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The Sun is about 149,600,000 kilometers away from Earth. In the farthest point in its orbit, our planet is around 152,095,295 kilometers away from it. In its closest approach, the Earth is about 147.5 million km away from the Sun.
I’m a few steps away from Simon Snow, and yet, he seems farther away than the heart of our system.
Snow always seemed out of reach to me. He’s always out there, brave and idiotic and heroic, bringing light to everyone around him. And I’m constantly in the shadows, clinging to the darkness. Stuck with fear, and death, and blood, and the monstrosity of it all. A hopeless, undead bloodsucker. Disgusting. Unworthy. A creep, a disgrace, a threat.
It was obvious, natural even, that golden boy Snow would only ever feel hatred towards me.
That kind of realization hurts now more than ever, with me laying in bed and staring at Simon from across the room like he’s the only thing that matters to me. And that is the truth. Simon Snow is, and always will be, the center of my universe. Everything spins around him. He’s all the life, and happiness, and warmth, and joy, and light, and love.
It’s the most excruciating thing, being in love with Snow. Everything he does draws me in – every word, every spell done wrong, every curse, every disgusting habit, the blustering, the rage, the bravery, the kindness, all of it, everything – and I’m always stepping too close. An insult, a punch, a sneer. It’s all too close. I’m too tired. I’m out of energy, and I’m crashing into him.
How can I be close enough for him to burn and still feel so far away?
I’m a few steps away from Simon Snow. I think about getting up and touching his hair. I think about running my fingers through his golden curls. I think about feeling his warmth beneath my palms – I’m a fire magician, so my hands are not only used to but crave for it.
He’s close. He’s so close. I could do that, and so much more. I could admire his moles and freckles from up close. I could kiss every centimeter of skin I’ve always wanted to kiss. I could get up, go over there, and confess my undying love for him.
It’s all madness, and I know it. This closeness, these “possibilities” – none of that is real. Simon Snow isn’t close to me, not really. But as I drift off to sleep, I don’t think of that. I think of the Sun, and fire, and Simon Snow just a few steps from me, a lighthouse tempting me to follow its light.
Simon Snow is a star, his light and his warmth always burning me. A constant reminder of the unreachableness of his nature, but also of his soothing presence.
Simon Snow is a few steps from me, and a galaxy away, and as I fall asleep listening to him breathe, I love him even more than I did yesterday.