Work Text:
“Why don’t you kiss baba goodbye?”
Yunlan pulls away from Li Qian’s hug, spluttering. He teeters there for a second, but there’s no hope for him at all because he crouched down to say goodbye to little QianQian. So there’s a breathless moment of panic and then he’s tilting backwards and falling on his ass right there in the Shen family’s doorway.
Da Qing and Ye Zun snigger from somewhere down the hallway, those traitors. Well, he expects it from Ye Zun. But Da Qing is should be on his side, no matter how well he and Shen Wei’s little brother get along.
And- yeah. Yunlan can’t even look at Shen Wei right now. Can’t bear the thought of whatever expression is on his face. So instead, he swallows an instinctive what the fuck because little QianQian is right there staring at him with big sad eyes. Even her pigtails seem to be drooping.
“What- why would you—” And no. That’s useless. Yunlan needs to be cool and calm and understanding about this even if his heart is skittering along his ribs and might actually give out from sheer stress. He swallows, breathes in. Out. Tries again with a wobbly smile. “What do you mean, A-Qian?”
Luckily, the little girl seems more confused than upset, head tilting as she pouts. “You always give me a hug and a kiss goodbye. Why don’t you do the same to baba?”
Throat clicking as he swallows, Yunlan very determinedly does not peek at whatever Shen Wei’s face is doing. Curiously, Shen Wei isn’t even butting in and saving Yunlan’s ass. That can mean many things, none of them good for Yunlan.
“Well, you’re special, QianQian. I don’t give Ye Zun a kiss goodbye, either.”
Now Li Qian’s brows are furrowing. “But that’s ‘cause Jiujiu doesn’t want to be touched unless he says it’s okay. It’s not okay to touch someone if they say no, even for a hug.”
Pride swells in his chest. Li Qian is such a good, smart, polite little girl. Already so much like her father.
Still, it hurts to say, “Well, I’m respecting your baba’s space, too, QianQian. He doesn’t want me to kiss him.”
Because it’s true. Yunlan knows it’s true, no matter what he may fantasize at night or dream about during the waking hours of the day when it’s just him, Shen Wei and Li Qian. Together like a proper little family. Everything in him aches with want. Because when they’re all together it feels so right. Da Qing and Ye Zun included, those wily bastards. On the nights where Yunlan doesn’t crash on Shen Wei’s couch, whether intentionally or because he fell asleep with Li Qian in his lap, he goes back to his lonely little apartment and pretends it doesn’t hurt like nothing he’s felt before.
Sure, Da Qing is family and Yunlan loves him. He’s always more than grateful when the Yashou curls up in the small of his back late at night. But Shen Wei and Li Qian…
The thing is. Yunlan never thought he’d get a family. And why would he? His childhood was shit, his father is a terrible example, and Yunlan just- knows he wasn’t made for love. Who could love him? He’s a spastic, selfish mess. Incapable of taking care of himself or others. His father’s told him so, and while normally Yunlan tries not to internalize shit like that- it’s come up with almost every single girlfriend and boyfriend he’s ever had. So, at some point Yunlan just- gave in. Contented himself with prowling bars for a quick fuck instead of indulging in drawn out dates full of honeyed words and lingering glances.
But then he met Shen Wei and Li Qian and—
Well.
Shen Wei made him want to try, and Li Qian made him think he might have some hope after all.
With them, it’s easy to believe Yunlan is made for love, because he holds so much love in his heart for them, he could burst.
Except- it’s been months since that fateful day. When Yunlan looked down from the University window and found Shen Wei’s beautiful face staring up at him. Months since he found out that the mysterious professor was in fact a loving single dad with the sweetest, most adorable little girl for a daughter. And it’s been months since he found out about Shen Wei’s world-weary, sarcastic twin brother. And while Yunlan knows there is much he still doesn’t know about Shen Wei, like why he even lets Yunlan into his life. Or what Kunlun means to him. Or why Shen Wei seems so, so sad sometimes when he has everything he could ever want in his little family.
So while Yunlan knows there is much he will never know about Shen Wei, he does know this:
Shen Wei is as much Hei Pao Shi as Hei Pao Shi is Shen Wei. The love for his people is only eclipsed by the love he holds for his family. He is intense in all the best of ways. Those glasses are absolutely for show, but he likes they way they look on him and the barrier they create between him and the rest of the world. There is power beneath that skin that goes beyond dark energy. There is power in his words that goes beyond simple truth and the uncomplicated desire to do what is right. His students mean more to him than he’ll ever say. He’d rather live a life of quiet peace than one of war. He prefers spicy to bland, bitter to sweet, hot drinks over cold. Letting his daughter curl up in his lap while he works helps him concentrate instead of distracts. His favourite cooking pan is the wok Ye Zun gave him last year. His hands are elegant no matter what they’re doing: wielding chopsticks or his yu tao dao. Running soothing fingers through Li Qian’s hair or grading papers. Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose or wrapped around Yunlan’s wrist.
All of these things Yunlan knows and holds dear to his heart. Each new discovery carefully tucked away like a precious thing. Because everything about Shen Wei is valuable and precious and worth protecting.
But there is one more thing Yunlan knows, and it is that Shen Wei does not love him.
Nothing will change that. Not even trips to the zoo or tea parties with Li Qian’s stuffed animals and definitely not the fact that Yunlan tumbled head over heels for Shen Wei so, so long ago. Yunlan’s love for Shen Wei could fill oceans. It would drown the world. It would spill across the sky and fill the spaces between the stars.
But Shen Wei does not feel the same. Will never feel the same. He is content with his daughter. Content with his brother. He would never ask for anything more than the home he already has.
So how could Yunlan insert himself into Shen Wei’s perfect life? How could he possibly presume that Shen Wei would want him like that? Shen Wei already tolerates the gifts Yunlan presses into Li Qian’s delighted hands. He doesn’t say anything when Yunlan passes out on his couch with Li Qian and Da Qing sprawled across his lap. Just tucks a blanket around them like maybe it’s okay for Yunlan to be there.
And- well. Okay. Maybe Yunlan has already burrowed into Shen Wei’s life like a particularly annoying tick. But Shen Wei’s allowed it so far and Yunlan will take every fleeting moment he can with the little Shen family. Because- because here, with them, feels like home.
Yunlan is selfish enough to let himself believe he belongs.
Just for a little while.
So when he tells Li Qian Well, I’m respecting your baba’s space, too, QianQian. He doesn’t want me to kiss him, he means it utterly and completely.
In no world does Shen Wei want to kiss him. In no world does Shen Wei want him at all. It is a simple truth that Yunlan has forced himself to accept no matter how much it breaks his heart.
Someday, Shen Wei will tire of him. Someday, Shen Wei will kindly and politely tell Yunlan to stop butting into his life and leave them alone. QianQian will grow up and forget all about the lollipops Yunlan used to sneak into her pockets. Ye Zun will probably be relieved to be rid of Yunlan’s incessant teasing.
It’s a wretched thought. One Yunlan has often. It haunts his nightmares and dogs his every step.
On the very worst of days he’ll think: Mama would have loved them.
And that- that he simply cannot bear. The way it leaves him breathless and ruined and aching down to his bones, never fails to make Yunlan lock himself up in his apartment. Mindless of Da Qing’s yowls as the cat scratches to get in. Mindless of the way his phone buzzes with Ye Zun’s weird, stilted, almost-worried texts. Mindless of everything but the pain in his belly because he does not eat and he does not drink. Only curls up in bed and pretends the world doesn’t exist.
Yunlan aches with the need to kiss Shen Wei. There’s nothing he’d love more than to run his fingers through that ink-dark dark and pull him close. Until there’s nothing left between them but breath and desire.
But it’s true, Yunlan respects Shen Wei too much to force that on him. Loves him too much to pretend anything is reciprocated. At least he can do this. This small, insignificant thing.
Except Li Qian- she’s frowning, lip wobbling. “But—” she says, voice just as wobbly. “Jiujiu says baba does.”
A thousand things war in Yunlan’s heart. Shock, indignation, anger, hurt. He has to swallow back the weak hope. It stings all the way down his throat. “Oh, does he now,” Yunlan manages to rasp. “And what else does Jiujiu say?” He nearly casts a nasty glare down the hall where Ye Zun cradles the cat in his arms. But he doesn’t. He only has eyes for Li Qian who looks about ready to cry.
She sniffles and Yunlan immediately reaches out to wipe away her tears.
“Hey, hey,” he murmurs. “It’s okay. I’m sorry. It’s okay.”
But the little girl just shakes her head and rubs at her eyes. “Jiujiu—” Her voice wobbles once more before it steadies. Her jaw juts with familiar determination. It makes Yunlan’s heart ache. So much like her father. So, so much.
“Jiujiu,” she starts again, a strange resolve in her eyes, “says he and baba are a lot alike. Just like Jiujiu sometimes feels weird about asking for seconds at dinner even though he’s hungry, baba doesn’t know how to ask for what he wants. And that he wants you.”
Cheeks blazing, Yunlan shakes his head mutely. Unsteady, he takes a breath. Tries a second. A third. There’s a rushing in his ears that might actually be the pounding of his heart. A rhythm so painful he wants to curl into himself and plead with it to stop. Just stop.
“I- I’m sorry, Li Qian,” Yunlan rasps. “I don’t think that’s true. Your baba- he- he doesn’t want me. Right, Shen Wei?” Unthinking, he glances up over her shoulder—
—and gets the breath punched out of him at the look upon Shen Wei’s face.
His perfect, porcelain face is fractured shattered broken open in pure, simple yearning. Grief shimmers in his eyes. His cheeks dusted with embarrassment. He looks gutted. Wrecked. Vulnerable in all the best and worst ways.
“Shen Wei?” Yunlan whispers, voice barely a breath. Because there is barely any breath left in him. There’s nothing caged between his brittle ribs but this awful ache he’s tried to ignore since the very second he laid eyes on Shen Wei. “She- she’s wrong, right?”
But Shen Wei says nothing. Nothing with words anyway. And Yunlan can’t trust himself to read what’s written upon that devastating face.
“Shen Wei,” Yunlan tries again, throat rasping. Slowly, so slowly, he rises to his feet, unable to tear his eyes from Shen Wei. “Shen Wei- do you want me?”
And- no. That’s not good. Not good at all. Because Shen Wei’s expression does something terrible then. His lips tighten, tension wrinkles the corners of his eyes, the space between his brows. Tears swell but do not spill. He does not blink. He doesn’t even breathe.
But- that’s fair. Yunlan doesn’t think he’s breathing, either. “Shen Wei,” he says, lips wrapping around the name like a prayer. He takes a halting step forward. Dimly, he’s aware of Li Qian backing away as she watches them. He takes another step and when Shen Wei does not retreat, he takes it as encouragement. Steps right up into Shen Wei’s space, into the heat of his body. Raises his hands. Gently cups Shen Wei’s beautiful face between trembling palms. His cheeks are unnaturally warm. Usually Shen Wei’s skin is so cool to the touch.
“Shen Wei,” Yunlan whispers again, “do you want me?”
Shen Wei stares at him, eyes so dark and shimmering, like the night sky. Then, his lashes dip and brush featherlight across his cheeks. Tears spill over Yunlan’s fingers. When Shen Wei opens his eyes again, his lips part and tremble. Struck wordless. He hovers upon the edge of that terrifying precipice right along with Yunlan.
Gentle and aching, Yunlan traces the corners of Shen Wei’s eyes with his thumbs. The skin is so soft. He wonders if anyone else has touched that vulnerable place. If, in the distant past, Kunlun once placed his thumbs where Yunlan’s are now.
It’s so strange to think, that anyone else could be allowed this. That Yunlan could be allowed this. How is it possible, that everything Yunlan loves most in the world can be so simply sheltered between his cupped palms? There is nothing Yunlan wants more than to protect Shen Wei from all the cruelty and heartbreak in this world. He’ll allow himself this. Just this once, he tells himself. Just this once.
“Because,” Yunlan confesses, quiet and quaking, “I want you.”
And the way Shen Wei’s face lights up, the way those tears spill hot over his fingers, the way Shen Wei shivers and presses his face into Yunlan’s hands—
Yunlan knows. Abruptly, and deeply. He knows that Shen Wei loves him back. So how can he stop himself from pressing a kiss into the corner of Shen Wei’s eye? The curve of his cheek. The tip of his nose. With a careful brush of his lips, he smoothes away the furrow between Shen Wei’s brows. Moves to press another kiss right in the center of his forehead, when Shen Wei’s hands bury themselves in Yunlan’s messy hair and pulls him down. Presses his mouth open and hot to Yunlan’s lips. Pushes into him, pushes him back until Yunlan’s shoulders hit the door and Shen Wei presses him into it like he if tries hard enough Yunlan will never leave.
It’s hot and heady and more than Yunlan could have possibly imagined.
It’s also entirely inappropriate considering their lingering audience. But Shen Wei doesn’t seem to care. In some vague hazy corner of his stunned mind, Yunlan wonders how much Shen Wei must want this to forget about everything else. How long he must have waited, for him to act like holding Yunlan is his arms is the only thing that matters.
“Come on, QianQian,” Ye Zun mutters amusedly somewhere over Shen Wei’s shoulder, “Let’s leave them to it.”
Then Shen Wei shoves a thigh between Yunlan’s legs and oh- oh. Yunlan’s never ever made that sound before. Not in his entire life. But apparently that’s a good thing, because Shen Wei’s breath stutters and then he’s pushing his knee up and catching Yunlan’s lip between his teeth and—
“Gross!” Da Qing calls, voice shrill. “Get a room next time!”
Yunlan has just enough presence of mind to not flip the cat off. Yunlan is enough of a bad example to Li Qian. He doesn’t need her innocently repeating the gesture at school, or- even worse, in front of Shen Wei.
After all, that’s the sole reason Yunlan doesn’t swear in front of Li Qian anymore.
The pure shock on Shen Wei’s face as little Qianqian yelled Fuck will forever be seared into the backs of Yunlan’s eyelids. It makes him smile, lips curving into the kiss. A breathless laugh bubbles up.
Shen Wei breaks away, eyes dark and wanting. Breath hot and panting. “What is it?” he murmurs, voice so delightfully rough. Kiss-swollen lips skim the corner of Yunlan’s mouth.
“Nothing,” Yunlan says, heart so full of happiness and love he could burst, “just you.”
And it’s so easy to pull Shen Wei in again.
So, so easy when he knows that Shen Wei wants this, too.
After so, so long, Yunlan has finally found his home right here in Shen Wei’s arms.