Chapter Text
This story is slightly AU. They're still police though...
Each chapter will represent a song...hopefully. If you've read any of my other work, you know music plays a part in them and I want to see if I can use the premise of the song to write the story. I'm also looking for some additional songs for later chapters...can be any genre...just looking for songs that I might not think of. Thanks~Nan
Song: Learning to Live Again by Garth Brooks
8:25pm... Still enough to back out if he wants to. His brother Will and fiancé Maura were meeting him at a new bar downtown at 9. It’s not that he wants to cancel...not really. He likes being able to spend time with his brother, and Maura is pretty great too.
What’s got him second guessing tonight is the fact that he’s going to have to sit and make small talk with Maura’s friend. He should have just said no when she suggested he meet them for drinks. He’d honestly just run out of excuses to not go and Will and Maura had both been exstatic he’d agreed.
“It’s time, Jay.” That’s what everyone keeps telling him. Like they know what’s best for him. It used to drive him crazy...after it happened. Now, he just sort of smiles and nods when people give him advice. He never listens to what they say.
He’s already planned out how this night is going to go. He’s going to be polite, but he’s going to make sure he doesn’t give whoever this ‘friend’ is, the idea that he’s after more. He’ll have one drink. Maybe sip at it for a half hour...an hour max, and then he’ll go. It’ll buy him a couple of months at least until he has to do this again.
The bar is already crowded when Jay makes his way inside. A quick stop to grab a drink from the counter, and then he’s headed outside to find Will and Maura.
“Jay!” Jay turns and catches Maura waving excitedly near the corner of a small dance floor they have set up.
“Hey. This place is...nice.” He hugs Maura and then Will before he looks around the table again.
“She isn’t here yet.” Maura knows Jay probably hates when she drags him along to meet people who she thinks would be a good match for him. She just doesn’t like to see him alone. “She’s running late, but she said she’ll be here soon.” She gives him a smirk, knowing he was probably trying to cut out as soon as he could.
By the time her friend arrives, Jay is already on his second drink. It’s nearly 10pm now and he wonders what could possibly have held her up for an hour. He watches as Maura rushes towards her and hugs her tightly. He still can’t really see her face, but she’s got wavy blonde hair...a lot of it. Maura must say something to her, because she nods and then they are both walking towards him.
Here we go again.
“Jay, this is Hailey.” Maura introduces them and for a second, Jay is caught speechless. He doesn’t think he has ever seen eyes this blue...and the way they seem to sparkle when she smiles at him has a feeling settling in his chest that he hasn’t felt in longer than he can remember.
“Nice to meet...shit.” He had reached his hand out to her but he knocked over his fresh beer in the process and he can only look on in absolute horror as the liquid splashes off the table and right onto Hailey’s shirt.
“Oh my God...I’m so sorry. Here...let me…” He’s pressing napkins against her stomach where the beer drenched her shirt before he even realizes what he’s doing.
“It’s okay.” It comes out as one of those nervous laughs. “Stop.” Hailey tries to get his hands off her. Just as he is about to press the napkins to her chest, he seems to finally realize what he’s doing.
“Jeez Jay…” Will laughs, trying to get Jay to relax some. He can see the nerves all over his face, which is odd. His brother doesn’t get nervous. Interesting.
“Well...now that anyone who wants to look can see right through my shirt...Maur, happen to have a spare I can borrow?” She’s not really mad. It’s kind of funny actually, and right on course for how this day had been.
“Here. Take this.” Jay shrugs out of his button up and hands it over to Hailey. “I really am sorry.” Their fingers brush as she reaches for his shirt and she thanks him, quickly slipping her arms through the sleeves.
“Right, well...I am gonna go get us another round. Don’t worry, Hailey. I‘ll tell them to put my brothers in a kids cup.” As expected, everyone laughs and then Will asks Maura to come help him.
“Subtle…” Jay shakes his head after his brother clears out. He cannot believe what he just did. At least she hadn’t just left.
“So...when you aren’t busy throwing drinks at women you’ve just met, what do you do, Jay?” She’s just finished buttoning the middle two bottons and looks up at him.
There’s that smile again and he wonders if it’s actually possible to get lost in someone’s eyes. Thankfully he remembers that she is waiting for an answer and he hurries to tell her that he’s a cop.
“Detective actually. I’m in the Intelligence Unit over at the 21st.” He’s not sure how much Maura told her about him, so he tries to be forthcoming with information without going on about it.
“Right...Maur did tell me that. I’m a cop too. 16th...just sat for the Detectives Exam.” She says it and can’t help the shiver that passes through her when she mentions the exam. It had been absolutely brutal.
Somehow talking to her feels natural and not at all forced like he thought it would. She’s funny and quick with her humor and he still can’t believe she stuck around after the whole drink fiasco. They’ve already been here for over an hour when Jay finally checks his watch.
This could be a girl he sees himself falling for...if he let himself. Which he won’t...at least he is pretty sure he won’t. He isn’t ready.
“Is that a wedding band?” Hailey had seen the chain he had around his neck earlier when he gave her his shirt, but only now did she see it had rings on it. It looked like two wedding bands and an engagement ring. She barely finishes the sentence when Maura kicks her sharply in the shin.
“What the hell Maura?” She’s got pointy toe boots on and that really hurt. She’s rubbing at her shin when it suddenly hits her. Why Maura would kick her like that.
His wife died.
Jay turns his head to look at the crowd but doesn’t speak. This is why he hates to do this. With or without the rings, the question inevitably comes up.
“I’m sorry…” She wishes the floor would open up and swallow her. The only thing Maura told her aside from him being a cop was that he was a widower. “ Just don’t talk about it.” That’s what Maur had told her. His wife had died in a car accident almost two years ago. How could she bring that up?
“Sorry that you asked...or sorry that she’s dead.” The question is meant for Hailey, but he’s glaring over at Maura and Will. Why they think they can tell others his personal story...he’ll never know.
“Jay I…” Maura and Hailey both speak at the same time, but he stops them both. He really isn’t mad...not at Hailey for asking, anyway. Even though two years have passed since he lost her, the weight of that grief hasn’t left him. It’s as though she just died every time someone brings her up.
“I’m gonna grab another beer. This one's warm. Anyone else?” He needs a moment to get his thoughts back in order and after a second with no response, he basically runs back to the bar.
He stays at the bar longer than it would normally take to order a couple beers, and when Hailey finds him 15 minutes later, he’s just about to do a shot. She touches his arm just in time to stop him and she flags the bartender down.
“Can we get another one of these?” She doesn’t look at Jay yet, just waits, looking at the cash in her hands as the bartender pours the shots.
“What are you doing?”
“Thanks…” Hailey pays for the shots and slides the glass in front of her. “Shots are always better when you do them with someone.” She raises her shot glass out to him, but he doesn’t move.
“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I wanted to be alone?” There’s no anger in his tone, it’s just flat...a dry statement.
“Yeah...It did. I gave you 15 minutes for yourself and now I’m here.” Her hand never lowers the glass and she keeps her eyes on his profile. “I’m sorry that Maura told me something that wasn’t hers to tell. And I’m sorry I brought it up at all tonight.”
Having said what she wanted to say, she makes to take the shot but he stops her this time. His fingers wrap around the small glass and he clinks it against hers before he lifts it to his mouth.
They both hiss at the burn and then he’s laughing at her when she gags.
“Here.” He pushes the taller glass of his in front of her and tells her it’s a Coke.
“Definitely thought that was going to be tequila...ugh...I hate vodka.” She lifts his Coke once again and drains the rest of it. “Yeah...you should have done that one by yourself after all.” She only glares at him when he continues to laugh at her.
“You’re not at all what I expected you to be.” Jay’s smile is only partially hidden behind the fresh glass of Coke the bartender set in front of them.
“What were you expecting?” Hailey isn’t sure if that’s a compliment or not.
“Just...not you.” His hand rubs the back of his neck and he wishes there was a better answer to give her. Most of the women his brother and Maura try to set him up with are a lot like Lena, his wife. They are all well mannered and extremely polished...Country Club people. They’d never have arrived an hour late and they definitely would not have reacted to having a drink spilled on them the way Hailey did. She’s like no one he’s ever met before. If he were in the market for a potential girlfriend, she’d be it.
“Look...I don’t want to put more of a damper on the night, but I feel like I should tell you now that I’m not looking for anything right now. I’m uh...I’m only here so they stop trying to set me up for a bit.” She seems like a really nice person, but he doesn’t want to give her the wrong idea.
“Who says I’m looking for something?” She pushes up the sleeves of his shirt that keep falling down her arms and grins slyly at him. “I was promised free drinks and was told you were pretty easy on the eyes.” She pats him on the chest, as if she’s jokingly telling him he never stood a chance and then she walks towards the outside area.
“Dance with me?” She calls it over her shoulder and is more than a little surprised to find him following her already.
“Uhh…” The last time he danced, Lena had been smiling back at him on their wedding day.
“Come on...just one…and then I’m probably calling it a night.” She takes his hand in hers and leads him to the small dance floor. Like they were in a movie or something, the song changes at that exact moment to something slower and she lifts their joined hands and places her other hand on his shoulder.
Jay is momentarily stunned. She still has that smile on her face, only this one is more coy...like she’s testing him. Any reason for him not to be doing this flies from his mind and he sets his right hand on her waist. They start to sway to the music and all Jay can think is that this is nice.
At first, it was just them and a handful of other dancers on the floor, but at the sudden opportunity to have a body pressed against another, more and more couples joined until it’s so crowded that Jay had to pull Hailey in tight to avoid getting bumped by the others.
She’s so fucking tiny. She’s got a personality that is just...huge, and her height, or lack of, is easily overlooked. But here...in his arms, he’s reminded how small she actually is. Lena had been tall. Only an inch shorter than he was. Her head had always fit perfectly right next to his. Hailey’s head barely reaches his shoulders...maybe his armpit. Her head isn’t touching him, but it’s less than an inch from his chest, directly over his heart and he wonders if she can tell how nervous he is from the erratic way it’s beating.
When the song ends, it takes Jay a moment to realize his slow movements no longer match the music and he drops his arms, stepping back from her, slightly embarrassed.
“Hey, you guys want another round?” Will interrupts whatever was happening between them and stands there looking at both of them. Hailey watches as his eyes go from Jay to her and back to Jay as a knowing grin forms on his face.
“None for me. I’m...gonna head out.” She hurries to speak before Will says something that will probably make everyone a little uncomfortable and she walks away to the table.
“Dude...you’re doing so good!” Will slaps Jay loudly on the back.
“Shut up, man.” He declines the offer for drinks and gets to the table just in time to hear the tail end of Maura and Hailey’s conversation.
“Absolutely not...Will and I will drive you home. You are not walking.” Maura was always going to be the one driving home tonight so she’d purposefully only had one drink early on and had been sipping an iced tea since then.
“I am fine to walk. Honestly. Stay and have fun.” She slips her purse over her shoulder and turns to leave, bumping squarely into the solid chest of Jay.
“Oh...Jay can walk you home, right?” Maura had watched the night unfold and despite a few bumps in the road, the two seemed to have hit it off. She’s not above using any opportunity to push them together.
“Maur…” Hailey looks at her friend, completely exasperated. “It’s like 5 blocks. It’s fine.”
“No...I’ll walk you.” It comes out a lot harder than he intended, but for whatever reason, the thought of her walking home alone just doesn’t sit right with him. “It’ll give me some more time to sober up anyway.” He makes sure to keep his voice much more relaxed this time and even manages to give her a smile.
“Fine…that’s...unnecessary but appreciated.”
They make quick work of their goodbyes and then Jay is walking beside Hailey away from the noise of the bar.
“I really can manage on my own. Been doing it for most of my life.”
“You’ve been alone most of your life?” Something about the way she said that last part told him that it was likely the truth.
“Yeah...well, everyone’s got their secrets and their own baggage.” She could be mad that he tried to ask her something so personal, but then...she’d done the same thing earlier. “I just don’t have people that only want to look out for me...that only want the best for me.”
The sad smile that she gives him makes him feel like shit. He should have just kept that to himself. They make the rest of the walk in silence.
“This is me.” She turns up the sidewalk and stops on the small porch outside her front door. Her fingers move over the button of his shirt and she thanks him again for letting her borrow it.
With her up on the step, she’s almost perfectly at eye level with him. The porch light is shining and frames her head just right that it looks like there’s a golden halo around her hair. Angel…
“Tonight was...I had a good time tonight, Hailey.” He leans in without thinking and his lips brush softly against her cheek. “Thank you.”
Her eyes close when his words whisper against her ear and she knows he definitely saw the way she shivered.
“It was really nice to meet you. Goodnight, Jay.” She wishes things were different. She wasn’t lying before about baggage and secrets. Now is not a good time to start something.
“See you…” He suddenly wishes that he could see her again and he’s fairly certain that if he asked her, she might actually say yes. Before he can say anything though, she enters her flat and leaves Jay standing alone outside.
It’s not until he is sitting in his truck back at the bar that the shaking starts. The tears are next and it feels like he can’t breathe. He’d laughed and danced with someone for the first time since his wife died. Is it supposed to feel like this? Like I’m cheating on you?
This right here...this is why he has no desire to get back out there. He’s had everything with Lena and all he knows is that he won’t find that kind of love again and with this guilt coursing through his body, he doesn’t even want to try.