Work Text:
alright. so!
ugh.
okay.
no big deal.
this isn't a video or anything, so, it's really not that big of a deal, oh my god, i'm still worried anyway.
what the fuck.
okay.
OKAY.
so. my name's zak. but i go by skeppy on literally everything. only my irl friends call me zak, and not even all of them do.
... so. skeppy. i'm a minecraft youtuber. i do challenges and pranks, especially pranks on badboyhalo, because i love his reactions and i love the way he freaks out. i love---
... i love him.
not like, in a weird way or anything!
because that'd be weird.
but i do love him.
i love the way he comforts me. i love talking with him. i love messing with him, but i also just love chiling with him. he does make me laugh. i like talking with him and i miss him when i haven't talked to him in a while. he makes me happy, you know? he's one of my bestest friends and i don't know where i'd be without him.
...
oh shit, that makes it sound like i love him.
okay, okay, i'm internally monologuing about my best friend, this isn't weird at all, oh my god, shut up!
... i'm just waiting for a response.
c'mon, bad. it's just a yes-or-no question. will you come and visit me? can we finally meet up? i've sent you 50 grand. was that enough? was that not enough? do i need to send even more?
... does he not want to see me? does he not want to see his best friend? does he not want that?
... am i not his best friend?
why does that make my heart sink? the thought of bad seeing me as an annoying kid that just pesters him into a friendship, that's---
... why does my heart hurt?
ugh.
oh my fucking god.
ridiculous. he doesn't respond to me within the minute and here i am, questioning our friendship. why am i like this with bad specifically? i don't care when vurb leaves me on read. i don't care when mega reacts to my message with the middle finger emoji without saying anything. i don't care, i don't care, i don't care---
i just don't understand why i care when it comes to badboyhalo.
bad.
bad.
baaaaaaad.
what the fuck.
here i am, sitting at my desk, messaging bad on discord like my life depends on it, spamming him. wondering what he's doing. if he's seeing my messages. if he actually cares.
because i'm scared.
... am i?
i guess i'm kinda scared.
i'm younger than him. not by a lot, but he's older. mature... er. maturer? i don't think that's a word but it doesn't matter, because what i'm saying is that maybe bad only says that he's my best friend for the clout.
no.
no, no, bad would never do that. not for clout.
... maybe because he feels bad for me. because i cling onto him and i tell him everything and i make him do stuff with me, because i see him as my best friend, and he pities me because i'm this lost child who's clung onto him, and he's too much of a softie to say no, so he does stuff with me, and---
oh my god, i'm being fucking ridiculous.
no response.
bad, where'd you go?
... i miss you.
i miss your stupid voice, and your stupid smile, and your dumb laugh, and yeah, okay, you're funny, and cool, and i miss you more than i should sometimes, but like, whatever, it's not--- in a weird way, right?
i just care a lot about him.
... i just hope he cares about me. maybe i'm being paranoid, and clingy, and my self-doubt and self-esteem is speaking for itself but---
bad means so much to me.
... haha.
maybe he thinks i have feelings for him.
that that's the reason why i sent him money and that's why i'm so persistent and annoying when it comes to the topic of our meet-up, and he thinks i'm weird and clingy and doesn't want me to think i have a chance with him. because he's probably not into guys and like why would i care right, because i'm not into guys, but he's not homophobic but maybe he just doesn't want me to hit on him and maybe he thinks that i am hitting on him, even though i'm not, and--- ugh. but honestly what, does everyone think i have feelings for him?
because i don't.
even if he's cute, and sweet, and adorable, and i can say that, even if i'm straight, because i am straight, i'm just comfortable with my sexuality and yeah, maybe i'd kiss bad but like, that doesn't mean anything!
wait, did i just say i'd---
okay.
wait.
what?
... fucking goddammit.
my name is zak ahmed. i'm almost twenty-one years old. i go by skeppy, my best friend is badboyhalo, and i don't have feelings for him.
... convincing, right?
yeah, if only it were so easy to convince yourself.
maybe i'll just have to accept that bad's never going to meet-up with me. then, when or if it does happen, i'll be pleasantly surprised.
... my heart still hurts when i think about him.
maybe this isn't such a good idea after all. this... meet up. i do want to meet him, i really do. to be able to hug him and talk to him in person instead of through a phone or a screen, that'd be --- that'd be great.
but what if, what if i do see him and i do fall for him, because i can appreciate that he's cute, and maybe that means that i'm not straight, and i ruin our friendship because i'm an idiot? that i'll see him and realize something about me and i'll -- i'll develop romantic feelings and ruin everything?
because bad has to be straight. there's no way.
... and bad really does just view me as a best friend.
and that's okay. we can be best friends. that's good. that's amazing. that's what i want.
right?
yes. best friends.
... that's all.
and that's what i want. all i want. best friends with badboyhalo. i can do that. and i would never give that up for a million years. no matter the stakes. nothing. i can't let that change.
i miss bad.
i hope he responds soon.