Archive of Our Own ^beta

There’s a Polaroid picture that hangs above Tadashi’s desk. 

He can’t remember when it was taken or at what point he’d received it, but it hangs above his desk all the same. He’s had for years now. A young Tadashi and Kei smile back at him, laughing about something humorous or maybe laughing about nothing at all. Tadashi genuinely can’t remember. 

It doesn’t really matter, he guesses, but it’s still sort of frustrating to have absolutely no recollection whatsoever of when the photo was taken. Certainly it was years ago judging from their baby faces and the fact that Kei was wearing his old glasses. Honestly though, it could have been taken at any point during Tadashi’s life. He has about a million unforgettable memories with Kei; this one just happens to lapse his mind. 

Life through a viewfinder was simple. Easy. Constant. In the second captured on film, it could even be bliss. Life now is… 

Tadashi lets out a breath and pins the photo back to the wall. Maybe he’d ask Kei about it the next time he came over. Tadashi immediately rescinds the thought since Kei isn’t particularly fond of reminiscing, which is fine considering how much Tadashi loves it. He can relish in the happy past for days; his affinity for nostalgia is unbounded, evident from the memorabilia that decorates his room. 

Old photographs from photo booths, various trophies, medals, and other assorted knick-knacks line the walls and shelves of Tadashi’s room. Each item serves as a reminder of a great memory Tadashi isn’t quite ready to let go of yet. Like the medal he received during his first year when they’d beat Shiratorizawa and qualified for Nationals. Or a stupid science project that he made with Kei back in middle school that now sits in complete shambles after their demonstration had failed horribly. There’s the set of hair clips that Yachi had gifted him for his last birthday; a crude drawing of a volleyball that looks like it’s made by a kindergartener but is actually the creative collaboration of Hinata and Kageyama. There’s a lot more, too much for Tadashi to look over right now despite how much each individual item reminds Tadashi how much he’s enjoyed the last few years. 

He’ll get rid of most of these things once he graduates but for now they sit untouched. Going into his last year of school, it’s practically Tadashi’s responsibility to fill up these shelves before his memories are soured. 

Everything would change at graduation. Hopefully for the best, but Tadashi’s pessimistic and anxiety-ridden brain gives him thoughts otherwise. Not only would he move onto the next stage of life and leave his adolescence behind, but Tadashi had a plan that was certain to change everything. 

Tadashi was going to tell Kei he loves him at graduation. 

His moment of understanding had come last year at the Spring Nationals. During one round, Tadashi and Kei were on a roll with four consecutive points gained from serves and blocks alone. Kei had pulled Tadashi in for a quick and rare hug before sending him off to score an additional two points with service aces. The game itself is a nice memory but that lingering feeling of warmth in Tadashi’s chest proved to be the side effect of more than just winning. 

Tadashi found himself thinking he wanted to hold Kei in his arms again, a thought that persists to the present. The understanding that his attraction went beyond the platonic scared Tadashi half to death initially; his fear only became worse when he considered the fact that the feelings weren’t exactly new. They had probably surfaced sometime in middle school, tucked neatly away as Tadashi looked at his female classmates for romantic interest. Regardless, that feeling is still the same. 

Tadashi loves Kei. 

But knowing a person for almost a decade gives someone a pretty thorough understanding of their mind. For Tadashi, it gives him the understanding that now isn’t the best time to tell Kei. He wants to keep his school experience as something that is completely positive; not riddled with a dramatic breakup or rejection. 

Friendship is certain. It’s safe. Love can wait a little longer. 

But Kei can’t. 

Tadashi checks his phone, already aware that he’s running late for his last first day of school. Kei’s certainly at the cross-section already, listening to music as he waits for Tadashi to arrive like he always does. 

A part of Tadashi tells him that if he doesn’t walk to school then he won’t have to face that his high school career is beginning to end. A different part, the logical part that has the voice of Kei, says that’s stupid and school will go on regardless of whether he’s there. 

Tadashi sighs, collects his things, grabs a peach from the kitchen, and begins his journey to Kei. Like he’s predicted, Kei is waiting by the light pole with his headphones on and idly scrolling on his phone when he notices Tadashi’s presence. His face barely shifts from a bored expression to a slightly-less bored expression as Tadashi waves. 

“Good morning Tsukki!” Tadashi grins. Kei nods in response. 

Life is like how it always is.

They fall into their normal routine with Tadashi rambling on about this and that while Kei nods along, making passive comments or snarky remarks where he deems necessary. Tadashi snickers at Kei’s responses and Kei gives him the smallest indication of a smile. It’s like nothing has changed at all. 

But as Tadashi goes on about what he made for dinner last night, a relentless nagging at the back of his head screams at him, everything is going to change. Tadashi can accept change. He even likes it in some cases since things usually change for the better. 

And yet this feeling twisting in the pit of his stomach like a knife says to him that his life will get worse. That he’ll never have another first day of school with Kei and that he’s taking everything for granted. That he should tell Kei now and—

“Yamaguchi.”

He stops his rambling words and harmful thoughts as he feels a hand carefully wrap around his forearm and yank him backwards. Tadashi stumbles a little in place as a large truck comes tearing down the street with absolutely no regard for the teenagers trying to cross. Tadashi’s eyes follow the car as it continues to barrel down, surely to hit some clueless pedestrians. 

He then realizes that he is the clueless pedestrian and without Kei he could have just lost his life. 

“Watch out,” Kei grumbles as his hand drops from Tadashi’s arm. He tucks it back into his pocket like nothing had happened at all. 

“Thanks, Tsukki!” Tadashi smiles. Kei averts his eyes. 

“What are you even thinking about?” He asks. “You didn’t see it coming at all.”

Tadashi wants to shrug away the comment and act like everything is fine, because it is and everything is completely fine, but Kei is too smart for that. “I guess I’m just a little sad since it’s our last first day.”

Kei raises a brow. “Of high school,” he finishes, not even trying to mask his dismissiveness. “You have plenty of forgettable first days ahead of you.” 

“You’re right,” Tadashi admits, looking into the street to make sure no cars are coming before stepping ahead. 

“Don’t worry too much about it,” Kei assures in the most bored tone he can manage. “Besides, if you’re too contemplative you’d just get hit the next time. Do you know how annoying it would be to clean up your blood from the street?”

“Excuse me?” Tadashi jokes back, already aware of how to play with Kei’s impolite sense of humor. “You’re the one who’s almost two meters tall. You have a lot more blood to spill than I do.”

Kei chuckles at that, and they continue on their walk like they always do despite the fact they’re both completely aware of how little time they have left together. Graduation is less than a year away, Tadashi reminds himself. He can wait until then. 

---

“Where’s Kageyama?”

Hinata pouts as he settles down before Kei and Tadashi, dropping his bento onto the ground. There’s a subtle breeze that catches his hair as he defiantly crosses his arms. Tadashi snorts a little at his obvious disdain while Kei ignores him all together. Headphones on and idly scrolling on his phone, he couldn’t even be bothered to greet Hinata once he reached the roof. 

“He’s getting his stupid milk,” Hinata huffs as he begins to unwrap his lunch. “I swear he has like ten boxes a day. I like milk as much as anyone else but I really don’t get how he drinks so much!”

Tadashi laughs. He’s been enjoying eating lunch each day with his fellow third years. The tradition started sometime during their second year when Kageyama and Hinata were close to failing once again. Yachi tried her best to tutor them, but ultimately she needed help from both Kei and Tadashi just to keep their grades from nearly failing. Even after exams, they had settled into a nice routine of meeting up for lunch every day. When the weather was nice, they’d even sit on the rooftop and see tiny Karasuno for all it’s worth. 

Hinata munches away on his onigiri, a few grains of rice catching on his chin. “Seriously,” he continues, “last week I saw him drinking milk right before practice. Everyone says drinking dairy before you work out is bad! How did he survive?”

“I mean milk is supposed to help you grow taller,” Tadashi says back. 

Hinata pauses in his rambling to stare at Tadashi. “Not cool.”

He shrugs in response. 

“There’s even sometimes when I’m at the store and I see milk that he likes and I think, ‘Oh that’s Kageyama’s milk.’ Like who does that?” 

Tadashi laughs again. “Have you told him that?”

“Um, no, of course not,” Hinata says. He preps his best Kageyama impression, flattening his hair to say, “He’d probably be all like, ‘Boke, Hinata-boke, stop looking at my milk like that.’ I really don’t wanna deal with that.”

“Huh, I thought you told Kageyama everything. I mean, you guys share like a singular brain cell.”

Hinata groans and flops onto his back. “We do not have a singular brain cell, and we definitely don’t tell each other everything. I haven’t even told him about Brazil, so ha!”

While he intends to be proud and petty about it, there’s a certain fear trembling in the back of Hinata’s voice that Tadashi is more than well acquainted with. The idea that you have to get this huge secret off your chest but everything will change when you say it. 

“So you’re serious about Brazil?” Tadashi asks, already fully aware of how crazy Hinata can be. Fly off to a different country and start playing a different sport just for the sake of it? Yeah, that tracks. 

Hinata nods from his position on the ground. “Hundred and twenty percent certain. I just don’t wanna tell him yet.”

As if on cue, the creaking of the rooftop door sounds from behind them to reveal Kageyama and Yachi making their way over. Yachi animatedly talks about something while Kageyama sips on said cursed milk. 

Hinata immediately sits up as he notices them and gives them a wave over. Yachi smiles back in return while Kageyama’s lips slightly curl around his straw. 

“You have rice on your chin,” Kageyama informs Hinata in the flattest tone known to man. Hinata immediately wipes his face while blush surfaces at the top of his cheeks. 

It’s gross to Tadashi. They’re absolutely disgusting. So happy. Tadashi wants to groan or gag but ultimately looks over to Kei and gives him an expression that reads as Are you seeing this shit? 

Kei’s eyes follow Hinata and Kageyama’s normal interactions. He looks back to Tadashi and rolls his eyes to say I hate them, they’re awful. Tadashi nods back in agreement. 

“Oh, Tsukishima-kun,” Yachi remembers. Tadashi taps on Kei’s elbow to get him to take off his headphones and actually pay attention. 

Yachi tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. There’s lemon-shaped hair clips in her hair today, almost matching the color of her blonde hair. “Do you know Ai-chan from Class 5?”

Kei shrugs. “I guess.”

“She was asking if you were single,” Yachi says. She interrupts herself before Kei has the chance to comment. “And I know you don’t like getting set up, but she’s super sweet! You should at least give her a chance.”

“No thanks,” Kei denies. “I don’t have the time to date with the inordinate amount of practices I’m forced to attend. Not to mention, the fact that I have to tutor a pair of idiots with no financial compensation.”

Kageyama and Hinata perk up at that. “Hey! We heard that!” Hinata growls. 

Kei nods. “I know. Regardless, tell her thank you but no thank you.”

Yachi sighs and relinquishes her defeat. It’s not the first time she’s attempted to set any of them up with one of the multiple lovely girls in their class. It’s also not the first time that they rejected the idea outright for one of the multiple excuses they could come up with. 

Still, something about Kei neglecting to even consider the idea of dating sends Tadashi’s heart into a whirlwind. Not that this particular instance means anything. Kei is simply being Kei. He’s rejected tons of girls before, and he’ll reject even more in the future.

Regardless, some small part of Tadashi is content having Kei remain single. Of course, if Kei fell in love, then Tadashi would find a way to stay content. At the end of the day he would do anything if it means that Kei is happy. Doesn’t matter if Tadashi gets to be honest or note. 

But that’s a bridge he could burn when he got to it. For now, Tadashi can eat his lunch with Kei sitting at his side and his friends right in front of him. 

---

Dark waves lap onto the shore. They’re mesmerizing; they way they ebb and flow onto the white sand as the water reflects the full moon from up above. Tadashi can barely even tell where the ocean stops and the sky begins. It’s a picturesque scene, like a million constellations dotting the water and the skies. 

There’s a sort of peace to it all that Tadashi can’t help but crave. Being captain, after all, has turned out to be a rather stressful job. Over the last few weeks, he’s physically felt himself being worn down by the incessant needs of the underclassmen. The whole team was trying their best but the tension in Tadashi’s shoulders simply refused to allay. 

He supposes he should be grateful though. Becoming captain was something he never expected but when the rest of the third-years-to-be agreed in harmony, Tadashi couldn’t resist the offer. He also supposes that he was grateful that they had chosen to come to the beach for their Golden Week training rather than stay near Karasuno like the years prior. A careful mix of indoor matches at a nearby gym and practice time in the sand has proven to be good for them all. 

Tadashi has always liked the ocean. He might have been raised in the country but the seaside continues to call out to him in an oddly pleasant way. 

A door quietly shuts behind him. He turns a little as Kei walks over. 

“Can’t sleep?” Tadashi asks, already aware of the answer.

Kei rests his elbows against the railing of the porch. “Mmm.”

“Same.”

The sounds of the sea fill the void left by their silence. 

Again, Tadashi finds himself recalling his promise to confess at graduation. Now could be the perfect time with the sway of the waves and the peace of the beach. Or if things go badly, Tadashi could just go drown himself. 

The thought of that makes him snort. Kei shoots him a curious glance but ultimately doesn’t say anything. 

Recently, Tadashi’s daydreaming about graduation has slowly shifted to be filled with positive thoughts. Every once in a while, he would imagine something awful but a new part of him is convinced that his feelings could be reciprocated. It’s probably silly but it lets Tadashi keep his promise. 

Graduation would be here before he knew it. He could be happy (or horribly crushed) before the ripe age of 19. 

The cacophonous sound of laughter and shouting pulls Tadashi out of his head. Further down the beach, Kageyama and Hinata are running after one another like the actual children they are. They shout random things at the other as they play tag or something of that nature. Honestly, Tadashi couldn’t tell. He’d stopped trying to excuse away their actions a long, long time ago. 

“The Schweidan Adlers want to recruit Kageyama,” Kei comments, his gaze equally fixed on the monstrous duo. 

Tadashi lets out a low whistle. Who could have guessed that their idiotic setter could end up playing for one of the best teams in the nation? Tadashi had always known that Kageyama had talent but still. 

“He’s also gotten offers from pretty much every major school in the nation even though we haven’t played an official game yet this year,” Kei adds. He presses his lips into a firm line. “He’ll probably end up going with the Adlers though. What’s the point of going to college when you’re already good enough for the V. League?”

There’s some sort of emotion laced in the words that Tadashi can’t quite pick up. If he didn’t know any better, he would assume it’s jealousy. 

“Hinata’s dead set on Brazil,” Tadashi says. “I seriously thought that he was joking, but he says he’s got it all figured out.”

Kei huffs. “Minus the fact he still hasn’t told Kageyama yet.”

“Seriously? But the two of them are like…”

“Yeah.”

It doesn’t take a genius to see the way Kageyama and Hinata look at each other. It also doesn’t take a genius to see that they’re too prideful and idiotic to act on it. 

“They should just tell each other,” Tadashi sighs, realizing he was actually no better. Unlike Hinata and Kageyama though, Tadashi has a plan. Graduation was just so far away. 

Kei lets out a tch. “Yamaguchi, I—”

“HEY!”

Tadashi’s gaze switches from the very concerned look on Kei’s face to see Hinata waving them down from the shore. Kageyama even manages to give them a small half-wave as well. 

“COME AND PLAY WITH US!” Hinata shouts. 

“We’re not children like you idiots!” Kei calls back. 

Tadashi snickers at the comment but begins to walk down anyway. Kei follows behind despite his small protests and crossed arms. 

“Why are you guys still awake?” Kageyama questions with a huff as Tadashi and Kei near. 

“We could ask you two the same exact thing,” Kei quips back. 

Hinata pushes himself between the two before this can escalate any further. “Hey, no fighting! It’s our last Golden Week all together, so we gotta make it count!”

“You make it sound like we’re going to die,” Kageyama comments, crossing his arms. He then notices him and Kei are posed in the exact same way, so he instead balls his fists at his side. Kei rolls his eyes. 

Hinata giggles. “‘Course not! Anyways, who’s up for a little late night swim? Last one in has to buy everyone onigiri for an entire week!”

And before anyone else manages to get a comment in, Hinata is already running towards the shore, leaving his clothes behind in a messy trail. Kageyama’s quick to follow, stripping as he curses sweet profanities in Hinata’s general direction. Tadashi comes next and, with a few tugs of encouragement, Kei decides to trail along too. They ditch their shirts and shoes at the shore and jump into the water with only their shorts to protect against the cool waves. 

Even as they splash around and pull each other under, there’s a certain happiness to it all. An airiness that makes Tadashi eternally grateful to be young. A freedom that makes him long for more experiences like this. Even though he’s chilled to the bone and shivering ever-so-slightly, his smile is relentless as they play around in the water. They’re four children dipping into the fountain of youth. 

The sound of man-made waves and splashes distract them until a shriek voice calls out, “What are you doing?”

They pause in their playful efforts to see Yachi on the shore, crossing her arms as the waves lap at her feet. “You’re scaring the underclassmen!” She continues, her brows forming a thick line. “They couldn’t find anyone, so they woke me up because they were afraid you got kidnapped or something! Is this any way for third years to be acting?”

Tadashi shares a mischievous grin with his fellow agitators. “Speak for yourself, Yachi-san.”

Her face of anger splinters into one of confusion. “What are you—?”

“Kageyama, grab her!” Hinata shouts, pointing directly at Yachi. Kageyama emerges from the water and, with a haste apology, scoops up Yachi to toss her into the water. 

She doesn’t even have time to protest or be upset as the boys continue their happy splashing and soon they’re all giggling like a group of kindergarteners. Kei loses interest pretty early on, opting to float on his back a little ways away. Tadashi joins him as the other three continue to laugh about absolutely nothing at all. 

They float side by side, outstretched limbs not taking up nearly enough space for the endless ocean ahead of them. Tadashi makes small ripples with his fingers and wonder just how long they could stretch out this happy moment into infinity. 

“I’m going to miss this,” he admits. 

Kei lets out a breath. “We can come back to the beach.”

“You hate the beach.”

“Yeah, and?”

Tadashi shakes his head. “And it doesn’t even matter since we won’t have time until… I don’t even know when. With Inter-High and summer training and prelims and winter training and Spring Nationals and exams… we won’t be free until graduation.”

And that’s the particularly terrifying part because who knows what will happen after graduation? Kageyama will enter the V. League, Hinata will fly off to Brazil, Yachi will enter some great university and Kei and Tadashi… 

Tadashi refuses to think about what him and Kei will be like after graduation. Happy, he hopes, but confessions are a dangerous ploy. 

Kei waves off the pessimism. “We’ll come in February.”

An unrestrained laugh takes off the heaviness from Tadashi’s chest. “Yeah, when it’s super cold and everything?”

“Of course, that’s the best time to go. You don’t even have to go into the water.”

Tadashi rolls his eyes. “We should go to Hokkaido or something instead.”

“Sounds nice.”

Their small, insignificant bubble is disturbed once more by a couple of rowdy kids as a misplaced splash from Kageyama manages to drench Kei once more. 

“Oh you’re dead, King,” he growls, standing up to attack him with the water as his only weapon. 

Tadashi joins in, and they return to playing around with little regard for what is happening elsewhere in the world. Because here, in these dark waves off the shore of a small Eastern island, five teenagers continue to act like absolute children. 

When their laughter runs dry and the chill of the night sinks in, they make their way back to the shore. The five of them lay down, heads forming a circle as they settle on their backs. Kageyama sheepishly offers up his shirt for Yachi considering he’s the reason she was soaked in the first place. 

Even with the cold bite of the breeze, there’s an unbelievable warmth in Tadashi’s chest as he cherishes the quiet moment. With misaligned breaths and toes curling into the sand, they stare up at the endless vast of constellations painted in the sky. There isn’t a need for conversation but even when someone has the courage to say something, it doesn’t seem out of line. 

“Where do you think we go when we die?” Hinata asks, his voice a scratchy whisper. 

From beside Tadashi, Kei scoffs. “Is that really what we’re talking about?”

“Nowhere,” Kageyama answers without hesitation. “I think it’s all nothingness for forever.”

“That’s too dark, Yama-Yama-kun!” Hinata complains. “No, I’m going to heaven. And it’s gonna be one volleyball game that lasts forever. I’ll never get tired or sick and I’ll always have fun!”

“I like to think we’ll be reincarnated,” Yachi adds sheepishly. “It’d be nice to come back as a plant or animal or something. Maybe a koala. Seems like they have a nice life.”

“They also have chlamydia,” Kei comments unhelpfully. 

Tadashi reaches over to jab Kei in the side before deciding on his own answer. “When I was little, my mom and I lived with my grandmother. She died when I was pretty young though, so I don’t have a ton of memories with her but I remember my mom saying that she didn’t die, she became stardust. That when our life ends on Earth, we go back to being scattered amongst the stars that we came from. We watch over those who are still living every night. I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s sort of a nice thought. I’d like to think I’d become some sort of constellation.”

The waves continue to crash onto the shore. The stars continue to shine from above. 

“I like that,” Kageyama says quietly. 

A smile etches its way onto Tadashi’s lips. “What about you, Tsukki? What do you think?”

Kei has one hand draped across his chest while the other draws lines in the sand. He lets a few grains fall through his fingertips. “I haven’t thought about it much.”

He shifts his head so it aligns closer with Tadashi’s. He curves closer in response. 

“Stars, huh?” Kei asks, raising an eyebrow. Tadashi nods, certain. “I guess that’s good with me.”

They lie in the sand until the moon is long gone from the sky and the stars watching over them take their rest. Even as dawn breaks, Tadashi can’t help but think he wouldn’t miss the stars since they existed in Kei’s eyes. Same gold, same wonder. 

---

With the curt blow of the whistle, a small part of Tadashi’s heart crumbles away. As if the resounding thud of the ball on their side of the net isn’t enough, the whistle holds its note to signal the end of Karasuno’s reign at their first Inter-High Nationals in over a decade. 

Tadashi tries to regain his breath but it’s futile. Regardless, he looks over his team and analyzes the situation. Hinata is already beginning to tear up, but he quickly buries himself in Kageyama’s shoulder before the cameras manage to capture the moment. The two second year players are trying to hold back their anger while the newly appointed first year wing spiker stares down at his hands in a sort of confusion. 

It’s their first official loss this season and the pain comes from frustration more than anything. 

Tadashi looks across the net, a little disoriented as he witnesses their opponents cheer with unbridled joy. They’ve made the top four. They get to play center court. 

Tadashi doesn’t have time for jealousy or pettiness. He calls out to the team, “Line up!” and the boys follow suit. Some members from the warm-up square didn’t get a chance to play today. Other members in the stands haven’t had a chance to play all season. One member remains on the bench even as the others gather on the court. 

“Tsukki, come on,” Tadashi instructs with a wave. “It’s a sprained wrist, not a broken ankle. You can walk.”

Yachi nervously eyes Kei as he rises from the bench, gingerly holding his right arm. The gauze supporting his wrist is hastily done and downright ugly. He’ll have to get it properly fixed later. 

Kei takes slow steps towards the court before assuming his rightful place between Kageyama and their second-year libero. They go through the post-game motions like they always do, but Tadashi keeps a careful eye on Kei throughout the process. When they shake hands, the opponents each give Kei a weary glance and a small bow as they pass. He doesn’t react much at all in return. 

They say their thanks to the teary-eyed crowd and receive quick feedback as the next team pushes their way onto the court. Tadashi moves Karasuno along the best he can. Tears flow easily now from everyone but Tadashi can’t fall apart quite yet. There’s more to do. 

The team settles in a back hallway where not many can see their pain. After checking up on each member, offering water or comfort the best he can, Tadashi silently slips away to follow the tall shadow that went off to the locker rooms. 

Sitting on the center bench, Kei is unwrapping his wrist. His face grimaces with pain, but he doesn’t scream out like he had during the match. The echoing yelp of absolute anguish and fear can’t seem to fade in Tadashi’s mind. No, it replays over and over and over again because he’d never heard Kei like that. 

“Stop before you hurt it even more,” Tadashi instructs, crossing the room. His tone is sharper than he’d like but there’s nothing he can do about it now. 

Kei drops his left arm and allows the right to be taken into Tadashi’s care. He rewraps it, watching for Kei’s flinch or twist away. He takes it all quite well considering the injury is still fresh. 

Tadashi lets out a breath, trying to relieve the knots twisting in his stomach. The ball had bounced off of his block, his weak block that would have been done a million times better if Kei hadn’t sprained his stupid wrist. It was Tadashi’s fault for not adding more strengthening exercises to their regiment, his fault for instructing their libero to always be behind Kei, his fault for—

“Stop blaming yourself,” Kei says quietly. His eyes are fixed on his wrist like he’s afraid it’ll shatter the moment he looks away. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

Tadashi shook his head. “You can’t blame yourself for getting injured. I’m the one who fucked up the block.”

“You wouldn’t have been out there if my wrist worked correctly,” Kei griped back. 

That’s the most pathetic thing about all of this though: it had been Tadashi’s first time on the court since his first year for something other than a pinch serve. He likes serving, sure, it’s what he’s trained to do. But he wants to be equals on the court with his fellow teammates. He wants to play. But the one chance he gains is at Kei’s expense. 

“But I was out there,” Tadashi says, his voice growing. He really doesn’t want to fight but the remorse over losing the game is slowly morphing into anger he can’t help but direct at Kei. “And we both agree that it’s my fault. If you had been out there, it wouldn’t have been me. We’re on the same page here.”

“That’s not the same—”

“Isn’t it?” Tadashi laughs because the entire situation is so fucked up that he’s starting to see the humor in it all. “You can be mad at me Tsukki, it’s fine. But don’t be mad at yourself for getting injured. You can’t control that.”

Kei leans in closer until the point where their noses nearly brush. “And you can’t always control when the block doesn’t go through. Stop thinking about one stupid point you lost and start thinking about all of those points you gained.”

They stare at each other, gold mixing with green, until Tadashi feels the emotions welling up inside him. He chokes back the tears, keeping his eyes locked with Kei until a sob manages to escape him. He hates crying. He hates feeling helpless. He hates the sickening feeling of not being in control over your own body.

But Kei, unfortunately, has seen him cry more times than Tadashi can count. And he does what he always does; he stays, makes sure that Tadashi is okay, and waits until everything is out of his system. Usually he refrains from physical contact but today Kei places his unbroken hand atop Tadashi’s and lingers in that dirty little locker room until Tadashi has cried out every tear he can. 

And, for a moment, Tadashi swears he sees Kei crying too. 

Tadashi doesn’t mention it though as he finally wipes away the evidence of his breakdown. He simply recollects himself and leaves with Kei by his side. And he hopes, with every ounce of his being, that a little locker room at Nationals will be the last place where Kei will see him cry.

As they make their way back to the rest of the team, Tadashi reminisces on the days back in elementary school where Kei would stand by his side and wait for his tears to pass. Who would've thought that nothing at all would have changed between them after all this time? A part of Tadashi wished that they could stay consistent but a larger part was just waiting for the day that change would come. 

---

“I have no intention of quitting.”

Takeda laughs lightly as he shuffles his papers. It still doesn’t wipe away the scary vibe that only Takeda can pull off when it concerns the volleyball players. It doesn’t help that the little light provided by the clubroom turned interrogation office only adds to his intimidation techniques. 

Even though Tadashi knew this meeting was coming, he’s still a little frightened with the way Takeda stares him down. 

 “I’m well aware of that fact, Yamaguchi-kun,” Takeda says with a smile. “I don’t think I could get you to quit even if I used my full begging skills. Even if some of the other third years were deciding to leave, I doubt you would follow in their footsteps.”

Tadashi nods since he’s right after all. It doesn’t matter how little play time he gets or how much time he’ll spend training, Tadashi isn’t done with volleyball quite yet. 

“This meeting is more to help understand your intentions after graduation,” Takeda explains. “It’s best to have a plan in place so we can make sure you’re meeting the needs of your career goals. Now, do you plan on attending university?” 

“Yes.”

Takeda scribbles something down on his paper. “Any schools in mind?” 

Tadashi hesitates before eventually shaking his head. 

“Is there a specific field you would like to go into?” 

Again, Tadashi shakes his head. 

Takeda lets out a small sigh and sets down his pen. “I don’t want to frighten you, but you’re the one I worry about most, Yamaguchi-kun.”

A wave of chills reverberates up and down Tadashi’s spine. He barely manages to ask, “Why?” 

Takeda presses his lips together. “I fear you will go to lengthy extents to make those around you feel happy. I hope, whatever your future may entail, that it is something that makes you happy.”

“What makes me happy…” Tadashi repeats to himself. 

Tadashi’s a simple guy. There’s a lot that makes him happy. Volleyball. Soggy french fries. Apple juice. His friends. New music. 

None of this would guarantee him a happy future though. At the end of the day though, is it so wrong to help others feel happy? What if Tadashi found joy out of that? 

He immediately scraps the idea though since he knows deep down he’s actually driven by selfish desires. He may not always know what he wants, but he’ll often go through extreme lengths to get it. It’s his stubbornness, after all, that has allowed him to be equals on the court. 

Tadashi readjusts his seating. “I’ll start looking into schools,” he promises. 

Takeda hands him over a few papers. At the top is a job survey interest form. 

“I’m confident you’ll find something,” Takeda says warmly. “But if you don’t have a list of schools before the end of the summer I’m afraid we’ll have to have another discussion.” He pushes up his glasses, making the light in his eyes disappear. 

It scares Tadashi enough to quickly gather his things, thank Takeda for the guidance, and leave before he can threaten him again. 

What makes Tadashi happy…

---

“Sorry for the intrusion!”

Hinata and Kageyama race each other to take their shoes off at the genkan before bounding further into Kei’s house. The rest of them, Tadashi, Kei, and Yachi, calmly follow after dropping their own things. 

“I genuinely wonder if one day they’ll actually be apologetic for barging into my house,” Kei sighs as they walk through. 

“Well at least I’m grateful you allow us to say, Tsukishima-kun!” Yachi says.

As the lagging group enters the kitchen, Tadashi can already see that Hinata’s claimed a prized spot at the kitchen counter while Kageyama’s rummaging through the fridge.

“Do you have any milk?” Kageyama asks, poking his head around the door. 

Kei simply walks over and slaps his hand away from the fridge. “I hope you become lactose-intolerant,” he chides, shooing Kageyama away. He yawns in return, already bored from the conversation apparently. 

Kei pulls out a bottle of apple juice and slides it over to Tadashi. Everyone else receives a water bottle for their drink of choice. 

“Wait a minute, I want apple juice too!” Hinata complains. 

Kei shrugs. “Last bottle.”

“You always say that! I bet you have a secret stache in there saved just for Yamaguchi!”

Tadashi tries his best to not react since he’s telling the truth after all. When Tadashi was still young and scared, he admitted to Kei’s mother one day how much he adored apple juice but how his own mom couldn’t afford it at the time. Tsukishima Fumiyo took one look at Tadashi and decided that was simply unacceptable. She began to buy apple juice specially for anytime Tadashi came over, going as far to label it for him to keep the grabby hands of Akiteru away. In a way, Fumiyo was one of the best things that could have happened to a young Tadashi. 

While Tadashi loves his own mother dearly, at the end of the day she just… wasn’t there. She works long hours, travels, and rarely has time to see Tadashi, let alone know what his drink preferences are. He can’t blame her. She works to pay for everything after all. It’s not like his father is about to help out and alleviate some of their financial hardships. He has his own family and sons to worry about. 

So when Tadashi met Kei, he received more than a best friend. He received a family. 

He would hate to lose that over something as silly as love. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kei replies flatly, taking a swig from his own water bottle. 

“Have any food?” Kageyama asks flatly. 

Kei rolls his eyes. “Stop assuming I’ll give you something if you come into my house. I don’t want you all here in the first place. It’s too cramped with this many people.”

“Ok but it’d be way more cramped if we went to Yamaguchi’s or Yachi’s apartment!” Hinata argues.  “My house is too far away and Kageyama isn’t allowed to have people over so your house is really the only option here.”

Kei groans, but he doesn’t kick them out. He never does. As much as he may complain about being in the presence of the others, not once has that hostility or indifference been genuine. He gets annoyed, sure, but Tadashi suspects that Kei actually quite likes the rest of them (subconsciously, of course). 

They settle into a regular routine of what they always do whenever they have an afternoon off. They bicker over what to do before settling down and getting homework done (or rather the three people going to college get their work done while the two athletes do the bare minimum that allows them to get a high school degree). They eat the snacks Fumiyo always provides them with and watch a movie when everything’s all done. Sometimes Hinata and Kageyama leave early to go play volleyball. Other times, Yachi leaves early to get some of her managerial work done. Tadashi always stays last, sometimes spending the night when he knows his mom won’t return. Other days he’ll wave his same goodbye and bask in the small smile Kei gives him when he leaves. 

I’m comfortable , Tadashi decides as he watches his friends focus on their homework for once. Hinata’s brows are knotted together as he scribbles down some answers while Kageyama’s lips form silent words as he reads over an English paper. Yachi celebrates her little victories with a scrunched nose and squinty eyes. Kei simply keeps his neutral face, the light from the nearby windows casting shadows to accentuate the point of his nose and cut of his cheekbones.

I’m going to miss this, a part of Tadashi screams. Because he will. When they graduate and face new adventures, it’ll be different. Of course they’ll have reunions, but nothing would quite be the same. Who knows when it’ll be the last day they can do something as simple as homework together? Despite the looming fear of inevitable change, one thought rises above the rest. 

I’m happy. 

---

The sun is relentless. 

Even though it’s still morning, Tadashi can feel his shirt clinging to his chest as a fair bit of sweat begins to bead at his forehead, chest, and neck. Summer has barely begun, and yet he’s already ready for the nice chill of winter to set in. 

The awful thing about the summer is that Tadashi tans. Even if he’s only outside for a few minutes, he’ll get the worst tan lines for no reason at all. He lifts the sleeve of his uniform only to confirm that his arm is already split into two different colors. 

Kei, on the other hand, burns. Tadashi can see the bit of pink dotting the back of Kei’s neck. The sun hates them both he supposes. 

“It feels like it’s August already,” Tadashi complains, readjusting the strap to his school bag. “Nozomi—er ah… my dad… he wants me to come down over break but the heat will be even worse in Tokyo.”

Kei snorts. “What does your mom think about it?”

Tadashi rubs at his arm. “She thinks I shouldn’t go. I mean it’s not like he’s done much for us anyways. Plus I’m not sure if I really want to meet my half-brothers…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Kei assures. “We have training camp anyways. But I guess that means you’ll just have to face the Tokyo summer heat regardless.”

Tadashi realizes his mistake and groans. “Don’t remind me. I already know that Shibayama and Lev are dying to practice receives with me. They made me stay behind for two hours last year! And I thought Lev hated receiving!”

“I know, I remember,” Kei hums, hiding his smirk. “Have you even tried to say no?”

“Oh don’t give me that,” Tadashi argues back, pointing a finger at Kei. “You can’t say no anytime someone from Gym 3 asks for a block.

Kei pushes up his glasses. “That’s beside the point.”

Tadashi lets out a breath, tilting his head back only to wince at the glaring sun. Even as it beats down on his skin, there’s warmth in his chest from more than the heat. Summers with Kei used to mean eating ice cream in grassy lawns and stargazing at the clear night sky. They would make popsicles—Kei always insisting on strawberry while Tadashi opted for peach or apple or lemon—and light sparklers when the sun had finally set. With sticky hands and muddy shoes, they were free from the burdens life would soon place upon them. Things like betrayal and pride and love. 

Those happy days of adolescence are long gone but Tadashi remembers them with a fond nostalgia all the same. Rather, he misses those days all the same. A part of him hopes those happy, giggly days would return after graduation. He doesn’t want to think of a future without them. 

“After practice today, do you want to go to that ice cream shop next to your house?” Tadashi asks, hoping to reclaim some of that childhood euphoria. 

Kei raises an eyebrow as a smile slides onto his lips. “Haven’t thought about that place in ages,” he concedes. And he doesn’t outright agree but Tadashi knows that smile is a silent yes.

Our last summer together, a part of Tadashi sighs internally. There’s a tugging at his chest that knows it’s the truth. 

---

Kei was right; the heat of Tokyo is absolutely atrocious. 

Even with the blasting AC of the gym, Tadashi’s sweating like a disgusting pig. He’s not brave enough to strip off his shirt lest he get a death stare from the older coaches but what he would give to dive into a pool right now. It’s like no matter how much water he drinks, he just sweats it out the next moment leaving him in a horribly dehydrated cycle of death. 

Hinata and Kageyama are still practicing on the court, trying to perfect what they’re lovingly referring to as their ‘Backwards Super Ultra Quick!’ After seeing the Miya's pull of their reversed version of the super quick again at Spring Nationals, Hinata and Kageyama have been dying to recreate it. While Kageyama’s aptitude for volleyball may extend to any position, Hinata is far from becoming a setter. Overall the trick is better than it was when they first tried it out, but Kageyama still stops after every other rep to harshly critique Hinata’s setting.

Meanwhile, Kei’s walking over from helping one of the benched first-years with his blocking. There’s a tiredness evident from his drooping shoulders as he wipes his goggles off with a towel. He pauses before Tadashi as he hands him a water bottle. 

Karasuno’s practically unrecognizable from the underdog team that they’d formed during Tadashi’s first year. They’re considered a powerhouse school; an impenetrable force with some of the most unique players in the nation. The change was so gradual that Tadashi didn’t see it but now as he overlooks the team, there’s a certain shock that arises when he thinks about everything they’ve accomplished. The qualifiers for Nationals are nearing and Tadashi knows Karasuno is more than ready. 

Kei swallows down a gulp of water from beside him. He pauses briefly, keeping the bottle beside his lips. “It’s strange,” he notes, eyes flicking over to a group of their first years interacting with some Fukurodani and Nekoma underclassmen. 

“What is?” Tadashi asks, following his gaze. 

“They keep coming to me for advice,” Kei explains. “Even the first-years who want help with receiving or serving. I send them to you or the idiots, but they always end up coming back to me.”

A short hmm escapes Tadashi as he begins to consider that practically none of the underclassmen have come to him for advice. There was even a new member trying to perfect his jump floater who seldom asked for help. Tadashi certainly went to his captains in the years prior for advice and tips; Daichi’s defense training alone let Tadashi specialize in picking up blocked balls. Why didn’t any of the current first years do the same?

Tadashi takes a long sip from his water bottle then waves Yachi over. She sets up her managers-in-training with some tasks before heading towards them. “Did you need something?” She asks, nearing them on the edge of the court. 

“You’re close with the first years, right?” Tadashi questions. Yachi nods along. “Are they doing well? Like, are they okay with everything?”

“As far as I’m aware of, yes,” Yachi says with a hint of confusion of her tone. She matches Kei’s sight line to the group of meddling first years. “Is something wrong?”

“They keep coming to me for advice instead of Yamaguchi,” Kei explains with a groan. 

“Which isn’t necessarily bad,” Tadashi cuts in, “but I guess I’m just wondering if they don’t like me or something.”

Yachi yelps, pulling her clipboard in closer. “That… ah… that might be my fault,” she admits, lowering her voice. 

Tadashi takes a step closer. “What did you do?”

“Well you see… when the first years were submitting their applications to me, they were asking me about the club because they had heard about Hinata and Kageyama and their quick of course, but they also knew we had a talented third-year middle blocker who was really tall, and I was like, ‘Oh you mean Tsukishima-kun?’ and they were like, ‘Yeah him! He’s super scary and tall!’ and I laughed since like you’re not that scary, Tsukishima-kun, but they couldn’t see it and I didn’t want them to be frightened of you because that would hinder team dynamics, so I told them about the time that Yamaguchi-kun yelled at you—well I mean he’s yelled at you a lot but I specifically told them about that time during our first year—and they were like ‘Woah I can’t believe someone stood up to that guy!’ so they started to think that Yamaguchi-kun was actually the scary one and you sort of proved it right since you’re the captain and keep everyone in line and yell when necessary and… yeah. They’re scared of you. Sorry.”

Tadashi blinks a few times, trying to digest everything Yachi’s saying. He looks over to find Kei covering his mouth to prevent his smile from escaping. It doesn’t matter since his expression is still visible from his wide eyes and raised brows. 

“I… I can’t believe this,” Tadashi manages to vocalize. “Am I really that scary?”

“No, no, of course not!” Yachi tries to say convincingly as she waves her arms back and forth. “You’re not scary at all! I just didn’t want them to be scared of Tsukishima-kun!”

Kei lets out a full laugh, quickly stifling it as soon as it surfaces. Tadashi rolls his eyes. 

He spots a few of the first years on their way out and decides to test it out for himself. Tadashi calls out to Yasuhiro, their sweet but powerful ace-in-training. He stiffens at his name before eventually making his way over to the third years. 

“Did you need something, Captain-san?” Yasuhiro asks, a little quiver in his voice. 

“You don’t have to be so formal,” Tadashi tries to calm. Kei continues to hide his laugh. “Do you think I’m scary?”

Yasuhiro’s eyes dart around the room. “Of course not, Captain-san!”

“Seriously, you can call me Yamaguchi. Or even Tadashi, I don’t mind. You don’t have to be so nervous.”

Yasuhiro nods firmly. “Right, Cap—er ah… Yamaguchi-senpai.” He’s trembling. 

Tadashi sighs and gives up. “Just remember you and the other first years can always come to me for advice.”

“Yes sir!”

Yasuhiro remains standing, arms crossed behind his back and back arched perfectly straight like he’s some member of the military. Tadashi dumbly realizes he’s waiting for a dismissal. 

“You can go,” he relinquishes. 

Yasuhiro jogs off to join a group of the other first years, certainly to tell them about his terrifying experience with their no-nonsense captain. Tadashi wants to appear like a capable leader but honestly this is going too far. 

“Sorry, Yamaguchi-kun,” Yachi offers. “Maybe when they see you drooling then they’ll believe that you’re actually a nice guy!”

“What are you talking about?” Tadashi questions. “I don’t drool.”

Kei refutes with a simple, “Yes, you do,” while Yachi asks, “You seriously don’t think you drool in your sleep?”

Tadashi’s about to argue back when Hinata and Kageyama provide them with a much-needed reprieve. 

“What are you guys talking about?” Hinata asks, grabbing him and Kageyama a water bottle from the bench.

“Yamaguchi-kun thinks he doesn’t drool in his sleep,” Yachi explains. 

Hinata lets out a laugh while Kageyama rolls his eyes. “Of course you drool, everyone sees it.”

“Yeah, why do you think Tsukishima’s shoulder is always wet after a bus ride?” Hinata adds. 

Tadashi’s face flushes with red. He can’t bear to even look at Kei. It’s bad enough he drools as is but on Kei? On bus rides? In front of the rest of the team? Tadashi would rather die right here right now than consider that he’s drooled enough on Kei for multiple people to be aware of this fact. 

Luckily, one of the needy first years comes to the rescue. For the first time this day, Tadashi’s glad he’s actually considered a ‘scary captain’ as the boy asks Kei to watch his blocking. Kei agrees, silently handing off his water bottle without bothering to face him. 

As Kei follows the boy back onto the court, Tadashi swears there’s a bit of pink on his cheeks as well. 

---

Upon actually facing the roller coaster, Tadashi can feel his knees buckle beneath him. 

“I’m going to die,” Tadashi concludes. “If I get on that thing I will actually die. This is how I go.”

Kei snickers from beside him. He’s always been indifferent towards roller coasters but upon crossing this particular ride, his face lit up just a bit more than usual. It’s Jurassic Park themed after all, Kei’s favorite movie no matter how much he denied his love for the film. 

The whole thing is decked out with a jungle-like atmosphere to emulate the island. Dino decorations are everywhere, and they’re even playing clips of the movie on small screens in the waiting line. Even though they aren’t at the front yet, Tadashi can clearly see the huge statuette pterodactyls that covered the actual car of the ride. 

Kei’s eyes are constantly wandering around the place, taking everything in. He’s even corrected Tadashi a few times about the dinosaur names as he shifts his weight between his legs. In Kei terms, he’s practically jumping up and down. 

“I think I’m gonna puke,” Yachi says and Tadashi has no doubt in the statement. She’s practically as green as the fake trees around them. 

“Don’t worry Yachi-san! You’ll be fine!” Says the one guy known for throwing up at the worst possible times. Hinata’s bounding with energy, of course. It was his suggestion to come to a theme park in the first place. Tadashi’s half-convinced at this point that Hinata can exist off of adrenaline alone. 

Kageyama’s the same way. While he isn’t as outwardly excited as Hinata, he has that look on his face when he’s about to go for a second service ace. They’re gremlins. Both of them. Tadashi wishes they hadn’t invited him in the first place. 

They scooch forward in line, nearing the front. The screams of the other patrons drown out the upbeat music blasting through old PA systems. Tadashi’s hands are trembling. He quickly formulates an exit plan, one that will get both him and Yachi out of this situation but before he can solidify anything, Hinata’s telling the attendant that all five of them are ready to ride. 

Tadashi and Yachi simultaneously begin to protest, but they’re already getting shuffled along to the nearest cart. The attendant locks the safety gate behind them and there’s no going back. 

“I’m going to die,” Tadashi repeats. 

“I’m going to puke,” Yachi says again. 

Hinata jumps over to the middle seat, struggling to hop into position. Kageyama files in after him, going so far as to actually help Hinata reach the safety bars that help to strap him down from overhead. Yachi reluctantly takes a seat next to Hinata, dragging Tadashi to sit beside her. He obliges and helps to check the safety bars, making sure they’re super extra locked down. 

After getting himself situated (triple checking the locks are actually secure), Tadashi leans forward to see Kei beside Kageyama. Tadashi gives him a look that screams I’m going to die. Kei silently says back, You’ll be fine. 

The attendant checks their bars but Tadashi still has fear in the actual safety of this thing. As they voice in some intro about them flying off with the pterodactyls in Jurassic Park, Tadashi is silently praying he just makes it through this experience. 

And then they’re being lifted. Tadashi’s feet rise from the ground as the cart ascends into its initial position. Yachi takes his hand and Tadashi squeezes back knowing they’re both about to suffer immensely. 

Tadashi doesn’t even have time to say goodbye to the world before they’re soaring upwards, stories upon stories even though Tadashi’s stomach is still on the ground. He’s screaming. Or at least he thinks he is. His ears popped the moment they shot up. 

They reach the top of the tower with a boom. The cart stays in place, allowing them to look out over the city of trees for one last moment. Tadashi, who’s never been on an airplane in his entire life, has never seen the Earth from this high above. The amusement park is splayed beneath them but beyond that is the lush greenery that surrounds their mountainous region. There are the ruins of the Aoba Castle and the center of Sendai further on.

For a moment, they really are flying. 

But then they come crashing down to the Earth at speeds Tadashi didn’t even think was possible. The wind stings against his face as it fills his ears, even Hinata’s laughter from a seat over is drowned out by the rest of the world. They come dangerously close to hitting the ground before the cart soars upwards again and again. 

They bounce a few times like that, each direction change allowing Tadashi to release another scream. Beside him, Yachi’s on the verge of death. Hinata’s still laughing like a maniac, arms out and spread like he’s the one controlling this thing. Kageyama’s yelling too; a bit surprising considering how he usually acts but it seems like he’s having fun regardless. Kei, opposingly, has his hands clenched in front of him with a mortifying look on his face. Even dinosaurs can’t save him now. 

The ride can’t stop any sooner. They’re lowered slowly, until Tadashi can feel the safe, safe ground beneath his wobbly legs. He struggles out of his restraints only to nearly collapse out of gratitude that he’s still somehow alive. 

Hinata continues to laugh as they exit the ride, disregarding the fact that Yachi is nearly deceased. 

“Wasn’t that so much fun?” Hinata cheers.

“Fun is one word for it,” Tadashi comments as he helps Yachi to a bench. Her eyes are wide and still in shock as she attempts to regulate her breathing. 

“We should go again,” Kageyama says. 

“Yeah, yeah! Let’s go again!” Hinata agrees, jumping up and down. 

Kei firmly shakes his head. While he’s not quite as shaken as Yachi or Tadashi, he’s still slightly trembling. “No thank you.”

“Oh come on Tsukishima!” Hinata groans. “I thought dinosaurs were like your thing! If you ride again, you get to see everything again.”

“Pass.”

“Fine, fine,” Hinata relinquishes. He finally seems to notice that Yachi and Tadashi aren’t exactly in the best of shape. “Oh my god, are you guys okay?”

Yachi nods a little, managing to stand on jellied legs. “I’m going to the ladies’ room for a second,” she says, limping towards the nearest restroom. 

“Why didn’t you guys say you didn’t like roller coasters?” Hinata demands. “We could have done something else!”

“It’s fine,” Tadashi assures. “How about while we recover, you guys can go on the ride again? And then we can find some games to play or eat or something?”

“Are you sure?”

Tadashi nods. “We’ll be alright, but we might have to take it easy for a while.”

“Okay, well tell us when you’re not feeling well! It’s important to take care of yourself after all.” Hinata slams a fist to his chest. Kageyama nods beside him. 

“Like you’re one to talk,” Kei chides but Hinata and Kageyama are already racing off, some argument following them as the head towards the line again. 

Tadashi lets out a breath. He hasn’t been this panicked in a long time. His trembling hands and shaking legs are only testament to how truly terrified he is, even after landing safely. 

“Told you that you wouldn’t die,” Kei comments in a low voice as he comes to sit by Tadashi on the bench. 

“I may not have died, but I am certain I lost part of my soul just now,” Tadashi exhales. 

Kei shakes his head. “You don’t have to go along with things in order to please Hinata and Kageyama. They think you’re a good captain regardless so stop worrying so much.”

Tadashi can’t contain the shock on his face. Not because Kei’s being (somewhat) nice over something, but because for someone so smart he’s horribly dense. Tadashi would never go to these lengths for Hinata and Kageyama; he did enough for them in his daily life to prove he was a good captain, thank you very much.

No, Tadashi did this so he could see Kei light up when he talked about dinosaurs all throughout the line. The smirk that rose on his face as he criticized the accuracy of the little informational walls and lectured to a bored Kageyama and Hinata the difference between a Brachiosaurus and a Lusotitan.  Tadashi lived for these little moments where Kei was completely himself, freed from whatever social stigma was holding him back. 

Tadashi wants to tell him. It’d be so easy. He could simply say, I did this for you, not them. It’s you who I love, Tsukki. And then they’d kiss and fireworks would explode over the sky and it’d be happily ever after and the end.

Instead, Tadashi scratches the back of his neck, gives a, “Sorry Tsukki,” and drops the thought all together. 

By the time Yachi has come back, refreshed with her smile back on, Kageyama and Hinata are winded from their second round. 

The five of them make their way through the rest of the theme park, indulging in fried foods and playing little games. They’re all pretty awful at winning, but Kei manages to hit the jackpot for some ring toss game. He ends up with a dinosaur (a horribly inaccurate stegosaurus according to Kei) that he immediately passes onto Tadashi. 

“I don’t need some stupid stuffed animal,” Kei excuses, turning away as he hands it over. 

Tadashi can only grin and squeeze the big plush against his chest. “Thank you, Tsukki!”

He waves off the gratitude. 

It’s easy to pretend they’re dating and this is yet another present Kei has given to show his love. It’s easy to pretend that they’ll be together this year, the next, and every year after that. It’s easy to pretend that their existences will stretch into infinity. 

It’s hard to pretend that Tadashi isn’t desperately and hopelessly in love with his best friend. 

As the day stretches into night, the park comes alive in a new way. With fairy lights strung up between the booths and the moon watching over them, everything becomes timeless. Ethereal, almost. Because this, like every other moment Tadashi has experienced over the last few months of his third year, will also pass. 

He allows himself to bask in the moment and tries his best to not imagine a world without Kei beside him. 

Tadashi allows himself to be happy a little while longer. 

---

Aside from the freakishly talented volleyball team, Karasuno is your average, everyday Japanese high school. It’s a fact that Tadashi relishes in given the quite extreme nature of the club he leads. On the days when the freak duo proves to be too energetic for a mere peasant like Tadashi, he finds solace in his perfectly normal classmates. 

Although, even that’s changed. 

His classmates used to talk to him about homework or what movie they saw last weekend or what new restaurant they were dying to try out. They’d include Tadashi on the petty school gossip and who was going out with who and what girl was secretly vying for Kei (once, it was even about a girl who was trying to go after Tadashi. Now that was a surprise). 

But recently, it’s all been about volleyball. How Tadashi thinks they’ll do at nationals or what the other third years are doing after graduation or who they want to cheer them on at the next tournament. Even his reprieve has become tainted with volleyball. 

Tadashi still loves volleyball. How couldn’t he? But a part of him misses talking about nothing at all. 

Maybe that’s why he likes hanging out with Yachi so much. She always has something to ramble on about not related to club activities. Even now, she’s ranting about this pretty girl she saw at the store last weekend and how badly Yachi wanted to ask her out. 

“Ugh, I wish I could talk to girls,” Yachi sighs. A part of Tadashi feels guilty considering her closest friends are a bunch of sweaty, volleyball-obsessed teenage boys with absolutely no experience when it came to interacting with women other than Yachi. 

“I’m sure if you keep trying, then you’ll find yourself a nice girl, Yachi-san,” Tadashi says to alleviate some of her fears. 

They round the corner of the hallway and Tadashi readjusts the box with the clean banner in it. Yachi had cleaned it over the weekend in a nervous panic to prepare for Nationals qualifiers even though they still had some time until their first set of games. 

“What about you, Yamaguchi-kun?” Yachi asks innocently. “Any girls catching your eye lately?”

“Not really.” It’s the truth considering Tadashi’s pining after a boy after all. 

“Well if that’s the case, have you considered Suzuki-chan from the girl's volleyball team? It’d be so cute if the two volleyball captains were dating!”

Tadashi mumbles out some excuse about not having time or getting distracted or something. Sometimes, Yachi’s suggestions are actually people that Tadashi would consider if it wasn’t for his stupid crush. Suzuki is one of them. She’s tall and blonde and smart and has a wonderful smile; the sort of perfect captain with no visible flaws. But the few times he’d talk with her at captains meetings, she always seemed more interested in Kageyama. He can’t blame her. 

They exit out the doors and cross the courtyard towards the clubroom. The heat still presses down on them like an oppressive force, only marginally better than what it was in Tokyo at camp a few weeks back. 

“Come on, Yamaguchi-kun!” Yachi whines as they ascend the staircase. “She’s so nice though!”

“Yachi, she’s not my type but thank you.”

Yachi pulls out her set of keys, equipped with a matching volleyball keychain that Tadashi and Kageyama have on their clubroom key set, and opens the door. “What is your type then?”

“Not girls,” Tadashi finds himself muttering as he passes through.

Shit. 

Was that out loud?

Tadashi whips around to defend himself or say it was a joke, but Yachi’s already lighting up, practically beaming from the news. 

“You like boys ?” She whispers harshly. No one else is in the room, but she still apparently finds the need to keep this quiet. “Why didn’t you tell me? We could have bonded over being gay! I could have set you up with boys!”

“Same rules still apply, I don’t have time for a boyfriend either,” Tadashi replies as he sets down the box. He tries his best to stay calm and tries his best not to dwell on the fact that this is the first time he’s come out to someone. 

“Is it because you like someone?”

Tadashi turns on his heel to stop the thought before it grows anymore but Tadashi’s face betrays him and tells Yachi the whole story. 

“Who is it?” Yachi presses, leaning in closer. 

Tadashi sighs. It might be nice to get it off his chest. He’s been carrying this weight for over half a year now, surely he could tell someone else. And, knowing Yachi, the conversation would end after today. She’s amazing at keeping secrets so there really wasn’t anyone better to tell. 

“Okay,” Tadashi begins, holding out his pinky. “I’ll tell you but you can never tell. No matter what. You absolutely cannot tell him. Promise?”

Yachi nods excitedly and loops her pinky through Tadashi’s. They press a kiss on their respective thumbs to lock in the deal. No going back now, Tadashi supposes. 

“It’s Tsukki,” he admits. And, for a brief second, it does feel like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. 

Yachi blinks a few times, still registering. “Wow. Admittedly, I’m a little surprised.”

Tadashi shrugs. “I mean it is Tsukki we’re talking about here after all. It was probably inevitable that I’d end up falling in love with him.”

“I’ll stay quiet about it, of course but… are you ever going to tell him?”

Tadashi imagines graduation. It’s only about half a year away now. He can wait a bit longer. 

“I’ll tell him at graduation,” Tadashi says. “I’m not sure how, but I think that would be best.”

“Ooh, maybe you can give him your button or something!”

Tadashi laughs at the thought of Kei receiving a uniform button. He’d probably think it was stupid, or he would ignore it completely. Or, if Tadashi was lucky, Kei would blush and pocket it quickly for no one else to see. He’d then do nothing immediately (this is Kei, after all) but after the celebrations are over he would come back up to Tadashi and kiss him silly and they could start on some new adventure together. 

It’s the nice warm thoughts like this, some of which he even shares with a giggling Yachi, that keeps Tadashi firm in his own feelings. He can wait until graduation. There’s still so much to do before then. 

---

“You cut your hair.”

Tadashi’s hand reflexively finds its way to the back of his newly exposed nape. Kei’s right, of course. His hair hasn’t been this short since childhood. But the heat of the summer finally got to Tadashi and frankly he was tired of always attempting to tie it up, only for it to stick to his neck in sweaty clumps. 

So he cut his hair. 

He picks at the front pieces of his fringe, a little worried at the reception. Kei seems defensive. There’s a firm line on his lips, even more pronounced than usual. 

It’s just hair. It’s not like Kei asked for permission to grow out his own hair longer this year (not that Tadashi’s complaining since he thinks the long curls are actually quite flattering). 

“I wanted to try something new,” Tadashi says. And then, ever-desperate for Kei’s approval, he asks, “Do you like it?”

Kei doesn’t respond. Doesn’t give so much as a hmm or a nod. Instead, he pulls his headphones over his ears and sticks his hands into his pockets. Tadashi tries his best to give Kei space when he needs it, but recently he’s been acting like this more and more. Distant and cold for seemingly no reason at all. 

Tadashi’s simply glad the phases seem to be just that: a phase. They pass quickly and Kei will probably be back to normal by the time class starts but that doesn’t keep Tadashi from pointlessly worrying during the silence. 

He takes in the streets around them. They’ve walked this same route twice a day for almost three years now. And before that, they walked the same route towards their middle school. And before that, they walked the same route to their elementary school. 

Eight years of friendship seems unreal. Over half of Tadashi’s life now has been with Kei at his side. Quite frankly, Tadashi didn’t think they would last this long. He was certain that once they reached middle school that Kei would break off and find a cooler group of friends that fit his own cool personality. Instead, he stayed next to Tadashi. 

He still wonders why. 

There’s a rhythm to Kei’s steps beside him. He must be walking to the beat. Tadashi can’t hear the tune, but he assumes it’s something upbeat or angry given his brisk pace. Tadashi can barely manage to stay next to him, let alone walk ahead. 

It’s probably for the best though as a car comes dangerously close to hitting him. Tadashi’s body moves on its own as he harshly yanks Kei backwards as the car zips by them, screaming some profanity about getting out of the way. 

It’s your fault in the first place, asshole, Tadashi thinks to himself before realizing he still has his hand wrapped around Kei. 

He instantly rips it away, hoping the blush on his cheeks can be excused for the heat. Kei sighs and takes off his headphones. 

“Thank you,” he says flatly, eyes avoiding Tadashi as he turns back towards the road. “I liked your long hair but this looks good too.”

“You could have told me you didn’t like it,” Tadashi complains, rubbing at his neck as he steps forward to catch up. 

“Shut up, Yamaguchi. I like it,” Kei assures. “I like…” He seems to catch himself before clearing his throat and adjusting his posture. “I like your haircut.”

Tadashi laughs a little, trying to dissipate his own nervous energy. What was he about to say? 

“Thanks Tsukki.”

---

For the first time in a while, Tadashi hears Kei’s real laugh. 

Not the snarky, chiding laugh he’ll offer when Kageyama or Hinata do something idiotic or the snort he’ll give Tadashi when he says something he knows Kei will find amusing but the real, genuine laugh that used to fill up their childhoods. It’s a sweet sound, one that Tadashi wants to relish in and kiss away. 

Thing is, it’s directed at Tadashi’s bedsheets of all things. 

They’re space-themed, complete with constellations and moons and comets and rocket ships. They also happen to be the sheets Tadashi should have thrown out years ago after he got his ‘adult’ bedspread a few years back (really it was just solid navy sheets but it still made Tadashi feel grown up when he bought them). Issue was those sheets were currently being washed after Tadashi had a rather… explicit dream concerning the person that also happened to be laughing at his childhood sheets. 

Yeah, seeing someone you had a wet dream about sitting on your bed isn’t exactly what Tadashi had in mind but here they are and Tadashi is dying internally. 

“Didn’t think you still used these,” Kei laughs. The beauty nearly distracts Tadashi from his own embarrassment. 

Kei leans back and pulls Tadashi’s dino plush to his chest. It’s been sitting on his bed ever since they went to that amusement park, a testament to one of the happier days over the last year. 

“What’d you end up naming it?” Kei questions, holding the plush over his head. 

“Why do you think I named it?” Tadashi asks back, careful to sit at least a foot away from Kei in case something went awfully wrong. 

Kei snorts. “You always name them. Let me guess—it’s some dumb American name like George or Brenda or something?”

“Rude! Is not!”

“Then what is it?”

“…Jeff.”

Kei laughs again and Tadashi’s heart melts. It seriously should be illegal to look this cute. 

“Whatever,” Tadashi sighs. “At least I don’t have old dino figures in my room named after Pokémon.” It’s a low blow, but he knows it’ll hit. 

“Maybe not but you do still have sheets with aliens on them so who’s really the kid here?” Kei fires back. 

“Ouch,” Tadashi says, acting out a dramatic clutching of his heart. “Well I guess since we’re so grown up then we don’t need to project the constellations on my ceiling.”

Kei raises an eyebrow at that and sits up a little. “You still have that thing?”

“Of course but since we’re mature adults who don’t use toys made for kids I would hate to use it.”

“Yeah, yeah, set it up,” Kei instructs. Tadashi laughs back in response. 

He goes over to his bookshelf and finds the dusty device on the bottom row. Pushing aside old notecards and sticky notes, he removes the projector and sets it up in the middle of the room. Within a few moments, an expansive galaxy shines on Tadashi’s ceiling. The blue and purple lights mix with the glow-in-the-dark stars to create a universe only for them. 

When they were much younger, they would hang up a white bedsheet on Tadashi’s walls and use his grandmother’s old 70 millimeter projector, equipped with some old space footage, to see the stars. The quality was atrocious, and they would have to reset the film every few minutes, but the feeling was always something between wistful and unworldly. 

One fateful afternoon, they played the footage enough for it to overheat and nearly burn the entire projector. It was a tragic moment for them all, but Sayo saved up for weeks to give Tadashi a real projector for his birthday one year. He and Kei have been using it ever since. 

And while it may not be as bright as something new and exciting and the quality certainly wasn’t something to brag about, it was still Tadashi’s and Kei’s. Their crappy space projector was beautiful and they wouldn’t be taking any criticism over it. 

Kei readjusts his position, now laying properly while giving a little space on his side for Tadashi to squeeze in. Two above-average teenage boys really shouldn’t be sharing a bed this small, but Tadashi doesn’t mind so long as his rampant heartbeat doesn’t expose his true feelings. 

The swirling space above them reminds Tadashi of their night at the beach. While they might have gotten chewed out the next morning by a grumpy Ukai and a horrifying Takeda, it was totally worth it. The feeling of pure joy that came from that moment was indescribable. It swelled and asserted itself into Tadashi’s chest, allowing him to get through the harsh day of practice. 

Tadashi looks over at Kei. He’s truly magnificent. From the sharp hook of his nose to the strong lines formed by his jawline and chin. Not to mention his high cheekbones and long, blond eyelashes. In fact, most of Kei is colored in this sort of pale yellow. From his eyelashes to his brows even the tiny hairs on Kei’s chin he always seems to miss when shaving. His eyes, however, are a stark gold that makes Tadashi vaguely think of something celestial and treasureful. 

Kei must notice his staring. His eyes flick to Tadashi’s before returning to the ceiling. Tadashi turns his head back. 

“Have you decided on a university yet?” Kei asks innocently. 

Tadashi feels his heart involuntarily quake at the mere thought. Of course he’d been looking for colleges, but none of them seemed like the right fit. He didn’t even know what he wanted to do, let alone where. 

The future still seems like such a foreign concept.

“Not really,” Tadashi admits, sighing. “What about you?”

Kei stays silent for a moment, breaths even and slow.

“I don’t know yet.”

Neither of them talks much more after that. They fall into the same breathing patterns and take in the galaxy laid before them. Tadashi must have nodded off at some point because he wakes up long after the sun has set, paving the way for a real vision of space outside his window.

He’s clung onto Kei, a distinctive wet spot on his shoulder where Tadashi’s mouth was just a moment ago. Maybe he does drool after all.  

Kei doesn’t wake. He doesn’t even stir as Tadashi carefully removes his glasses and sets them on the bedside table. But as Tadashi settles against Kei once more, innocently rewrapping his arms around him, he can feel Kei relax under his weight. 

Tadashi doesn’t need some intangible concept of the future. Who cares about what's to come? Right here, under the glistening lights of a star projector, Tadashi is perfectly happy at Kei’s side. 

Fate and whatever it had in store for them would have to wait a little longer. 

---

Despite the copious amounts of warnings from Ukai, Takeda, and even Hinata at some points, Tadashi has developed a small addiction to caffeine. He could certainly quit whenever he’d like, but there’s something soothing about holding a cup of coffee in your hands and basking in the warmth of a little café. 

One of Tadashi’s favorite spots is a place that Kei actually discovered. Apparently, they had the best strawberry shortcake in the city or something. Tadashi tagged along only to find that their coffee was leagues ahead of their cakes. Not to mention the plants, overstocked bookshelves, and comfy chairs provided an atmosphere too good to give up. 

Kei claimed the cake was ‘good enough’, leading them to stop by the joint whenever they were given a rare day off from practice. Though it’s a little out of the way, even the quaint walk through the old neighborhoods proved to be something that Tadashi genuinely enjoys. 

With the overhanging trees and multitude of parks, it’s like a different world. Tadashi especially loves how the sun filters through the leaves and casts shadows onto the old concrete sidewalk. The rustling of the—

“Yamaguchi.”

Tadashi gets pulled by the hand just as he’s about to veer off into the street. Some old guy speeds past, shaking a rather rude fist at Tadashi. 

“Thank you, Tsukki,” he breathes, hyper aware that their hands are still linked together. 

“Be more careful,” Kei instructs. He doesn’t make any move to separate their hands though. It’s like he barely notices that they’re connected in the first place. Maybe that’s because it feels so natural; nostalgic, almost, like they’re two kids trying to find their way in the big city. 

Tadashi retracts his hand before Kei has the chance to. Even this small amount of intimacy is overwhelming. The last thing he wants is for Kei to rip his hand away or make some misleading comment, so Tadashi takes it upon himself to change the subject altogether. 

“It’s getting cold, isn’t it?” Tadashi says before stepping off once more. 

Kei gives him a nod of acknowledgement, not bothering to add anything else. It’s fine. It’s Kei. 

They reach the coffee shop, place their orders, and find a booth at the back of the seating area, far away from everyone else. Kei gets the strawberry shortcake, of course. Tadashi orders a coffee and a scone. 

He sips on the drink, letting the bitter yet sweet taste envelop his mouth. He grins a little at the warmth, only smiling larger when he notices Kei across from him. There’s the smallest bit of frosting on his chin and a wide, youthful wonder in his eyes. In a way, it reminds Tadashi of the way Kei was when they first met. 

Fuck, Tadashi is so in love. 

He wants, no needs, Kei to know. Because fuck graduation and fuck waiting for the right moment. Who knows what’s going to happen tomorrow? Tadashi could die without ever telling Kei how he feels. Tadashi needs to say it here, right now in this little café because life is short and he loves Kei. 

“Tsukki, I love…”

The words catch in his mouth and then Kei gives him this look that says, Continue, I’m listening, like he always does because this is how they operate and Tadashi doesn’t want to change that. 

He doesn’t want to lose that. 

Because Tadashi doesn’t know how he can go on in a world where Kei is not by his side. That thought alone makes his stomach twist into horrible knots and forces him to carefully reconsider the next words to leave his mouth.

His gaze flits down to the table. It’s lame, admittedly, but Tadashi doesn’t really have much of a choice anymore. There’s only so much that can reasonably get him out of this situation so he picks up his scone and holds it out for Kei to view. 

“These scones!” Tadashi exclaims, putting all the emotion he can into his voice. “They’re great, aren’t they?”

Kei’s eyes move down to the scone and back to Tadashi’s. “I guess.”

“Yeah, I mean they have a great variety here,” Tadashi continues to blabber, “but… ah… this peach one is just, like super super good.”

“You always did have an affinity for peach flavored things,” Kei notes. His lips press into a frown. “And apple juice. Even though orange juice is far superior and—”

“Strawberry milk is the best but you’d never admit that to Kageyama,” Tadashi finishes. He lets out a small chuckle. “It’s almost like we’ve been friends for a near decade, and we’ve had this conversation multiple times.”

Kei scoffs, too sarcastic for his own good. “Us? Friends?”

“Shocking, I know right?” Tadashi mocks back. “Who would ever want to be friends with you?”

“Likewise.”

They fall into comfortable snickers after that, even though part of Tadashi wonders to what extent Kei is telling the truth. After all, who would really put up with him for years? 

Tadashi is a nervous, untalented, drooling nobody. Why would someone ever want to put up with him for nearly a decade?

Kei’s smiling softly. Why? What possible reason could he have to smile at Tadashi like that?

“Thanks,” Tadashi finds himself saying. 

Kei raises a brow. “For what?”

“For sticking around.”

Kei pauses at that. “Likewise,” is what he says but Tadashi, after knowing Kei since they were young, is able to see expressions that no other can see. The slightly rosy cheeks and softened gaze of genuine gratitude. 

Tadashi reaffirms his promise. Graduation. It’ll be here soon. 

---

Tadashi wishes he was asleep. The vice principal has been talking for what seems like hours now, droning on about procedures and awards and things Tadashi definitely didn’t need to miss part of practice for. He was so close to perfecting a new serve that had the same spin as a jump floater with just enough power to throw off the opposing team. But he can’t exactly do that if the stupid VP keeps drawling, periodically adjusting his toupee. 

Kageyama is asleep, the lucky bastard. He passed out the moment the meeting started, awkwardly curling his body into one chair (seriously, the guy is close to being 190 cm it should be impossible to fold up like this). Tadashi attempts to nudge him awake but Kageyama only groans as a response. 

Yeah, that’s the other thing Tadashi doesn’t particularly like about being captain: the actual responsibility of it. When he had to make a speech about the team at the beginning of the year, he nearly passed out in front of the entire school. He, somehow, managed to only mess up a few words but the experience seriously made Tadashi’s life flash before his eyes. 

“And, lastly, we have some good news from the volleyball team,” the vice principal announces, his tone so dry Tadashi almost doesn’t recognize the fact he’s getting called. 

He stands, yanking Kageyama up beside him. He groans at the sudden movement and yawns, not even trying to hide it. They both lazily blink into focus as the announcement continues. 

“The Vice-Captain, Kageyama Tobio-kun, has been chosen to represent Japan on the National U19 Team,” the VP says. Kageyama finally seems to wake up at that, stiffening at the news. “Please join us in congratulating him.”

The other captains and club presidents turn towards Tadashi and Kageyama, clapping as impressed looks are sent their way. 

They bow in response, but Tadashi keeps his eyes on Kageyama. He beams with a sort of indescribable pride and, even as he rises, keeps the stoic grin on his face. 

The meeting wraps soon after and all the student leaders trickle out of the auditorium. They’re not subtle with their glances at Kageyama. Tadashi, at his side, can physically feel what seems like thousands of eyes staring at him in association. 

Even so, they manage to escape any conversations about the subject. It’s like Kageyama has suddenly become this untouchable figure too high and mighty for the general school population. It’s untrue, of course. He’s still just Kageyama at the end of the day. He drinks his milk one sip at a time like every other guy. 

“So U-19 huh?” Tadashi whistles as they begin to walk towards the clubroom.

Kageyama nods, badly masking his excitement. “The training starts in a few weeks. We’ll be travelling to South Korea and practice against their team along with Russia and China.”

“Wow,” Tadashi exhales. He knew that the competition is worldwide but training with players from other nations is inconceivable. He lands a solid pat on Kageyama's back. “Seriously man, that’s incredible. Better keep up the good work though when you come back for Nationals, alright?”

“Of course, Captain.”

Captain. Tadashi wants to laugh. 

“Have you decided yet where you want to go after graduation? Like what team you’re going to join?”

Kageyama presses his lips together. “Adlers have a tempting offer but the Green Rockets are also promising.”

Tadashi nods. “I didn’t expect you to stay in Miyagi but still. I mean, it’s better than Nishinoya-san who’s off in, what, Canada right now? Everyone’s going so far away.”

Tadashi shuts himself up before he can eek out another word. He nearly just mentioned Hinata going to Brazil; who knows if him and Kageyama ever talked about that whole situation. Their dynamic is too much for Tadashi to handle on any given day. 

“Yeah,” Kageyama agrees. They begin to ascend the staircase. “I think I’m going with the Adlers though. The thought of being on another team with Tsukishima is off-putting even though we technically work well together.”

Tadashi stops. 

Kageyama doesn’t seem to notice. He reaches the top of the stairwell before he finally turns and sees Tadashi at the first landing. “What?” He asks. 

Tadashi’s perfect little future is crumbling away. Piece by piece, the perfect canvas he’s painted is being torn apart and scattered by the wind. It’s still salvageable. Surely, this must be a mistake. 

“What did you say about Tsukki?” His voice comes out harsher than he intended it to. 

“He got an offer from the Green Rockets,” Kageyama says, like Tadashi should know this already. “I think he’s going to take it considering it’s the only D1 off he got. I mean he could go with the Frogs or the Elephants though.” His brow drops. “Did he not tell you?”

A knife. 

That’s what it feels like.

Or maybe it’s a gunshot. Or a fire. Or a car crash. 

Whatever it is, it’s a slow, unfathomable agony that starts in the pit of Tadashi’s stomach and works its way through his veins until his fingertips are buzzing with nervous energy and his feet become planted to the floor. 

The canvas lies in shredded pieces. The beautiful stars and galaxies are gone. Now all that remains is a lone figure. 

Kageyama seems to recognize his mistake. He gulps, taking a step down towards Tadashi. “I figured… I didn’t know—”

“It’s fine,” Tadashi assures. 

His legs find the strength to move again. He takes a few more steps up and pats Kageyama on the arm. 

“Really, it’ll be okay.”

It won’t. 

---

Practice was horrible. And that’s putting it lightly. 

Tadashi never thought his personal life would bleed into volleyball but here he was, serving out of bounds and unable to pick up any balls. It's a tragedy. Ukai put him out at one point, asking if something was wrong at home. Takeda offers him water and suggests he leaves early. Tadashi sticks around to the end, pushing through even the worst of practice drills. 

Kageyama apologizes on a water break. Multiple times. Hinata and Yachi keep their distance but send worried glances towards Tadashi. They’re trying to respect his boundaries but honestly their stares are too much. 

And then there’s Kei. He sits by, doesn’t ask what’s wrong or question why Tadashi is so pathetic today. He just keeps near. 

They don’t stick around for very long after practice. While Tadashi and Kei usually stick around to help the first years (most of whom are now significantly less scared), Tadashi can’t find the motivation to stay despite Nationals looming in the near future. They let Hinata and Kageyama take over for the night and leave the moment Ukai dismisses them. 

Kei remains silent as they dress and even as they pass the school gates. They trudge through the first snowfall of the season, silent and cold. 

It isn’t until they pass a playground that Tadashi speaks. After all, this is the spot they met all those years ago. And although they take this same route home every day, Tadashi never gives much thought to the location. 

Now though, that first word Kei said to him as those bullies neared in rings in Tadashi’s mind. 

“Pathetic.”

Tadashi abruptly turns on his heel and faces Kei. He doesn’t have his headphones on. His nose and the tops of his ears are red from the cold. His full attention is on Tadashi. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Tadashi says, tone already tainted with anger. 

“What?” Kei’s eyes are firm and unwavering. 

“You got offers from V. League teams. Tsukki, that’s amazing, but why didn’t you tell me? I had to find out about it from Kageyama of all people and—”

Kei turns his head away. “That asshole always has to ruin everything.”

Tadashi takes a step forward. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He wants to reach out and grab Kei’s face and force him to look at Tadashi but instead he keeps them in tight fists at his side. 

“Don’t blame Kageyama for something that you did,” Tadashi argues back. “You should have told me.”

“Why?” Kei spits. “Do I have some obligation to share everything about my life?”

Tadashi’s lip begins to tremble. “Tsukki, you’re my best friend. I tell you everything, shouldn’t you do the same in return?”

“Oh sure,” Kei scoffs. “I’m not an idiot, Yamaguchi. I know you’ve been hiding something from me for months.”

Shit. 

Shit, shit, shit. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tadashi tries to tell him. His voice is weak. 

“Bullshit,” Kei responds without flinching. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does . Tsukki, why didn’t you tell me?”

Kei’s eyes are golden and furious. “Because I’m not fucking doing it! Okay? I don’t want to play stupid volleyball for the rest of my life. I never even liked it in the first place.”

“Tsukki, what are you talking about?” Tadashi takes another step forward. Kei flinches back. “You’re the one who got me into the sport because you liked it so much.”

“When I was an idiotic child!” Kei screams back. Their voices are rising above the neighborhood.

“Oh so you think you were some stupid little kid when you became friends with me then?”

“Yeah. I was.”

Tadashi shakes his head. His canvas, his nonexistent canvas… his nonexistent future… 

“Tell me,” Tadashi says, voice cracking. “Why weren’t you honest with me?”

“You would have told me to go for it,” Kei says. “And then you would make me feel guilty for leaving you behind.”

“I would… No I wouldn’t…”

“Of course you would. You’ve been fucking following me around for the last decade. Seriously, Yamaguchi. You’ll go to some great college but you’ll still make me feel like shit if I go away. Why the fuck do you still follow me like some helpless kid?”

Tadashi doesn’t have a response. Instead, he has a knife wound, a bullet hole, a pair of lungs filled with smoke, and a skeleton broken from a car crash. 

Kei turns quickly. He puts on his headphones and then Tadashi is chasing after him because he doesn’t know what else to do but he’s proving Kei right and—

“TSUKKI!” 

Tadashi manages to grab Kei’s arm but he recoils away. A truck zooms down the street, clanking and loud and honking at them for getting in the way. They glide on the gathering ice, certain to wreak havoc somewhere else. 

“What the hell do you want from me?” Kei shouts. 

“I want you to stop being such a fucking asshole!” Tadashi shouts right back. 

“I’m an asshole for keeping one small detail away from you?”

“You’re an asshole for thinking about me when you consider your future.

“It’s not my fault you clung onto me like some baby. ”

Tadashi clutches at his chest only to feel his heart pounding against his rib cage. There’s blood rushing in his years and adrenaline pumping him forward. “I take it back. No fucking wonder you don’t have any other friends! I stuck around you because nobody else would. You think that you’d be fine off in some new city on your own? No! Because you push everyone else in the world away. And for what? So you feel better about yourself? You’re pathetic. Grow up, Tsukishima.”

Kei clenches his jaw. He’s not a violent person but even Tadashi sees the way he’s raising his fist, ready to strike when the moment is right. 

But he doesn’t. 

He turns and heads off and Tadashi turns his own way. 

And as he leaves, he blinks away hot tears. He blames it on the snowflakes gathering on his eyelashes. He’s not crying over Kei. He’s not. 

The future. The dark, dim, unimaginable future…

---

December is quiet. 

That night, after their fight, he texts Kei an apology. He doesn’t know why. He wasn’t the one that did something wrong in the first place. What he said wasn’t right, but it was all he could do to not break at that moment. 

It doesn’t matter. He’s already broken. 

Kageyama leaves for his U-19 training. Tadashi, Hinata, and Yachi see him off to the airport. His future is secure, at least until the tournament next summer. Even then, Kageyama has a set plan for everything. 

Hinata attends the Shiratorizawa camp once again as a ball boy. Unlike his first year, he’s been invited twice now and gladly accepts the position. He tells Tadashi it’s the best training he can get. 

“I have to catch up,” Hinata says, a gleam in his eye while he pumps his fist. 

Tadashi nods but fails to relate. Hinata is already leagues ahead, his mind clocked out to Brazil. Even Hinata knows what he’s doing for his future. 

Kei disappears as well. Date Tech has started their own camp and brings in the best middle blockers from the prefecture to teach them the Iron Wall’s ways. Kei is invited as a teacher; an honorary member of the wall considering it was his blocks against Dateko that allowed Karasuno to qualify for Nationals in the first place. 

Practice becomes quiet without them. It’s a good opportunity for the underclassmen to practice for next year, but it doesn’t stop Tadashi from being utterly lonely. At least the first-years are less scared of him now. They ask for help during and after practice and Tadashi tries his best to accommodate despite his lack of superhuman skills. 

He walks home with Yachi. Her junior managers wiggle their eyebrows suggestively at the sight, but Tadashi carefully explains they’re not dating. Word travels quickly though and soon enough the whole team is convinced that their captain and manager are the cutest couple in the world. Tadashi wants to gag.

After all, Yachi becomes a great person to talk to. He spills everything about their fight, and she’s there to give him a warm hug and soothe him with calm, careful words. 

“I hate it!” Tadashi screams, swinging back and forth on the playground swing set. Yachi swings alongside him, nice enough to give a few minutes of her time this late at night. 

“I’m sorry,” she says.

Tadashi lets out a shaky breath. “I don’t understand him. Why am I in love with him?”

“We can’t choose who we fall in love with,” Yachi assures. She tilts her head back to look up at the stars. Tadashi follows her gaze. The moon isn’t out. 

“It’s so painful though,” Tadashi sighs. 

Yachi nods. “It’s just a few growing pains. You’re both facing uncertainty. You’ve been together for the last… however many years and you’re scared of what’s to come. It’s okay to be scared. I’m scared all the time. Like, when a bee gets near me, I freak out and scream and run away because I don’t want to get stung. Then again, I’ve never gotten stung, so I don’t know what it’s like. It could hurt for a little while or it could kill me if I’m allergic. Who knows? I actually think bees are pretty cute and I like their color palette, but they’re also pointy and potentially lethal. So I’m not scared of the bee, I’m scared of the unknown.

“Thing is, you and Tsukishima-kun have no control in the manner. If a bee gets near me, I can run away and try my best to not get stung. And I can go my entire life without ever having gotten stung if I’m lucky and so far I’ve just so happened to be lucky. But you guys aren’t lucky. You’re going to get stung and now you need to figure out what to do in response. Maybe you’re allergic. Maybe you’re totally fine. No matter what, it’s going to suck when you two inevitably have to split up. Or maybe you won’t. If that’s what you both want, then I know you can stay together. But the process is going to be painful regardless. It already is. 

“At the end of the day, things happen for a reason. I think it’s good you two are fighting. People aren’t 100% okay 100% of the time. Relationships aren’t always okay either. But now you get to see what life without Tsukishima-kun is like. If you really hate it that much, then I know you’ll find a way to reconnect. I’m not sure if he’ll be the one to reach out first though…”

Yachi stops herself, blinking into realization. “Oh wow that was a lot,” she exhales and gives Tadashi a sheepish grin. “You can stop me when I ramble on like that.” 

Tadashi shakes his head. “Don’t worry Yachi-san, I think you’re right. But… it still hurts. I mean I apologized already even though I probably shouldn’t have. At least, I shouldn’t have said it first. I don’t know anything at this point. But if Tsukki wants to talk again, I think he should be the one to take the next step. 

“That’s fair,” Yachi relinquishes. She pushes herself back and forth, swinging her legs a little bit. “You really love him?”

“Yeah…” Tadashi replies, admittedly hesitant. 

“Then it’ll work out. I think Tsukishima-kun cares about you more than you think.”

Tadashi smiles at that but the anger and resentment towards Kei is still looming nearby. It rests at the front of Tadashi’s mind, affecting everything he does. He absolutely despises it. And, by association, he despises Kei.

“Thank you for the advice, Yachi-san,” Tadashi says, dipping his head a little. 

“I wouldn’t really call it advice,” she tries to tell him, “but I’m glad it helped.”

A bee sting. It’s a short, numbing pain that isn’t nearly as bad as anything else that Tadashi’s experienced. He can handle this. He can make it through this. 

He thanks Yachi once more and walks her to the train station. She waves off her involvement and reassures Tadashi that everything will work out in time. 

Though it appears time is the one thing that Kei is short on. 

When he comes back from his training camp, he still refuses to acknowledge the fact that Tadashi even exists. They don’t talk in class or after, they roam in different circles during practice and complete their combination without a single word passing between them. Out of every single play there is in volleyball, the serve and block is perhaps the least intimate. They don’t need to call out to each other and connect in order to score a point. It’s absolutely brutal. 

At the end of each night, they walk their separate ways. Their daily route was a roundabout way of spending a little more time together. Without the other, they can both head straight home and not waste their time. 

And during the day, Kei leaves the moment they’re dismissed for lunch. Tadashi doesn’t bother to follow or think about it too much lest he become overly involved. Besides, he begins to eat with Yachi and some of the other girls in their class (they too begin to rumor about a budding couple though…). Tadashi convinces himself it’s fine if Kei wants to eat with someone else. 

But then, on the way back from the vending machine one day, Tadashi passes by Hinata’s and Kageyama’s classroom only to see Kei sitting between the two. And while his back is turned towards the door and Tadashi can’t make out his face, he can hear the remnants of their conversation. 

Kei laughs. 

Kei, who saves his true self for only Tadashi to see, is exposing himself in front of Kageyama and Hinata of all people.

Tadashi drops his apple juice. 

The bottle bounces a few times, loud enough to draw the attention of the boys in the classroom. Tadashi ducks out of the way before he can see Kei’s expression. Because he knows that if it's some true emotion, he will actually splinter into two. 

With heaving breaths and a running pace only used during the most serious of games, Tadashi escapes the hallway. He runs, disregarding the questioning looks of his schoolmates, until he reaches the clubroom and locks himself inside.

Even this seems to be tainted with Kei’s presence. 

After all, he’s the whole damn reason that Tadashi began volleyball in the first place. Without Kei, Tadashi would have never gained the courage to actually join the sport. Without Kei, Tadashi would have been bullied for years on end. Without Kei, Tadashi would have grown up alone. Without Kei, Tadashi would not have a family he could rely on. Without Kei, Tadashi would have never been able to grow. 

Without Kei, would there even be a Tadashi?

Tadashi chokes out a sob. He really is pathetic. He’s so reliant on a man who can’t express emotions and despises everything. He’s in love with a man who genuinely believes that Tadashi is a burden to know. 

The clubroom door slides open. Tadashi attempts to wipe away the evidence of his breakdown but the first year standing at the door gives a hasty apology and slams the door closed anyways.

A few minutes later, the door slides open again. Some foolish part of Tadashi hopes it’s Kei but instead Kageyama walks in, jittering with nervous energy. Out of everyone in the club, the first year seriously had to tattle on Tadashi to Kageyama? 

“Hashimoto said you were crying,” Kageyama states, taking a seat across from Tadashi. He laughs pathetically, wiping away his last few tears. 

“You don’t have to try and cheer me up, Kageyama,” Tadashi says back. 

Kageyama nods. “Good. I’m not good at doing that.”

Obviously, Tadashi bitterly thinks to himself. 

“But… um…” Kageyama clears his throat. “You should probably talk about it with… someone. I don’t think you want to talk to me about it… but it is important to understand the states of your teammates. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you need some time on the bench, that’s okay too.”

“Are you comparing my panic attack to volleyball right now?” Tadashi asks in disbelief. 

“I compare everything to volleyball,” Kageyama says defensively. And then, with a lowered brow, he asks, “Is this what a panic attack looks like?”

Tadashi nods. “It can be. Sometimes I get really quiet and I don’t want to be touched. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I don’t even notice but my heart rate is really fast and I lose feeling in my fingers.” 

“Oh…”

Kageyama sucks in a breath. “I don’t know what’s going on… or why you’re panicking… but everyone supports you and believes in you, Captain. So um… try your best.” 

It’s a lame speech. Tadashi knows this but something about it makes him feel better nonetheless.

“Thanks, Vice-Captain,” Tadashi says in response. 

Kageyama makes surprisingly good company. Sugawara’s lessons about understanding your teammates have evidently paid off. Kageyama nicely asks if Tadashi would like to hear about the U-19 camp and what it’s like in South Korea. Tadashi says yes and listens as Kageyama talks more about the skills of his new teammates and the international teams than the camp itself. Tadashi’s tears dry up little by little. 

And, for a while, Tadashi forgets Kei even exists in the first place. It’s… pleasant. 

---

“I’m home,” Tadashi calls as he steps into his apartment. He’s nearly shocked when he gets a response back until he realizes the lights are on and his mom is home. She runs over as soon as she sees Tadashi step through the door. 

“I thought you wouldn’t be back until next week,” Tadashi says as his mom engulfs him into an all-encompassing hug. 

“I made some calls and flipped my schedule around, so I could be home on Christmas Eve for once!” She excitedly explains, leading him to the kitchen where she’s already begun to cook. 

Tadashi takes a seat at the counter and begins to wonder when was the last time he spent Christmas with his mother. Must have been… five years ago? Six? Back at their old apartment so maybe actually eight years ago. When Tadashi turned 9, his mother decided he was old enough to start being left home alone instead of in the care of a neighbor. They switched apartments, finding one a little closer to her workplace, and Tadashi started up at a new school in the middle of the semester. Everything worked out for the best though, considering it all led him to meet Kei. 

Or maybe it’s all for the worse, Tadashi bitterly thinks to himself. 

He looks up at his mother. Yamaguchi Sayo is a kind woman trying her best to raise her son all by herself. Tadashi knows this. He’s known this ever since he realized his mom was much younger than the mothers of his fellow classmates (Kei’s mother was a whole fifteen years older). Sayo was also one of the few working mothers Tadashi knew of. She’s tried her hardest to create a good life for him; how could Tadashi not be grateful?

Tadashi’s father, on the other hand, was admittedly not trying his best. They’d never met despite how many times over the last year he’d invited Tadashi to visit him in Tokyo. Before that, he was a distant figure completely uninvolved in Tadashi’s life. Not much had changed, but apparently having a son good enough to play a national stage somehow made his father now deem Tadashi as being worthy enough to meet. The old man wasn’t worthy of Tadashi’s time as far as he was concerned. 

Sayo happily hums some tune from an old pop song. Even from a few feet away, Tadashi can see the bags collecting under her eyes and the tiredness in her movements. 

“So where were you last night?” Sayo begins, tone innocent but still demanding. “And don’t say you were with Kei because I’ll know you’re lying.”

Tadashi’s hands involuntarily form into shaking fists on the countertop. “I stayed with a different friend.”

His mother turns back from the stove, raising an eyebrow. “Which one? The little orange kid or that vice-captain?”

“Hinata,” Tadashi lies. 

Sayo makes a noncommittal sound before pointing her wooden spoon at Tadashi. “I didn’t raise a liar, Tadashi. I saw those two jogging this morning so who was it actually ? If it’s that female manager, just tell me. I won’t get mad."

“Yeah, it was Yachi-san,” Tadashi admits. 

Ever since Tadashi came out to her a few months back, they had been getting closer and closer. The more they hung out, the more Tadashi realized how much they had in common. They had similar home situations and shared a common, never-ending anxiety over the smallest of things. She’s no replacement for Kei, of course, but with the silent treatment still in effect, her presence is dearly welcomed. 

Tadashi had stayed at her apartment last night since her mom’s out on a business trip. Yachi also isn’t out to her mother, so their infrequent sleepovers were supposed to be a secret. All they did was watch stupid rom-coms and dramas that Tadashi didn’t care much about. Yachi would go on and on about the female leads and how pretty she thought they were. Tadashi would sheepishly add input whenever he found one of the male leads attractive (so what if he liked stoic blonds? Didn’t kill anybody). 

Still, he’s not sure how to carefully explain that all to his mother. 

Sayo sighs, resuming her cooking. “I’m not going to stop you from staying at someone else’s place, especially when I’m not home, but I don’t want you making any dumb mistakes Tadashi. You’re too young and smart to follow in my footsteps.” She looks over her shoulder. “I still love you though. That’s why I want something better for you.”

Tadashi solemnly nods. Sayo was only 19 when she had him. Of course she would want something better. 

“Just remember condoms are only 99% effective and even birth control can still fail,” Sayo hums.

Tadashi stands up, red flooding to his cheeks. “Oh my god! Mom, no. I’m not dating Yachi!”

“Even if you’re not dating, that doesn’t mean you’re not having—”

“Ew, no!” Tadashi gags. “Absolutely not. Yachi and I aren’t…” He puts his head into his hands, too embarrassed to even consider the thought. 

Sayo snorts. “Alright, alright, I’ll stop. Anyways, go shower and get dressed.”

Tadashi raises his head. “Huh? Aren’t we staying here since you’re home?”

“Nope, we’re going to the Tsukishima’s.”

Tadashi pauses, an unintentional fear rising to his chest. He can only manage to get out a, “Huh?” in response. 

“Yeah, I saw Fumiyo and Kei this morning at the store, and we started talking and Kei offered that we should come over!” Sayo explains with a sort of visible enthusiasm. “And besides, you usually spend all of Christmas with them so why should this year be any different?”

Because Kei doesn’t want to talk to me, let alone invite me over for an awkward dinner, Tadashi wants to say but ultimately keeps to himself. He sees his mother so rarely that he tries to keep the best face he can for her. What’s the point of fighting in the little time you have together?

“Okay,” is what Tadashi actually responds. Sayo smiles at him and goes back to humming her pop song. 

The fear residing in Tadashi’s chest sits there, pressing down on his ribs and lungs, even as they arrive at the Tsukishima house a few hours later. Fumiyo welcomes them in with open arms, doting on Tadashi to make up for his absence over the last few weeks. 

“Don’t tell Kei,” she whispers into Tadashi’s ear as she pulls him in for a bear hug, “but I like you a lot more than those rowdy teammates of yours. Those two boys are so odd.”

Tadashi giggles a little at the insult, trying to mask the million questions that are going through his mind. Did Kei seriously invite Hinata and Kageyama over without Tadashi? What the hell?

Akiteru also pulls Tadashi into a big hug. He introduces Tadashi to his girlfriend, a pretty but short girl named Mari, and beams as the two begin to get along. “Tadashi’s basically my other baby brother,” Akiteru explains, “so we have to get his approval as well.”

Kei’s father is home for once. Tsukishima Tatsuki has some important job that Tadashi has never been able to understand. All he knows is that Tatsuki travels an abundant amount and is good friends with his mother (apparently they see each other a lot on flights? Tadashi’s unsure. They do, however, have some drinking competition that’s been going on for years. Sayo’s in the lead). Regardless, Tatsuki gives Tadashi a firm handshake and asks him how’s school and volleyball. Tadashi politely says everything is fine and Tatsuki nods at the appropriate answer. 

And then there’s Kei. He doesn’t even regard Tadashi until Fumiyo suggests they head up to Kei’s room while the adults finish preparing dinner. So they do, but Kei stays silent as they take the familiar path upstairs. It’s not until they’re in the quiet of Kei’s room, sitting on his bed, and behind locked doors that Kei begins to speak to Tadashi for the first time in over a month. 

“I’m sorry,” are the words that first escape Kei’s mouth. 

Tadashi gawks, but manages to clench his jaw to prevent it from slackening open. He nods to say, go on. 

“I… I don’t think…” Kei clears his throat and lets out a breath. “I don’t think you follow me around. I actually think it may be the other way around…”

Tadashi raises a brow but lets Kei go on. Is this… is this really how he feels? 

Kei’s making that expression of guilt, of knowing that he’s in the wrong. It’s such a rare sight that Tadashi almost doesn’t recognize it at first. But the wandering eyes and scrunched nose and tweaking hands give away all of Kei’s secrets. 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Tadashi asks softly. “You know I would have supported you whatever your decision was.”

Kei gnaws on his lip. “I was scared… I still am. I have no idea what I’m doing and it’s terrifying.” He lifts his head, eyes connecting with Tadashi. “I used to have a plan for the future but then I received that offer after Inter-High and I had no idea how to react. Because I know, I know, it’s a good opportunity but I don’t love volleyball enough to make it my whole life.”

Tadashi nods. Out there, there were probably thousands of third-year boys who loved volleyball with their whole heart. Who would kill to be in the position that Kei is. 

“You don’t have to accept the offer,” Tadashi suggests. “Seriously, Tsukki. You should be doing whatever makes you happy.”

“And you?” Kei asks without hesitation. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m applying to Sendai University,” Tadashi says. “My grades are good enough, and they have an intramural team that could use another middle blocker. I’m going into business until I can figure out what exactly I want to do.”

Kei nods. He’s calming down, becoming more like himself. “The King said we’re codependent on each other. The Tangerine agrees.”

Tadashi wants to laugh. Him and Yachi have had that same conversation a dozen times. 

“I think it’s true, to an extent,” Kei continues, “Although I’m not too keen on the phrasing. They said that we need each other too much and suggested some time apart would be for the best considering how long we’ve known each other… I don’t know why I listened to those idiots though because they know absolutely nothing. I’ve been more paranoid this last month than I have been my entire life. 

“You’re all wrong, by the way. I don’t need you. At least, not anymore. I needed you when I was a kid, especially after everything that happened with Akiteru; but I’ve grown up and I don’t necessarily need you to stick around anymore.”

Kei pauses and steadies his breathing. 

“The thing is… I want you to. I want you to be in my life.”

It takes every last ounce of Tadashi’s strength to not pull Kei in close and kiss away all of his fears. He can only imagine what Kei tastes like. Probably strawberries and fall. Tadashi wants to know what it’s like to be one with Tsukishima Kei. Tadashi wants him. 

It’s unfair though. This genuine outreach of friendship is tainted with Tadashi’s unquenchable desire for romance. How selfish for him to assume Kei would ever want anything more. Maybe it’s for the best if they stay like this. At least when they’re apart, Tadashi can imagine he won’t hurt Kei on the day of graduation. 

Tadashi decides on his answer. 

“I want to keep being your friend too, Tsukki.”

Kei’s expression morphs into one of… sadness? Is that what this is? Why does he look sad all of a sudden?

“But I uh…” Shit, shit, what the hell is Tadashi trying to say? “But there’s something I should probably tell you first.”

No. Don’t. DON’T.

“I know what you’ve been hiding and I’m fine with it,” Kei says. His expression somehow becomes even more morose.

“H-how did you find out?”

Tadashi’s heartbeat leaps into his throat. Shit. This is it. He won’t make it to graduation. His adolescence ends right here, right now. 

“The first years wouldn’t shut up about it. Not to mention that all the girls in our year constantly gush about how cute you and Yachi are together.”

“Tsukki, I—”

He stops. Him and Yachi? 

“I’m not dating Yachi!” He declares. “Oh my god, no, no. We’re not dating. I swear.”

Kei sort of laughs. “Oh? Then what did you have to tell me?”

“It’s ah…”

Fuck. 

Kei shakes his head. “Whatever. I have something to say first anyways. Yamaguchi, I—”

“Boys!” Fumiyo calls from downstairs. Kei pauses in his sentence, sending a menacing gaze towards his mother despite the fact she can’t see it. “It’s time for dinner!”

Kei rises from the bed, offering a hand. “Come on,” he instructs. 

Tadashi feels like he’s dangling over the side of the cliff. Above, reaching out a hand, is the Kei that Tadashi has always known. But below, wading through the dark waters, is the Kei that Tadashi thinks he could be. The future’s a swirling, relentless riptide. If Tadashi lets go now, he’ll be sucked in and hang up to dry.

He accepts Kei’s hand. 

They join the rest of their families for dinner and enjoy the joint cooking of Sayo and Fumiyo. His smile grows wider by the minute as he revels in the sweet feeling of finally being home. 

---

“I’m kind of surprised you finally convinced Kageyama to come,” Tadashi admits, nodding towards the trio walking in front of them. Kageyama and Kei are yelling about something stupid as poor Yachi, ever the mediator, attempts to calm them down. 

The road to the shrine is bustling with families and couples celebrating the arrival of the new year. Unfortunately, this makes the five of them stick out like sore thumbs. Three taller-than-average boys, a pretty girl, and an actual ball of energy? Yeah, that’ll attract some attention. 

Hinata laughs, wary. “Bakayama only agreed to come because I promised to take him out for some pork curry.”

“Oh?”

Hinata nods. He’s way more excited than someone should be when offering dinner to their teammate. There’s a blush dusting the top of his nose and ears that Tadashi suspects isn’t purely from the cold. 

“I’m glad you guys are here too though!” Hinata says with a big smile. “And I’m glad that you and Tsukishima made up over whatever you guys were fighting about.”

“Me too.”

“I didn’t like having to ‘pick sides’,” Hinata groans. “Even though it wasn’t official or anything, it still felt like that since Tsukishima came to us instead of you and you were always hanging out with Yachi-san. Like yeah, we told Tsukishima it’d be good for you guys to be apart for a while, but he took it way too far! It kinda felt like you guys got a divorce or something.”

Tadashi snorts at the thought. “We’re not even dating, Hinata.”

“I know, I know, but still! You guys have been friends for so long it really felt like you were broken up or something. I was like, ‘Well if they can’t stay together, what does that mean for the rest of us? Especially when I’m off in Brazil and Kageyama’s playing in the V. League and you guys all go to college.’”

Tadashi pauses. Not only because of what Hinata said, but also because they’ve reached the base of the stairs. He expects Hinata to start racing upwards out of some primal desire to beat Kageyama, but he matches Tadashi’s pace as they ascend. Under the cover of the overhanging trees, Tadashi realizes how much he’s affected everyone around him. 

“I’m sorry we made you feel like that,” Tadashi says, voice quiet. He focuses on taking one step at a time. “But I’m glad Tsukki and I got everything out. We haven’t fought in a long time, so I guess we had it coming.”

Hinata nods. “It happens. Families fight.”

“Families?”

“Yeah, the five of us are a family,” Hinata says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I don’t know who’s the mom and dad and all that, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter as long as we’re together. It’s like what Kageyama always says: ‘I want to go farther with this group of people’. And we’ve gone pretty far, if you ask me. And we’ll go even further so long as we stick together, even after we graduate.”

Tadashi nearly bursts into tears on the spot. 

Seriously, how could he have been so stupid? Of course they’re a family. 

“We will,” Tadashi assures, voice cracking a little bit. He doesn’t even mind. “I promise that we’ll stick together."

Hinata laughs. 

“Hey, dumbass,” Kageyama calls from the next landing. He’s stopped, flanked by Kei and Yachi at either side as they wait for Hinata and Tadashi. “We’re going to be late.”

“Bet I can get there faster!” Hinata cheers as they reach the trio. He and Kageyama take off, barreling past the small wandering groups of people and up towards the shrine. 

Kei and Yachi wait for Tadashi to join before eventually beginning to walk again. Tadashi can feel the prickling of tears at the corner of his eyes and before he knows it, he’s starting to cry. 

“Yamaguchi?” Kei asks, leaning down to check in on him. There’s genuine concern laced in his voice. “What happened?”

Tadashi waves his hand as a sort of nonverbal explanation that he really is okay. Kei isn’t convinced. 

“Why are you crying?”

“I’m happy,” Tadashi relinquishes with a sob. He wipes at his face, attempting to recollect himself. 

“Oh.”

They’re silent for a moment as they reach the next landing.

Tadashi can’t hold out any longer. Everything that’s been building over the last month, hell the last year since he realized his feelings, or even the last eight years that Kei and Tadashi have been friends, is released in a moment. 

Without a single thought on his mind other than, I love Kei, driving him, Tadashi reaches out and latches onto Kei. He pulls him in close and Tadashi nestles his head into the crook of Kei’s neck. 

Kei stiffens, initially. The last time they hugged like this was the moment where Tadashi’s life began to descend into Kei-related chaos. It’s for the best though as Tadashi’s happy tears bury themselves into the wool of Kei’s coat. 

Kei wraps his arms around Tadashi and squeezes him even closer. Tadashi smiles into his shoulder, letting out yet another joyful sob. 

They could have stayed there for all eternity, but Tadashi lifts his head to see Yachi a few feet away, tear-streaked face mirroring Tadashi’s. 

“Oh Yachi-san,” Tadashi says, opening up the embrace so that Yachi can join in. 

Tadashi peers up at Kei. There’s a smile tugging on his lips. 

Kageyama and Hinata wander back from their race and wordlessly join in. Hinata manages to crush them under his force while Kageyama adds in a light and final protective layer. Tadashi doesn’t think about the odd stares of the passersby. He just laughs a teary laugh and basks in the warm presence of his family. 

“Okay, I’m done with this,” Kei says after a few moments, wriggling out of the needy grabs of Hinata and Tadashi. They all break apart, full of life and air. 

Together, the five of them make their way to the top of the stairs and enter the shrine. They go through the rituals like its second nature. At the altar, Tadashi prays to the gods for more days like this one. 

“Let’s get fortunes!” Hinata cheers, dragging Kageyama towards the stand. 

Kei and Tadashi snicker at their childishness. Regardless, they too pick out fortunes for the new year. 

“Everyone needs to get at least future blessings,” Hinata instructs, opening his own card to find his desired fortune. “Oh and it’s for my wish! We’re definitely gonna win Nationals now!”

“I got future blessings too,” Kageyama announces. “For travel.”

“That’ll be good for U-19,” Yachi adds. “Oh and small blessing for studies!” 

“I got a great blessing,” Tadashi admits, a little bewildered. 

“Ooh, ooh for what?” Hinata presses, trying to read the paper. 

“A person being waited for.”

Tadashi can’t help but seek out Kei’s opinion. He’s too wrapped up in his own fortune. 

“What did you get, Tsukki?” he asks. 

“Great curse for romantic relationships,” Kei states, eyes searching on his paper. 

Hinata lets out a laugh. “Ha-ha! Lonelyshima is gonna be lonely for another year!”

“At least I got something interesting,” Kei argues back. “What good will a future blessing do?”

“It’ll let us win Nationals!”

“Yeah, like a paper fortune will help with that. Try growing ten centimeters and then maybe we’ll have a chance.”

Hinata and Kei start to go off on each other but Yachi holds them each at arm’s length. “It doesn’t matter if we got good fortunes or bad fortunes!” She says, pointedly looking in each of their directions. “We’ll be able to succeed with or without it. Now let’s go get some ozouni and try not to cause everyone else any more trouble.”

She pushes each of them apart and rests her hands on her hips. Kageyama acts like nothing’s wrong in the first place while Hinata and Kei pout in their respective manners. 

Tadashi grins as another wave of unbridled happiness overwhelms him. 

---

“Karasuno? Oh, those guys are insane, ” a bystander exclaims loudly. “They have this crazy fast quick attack that constantly leaves people in the dust. Most blockers jump after they’ve already scored a point, that’s how fast it is. Their setter and ace are both stupid talented.”

“No, no, man I’m telling you they’re not the demon duo,” some other guy insists. “It’s the defense that’s incredible. Their captain has this downright disgusting jump floater with insane power and control that can disassemble any receive formation. Once he throws you off, their two-meter tall blocker stops you with a crazy powerful kill block.”

“Dude, that’s nothing in comparison to the quick! I swear!”

“Okay, but did they score six consecutive points at Interhigh Nationals earlier this year? I don’t think so.”

“No, but the ace’s jumps are way above the net and the setter is scary accurate. They never miss.”

Tadashi passes by the two high schoolers, unable to stop the smile spreading. It’s always nice to hear about your victories but there’s something sort of poetic in the way people like to describe Karasuno. Flightless crows and all that. Although now, they’re more like a murder, ready to attack all at once. 

Tadashi rounds the corner of the arena to find the interviewer already in a tucked-away corner with her cameraman finishing setting up. Yet another thing Tadashi would never get used to: the fact that people actually wanted to talk to him about their upcoming matches. A first year Tadashi could only dream of a moment like this. 

The interviewer holds out a hand for Tadashi. “Yamaguchi-kun, it’s so nice to meet you!” She says, giving a firm handshake only to immediately begin placing Tadashi on his mark. “Are you nervous for the interview?” She asks, adjusting the fine details of his uniform and hair. 

Tadashi stands like a tree as she preens. “A little, but this isn’t my first one.”

“Good, good!” She plasters on her newscaster smile and turns to the camera. “Now don’t forget to talk slow and clear. Oh, and smile!”

She signals the camera man and raises the microphone. He gives her a thumbs up. 

“Good afternoon! I am here with the Captain of Karasuno High School, third year middle blocker, or should I say pinch server, Yamaguchi Tadashi,” the interviewer begins. Tadashi gives a little nod towards the camera and returns his focus to her. “After the incredible performance in this year’s Interhigh Nationals, everyone has their eye on Karasuno. Some even think this could be your year! What do you think about Karasuno’s chances?”

Tadashi lets out a grin. “We are facing some difficult opponents this year so ultimately our goal is to play for as long as we can. I’m certain that making finals is just one part of that.”

“Wow!” The interviewer says brightly. “A big part of Karasuno’s offensive power comes from the ‘Demon Duo’, What has it been like playing alongside U-19 player Kageyama Tobio and V. League prospect Tsukishima Kei?”

Tadashi nearly laughs at the thought that Kageyama and Kei would ever make a duo. “I think we have some pretty incredible pairs,” Tadashi settles on. He doesn’t want to correct her, but then again she’s totally off. “Kageyama and Hinata’s quick attack is certainly something to watch out for while Tsukki… shima and I’s serve and block combo has been pretty effective. Our underclassmen have also been developing their skills, so I’m certain that next year they will continue Karasuno’s growing legacy.”

“Incredible!” The interviewer shouts to the camera. “Best of luck to you and your team.”

They cut after that. The interviewer thanks Tadashi for his time and sends him on his way while they hunt down some other poor captain to torment. 

Tadashi finds Kei a few feet away, an amusing smirk on his face. 

“Nice save,” Kei says coyly. “The last thing I need is for people to associate me with Kageyama more than necessary.”

“Right?” Tadashi says back, eyes following the interviewer as she pulls aside the Itachiyama captain. “Do people actually think you guys are the Demon Duo?”

“Apparently our blocks warrant that kind of treatment so I suppose so.”

“Ew.”

They begin to walk back towards the warm-up area. For the first time, they’re exempt from the initial round. Today’s all about sitting back and observing their potential enemies. The atmosphere of anxiety, determination, and salon-pas has become somewhat comforting to Tadashi over the years.

“Do you actually think we have a shot at winning?” Kei asks. It seems a little out of the blue, especially for someone who used to think this was all just some club. 

“There’s a chance,” Tadashi says. “But only if you put in the effort. We’ll need you out there.”

“Aye-aye Captain.” Kei gives him a lazy two-finger salute. 

Tadashi pushes his arm. “Oh my god, don’t do that.”

“What? I’m respecting my Captain,” Kei argues back slyly. “I only have the utmost respect for my leadership team.”

“You’re the worst,” Tadashi laughs. 

He seriously doesn’t know what’s to come over the next few days. Maybe they’ll only get to play one game. Maybe they’ll win the entire thing. He cares, obviously, but then again, some part of him thinks he’s already won.

---

Tadashi is unsure how to feel. 

Bitter disappointment? Yeah, that’s there. 

Overwhelming pride? That’s there too. 

An odd sense of nostalgia despite everything? Maybe that’s what’s coursing through his veins as he steps forward to accept the third place trophy. It’s small; it fits right into Tadashi’s hands. 

He leans forward and lets the attendant loop the medal around his neck. Kageyama follows suit, and so on until every single member of Karasuno has a bronze medal weighing them down. If the stadium lights weren’t enough, blinding cameras capture their moment of ‘victory’. The crowd roars with a hurried approval, ready for the final game to start. 

Tadashi wonders if he ever thought they could make it all the way. 

At least we made it to center court, he tells himself. At least you were on the sideline when the ball went out of bounds, a crueler, disappointing thought says back. He tells himself to shut up.

They move off the court and find themselves back in some secluded corner where the first years can properly cry in peace. But before they break apart, they turn to the third years with low bows and shaky breaths. 

“Thank you for your service!” The future captain roars. The team echoes in return. 

“Stand up,” Tadashi instructs. The team does as they are told and crowd around him, waiting on his every word. “Don’t you dare regret any play or combination. Don’t beat yourselves up with the what if’s and the but’s. It doesn’t help any. Volleyball is a sport where you need to always be looking up. So keep your head high, be gracious for the opportunities you’ve been given, and move forward. We may have lost today, but I expect to see your first place trophy next year, alright? Now, get yourselves together and let’s go have a proper meal. The first step to getting better is taking care of yourself.

“And, I speak for all the third years when I say this, but thank you for the past year. I can’t imagine a better team. Thank you for your hard work!”

Tadashi bows to hide his disintegrating facade. The other third years bow in response, airing their thanks. 

When Tadashi rises, he sees the team in full on tears now. The future captain rushes at him and soon the entire team surrounds him with sobs and cries of “CAPTAIN!”

He accepts the love, somehow finding a moment to address each member about their performance even as they file out of the stadium. They’re all blubbering messes; all Tadashi can do is hope that in the future they can get themselves together. 

Even when they’re back at the inn, Tadashi helps out the team by encouraging them to eat and telling them funny stories to lighten the mood. They find it particularly amusing when Tadashi relays them tales from their earlier days at Karasuno. 

“You’re kidding!” Hashimoto exclaims between bites of rice. “Hinata-senpai, did you actually sneak into Shiratorizawa?”

“Yup!” Hinata beams. 

“It was the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen,” Kei chides, picking at his meal. Tadashi nudges him to eat more. 

“Hinata, remember when you knocked off the vice principal's wig?” Tadashi recalls with a sly grin. 

“DON’T REMIND ME!” 

That earns a round of laughter and the removal of a few more tears. 

“Hinata was an absolute menace during our first year,” Tadashi explains as he serves some more food to some of their less enthusiastic members. They manage to get in a few bites per Tadashi’s suggestion. “Imagine him now, but about ten centimeters shorter and bouncing all over the place.”

“What are you talking about?” Kageyama chimes in. “He’s still short and he still bounces all over the place.”

“Bakayama I’ve grown more than you!” Hinata argues back.

“Well you’re still short, so.” Kageyama makes a face. 

“Hey, if it makes you feel any better, there was a point in my life when I was taller than Tsukki,” Tadashi adds. He can visibly see Kei’s eyes go wide at the mention of his dark past. “I mean, it was only for about a month in middle school but still~!”

The room breaks out into curious questions and giddy laughs as Kei attempts to regain some of the respect he once previously had. The tears dry up and the food dwindles bite by bite. In no time, their energy from the day runs thin and the younger ones are practically passing out at the table.

While everyone else settles in for the night, Tadashi finds himself outside on the balcony. Nationals this year were held in Osaka. It’s the first time Tadashi’s been this far West and all it does is makes him itch to travel even more once everything is over. Maybe he really can go to the beach in February…

The door slides open behind him and Kei comes to lean against the railing. 

“So, Captain?” Kei initiates. “What’s next?”

“Some sleep,” Tadashi exhales. “After that… who knows.”

Kei nods.

They stand there and take in the night sky. Osaka lays before them, shimmering with skyscrapers and neon lights. Tadashi wishes they could go explore the city, stop into small bars and eat their way through the local cuisine. They might even find a place with better strawberry shortcake than back home. 

Tadashi nearly says it. 

He catches himself before the words actually come out, but they’re on the tip of his tongue, ready to see the light at any moment. I love you. It should be easy, and he really should just do it, but graduation is so close. 

So he resides, standing beside Kei, and taking in the night sky. 

---

“Good morning, Tsukki!” Tadashi calls with a wave. 

Kei actually gives him the smallest of waves back. Even that small of a motion has the power to send an electric charge through Tadashi. 

Life is like how it always is. 

They fall into their usual pace. Tadashi begins to talk about the most pressing issue of his life—this morning it's the fact that he ran out of bread—while Kei nods along and offers up some commentary. Tadashi really wouldn’t have it any other way. 

This morning is slightly different though. Kei appears more engaged than ever, going so far as to ask peering questions and comment on the smallest of details. 

“How did your Sendai interview go?” Kei asks. 

Tadashi groans. “Not as well as I hoped. Apparently, being the captain of the third best high school volleyball team in Japan doesn’t help with business school. I’m not super worried though, I have an interview for Kyoto next week.”

“Kyoto?” Kei raises a brow. 

“It’s just a backup school,” Tadashi explains. “But they do have a nice program.”

“Well that’ll be unfortunate,” Kei huffs with a sort of recognizable airiness in his voice. “Not that I need a crowd to play well, but a familiar face is always welcomed. Especially at those D2 games. You can never really expect what the audience is like.”

Tadashi raises his head to meet Kei’s waiting gaze. There’s no denying the smile tugging at the edges of his lips and the look of unbridled happiness. Tadashi wants to laugh or cry or grin stupidly as some sort of combination of the three escapes him. 

“You’re staying here?” Tadashi asks, fully aware of just how soft and loving his tone is. 

Kei nods. “I signed my contract with the Sendai Frogs yesterday.”

The future. 

It’s something that Tadashi didn’t want to think about for the longest time but now his brain quickly fills with daydreams of tomorrow. Because after graduation, when their lives truly begin, him and Kei can coexist happily together in their own world. 

They can have their first day of college together, ready to take on the firsts of so many. They can meet up for late night study sessions at a little café and drink too much coffee for their own good. They can watch movies at Kei’s apartment, snuggled up underneath a warm blanket with plenty of popcorn to keep them company. They can let loose at some club, dripping in expensive outfits and ready to bask under the neon lights. They can cheer along as Kageyama plays at the Olympics, buddied up with their high school teammates sharing stories of their current lives. 

After college, they can get a cute little house out in the suburbs of Sendai. Or maybe a high-rise penthouse deep downtown. They can go to Hokkaido in the winters and spend their summers dipping into the cool waters of Okinawa. They can adopt a cat and name it something cute and give it the best life they possibly can. 

They would be together every step of the way. Tadashi would attend all of Kei’s games and cheer for him louder than any fan section could. Kei would visit Tadashi at work or pack him little lunches with notes telling him to have a good day.

They could lay under the stars at night, acting like a couple of kids who saw the galaxy through a 70 millimeter projector. 

There’s so much they can do together. A whole lifetime’s worth of memories that have yet to be made. 

Tadashi takes a few steps forward and turns to face Kei.

“I’m so happy,” he relinquishes. 

Pink dots form underneath the frames of Kei’s glasses. He won’t admit it out loud, but he’s happy too. Tadashi knows. 

The ever present warmth in Tadashi’s chest won’t go away but for once Tadashi relishes in the familiar feeling. He basks in the unrestrained happiness.

Somewhere off in the distance, a horn blares. Tadashi watches as Kei’s eyes flick to the left as he opens his mouth. Time seems to stand still for just a moment before reality comes crashing down on Tadashi. There’s a scream. Tadashi’s hit. 

Sensations explode throughout Tadashi’s body. The sky floats above him. Tadashi’s mind goes numb as the sound of breaking glass and crushing metal pierce his ears. It comes again in a second wave, further down the road. 

His head strikes against something hard. The rest of his body goes limp in response, only his arms able to move. Tadashi searches for a breath but it escapes him. 

And pain. Fuck there’s so much pain. Tadashi blinks rapidly, his stomach lurching forward as he violently coughs. He doesn’t need to pull his hand away to feel something wet and red line his fingertips. 

Kei’s there. He’s always there. 

He looks cute like that. Worried. Concerned. Screaming. What is he saying?

Tadashi has things to say. He has things to say to Kei. At graduation though. When was graduation? Maybe he should just say it now. 

And so he does, but he can’t hear his own voice. Did he even say the words? It’s just one sentence. Three words. Three important words Kei really needs to know. 

He tries again but his voice doesn’t want to work. Kei’s crying. He never cries. Why is he crying so much? Did Tadashi make him cry?

“Sorry… Tsukki…” Tadashi barely manages to vocalize. He can feel his throat closing in on itself as his words don’t even qualify as a whisper. 

Pain. And spots. White spots blur the outside of his vision. They look like stars. Constellations. They get bigger, closer with every blink. He can almost reach them. 

But Kei’s still there, and he’s still crying and he still looks beautiful despite his tears. Tadashi loves him. Kei should know it. Kei should know a lot of things, like how it’s okay to cry and that he’s still beautiful. Kei should

Screams mix with sirens. 

Kei’s screams. 

Kei, who never raises his voice, who never cares for much at all, who can’t be bothered with anything, releases a guttural scream that echoes louder than the onslaught of crashed cars. 

Tadashi’s head lolls in his hands. Kei’s fingers inch forward and towards his neck; a pulse still exists but it’s weak, failing with each passing moment. 

“Yamaguchi, please,” Kei begs. “Stay with me please. ”

Voices surround them. Strangers pause on their walks, get out of their cars, stop their lives to see the sad semblance of a man scattered on the road. 

The sirens near. 

Kei’s eyes cannot leave Tadashi’s broken face. Blood seeps everywhere, staining Kei’s hands and clothes. It drips onto the street. It’s anywhere except in Tadashi’s body where it should be. 

He doesn’t even look like himself. 

The ambulances near. 

---

Kei was going to tell Tadashi he loved him at graduation. 

He decided it during his first year of high school but recognized that his feelings towards Tadashi had been dormant for years. Somehow, being dragged around by the collar of your shirt and getting yelled at managed to make Kei fall in love. Oh what he would give for another bout of Tadashi’s loving anger advice. 

There were so many times when Kei nearly said the words. He never had the guts though. Because as soon as he began to consider what would happen if Tadashi rejected him, he lost all of his confidence in the first place. 

And now… and now…

---

Yamaguchi Tadashi dies sometime early in the morning. 

Kei never learns of the actual time. By the time Tadashi, on his last breaths, is wheeled away in an ambulance, the police arrive and begin asking questions. Of course, they go first to the boy covered in blood. Kei tells them what he can quickly and begs them to let him see Tadashi. 

One of the officers eventually gives him a ride to the hospital. She tries to make small talk with him. He says little back. 

He’s dead by the time Kei can get to the hospital. 

Kei screams so loud, they have to restrain him. 

---

Kei doesn’t cry at the funeral.

He sits there beside Tadashi’s mother as she sobs out her heart for her one and only son. Even Tadashi’s father manages to make it, his new family in tow. They shed their crocodile tears over a boy they had never met before. 

The senpais dropped everything in their own lives so they could rush down and mourn. Tadashi would have loved another chance to meet with his upperclassmen. This reunion is cruel in comparison.  

Classmates who had never spoken a word to Tadashi weep for him like they’d known him all their lives. There are others too who Kei can't be bothered to recognize; they fill the rows and dab their eyes when they deem it necessary. Kei never knew that people were such amazing actors. 

Kei doesn’t cry. He doesn’t say a word to anyone. 

No, he idly sits on the front row as Kageyama and Hinata mount the lectern and give a heartfelt eulogy in tandem. Where one leaves off in stuttered words and choking tears, the other picks up. It’s funny in a way. Kei wants to joke about how they’re two sides of the same idiot but there's no one here to snicker along at his rude attempts at humor. 

Kei had been asked to speak, but he downright refused. There is nothing he could say to this group of near strangers that would make them feel better about losing someone so young and full of life. Funerals aren’t for the dead. They are a sick, twisted ceremony to make the living move on. 

Fact is, Kei won’t move on. At least not yet. Because even though he had absolutely no words to give the living, he had about a trillion things to tell the dead. If he couldn’t say all of that, then he would be fine settling for a single sentence. A mere three words. 

The funeral passes by in a stone-cold blur. Kei is removed from it all. It’s like he watches his cold, lifeless body from ten meters away. He can actually see himself remain inexpressive and aloof. He can hear the hushed whispers of others questioning why Kei isn’t doing anything. 

“I thought they were best friends.”

“I haven’t seen him cry.”

“They’ve known each other since elementary school.”

At one point during the reception, Kei finds himself segregated from the rest of the crowd. As tears are shed and stories are passed, Kei sips on his water to quench his sore throat. He might not have cried, but he can’t neglect the fact that his throat tightened each time he stops to consider the real reason why so many people were gathered in one place. 

Daichi comes by close to the end of the night. He doesn’t say anything, like he already knows his words will have no effect whatsoever. Instead, he claps a hand on Kei’s shoulder and doesn’t let go until Kei stops trembling where he stands. As much as Kei is silently thankful for his former captain’s reassuring presence, it doesn’t help to drown out the melancholy rooted in his veins. 

Once the strangers decide they are done crying, they trickle out of the reception hall. Yachi sits by Kei and together they silently watch the others leave. Hinata and Kageyama join them soon after. 

A quartet feels weird. It feels wrong. 

The silence that passes between them isn’t pleasant or content like that night on the beach. No, this is awkward. Unnecessary. The glue that managed to hold them all together had peeled away, leaving behind broken pieces in its stead. 

Kei stands, smoothing down his shirt. While the rest of the trio glances at him with concerned eyes, Kei pays them no mind. He simply pretends to not notice their presence even as they follow him out of the hall and onto the street. It might have been out of genuine worry for Kei but after knowing him for three years the least they could do was understand his need for solitude. 

They’re completely silent behind him. Eerie. A shadow that refuses to leave. 

Kei turns quickly on his heel, facing the trio. They’re all in their own form of disarray. 

“What are you doing?” Kei demands, not bothering to hide his emotions any longer. 

Yachi steps a little forward, holding out her hands. “Tsukishima, you can talk with us. You don’t have to push us away.”

Kei shakes his head. How funny. “Like you three could ever understand.”

“We lost him too, you know,” Hinata says back. His voice doesn’t have the same fight it usually does.

“But not in the same way. You didn’t grow up with him. He wasn’t always by your side. You can go on and live your normal lives without him but I—”

They’re looking at him with big eyes and upturned brows. Kei is pathetic. 

“Whatever,” he says, swallowing down the remaining strands of his emotions. “Just stay away from me.”

He turns on his heel, ignoring the call of his name. And for once, Kei puts all of his effort into running. 

---

School feels meaningless after that. 

Everything feels meaningless after that. 

---

In the dead of night, Kei can’t stop thinking about Tadashi. 

Graduation is a mere few hours away, but Kei’s mind won’t allow him to sleep. He can’t rid himself of the image of Tadashi’s near lifeless body bleeding out on the street. 

Kei forces himself out of bed and sneaks out of his house. 

He walks under the expansive sky in those wee, small hours of the morning and follows the familiar path. He wishes there was someone here to talk his ear off and fill up the empty neighborhood with the sound of sweet laughter. 

Instead, Kei walks alone, head tilted back to look at the stars. Is Tadashi looking down at him, scattered amongst the stardust? Does he see how much Kei is hurting?

He reaches the apartment in no time, finding the spare key under one of the potted plants by the door. For emergencies only, a young Tadashi said when he showed Kei its location years and years ago. If this isn’t an emergency, then Kei doesn’t know what is. 

The apartment is empty. Sayo has thrown herself into her work apparently. There’s practically no sign that someone lives here in the first place. 

Kei takes off his shoes and enters the side hallway. Tadashi’s door is closed, still decorated with a stupid little name tag from middle school. Kei turns the knob and steps inside. 

It’s overwhelming, frankly. Every single object in the room is Tadashi in one way or another. The exorbitant amount of pillows on the bed, the little pieces of paper sticking out of the bookshelf, the laptop that’s collecting dust on the floor, the glow-in-the-dark stars plastered to the ceiling, the constellation chart that hangs on the wall. 

The issue lies in the fact that none of it has the warmth of Tadashi’s presence. None of it has his toothy grin or shocked expressions or breathy laugh or flowy hair or beautiful freckles. 

As Kei sits down on the bed, he realizes even this lacks the once-comforting smell of lemongrass he’d come to associate Tadashi with. He lets himself fall onto the bed and pulls in that dinosaur plush he’d gifted Tadashi what seemed like lifetimes ago. Even flesh against his chest, Kei can’t smell anything. It’s not Tadashi, after all. It could never be. A simple plush won’t latch onto his side and drool on his shoulder and be completely relaxed as it dozes off in the middle of the night. 

Kei absently thinks back to the last night he was in this room. He can’t remember the conversation they had. Why can’t he remember? It was the last night they would ever spend together and they had wasted it by talking about something stupid that Kei can’t even remember. If he’d known that Tadashi would… 

Kei takes in a shaky breath. 

Would he change anything though? Would Kei have spilled his heart out? Because in some strange way he is content coexisting with Tadashi like they had for the past near decade. He could admire from afar and be perfectly happy. What he would give for another night of whispering stupid comments and watching dumb movies under the lights of a bad Pluto projector. 

Kei forces himself off the bed and begins to poke around Tadashi’s room. He’d never had the interest before, but now the curiosity is eating him alive. There has to be something that he missed. Some sort of insight into Tadashi’s mind. A final word. What he was trying to tell Kei as the color and life drained out of him. 

His calendar is still open to February. Kei flips through it, noticing how the day of graduation is circled multiple times, a little note beside the date saying DO IT!! Of course Tadashi would be looking forward to this day; it’d be the day he could finally put high school behind him. He could put Kei behind him too. 

The desk is otherwise covered in loose papers and knick-knacks. Old assignments and books litter the top while sticky notes hang above with little messages Tadashi must have written to himself. 

be here, now. 

Call Dr. Takeru

Kyoto Interview!! Look nice!!

TELL HIM. 

ask kageyama abt that one magazine

I am in control of my own happiness!!

b-day gift for mom??

DON’T BE STUPID 

thank Shimada!!

hokkaido w tsukki??

Kei pulls that last one off the wall. A trip to Hokkaido? Tadashi had never mentioned that. 

And there it is. The ache. The fact that Tadashi had all of these little things to get done, this future he would never be able to see because some guy stripped it all away from him. There was more than just some stupid sticky notes. There were ideas and plans and hopes that no one would ever know because they died along with Tadashi in some cold, empty hospital. 

Kei weeps. 

For the first time since he saw Tadashi bleeding out in his hands, Kei weeps like a person who lost their best friend should. Because in reality, he has lost much, much more than a best friend. He lost the one person he could be himself with. He lost the one person who could make him smile and laugh like there’s no one else there. He lost the one person he loves so dearly he is in physical pain when he begins to dwell on the fact that he is no longer here. 

Kei holds the sticky note close to his chest as he sobs out everything inside him. He could have gone to Hokkaido with Tadashi. 

He could have done a million things with Tadashi if he was given the chance. Kei could have said those three words that sat so heavy in his chest that he should have said a long, long time ago. What kind of idiot waits to tell someone they love them? Why, why did he put it off?

Kei should have told him the moment he realized it during his first year. He should have gone through with it all of those times he tried to tell him. He should have finished his sentence. 

Or maybe he should have said it the first day they met. When Tadashi looked up at him with those big eyes and found something spectacular that Kei still can’t see. Because the truth is, Kei has been in love with Tadashi since the first moment they existed in the same space. He just didn’t realize it until years later. 

Kei sets down the sticky note and takes a step back. It’s too much. He needs to leave but something catches his eye. 

A Polaroid picture hangs above the desk showing a small Kei and Tadashi from one of the first times they hung out together. It’s from a summertime festival back when Kei still wanted to show off his big brother to everyone. Akiteru had taken them and brought along a camera to capture the night. 

Tadashi’s cotton candy had fallen after some rude guy bumped into them. He grumbled something about stupid kids before promptly stepping into the cotton candy, ruining his own shoes. The guy didn’t even notice; he simply walked away as Tadashi began to tear up. 

He used to cry so much as a kid. It’s gotten better over the years and Kei slowly became better at redirecting his attention. That time, all Kei had to do was point out the man’s misfortune and suddenly they were laughing like they were the only two people left in the world. They laughed all night, cheeks rosy and stomachs full as they embarked on their festival journey. At some point, their beautiful laughter had been forever captured in a small, squared photograph. 

Kei carefully removes the photo from the wall. He misses being this happy. He misses being amazed by the stars in the sky and the stars in Tadashi’s eyes. He misses feeling like he was indestructible. 

He misses Tadashi. 

He moves to return the photo back to its rightful spot when a bit of ink on the back side catches him off guard. He flips it over, gingerly reading the sentence over and over again. Because there, in Tadashi’s loopy handwriting, are the words that Kei has longed for but could never hear. 

I love you.