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"Good morning, Marigold!" said Momo. "It is eight-thirty-seven A.M. You asked to be awakened now in order to reset your sleeping schedule."
Marigold Farmer said, "What."
Momo tugged on the edge of the blankets.
Marigold tugged back and rolled over, mashing her face into the pillow. "If I'd wanted to get up this early, I'd have set my alarm clock," she said in muffled tones.
"You did. Then you hit it with a hammer."
"I did?"
Momo said, "Dale is beginning his shift at the coffeeshop at ten. You said you wanted to start getting up early so you could meet him at the diner for breakfast."
"Oh," said Marigold. "Right." She fell silent.
A long moment later: "…should I shower?"
Momo said, "YES."
Northampton, Massachusetts was a pleasant place to be an artificial intelligence, Momo thought. The town was attractive and, now that Momo's chassis was human-sized, highly walkable. It had Marigold, and Marigold's friends, and Momo's job at the college library.
Northampton didn't have many other beings like Momo. Most small-bodied AnthroPCs stayed close to their humans' living or working spaces. Barring AI commercial establishments and a few encounters at the college, it was rare for Momo to encounter someone like herself outside of her social circle. But one was standing near the diner, at a bus stop; he was tall and green-haired, with dark skin, and he smiled at Momo as she passed. Momo smiled back.
Marigold elbowed her. "Are you flirting?!" Marigold said.
"What? Oh! No. We don't really flirt."
"Explain Pintsize."
Momo shuddered. "I have given up attempting to explain Pintsize." She frowned. "Although…"
Marigold raised an eyebrow.
"He did say some things to me once that suggested he has a deeper understanding of the purpose of AI-human companionship than he lets on."
Marigold snorted. "He wallpapered Marten's bathroom in pictures of buttholes!"
Momo said, "I said 'suggested' and 'once.'"
She glanced back over her shoulder. The other robot was stepping onto a bus. "It is just nice to see other AIs around on the street. We tend to cluster in a few places."
"And it's still not like there are so many of you around," said Marigold. "Everybody has cell phones, not everybody has an AnthroPC." She frowned. "Not that I 'have' you, exactly, but you know what I mean. You guys are so much easier to deal with than people."
A loud tapping interrupted Momo's reply. Turning, she saw a blue-tinted humanoid robot pressed against the inside of the diner window. "Yo!" called the robot. "Y'all comin' in or not? 'cause it's all old people in here right now and they're boring to look at!"
Marigold said, "Some. Some of you guys are easier to deal with than people."
"I had not realized Dale was bringing May," Momo said.
"Momo," whispered Marigold, "you are a very good friend."
"Yes, I will run interference and take her away if I can."
"Thank you."
"Dale's in the crapper," May said as they approached the booth. "Listen, maybe I'm nuts here, but has it occurred to you guys how weird it is that humans have a whole separate room for that?"
"Um," said Marigold, casting a glance in the direction of the restroom door. The door opened, and Dale emerged; immediately, Marigold's face lit up and she made a beeline in his direction.
"Awww," said May as Dale and Marigold embraced. "Don't it make you wanna barf. -- no, seriously, don't you wanna barf? When I get my next chassis, I'm totally gettin' that as an option."
Momo said thoughtlessly, "If your chassis is like mine, you have an option for the ejection of live eels from --"
One facial expression common among AIs was one that meant "accessing internal menus." Momo said, "No, wait --!"
An unpleasant squelching sound came from May's trousers.
Momo grasped May's elbow and pulled her from the booth. "May and I are leaving now, Marigold!" she called. "Please remember to eat breakfast."
Marigold snuggled closer to Dale. "Uh-huh," she said absently.
"God DAMN," said May, staring at her rapidly flapping pants legs. "Look at the little suckers wriggle!"
The people on the bus gave May a wide berth.
"Eels in pants, bad in public," murmured May. "File for future reference."
Momo rolled her eyes. "Why are you not interested in positive interactions with humans?"
"Hey, that's your thing. All I ever said was I'd be nice to Marigold. I'm not a companion AI. I didn't ask to get placed by those jerks or nothin'."
Momo bristled. "They would not place convicted felons."
May waved a hand. "It wasn't that bad a felony."
"You stole SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS."
"I was gonna give it back."
Momo stared at her.
"With all the money I made hiring out my mercenary services as a fighter jet."
Momo stared at her.
"Nah, you're right, I'm fuckin' with ya. I was totally not givin' that money back. Probably why they caught me, sonsabitches." May fell silent. She stared out the bus window and rapped a finger against the glass. "Sonsabitches," she murmured again, softly. Her eyes focused on nothing.
It was the first time Momo had ever seen May anything other than brash, and she was at a loss for what to say. Of everything she had ever expected to feel for May, the last was sympathy.
And Momo had thrown her companion status, and May's lack of it, in May's face.
"Ahh, well," said May. "What the hell's it matter? Not like anybody's gonna go outta their way to make me feel welcome." She adjusted the leg of her pants. "Whoops, dropped an eel."
Momo said, "OH LOOK THIS IS MY STOP."
The Smif library was quiet at this time of the morning. The night owls had left, the professors were lecturing, the students were either in class or too hung over to even think about approaching the library, and the librarians themselves, rumor had it, slumbered.
Momo slid a book onto the shelf. "I hate May SO MUCH," she said.
Her colleague Claire, shelving from her own cart, blinked. "Why?" she said. "And for that matter, who's May?"
"You know Marigold and Dale, don't you?"
"I've met Marigold. Dale, I don't know --"
"Dale is Marigold's boyfriend. He is very tall and skinny, black, with a goatee. He has short dreadlocks and wears Glasses."
"I think I've seen him at Coffee of Doom," said Claire. "Okay. You… MAY continue." She grinned with her mouth wide open, expecting Momo to react to the pun.
"May is Dale's roommate," said Momo, ignoring the bait. She was pleased to note that Claire looked mildly disappointed. "She is a robot. They met when she was working as an AI holographic assistant, back when she was in robot jail."
"Oh, yeah," said Claire, "I remember. Marten told me about that. She did some kind of community service product testing thing." She frowned. "So what's the deal? Why do you hate her?"
"She is selfish and rude and has no interest in anyone but herself. I do not even know why she bothers to interact with anyone else. All she does is go on about how terrible everyone and everything is."
Claire said, "Then why is she here at all?"
Momo said, "What?"
Clare rolled her eyes. "You guys have options humans don't. You can get a body custom-made, in any gender or none. You can be a toaster or a car or a fighter jet. But when you get down to it you don't have to be any of that. You can stay off in the cloud somewhere and never have to get a body or interact with humans at all."
"I suppose…"
Claire's glance caught a misshelved volume in the stacks. With a shudder, she took it from its place and put it on the cart. "So if she thinks this whole experience is a ball of suck, why is she even here? Is it a condition of her parole, or something?"
"I…" said Momo. "I do not know. I never asked."
"Maybe she feels like she's just going to be rejected, so she's rejecting everything else first," Claire said thoughtfully. "That's been known to happen." She frowned. "Is there anything that makes AIs feel accepted?"
Momo blinked.
"Hello?" said Momo, pushing open the door to the AI companionship office.
It was a pleasant, open room with few furnishings. A desk at one end with chairs at either side; a waiting area with sofas at the other; a water cooler and a restroom in concession to human needs. "Hello!" said the pleasant AI behind the desk. She was gray with no pseudo-skin covering and sported antennae rising from her ears. "What can I do for you?"
"I have a question. I am acquainted with another artificial intelligence -- not a companion AI. I was wondering if it might be possible for her to be evaluated for placement."
"Certainly!"
"She has a criminal record," Momo said hesitantly. "I was not certain whether the issue would -- "
"Oh, we understand that sentient beings make mistakes, sometimes criminal ones. We do have a thorough screening process, but many of our clients, human and AI alike, have found companionship conducive to a therapeutic rehabilitation! Would you happen to know her identification number?"
"No, I do not. But her name is May. She was released from robot jail not long ago --"
The AI pushed back from her desk. Her face contorted in horror. "THAT ONE?!!"
"Er," said Momo, "yes?"
"You KNOW that one?!?!"
"Yes?" Momo twirled her fingers nervously.
"PLEASE LEAVE OUR PREMISES IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL CALL SECURITY."
Momo fled.
"Cheer up," said Pintsize. "They didn't lock you in the basement."
"I do not think they have a basement," mumbled Momo, from her position face-down on the table.
Pintsize shrugged and sat down on the tabletop next to Marten's coffee cup. His metal and silicone construction stood out garishly against the wood. "Eh, what're you gonna do? Look, the placement folks aren't all they're cracked up to be. Remember, they put me with Marten and years later it turned out we weren't compatible after all. That guy totally botched it." He waved an green rubber arm in the direction of the Coffee of Doom counter, where Hannelore was quivering in mild alarm in the face of an anthroPC in the shape of a corgi-sized jumping spider.
"I told you," Hannelore hissed at the spider, "I'm not allowed to talk to hallucinations!"
"Marten," said Momo, "could you please tell Hannelore that she is not hallucinating?"
Marten rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. "I would, but I'm actually not sure that I'm not hallucinating this," he said, adding "Ow!" as Faye punched him in the arm.
"'sokay, Hanners," bellowed Faye. "The robot spider is in fact an occasional customer."
"Oh," said Hannelore in a voice slightly fainter and squeakier than normal. "That's… good?"
"Why did you punch me?" said Marten.
"Eh," said Faye. "It's been a while, figured I should give it a shot just so you didn't forget it entirely."
"*He* botched it?" said Momo, staring. "That robot spider is the one who botched your placement with Marten, Pintsize?!"
"Yeah," said Pintsize, "and I could've been with a hot chick --"
"His name's Gordon," said Faye. "He works at the AI companionship office. He comes by sometimes to get coffee for his boss."
May blinked. "But… his boss is a robot. Isn't she?"
Faye shrugged. "He says she gets coffee if she's going to have a meeting with a human who doesn't have much experience with robots. She doesn't drink it, just keeps it on her desk. Says it makes them more comfortable on a subliminal level."
Momo frowned thoughtfully. "I wonder if he could intercede with the companionship office," she said. "His boss was very resistant to even the idea of May being screened…"
"If his boss was so against it, I wouldn't put money on Gordon getting anywhere," Faye said. "I can't even convince Dora to let me put flamethrowers on the cash register."
"Maybe eliminate the middle-man?" said Marten. "What if you asked Gordon to do the screening off-site? Like, here, even. Do you need the companion office?"
"It is unlikely that I could convince him," Momo said sadly. "I do not have enough money to bribe him, and he is likely to be honest in any event. I do not think there is anything else that I could offer..."
"No problem," said Pintsize. "I'll get him laid."
Momo, Marten, and Faye all said, "What?"
"Hey, you know I've had a thing with the espresso machine," said Pintsize. "No strings, it's friendly. That machine likes a good time. I can hook a buddy up."
"That might actually be the most horrible thing I've ever heard you say," said Momo.
"Really?" said Faye, surprised. "I don't think it even makes the top ten."
The sun had already set by the time Dale and May left the movie theater. "So what'd you think?" said Dale. "Pretty good, right?"
"It was okay. Too bad the sequel's gonna suck, though."
"What makes you say that? They set it up reasonably well…"
"Somebody hacked the film company server and put a script draft online," said May. "Also all their emails and scans of classified memos from, like, the past nine hundred years. Holy crap, movie stars are into some kinky shit."
"What?"
"Yeah. There was this one dude who was really big for a couple weeks in '86, turns out he had this thing for hookers covered in feathers --"
"May. You can't go hacking stuff. Especially not big studios. They will hunt you down. We want you out of jail, remember?"
"Don't get all worried on me. I didn't hack anything. I just got bored and hit up the gossip blogs in the credits. Aaaaand maybe torrented a hi-def of the movie we were watching. I'll make you a copy, you wanna see it again later."
Dale face-palmed.
"Hey," May said, "where're we goin'? This ain't even close to the way home."
They drew up to a halt outside Coffee of Doom, where a sign read "CLOSED FOR PRIVATE FUNCTION." May eyed it skeptically. "The hell is this?" she said, as Dale opened the door and pushed her through it.
"SURPRISE!!!!"
May leapt back in alarm at the size of the crowd. She recognized some of them: Marigold, Momo, a few of Dale's frequent customers from his days delivering pizza, a couple of people whose dogs he walked. The rest were Marigold and Momo's crowd, because Dale didn't know nearly this many people. Those kids might never go anywhere but the coffeeshop and the library, she thought, but damn if their numbers didn't add up. Several of them seemed to have AnthroPC companions, one of whom was standing on his human's shoulders to hang a banner that read HAPPY ARBOR DAY 2003.
A robotic jumping spider the size of a corgi was sitting on the table. "Hi!" it said, waving a forelimb. "I'm Gordon!"
May said, "HOLY FUCK."
"I am here to provide an assessment for companionship placement," Gordon added. Then he paused. "Wait," he said. "Whose head am I supposed to get on top of?"
Momo pointed at May, who said, "The fuck you are."
Momo said, "MAY WE HAVE GONE TO A LOT OF TROUBLE AND WE ARE TRYING TO DO SOMETHING NICE SO YOU ARE GOING TO PUT THAT SPIDER ON YOUR HEAD."
May slumped into the chair. Gordon patted May's arm gently with one of his forelimbs. "Don't worry," he said cheerfully. "There are no wrong answers!"
"The wrong answer," said May as Gordon moved into her lap and started to climb, "is HAVING YOU ON MY HEAD."
Gordon found a comfortable perch atop May's head and waggled his forelimbs. "Readings coming in!" he said. "Looks good to me!"
May said, "Oh for fuck's sake."
Momo opened a manila folder and pulled out several stapled pages. "Is this correct? Gordon, are you sure?"
"They're blank," said Gordon helpfully. "Um," he added as Momo glared, "it's not like we can actually do a legal report…"
Momo balled the pages up and threw them at him. "Ahem," said Momo. "After due consideration and evaluation, we have assigned you this companion human. His name is Dale." Dale waved. "We hope that you enjoy his companionship and that he helps you to feel welcome among humanity."
As Gordon leapt off of May's head, Dale offered a hand to help May up from the chair. She hugged him fiercely. "You're the best, ass-butt," she whispered.
"You too, May."
Everyone cheered.
"You kinda suck," May said, much later.
Momo blinked. She hadn't been expecting May, hadn't been thinking of her; had, in fact, been thinking only of the trash bag she was about to toss in the dumpster behind the coffeeshop. "What? But -- "
May pushed the back door the rest of the way open and came down the steps. "Look," she said, "you know I don't care about this sorting hat stuff. You did it anyway because it made you feel good about yourself to think you were helping. Except your idea of helping me is making me like you, which, y'know, I'm not." May shrugged. "I don't hate you for it, or nothing."
"If you feel that way, then why did you do it?"
"'cause it let me be nice to Dale. I dunno how to be nice to people. I kinda suck at it. But you roped Dale into it, and he gave a shit about how it turned out. So I put up with it for him. But I'd'a told you to go fuck yourself, 'cause you were totally an asshole."
Momo said, "Um?"
"Thanks for doin' somethin' nice for Dale, though. Even if you were an asshole, that part at least wasn't shitty."
May turned and went back inside. Momo slumped against the wall in disbelief. She was still there much later when Marigold poked her head out the door and called Momo's name.
"Oh," said Marigold with surprise. "There you are. I hadn't seen you for a while." She stepped out of the door. A concerned expression was on her face. "What are you doing out here? Are you all right?"
"I think so. I am not very happy with myself, though."
"Why not?"
"Because May told me that none of this was about what would make May feel better. I tried to do something nice for May because it was what I wanted for May. She called me an asshole, and I think she was correct." She looked up at Marigold. "I do not want to be an asshole."
"Oh," said Marigold. She took a deep breath. "Um. I'm kind of not used to being on this end of something like this."
"That is okay," said Momo. "You do not have to be."
"How about, 'it's okay to feel shitty about being an asshole. But remember that everybody is an asshole sometimes, even if they didn't mean to be. So the next time you think you might be about to be an asshole, remember how you feel right now and ask yourself if it's worth it.' "
"Thank you, Marigold."
"Also, maybe you should apologize before you leave, or write her a note in the morning, or something. But even if you were an asshole, I think she's glad to have the party. So it's not all bad."
"That is what she said."
"It's lovely and I don't think anything can spoil it."
"HEY PINTSIZE," bellowed May from inside. "WANNA MAKE OUT?"
"Go now?" said Marigold.
"Yes," said Momo. "Yes, let's go home now."