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No more waiting. No more pretending. Sylvain had no more excuses left; it felt dishonest to fish for any more reasons why he should put off such an important discussion. Dimitri’s reminder that he was currently undergoing daily group and one-on-one therapy sessions, as well as recreational therapy sessions, was proof enough that it would be the perfect time to tell him something that may upset him.
No more running. He had to come clean and be accountable for the mistakes he’s made, no matter how stupid it was or how technically it wasn't actually what happened.
“I cheated on you.”
The look on his face was crushing. He hadn't looked Sylvain in the eye yet, feeling the tension surrounding him and not wanting to do anything about it. Sylvain wanted to fight whatever would come next, talk them in circles and make it sound like it wasn’t as bad as it was. He didn’t touch Felix, so it wasn’t really cheating, right? Right. It was fine. Right?
Dimitri was stuck in that clean common room. Sure it would be simple to tear the doors off and leave, but he found himself not wanting to even in his first days when he was initially found. He couldn’t go anywhere or run from this. He was forced to stay in his chair for the moment and then wait for visiting hours to be over before Sylvain would leave.
Dimitri hadn't frowned, hadn't widened his eye, hadn't had his face twist in shock.
There was no change. As though Sylvain had told him something as simple as “they are bringing you green jello instead of red today.” Like he expected to hear it.
“That's why I didn't want to say anything.” Sylvain let out the breath he'd been holding, waiting for some sort of reaction. “I've… I've never done that to someone I liked. To someone I was expecting to…”
“Did you think we would one day be married?” He finally spoke, not raising his voice. His tone remained neutral and he was so calm it was eerie. “Truly, Sylvain. But I will allow you one chance to explain yourself before I ask that you leave.”
“Okay, okay…” He bowed his head, not wanting to show that his eyes stung from tears. Damn it, he'd cried twice in the past few days. He couldn't do that to his boyfriend(?), he couldn't use his emotions to manipulate it somehow into being alright. No matter what they set up beforehand, no matter how innocent it seemed at first, Sylvain was convinced.
“Before visiting hours are up if you would be so kind.”
“I didn't touch -” it started, but he choked himself on the rest of the sentence. No, he wasn't going to go that route. He wasn't going to make it sound like anything less than it was. He wasn’t talking to a girl he’d been with for a few weeks. He was admitting it to someone he truly loved, and Dimitri deserved to know. “I woke up to Felix trying to wriggle away from me. He thought I was sleeping at first. I didn't stop him from…”
Dimitri's face was still stone.
“...taking care of himself. I didn't touch him, but I encouraged him to finish. So.” He sighed, putting his face in his hands. Still not looking up in case Dimitri hadn't emoted. “It was intentional. He knows that I love him. He figured it out after we spent the day together yesterday.”
“You’re saying you cheated on me. With Felix.” Dimitri then rubbed at his chin as if in deep thought. “And that it had taken him until just before then to figure out that you have been in love with him since we were young.”
“He's not the best with his emotions, either. You know that.”
“Why are you crying? Sylvain, you know you cannot hide that from me.” He sighed, tapping at Sylvain's head as softly as he possibly could. Usually Dimitri would have been more consoling but he couldn't hide his mixed emotions. “Explain to me how it is cheating if we've already established he may join us at any time.”
“Because he's not going to want to be with you any time soon? Because he got off with me whispering in his ear while you were forced to eat... hospital eggs and stale toast?” He looked up at him, eyes puffy but not obvious if one wasn't looking. “Because it wasn't right.”
“I admit the timing has me upset but I must remind you again that we had an agreement.” Dimitri didn't seem to find it strange he was the one comforting Sylvain. “He is dealing with a great amount of pain. I know that you use… Ah, you have always used physicality as a way to ease your own woes. I am not at all surprised that something happened between the two of you.”
“That makes me a shitty boyfriend, Dimitri.”
“I saw one of my dearest friends - one of which I also have feelings for, remember - as a demon and had every intention of ripping him limb from limb. Someone you have been desperately in love with yet keeping yourself from for years.” He spoke of it like he'd said that first bit aloud a thousand times; with his recent itinerary, maybe he did. “You know this fact and still choose to come in for as long as they allow you every day. You still try to make my day brighter.”
“That has nothing to do with -”
“I wasn't finished. You have seen me slip time and time again. You know I have the ability to slaughter everyone in this building. You know that I could reach out and collect the heart from your chest with little effort if I craved it badly enough. I have crushed a man’s skull in one hand, and I could do it again if I tried.” He let his features soften, finally allowed his feelings to be visible. A million emotions were pulling at his face, but none was more apparent than the morbid unease for how simple it would be to hurt those around him. “Does that not make me a questionable partner? Yet you trust me. I know you are afraid sometimes. Still, I know you have so much faith in me that I could be back in this hospital a million times and you would still hang onto hope that I would one day get better.”
“That won't happen, Mitya. This wasn't a slip like before.”
“I know. But if it was, I know you would return.” He placed a hand on the table and turned it over in a silent plea for Sylvain’s. He was answered. “Allow me to trust you, too. Even though you could have never said a thing or told yourself it was nothing because you did not touch him - you gave me the truth when I asked. If it were anyone else I suppose I would ask you to leave, but this is almost silly.”
“You're not going to get rid of me over this?”
“I asked you to take care of him. I understand you were only doing as you were told.” Dimitri tightened his grip a tiny bit and hoped it wouldn't hurt. It didn't. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Dimitri.”
“Do not hold yourself back on my account. I wish for your happiness.”
Sylvain screwed up his face a bit as he searched Dimitri's face. “You are the priority right now. Let's not focus -"
“I beg to differ.”
“What could possibly be a bigger priority?”
“I woke to Rodrigue waiting outside of my room. They were unsure if I would be aggressive when I came to. When they opened the door he rushed in.” He smiled sadly. “He waited hours for the medication to wear off. He stayed overnight. He helped me sign paperwork to get me back into a safe place.”
“He cares.”
“It means he hadn't been with his son.”
“We know Rodrigue and Felix don't do well in person, he probably thought, I don't know. That he wanted to get through it himself?”
“I came to this damn hospital because I wanted Felix to be safe. I did all of this to put myself on the path of recovery so that one day I may ask for his forgiveness. I will continue to better myself so that I may do great things in the future. I want him to be by my side when that time comes, just as I want you to be there.” He squeezed Sylvain's hand again. “I realize now I haven't ever told him that. And I see how little he must think he means. Especially when, in his mind, I have stolen everything from him.”
“What does that have to do with Rodrigue?”
“If I am able to see it, you are.”
“…You’re saying Rodrigue’s prioritizing you over Felix.”
A nod. “He always has. Everyone has. But not you. You are the only one who sees us as equal, and that is why I can trust you with this.”
“We're all worried about you. That's all it is, we know how sensitive your situation is and we want to make sure you're taken care of. Felix is everyone’s priority, his lashing out just isn’t above you needing literal hospitalization.”
“I understand your concern. But you may be the only one to reach out to him whenever I am in the picture at all.” He shook his head sadly. “Rodrigue is Felix’s only immediate family. I’ve kept his attention away since my return.”
“That’s out of your control. You haven’t been actively trying to rip him away.”
“Even if I have not, it’s the way it is.”
There were no more words to say on the topic. He was right. Sylvain couldn’t even argue. His time was running out, he knew he had to fill what little time they had with something more meaningful than this weighted blanket of silence. Sylvain had to stop his knee from bouncing and focus on the hand he was still holding. The two of them had already discussed their little problem with monogamy, they had already established what he did with Felix as kinda shitty but not the worst, and they’d discuss the initial incident that left him here at length later.
Somehow, they had nothing left to say until time was up. Sylvain did not move until he was reminded by the announcement over the intercom, and the couple both bowed their heads. Dimitri didn’t want to be alone. Sylvain didn’t want to leave him.
“I'll be back tomorrow, I promise.”
“I know you will be.”
“Only a few more days, right?”
“I'd like to stay longer.” Dimitri's words fell flat.
“You do better at home, don’t you think? And you'll be with everyone.”
“...Felix will not be ready to see me yet,” he admitted. Dimitri’s worry came as a whisper but it wasn’t intended to be a secret.
Sylvain finally let go of Dimitri’s hand. “He can stay with Annette if he needs to. It'll be okay, you just… You don't look like you've been sleeping well.”
“I'm fine.” It was a little sharper than he intended but Sylvain seemed to understand. “Though I do miss my bed, and… I miss not sleeping alone.”
“Just a few days. It's going to be okay. I believe in you.”
“Sylvain?” He glanced at the clock and saw that he'd be ushered away from him if they didn't wrap this up. “Thank you for being honest with me. Though we did open our relationship up for a third… Perhaps a fourth…”
“Not right now, Mitya.” He looked around as if to make sure no one was looking, then left a soft kiss on his sadly smiling lips. “I love you. I'll be back.”
“Of course.”