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Leo knew it was going to be one of those days from the moment he opened his eyes. He could feel it in the pit of his stomach, in the uncomfortable way his skin stretched over his bones, even in the very way his blood pumped through his veins. He sighed minutely, relishing in this last moment of relative ease, leaning forward he pressed a gentle kiss between Finns shoulder blades then slipped out of bed. A tender smile pulled at his lips as he looked back at Finn and Logan curled into each other breathing soft and even in their sleep.
He felt it in the shower. As if his body was caked in a dirt that wouldn’t wash off no matter how hard he scrubbed. It felt like ants were crawling under his skin and it took every ounce of self-control for him not to grab a pumice stone and try to scratch the feeling away. He knew it wouldn’t help anyway. Instead he let his body move on autopilot: shampoo, conditioner, soap, rinse, his hands moved through the motions on their own.
He felt it in the kitchen. The pungent smell of cooking food making his stomach flip and turn nauseously. Each snap and sizzle of bacon was a straight pin to his eardrums.
Just breathe, finish breakfast. It’s not that hard.
Leo took a breath, trying to exhale the feeling away. It didn’t work.
He pulled the food from the stove just as Finn and Logan made their way into the kitchen, still sleep rumpled but happy. Their voices and laughter were loud, so loud Leo felt the sounds physically brush his skin, and yet they weren’t loud at all. It was like their voices were coming through filtered, muffled by cotton stuffed in his ears.
Just breathe.
Leo closed his eyes and exhaled deeply. Suddenly every muscle in his body tensed at the feeling of a warm palm against the small of his back. Looking up he met Finns warm brown eyes wide with concern, his hand had pulled back a bit from Leo’s flinch.
“Sorry, Fish. You startled me,” Leo said blinking hard in an attempt to shake off the fog that had taken over his head.
“Its alright,” Finn replied voice soft, “I just asked if you were ok, and you didn’t seem to hear,” Finns hand was still outstretched as if he wanted to touch Leo but he was afraid that he would pull away again.
Just breath, don’t let them see you fall apart. Hold it together, it’s not that hard.
“Yeah no, I’m fine,” Leo answered, plastering what he thought was a convincing smile on his face, “just a bit spacy today.”
“Why don’t you go eat, Lo and I will clean the kitchen,” Finn said gesturing for Leo to hand him the pan he was holding.
“Thanks, Harzy,” Leo leaned down to press a kiss into his bedhead.
---
Leo felt it at the rink. The adrenaline coursing through his body keeping him alert, too alert. He could feel each strap of his pads digging into him, rubbing the skin raw and tender. He could hear the scrape of his teammate’s skates on the ice; swish, swish, swish. Constant. Rhythmic. Infuriating. The sting of the puck caught in his glove sent tingling ants running up his arm, over and over.
Swish, catch, sting, drop- again!
Swish, catch, sting, drop- more!
Swish, catch, sting, drop- don’t stop!
Swish, catch, sting, drop- another!
Swish, miss-
The puck sailed smoothly over his shoulder. Leo swallowed hard and lifted his eyes to see James’s stick poised to continue.
“Again!”
Just breathe, this is hockey. Keep it together. It’s not that hard.
Leo’s eyes were sharp, analyzing the movement of James’s stick. Swish. He knew where it would go. His body felt fluid as he moved into position in the split second between the puck leaving the tape of James’s stick and it reaching him.
Failure! Leo’s hand froze centimeters away from the puck, letting it once again sail into the goal.
“You alright Nutty?” James asked concerned skating a bit closer.
“’M fine. Again!” Leo dropped back down into his positon.
Swish.
The puck slid through the five hole.
Just breathe.
“Again!”
Swish. Miss. Breathe.
“Again!”
Swish. Miss. Breathe.
“Again!”
Failure.
---
Leo felt it in the locker room. The laughter, the noise, the movement of everyone around him was grating. Leo was a raw bundle of nerves. The slick feeling of sweat on his overheated body made him feel like he would rather peel his skin off than let the feeling linger. It was like thick heavy tar painted on his body, suffocating each pore.
Just breathe, don’t let them see it.
Smile, breath.
Laugh, breathe.
Hide it, breathe.
It’s not hard.
He was back in the shower.
Shampoo, breathe.
Conditioner, breathe.
Soap, breathe,
Rinse, breathe.
Leo was hyperventilating. His breath coming in short gasps that felt like they didn’t carry any oxygen. The water running from the shower was cold. He forgot to change the temperature. At least he wasn’t covered in sweat anymore though. He couldn’t hear the team anymore. Why couldn’t he hear them? It felt like his head was wrapped in packing foam.
Get your shit together.
Leo pulled a deep lungful of air and exhaled slowly trying desperately to ground himself. He watched as his hand turned off the frigid water but he didn’t remember telling it to do that. He wrapped himself in a towel the material felt rough on his overly sensitive body. He pulled on clothes he didn’t remember choosing.
Leo moved by muscle memory alone as the entire locker room around him turned into a blur of red and gold as his teammates got dressed and chatted with each other. They could have been speaking Korean for all he understood of their words.
“Leo?” Logan asked softly from somewhere near his side, his voice was full of love and concern.
Leo glanced up searching for Logan. With a sharp gasp he suddenly realized they were standing in the middle of their living room, and with that realization came the terrifying fact that Leo had no idea how he got there. He didn’t remember getting into Finns car. He didn’t remember the drive back. He didn’t remember any of it.
Just breathe.
He couldn’t breathe. A vice had wrapped itself around his lungs constricting his chest until it wouldn’t expand when he tried to inhale.
“Leo! Hey,” Logan said concern morphing into something closer to fear at the wide eyed panic etched into Leo’s face. “Mon Chou,” he reached out but stopped just short of touching, not wanting to startle him. Leo grabbed his hand and held on like a lifeline.
“It’s ok baby. You’re ok, just take a deep breath,” Logan said softly, Leo gasped shallowly. “With me Mon Chou, follow my breathing,” Logan took a deep audible breath then let it out slowly.
Leo tried to focus on the sound Logan’s steady breathing but suddenly his legs felt weak and he stumbled forward into his partner’s strong embrace. Logan held Leo close, tucked him securely against his chest and let him bury his face into the crook of his neck as he guided them to sit on the ground. He ran his hand soothingly up and down Leos back in time to his measured breathing.
“It’s ok, I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”
Leo’s hands tangled in Logan’s shirt. He held on so tight, he thought that if he let go his entire world would fall apart around him. Not that it wasn’t already. He could feel himself shaking apart in Logan’s arms.
“Just breathe, baby.”
Just breathe.
That’s what Leo focused on. Breathe. He focused on the steady way Logan’s chest was rising against him, the smooth motion of his hand sliding against his back, the gentle shushing noise of his exhale. Slowly he was able to pull in deeper and deeper breaths until he wasn’t gasping as much.
“There you go, just like that,” Leo felt Logan thread his hand into the soft hair at the nape of his neck, his fingers massaging the still tense muscle there. Leo felt a bit dizzy but significantly more grounded then he had before, he let his arms relax slightly around Logan until he was slumped against him rather than locked in a death grip.
Logan pressed a gentle kiss into the top of his head, “you wanna go to bed sweetheart? Be a bit more comfortable?”
Leo wasn’t sure he trusted his voice just yet so he simply nodded against Logan’s neck.
“Alright,” he kissed his head again and tightened his arms around him, “Fish?”
Finn had been standing back silently letting his heart break at the sight of Leo trembling in Logan’s arms, he hadn’t wanted to overwhelm him by trying to help. At Logan’s cue Finn moved forward to gently maneuver Leo back onto his feet.
Leo leaned into Finns touch, but his hand refused to leave Logan as if he were still afraid that letting go would bring his tenuous stability crashing down again. Finn led the three of them to their bedroom and situated Leo and Logan down on the bed. Leo immediately curled back into Logan’s chest burying his face into the soft material of his shirt. Finn ached at the sight. Normally he loved to see the two of them together, but not like this. Not when Leo was struggling so much, and there was nothing he could do to fix it.
Finn made to get up, knowing Leo would want some water when he came back to himself. He was stopped though, by a hand grabbing hold of his wrist. Looking back down, he found Leo’s baby blue eyes looking up at him.
“Don’t go,” Leo said his voice was stable and even, just unbearably sad, “please?”
“Alright. Alright sweetheart,” Finn said softly. He settled down behind Leo, he let his body press along his partners back so he was tucked secure and warm between Logan and himself.
They stayed there, together on their bed until seconds turned to minutes, then minutes into hours, and hours blurred into oblivion. Not a single one of them could say how long that oblivion lasted, with Finn and Logan pressing Leo between them, as if they could simply press his broken pieces back together with their bodies. Their steady breathing continuing to guide Leo, lulling him back into their safety.
Just breathe.
“’M’sorry,” Leo whispered, his words muffled from where he was still tucked against Logan’s chest.
“For what baby?” Finn asked pressing a soft kiss to his shoulder.
“For this-“Leo’s breath hitched as he spoke, “It’s just- it’s so stupid.”
“Non, not stupid. It’s never stupid,” Logan whispered into his hair, “whatever the reason.”
“That’s just it,” Leo’s voice cracked, “there is no reason. Sometimes I wish there was, but I- I do everything I’m supposed to. I take my medicine, I eat well and drink water, and I’m a professional athlete for fucks sake. I try so hard to make it go away. And yet, I still- I still have this feeling inside me. All the time.”
Finn and Logan had been aware of Leo’s anxiety since long before the three of them had gotten together. They spent so much time together they couldn’t help but pick up on his ticks, the little things and the big things that triggered him, they had seen him lock himself away when he began to spiral, they saw him take his medication diligently, they saw him work so very hard to hide this part of himself. It had always been an unspoken thing between them, Leo didn’t bring it up so neither did Finn or Logan, but however unspoken it didn’t stop them from aching to help their partner. This was the first time Leo had ever broken that unspoken silence.
“I’m so sorry baby,” Logan murmured, lips still pressed into Leos hair, “I wish I could fix it. Believe me if that feeling was a physical being, I would beat it to a pulp for you.”
Leo huffed a light chuckle at his words.
“But sweetheart, you don’t have to hide it from us anymore. We just want to be here for you, let us help.”
Leo took in a shaky breath, “have to- “his words were little more than a whisper spoken into Logan’s chest, “have to hide it from everyone. If I let people see it, it makes it real. If I let people see it, I- I can’t pretend that everything is alright anymore.”
Finn’s heart ached at those words, he let his arms hold Leo just a bit tighter, “Alright love. If that’s what you need. If you need to hide it away, need lock it inside you to make it easier, then that’s alright. But just remember that the second you want us to be there, to help sooth away that feeling, we’re here. Always.”
Leo felt something click into place in his heart, like he had been waiting his entire life to hear those words. To hear that someone would be there, to take care of him, to love him. Even with the horrible ugly parts of himself that he desperately tried to hide.
Leo untangled one of his arms from around Logan and reached down to where Finn had his arms wrapped around his middle, he threaded their fingers together and squeezed softly.
“I love you guys,” Leo said taking in a deep breath, inhaling their sent and letting it wash away that feeling inside him.
Just breathe.