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The song never stops.
It gets quieter sometimes, when there are other noises around, when Lan Xichen focuses on other musics, when conversations get loud enough, but it never stops.
In silence, the unending melody rises high and loud, constantly reminding him of the worst day of his life, making it near impossible to fall asleep or concentrate. Lan Xichen has barely meditated since he first awoke after the attack. He has barely slept without the help of medication as well.
The song never leaves him alone.
Lan Xichen thought, briefly, that it had gotten under control when he went to see Nie Huaisang in the Unclean Realm. It's always noisy there, there's always people shouting, sparring, chatting. There's Nie Huaisang's birds. There's even Nie Huaisang himself, who snores even if he denies it, and even that managed to cover the song, at least long enough for Lan Xichen to fall asleep.
But in the Unclean Realm there was also the shadow of Nie Mingjue everywhere Lan Xichen looked.
Lan Xichen saw his dead friend in every corner, heard his laugh, felt his presence.
After a month there, Lan Xichen could hardly even look at Nie Huaisang anymore without noticing how much he looked like his brother after all. They have the same eyes, which Lan Xichen never realised before, and though he's had little cause to see it on Nie Huaisang during his visit, they have the same smile as well.
It is unbearable, and unlike the song, Lan Xichen can do something about that.
So after Nie Huaisang and him finish preparing their plan to denounce Jin Guangyao and have him pay for his crimes, Lan Xichen goes home.
It's a mistake.
After the constant cacophony of the Unclean Realm, the silence of the Cloud Recesses is a constant torture. The song rises higher than ever, inescapable, driving him half mad. His uncle notices, of course, but cannot do anything about it.
Lan Wangji too notices, and tries to express concern on afternoon when he visits his brother in the house Lan Xichen still shares with their uncle.
It's too late for that, Lan Xichen tells him. Lan Wangji's concern was needed years ago, when a madman launched evil spirits and fierce corpses at every sect to slaughter them. Lan Wangji made his choice then, and Lan Xichen isn't about to forget that.
Lan Wangji takes in his rage with nothing more than faint sadness.
“I made choices that day,” he agrees, reaching out to take his brother's hand. “I am making choices now too.”
Lan Xichen moves his hand away before Lan Wangji can touch him. Pain flashes on his brother's face, and it must be intense indeed to show so openly, however briefly, but Lan Xichen doesn't care.
“I want to help,” Lan Wangji insists.
“You don't even know what's wrong,” Lan Xichen retorts, the song rising higher again, as it does when he's angry.
He nearly drowns in it.
It's tempting sometimes to let it submerge him, to just give in, to give up. Lan Xichen is exhausted beyond anything he thought possible and he just wants it to end. Just wants the song to leave him alone.
It won't until he's dead.
Lan Xichen has thought about that a lot lately, especially since coming back to the Cloud Recesses. Sometimes, when the melody gets too loud, he feels half ready to do whatever it takes to make it stop. Anything would be better than this song. Anything, so long as his mind can be silent again. Anything...
But he can't die. Lan Xichen is the only person to have witnessed Nie Mingjue's murder, the only person to know that cursed song. He has to last at least until justice prevails.
He can't die because Nie Huaisang will be alone again, truly alone this time, and Lan Xichen still feels sick to his bone when he remembers how the man he loves looked when he first arrived to the Unclean Realm to tell him what really happened to Nie Mingjue. Just a broken shell, much like Lan Xichen feels as well. They'll never be together the way they wanted to be, not anymore, but Lan Xichen can't abandon him either, can't make Nie Huaisang face all this alone.
But it's so hard, the song never leaves him alone.
It's so hard.
He just wants it to stop.
Lan Xichen blinks, and realises that he's started crying. Not only that, but he's no longer sitting stiffly. He's curled up on his brother's lap, clinging to him the way he used to do when he was little, when Lan Wangji was everything to him, when he still thought brothers were people one could trust.
It's rare for Lan Wangji to touch anyone. Even when they were young, Lan Xichen knew his desperate need for physical affection was in conflict with his brother's distaste for it. But Lan Wangji never once pushed him away back then, and apparently even pulled him into his arms this time.
It makes Lan Xichen sob harder, loud enough to almost hide the song.
He is so tired.
“Tell me how to help,” Lan Wangji quietly asks, petting his hair gently, pulling him closer until Lan Xichen can nearly pretend that he no longer despises his brother for his betrayal.
“You can't,” Lan Xichen sobs. “Nobody can. It's so quiet here, it's always quiet.”
“Hm. The quiet is bad?”
Lan Xichen nods weakly.
“Do you want me to play music for you?” Lan Wangji offers.
The idea is so unbearable that Lan Xichen tears himself away from his brother's tight embrace, his eyes round with terror as he shakes his head hurriedly.
It's different, of course it's different, but it's too similar as well. A brother, a calming melody...
Lan Xichen can't bear it.
Lan Wangji looks more concerned over his panicked reaction. Lan Xichen knows that when he leaves, his brother will go ask their uncle to explain to him what happened. Lan Qiren will refuse, because they've agreed that they still don't know how much they can trust Lan Wangji, not yet, not until he's proven that what he did in Nightless City was only a lapse in judgment.
It's awful to be keeping secrets from him. Lan Xichen resents him for this as well, because he misses being able to trust his own brother.
He misses being able to trust anyone at all.
After everything that has happened, Lan Xichen doesn't know how to trust anymore. Even Nie Huaisang... he almost didn't tell him about what happened that day, fearful that Nie Huaisang was part of the plot, that he'd gotten a taste for power after all. It would have contradicted everything Lan Xichen thought he knew about the other man, but in a world where Lan Wangji could leave him behind and save Wei Wuxian, where Jin Guangyao could use Lan songs to murder their little brother... Lan Xichen doesn't know what he knows anymore.
“Hm. No music,” Lan Wangji promises, reaching out for his hand again. This time, Lan Xichen allows it, too exhausted to resist. If he dared, he'd fall again into his brother's arms. He doesn't dare. “But silence bothers you?” Lan Wangji insists.
Lan Xichen nods.
“I will put you on duty with the children,” Lan Wangji offers. “The young ones. They never stay quiet.”
“I don't have the patience for them,” Lan Xichen confesses. Then, having admitted to this much, he adds. “I don't sleep well, it makes me unsuited for most duties.”
Lan Wangji doesn't insist, for which Lan Xichen is grateful. Gossip is forbidden but he's heard whispers, people saying he should be recovered now, that he's lazy for not resuming his old duties, that he's making excuses, that he's like his father, like his brother, trying to run from his obligations, trying to...
“Tomorrow, you spend the day with me,” Lan Wangji decides. “I have classes, and meetings with petitioners. There will be as much noise as can be found in the Cloud Recesses.”
“I cannot, I have to...”
“You are unwell,” Lan Wangji states in a tone that allows no objection. “You have been unwell for a long time. Until you are better, measures must be taken to help you. If silence is unbearable to you, we will find ways to avoid it.”
Against his will, Lan Xichen feels tears gathering at the corner of his eyes again which he fights to contain.
He used to wonder if Lan Wangji would hate them after his punishment. If his brother would hate him. He must have hated him all along, to chose a murderer over him.
It might have been easier if Lan Wangji did hate him, because then everything would make sense at least.
“If it is easier to you, return to Qinghe,” Lan Wangji continues. “Or go to Lanling to see your other sworn brother.”
Lan Xichen flinches. “No. No, I'm not going back there.”
“To Qinghe?” Lan Wangji asks, a visible frown on his face.
“To Lanling. Don't ask why.”
Immediately, Lan Wangji relaxes somewhat. He's never been fond of the Jins to begin with, and this whole business with Wei Wuxian didn't help. Lan Xichen feels half sure that his brother would try to help if he knew about Jin Guangyao, just to avenge Wei Wuxian.
It certainly wouldn't be to avenge Nie Mingjue, whom people say helped kill Wei Wuxian. It might be true, or it might not. Even Lan Xichen never got the truth out of him. Nie Mingjue refused to talk about that day, though he looked haunted by it sometimes, the same way Lan Xichen remains haunted by the song, by the absence of his best friend, his sworn brother.
“I don't want to go to Qinghe either,” he whispers, curling up on himself without noticing. “It's too sad now.”
“We can invite Nie Huaisang,” Lan Wangji offers. “To discuss matters that have to be handled in person.”
“I don't think he wants to see you,” Lan Xichen counters with a grimace. Nie Huaisang is many things, but he isn't forgiving.
Lan Xichen might someday let go of what happened in Nightless City, but he doubt Nie Huaisang ever will, least of all now that Nie Mingjue is dead.
“True,” Lan Wangji admits. “You would have to entertain him and lead negotiations on my behalf.”
There's a slight glint in Lan Wangji's eyes as he says that, something that Lan Xichen knows means his brother is amused. He must know, then. Lan Xichen hasn't told him about the plans he had with Nie Huaisang, and he knows Lan Qiren won't have spoken of them either... but they've both forgotten how observant he can be. After three years, they've forgotten a lot.
Lan Xichen wonders, briefly, if his brother would have noticed what Jin Guangyao was planning. It is not a train of thoughts he wants to linger on, fearing it will make him resentful again. Things happened the way they did, there's nothing to be gained in wishing to change the past.
“I don't think Nie Huaisang would accept the invitation,” Lan Xichen remarks. “He's... busy.”
“Too busy for you?”
“He has a lot to do.”
Lan Wangji's frown return, but he does not insist. Lan Xichen would not have explained anyway. For a brief moment, silence falls between them, giving the song a chance to return, haunting and taunting. It doesn't last though. Before long, Lan Wangji, who never says three words if two are enough, starts talking again, asking about Lan Xichen's day, about his duty, telling him about the rabbits. None of it is of particular interest, but Lan Wangji speaks anyway, just to keep the silence at bay.
Lan Xichen finds himself grateful for that effort, even if the song returns with a vengeance the second he is alone again.
He has lost a lot, but he might not have lost his brother after all.