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Early morning, before seven by a handful of minutes, and Levi was already up making breakfast. He had never slept well or for long, and having something to do was always the most effective thing in taking his mind off whatever was keeping him awake. A flip of the spatula had sausage patties sizzling and screaming in the skillet. Coffee was brewing, dark liquid gold dripping into a large 12-cup carafe that filled the small apartment with all the sounds and aromas of breakfast. Eggs went sizzling into the pan alongside the sausage and everything was almost done by then.
He set the table and brought over coffee first. His own was black—he only ever took his tea with additives and drank coffee and espresso both straight—and his partner’s was very light and fairly sweet. A bit like he was, the thought hit Levi, some vague notion in the back of his mind, one of those still-foreign loving thoughts that surprised him from time to time. He let out a single breath that substituted for a laugh and walked down the hall toward the bedroom to wake the still-sleeping man.
Armin was fast asleep, less of an early riser than Levi but not late-to-wake like his layabout best friend was. He was, as always, in a loose-fitting binder, one that didn’t compress, really, and was safe for him to sleep in. It was far more coverage than a bra, far less dysphoria-inducing, and he couldn’t bear to sleep without something on. He was sprawled a bit inelegantly across the bed, taking up most of the space Levi had left nearly an hour ago and both of their pillows. It was with a softness rare to him that Levi watched him sleep a moment, shoulder leaning against the door frame and arms crossed over his chest.
Things weren’t always easy for them, either of them. Both had their demons and struggles, but neither was any better or worse than the other. Trauma and pain couldn’t be compared like that, not really, not truthfully. Levi had no way of knowing the struggle and pain that being transgender could bring with it, just like he couldn’t know the joys of it. Similarly, Armin would hopefully never know the pain of getting your closest friends and classmates killed in a terrible accident. But they didn’t compare these things and compete, because that wasn’t what relationships and companionship was for. They were for sharing pain across more space and thinning it out as much as they could.
Armin helped far more than he likely thought he did. The petite young man wasn’t very self-confident and didn’t hold himself in high esteem, but he was one of the best friends and partners absolutely anyone could ask for. Levi often found himself in the throes of severe self-hatred or self-turned rage and pain, and every time he felt himself spiraling that blonde angel of his would help pull him back above the turbulent surface. Somehow he always knew what to do, in far less of a nebulous way than so many romantics would imply with that phrase. He always knew what to do, what Levi needed. Sometimes Levi needed space more than anything and sometimes he used distance to harm himself psychologically, and Armin always read the situation and made the right choice. Sometimes he would coax him out of his own head with soft words and softer touches, with little gestures that made the pain dull. Only a little, but it was more than nothing. Other times he was simply happy and endearing and it eased the brunette’s aching heart, made it ache in an entirely different way. And Levi… Levi only hoped he helped Armin as much as Armin always helped him.
He pulled himself out of his own head then, coming back into reality with the soft beep of the coffee machine from down the hall. A little knock on the wood of the door frame had Armin stirring, slowly rousing from sleep with a soft noise and a deep breath as his blonde lashes fluttered and his blue eyes opened. He always looked softer in the early morning light, if that was even possible, when he was peaceful with sleep and his demons weren’t awake. Some days were simply easier, for both of them.
“Mn… Good morning…” A yawn interrupted Armin’s greeting and he threw the back of his hand over his mouth to stifle it politely. It had always been his manner to be terribly polite, sometimes to a fault that held him back, and living with Levi for almost nine months hadn’t changed much of that. He was a little better at taking care not to trample himself just to be proper, which was a wonderful change. For both of them, as with many things, a little progress was still good progress.
Levi watched him quietly for a few more moments. The morning had started quiet and he was still feeling quiet. The brunette was taciturn a lot of the time anyways, but he didn’t usually mind casual conversation and light talks. Right now he didn’t much want any of it. “Breakfast is ready,” was all he said, nodding back toward the kitchen before he turned to walk in that direction. He knew Armin would follow whenever he was ready to, and knew he didn’t have to hold his hand or coddle him. For all his softness and insecurity, Armin was deeply, terribly strong in a way traumatized hearts had to be.
True to form Armin was dressed in clothes good for lazing around the house and had his face washed in record time. He slept a little longer than Levi did, sure, but he was wide awake just as fast. When he padded into the kitchen in cute socks, an oversized sweater, and shorts that barely peeked out from under it, Levi had the momentary thought that this shit would be the death of him, this cute, soft shit that came naturally with Armin. But like everything else had been since he’d woken after too-little sleep, it blew away like fragments in the wind.
Armin walked to the table and sat without saying anything, simply offering a soft smile as he gratefully took the coffee and downed about half of it. That smile got brighter like it always did when he realized the coffee was perfectly made. It never hadn’t been, but he was always tickled pink by it anyways. The way he hummed softly to himself as he added a bit of butter and syrup to his pancakes was its own little sweet tune. Like a personalized radio station tuned to Levi’s heartstrings, and sometimes he hated the sentimentality that came with it. He used to be a lot harder than this with so many more edges but… He couldn’t bring himself to want anything else. To want anyone else.
They ate in relative silence beyond the sound of cutlery and ceramic mugs. Armin cleaned his plate like he always did, a polite eater; Levi knew exactly how much the blonde could eat most of the time and that helped. Small details like that made him feel more relevant, more in control. He, however, barely touched his food despite serving himself a full portion. Days like today weren’t conducive to a good appetite. Naturally his lover picked up on it, giving him a scrutinizing gaze with the gears turning in his genius mind before he stood and took his plate to the sink and Levi’s back to the stove to set it aside for now.
When he walked back over it was to drape himself over the back of the chair, an arm falling softly over Levi’s shoulder and across his chest while his chin rested atop his other arm. “When did you wake up?” he asked softly, rather than asking how well he slept or if he was alright. They had their own language, their own system, their own things that worked for one another. Armin always read him like a book where the pages were torn and frayed.
“Six.”
It meant he’d only gotten maybe two hours of sleep, if that. They’d gone to bed around midnight; Armin wasn’t good at staying up late. But Levi always had some trouble falling asleep, and last night he’d been awake until 4 AM unable to stop his mind from screaming silently. He knew he’d woken Armin at least twice, shifting his weight and trying to get something to cooperate—if not his mind than maybe his exhausted body. But there had been no helping it.
They both let the quiet linger. Armin stayed where he was, thinking about everything all at once. Levi stayed put, trying to think about nothing. But after a time, maybe only a few minutes, maybe an eternity, Armin kissed him on the cheek and stood. “Come watch TV with me,” he called in his sweet voice, smiling over his shoulder as he walked toward the living room. Levi watched him go, still a bit in his own head, before he stood with a tired sigh and brought his coffee and Armin’s forgotten cup over to the couch. Tuning out on his brain to watch something mind-numbing didn’t seem so bad. Not as long as Armin was there with him.