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Dear Taehyun, my best friend

Let me be truthful and tell you the feelings I’ve been carrying alone. All the quiet things crossing my mind every time I see you. I hope that this won’t change anything between us; because you don’t feel the same way, and that’s okay. I am in love with you, and I’m not here to ask for your love in return. I just think you need to know that you’re so loved, for a while now.

This letter will tell you the reasons I fell in love with you.

So… let’s start?

==

What about me?

It’s a traitorous thought. One that invades Soobin’s mind unprompted, and staying like a persistent stain on his sweater. Except the words materialize into a growing stone in his chest, one that he can feel with every beating of his heart.

If anyone told you that you’re lucky to fall in love with your best friend, you might want to give them a good punch in the face.

They always make it look so beautiful, the concept of falling in love with someone you’re the most comfortable with. Soobin would agree with some of them.

Realizing that he was in love with Taehyun didn’t come like a splash of cold water or thunder ripping through the sky in the background. It is a slow, comforting process. He’s always known that he loves his best friend, it’s just growing at an alarming rate the moment he realizes he wants more. The moment he starts thinking about holding Taehyun’s hand, or kissing him good night as he drops him by his home. 

Falling in love with Kang Taehyun feels like coming home. 

It’s always been there even as he didn’t know it. A silent tickling in his chest whenever he caught Taehyun smiling at him, pointy canines and all. The warmth travels across his system and fills his head with cotton when Taehyun hugs his arm to his chest.

The way his eyes would slowly get bigger when he talks about something he is passionate about, trapping all the lights in the room until his eyes are filled with sparks. Little stars. So bright that they are the only thing Soobin can see.

And it’s just cruel, that he is not the reason for those sparks in Taehyun’s eyes. 

“… so Yeonjun hyung just showed them the receipts and boom! Those guys from computer science were silent. Honestly, why do they think that they deserve more funding just because they sometimes fix the university’s shitty wi-fi? Good thing Yeonjun hyung always destroy them.”

Soobin hums to sign that he’s listening, the moment Taehyun finally finished catching him up on the fun things that happened during the council meeting camp before semester break. Three days, and the highlights of the trip are mostly about this one senior from his department. 

He almost regrets it the moment the teasing words escaped his lips. “It’s like you have a crush on this Choi Yeonjun or something.” Because Taehyun just grows brighter. A darker shade of pink blooming on his ears.

“Maybe? There’s just something about him that draws me in. Have you seen him?”

Yes. He has seen Yeonjun. And yes, he knows just what Taehyun is talking about.

It’s hard not to fall in love with someone as perfect as the senior who has confidence exuding from every step he takes and always carries an air of someone who is sure about his life. He is everything that Soobin is not.

“Little Taehyunnie is really crushing on someone?” he feigns an incredulous gasp, earning a shove to his chest. 

What about me?

“So what if I am?” Taehyun scoffs.

What about me? I’m here. Look at me.

Soobin smiles at him, throwing an arm around Taehyun’s smaller frame to gather him closer to his side. “About time you’re going for the whole college romance experience that you’ve been mocking all your life.”

The thought is never transferred to his voice. Because even as he wonders why Taehyun is not looking at him the way he has looked at his past five crushes, he is happy that someone is bringing lights into his best friend’s life. 

It’s not the matter of Taehyun having a crush on someone else. It’s just that Taehyun never sees him more than a friend, that he is never an option in the first place.

So he can only wonder. 

==

After all, it’s enough for him as long as Taehyun is happy.

He promised himself that the first time he saw the lights go off in Taehyun’s eyes that night. His first heartbreak. They were seventeen, and they had all the time in the world. Enough to climb up the roof of Taehyun’s house and stay there for hours just to stare at the starless sky. 

Taehyun’s eyes were the mirror of the sky. All the stars stolen from the pair of eyes he loved the most.

It was the moment Soobin realized that he’d do anything to make Taehyun smile again.

When he accidentally voiced it, Taehyun only smiled and leaned his head on his shoulder. “You already make me happy, hyung. You make me the happiest.”

Soobin wondered if the other could hear his heartbeat, as it was louder than the sound of the night. It was also the day Soobin gave into the tugging in his chest that demanded him to feel . To feel for his best friend. 

It was also the day he decided that it was okay to not be the one Taehyun is in love with, as long as he could keep him by his side. 

==

“How could someone love that much? This kind of love can’t exist in reality.”

Remember how you told me this that time I made you watch a romance movie? You said it was the reason why you hate rom coms. It’s so funny because even then, I already loved you this much. 

We’re real. We could be them.

And if you just let me, I’ll show you the feeling of being loved that much, your days will become like those romcoms you hate so much.

==

In retrospect, he probably should have burned the letter. Or at least put it somewhere better than inside a book which reminds him of the very same guy he wrote the letter for.

He just didn’t know that there would come a day where Taehyun would need the book back. They shared the book for an elective literature class. A hardcover copy of Fairytales and Folklore that was too big for Taehyun’s bookshelf, so they finally ended up keeping it in Soobin’s apartment as a decoration. 

He already forgot all about the letter as well, that the only thing he said to Taehyun when he handed him the book that morning was “It’s so heavy! Your friend can keep it cause I don’t want to carry it all the way back home again.”

“Nope, it’s mine, and without this book your apartment will look even emptier.”

Just like that, he watched as Taehyun hugged the huge book to his chest and walked back to his department’s building. 

It was not until a few days later that he woke up in cold sweat at 3AM in the morning, sitting up on his bed with the memory of a letter he wrote during his lowest time. The day where he let all the yearning from three years of being in love with Kang Taehyun poured into his system, and let himself feel everything until he was drunk with both the ache and the beauty of falling in love with someone he could never have. 

He remembered folding up the letter and slipped it into the only book in the room. 

Taehyun’s book.

The book Taehyun took with him the other day. 

Taehyun

Tae

I left something in your book last time

Is there a chance I can get it back?

For like 3 seconds

Please tell me you have it

It’s 3AM, but Taehyun is the type of guy who is available for him, and that includes this time, even though he might be half asleep and unaware of Soobin’s source of mini breakdown that drains all the drowsiness from his system. He’s been pacing around his bedroom until his phone vibrates with a new message.

Obviously, I don’t. 

My friend has it.

Choi Beomgyu from Psychology .

Soobin holds his breath, waiting for another message or the three dots to show up. But it’s been five minutes, and Taehyun has probably fallen back asleep. His fingers hover above the keyboard, wondering if he could casually type something like 

hey, did you find my love letter inside haha 

or 

did you find an envelope? i swear there’s nothing inside it

Except the letter starts with “Dear Taehyun, my best friend”, and even though he doesn’t remember what he wrote, Soobin remembers just how much he poured into the writing. The raw emotions and pure feelings he has never let anyone else see.

He just hopes Beomgyu from Psychology hasn’t done his reading yet.

==

Beomgyu from Psychology is easy to find.

The visit to his department has been a futile one, as Soobin is pointed out towards the main entrance of the campus, where he could see a guy dressed in all black standing in the middle of the path. He seems busy handing out some papers to the students who walked into the campus area, sometimes met with rejections that make his smile twitch, or even blatant avoidance. 

Soobin would know, since he spends ten minutes sitting on the bench and waiting for an opening to walk over and talk to him. He didn’t get to do that, as his target beats him to it. One minute he is still talking to someone else about whatever paper he had and the next minute he is walking towards Soobin, leaving him no room to run away or act like he hasn’t been staring the whole time. 

“Am I in trouble?” he asks as soon as he stops right before him. Soobin looks up at him in confusion, trying to not show his surprise. “You’re looking for me, but it’s not for the questionnaire. You probably need something from me.”

It hits too close that Soobin can’t keep his clueless act any longer. His words coming out as a sputter. “H-how did you know?”

Making a fool of himself as a first impression. How typical of Choi Soobin. 

“Psychology students. We read minds.”

They stare at each other for a few seconds too long. The pensive look in Beomgyu’s eyes is too genuine, that Soobin almost believes him no matter how absurd the idea is. Thankfully, the younger breaks into a laugh, breaking whatever stranger-tension between them and replacing it with tinkling laughter.

“You actually believed that? I wish we’re taught that skill. Instead we are just a bunch of self-diagnosing broken post-teenagers who takes pointless surveys and give candies in return,” he says, gesturing to the stack of papers he is holding. 

“Your research papers can’t be that pointless.”

Beomgyu looks up at him, eyes lit up instantly as he brings his papers up. “Are you going to fill my survey then?”

He doesn’t mind, really, considering that he is about to ask for something embarrassing from the latter and he has to stay on his good side. Before he could affirm, however, he feels a drop of water on his cheek, followed by a drizzle of light showers washing over them.

“How did it rain so—“he is about to comment, only to be interrupted by a shriek from his side.

The shower is getting heavier, and Soobin is holding back his laughter seeing how Beomgyu is doing absolutely nothing to save his papers other than panicking. It would take a few minutes for them to reach the closest building, and the surveys he had collected with ‘blood, sweat, and tears ’ would be ruined. His words. 

Feeling bad, Soobin takes the stack of papers form his frantic hands and shoving them under his shirt before he tugs on Beomgyu’s wrist to pull him away from there.

After some more screams (“Why would it rain in summer? It’s seasonal fraud!” “You realize that rain happens a lot in summer, right?” “Seasonal fraud!”), complains (“Why am I always so unlucky? If there’s a banana peel, I’d be the one who steps on it and falls. If it’s raining, I’m always outside doing something. Do you think it’s cute people jinx?”), and a long silence as they take shelter by the bike station; Beomgyu nodding off to sleep after talking so much and Soobin staring at the water hitting the pavement while still hugging the stack of papers.

It’s only once the rain slows down into soft drizzle that he speaks again, making Beomgyu jolt up from his slanted position, with his head almost touching Soobin’s shoulder. 

“I never got to tell you my name. It’s Soobin.”

Beomgyu gives him a bored look through his sleepy eyes before he yawns. “I know.”

“More of a psychology student kind of skill?” he snorts.

“Could be. Or maybe I’ve been in like 3 parties and 2 other smaller circle hangouts where you were present.”

That comes as another surprise for him. He shoots the younger an incredulous look. Eyes widened a tad. “How come we never talked before?”

“We did. You just didn’t remember,” he exhales a long breath, gets onto his feet, and takes a step forward as he stretches his arms over his head.

The moment his sole touches the wet pavement, the sun is already back in the sky. A gentle, yellow light hit Beomgyu’s face, making his eyes narrow subtly and his nose scrunched up. And as he turns his head to announce that the rain has stopped, smiling with pure elation, Soobin wonders how he didn’t notice the boy before.

Choi Beomgyu is not someone you can just forget.

“So, what is it that you wanted to ask from me?”

Soobin soon finds out that Beomgyu’s presence is mostly unforgettable because he goes on his way to be annoying. 

The second he voices out his request, with an emphasis that he might have left something important inside the book, he sees the way the twinkles of playfulness starts filling Beomgyu’s eyes. And before he could have an uh-oh moment, his suspicion is proven right the moment the impish feature made it into the smirk on his lips. 

“If it’s so important, I think you wouldn’t mind doing me a favour too, right? 

==

“Did you find what you were looking for last night?”

The question makes Soobin freeze mid-bite. The egg tart in his hand suddenly doesn’t look as appealing anymore as he feels a twist in his guts. Thinking about the love letter while the supposed recipient is staring at him with a pair of curious eyes is unsettling. It’s as if Taehyun would be able to hear if he thinks too loudly.

“Uh, not yet. I talked to Beomgyu from psychology though,” he says, grimacing in the end as he remembers how he left abruptly upon hearing the request. 

“Beomgyu hyung? He’s nice, so he’d be able to help,” Kai chimes in. 

“You know him?”

“Huh, he was there when we went for the community outreach at the nursing home last time. Weren’t you with us?” 

“Soobin hyung was there. He just doesn’t really pay attention to people,” Taehyun says with a teasing edge on his voice, making him groan in displease. 

Even his closest friends confirmed Beomgyu’s words. That Soobin is the one at fault for not recognizing him. He wonders just how many people he has overlooked and for a moment felt guilty for them, until he got reminded about the very source of his problem. 

“Taehyunnie, before you gave him the book, did you notice anything wrong with the book?”

The blonde blinks at him, tilting his head to a side. “Nothing that I know of, I gave the book to him right away without opening it. Did something happen?”

“I might have left something inside.”

“Remember how you used to have all those books before and kept your pocket money in each one of them, only to lose them when you’d lend them to your friends? Exactly.”

Kai laughs, while Soobin just sighs in dejection, dropping his egg tart back into its box. 

“Now you know why I don’t keep books at my place!” he says in defense. 

With a shake of his head, Taehyun gives him a sympathizing look. “What is it anyway? I’ll drop by Beomgyu hyung’s place on my way home.”

“No!” he says a little too loudly, earning a raise of an eyebrow from the younger. “You said you have something to do after class today.”

“I’m chickening out. Don’t want Yeonjun hyung to hear my shower karaoke voice.”

He did mention that he wanted to audition for the band Yeonjun is in, while denying at least five times that he’s doing it to get closer to the senior. For a split moment, Soobin considers being selfish, thinking that he could keep Taehyun away from his crush if he only said the word. After all, he’d like to think that Taehyun would prioritize him over his crush. His best friend.

His best friend. Exactly. 

Soobin can’t do that to his best friend. How can he even think of keeping his best friend all to himself? Taehyun is not his.

“It’s okay, you can go for the audition you’ve been practicing for the past few days, and I’ll grab the book from Beomgyu.”

“But—“

“It’s okay,” he repeats, getting up from his seat before the younger could object any more. 

Now he needs to find Beomgyu before Taehyun could get to him first, though he knows that Taehyun will go for the audition anyway, because he stays silent as Soobin left their seat at the cafeteria. The only one who calls out to him is Kai, asking if he could eat the discarded egg tart.

He couldn’t care less about the egg tarts.

==

I fell in love with the way you would hug my arm.

It started as a joke back then. Remember when I got lost during our beetle hunting? You said you were so scared of not seeing me again, and that you won’t forgive yourself if anything happened to me because it was your idea to go into the forest.

For some reasons it sticks, and I know that you do the same thing with your other friends too. Sometimes I want to change it. I want to be the only one who gets to hold your hand. So that someday you’d realize that oh. You can depend on me to lead you. To bring security to you. You don’t always have to be the example, or take the lead. 

Breathe and let me protect you for once.

==

“Whatever you kept in that book, it must be so important,” Beomgyu says when he spots Soobin by the entrance of the psychology building. The playfulness on his visage is masking whatever incredulous hint present on his face the moment their gazes were locked for the first time. 

“You don’t even know if what I’m looking for is still inside. What if it’s not there?”

Beomgyu shrugs, nonchalant. “Not my problem. I could check for you first, though. But the price might go up based on how important I think the item is.”

The male walks away first after dropping that, leaving Soobin behind to proceed with what he’s saying. “No!” he exclaims once he realizes that by finding the latter, it comes with the possibility of Beomgyu reading the content of the letter. 

Based on his judgement on Beomgyu after knowing him today alone, he just knows that the younger won’t let him off so easily if he finds out about Soobin’s crush on his best friend. 

“I’ll help you and get the book today.”

The smile on Beomgyu’s face is an irritating one, but he swallows his pride this time.

They found their way to Hongdae, which is always filled with people. 

It’s not Soobin’s favourite place when he is not here for the cafes or restaurant, mainly because he can’t handle the crowd. Today, as if the universe is mocking him, the place is filled with even more people. 

“There’s a famous idol shooting nearby, can’t we just come another day?” he whines, tugging on the sleeve of Beomgyu’s jacket as the male keeps advancing into the busy street.

“Nope! Tomorrow’s the last day of my internship before the holiday, so I have to give the presents.”

“You don’t even need me to pick presents!”

“I can’t hear you,” Beomgyu says with a laugh as he turns around a corner of the street, and Soobin almost lost him as he lags behind. 

They spent a while scanning the stores and the stalls for whatever Beomgyu’s looking for, and Soobin feels his energy slowly drains off, making him walk even slower that the younger has to stop several times to let him catch up. 

After a particular event where they’re actually separated for a whole five minutes as Soobin lost view of the top of Beomgyu’s fluffy hair among these people, he’s faced by an irritated Beomgyu who marches back towards him.

“I thought you bailed on me!” 

He rolls his eyes. “I almost got lost and that’s what you’re worried about?”

“You won’t really get lost since you’re taller than everyone here. Why are you so slow anyway?”

“There are too many people—“

“Let’s go,” Beomgyu interrupts him. But it’s not his words that made Soobin stop mid-sentence. It’s the hand tightly clasped around his own, tugging him forward and leading him through the openings between people as they walk further into the shopping area. 

“I’m the taller one, I should be worried of losing you instead,” he tries complaining again a moment later, only to have Beomgyu’s hand tightening around his own, shutting him up right away even before his words do. 

“Shut up.”

The way Beomgyu holds his hand is a demanding one, yet it also gives him a sense of protection. A hold laced with a promise to never let go, never letting him get lost among these people. 

The fact that this guy has just barely graduated from the stranger title to him does not deter the fact that his hand gives him warmth and familiarity that help him deal with walking through the crowd better, that being around so many people don’t seem to drain him as much when he’s focusing on the comfort given by their locked hands. It’s almost like they’ve known each other forever.

“I can’t believe I took a five years old with me out shopping,” Beomgyu says at one point, and he can’t even feel offended.

It’s only once the sun sets that Beomgyu is satisfied with his shopping. 

Soobin is back to complaining, even though there are less people around now. He has to hug the paper bags in one hand while Beomgyu still holds his other one. None of them bothers to let go until they get to Beomgyu’s apartment. It’s him who lets go first, and only now that Soobin realizes his hand is cramped from holding the heavy load on one side.

“I feel like I’ve just done shopping with my significant other. You don’t even consider my choices, since you only need me to carry your stuff,” he says impassively as he watches Beomgyu punches in his password.

“Well then let’s just say that I hired you as my significant other for the day since your choices sucked.”

“Hey!”

At least Beomgyu has the decency to let him into his cool, air conditioned place and give him a glass of cold water to drink after the agonizing hours of shopping. He sips on his iced water while watching the owner of the place arrange the items he bought earlier. 

Beomgyu has been doing internship teaching at a kindergarten and he bought some items as a farewell souvenir for the kids. “Not like I got attached to them, they’ve just been crying for me to not leave, so I have to leave a piece of me behind,” he had said defensively when Soobin asked, which only means that he did get attached.

It’s only until a familiar hardcover book is presented to him that he remembers his initial purpose. His eyes widened as he took the book, turning around so the other won’t see what he’s taking from between the pages.

Except there is nothing to take. The letter is not there as he frantically flips through the pages, even shaking the book upside down to see if the letter would slip off. 

None. 

“It’s not here,” he frowns as he turns back around to look at the younger again. 

Beomgyu arches a brow, lifting his hands defensively. “Not my fault. I haven’t touched the book ever since Taehyun gave it to me. Left it to rot over there,” he signs towards the living room table, which Soobin quickly walks over to, to see if there’s any sign of the letter laying around. 

The letter is not there, and it’s not with Taehyun either. 

His love letter for Taehyun is somewhere that he doesn’t know, and he hates this feeling. The feeling of being left in the unknown, unaware of when and how he’d be discovered. The fear.

The fear of waiting until someone would find the letter and give it to Taehyun. And then Taehyun would find out about his feelings in the worst way.

He didn’t realize that he’s been kneeling on Beomgyu’s carpet for a little too long, alarmingly quiet that the owner of the place seems reluctant to bother him. Eventually he does walk over, squatting down to get on an eye level with the elder.

“I’m sorry that you did all that for nothing. Let’s just say that I owe you one, hyung.”

Soobin blinks out of his daze, registering Beomgyu’s face in front of him. He actually looks guilty that Soobin feels his chest clench with guilt. It’s not Beomgyu’s fault that he didn’t know where his letter was.

“It’s fine, Beomgyu.”

“I’ll help you find it, okay? Whatever it is.”

He just smiles at the younger who suddenly looks determined to help instead of bossing him around now. Beomgyu is a good person, and Soobin doesn’t want to take him for granted.

==

I fell in love with the way you smile.

The way your pointy canines would peek out from between your lips and your eyes crinkled up with pure happiness. You allow emotions to fill your whole being. You embrace them. It makes me want to hold your face, or at least be the reason for your smiles. 

If I could, I would take a picture of every time you smile because of me, so that I can tell everyone that I was once the reason for the sun brightening up.

==

“Are you sure nothing dropped from the book when I gave it to you last time? A slip of paper?” Soobin asks again the second he spots Taehyun the next day. It’s the last day of the semester and he has no intention of worrying throughout the whole semester break just how he had lost three hours of sleep last night from staring up at the ceiling and thinking of the worst case scenario.

Taehyun blinks up at him from where he’s sitting on the corridor floor. The phone screen’s light dims out in his hands as he takes a few seconds to register just what Soobin was talking about until it clicks. 

“Ah! That book. You still haven’t found it?”

“Nope, it’s not in the book,” he sighs, dropping onto a squat to speak more closely to the other. Though seeing the concerned lines start to form in Taehyun’s face, he quickly adds. “It’s not important anyway, just forget it.”

“You’re awfully worried about this thing for it to not be so important.”

“How’s your audition yesterday?” he asks in hope to switch the topic, watching as the bothered look dissipates from Taehyun’s face as his eyes grow rounder, filled with a newfound excitement. 

It always makes his chest warm when he’s the reason of Taehyun’s smile. If only he was the sole reason. 

“It was perfect! The band members are so chill and Yeonjun hyung said my voice would go well with his, so there’s that,” right. Choi Yeonjun is also in the band, and that’s probably the reason Taehyun looks so happy about getting in. “Speaking of the band, didn’t I give you the book in the band room? Maybe we dropped it there.”

Only as Taehyun throws a glance to his side that Soobin realizes that Beomgyu has been there all along, sitting next to Taehyun. It caught him off guard, that he didn’t realize someone else was there the whole time. He finds himself falling onto his butt when Beomgyu starts laughing. 

“Your face!” 

“Where did you appear from?”

Soobin is still looking at the guy with his eyes wide from surprise, not registering when Beomgyu inches forward just to shove a phone onto his face for a split second. “Candid!” he exclaims, showing him the phone screen which captures Soobin’s surprised face. The device is withdrawn before he could make a grab for it. “Your face is priceless. I’ve been here before you interrupted our important discussion about statistics and the end of the world.”

“It’s just the former,” Taehyun snorts. “Plus the end of the semester.”

“Right, so, bingsu today?” he asks, shifting his focus back to his best friend as he gets up from the floor, brushing the dust off his pants.

It’s a tradition they’ve done for years now. On the very last day of the semester just before summer break, the two of them would go out for bingsu; a tradition to welcome summer after all the exams. They’ve been doing it for a while, that it’s ingrained in Soobin’s head, and became something he’s been looking forward to since the beginning of exam week. 

It’s a shame, that Taehyun doesn’t feel the same anymore. He should’ve known that he can’t expect them to stay in childhood forever. Especially not now, knowing that Taehyun has other things that took over his place as a priority.

And it’s shown in the way Taehyun takes way too long to realize what he’s talking about. When he does, his eyes widened a tad, before they’re filled with a hint of guilt. 

The downside of having his emotions displayed raw in his visage. While Soobin loves this side of him, it’s easier to be hurt by the truth as well. 

“I need to go find Yeonjun hyung first, since I kinda promised him something yesterday,” Taehyun says. 

As much as Soobin tries to hide his disappointment, it’s really hard when the essence of it is replacing his blood, filling out his system and beating his head from inside out for being stupid. So stupid, thinking that he could have Taehyun all to himself before he flies out for his vacation. 

“It’s fine! We can always do it when you come back,” he says with a smile, praying that the other won’t notice the way his lips twitch. A betrayal.

“No no, I can sort it out now. Give me 20 mins and I’ll come find you, okay? Wait here, hyung!”

Before Soobin could object further, the blond had gotten onto his feet and ran off towards the end of the corridor. He’s left squatting on the floor, face buried in his hands. He was not a priority and he demanded to be one, how bad of a best friend can Soobin be, to pull Taehyun away from where he wants to be?

He wants Yeonjun and not him.

“So, are you just going to stay here like an idiot?”  

It’s fully his fault that he forgot the other presence, only remembering once he drops his hands and realizes that Beomgyu has been staring at him for the entirety of his mini breakdown session.

“Don’t do that! How could you be so quiet and then so loud?” he complains, heart racing from the little surprise that almost caused him to jump again. 

Beomgyu rolls his eyes. “It’s not my fault that you’re too busy looking at Taehyun to notice me.”

That makes Soobin shut up at once, lips pressed together. It alarms him that someone he knows for barely a day could point that out. How transparent is he about his feelings? Did his friends or even Taehyun ever notice?

“It’s whatever,” Beomgyu speaks again before Soobin could get out of his little moment of panic. “Wanna come to the band room? Maybe we can find your paper. I saw something on the floor the other day…”

Soobin looks up sharply, alarmed yet also full of hope, as his round eyes stare at the other with expectation. He could even feel a smile stretched upon his lips. The first sign of hope he feels today. It’s a blessing.

Except the next thing that Beomgyu does is to shove the phone towards his face again, and Soobin feels his face drop when the male shouts “candid!” before getting up. The sound of his laughter bounces in the corridor.

“It’s not funny!”

“It is! You look so happy,” he says, showing him the picture before keeping his phone out of reach once Soobin charges at him. “You can’t harm me. I have the key to the band room, if you actually wanted to check.”

“Why would you have the key?”

“Why would I have the key?” Beomgyu repeats the question, followed with a scoff. “I’m a band member?”

==

I fell in love with the way you bring magic into my days.

Remember that phase you had when you learned magic? You never really dropped it, you just switched your magic into something more powerful. You explained your card tricks to me. Your secrets.

But you could never explain the hypnotizing sensation of my heart exploding whenever you walk into the room. Or how the sky would look blue-er and the sun shines brighter whenever you’re with me. I just wish that I could be the one who brings magic into your life, so you can see how beautiful it is when you’re in love with the right person.

==

“Do you believe in magic?”

The silence in the room is broken by the question, which makes Soobin lift his head up from where he is crawling on the floor, looking for a piece of paper that would be his doom. He glances curiously at Beomgyu who’s sitting atop a tall chair, an acoustic guitar perched on his lap while he’s tuning the strings. 

“What’s with the random question?” he asks instead. 

“Just want to say that not even magic could help you find your letter,” he says with a shrug. “I put it in my bag as soon as Taehyun gave it to me.”

Now, that kills the last bit of hope Soobin had when he entered the room, replacing it with irritation, realizing that he’s been tricked again. “You… you just watched there while I made a fool of myself?” he scrambles onto his feet and marches towards the younger, who’s granted not enough time to flee from his wrath. 

There’s a lot of yelling to each other, as well as some biting involved, until a feigned pitiful plea from Beomgyu ceases the fight. He hides behind his guitar as Soobin stands in front of him with his hands on his hips. His hand aching, as a bite mark could clearly be seen on his wrist. It’s the only consolation that brings back a smile to Soobin’s lips.

“You’re dangerous! Get away from me!” Beomgyu is still yelling even then, using his guitar as a shield. 

“It was your fault!”

“And I was just gonna offer you to see some magic!”

His words piqued Soobin’s interest and he forgot the fact they’re in the middle of bickering. He blinks a few times, bringing his hands to cross over his chest. The surprise doesn’t last for so long as he gives the other an incredulous look instead. “You’re tricking me again, aren’t you?”

“Not at all. Come on, do you want to see or not?”

After what feels like a forever of contemplation, Soobin finally takes the bait again. 

And soon, he is regretting it. Especially now that the band room is clad in darkness, after he had innocently followed the request to turn off the lights. He is now sitting on the floor, blinking to let his eyes adjust to the darkness of the room with just minimum lights from the window. 

The first sound that breaks through the darkness is a melodious one coming from strings being strummed. 

“You playing your guitar in the darkness equals magic?” Soobin asks, snorting.

“Shut up.”

Soobin does just that, and he is glad for that. Because then Beomgyu starts playing his guitar, and the room is filled with the warm glow of blue lights from a small lamp set in the middle of them. It’s a kind of projector that shoots lights all over the confined space. The warm blue lights are twinkling across the walls and the ceilings, moving slowly in response to the sound of Beomgyu’s guitar.

And then Beomgyu starts singing, and Soobin couldn’t hold back the gasp that escapes his lips. He reasons that it’s because of the lights responding to his voice. The way it changes into a warm white glow. Comforting. 

Magical. 

For the whole performance, Soobin felt his chest tighten as he had forgotten how to breathe. Eyes constantly follow the glow, and then seek for Beomgyu’s face whenever the light passes between them. He’s still stunned by the end of it, even as all the sounds died down. Until Beomgyu crawls towards him, holding up the mini projector and bringing back a small light in the room, enough for Soobin to see his face brightened up with a smug smile. 

“How was that?” he asks. “This device reacts to sounds, so it’s really nice to play in the darkness like this. Sometimes when the band plays, it flashes in multiple colours.”

“You guys always play in the darkness?” That's the only thing Soobin can say after witnessing such breathtaking performance that soothes both his ears and eyes. 

“Not at all.”

“So why are you showing me your play in the dark?”

He hears Beomgyu’s smile before he sees it the moment the glowing light passes by his face. 

“I want you to focus on my magic, hyung.”

==

I fell in love with every little detail of you.

How you smell like the cappuccino that we don’t even like. How you let the sugar coat your lips when we eat churros. How you always crave for certain midnight snacks and ask for them only once the stores have closed so that we have to settle for something else.

The way you ball your hands into a fist when you’re excited. Or twirl your pen in your finger when you don’t know the answer to a question. Most of all, I love when you wonder how I caught your habits, as if I hadn’t spent more than half my life knowing you. I want to keep looking at you, memorizing every little detail of you, just so I can fall in love over and over again.

You’re the kind of person that makes someone fall more than once.

==

Summer is the most long awaited season of the year for college students normally. Holiday, parties, beach visits, hangouts with your friends day and nights without worrying of getting hangover during class. 

For Soobin, summer is usually long and boring. 

Every summer, Taehyun would go on vacation with his family while he’s stuck in the city, picking up various part time jobs and new hobbies just to kill time. It’s a mundane process of counting the days until the new semester starts. 

This summer is still the same, agonizingly slow one.

Except, this summer comes with a constant appearance of a certain bouncy haired guy, whose loud screams encapsulated inside his tiny frame.

It starts with an unexpected visit to help out a prof at the campus, a short one that is supposed to end before noon. If only it’s not for a yell of a familiar voice yelling “Choi Soobin from management!” which makes him quicken his pace towards the entrance gate in hope to escape. It’s to no avail, as he feels a crash to his back when Beomgyu jumps at him, seizing his arm to not let him walk away so quickly.

“Caught you!” he exclaims, still pretty loud even when he’s so close already. “Where have you been? I haven’t seen you all summer.”

“Why would you see me? It’s holiday.”

“Well, I did assume that you might be going somewhere, since I didn’t see you at any parties or hangouts since holiday started.”

Soobin stares at him, watching as the pair of curious eyes blink back at him. “Why would I be there?”

“You were always there.”

“But that’s because…” he trails off, stopping himself just in time before he gets to mention that Taehyun’s the only reason he’s always turning up at those activities. “I usually got dragged along.”

Taehyun loves people, and Soobin enjoys seeing him visibly brighten up around people. It’s almost like he absorbs the life of the party and the essence of laughters from around him. No matter how much he wants to keep Taehyun all to himself, he loves watching Taehyun shine.

“Interesting,” Beomgyu nods in understanding, yet the spark ignited in his eyes only raises an alarm in Soobin’s head. 

“What?”

“Give me your number!”

“But why?”

“No reason. I’ll buy you ice cream if you give it to me.”

In his defense, he’s been feeling too warm under his skin for too many hours now and he is not sure if he could walk home without melting on the pavement. It’s not his fault that he ends up handing out his number so easily in return to a melon stick ice cream that he finishes on his way towards the bus stop with Beomgyu on his tail. 

That day is just the beginning of the return of noises into his summer days. A quiet sound at first, barely noticeable until it builds up louder and louder and Soobin can’t hear anything but him. 

The season that started off with sleeping in until noon and waking up just to make a run for his short shifts at the bookstore is now filled with more ice cream, arcade games, watermelons, and laughter. Even when they are not hanging out with Kai or their other friends, Beomgyu somehow still finds his way into his days, popping up without an alert. Demanding and persistent for his attention. 

He becomes such a fixture that sometimes Soobin even wonders what he’ll be up to for the day the moment he opens his eyes to new messages on his phone. 

It’s like they have been friends forever and didn’t just start talking a few weeks prior because of the book. The book has completely been forgotten by now, as Soobin gives up on finding the letter. Beomgyu fills his days with enough noises to fill his ears and brain, not giving him enough space to even think about the letter or the fact that it might end up in a random stranger’s hand anytime. 

But when he is not being loud, Soobin also notices that Beomgyu tends to observe a lot. He usually mixes into the crowd, being the energizer of their friend circle. Sometimes, he is blending into the background, eyes catching whatever happens in the room. Often, when Beomgyu is in such a mood, their eyes would lock from across the room. 

It’s a given, as Soobin observes a lot. Only now that he realizes the way Beomgyu actually sees him.

Exhibit A: when it’s his turn to buy ice cream, he doesn’t have to ask what Soobin wants anymore. He tells the elder to wait and comes back within five minutes to hand him the melon ice cream. 

“What if I felt like having another flavour?”

Beomgyu gives him a look before replacing the popsicle with his blue bubblegum one. “Then you’d just pick this one.”

Or that time Soobin (regretfully) agrees to join the boys to swim at a swimming pool where Beomgyu works part time as a lifeguard. He’s just watching from a higher seat, while the rest of the boys try to pull Soobin under water. 

It shouldn’t have been a big problem, as Soobin could stand up and not be submerged in the water fully, and it’s impossible to drown that way. So everyone is just having fun, while he’s yelling for them to stop targeting him. It’s Beomgyu who comes over to their side of the pool and blows his whistle to warn them, crouching by the poolside with a stern look on his face.

“Yah, you guys are breaking the pool’s rules! No dunking people under water!”

“There’s no rule like that!”

“Who’s the boss here, huh?” 

He only goes back to his seat once the boys are tired of bickering with him and end up leaving Soobin alone. This time, the elder is the one who approaches him, thanking him silently as he settles on his side under the shade. His swimming suit sticking to his body and dripping with water that leaves stain on the ground.

“It’s not a big deal, though. They’re just having fun teasing me,” he says.

Beomgyu glares at him in return, making him jump in surprise. “You didn’t like it. If you did, you would shriek in your high pitched voice of yours. Instead, you have these distressed lines on your forehead,” he punctuates it with a poke to the centre of Soobin’s forehead.

“How did you even notice those…” he mumbles, rubbing his forehead after the touch. 

“I’m the one who gets under your skin the most right? I learnt where to draw the line. Those guys didn’t.”

Or just, the way he is so sensitive to the changes around Soobin that it makes him feel seen . Exposed. When he is with the younger. He starts wondering if that’s just Beomgyu’s character, or if they had spent so much together that they are practically soulmates now. 

Soulmates. What a high school concept. 

If someone asked him a month ago if he needed more friends, he’d just say that he’s content having Taehyun as his best friend along with some other friends in their small circle. Now, he is surprised to find that not having Beomgyu around as his friend would make his summer back to mundane and dull.

“So, are you coming?”

Soobin focuses his attention back at the younger upon hearing the question directed to him. “Yes?”

“Great! Yeonjun hyung’s only inviting close friends, so you should be lucky that you’re coming with me.”

“Yeonjun?” Soobin repeats the name. He has almost forgotten that name, or the fact that Taehyun had a crush on him and it should be bothering him. It is bothering him now, knowing that Taehyun would be jealous of him over the fact that he gets to come to Choi Yeonjun’s place while Taehyun’s stuck at his family’s summer home. 

“Is there something wrong between you and Yeonjun hyung?” Beomgyu asks, the smile slowly fades from his face, replaced by concern. “I didn’t think you two would know each other. Let alone had beef.”

“No, there’s nothing actually. I have never talked to him.”

“You got all tense, hyung. It was like you wanted to run away just from hearing his name alone,” Beomgyu sighs, reaching out to touch his arm, which is undeniably tense without him realizing. 

Snatching his hand away, Soobin brings it to cover his face, laughing softly. “Ah really, stop analysing me, Beomgyu. Is it one of your mind reading psychology student skill?”

Beomgyu scoffs. “It doesn’t take mind reading to see that you don’t like him.”

“I don’t dislike him!” he says defensively, dropping his hand to meet Beomgyu’s challenging face. “Fine, I’ll come.”

As the younger cheers in victory, he silently wishes Beomgyu could actually read his mind just so he’d be able to peek into his brain and see the 101 ways of punching him he’s formulating inside his head in those few seconds alone. 

==

I fell in love with the way you express your feelings so raw, I could almost feel them.

Your first kiss. First love. First heart ache. 

We used to lie down under the starless sky as you tell me about them.

For once, I want to be on the other side of the story. Not the one you’re comfortable enough to pour your heart to, but the one who makes you feel like your heart is going to burst. 

==

“So you’re Soobin!”

Choi Yeonjun is a stark presence in the room. Someone who would make you take a second look when you walk past him, or drop everything just to listen to whatever he had to say. He has this intimidating air around him that makes Soobin want to shrink into this couch he’s sitting on, but it might just be him, since the smile stretched across Yeonjun’s lips is a friendly one. 

“You know me?” he questions, fingers firmly clasped around a plastic cup. 

“I’ve heard about you a lot, but our paths never crossed until now, huh?” he laughs, tipping his head back to down his drink. And Soobin is trying hard to not assume that a certain someone has been talking about him to his crush. “Do you like music? We will have this small gig later just before the break ends. It’ll be our last time playing as our band before Taehyunnie joins and…”

Yeonjun talks about the gig his band is scheduled to perform at right on the edge of summer, carefully easing Soobin into the conversation too. Before long, they’re already jumping from one topic to another, bonding over their similar music taste.

It’s a small thought that randomly occurred to him as he looks at the senior, that he starts to understand why Taehyun would have a crush on him.

But what about me?  

He squeezes his eyes tightly shut as the traitorous thought surfaces again, after staying tucked in the back of his mind for so long. It comes back as a punch to his guts. A reminder that he should be loathing this person. Choi Yeonjun is going to be like Taehyun’s first love who made him smile a lot and then cried a lot, while he is the one who’s always by his best friend’s side. Longing silently.

Yet he can’t bring himself to think badly about the senior. 

Before the thoughts eat him up some more, Beomgyu’s voice ripped through Yeonjun’s gentle talking voice and the slow jam playing in the background. “Yeonjun hyung, stop trying to hit on my plus one!” 

As the clock ticks further into the night, Soobin blinks just to find himself sitting in a small circle with the others. It sure is a small party, as everyone seems to know each other already. By the time they are halfway through the game, he discovers more things about the group. 

Yua from management is a year below him, and she’s a drummer in their band; Sunwoo is from the dance club and is rival with Yeonjun until they somehow are not hating each other anymore; Sohee is also from psychology and she has a crush on Kai, which is also the reason why Kai is not invited for the night because she ‘ want to get ugly drunk without my crush around !’. 

And then there’s Yeonjun, who comes up with absurd questions for the balance game they are playing (“Become an angel but only owns one wing or a devil with a third eye on your knee?”) and Beomgyu, the only one whom Soobin is familiar with, but now sitting across the circle. Too far from his reach.

He’s not sure why he suddenly feels that the space between them is too far, when he’s the one constantly telling Beomgyu to get lost.

“Graduating now but in another major, or graduating in five years under your major?” Soobin asks when it’s his turn, smiling as Yua gasps dramatically, calling him mean in five different ways before settling for an answer. 

“Business analytics can suck my toes, but I really can’t switch majors so I’m not jinxing it by picking one,” she says, downing her shot of the mix placed in the middle of the circle. It must burn badly, seeing how her face scrunched up in disgust, and she starts complaining more afterwards. “If I really switch majors, it’d be your fault, sunbae! Give him a difficult one, Sunwoo!”

“I’d rather kiss someone in this room or I’d kiss my best friend,” Sunwoo says after contemplating his question for a moment. 

Yeonjun is already mixing another shot in a new cup, creating a murky looking mixture that doesn’t look appealing. But Soobin is drawn onto it as the question made him tongue-tied. He might as well have swallowed it, seeing how he feels a certain heaviness settling in the bottom of his stomach.

It should be an easy one, right? He knows already which one he wants to pick. 

There's laughter, followed by several comments at Sunwoo’s question. 

“Seriously? Who’s his best friend anyway?”

“Soobin! Who’s your best friend?”

“Isn’t it Taehyun? They’re attached by the hips. Or Kai?”

“Not my Kai!”

He’s not even sure what they are discussing anymore at this point as his head starts swimming with all the thoughts rushing inside. It’s not a big deal. Except he lifts his gaze, and he caught Beomgyu’s gaze on him. The boy is not smiling or joking around with the others. He is arching a brow at him, as if anticipating his response. Like he knows .

“Soobin! You’re thinking too long. 3 more seconds and you’ll have to drink this,” Yeonjun warns him from the side, but he registers it too late, as the countdown is already ticking down. “…one. Time’s up!”

“It’s just a kiss, I don’t mind either so I didn’t pick,” Soobin says, trying to not show that he was nervous for a moment there by smiling smugly. “Besides, I didn’t get to drink yet, so might as well.”

He picks up the cup and drinks the whole thing in one shot. The liquid burns along the lining of his throat, making him cough when he’s done, pressing his lips together to get rid of the bitterness on his tongue. He’s welcomed by Yeonjun’s cocky smile as his gaze stops blurring from the hideous taste.

“Ah, Soobin. You should’ve just said that you wanted to kiss me. It won’t be the first time!”

Sohee throws a pillow at him. “If anything, he’d pick Taehyun more than you. He’s more handsome.”

“Hey!”

“It’s just a kiss, though. Not a big deal,” Soobin chimes in, trying to laugh it off so the group will move on and his answer will be forgotten. 

“Is it, really? It’s not a big deal even if you kiss Yeonjun here?” Yua asks, bursting into laughter when Yeonjun throws some peanuts at her. 

“Yeah, seriously. What am I? A teenager?” he grimaces. 

The discomfort starts to become palpable in the air, and all he wants is to get up and bolt out of the room. Sure, these people are really welcoming despite them already being a tight group, but if being a newcomer means he’s going to be teased this much, he’s not sure he could take it. At least not when the taste of the bad liquor still stings his tongue. 

“Seriously, guys. Stop scaring off my friend. He said he didn’t mind either,” Beomgyu interrupts the laughter. 

But it’s not his words that make them stop laughing, it’s his action. As he moves to crawl across the circle, he takes Soobin’s breath away when his hand comes up to cup Soobin’s chin. Fingers pressed gently to his cheeks. 

“Right, Soobin-ah?”

Soobin blinks slowly at him, parting his lips to answer. Before the words get to slip past his lips, Beomgyu beats him to it by swallowing his words in a kiss. The pair of his lips are pressed against his own, and for a moment there, all the sounds in the room are muted. The sound of music from the tape, the laughter, the teasing. There’s only the sound of his heart beating quickly in his chest and the taste of peach soju from Beomgyu’s lips replacing the bitterness in his mouth. 

At that moment, there is only Beomgyu, and he is kissing him. 

==

I want to get under your skin. 

I want to be the reason why you can’t sleep at night, or the reason why your heart ache whenever you think of me. I want to be that person who steals a kiss, and leave the feeling lingering for what feels too long, that you can’t feel your own lips. 

I want to make you feel nothing but the ghost of my kiss on your lips.

==

Later that night, he is wide awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling with his phone on his chest. Taehyun’s voice came from the loudspeaker call, telling him about his boring last week in the vacation home and that he couldn’t wait to come back and spend the rest of the summer with Soobin. Phone Calls with Taehyun at the end of the week always feels like coming home, a familiarity he can come back to after being thrust into the new social world filled with loud cheers and laugther, courtesy of Beomgyu.

Thinking about Beomgyu makes his lips tingle with the memory of the pair of lips pressing against them. He can still feel them if he shuts his eyes. 

He really has no qualms about kissing his best friend (Taehyun) or the barely-friends he met from the hangout earlier (Beomgyu). What he minds is what follows after – the lingering taste of peach soju that he will now associate with the kiss, or the way his heart betrays him by beating in discord and losing its rhythm.

What he minds is that it was his first kiss. And it’s loud. 

It’s the loud music of the first party you walked into. The flutter in your heart the first time you held hands with your first love. The sting of alcohol kissing your tongue the first time you drink.

It’s demanding to be felt, just like how Beomgyu always demands for his attention.  

“Are you asleep, hyung?” Taehyun’s voice is what brings him back into his own room, back from the carpet of Yeonjun’s home and Beomgyu’s grasp on his cheeks. “It’s getting late.”

“No, I still want to talk to you.”

There’s a doubtful hum, but Taehyun gives in. Because the boy never sleeps this early anyway, and they usually spend hours on the phone calls until they both are too sleepy to talk and fall asleep to the sound of each other’s breathings. 

It’s a kind of comfort that reminds him of their high school days where everything was still simple and they are coddled from the world. The same feeling as falling asleep at a forgotten corner of the library, or giggling behind a book as they sat at the very back of the class. The same comfort as the sleepovers he had in his best friend’s house when his own was too suffocating to stay in, and sitting on top of the rooftop, holding his best friend’s hand as he tells him about his first date.

The feeling of coming home after a long day. Honey trickling down your tongue. Sinking under your blanket in a cold day.

As the call ends and he puts his phone away, the crash comes back. The loud noise from inside his own mind that Beomgyu just kissed you, and you have to act like it was nothing because it was nothing! caused by a thought of a certain boy that pops into his mind. He knows that Beomgyu always disturbs his day with his constant yelling and loud laughter, he didn’t know that the male is capable of doing that without being around.

While Taehyun gives him a sense of quiet comfort, Beomgyu makes him restless. He makes Soobin’s eyes stay open until the break of dawn, as he stirs under his blanket that feels way too warm even with the AC on. The warm honey from the thought of spending the rest of summer with his best friend is interrupted by the racing of his heart as he thinks about the kiss again. And again. And again.

It’s the cacophony of sensations that make him doze off just as the first ray of sun filters through the curtains, now too exhausted to feel the jitter in his chest.

==

I fell in love with our memories.

The days we spent as teenagers who know nothing better about the future.

Do you remember that day we spent the whole day lying under the sunshine and talk about life and dream? We made a whole plan to build a school and live together in ten years. Or nights when the snow was too cold, but we went ahead and made snow angels anyway. We left our childhood behind, and everything changed. How is it that my feelings stayed the same? I guess it’s impossible to get rid of them as they were the best part of my teenage life.

I want to do it all over again just to make sure that you are the one who feels it.

==

“Why are you here?” 

Soobin freezes barely a few steps he took from his workplace upon spotting a familiar guy on the street. He is looking away, busy petting a golden retriever by the side of the street. For a second, Soobin considers walking away unnoticed, but here he is anyway, standing by his side as Beomgyu looks up at him. The long ears attached to his maroon beanie move as he turns his head swiftly.

“You’re done! I thought it’d take another hour,” he brightens up visibly, joining him on his walk after saying goodbye to the dog.

“Got fired for being late. Well, it’s almost the end of break anyway.”

Beomgyu frowns subtly, but breaks into a smile soon as he doesn’t trace any sign of displeasure from his face. “Good! More time for me. Will you come to the swimming pool tomorrow? It’s getting boring.”

“Taehyun’s back tomorrow, and I think there will be a lot to catch up… for the next few days?”

“You’re acting like you won’t see me anymore now that your best friend is back,” Beomgyu scoffs, earning a look from the other.

It’s almost like he dislikes the thought of Soobin spending the rest of his summer with Taehyun, when that’s what he’s been doing since forever. Perhaps he looks like an ass right now, implying that he only spends time with Beomgyu because he has no one else. Or…

“Beomgyu—“

Right as he’s gathered the courage to address the problem ( his problem) to the very source of it, they are stopped on their tracks by droplets of water falling onto them. The rain comes slowly, and unforgivingly, since it builds up into a heavy shower not two minutes after the first drop.

It leaves them no room to hesitate. Before they could settle on a destination, they are forced to break into a run, with Beomgyu yelling every second of it and Soobin leading him towards a path that won’t lead them into a ditch.

The bus stops are filled with people, as well as store fronts with displeased owners. The rain came so suddenly that no one is prepared for it. Especially not the two college students who never bothered to purchase an umbrella.

“This is your fault,” Soobin finally gets to say once they’re sheltered. “Whenever you appear, the rain comes with you.”

Their ‘shelter’ is a dry patch under an apartment’s balcony that barely covers them from the drizzling rain. They have to squeeze themselves closer to fit underneath, though it does nothing much as there is not many dry spots on their clothing anymore. 

Even Beomgyu’s hair is all wet, sticking to his forehead as he whips his gaze towards the elder. “It was two times! And how could it be my fault?” he yells through the rain noises.

“The two times I came to the pool for the swimming lesson, it was always raining too!”

“If you notice, the three times it was raining, you were the one who came to me! ”

“Not the point!”

By the time they realized that they’ve been too busy fighting to shelter themselves properly, they’re already drenched. The only dry spot protected by the balcony is the space between them. It’s soon filled by Beomgyu’s bag, as he throws it to the ground, followed by Soobin’s, the moment he wrestles it out of the elder’s grip.

“What are you doing now?” Soobin asks warily. 

The answer comes as a grip around his wrist, before he is tugged away from his shelter. The rain is drumming onto them in full force now, but none of them cares anymore. Beomgyu is leading them towards the basketball court, the puddles of water splash under their shoes. 

“Fuck it! Fuck the rain! We are not running anymore!” Beomgyu’s voice rips through the water.

The rain is still falling heavily and their sights are blurred, but Soobin can see that Beomgyu is smiling. Eyes fighting to stay open with water constantly hitting his face. He looks the happiest Soobin has ever seen him and he really can’t fathom it because rain is supposed to bring sadness in people.

How can one look this happy under the rain?

Before he could ponder about it some more, he is interrupted by another loud laughter as Beomgyu kicks some water towards him, reaching up to his chest. It doesn’t do much as his shirt is still wet, but he still kicks some water back. 

There is something about Choi Beomgyu that wakes his playful side up, turning him into this guy who plays under the rain water when his mother always told him not to. Or the guy who kicks rain water back to return the attack. 

It goes on until the rain finally ebbs away, slowing down into a light shower. 

Their energy is depleted along with the intensity of the rain, and they are both sitting down on the basketball court. Soaked from head to toe. 

Beomgyu falls down to lie on his back, chest raising and falling quickly as he’s catching his breath. “I don’t wanna play with you anymore,” he chokes out breathlessly, and Soobin can only laugh as he splashes more dirty water towards him, knowing that he’s already defeated. “Stop! That’s nasty.”

“You’re already all nasty anyway. Remember that you’re wearing white sweatpants?”

As if he wasn’t aware of it before, Beomgyu abruptly lifts his legs to confirm, ending it with a groan and a slap of his palm over his wet face. “Mom…”

Their laughter dies down eventually, along with their breaths evening up. The rain is barely a drizzle by now. None of them bothers to get up from the ground, the air between them is thick with silence while their head is loud with their own thoughts. That’s it, until Soobin speaks up again. 

“The only time I ever sit down on a court like this is when I’m making a snow angel,” he smiles as a certain memory comes up. “Did it a lot with Taehyun.”

Beomgyu is still quiet even afterwards, that it starts to get concerning. The smile is still on his lips as Soobin turns his gaze to look at the other male, only to have it fade away slowly when he sees Beomgyu’s eyes fixed on him. 

“Stop that,” he says. 

Soobin blinks away the water from his eyelashes, frowning as he tries to read the younger’s face properly. “Stop what?”

“Stop smiling like a lovesick teenager when you talk about Taehyun. It’s not like everyone doesn’t know that you have a crush on him already.”

“What—“he cuts himself off, teeth sinking into his lower lip. “Everyone… what do you mean?”

“Well maybe if you look around sometimes and not only at Taehyun, you’d notice too.”

Detecting the sarcasm from his voice, Soobin feels his jaws tighten. Frowns forming in his visage. 

“And why does that bother you so much?”

“Are you serious?” Beomgyu gets up to sit down as well. This way, they are on eye level now, and Soobin can see how intimidating he looks, especially as he draws himself closer and holds Soobin’s gaze like this. “I kissed you, and you’re asking me why that bothers me?”

“It was a game, I said it wasn’t a big deal. Isn’t that why you kissed me?” 

“I wish it wasn’t a big deal,” Beomgyu throws his hands in exasperation, fingers coming up to mess with his own wet locks. “I wish I hadn’t wanted to do that for a while now. And I haven’t been thinking of doing it again ever since we left the party. Over and over again. I would do it again, hyung.”

“Beomgyu…”

“I would do it again. Now.”

He looks like he means it as he says that, and Soobin couldn’t get himself to move away or feel repulsed when the male moves closer to him. From this proximity, he could look at him better, see the water drop clinging onto his eyelashes, and his plush lips that tremble subtly from the cold air. He said he didn’t mind last time, so surely he doesn’t mind either this time around. 

Right?

Except it makes him feel uneasy. His heart is beating too fast that he starts feeling sick. Because now Beomgyu looks at him like he actually wants him. Wants to kiss him. It shouldn’t be the first time, except the last time the younger had caught him by surprise. This time, he has enough time to feel it. 

The fear.

He fears just how much he wanted this. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, turning his head just as their lips brushed. Even that already sends a tingle onto his plush lips, making them tremble with a whole different reason. His gaze is trained at a puddle of water on the basketball court, noticing that it’s not raining anymore. It’s too quiet without the sound of waterdrops. And even more silent now, as he noticed that both of them are holding their breaths.

“I’m sorry, Beomgyu,” he repeats, finally exhaling a shaky breath. “There’s someone I’m in love with.”

==

I fell in love with the way you know what you want.

You’re always so sure, and make a go for it. So, as much as I want to tell you to only look at me and please let me be your number one again. I can’t. The you that I’m in love with knows that you are in love with someone else. And I won't take that away from you.

I just want to thank you for letting me be in love with you. Because it’s beautiful. Being in love with you, even if you don’t feel the same .

Loving you makes me happy, Taehyun-ah.

==

soobin hyung

i found the letter

it was under the sofa

You did???

You didn’t read it right?

should i? maybe i should!

NO!

Please… I’ll treat you meat if you don’t read it

is it a letter for your crush?

i should spare myself the heartbreak then

kidding

Kind of?

Not that I’ll ever give it to him anyway

is this enough for you?

just liking him quietly?

Sometimes, that’s what you have to do 

If you want to keep them around

[read 23:34]

I’ll pick up the letter tomorrow, okay?

==

It should be a relief now that the letter is found. There’s no more fear about someone else finding the letter and reading whatever he wrote for Taehyun when he was drunk and at his lowest. 

Except there is also a bugging thought that this might be the end of something else. That Beomgyu’s only hanging around him because he’s guilty about the letter, and he will disappear now that he no longer has to do that. Especially after what he did the last time they spent time together.

Except, the letter is not there.

“What do you mean it’s not here anymore?” he questions, staring at the younger who seems to shrink under his stare, despite still keeping his chin up and returning his gaze with a feigned nonchalance. 

“I gave it to Taehyun.”

“You what?”  

Beomgyu holds the hardcover book against his chest as he backs himself up against the front door, a kind of barrier, probably from seeing the anger flash across Soobin’s face. The line of his lips stay firm, his stance not budging. 

“How long are you going to keep yearning in silence like an idiot? He’s so close. You might lose him anytime—“

“What the fuck, Beomgyu?” He’s interrupted as Soobin inches forward, stopping him on his tracks. His eyes are squeezed shut as Soobin starts speaking again. A voice he can’t even recognize as his own with how deep it is. The anger he’s suppressing is flowing into every word escaping his lips. “What gives you the right to do that for me? What made you think that it was okay? You barely know us and now you’re thinking that you know what’s best for me?”

“I know you! I know that you’re hurting every day you spend with him and he’s not letting you love him!” Beomgyu finally decides to return his anger, though with a more desperate tone to his voice.

“You don’t know anything!”

“I read your letter!”

Soobin’s lips are shut tightly as he heard that, catching the surprised look in Beomgyu’s eyes upon his own revelation. The worry about his letter being read by someone else is materializing into the person who’s been the closest to him in the past few weeks. 

“How long?”

“Hyung—“

“How long have you had the letter?”

Beomgyu bites his lip, but he answers anyway. His soft voice barely caught even in the silence of the empty corridor. “Since the beginning. Before you came to me that day, I'd found the letter and wondered who could have written it and…”

He tunes out the rest of Beomgyu’s desperate explanations. All the words are turning into buzzing noises, just the way Beomgyu suddenly looks like a stranger standing before him right now. 

The fear, it’s morphing into something more indescribable. A feeling of being watched under pitiful eyes, mixed with the sense of betrayal after being deceived. If Beomgyu has had the letter since the beginning, that would explain how he knew about Soobin’s crush. 

But that doesn’t explain the way Beomgyu sticks to his side all the time, yelling for his time and attention. There’s no explanation for the stolen glances, or the kiss. 

There’s no possible explanation other than everything being a gesture of kindness because Beomgyu pities him, and Soobin failed to see it all along. 

“Was it fun?” Soobin takes a step back, tearing his gaze away as he runs his fingers through his own hair. A soft laughter bubbling from his throat at how absurd the whole situation is. How much of a fool he is. “Was it fun, Beomgyu? You spent your summer trying to be a friend for someone who’s stuck in a one sided crush for years. Is it a charity case for you?” 

“No! Why would you think that?”

“You were being all nice to me for no reasons. You held my hand. You kissed me! What was that for? Was it something I wrote in the letter?” 

“Shut up, Choi Soobin!”

The book lands onto the floor with a loud bang, but none of them pays attention to it as Beomgyu is seizing the elder by the front of his shirt now, shaking him. He has fire in his eyes, a burning anger. Soobin just wants to laugh more, seeing how he has the audacity to be the furious one. 

“You asked me how you didn’t remember me the first time we met. You know what? It was because you were too busy staring at Kang Taehyun, that you didn’t notice anyone else in the room. I want someone to look at me like that!”

“And how does that explain why you lied? I don’t get you, Beomgyu. What’s with the letter?”

Soobin claws at his hands, trying to release the grip on his shirts to no avail. They’re not budging, and Beomgyu is unexpectedly strong for someone who’s smaller in frame.

“You wrote about the things you wanted to do with Taehyun in that letter. When I read it, I wanted to be him. I wanted to steal you from him just to see if someone could actually love that much without being loved back in return. And then when I saw you, I realized that I’ve never wanted to be him in the first place. I wanted to be you . I want to be that person who wrote the letter, so you can feel how it is to be loved that much.”

And if it’s not his words that made Soobin stay stunned, all arguments died down on his tongue because he’s telling himself to remember how to breathe instead. It’s the way Beomgyu looks so desperate. As if he’s in anguish. There’s sadness and longing dripping from his words when he continues. 

“I want to love you, hyung.”

Soobin exhales a long breath, a prickling pain on his chest as he does so. He’s spent half his life being in love with his best friend, that any other kind of love that comes to him feels intrusive. A stranger in his safe space.

His eyes are still fixed on Soobin’s, solemn and filled with unshed tears, before they’re cast down to his feet. Fingers still tight around the now wrinkled shirt.

“Why did you give him the letter, then?”

“I know it’s wrong of me. It’s not my place to do that and I’m sorry, but—“

“It’s really not,” Soobin cuts him, just because he noticed that Beomgyu’s crying now and he’s on the edge of hyperventilating, and as Soobin makes it to pry his hands off his shirt again, he feels the skin burning against his palm. “Beomgyu, you’re burning up.” He says warily, trying to pull on his hands again, which stay firmly.

“You think I want to do that? I want you all to myself too,” he looks down as he says that, interrupted by a sob that shakes his frame. “But I finally get it. I get why you’re always looking so sad. Because no amount of love or affections can bribe someone to love you back. It was like that for you and Taehyun. It’s like that for me right now. And I wish I’m still the selfish me from back then, because now I’m not him anymore.”

“Beomgyu, stop it!” Soobin interrupts him, finally able to pry his hands off, just because they are getting weak now, and Beomgyu’s words are running into each other. 

It’s only now that his concern is replacing his anger that he registers the way Beomgyu is swaying on his feet, and his ears are red, cheek hot to touch when Soobin brushes the track of tears away from his cheeks. But he keeps going, choking on his breath and clinging onto Soobin’s hands.

“And, and I, I’m letting you go. Hyung. I’m just your summer rain after all and and…”

The last resort Soobin can think of is to pull him into his arms and squeeze him in a tight hold. He feels wetness on his neck where Beomgyu’s face is pressed to his skin, the contact burns. There’s a last fight in the younger as he tries to stand up on his own, only to slump against Soobin like a ragdoll. 

“God, you’re burning up. Fuck. Beomgyu, you shouldn’t have gotten out of bed.”

As he lifts the smaller male up into his arms, he hears a soft whisper against his skin. One that’s followed by another sob. A fever talk. But there’s no mistaking what Beomgyu said.

“Go and be with your summer.”

Soobin has all the reasons to be angry, to storm away from this place and never want anything to do with Beomgyu anymore after this. 

Except, he finds himself sitting by his bed a moment later. Beomgyu tucked under his blanket, calming down only after he swallows some fever medicine and a glass full of water. The meds makes him doze off instantly. Only now Soobin remembers how to breathe properly again. 

The whole thing still doesn’t make sense to him. The letter. Beomgyu’s companion all summer. The confession. The need for Beomgyu to set them up.

Soobin thinks about love often as if he’s an expert, after experiencing love in the purest form ever since the first time he met his best friend. Now that Beomgyu comes into his life with his kind of love, he finds himself questioning everything he’s ever known. 

“Taehyunnie?” he picks up the phone call on the first ring, keeping his voice low to not wake up the sleeping boy. “You’re home already?”

“I am! Please get me away god, they still want me to stay home for dinner, can you believe that? If you talk to my mom, maybe she’ll let me go with you for bingsu. Please, hyungie? You’re my only hope.”

Soobin laughs, knowing that Taehyun only uses this tone with him when he wants something, so he agrees to it. “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

After hanging up the call, he takes another minute to sit there and stare at Beomgyu, wondering if he’s waking up anytime soon. But he has nothing to say even if the male wakes now. The anger has left him as soon as it came. 

“Sleep well, Beomgyu-ya,” he says softly.

Before he could take a step away from the bed, he feels a tug on the hem of his shirt. Beomgyu is still asleep, breathing soft and uneven, but his fingers are desperately clutching onto the fabric of his shirt. So much for telling him to go.

And Soobin, he wants nothing more than to stay and take care of Beomgyu. If only it was not for the fact that Taehyun is waiting for him right now. He would’ve stayed if it weren’t for the thought of coming home to his best friend. 

After all, since the beginning, it’s always been Taehyun. 

==

(If Soobin had stayed, he’d see Beomgyu waking up a couple hours later, staring up at the ceiling and trying to remember what he had said in his feverish state. But he’s not there. Beomgyu wakes up to an empty chair glaring at him from his side. His room feels emptier than it usually is. Loneliness flowing into the small room and making itself at home.

In the room. In his chest.

But it’s for the best, that Soobin is leaving. He doesn’t have to witness Beomgyu being pathetic.

His fever has gone down noticeably, yet he still bumps into things on the way to the kitchen. Not even bothering to heat the leftover from his fridge, he sits there at the table, scooping cold spaghetti into his mouth.

“Fuck, it’s awful,” he curses under his breath, swallowing the food still, and laughs around the mouthful. Of course it’d taste awful.

He called Soobin an idiot, yet he’s only seeing now that he’s the biggest idiot in the room. 

Most of all, he hates that he’s right. Soobin confirms it when he left, that Beomgyu is nothing but his summer rain, and that he only brings dismay into what should be the merriest season of his year. 

He came unprompted, bringing a storm behind. 

How could he expect someone as perfect as Soobin to be in love with him ? When the elder has never looked at him in the first place. Always the insignificant presence in the room, easy to forget.

In the end, even though he’s the one who kissed Soobin, he’s nothing but a hitch in Soobin’s summertime love.)

==

The rest of the summer passes by quickly. 

Rain doesn’t come that often either, now that the weather is not scorching anymore. It makes Soobin wonder at times, when he is outside and staring up at the clear cloudless sky, if Beomgyu actually brings the rain to him. 

The rest of the summer also comes with the presence of Taehyun, and the male easily eases Soobin back into his daily routines. No more part time jobs or random unannounced visits. No more being dunked into the swimming pool. No more yelling and running under the rain just to catch a fever the next day.

No more Beomgyu.

“They’ve been busy preparing for this for weeks, so this better be good,” Taehyun says next to him, clutching a video camera in his hand as they are waiting for the next stage to start.

It’s a college summer festival with college bands and dance groups performing as an event to commemorate the end of the holiday season. The sun is not glaring too harshly on them, and the cool breeze constantly blowing over them is carrying an impending rain. 

Soobin squints at the stage, wondering if Taehyun’s future band is going to perform before it starts raining. 

“You’re replacing Yeonjun hyung next semester, right? Are you going to dye your hair pink too?” Kai says, ruffling Taehyun’s hair while he’s at it.

Taehyun swats his hand away, smiling smugly. “I don’t need that to stand in the spotlight.”

“I thought you joined the band to play with Choi Yeonjun,” Soobin chimes in, curious.

“Do I look like the type to do that sort of thing for love?” 

“Yup.”

“Yup.”

He rolls his eyes. “Besides, if everyone who’s crushing on Yeonjun hyung auditioned for the band, they’d have to disband from chaos.”

At that moment, their college’s band is getting to the stage. While the other members are setting up their equipment in the background, Yeonjun is gathering everyone’s attention to him. His pink hair is tied behind in a small ponytail, and apparently that’s the hot trend these days because Soobin can overhear what people around him are saying. And Taehyun’s not exaggerating.

“He’s really popular, huh?” he says in awe, trying hard not to let his eyes wander so he won’t find the other members. Particularly, the one guitarist.

“He really is, everyone who’s into boys probably had a crush on him at some point. There used to be a rumor about him and the guitarist, though, so people kinda backed away, but now that it’s cleared off, everyone’s making a move on him!” Kai explains, as expected of someone who’s keeping up with all the campus social rumors.

The fact that Yeonjun is popular doesn’t faze Soobin. It’s a tiny detail that does. That mention of him being involved with the guitarist. Choi Beomgyu, who he can see standing on the stage right now, ready with his guitar.

The band starts to play. Covers and original songs, and hype songs that make people scream and sing along with them. Meanwhile, Soobin can only stare at Beomgyu, and think of that day Beomgyu played his magic for him in the band room. 

This Beomgyu on the stage, smirking and playing music with his band mates, he can share with the world. The Beomgyu who made him see magic, kissed him, and played with him under the rain? Soobin can feel a flash of irritation washing over him as he thought about those moments, but it’s not caused by the feeling of being deceived. 

It comes with the urge to keep it all to himself. He wants Beomgyu’s magic for himself alone.

“Hyung, that was fantastic right? Oh my god, I’m going to be up there next year,” Taehyun shakes his arm, and the noises start filling Soobin’s ears again. 

The band has stopped playing, and he’s shaken out of his deep thoughts, blinking and staring at Taehyun’s hand that’s clinging around his arm. 

This is the perpetual comfort that Taehyun always provides to him. Being with Taehyun is comforting, that no matter where they are, he feels like coming home . And that’s what Soobin perceives as love. For a while, now. That’s all he needed.

And someone just had to ruin that for him. 

“Taehyun-ah. I’ve been in love with you since we were kids,” Soobin blurts out, and everything seems to slow down the moment Taehyun turns to look at him with his eyes wide. It doesn’t hurt anymore, knowing that Taehyun only loves him as a friend. Home does love you in that way. 

“Hyung?”

“You don’t have to say anything. This is the last time I’m allowing myself to be in love with you. And I’ll never stop, either, because loving you is what I was made to do. Loving you made me realize that I’ve been craving for a different kind of love, and I found it.”

Taehyun looks at him for a while, probably trying hard to process the information, as everything is just unloaded to him in the middle of a crowd. In a summer concert, right after the band he liked finished playing. This is so much to take. Soobin can’t blame him. 

“I’m happy for you, hyung,” Taehyun says at last, letting go of his hold around his arm. “I hope that person is the right one for you.”

“He could be.”

Before he leaves, he takes out a folded envelope from his back pocket, slipping it into Taehyun’s hand. The cursed love letter that became the beginning of everything. The letter that Beomgyu had claimed to give to Taehyun, only for Soobin to find it when he picked up the book from the floor that day.

It doesn’t matter anymore.

==

What matters is finding Beomgyu.

Falling in love with Beomgyu doesn’t come with a sense of coming home, or the comforting feeling of sinking into your bed after a long day. It comes as a raging storm. A heat under your skin that makes you want to scream, but also to reach out for your lover for a last kiss before they leave for the day. 

It creeps up silently into Soobin’s heart, a flicker of light that he underestimated, which turns out to be a burst of flame that could engulf the whole galaxy. A burst of popping candy on your tongue. The tears after your first heartbreak. The first time you fell when you learned how to ride a bike. 

It’s so rude, and strong, and demanding, that Soobin can’t feel anything else other than the urge to see Beomgyu. 

And when he does find him behind that stage, among his band members and the other staff, his chest bursts with ache at how much he had missed him. 

“I thought you’re mad at me,” is the first thing Beomgyu says when he spots Soobin and walks over to him. 

“I am,” he replies, trying not to crumble at the way pain flashes across Beomgyu’s face. Knowing that he’s late. That Soobin has made him wait too long. ”I’m furious. I’m so mad at you for coming into my life so unexpectedly and not letting me realize until it’s too late, and before I know it I’m already…”

“W-what?” Beomgyu blinks up at him, long eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks. 

His pretty, pretty Choi Beomgyu. Making his heart ache in the sweetest way possible.

There’s a dragging silence, and then the sound of thunder somewhere in the distance, followed by trickles of water falling onto them. Beomgyu looks up at the sky, squeezing his eyes shut when a drop of water hits his face. 

“This can’t be happening. I really brought rain into your life, huh? Even at this situation, fuck. This is so funny,” he breaks into laughter. 

“I’m in love with you.”

The laughter dies down. Beomgyu is looking at him with his solemn eyes now. It’s almost as if he’s expecting a but at the end of the sentence. The rain starts getting heavier, drizzling over him while he waits for his but .

Someone told you he loves you, and you’re too used to getting hurt that it was your first response.

“Taehyun’s home and I always know where to find him. But you. You’re my rain,” Soobin takes a deep breath, his eyes finding Beomgyu’s again just as he steps closer. Once he’s close enough, he opens an umbrella, sheltering them both under the shade. He’s close enough to touch. “Youre my summer rain. Unexpected. Annoying.”

Beomgyu frowns, now offended instead of sad. “Excuse me?”

“But you also bring fresh air to an annoyingly hot day. You give me a space to breathe while taking my breath away at once. That’s you. That’s how I know I’m actually in love with you, Choi Beomgyu.”

“You just called me annoying and told me you loved me. That’s the worst confession I’ve ever had,” he says slowly, a confused tone to his voice, like he’s still trying to make sense of the situation. 

Like he’s making sure it’s not a dream.

Soobin smiles, reaching his free hand to cup Beomgyu’s cheek. 

“I love you. I’ll say it over and over again.”

“Shut up, shut up shut up,” Beomgyu chants, slapping his hand away just so he can bring his hands up to cover his own face. He quietens down when Soobin speaks again.

“But the scariest part of this is that summer rain never stays for long. I don’t know how long you’re willing to stay, Beomgyu. And it scares me, how much I want you to stay.”

His answer comes quickly, but not as a confirmation. It comes as rain water falls down mercilessly onto his frame, the moment Beomgyu knocks out the umbrella from his hand when he throws himself at the elder. Beomgyu is hugging him tightly around the neck, and Soobin finds his arms naturally wrapped around him, lifting him up from the ground because their height differences make it hard for them to be on eye level. 

And they kiss like that. Summer rain beating them down, cold breeze seeping through their wet clothes, and wet mouths pressing against each other. 

They don’t need words. Not until the rain gets too much, and Beomgyu loosens his hold around the elder, pulling away from the kiss just enough to whisper against his mouth. 

“Thank you for letting me love you.”

==

And I’m drunk at 3AM, writing this letter in hope this will help me move on.

If I do move on, please know that I still love you in my own, silent way, and in the way you deserve to be loved. Moving on hurts, but losing you as my best friend would hurt more. So if I had come into term with that and finally let you read this letter, please smile at me and give me a pat on the back like you always do.

Dear Taehyun, my most trusted person. My person.

Thank you for letting me love you.

==

Taehyun folds the paper and tips his head back, watching as the rain water falls from the edge of the bus stop’s roof. A derisive edge to his smile as he scoffs to himself.

“He was in love with me. He had been in love with me for so long, and I never tried looking at him in that way because it’s a bad idea to be in love with your best friend. It always ends in flame, right?”

“And it doesn’t end up in flame now?”

“Why would it be? He is happy. He moved on.”

Kai is silent for a moment, but he can feel the other’s stare at him, judging and waiting, until the words finally couldn’t be contained anymore.

“You said that, yet you look like you just went through three years-worth of heartbreak.”

“Ten years, actually, which I deserve since he’s been holding on for that long,” Taehyun laughs.

“So you’re actually sad.”

He sighs, leaning his head onto Kai’s shoulder as he stares at the rain again, knowing that it’d take a while until the rain completely ceases and they can walk home. But it’s okay, because rain only makes him feel more, and he wants to feel everything. Every feeling evoked by the words Soobin wrote in his drunken handwriting. He just wishes pain is not included in the feelings, but you can’t have everything in life, after all.

“It’s just that, Kai-ya, you didn’t know how much you’d miss summer until winter comes.”