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Hot. Damn. was the only thought left in his mind when Clarke opened the door to her apartment. He knew she was beautiful but he never got to see her like that, disheveled and in the zone but also wearing a slinky slip dress that repped his favorite band and an oversized flannel hanging off one shoulder so carelessly as her hair was falling out of the bun atop her head. That was new. That was a good new--to Bellamy--though the look on her face looked less than happy to see him. Any thought of his thesis flew out the window the moment she opened the door.
He must have looked worse than he thought since she let him in without an issue. He’d never been in the apartment without his sister, the girls shared an apartment since they were best friends. Their third roommate, Raven, moved in but hadn’t spent much time there since she moved in in August.
They worked in tandem for hours, Bellamy took over the worse-for-wear dining table, while Clarke went back to painting in the corner. They worked in silence--well, his typing and her brush strokes aside, it was silence. Until the sudden slam of the front door jolted them both into pure silence until his sister’s boisterous voice announced they were going on winter break together then stared at her brother who was sitting in the center of the apartment.
“What are you doing here?” she asked him before adding, “I mean you’re obviously invited, but you’re never here when I’m not.”
He was about to answer when he heard Clarke’s raspy voice. “He was desperate for solace and you just ruined that,” she deadpanned. “His paper is kicking his ass.”
“Thanks so much for speaking for me, Princess,” Bellamy drolled, rolling his eyes and they landed on his sister. “How are we going to afford a cabin?”
“We don’t have to, Clarke has one upstate.” Octavia smiled as she wrung her fingers. It was her tell that she was refraining from showing more excitement. Especially since she didn’t have permission to have this vacation at her friend’s cabin.
“Of course, the princess has a vacation home. I should have known.”
“Be nice or you’re uninvited,” Clarke quipped before turning to Octavia. “I just have to ask my mom for the keys. She’ll say yes, she’s only keeping it for me if I want it after college.”
“And you’re going to want it after college?” He asked as his sister squealed with excitement.
“I haven’t decided. Too many memories.”
“As per usual, the princess takes her privilege for granted.”
“Bellamy—“ Octavia warned but Clarke cut her off. “A house in the middle of nowhere, the closest town is twenty minutes away. If I’m not going to use it, why shouldn’t I sell it for a house I’d actually be able to use?”
“That’s not the point.”
“No, the point is for you to find something to hate me for. If you haven’t noticed, I work my ass off for everything I have. I’m not a legacy. I didn’t stay in Zeta Tau. I’m going for an art history degree instead of taking the easy route of med school. I’m challenging myself with something I love as opposed to something that comes too easily for me. I also work two jobs so maybe you could cut me some slack since I don’t have my mother’s support like you seem to think.”
Before Bellamy could say anything, Clarke was out the door. As the guilt set in just from her words alone, Octavia decided to yell at him for being an asshole to her best friend.
Through the grapevine, Bellamy heard that Clarke got the keys to the cabin from her mother over the Thanksgiving weekend.
When she came back, she avoided him like the plague. He knew she was stubborn—he was too—he at least tried though. He’d sit across from her in the library to be friendly but she’d finish the paragraph she was working on then packed up and left without even looking at him. He’d go grab some food at the diner or a beer after a long week at the bar, both of which she worked at and she’d be cordial but not acknowledge that she knew him as more than a customer. He missed their banter, but he was too stubborn to be the one that caved first.
Bellamy was sitting at a high top at Clarke’s bar the night before everyone had to really buckle down for finals. Clarke was working, her cleavage was out of control and her denim skirt was riding up a little too high when she reached for clean glasses on a higher shelf. (He tried looking away, he really tried.) Bree was trying her hardest to keep his attention, her little outfit would usually work—it had in the past—but Bellamy was more focused on getting Clarke to talk to him again. They weren’t close, but he liked the rapport that they had. If someone were to ask him later what Bree was talking to him about, he wouldn’t have been able to tell them.
Finals came and went and Octavia told Bellamy that since Clarke was done with her finals two days before everyone else that they should go prepare for the rest of them. He jumped at the chance to make things right with Clarke. When the morning came, Bellamy showed up at his sister’s apartment at 11:45 to pick up Clarke and head out by noon. She threw her suitcase in the backseat before sitting in the passenger’s seat and curled up playing a game on her phone, muttering something about getting on 84 West.
Bellamy said goodbye to his sister and told Lincoln to drive safe since there was a snowstorm scheduled for the next night but the roads should be fine by the time they head up. Once they were on 84 West, Clarke grabbed Bellamy’s phone, typing his passcode in with ease before typing the cabin’s address into maps before turning in her seat and falling asleep. Finals must have really kicked her ass this semester.
Two hours of driving next to a sleeping Clarke made Bellamy think about the last two and a half years of his life with her in it. He could pinpoint the exact moment he first saw her. It was at his fraternity’s first party with Zeta Tau, three weeks into the semester and he caught her looking at him from across the room. She had her hair pulled back and this blue dress that somehow brought attention to how blue her eyes were, even at a distance with the stupid techno lights that Mbege bought. He tried finding her after getting out of Echo’s clutches but she was nowhere to be found.
He found out her name through his sister five days later--the two girls became best friends during Rush Week. From that moment on the rumors of Clarke Griffin and Bellamy Blake only got crazier. Their initial meeting ended in a huge fight that was the talk of campus for the next three days. Whenever they saw each other since, whether it was in the quad or in a lecture hall, or even a coffee shop, they’d have little quips or exchange some witty banter in the library when they noticed each other and that was that.
The main issue was their proximity. If Octavia didn’t befriend Clarke then they wouldn’t grind each other’s gears quite so often, fueling the rumor mill even more. It didn’t help that they flirted when they were drunk, though they also fought like there was no tomorrow while drunk… and sober.
Bellamy stared at the large log cabin for a minute after pulling into the driveway, the GPS voice announcing they have arrived barely louder than the engine. He put the truck in park and nudged Clarke’s knee. “Hey princess, I’d carry you inside but I don’t know where the keys are.”
He watched her blink, then her eyes landed on the cabin over his shoulder before a flash of something hit her and she looked away.
“I figured some people wouldn’t mind doubling up, Raven and I will share. Monty and Harper, Octavia and Lincoln… Miller and Jasper would have to toss a coin as to who will share with you.”
“Oh, I’m lucky enough to get a bedroom?”
She shrugged. “You’re here first.”
“Jasper always sleeps better on the couch, it’s a known fact so it’s Miller for me.”
Clarke nodded.
“You’re stalling.”
“I haven’t been here since my dad was diagnosed, do you blame me for not wanting to go inside?”
“Why didn’t you say anything? You could have said no.”
Clarke scoffed. “It’s Octavia, she doesn’t take no for an answer.”
“True. Think about it this way, your friends love you and we’re going to make sure that you make more good memories to outweigh the bad.”
Her eyes shot up to his with mischief written all over her face. “Did Bellamy Blake just say he loves me?”
Did he? ...no. No.
“No, I said we’re friends.”
“And then you said my friends love me.”
“Well, right now I take it back and I hate you for stalling .”
She rolled her eyes. “And there’s the Bellamy I know.”
“So let’s go inside and face your demons head on.”
Clarke sighed and got out of the truck. Bellamy watched her yank her suitcase out of the back seat before heading up the stairs. He followed suit, walking into the house right after her and she pointed up the stairs before disappearing into a room behind the kitchen. He headed upstairs and picked one of the bedrooms with two twin beds, he smiled thinking that maybe Clarke had some friends she brought here over the years and that’s why there were so many spare rooms.
He dragged her to the grocery store a half hour later, hearing her mumble something about Chinese take out as she got in the car. He vaguely made a list of all the ingredients of their friends' favorite meals and divided it in half, giving one to Clarke and leaving the produce and meats for himself to grab.
After grabbing his half of the list, Bellamy went searching for Clarke, finding her staring at a box of off brand Cheerios. He took her list and grabbed everything, having her follow along. He wondered if this was some sort of PTSD, he didn’t know her story or what exactly happened with her father that made her not come to the cabin for eight years.
Later when he was cooking dinner, Clarke sat at the island with an untouched glass of pinot in her hand that she spun absentmindedly.
“You’re quieter than usual,” he stated as he cooked dinner. He had a tendency to sequester himself in the kitchen and take over whatever cooking was being done. His friends thought it meant that he loved cooking, but he just didn’t want to join the political discourse they always had.
“I have nothing to say,” she responded, turning her wine glass in her hand.
“That’s a first.”
“Shut up, Bellamy!’ she exclaimed. “God, do you have to make everything so god damned personal? This isn’t about you, this isn’t about me! This is about Octavia always getting what she wants regardless of what everyone else needs. Being here is difficult enough, I don’t need you breathing down my neck about not talking to you for fifteen minutes.”
“It’s been two hours. You came in from the grocery store and sat there as I stocked the whole kitchen with food for the next few weeks. I opened the Pinot to let it breathe and you poured yourself a glass and have just been sitting there for an hour. I wasn’t attacking you, I’m just concerned.”
“Well, it’s not your job to worry about me.” Clarke stood and with her wine glass in hand, she headed out on the back deck. He watched her through the window as she sat in an Adirondack chair and just looked out over the frozen lake.
He ate the carne asada he was cooking and then he paced. Should he tell her that dinner was ready? Was she even hungry? Did she want Chinese that badly that she wouldn’t want the carne asada he made? He bit the bullet an hour after eating and brought a blanket out to her and draped it over her. He told her that dinner was ready and he left a plate for her inside.
She nodded as she continued to stare out through the trees to the frozen lake below. Bellamy headed back inside and threw another log on the fire before changing into sweats. He grabbed a book and read by the fire and he didn’t know how long he was there before Clarke came inside.
She walked into the kitchen and he heard the clinking of glass on the counter before she came into the living room and sat on the floor right in front of the fire.
“Clarke…”
“I’m fine.” Her voice was hoarse.
“You’re not.”
“What do you care? I had a father who loved me and brought more joy to my life than I knew what to do with. I have no right to complain to someone who never had that.”
“No, but you are allowed to mourn. I may not have had as great a loss as yours or a father who was in my life, but I know loss. Hell, you don’t need to talk to me but Octavia knows loss too and you should talk to her about what you’re going through.”
“I’m not going to force guilt on her with the weight of this, that’s not what friends do.”
“No, real friends don’t put their friends in this shitty situation to begin with.”
“Don’t worry about me, Bellamy. I’ll talk to Raven.”
He didn’t say anything, just sighed before going back to his book while keeping a watchful eye on her as he turned the page.
He didn’t know where he stood with Clarke. Were they friends? Did she just tolerate him because their friends were friends and it was a means to an end and if so, what was the end?
He convinced her to eat something a little later on, he reheated her plate and watched her eat it. She rolled her eyes at him with every bite and he knew she was only doing it to appease him. An hour after she finished eating she went to bed. Bellamy stayed up and read, he kept the fire going. He must have fallen asleep because he heard a scream from Clarke’s room and jolted awake before bolting to her room to find her tossing and turning with a nightmare.
He ran to her side and held her, feeling her jolt in his arms. Once she was breathing normally she thanked him.
“You’re not the only one who gets nightmares,” he admitted softly.
Clarke nodded. “Thanks.”
“Of course. Do you want me to stay?”
“No, I’ll be fine.”
“I can’t sleep so I’ll be in the living room if you don’t want to be alone in here.”
“Okay.”
Bellamy unraveled himself from her and got out of her bed. He was halfway to the door when she spoke.
“Is the fire still going?”
“Embers, I was going to throw a few logs on.”
Clarke nodded. “Thanks.”
“It’ll be warmer in the living room.”
“I can’t sleep when it’s too hot so I’ll be fine. Thank you, Bellamy.”
He nodded and closed her door over as he left. He threw a log on the fire and noticed the pile was low and he’d rather go get more before the storm hit in the morning so he went out onto the porch and grabbed an arm full of logs before locking the front door back up. When he walked back into the house, he found Clarke curled up on the couch with a pile of blankets.
He chuckled and shook his head before grabbing his book and headed upstairs. He worried about her, he cared , and though that wasn’t a new revelation to him. He knew she wouldn’t understand, they’ve been at each other’s throats since their initial meeting. No matter what he tried, he couldn’t get her to see that he cared about her.
The next morning, Bellamy went downstairs to find Clarke still asleep on the couch but the fire was stoked. He headed into the kitchen and made some pour over coffee, it wasn’t his top choice after working in a café to get through college but it was what they had so he was making it.
Clarke shuffled in just after the kettle whistled as Bellamy poured the boiling water over the coffee grounds.
She moaned. “Coffee.”
“It’s pour over so it’s going to be a few minutes. How’d you sleep?”
“Better once I moved out on the couch. I didn’t mean to kick you out.”
“You didn’t. I headed up when I was falling asleep reading.”
“Must not be a good book.”
“On the contrary. I’ll let you read it when I’m done.”
Her eyes lifted from the steeping coffee to his eyes before she smiled softly and nodded. “I’d like that.”
The coffee finished a moment later and Bellamy poured them both a cup. He watched Clarke doctor it with a pound of sugar before taking a sip, she didn’t even stir the sugar in. She audibly moaned and Bellamy swallowed and took a sip of his own black coffee.
“What are you planning on doing today before the storm hits?” he asked, trying to distract himself.
“I know my mom had someone come in and clean the place so I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe sketch.” She shrugged.
“I’m probably going to chop some more wood. Miller and I will likely be doing it more throughout our time here.”
Clarke nodded. “Thank you.”
“It’s a completely selfish move, sometimes you guys annoy me too much and I’m going to need some space.”
She laughed. “Fair enough.”
The whole day while he was outside chopping firewood, he caught her watching him through the window. He wasn’t sure if she was watching him because she was afraid he was going to hurt himself and she was going to have to take someone else to the hospital or because she was trying to escape the memories of her past.
He went back inside around one and reheated the leftover soup she had for lunch. She was sitting in front of the fire reading in her iPad, something Bellamy vehemently disapproved of, but to each their own. He sat across from her—in the chair he sat in last night—and ate his soup as she read. She didn’t even look up at him once the whole time he ate and got warmed up again.
He went back out and once the sun set and it was too dark to chop wood, he went back inside for the night. He first checked to see if Clarke started on dinner and when she didn’t, he quickly put something together and threw it into the oven to cook while he showered.
After showering he made them both plates and set Clarke’s on the coffee table in front of her and she looked up at him for the first time.
“I’m… allergic to mushrooms.”
“I know.”
“Doesn’t…”
“Not this time. I learned from the trip to the hospital.”
He thought he might have caught her bite back a smirk but it quickly disappeared as she grabbed the plate and tentatively took a bite of the casserole.
“I liked it better with the taste of the mushrooms.”
“No one is going to the hospital, okay? I’ll stop them all from having any fun just to prevent that.”
“You can’t protect us all at the same time. I’ll eat a mushroom, or Raven’s hip will give out, or Jasper will need to get his stomach pumped… again. You can’t stop accidents from happening.”
“No, but I can damn well try.”
Clarke looked back down at her plate of food, pushing it around with her fork. “You don’t have to take care of me.”
“Too bad. You’re my family, Clarke. Whether you like it or not, you are,” he said with finality. He wanted to tell her how he really felt but with how she’s been the last few days, he wasn’t sure how she would handle it.
She didn’t say anything, just turned her head to the fire and stared at it, letting her food get cold in her lap.
It started snowing later and harder than expected. It was like a blizzard when Bellamy looked out the window while he cleaned up the dishes.
He knew she was still angry with him, but this was more than that, the person in this cabin with him wasn’t the Clarke he knew and snarled at, she was a shell of that person and Bellamy didn’t know how to handle it.
He went up to his room, letting her have some space in the living room and checked his phone for the first time that day.
You’re scaring her, his sister texted simply and he grimaced. He was scaring Clarke? He didn’t know who she was and yet he’s the one that’s scaring her and not the other way around.
Bellamy: 🙄 she’s the one acting weird
O: What does weird mean in your context? She’s not snapping back at your asshole remarks?
Bellamy: Surprisingly, I’m not being an asshole. She’s… I don’t know, it’s not something I could easily explain. She’s acting like I did after mom?
He should expand on the situation more;
Bellamy: Granted, we’re not close so the fact that you sent us up here alone together is weird in the first place but this isn’t any version of Clark em me that I’ve dealt with before and I don’t know what to do. Just clarifying: I'M NOT BEING AN ASSHOLE.
It took a minute before Bellamy saw the three little dots appear notifying him that his sister was responding.
O: Are you sure?
Bellamy: Yes. All I’ve done is cook and chop wood, there’s not a lot of time for me to be an asshole. She’s mourning her dad, she’s having flashbacks of finding him on the floor here. She’s in a bad place and you shouldn’t have forced her into this.
O: How was I supposed to know any of that? She always talked about the cabin like it was the best place in the world!
Bellamy: And then one memory ruined it for her. You of all people should know that with Dad.
Octavia didn’t respond to that. Yeah, it was a low blow but she shouldn’t walk around thinking she’s the only one with trauma from her past.
Lincoln texted twenty minutes later as Bellamy was reading his book.
Lincoln: We’re planning on heading up around 11, should be there by 1 if all goes well. What did you guys just argue about?
Bellamy: Sounds good. Wasn’t an argument, just reminding her that she’s not the only person with trauma.
Lincoln: Okay, I’m staying out of that.
Bellamy woke up to a distant screaming. He jumped out of bed and ran down the stairs to Clarke’s room and threw the door open. He didn’t care about anything but Clarke in that moment. He wrapped her up in his arms and hushed her as she fought against him.
“Thank you,” she huffed, out of breath.
“Of course. O and I both had night terrors for a while so I know how it feels. Some nights they were so bad we slept in our mom’s bed.”
“It’s just… I can’t get used to being here without him. I walk into the kitchen and expect to see him or I hear him say my name and it’ll be you or I’ll be completely alone. I know it’s me, I know I’m haunting myself but I can’t get used to it.”
“Everyone’s going to be here tomorrow, you’re going to have chaos all around you and you’re not going to have time to think about your dad. You’re going to have crazy memories instead and you’re going to love it and hate it.”
Clarke huffed into his shoulder and pulled away from him. “It’s like you’re a time traveler and have fucked up this conversation a couple times and now know just what to say to calm me down. We don’t even like each other.”
“I don’t not like you, Clarke. You make it difficult to get to know you so when you do let something slip around me, I like it.”
“What have I let slip?”
“Green’s your favorite color. Your dad used to sing Baby Blue to you even though both of you hate country music. You haven’t talked to Wells in two years and you’re afraid he’s not going to talk to you if you do reach out.”
She scowled, crossing her arms. “Raven told you that one, I don’t talk about Wells unless it’s just the two of us.”
“She didn’t tell me. It was his birthday and she asked you if you reached out and you said it'd been too long. I walked into the kitchen and interrupted you two. I didn’t pay enough attention at that moment but it was back in September.”
She nodded through her yawn, covering her mouth and it was really cute. (He’s too far gone, it’s ridiculous.)
“I’ll let you get back to sleep.” He started getting off the bed when her hand grabbed his wrist.
“Stay.” Their eyes locked and Bellamy recognized the panic after her statement. “Just—just until I fall asleep.”
“Okay.”
She released his wrist and they just stared at each other for a minute before he stood and headed to the other side of the bed. He laid on top of the covers, mostly leaning against the headboard to keep himself awake.
“Would you tell me something? Something no one else knows,” she whispered after a minute.
“I talk to my dad.”
“What?”
“He found me two years ago and I’ve been talking with him. I haven’t seen him and Octavia doesn’t know. She’d be furious.”
“Beyond. Do you want to meet him?”
“Kind of. He heard that my mom died and he lives in Cincinnati. I told him about O and he’d like to meet her too. I just don’t know how to tell her I’m going to Cincinnati without her freaking out or asking too many questions.”
“She’s going to regardless. You two have such a strong bond and you’re both overly protective of the other. It’s both endearing and off putting.”
Bellamy scoffed. “What about you? What’s something about you that no one else knows?”
“I don’t hate Bellamy Blake.”
“Shit! Yeah? You let him know that and he’s going to get a big head.”
“God knows we can’t let that happen.”
“You’re stalling going back to sleep,” he noted.
“I’m afraid I’ll have a nightmare again.”
“I could… stay? Grab a blanket from my room and wake you up if you do have another nightmare.”
“I have spare blankets in the closet. You don’t mind?”
“Not for the girl that doesn’t hate me.”
She laughed. “God, that sounds terrible. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know how you meant it, I just like giving you a hard time.” He was going to say tease but he just got her to stop hating him, he didn’t want to push too hard.
“Are you going to grab a blanket or stare at me all night, keeping us both awake?”
“I’ll throw a log on the fire then getting a blanket, okay?”
“Even better.”
Bellamy scoffed and stood, hating how cold he was without her. Fuck, he’s so gone. He went out to the living room and threw a log on the kindling fire before going back to Clarke’s room and grabbed a blanket. When he settled in the bed, Clarke was already asleep.
He woke up tangled with Clarke. Exaggeration, he woke up with her curled against his chest and his arms around her. It was something he’s wanted for a long time, longer than he cared to admit, but this wasn’t the reason he was hoping for when she was cuddling him.
Maneuvering out from under her, Bellamy went out to the kitchen and made coffee. He was standing out on the back deck with his second cup in hand by the time Clarke came out with her first.
“Did you sleep okay?”
“Yeah. No nightmares?”
“None. Thank you,” she said, looking at the chipped blue mug in her grasp.
“That your dad’s?”
“Father’s Day present. I was two so I didn’t pick it out, but yeah. Best Medical Engineer. ”
“Was he?”
“Close. He was always being scouted. We went to a lot of dinner parties over the years and he somehow always stayed at Ark. The only one he really contemplated was NASA when I was thirteen. We spent two weeks in Houston looking into everything and then Ark offered him more, I guess.”
“Your dad was going to work for NASA? That’s badass!”
“And we stayed in Pennsylvania for the money. I don’t know, I think I’d rather say I work at NASA than have a higher paycheck.”
“Coming from a household with very low income, I’d go with the money.”
“Shit, I’m sorry.”
“No, I see both sides, being able to say ‘I work at NASA’ would be amazing, but if the payout isn’t worth it than I’d rather have the job with the better salary.”
“It’s just the privilege in me, I guess,” she shrugged.
“I didn’t mean—“
“I know. Doesn’t mean you’re wrong.”
“Clarke…”
Her phone rang, some obnoxious song that was definitely Octavia’s ringtone.
“Hey,” she answered her phone before heading back inside. “No, we’re good. We haven’t fought… I’m not lying to spare your feelings.” Clarke turned and looked at him with an eye roll before she closed the door.
Bellamy bit back a smirk, he knew his sister was a piece of work, but that being her first question was ridiculous.
After ten more minutes outside, Bellamy was out of coffee and beginning to freeze so he headed in and threw a log on the fire before going upstairs to shower. He vaguely heard her laugh from her room after his shower as he settled back into the chair with his book. He’d finally gotten back into it from the night before when she came out, her hair freshly washed as she sat across from him on the couch with nothing to entertain her and she just stared at him.
“Can I help you, Princess?”
“One of the roads is closed and they have to take a two hour detour so they’re going to be later than planned. They want to pick up pizza on their way here for dinner.”
“You already agreed to it so why are you telling me like I have an option?”
“I was hoping that you could make those brownies you made for the end of the year black out bash.”
He laughed. “Is that what they’ve been calling it?”
“I mean, we all blacked out, didn’t we?”
His mind shot to her sitting in his lap on the too packed Uber ride back across campus the night in question. He probably was the only one somewhat sober. “Yeah, we were all three sheets to the wind.”
“You remember more than you’re letting on, aren’t you?”
“You remember my brownies!”
“I wasn’t drunk when I had them. What do you remember?”
“Nothing. When are they going to arrive?”
“Around six.”
“Lincoln said they were heading up at eleven.”
“Something with Jasper.” She shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“They’re taking two cars, right? Who’s all going in the other car and why aren’t they heading up already?”
“Miller, Raven, Monty and Harper. Since it’s Monty, they’re waiting on Jasper.”
“Fuck. Okay, I’ll probably get started on the brownies around three. I’m a little sore after chopping all that wood yesterday.”
“We had enough already.”
“I know, but just in case you decide to come back here and need more firewood, you’ll have it.”
“And the bonfire Octavia’s likely going to want at some point in the next few weeks.”
“Yeah, that too. You like Lincoln, right?”
“I like Lincoln for Octavia.”
“That’s what I meant. You spend more time with them. He’s good for her?”
“Yes. You’re going to witness it first hand. Why would you think he wasn’t good for her?”
“I don’t know. I guess I just miss her needing me.”
“Self awareness is sexy,” she quipped. “Seriously, it’s good that you know that and you’re respecting her and him by giving them space. He adores her.”
“I’m glad. She deserves it.”
“Is that what the last two nights have been? You being needed?”
He froze. She just asked that. Fuck… “Uh, yeah? I’m sorry…”
“No. Don’t be. I did need you. I may not have known it or be willing to admit it ever again, but I appreciated it. Thank you, again.”
“You’re welcome. If, um, if you need me again, just text me or something…”
“I might take you up on that.”
He nodded, uncertain what to say next because she just said she needed him and appreciated him and his mind was reeling and it was all too much and not nearly enough.
As promised, he made the brownies, Clarke sat on the counter watching him and singing along to the song on the radio. He begged her not to put on a Christmas station so it was some eighties and nineties pop mixture that they were both raised on.
“And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think?” she sang and Bellamy tried not laughing. Alanis always made everyone sing along and Clarke was no different and Bellamy couldn’t stop smiling.
“You’re in a good mood,” he said as he washed the dishes.
“I have good friends that give me reasons to be happy.”
“Does one of these friends make amazing brownies?”
She laughed, shaking her head. “Ego.”
Bellamy smiled. “You just called us friends.”
“Don’t let it go to your head. You’re still a jackass ninety percent of the time.”
He rolled his eyes and flicked water at her before finishing the dishes.
“See!”
“That wasn’t being an asshole, that was a playful, retaliatory flick of water for being called an asshole.”
Clarke rolled her eyes. “I’m going to change before they get here. Will you save me some frosting?”
“You’ll have it on your brownie.”
“And I’ll have some before then if you save me some frosting.”
“Fine. You better have a really good dentist.”
“Only the best for the princess.” She winked and practically pranced out of the kitchen.
The moment everyone arrived, the whole place went from a serine paradise to a rowdy New Orleans bar during Mardi Gras. Jasper already ate half a pie of pizza and was itching for some of Monty’s apple pie moonshine. The rest of them were content with a few slices of pizza and a bottle of beer.
Bellamy kept his eye on Clarke, making sure she was okay. He knew she was anxious about having everyone at the cabin but he didn’t know what would happen if she did start to panic. Though he was nervous about tonight and how she was going to sleep and if she was going to have a nightmare and wake up the whole house with her screaming.
Their eyes locked in the middle of Raven telling the story of how one of her TAs asked her out after flirting the whole semester. Clarke’s lips were parted slightly and when Raven mentioned that he lived a half hour away from the cabin on the other side of the closest town, her eyes shot over to Raven next to her. Raven confirmed that they’re going on a date in two days and asked if it were cool if he came by and hung out if the date ended well.
After everyone ate and they let the food settle more and Bellamy had another beer, Octavia wanted to have a snowball fight before the snow melted in the small heatwave they were getting in the next few days. Pennsylvania in December was a weird time.
They made Clarke and Bellamy the captains of the teams since they stayed there the longest and Clarke immediately chose Lincoln and Bellamy chose Miller. Octavia was a package deal with Lincoln so Bellamy chose Raven and then he was stuck with Monty and Harper when Clarke chose Murphy the Jasper. The teams were well balanced but it was no wonder that the two most competitive players wound up fighting just each other the second half of the game.
He didn’t really know how it happened. One moment, she was chasing him further into the woods than he was comfortable with, throwing snowball after snowball and the next she tackled him and then they were just… staring… at each other.
Her pale complexion tinted a deep pink from the cold, he was glad he reminded everyone to wear gloves before they headed out. He tried not looking at her lips and for the most part he did though they were this bright red shade compared to their typical pink rosé shade.
He pushed a stray hair back from her face before adjusting her knit hat and he swore she leaned into him before Raven’s voice calling her name burst their bubble.
She rolled off him and stood, heading back over to their friends without a glance back at him. He followed after her back to the house and found that everyone had gone inside and that Lincoln made everyone hot cocoa and there was one waiting for him on the counter with no marshmallows or whipped cream, just how he liked it.
Clarke was sitting in her father’s chair, the one Bellamy had been sitting in the last few days. She stood when he came into the living room and let him sit, she moved over to the couch next to Raven. The night was filled with laughter and idiocy and slowly everyone went to bed and it was just Bellamy, Clarke, and Raven sitting in the living room as Jasper slept on the floor by the fire.
“Are you nervous about your date?” Clarke asked after she heard Octavia and Lincoln’s door close.
“No. I know that’s weird but I was nervous all semester so I think that now that I know he likes me, I’m good. He likes me, I like him, he’s a great kisser. It doesn’t feel like how it did with Finn, I’m not afraid he’s going to cheat on me if it ever gets as far as defining what we are.”
“She’s nervous.” Clarke smirked, looking at Bellamy.
“Raven, you talk a lot when you’re nervous. Aside from us never knowing what you’re studying, you won’t shut up before midterms and finals and can’t concentrate. Aside from all Jasper wanting to do is fuck around, none of us can focus with you talking.”
“Really? Have I mumbled during tests too? How have I not known about this?”
Clarke shrugged. “I thought you were going to get over it. Then sophomore year and now junior year… it kind of got to a point where it was too late to tell you, yet here we are.”
“She deserved to know,” Bellamy quipped back.
“I did. I’m going to go think about every nervous interaction I’ve ever had. Good night you two.” Raven stood and left, looking a little shell shocked over the new information she received about herself and Clarke stood too.
“I should try to sleep too. How long are you staying up?”
“Probably going to read a while, watch the fire and then go to bed. Probably an hour.”
She didn’t say anything but Bellamy could tell she was thinking about something. “When has it happened the last two nights?”
“Around two.”
Clarke nodded. “Maybe it won’t happen tonight.”
“It’s okay if it does. It doesn’t control you.”
She didn’t believe him. “Right. I’ll see you in the morning,” she said before following Raven into their room right down the hall.
He read another chapter of his book before he saw movement out of the corner of his eye and saw that it was Octavia coming down the stairs.
“Hey, big brother.”
“What do you want?”
“Did you finally make a move?”
“No. You said I was scaring her! Why would that incentivize me to make a move?”
“When we all came inside earlier, she said she enjoyed the last two days with you. That says a lot for Clarke... and for you.”
Bellamy sighed. “I realized what we had wasn't healthy for either of us. I changed it and she seems to be responding well. We’re good.”
“And what if it stays like this? Just two friends being friends?”
“It’s fine.”
“You’re in denial.”
“And she’s mourning! I’m not taking advantage of that!”
“Wait, she said… has she never been back here since her dad died?”
“No, she hadn’t. You forced her to do this and she snapped. You better be getting her the best Christmas present ever for making her do this for you.”
“Shit, I wouldn’t have…”
“I know. Just… if you hear her screaming tonight, I got her. I’ve done it the last two nights, I know what to do.”
“What about Raven?”
“I can handle Raven if she wakes up, she sleeps like a corpse.”
“True. I’m going to bed. I love you, Bell.”
“Love you, too, O.”
He prepped the fire for the night and headed up to change out of his jeans and flannel.
He couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t Miller’s snoring that prevented it, he was worried about Clarke. He didn’t question that at all, he knew it was because he was worried about her.
He slipped on a pair of socks and his boots before pulling his favorite worn in hoodie over his head and headed down the stairs. He peeked into her room and found her sleeping soundly so he headed out to the back deck to look up at the stars. It’s what he missed most while living in the city, not seeing the stars.
After a few minutes he heard the back door slide open and someone came up next to him, draping a blanket over his shoulders.
“Thanks.” He wasn’t surprised to find it was Clarke. He opened the blanket to pull her in under it too. She was just wearing her pajamas and Uggs.
“Have you ever wished on a shooting star?”
“More times than I can think of.”
“What did you wish for?”
“I was a kid,” he lied.
“Amuse me.”
“I don’t remember.”
“I don’t believe that for a minute.”
“My dad.”
“Well, that one came true.”
“Happiness.”
“And how’s that one going?”
“I fear it’s too far off. What about you?”
“Love. My dad. Good grades.”
Bellamy laughed at the last one. She would. “How are two out of three panning out for you?”
“Great grades. My dad’s dead. And I thought I had it with Lexa.”
“Have you been with anyone since her?”
“Haven’t been interested.”
“But you’ve been asked out…”
“Obviously.”
“And you’ve said no?”
“Not interested in the person asking.”
“But you have a type, right?”
“What? You mean like pretty boys and girls with brown hair and brooding eyes? That’s sixty percent of the world population, not exactly a type .”
“God, Finn was a pretty boy.”
Clarke chuckled but didn’t say anything. This time Bellamy’s brain didn’t overthink his last statement, he just stood there with his arm draped around Clarke in an attempt to keep them both warm.
“Did you ever think we’d wind up like this?”
“Like what?”
“Companionable?”
“Is that what this is?”
She shrugged, turning around to look at him, her eyes lingering at his lips before connecting with his own gaze down at her. “Is it not?”
“Is that what you want?” His voice dropped down an octave. He watched Clarke think for a moment, she lifted off her heels slightly, shaking her head microscopically. “What do you want?”
“This version of you… mixed with the other version of you.”
“Yeah?” He asked leaning in slightly, he wanted her to say it before doing anything with her. He wanted to know exactly what she wanted.
“I… I want to be taken care of while also being respected as my own person. I want to argue about everything and nothing and then laugh over the inane conversation. I want to be fucked but I also want to make love.”
Hot. Damn.
“Anyone in particular you want that with?”
“You’re such an idiot.” She grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him down into a kiss.
He brought her inside and made her a cup of chamomile tea as she told him about her dreams. Her memories of her and her father being left at the cabin as her mother rushed back to the city for work or her mother not showing up at all. Clarke had amazing weekends with her father, they were always great memories until the one where her father collapsed and no one was there to help her for an hour because of the snow storm.
They stayed in the living room most nights so she wouldn’t wake up everyone in the cabin. On the nights that Raven went to go see her TA, they slept in Clarke’s room.
It wasn’t until the next snow storm a few weeks later, right after Christmas where everyone figured it out. No one could find Bellamy and Clarke was sleeping later than usual so they went to wake her up only to find them curled up together. Everyone was happy for them, especially Jasper.