Archive of Our Own

Cas was working on a piece of shoreline in a corner of heaven, trying and failing not to notice how much it resembled a beach from a movie Dean made him watch once, when Jack appeared.

“Cas! I bring news!” he said excitedly.

He stopped his work and focused on Jack. “Yes Jack? What is it?”

“Dean just arrived! Bobby is greeting him as we speak.”

The color drained from Cas’s face.

Jack faltered, confused at his reaction. “Are you upset that he’s here? I’m sorry Castiel, I promised I would be hands off, and this was his time.”

Cas hastened to change his expression. “It’s alright Jack, I understand. Thank you for letting me know.”

Jack’s smile slowly returned. “Well, when you’re ready to see him, feel free to take all the time you need. I’m sure I can keep things running smoothly without you.”

Cas did his best to smile back. “Thank you.”

Once Jack left, Cas collapsed onto the beach, burying his face in his hands.

Why did this have to happen now? He thought he had more time. He thought Dean would be able to live a long life on Earth, put some distance between himself and all of the words that Cas said to him, that he needed to say in order to save his life. But to only get a month before his time was up… he knows Jack’s in charge now, but he can’t help but wonder if someone out there is still out to get him.

Of all the emotions he acquired since retrieving Dean from hell, why did embarrassment have to be one of them?

When Cas awoke from his restless slumber in the Empty to Jack’s smiling face, the only feeling he could process was overwhelming joy. He never thought he would see Jack again, and even if he didn’t know how he got here, nothing could dampen his elation.

Well, almost nothing.

After Jack explained how they defeated Chuck and he gained Chuck’s powers in the process, he asked Cas what he would like to do next.

“If you would like, I can send you back to Earth, back home to the bunker. I have to remain here now, but of course I would understand if you want to continue to live that life. If not, you can stay here with me, help me to mold heaven into the place it’s truly meant to be.”

Cas thought he probably should have at least pretended to think it over more, but responded nearly immediately that he wanted to remain in heaven with Jack, to help him build a truly good place for people to come to rest. Jack seemed shocked, but delighted. He looked like he wanted to ask him if he was sure, but Jack must have seen the resolve in his face and left it at that, and they got to work.

It’s not that Cas didn’t want to go back to the bunker, to live that life with his family, to see Sam, to see Dean.

To see Dean.

Dean, who he sacrificed his life to save, to help him stop Chuck from ending everything. Dean, who did everything for love, who deserved the world because of it.

Dean, who he had bared his soul to in the most vulnerable and excruciating way possible.

How was he supposed to face that now?

He simply couldn’t. He’s not sure when he realized what he felt for Dean was love, but he knows it’s been there practically since the beginning, that it was the first emotion to truly affect him, to cause him to rebel. How was he supposed to confront that, knowing that the best he could hope for was kind rejection in return? There was a reason he didn’t voice these feelings until he was certain he would be dying immediately after. No, better to do the good he could up here, be content in the fact that he’d spoken his truth, and leave it at that.

But then of course the idiot had to go and die immediately.

Well, at least Dean had a lot of family to catch up with. Maybe he wouldn’t even notice Cas’s absence, at least for a while.

He wasn’t sure if that thought was reassuring or painful.

The first prayer came in much, much sooner than he hoped it would.

“Cas? I hope you got your listening ears on. I’m guessing you know by now that I didn’t make it much longer down there. Crazy that after all we went through, I get taken out by a damn piece of rebar. Well, what’s done is done and I’m here now. It’s been great seeing everyone, but I was kinda hoping to see you by now as well. Do you think you could take a break from your heavenly duties and come say hey?”

Cas swallowed back tears at hearing Dean’s voice for the first time since the night the Empty took him. Part of him told himself go, just GO, what are you waiting for he’s right there asking for you!

But the part of himself controlled by mortification and fear of rejection was still driving the bus, and he just couldn't bring himself to see Dean. Not yet. For now, he could pretend he heard nothing and continue with his work.

“Hey Cas, still haven’t seen you around. Are you really still too busy? Pretty sure you have an in with the guy in charge and can get a little time off, am I right? I just want to see you man. I can’t even describe how glad I am that you’re here and not stuck in the Empty. Maybe I didn’t make it clear enough last time, but I really want to talk to you. I wanna see you Cas. Please.”

The prayers continued with consistent frequency and varying tones. Sometimes Dean would pray just to tell him what he had done in heaven lately, who he saw, how his Baby ran like a dream. Other times he would pray to tell Cas how much he missed him, begging him to please just come talk to him, and Cas would let himself imagine he heard a hint of longing or desperation. Those prayers are the ones that tempted Cas the most, the ones that made him think maybe… just maybe if he talked to him, the result wouldn’t be what he’s expecting.

But then his memory would helpfully provide him with the moments in the past where Dean called him his brother, where Dean considered him his best friend and seemingly nothing more, and the fear took over again. He knew he meant a lot to Dean, and he believed that Dean did truly miss him, but he still couldn’t bring himself to go.

The breaking point came in what was meant to be a final, anguished prayer.

“Okay Cas, I get it, I’ve taken the hint. You clearly don’t want to see me. I know I must have done something wrong, and whatever it is, I’m sorry, god I’m so sorry. This is the last you’ll hear from me, but just so you know, if you ever decide you wanna see me again, I’ll always wait for you. I hope that wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, you’re happy. Goodbye Cas.”

Cas stopped what he was doing, took a deep breath, and told himself it was time to suck it up. Come on, you can do this, if nothing else you can’t leave it with him thinking you stopped loving him. He took a couple more breaths to try to calm his anxiety (did this really have to be another affliction to follow him from his time on Earth?), and then went to where Dean was.

Cas was standing on a beach behind Dean. Dean was right up by the water’s edge, staring out into the picturesque waves and perfect sunset. (The part of his mind not freaking out right now provided him with the knowledge that this was the exact spot Cas was creating when Jack came and told him Dean had arrived.) One more deep breath.

“Hello Dean.”

The speed with which Dean turned around startled Cas. He ducked his head quickly, unable to look Dean in the eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t come until now. I’ve been…. busy.”

“Bullshit.”

Cas’s eyes widened as he looked up. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that I don’t buy that. I’ve seen Jack more than once since I’ve been here, and he’s frickin’ GOD. I know you’re pissed at me. I know I fucked up. I know I should have tried to get you out of the Empty as soon as Chuck was taken care of.” Now that Cas was looking at Dean, he was startled to see tears in his eyes. “I can’t believe I didn’t even ask Jack if he already had. He said he was going to be hands off and I guess I just assumed that meant with you as well. I’m stupid, I’m so stupid Cas.” Cas paled, realizing he needed to make this right, or at least as right as he could.

“Dean, no. You’ve done nothing wrong. I’m so sorry I made you feel that you did. I wanted you to live a full life and be happy. It’s truly all I hoped for when I made the sacrifice I did.”

“Well then why the hell won’t you talk to me? You’re my best friend, you’ve been there for me for years, and then I fucking die and you just ghost me? I’ve seen so many people since I’ve been here, but the one I wanted to see the most couldn’t even take time off work to say hi. So tell me Cas, what am I supposed to think here?”

Cas looked away again. “I’m… I…”

“For fuck’s sake Cas, just spit it out.”

“I was embarrassed, okay?”

Dean looked startled. “Embarrassed? Why? About... what you said before? When you saved me? Did you not mean it or something?”

Cas sighed. “No Dean, I meant every word. I was embarrassed because I knew what the response would be, and I couldn’t bring myself to face it. You know that I value your friendship, and I never wanted to ruin that. Now, with everything out in the open, I just wasn’t able to handle, well, the mortifying ordeal of being known. But I regret letting my own personal feelings get in the way of our friendship, and I don’t want you to suffer in heaven of all places because of them. From here on out can we just forget about what I said and never bring it up again?”

Dean’s face as Cas talked made an indecipherable journey. Cas wasn’t entirely sure but it seemed to settle on some sort of angry resolve. He slowly began walking towards Cas.

“Is that really what you think I want Cas? To pretend you never said what you did to me? Well tough shit, because that’s not going to happen.”

Cas’s face fell. So much for hoping the embarrassment or fear were unfounded. “I understand Dean. I never should have mentioned it in the first place, clearly. I’ll leave you be now if you want, let you have your eternity in peace.”

Dean took the final step to stand directly in front of him. “Cas, you stupid son of a bitch.” He grabbed him by the lapels of his coat and pulled, and suddenly Dean’s lips were against his.

Cas stood completely rigid, not fully registering what was happening. Was Dean… kissing him? What? Did this mean…?

After a few seconds of Cas not responding Dean pulled back. “Uhhh Cas, is this not okay? Did I not get what you were saying? Oh god, did you not mean like… in a physical way? Was this some ethereal being crap that I don’t understa-”

Dean was cut off as Cas grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him back in, shoving their lips together once more.

Even while responding this time, Cas’s brain was still shorting out. Dean’s lips moved against his, his hands tangled in the hair at the nape of Cas’s neck, while Cas lowered his hands and gripped Dean’s waist, holding on for dear life. Through the fog, Cas was trying hard to convince himself this was real and not an insanely long and elaborate illusion put in place by Chuck.

After what felt like much too short a time, Dean pulled back again, keeping his hands on Cas’s neck and resting their foreheads together. “You know I’m not always great at talking about feelings and crap, but this is heaven so literally when else am I going to be able to say it? I love you Cas, I have for a while. I’m sorry I couldn’t get my head outta my ass to tell you before, because you could have. You could have had it. This. Us.”

Cas closed his eyes, grinning brighter than he ever felt like he had before. “I truly never thought I would hear you say that. I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you earlier. I was being an idiot.”

“We’ve both had our fair share of being idiots at this point, don’t you think?”

“Agreed.” Cas leaned in, kissing Dean softly. “I love you.”

Dean grinned. “Love you too. Now come on.” He grabbed Cas by the hand, entangling their fingers and dragging him towards the Impala. “We’ve got people to see, things to do, a life to live. Well, afterlife, I guess, since this is heaven and all… you know what I mean.”

Cas smiled softly as he was pulled towards his new future. “I do.”