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His heart ached.
Cal stepped out of the venator wreck and into the sunlight. The warmth of the sun’s rays greeted him graciously and expelled the harsh cold of the wreck that he’d left behind. He sat down at the ledge and let his legs hang over the edge, his eyes caught by Zeffo’s horizon.
He feels her presence at the edge of his subconscious from their connection and pressing closer, until the tension subsided. He hears the slight shift in her step behind him, the sound of her cape in the wind. “Chasing the dead again, are you, little Jedi?”
He doesn’t reply, and this strikes them both as odd. He was used to snapping back at her with his own sly remarks, but he can’t find the energy to deliver one, let alone think of one. And Trilla nearly strains her ears for that defiant tone in his voice that she loves to hear, but there’s nothing gracing her ears but silence, which tells her enough.
Something was wrong.
Trilla steps forward until she’s standing beside him, and Cal pays no mind to her presence. She hovers over him in silence for a moment, before asking, “What’s wrong?”
He shakes his head. He doesn’t know where to begin. His mind feels like a tangle of messy memories and emotions he can’t even begin to pull apart just yet. Trilla takes a seat beside him and the surprised gasp that escapes her when her legs fall over nothing but air almost makes him smile. Almost.
Sunlight dances across her form, warming the little of her skin that shows. She could feel the breeze along her legs, and she found herself wondering where he was. Trilla turned her attention back to Cal sitting silently beside her. It was worrisome how quiet he was being. She’s curious as to what caused it, but she wouldn’t press for details if he didn’t want to give them. She remains silent and sits with him.
“I was just in, uh...” The words build up in his throat, the harsh memories with them, and a lump forms. “... I was in a venator wreck and there was... a lot of... echoes . And... it just brought back a lot of memories.” He stares down at his hands and Trilla follows his gaze.
He had such a gift. Master Tapal had praised it and had encouraged him to be mindful of how he used it. It had a pathway to deep understanding and compassion, central to a Jedi’s life, but it also had a route to deep pain. There were moments that Cal adored the depth of connection he was able to have with the world and others. But there were other times, like this one, when he wasn’t sure if the benefits outweighed the turmoil it caused.
“Ah, yes, your psychometry,” she says quietly. “Do you want to tell me what you saw?”
He closes his eyes. “I didn’t just see it... I felt it. Every second of it, like if I was the person living it...” he said. “There was... a Master and her Padawan.” He opens his eyes. “The Master didn’t make it... and the Padawan, he couldn’t even make a pyre for her because it was too dangerous.”
Cal’s voice cracks and he swallows. His eyes glisten with tears, and concern rushes through her at the sight. The look on his face nearly tears her in two.
“It just reminded me of... my Master and I when everything happened,” he explains. “He... he sacrificed himself for me.”
They were silent for a moment. “I didn’t know that,” she says. “I’m sorry, Cal.”
“I am, too.”
“How long were you in there?”
He shakes his head. “A couple hours, maybe.”
“You should get back,” she whispers.
“I know. I just need a second.” He closes his eyes again. “I’m so tired.”
She takes a breath. “I know.” She knew the feeling a little too well.
“I just keep thinking if there was more I could’ve done... to save him...”
“You were a child, Cal. There was nothing you could have done.”
“I know.”
“I don’t think you do.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Did he brush off everything he felt this way? No wonder he was so tired... An idea forms in her mind.
“Cal.”
Cal turns toward her and looks at her for the first time since they connected. His skin looks like honey bathed in the sunlight and his eyes are a forest green she could get lost in for hours on end, but she pushes her awareness past everything she wants to memorize of him and presses her lips against his. He doesn’t freeze or flinch or back away from her touch, and it surprises her for a split second. What shocks her is the way, ever so gently, he responds.
Cal couldn’t say he had been expecting the kiss, but he wasn’t necessarily surprised by it. Throughout their countless connections, they’d found their insults and fights lined with something else, something warm and comforting and promising. It was only a matter of time before it surfaced. And here — after scouring through the venator wreck and feeling like an abandoned wreckage himself — with Trilla’s lips soft against his, Cal feels like he could breathe again. As if she’s breathing life into his collapsed lungs and performing a miracle.
Trilla can sense the weight of the memories pouring through his kiss, shivers of emotion washing over her. She leans into it with the softest touch of her consciousness against his, grasping hold of the tiniest amount of the pain lingering beneath the surface, and pulls it into herself. It’s small enough that he won’t notice a change until it’s done, but it’s enough to get him back to his ship.
To find solitude in a safer place where he could handle the onslaught of emotion.
His pain crawls its way into her system like poison in her veins, and she feels the pain of it almost immediately. It settles like a harsh weight in her chest and it twines its bane vines deeper and deeper until there are tears prickling at her eyes. She bites back a sharp gasp as the affliction floods over her, but it is nothing compared to what comes next. Flashes of images reunite with their emotive counterparts, and a vicious dreadfulness builds in her stomach. She pulls away from him and opens her eyes and the memories she’d glimpsed behind her eyes pull away to reveal his face.
Suddenly, she seems to see him in a new light. He’d gone through such hardship, such loss, and he hadn’t even tilted toward the dark. She was awestruck by his character. Cal was a shining light in the darkness, an eternal flame, even when the shadows had harmed him so immensely. Had she managed to underestimate his goodness?
When she pulls away, he feels lighter, and he knows she must’ve done something he wasn’t aware of. He chews at his lip. “What did you do?”
“I took some of your pain.”
His brows furrow. “You.... what?”
She shakes her head. “It’s not permanent,” she assured. “You can think of it as an inhibitor. It’ll be back in full force in a bit, but I thought it would help get you back easier...” She trails off. She hadn’t realized how intimate it sounds.
“Oh,” he says. “I didn’t know you could do that.”
She almost laughs. “You wouldn’t have. I don’t get to use it much.”
He tears his eyes away from hers. “Did you… see anything?”
“I did,” she replies honestly.
He nods. “Okay.” He doesn’t seem to mind that she’d seen something so personal of his. “Did it hurt?”
“Of course it did,” she replies, “but I wouldn’t worry about that, Kestis. I know my fair share of pain.”
Trilla feels the slip of the bond, the warning sign that they were about to be wrought apart again. Her chest twinges painfully. She didn’t want to leave him yet.
“I’m sorry about what happened,” she says. “You didn’t deserve that. No one does.”
Trilla stands. Cal reaches out immediately and his hand closes around the back of her calf. “Will you ever tell me about...?” He trails off, but she doesn’t need the rest of the words. She knows what he’s referring to: her own experience with the Purge, with Cere.
Her chest tightens further. “I hope to,” she replies. “Someday.”
“I’d like that.”
Trilla reaches down and runs her hand through his hair. He closes his eyes. She’s captivated that he’s allowing her to be this way with him, so open, so vulnerable. The Jedi she knew weren’t very responsive when it came to their enemies, but Cal always had a way of surprising her. She wonders when was the last time he’d allowed someone to touch him like this, if even at all.
She doesn’t know what leads her to do it, but she leans down and presses a kiss to his head. “Get back safe, okay?”
Trilla removes her hand and steps away from him, and Cal turns toward her. “Trilla?”
She turns her face toward him, and the sight of him nearly overtaken by light leaves her breathless. “Hm?”
“Thank you. You didn’t have to.”
She purses her lips. “I wanted to.”
He gives her a slight nod. “I hope…” he begins, almost hesitant. “I hope we can figure something out for... us .”
Us. Trilla rather liked the sound of it on his lips. It suggested they were on the same side together — a team. It said infinitely more about what he thought about her. She knew she didn’t deserve compassion from someone as kind as him, but it warmed her all the same.
And although she knew nothing of what the Force wills for either of them, she smiles gently at him anyway. “We will.”
As the bond disconnects, Trilla hopes the Force allows them to find each other again, to be together. She didn’t deserve it, but Cal did. And she hoped that was enough for the galaxy to give them something worth fighting for.
If not for her, then for him.