closed his eyes trying to stop his thoughts from circling.
Meanwhile outside the chamber Arthur stood frozen hand poised on the door handle. He had been about to enter his chamber when he heard someone groan out in frustration. Knowing only one person would be in the king’s chamber at this time of day, Arthur pushed the door open an inch, peering inside where as expected he saw Merlin. But this wasn’t his cheery, overly talkative manservant and friend. Over the past week a new Merlin had replaced the existing and this one seemed older, tired and at times angry. At first Arthur had accepted that Merlin’s behaviour was an after effect of his recent injury and capture but he wasn’t as oblivious as Merlin liked to think.
He soon realised there was something much deeper bothering his friend but whenever he had tried talking to Merlin about it, his manservant found a way to dodge the topic or even leave the room all together.
Eventually he had seen no other way but to ask his friends if Merlin had said anything to them, but neither the knights nor Gwen knew what was wrong with their friend. Finally Arthur had spoken with Gaius and straight away he could tell the old physician knew exactly what was wrong with Merlin. But instead of sharing his knowledge Gaius had simply said it was not his place and that Merlin himself may not share all the details but whatever his ward chose to say, Arthur should show openness and be there for his friend.
Thinking on Gaius’s words now, Arthur straightened his back. This was perhaps his only chance to show Merlin he could trust him and even if he didn’t know exactly what was bothering his friend he could still be there for him, just as Merlin has always been there whenever Arthur had needed him.
Taking a deep breath Arthur resumed pushing the door open before striding into his room.
At the sound of the door squeaking open, Merlin jumped to his feet trying to resume his task from before.
Seeing this Arthur sighed, getting Merlin to see Arthur wanted to listen and help him was going to be a lot harder than he first thought.
Trying to avoid catching the king’s attention, Merlin bent over to pick up one of the many discarded shirts when suddenly his version blurred and he wobbled on his feet.
“Merlin!” Arthur exclaimed before hurrying over to support his friend.
Blinking aside his dizziness Merlin tried to brush Arthur away saying he was fine but the king was having none of it. Gripping Merlin’s arm tighter, Arthur helped him sit down on the chest again. Once sure that Merlin could support himself, Arthur released his arm before shifting to sit next to his friend.
For a while neither of them spoke until finally Arthur had, had enough of the silence.
“Merlin what’s wrong? And don’t give me that ‘it’s nothing’ rubbish. You just nearly passed out probably from not eating and you have huge bags under your eyes so you’re clearly not sleeping” he said.
Merlin’s eyes flickered to look at the king before returning his gaze to his hands “I might have skipped breakfast this morning” he huffed reluctantly.
Rolling his eyes and smirking at Merlin’s response, Arthur rose to his feet moving swiftly over to the door and pulling it open. Looking out into the corridor he managed to catch the attention of a passing maid.
“Tell the kitchens to send up some food to my chambers please” he asked.
Smiling at the king the young servant nodded before heading on her way. Closing the door Arthur turned back to face Merlin who was looking at him with a confused expression.
“Why did you do that?” Merlin asked, perplexed.
“Because Merlin. Since you seem dead against taking care of yourself, I guess it’s up to me to make sure your getting at least one decent meal a day” Arthur replied, smirking.
Rolling his eyes, Merlin couldn’t help but smile a little “and when exactly did my eating habits become your concern?” he questioned.
“Around the same time you started cutting down my food because you think I’m fat!” Arthur retorted smiling when Merlin snorted in amusement.
“Well it wouldn’t look good if I let the King of Camelot walk around with a pot belly, not when he’s meant to be in top physical condition” Merlin commented chuckling at the king’s affronted expression.
“I could have you thrown in the stocks for that” Arthur said arching his eyebrow.
Nodding in agreement Merlin replied “you could but that would go against this whole being nice thing that you seem to be trying”
“I’m always nice” Arthur protested.
“Keep telling yourself that” Merlin muttered before smiling at Arthur, his eyes twinkling with humour.
Grinning good naturedly Arthur moved back over to sit beside Merlin shoving his friends shoulder playfully before silence descended over them once again. Arthur watched as Merlin rubbed his eyes tiredly, sighing the young king decided to try again.
“You know as much as I enjoy our usual back and forth you still haven’t told me what’s wrong”
At this comment Merlin’s face became blank before turning away from Arthur “it’s nothing” he mumbled
“Now what did I say about spouting that rubbish? Something is clearly wrong Merlin, I’m not blind you can tell me” Arthur stated this as confidently as he could hoping it would encourage Merlin to open up to him.
Turning back to face Arthur, Merlin eyes were filled with a turmoil of emotions.
“I...I guess I’m still a little shook up by the whole bandit attack...I’m...I’ll get over it...” Merlin said this with such reluctance that even if Arthur hadn’t guessed before, he was now certain something much bigger was upsetting his servant.
Standing up and switching his gaze to floor Merlin bowed.
“If you’ll excuse me sire, I have to collect some herbs for Gaius” and with that Merlin hastily made for the door he knew it was a poor excuse but he couldn’t continue this conversation when he’d have to keep lying to his friend.
However before he’d taken more than two steps Arthur was on his feet managing to catch Merlin’s arm, holding him in place.
“Merlin please...you’ve not been yourself, everyone’s worried about you...I’m worried about you; please just tell me what’s wrong, I want to help” Arthur pleaded.
“Why!” Merlin cried wrenching his arm free of Arthur’s grasp.
“Why do you suddenly care?! Why can’t you just accept what I’ve told you and leave it at that! You’ve done it so many other times! Why’s this time any different! Let me deal with this alone! I don’t want your help! I can’t burden you with this Arthur it...it wouldn’t be right....”
Merlin knew he was being unfair...that Arthur hadn’t done anything wrong, but he had to be. He was so tired of lying...of having distance himself, he knew it wasn’t the right time to let Arthur see who he really was but he just wanted his friend to know him…the real him.
It had all become so much harder since Lancelot’s death...the knight had been a true friend someone his age that Merlin could be himself around without fear. He still had Gaius and his mother and of course he was thankful for that but he couldn’t talk to them the way he talked to Lancelot. The knight just understood straight away, trusted Merlin without a thought. Happy to let Merlin be who he was and that’s what he’d always dreamed Arthur would do. But he couldn’t do this, not now it wasn’t the time...so yes Merlin was being unfair...but his strength was cracking.
Merlin needed time to calm down. To put his neutral mask back up and move on, but right now everything was too raw...too fresh and if he couldn’t speak honestly with Arthur, then Merlin didn’t see how much good talking would do.
Breathing heavily from his rant Merlin recoiled when he realised what he’d said. Staggering backwards a few paces the young warlock sank to the floor, scrunching his eyes closed and clasping his hair tightly between his fingers.
Meanwhile Arthur could do nothing but stare at his raven haired friend in shock. Whatever was causing his friend so much anguish, was so personal to Merlin that he really believed Arthur couldn’t know about it.
Although never one to admit it Arthur was worried, really worried. But he wanted to start building more trust with Merlin. They were close anyone could see that, but Arthur had always thought there were something about Merlin that his friend was not yet ready to share with him.
Well whatever it was Arthur would wait because Merlin always did. Every battle, every low point, when all hope seemed lost Merlin had been there for him with words of comfort and wisdom. Sporting that stupid grin of his as he stayed by Arthur’s side, always ready to support and help him.
So how could Arthur not do the same for his friend? Even if Merlin wouldn’t say what was bothering him today, Arthur would still be there for him and Merlin needed to know that. Kneeling down beside his friend, Arthur rested a hand on Merlin’s shoulder.
“...Merlin I know you feel you can’t tell me what’s bothering you and I won’t push it anymore I promise, but I need you to know that when you’re ready I will listen...”
Shocked at the soft tone of Arthur’s voice and a little uncertain Merlin opened his eyes tilting his head to look up at the king as Arthur continued.
“You’re my best friend Merlin that’s why I care...if you can’t talk to me then just let me be here for you. Let me try to do what you’ve done so many times for me, we’ve been through so much and half the time I never know how it’s affecting you. You don’t need to tell me everything that bothers you but whenever you get to this point, the point where your walls are crumbling come find me. Lean on me because lord knows I’ve leaned on you...you’re always there when I need you. You’re not just a servant or a friend you’re practically my brother...my family in everything but blood...”
Hearing this Merlin eyes widened. Rising to his feet slowly, Arthur supporting him all the way. Merlin studied the king in front of him.
His expression was so open and honest, Merlin had never seen Arthur look like that. He’d never heard him talk like that. But as the young warlock once again made eye contact with his oldest friend, he was shocked to see the amount of vulnerability in Arthur’s eyes.
“I know I’m not great at knowing what to say, especially to someone I care about but it seems that right now you just need me to be here and I can do that...please let me...” Arthur finished softly, hoping for once that he’d said the right thing.
And before he could start overthink everything he’d just said, Merlin had his arms wrapped tightly around him hugging the king fiercely. Without a moment’s hesitation Arthur hugged him back. Both men stood there for what seemed like forever enjoying this rare moment of openness before they released each other.
“Thank you Arthur...just...thank you...” Merlin said breathlessly. He didn’t know what else he could say with just a few words he could feel the pressure fading. He had been reaching his breaking point for months and this incident with Fomorroh was pushing him over the edge but now all his worries were disappearing.
He hadn’t even told Arthur anything but the king didn’t care he just wanted to be there for him. He’d said...they-they were practically brothers and Merlin now knew that when the time was right he could tell Arthur everything. But more importantly he could trust that his friend was there for him and he didn’t need to lie, he could be himself more. He could let Arthur in and accept his help, Arthur may not know it but he has just given Merlin something he’s always wanted...assurance that one day Arthur will know the real him.
“...and Arthur I promise you one day...I’ll let you know everything...” said Merlin, his tone one of finality.
Upon hearing this and looking at the relieved if slightly tearful expression on Merlin’s face Arthur couldn’t stop a grin erupting onto his face. He’d helped his friend and that was all that really mattered. Merlin now trusted him enough to start letting him in and one day he’d know Merlin all of him.
“I don’t doubt it old friend” the king said smiling softly.
Deciding he’d had enough of this somber mood Arthur smirked; he may have earned his friend’s trust but Arthur still hadn’t seen Merlin laugh in days. And if Arthur was going to feel he’d helped Merlin at all this could not go unresolved.
Seeing Merlin wiping his eyes to prevent tears from spilling over, Arthur shook his head fondly
“Honestly Merlin will you always act like a girl?” he asked, teasingly.
At this comment the young warlock glared playfully at the king before raising his eyebrow in an impressive imitation of Gaius.
“Well Arthur that depends are you always going act like a prat?” Merlin retorted.
Trying to hide his smile at his friend’s use of an insult that Arthur knew carried a lot of fondness. The king moved over to Merlin wrapping his arm around his friend’s shoulder.
“Merlin you remember when I said that you were practically a brother to me?” Arthur asked, smiling a little too sweetly.
“...yes?” Merlin replied nervousness clear in his voice.
“Well as your honorary big brother you do know I’m obligated to mess with you, right?” Arthur stated, His smile seeming to grow.
Trying to shift out of Arthur’s grip Merlin eyed the king uncertainly “Arthur what are you-” he started.
But before Merlin could finish, Arthur had wrapped his arm around his neck pulling him into a headlock and rubbing his knuckles over Merlin’s raven hair noogie style, the reaction was immediate.
“Wha! Ah! Arthur c’mon, Get off Ah! Arthur let me go! Ow! Arthur, cut it out you prat!” Merlin whined, struggling to escape Arthur’s grip.
Laughing Arthur smiled at Merlin’s reaction, as much as Merlin was protesting he knew the idiot was enjoying this. It was one of the ways Arthur knew he could make his friend smile, because it was in these moments that Arthur could show Merlin he didn’t care what others thought. They were friends, brothers and that was all that mattered. Finally deciding to relent in his nooging, Arthur let Merlin out of his hold.
“Prat!” Merlin declared trying to smooth down his hair, though he was chuckling and smiling brightly.
“Idiot” Arthur replied but there was no heat to his words, in fact there was a lot of fondness. This was his friend his cheery, overly talkative brother and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Suddenly both young men’s thoughts were interrupted by someone knocking at the door.
“My Lord” A voice called out. “I have the food you requested”
“One moment” Arthur said before turning back to Merlin. “Well I’m starving and with how you look...well let’s see if we can put some meat back on those bones”
Glaring good naturedly Merlin smiled before replying “yes sire although maybe you could hold back a bit food wise. You might be starving but eat another large portion and I will be putting extra holes in your belt”
Shoving Merlin’s shoulder playfully Arthur strode over to the door, everything was back to normal but perhaps a little bit better than before.