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"Are you sure it's ok?" Sebastian asked again.
"Of course it's ok," Kurt assured him, adjusting the phone on his ear. "You're moving to New York City, you don't have an apartment yet, and everybody stays with us at some point when they first get here. The loft isn't fancy but there is room for you here."
"I really appreciate it," Sebastian said for the sixth time.
"Don't mention it," Kurt repeated. "Although I should warn you about one thing..."
"What, does the shower get cold after ten minutes, or are are neighbors loud or something?"
"Not exactly," Kurt explained. "It's Santana actually. You need to know that she will go through your stuff. Like all of it. She has no shame. And she will probably talk about whatever she finds. So, you know, maybe leave embarrassing stuff in storage for after you find your own place."
"Maybe I should plant some things for her to find!" Sebastian suggested. Even over the phone Kurt knew he had a mischievous grin on his face.
"Um," Kurt started.
"Hey, if I plan this well it could be hilarious!"
"Oh god, well, if you do, I am not taking responsibility for the consequences!"
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Sebastian moved into the loft two weeks later. He settled in in Kurt’s room since Rachel and Santana were already sharing the other one. It was only a few days later that Santana shared her first snooping discovery with someone.
“Hey Rach, have you seen these before?” she asked casually one afternoon as Rachel was folding her laundry. Rachel froze as she caught sight of the slinky purple thong dangling from Santana’s finger.
“No, those aren’t mine,” Rachel assured her quickly. “Aren’t they yours?”
“Nope, purple is one color I will not wear,” Santana explained. “It’s too cliche for the lesbian to wear purple underwear.”
“Oh, right, of course,” Rachel said, still not sure what Santana was getting at. “So, whose are they and why are you carrying them around?”
“I found them in the boys’ room,” Santana announced triumphantly. “Which presents two logical possibilities: either one of them is not as gay as we thought he was, or else one of them likes wearing women’s underwear.”
“Eww!” Rachel waved her hands back and forth in front of her face as though she could brush the idea (and the mental image) away from herself. “I’m pretty sure they are both really really gay Santana.”
“Me too,” Santana smirked.
“So just put them back. I don’t need to know about other people’s underwear choices,” Rachel said piously.
“But aren’t you curious now, which one of them it is?!” Santana asked.
“Of course not,” Rachel blurted, but her eyes said something else.
“I thought so. So how are we going to find out which one?”
Rachel stared at her. This was way out of her league.
“Hows about I just leave them out someplace and watch to see who gets the most embarrassed about it?”
Rachel thought that sounded a little bit mean. On the other hand, it also sounded a little bit funny, so she bit her tongue and nodded. Nobody could blame her for being curious, right?
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That night after dinner they all relocated to the living room to watch TV. Santana had dropped the purple thong right in the middle of the coffee table some hours earlier, but nobody seemed to have noticed it yet. So she decided to encourage the situation. She placed her feet on the coffee table, and then carefully stretched, pretending to accidentally knock several magazines off onto the floor and making the thong more visible.
Everyone looked over at the thud of the magazines hitting the floor, and there was no way anyone could miss seeing the bright purple in the middle of the table. Rachel gasped and covered her mouth.
“Oh, look at that. I wonder how this got out here. How careless of me!” Sebastian said with a million-dollar grin as he reached out and grabbed the underwear. “Let me just put these away.” He stood and casually sauntered back to the bedroom, returning a moment later with empty hands. Everyone was staring at him in silence. Rachel had her hand over her mouth and Kurt was blushing. “Well now, where were we?” Sebastian asked, motioning toward the TV and settling back on the couch.
Rachel and Kurt seemed glad for the excuse to return to watching the show. Santana just sat there in confusion. Kurt seemed embarrassed and Sebastian seemed unsurprised. Actually that didn’t answer her question at all! She would have to search some more.
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The next time Santana found something in Sebastian’s belongings she went straight to Kurt.
Kurt had completely forgotten about his and Sebastian’s prior conversation regarding Santana’s unusual social habits and Sebastian’s preemptive plan for them. He was reminded rather abruptly one afternoon when Santana roughly pulled him into the bathroom and shut the door, locking it behind them.
“Santana, what the...?” Kurt glared at her, but then his eyes widened as she held up a pair of padded handcuffs.
“Good lord Santana, I don’t need to see those,” Kurt muttered.
“Oh really, Hummel?” Santana asked coyly. “Do you like blindfolds too? You have enough scarves around that that’s probably easy...oooo I bet the silk ones feel just luscious. Do the silk ones feel luscious?”
“What are you talking about Santana?” he spat back at her.
“Hey, it’s all good, if you two like to get your kink on I’m down with that,” Santana purred. “But maybe you can get your boy to put things away better? I mean these were right on top in his drawer.”
“Oh my god Santana, He’s not ‘my boy’ and I resent your implication that I’m sleeping with him.”
Her eyebrow shot up.
“I mean, yes, we are sleeping together technically, because he’s staying in my room, and there’s just one big bed in there, but we’re not having sex. Eww.”
“I don’t know, if I were interested in men I’d consider him a fine specimen.”
“Yeah, well you’re not, so I’ll make my own decisions in that department thankyouverymuch.” And with that Kurt pushed his way past her and back out of the bathroom.
Santana twirled the cuffs around her finger and smiled to herself. Having Sebastian as a roommate was proving to be very interesting indeed. She had a feeling she had barely scratched the surface.
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That night as they were getting ready for bed, Kurt grabbed Sebastian by the shoulders and sat him down, facing him with a serious expression on his face.
“Uh-oh, I feel like I’m about to get a lecture from the headmaster.”
“Do you know what Santana did to me today?”
“I fail to see how I could know since I was not involved, Kurt,” he smirked. “Is there something you want to tell me?!” he added.
“Ugh, stop implying things! You’re as bad as Santana!” Kurt groaned in frustration. “She found a pair of handcuffs in your stuff and she thought that we use them together.”
“What, to play cops and robbers?” Sebastian teased.
“Yeah Sebastian,” Kurt said sarcastically. “The kinky kind.”
“Well this is amusing.”
“I am not amused Sebastian!” Kurt exclaimed. “She thinks we’re sleeping together!”
“Well, technically…” Sebastian began but Kurt cut him off.
“Shut up,” he huffed. “Look, what you do in your personal life is your business, but I don’t like people making assumptions about me that aren’t even true.”
“Well, it doesn’t have to be untrue if…”
“Oh shut up Sebastian!” Kurt repeated, but in a gentler tone now. He playfully shoved the other man and then artfully dodged a returning shove.
Sebastian cleared his throat. “Do you remember before I came here you told me that Santana likes to snoop?”
“Oh, um, yeah?” Kurt answered.
“Do you remember what I said I would do about it?” Sebastian prompted.
“Ohmygod you said you were going to plant things for her to find!” Kurt’s eyes had grown wide with the realization.
“You didn’t really think the purple thong was mine?!” Sebastian laughed.
“Um, I tried not to think about it honestly,” Kurt sighed.
“Well, I mean, technically it is mine, but I just bought it so that I could freak Santana out. I figured she wouldn’t be able to resist lady underwear.”
Kurt snorted. “You’re probably right.”
“I was right!” Sebastian said gleefully. “She took that one hook, line, and sinker. And now she’s found the cuffs too. I’ve got her eating out of my hand.”
“Uh, eating what, exactly?” Kurt wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer, but he couldn’t help but ask anyway.
“It’s a game, Kurt. She draws conclusions about me based on false clues. It makes me an enigma. She is desperate to figure me out, but she never will since the plants are fake. So I have the upper hand.”
“Do you have other scandalous things hidden?” Kurt was curious now.
“Of course.”
“Do you think you can tell me what they are? So that next time I’m not caught off guard?”
“Of course.” Sebastian smiled conspiratorially and extended a hand to shake. “Welcome to the game Kurt.”
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The third time Santana found something in Sebastian’s drawer she considered just keeping it for herself. After all, a wad of cash could be a useful thing. Then again, this might lend credence to the other theories she was developing about Sebastian. It wouldn’t be the first time that her snooping had uncovered someone’s secret night job: Brody hadn’t been a drug dealer but he had been a gigolo, and she could totally see Sebastian being a stripper or a spy or something. Kurt had insisted that he didn’t know anything about the handcuffs, and even though Santana would have been proud of him if he did have a kinky side, she had to admit that he was probably every bit as vanilla as he appeared to be.
Santana was about to close the drawer when something else caught her eye, and when she reached for it she gasped. This was not something she had expected, and it made her more than a little curious.
Santana presented the roll of cash to Kurt and Rachel together while Sebastian was at class.
“I think our roommate has a secret night job,” she announced smugly.
“Not again Santana,” Rachel groaned.
“Well, last time she had suspicions about a roommate she was onto something…” Kurt pointed out.
“Precisely!” Santana nodded, glad to have someone on her side.
“Of course,” Kurt added airily, “none of us here are dating Sebastian, and he’s only staying here temporarily, so what he does for employment doesn’t really matter so much as it did with the Ken Doll.”
Santana glared at him. Apparently she didn’t have someone on her side after all. But that was ok, because she had more evidence.
“The cash is only part of it. What about this?” Santana had a self-satisfied smirk on her face as she placed a small metal item on the table next to the cash.
“What is that?” Rachel began.
“Heh, sheltered white girl. I’m from Lima Heights Adjacent. I know a set of brass knuckles when I see them.”
Kurt hadn’t moved or said anything. Santana side-eyed him. She had expected a bigger reaction than that from him, especially after the way he’d responded to something as tame as handcuffs.
“Our boy is up to something,” she announced. We should figure out what it is.”
“Why?” Kurt asked, baiting Santana.
“Because I needs to know!!”
Rachel and Kurt just stared at her for a minute before Rachel leaned over and whispered in Kurt’s ear. “I think she’s finally lost it.” Kurt nodded as Santana threw up her hands in exasperation and strode out of the room.
“Those things are unnerving though,” Rachel continued, gesturing at the table where the cash and brass knuckles had been only moments before. “Sebastian has always unsettled me a little bit, but now I’m kinda scared he’s going to kill us all in our sleep.”
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“You have to tell Rachel,” Kurt announced to Sebastian that night.
“What?”
“Or let me tell her.”
“Why?” Sebastian’s raised eyebrow was obscured by the henley he was pulling off over his head, and then again by the t-shirt he pulled on as he prepared for bed.
“Santana found the brass knuckles and showed Rachel and me and now Rachel is scared of you,” Kurt explained.
Sebastian giggled. “I was wondering when she would find those.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not sure if it’s funny anymore,” Kurt moped as he slipped on flannel jammy pants and carefully hung up his skinny jeans from the day.
“I think it’s hilarious,” Sebastian countered with a wink and a waggle of his brows.
“Not when Rachel is getting scared over nothing,” Kurt maintained staunchly. I don’t care if you want to mess with Santana, but you can’t do that to Rachel.”
“Fine,” Sebastian agreed. “You can tell her.”
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By the next time Santana found something she was done playing games. She set it in the middle of the table as everyone sat down for dinner.
“Mister Smythe, you have some esplainin’ to do,” she announced.
Sebastian stared at her with wide eyes and attempted to look innocent. “Explain what, exactly?”
“What is this?!” The vein on Santana’s neck looked like it might burst at any moment if she didn’t get some kind of answer.
“I believe that’s a baby’s rattle,” Kurt offered as nonchalantly as he could. Rachel bit her lip to keep from snickering.
“What was it doing in your room?” Santana tried again.
“Seeing as how rattles are inanimate objects,” Sebastian explained gently, “I suspect it was just laying there innocently, doing nothing at all, until you disturbed its gentle slumber.”
Actress or not, Rachel couldn’t contain herself anymore, and she burst into laughter. When she snorted trying to catch her breath, Kurt lost his composure as well and his face crinkled into a smile.
Sebastian smirked.
Santana stared back and forth between them. “What is going on here you guys? What am I missing? Sebastian has tons of random crap in his room and it has to mean something.”
“It does,” Kurt offered before giving in to a chuckle.
“WHAT?!”
“It means that I win,” Sebastian said, his face breaking into a grin.