Chapter Text
They decided on adoption.
Mr. Ouyang had been a friend of Nie Huaisang’s late father and didn’t live too far from the house Huaisang had grown up in. The baby would be his and his spouse’s only child. Nie Huaisang would be able to visit, if he wanted, and Jiang Cheng could go too.
It could be a semi-open adoption arrangement or not, whatever they all agreed they needed once the whole birth part actually happened. It made sense.
Jiang Cheng had always liked where Nie Huaisang's neighborhood was. Lots of trees. He thought it seemed like a nice place to grow up, and down the street a little way wouldn't be too different. Also, they already knew the public school system was decent, having both graduated from the brick-and-mortar box called a high school just over three years ago. It had been ok for them, so it just made sense it would be the same when it got time for their kid to go to school too.
Thinking about high school made Jiang Cheng reflexively remember avoiding Mr. Lan and his nephew, and cringe. The teacher had hated having Jiang Cheng, Nie Huaisang, and Wei Wuxian together in his classes. He had always forced them to sit apart, pre-emptively sent his brother to detention, and/or used Lan Wangji to track them. Now Mr. Lan might have to teach this kid someday – his and Huaisang’s child who was also Wei Wuxian’s nephew – as one whole, singular person. Absurd.
He imagined his child – this future human made up of parts of him and parts of Nie Huaisang – born and out in the world. It gave Jiang Cheng a strange almost buzzy sensation (Or, feeling? Was this actually a new feeling? Or just a stress-induced sensation in his head and stomach? It’s so hard to know.) at the thought.
As it happened the whole birth thing occurred at 1:26 pm on a Thursday.
Well, for Jiang Cheng it started when he got the text ‘Hospital. Now’ from Nie Mingjue at 6:12 am. He wondered when the last time was that Nie Huaisang was awake at 6:00-something am on a weekday? Yet, now he was fully awake and pushing out a baby.
They had stationed Jiang Cheng in-between a white-faced Nie Mingjue and a cooing Jiang Yanli. Huaisang had gripped onto Jiang Cheng’s forearms to crush something through contractions. Mr. Ouyang had stuck his head in the room to say he’s, “Just outside the door if you kids-, er, if you guys need anything,” before quietly resuming his wait in the hallway with Wei Wuxian and Madam Yu.
Jiang Cheng tried to imagine his mother in a hardback hospital chair waiting with her adopted son on her right and the man who would adopt her grandson on her left. Absurd. Hilarious. Jiang Cheng thought he might throw up.
“Jiang Cheng,” Nie Huaisang panted, and Jiang Cheng recognized the prickling sensation of danger with having Nie Mingjue centimeters away from him right now. “Remember how I was sorry when you broke your arm helping me save that cat?”
“Grumpkins the cat, you called it, yeah.”
“I’m not sorry. It was your own fault that day and you deserved it. And I am in pain that you will never know.”
“Yeah, I think that is mostly fair?”
“A-Sang,” Jiang Yanli leaned closer to the bed as soon as Huaisang spoke the word ‘pain’, “You are so brave. You are doing so well. I know its hard, so hard, and you need to own that. Just also own how incredible you are being.”
Yanli’s motivational speech was…corny and bad, but also well-meant. Jiang Cheng knew they all felt better having her in the room to hold them steady emotionally. Even though she was wide-eyed and overwhelmed herself trying to offer comfort to everyone else, especially to Huaisang, of course.
“Thanks, Yanli-jie,” Huaisang murmured to her, rather sweetly in spite of the panting. Huaisang had always adored Jiang Cheng’s sister, it was one of the many small things Jiang Cheng had always liked about him.
“We’re almost there. Nie Huaisang, just a couple more good pushes and you’re done! Soon you’ll be out of this bed,” the obstetrics nurse encouraged. Even though she’d said almost the same thing ages ago.
Then, all at once, there was a long pained sound and a sharp baby’s cry as Huaisang released Jiang Cheng’s arms. He felt blood circulating to his hands again as he awkwardly looked at Huaisang not sure what to say (something, like, “Good job? Thank you for putting in all the work on this one?”).
Jiang Cheng saw the nurse fussing with the baby in his periphery, but it was too intimidating to look over at their child, so he kept his eyes on Huaisang’s sweaty face. Huaisang seemed to just gaze at the ceiling for a few moments while Jiang Cheng stared at him, self-consciously.
Nie Mingjue patted his brother’s shoulder tentatively and Jiang Yanli gushed praise over him, “You did it, A-Sang! You are amazing. We love you so much.”
“A healthy boy,” the nurse said to them, to him.
Jiang Cheng turned to the nurse and realized he was in deep with that strange, buzzy feeling (sensation?) consuming his brain. Nie Huaisang still had something more he had to do (“afterbirth?”) and they wanted someone to hold the baby. The nurse looked at Jiang Cheng when she asked for volunteers. He looked back and kind of said he could do it.
So, she placed the baby in his arms and he looked over the little body, soft and wrinkly. The skin was so red it looked almost purple. For a moment he just held the baby feeling buzzy and weird. Everything happening was a bit scary and gross. And the newborn was wailing so loudly right into Jiang Cheng’s left ear. Then Jiang Cheng realized he wanted to cry too – cry along with his child – and maybe kiss the little wet, mushy face.
Something in him ached, bottomless and ready to engulf him. His baby was his in this moment.
They had decided on Zizhen for the name, well the Ouyangs has suggested it, and it had seemed a good enough option at the time. Jiang Cheng had kind of nodded, kind of shrugged to consent when they were all in the Nies’ living room. Could be worse right? Ouyang Zizhen. Sure, ok. However, now…
As long as he was holding Zizhen, as long as his baby was in his arms, Zizhen was his. He could keep his child safe and warm right here against his chest, somehow, somehow he could.
A wrecked sleep cycle wouldn’t be too bad for a little while, university could be workable with firm time management theoretically, and diapers are something lots of people do. Jiang Cheng could figure out diapers too, he’s not an idiot, there are instructions on the box.
His father would never see his baby, he would never see his son as a father. But, Jiang Yanli and Wei Wuxian could. And they could help him, help them. He and Huaisang could get married too, if Huaisang would agree...
“-eng. Jiang Cheng. Er, do you, need a little more time?” Huaisang was speaking to him, but he barely registered the words. Adrenaline and something too close to panic in his veins as he cradled their baby to his chest.
Wei Wuxian’s face was peering in at him through the glass panel of the door. Mr. Ouyang was behind him, waiting. Waiting for Jiang Cheng to hand over Zizhen, but could he really let his own baby pass through his hands? Did he even have it in him to let Zizhen go?
5 Years Later
“I’m around the corner, there’s a concrete pillar. Can’t miss it.”
“Ok.”
“See you soon.”
“Right, just a sec.” And he clicked to end the call.
He turned down 6th Avenue and, Huaisang was right, he was impossible to miss. Huaisang was leaned against said pillar, holding his cell phone lightly in his hand. Something about him was sleek and elegant. Confident. Jiang Cheng stood for a minute soaking in the sight of him, after so long.
He had been so angry for so many years, not really at Huaisang necessarily he realized, but at the unfairness of all of it. Why couldn’t they both be ready then? Why couldn’t Huaisang want to keep Zizhen as much as he did? Why couldn’t he want to keep Jiang Cheng and build an awkward family of two best friends/lovers and a baby together? Maybe they hadn’t been in love in a real sense, Jiang Cheng could accept that now, but, they had always been friends which was more than his parents had been. It could have been…companionable.
Now, though, looking at Nie Huaisang, maybe Jiang Cheng could understand. The Nie Huaisang in front of him was new and sexy and magnetic. He was elegant and sleek in a way he could probably never have grown into, made himself into, if he was chained to Jiang Cheng and their baby in their hometown.
After a moment to suppress whatever this realization was that he was experiencing – he approached him.
“Huaisang,” Jiang Cheng said.
“Wanyin,” Huaisang turned, replying before fully looking at him. Then their eyes met, and Huaisang’s gaze roamed over Jiang Cheng. He wondered if Nie Huaisang found him at all changed. If he also felt things he’d rather not.
Huaisang smiled just a little, “You look good.”
“Your hair is longer,” Jiang Cheng replied.
“It is.”
They just stood together for a beat of time, then Huaisang filled the space with a question, “So, do you want to get coffee? I know a place, pretty good stuff.”
“Ok.”
They walked in silence, it was only a couple of blocks. Huaisang seemed…nervous. Like he was trying to suppress being nervous. This may be a new Huaisang, but someone who had seen him before tests and presentation for years of formal education could recognize the shadow over his face. It felt weird but good, but also a bit sad to still be able to read him. Jiang Cheng was so bad – abysmal – at reading most people. Except for family. He could read his family.
Jiang Cheng wished suddenly he hadn’t said he was free all afternoon until 4:00 pm, he might need an earlier escape from this.
Entering the little shop he noted murals all along the walls, some chalkboard specials, and vibrantly painted chairs to sit on beside mismatching painted tables that were all claimed by other patrons. Huaisang ordered himself something called an iced London Fog with almond milk, and asked Jiang Cheng if his order was still the same as it had been since they were eighteen. Jiang Cheng nodded and pulled out his wallet while Huaisang said, “and a medium black coffee with vanilla syrup, otherwise black.”
“I’ll pay Huaisang.”
“Why?” Huaisang glanced at him from the corner of his eye.
“Why not?”
“I suggested the place, I should pay or split it.”
Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes and attempted humor, “Got it, how about I pay now since I have my card out, and just begrudge you forever for it later?”
Huaisang laughed, but said cooly, “That sounds a bit right I guess. More like us.”
Jiang Cheng looked at him for a moment, but couldn’t think of a way to salvage what he knew had come out wrong, somehow, along the way. He wasn’t fully sure what or how, so he just handed the cashier his card and added on the tip. Huaisang picked up their drinks from the counter in bright orange to-go cups and indicated towards the door.
They sat on a bench outside the coffee shop, it had been painted teal with interconnecting flowers once, but now it was a bit peely looking.
“Other than this afternoon, how long are you in the city for?”
Jiang Cheng wondered if this was the moment he should invent an escape route to get out of this catching up thing they were doing?
He looked at Huaisang for a beat, working his brain to think up an excuse, while taking in his glossy hair flowing around his shoulders, his sleek form-fitting clothes, and his knowing eyes. Then he just said the truth, “Until Wednesday. The conference is over Tuesday night.”
“Hm,” Huaisang took a sip of his drink, “How is your sister?”
“She’s good, actually, they just adopted a dog. Little Fairy. I have pictures.” Nie Huaisang had always liked Jiang Yanli and animals. That seemed safe.
He scrolled through his camera roll until he saw A-Ling beside the ball of fur that would someday grow up into a dog. “The caption had been ‘A baby with a baby.’ A-jie has her hands full with three needy brats now – a puppy, a toddler, and Jin Zixuan.”
He found himself smiling down at the photo, Jiang Yanli was good. Really good and happy. It felt nice to share that with someone who cared about her, or, who once cared about her and still remembered her.
“Ah, cute.” Nie Huaisang glanced at the picture for half a beat before looking intensely at his hand around his drink, as if he was inspecting his fingernails. His nails looked immaculate to Jiang Cheng, but who knew. Maybe Huaisang was just like that now.
“It’s windy. We should go inside,” Huaisang added almost absently.
“Ok,” Jiang Cheng would rather face the autumn chill than wait for two painted chairs and a table to open up in the packed little coffee shop they’d left, but so be it.
“How far away is your hotel?”
Ah.
It wasn’t far.
Just fifteen minutes with the subway.
As they stood beside each other on the terminal, Jiang Cheng wondered what Nie Huaisang intended. How far he wanted to go. Yet, he couldn’t make himself ask.
Even when he had slid the key card in to unlock his room and Huaisang pulled at his shirt. He couldn’t ask, he couldn’t really bear to know.
Lying in bed after, neither of them looked at each other, just staring into their own distant thoughts. Yet, Huaisang kept running his fingers through Jiang Cheng’s hair.
“Why don’t you leave?” Huaisang asked.
“What?” Confused for a moment if Huaisang wanted Jiang Cheng to vacate his own hotel room.
“Home. You always said you wanted to live in a city someday. And it would be easier to commute for work trips with public transportation and airports, right?”
“What, and miss seeing your brother nearly every other time I go to the grocery store? Ha, I don’t know if I could live in a world where I was safe from his constant threatening invites to hotpot.”
“He told me he invites you over sometimes.”
Jiang Cheng thought of Nie Mingjue calling his brother to tell him he had his baby daddy over for dinner. Absurd. At the Nie house, Mingjue would have the television going on in the background for some kind of sound to counterbalance their otherwise silent dinners. After food, they’d each get a beer from the fridge. Then, Mingjue would ask if Jiang Cheng had seen Zizhen recently, and Jiang Cheng would answer him. Following that Jiang Cheng would ask if Mingjue had gone to the Ouyang’s house since the last time they had hotpot, and Mingjue would tell him. Always in that order. Then Jiang Cheng would toss his empty bottle in the recycling bin and drive back to his condo.
“It’s fine. We’ve been fine. Now that he thinks his little brother is safe from me. It might change if he knew about…” This? He couldn’t name what they’d just done, even when they were still naked, sweaty, and leaned against each other.
“He always liked you –” Jiang Cheng turned to meet his eyes and scoff at that, but Nie Huaisang insisted, “He did. Just, like, less so during the just-shy-of-teenage-pregnancy thing we did.”
“If you say so.”
“I do, if he didn’t, you never would have gotten away with it.”
“With what?”
“Knocking me up and living to eat another hotpot.”
“Haha, funny, Huaisang.”
“I’m a funny boy, you know me,” he smiled a bit, then added softly, “Aside from bonding time with my brother, the city has more to offer. It’s why I found my way here. You could too.”
“You know…actually maybe you don’t, I don’t know what Mingjue or the others tell you about what I do anymore. But, I see Zizhen every other Friday, at junior cultivation club. He started last year when he turned four. And sometimes on the weekends, when he has competitions, I go too.”
“…You really are so good to the ones you love, A-Cheng. Loyal in what you do for them and give to them. You just mean so well by it all. I know you do. So how is it your kindness always cuts me deeper than your anger? If you were yelling at me like back then, I would throw it back at you again. I could shake you off. Yet, when you just go soft over your nephew and his puppy… Or talk about Zizhen like that, like of course it would be this way, I just…I don’t know. I really don’t know.”
Huaisang stopped playing with his hair and slowly moved to untangle himself and get out of bed.
6 Months Later
Jiang Cheng held A-Ling’s hand. He was too young to understand. However, someday he might remember being three and wish he had said goodbye to his parents. Or, maybe, he would hate Jiang Cheng for not knowing how to protect him from all the chaos and fear of these weeks.
They – Meng Yao, Lan Wangji, and Jiang Cheng – agreed to shield him from the sight of their caskets, the wake, and the funeral. The uncles took turns waiting in the kitchenette in the funeral home basement. When all three of them served as pall barres, Qin Su stayed with Jin Ling and played him videos on her phone.
Mo Xuanyu called from across the country to pay his respects to his late brother and sister-in-law. He asked about Wei Wuxian and how long his recovery might take after…after surviving the accident. He also offered to send some kind of alcohol and fruit-based gift basket for him. Jiang Cheng had snapped that the last thing his brother needed was booze or sympathy.
Jiang Cheng was grateful his brother was alive, he didn’t think he could survive the weight of losing the three of them. Yet, he was on fire with anger too. Wei Wuxian had been the pilot with Jin Zixuan as the co-pilot.
They had once – to Jiang Chen’s annoyance at the time – bonded over a love of being in the open skies. Had either been careless and made a stupid mistake? Why was Wei Wxian always so reckless? So fearless? When the people on board were all precious, including himself?
Wei Wuxian hadn’t been drinking on the flight, he wasn’t that stupid. But, he could have been hungover or so tired it was as if he was drunk for all Jiang Cheng knew. Wei Wuxian didn’t take care of himself. So convinced of his own invincibility, that luck was always on his side. And Wuxian was always so naturally talented - all the damn time - and could solve any problems he encountered, except for that night in the sky when it mattered most.
The worst part was that Wei Wuxian had offered the flight in that tiny plane to be nice to Jiang Yanli. To fly her and her husband across the country to see some boy band as a gift for their anniversary. Wuxian had given up his weekend and a vacation day to make it happen, to make her happy (and her husband too, but he was secondary).
He didn’t want to hurt her or for her to die. It was an accident. Turbulence and air pressure or some other term Jiang Cheng didn’t understand. It was a lot even for an expert flyer who was familiar with the flight path, they’d all told him. And Wei Wuxian and Jin Zixuan were hobbyists at best in a little plane.
Wei Wuxian had just lost control for a moment, and it was over. Jiang Cheng had never sat in the cockpit - too impossibly scared of flying and leaving the ground to attempt it - so he could only grumble and feed his bitterness.
However, A-Ling’s hand was warm in his. The little boy beside him was so small. Yet it was like his presence grounded Jiang Cheng to the earth itself.
“Jiujiu. Hungry.”
“I have rice crackers if you want?”
A-Ling shook his head.
“What do you want?”
A-Ling shook his head again.
“A-Ling? What do you want to eat?”
“Happy pancakes.”
Ah, Jiang Yanli had known how to make pancakes in all kinds of shapes, “happy pancakes” that her son loved to eat with her.
Jiang Cheng didn’t think he had “happy pancakes” in him, but he just said, “Ok, let’s go.”
He wondered if the diner could do something special, maybe not shapes, but certainly, they had whipped cream and stuff like that.
He turned to his mother, and said, “A-Ling.”
She nodded stiffly, not looking at them, but having already heard their whole conversation. He kissed her cheek in goodbye and then his aunt’s. His mother would spend the following days close to her sister. The guest bedroom (that had once been Jiang Cheng’s room) would be set up for his aunt as if it was any other family gathering. Absurd. It made something painful rise up in Jiang Cheng's chest. There were so many ghosts in his family home now.
When he was in the hall helping A-Ling into his little red coat, he heard his name.
“Jiang Cheng,” he turned around, the Nie brothers were behind him.
“Er, we wanted to pay our respects. Our respects for Yanli-jie. And give our condolences to you,” Huaisang said wearing all black. It was a rather sedate outfit, but he looked extraordinary in it as Jiang Cheng supposed he was apt to now with everything he wore. Nie Mingjue nodded roughly behind him.
“A-Ling,” Huaisang said, “your mom was incredible. The best person, really. She was unconditionally there for me, for everyone, when we needed her. I know she’s so proud of you and loves you so much.”
A-Ling looked up at Huaisang, he barely knew him. Might have only met him once before by a chance encounter.
Jiang Cheng nodded, putting on his own coat, “Thanks.”
“If there is anything you need. Then, let us know. We’re here.”
“Thanks, Huaisang. We’re good. Unless you know how to move around car seats and make happy pancakes, I can handle the rest.”
Huaisang’s face shuttered and Jiang Cheng wanted to sigh. What now? Why did he always have to take what Jiang Cheng said as an attack? Even when it was actually just the things that Jiang Cheng needed, and would have wanted to ask for from a friend – any friend – offering?
Huaisang licked his lips, seemingly unsure how to respond. From behind him, Nie Mingjue asked, “Where’s the car seat?”
“The trunk of Meng Yao’s car. They’re giving me the one that used to be…the one that A-Ling is familiar with. They have two in their car already set up for Little Rusong and A-Ling.”
“Ok.”
In the middle of the funeral home parking lot, Nie Mingjue and Jiang Cheng wrestled a car seat into the back of his small and completely inappropriate coup. The dealership had called it sporty and compact, if secondhand, but now Jiang Cheng just wished he could smash the car up like so many other things in his life.
Eventually, it was ready, Jiang Cheng triple checked it. Unless it was perfect, he wasn’t putting his nephew inside.
“Thank you,” he said to the car seat, but his words were really directed to Nie Mingjue since he’d been the one to finally force the thing in place.
A-Ling stood beside Qing Su with her phone directed at him as Meng Yao described correct install procedures and helped approve the safety checks. Nie Huaisang mostly watched the proceedings unfold from the side in silence.
“We’ll follow you,” Huaisang said, not looking at him.
“Where?”
“Home. You want happy pancakes, right?”
“Huaisang,” Jiang Cheng felt a headache coming or maybe a fight, “I didn’t mean you actually had to-”
“I’m offering,” Huaisang said as he turned to look at him, “Why not?”
Jiang Cheng looked at him for a moment and then just nodded, tired. “Fine, you know the way. I still live in the condo complex by the park, you know the one, off Baling St. Unit 12A.”
Meng Yao carefully approached Jiang Cheng as they loaded their nephew into the car, “We can pick A-Ling up whenever you want.”
“No, it's ok. I want to be together with him. I’ll text you his mealtimes and bedtime when he falls asleep.”
“Yes, thank you, I know it seems a bit much, but it really is helpful. It’s good for him to be with all of his family now. Keeping us all in sync keeps us sane and him in a somewhat stable routine. I’ll keep an eye out for your text.”
Jiang Cheng only nodded, as he entered the driver's seat. He shifted the car into gear, and distantly tried to remember how to put bedding in the crib Meng Yao had dropped off the evening before, when he saw Huaisang by his passenger side window.
“Are you good to drive alone?”
“Yeah,” Jiang Cheng knew these roads and this car. It would be more unsettling to have Huaisang beside him, “anyway, you’re not home enough. Your brother needs to catch up with you when he can.”
Huaisang laughed a bit, but it had a watery sound. Almost like he was not quite crying, but before Jiang Cheng could register it, he was gone.
The drive was quick, almost disconcertingly so. It would have felt better to have hours of time between Jiang Cheng and the funeral home where he had seen his sister for the last time. Instead, it was about ten minutes and then he was pushing back his seat and carrying A-Ling inside with the beige diaper bag slung over his left shoulder.
Huaisang and Mingjue were behind him by the time he got his keys out to unlock his front door. Huaisang didn’t look like he’d cried or anything on the ride, so he shook away the thought and just ushered them inside.
“This is it.”
Seeing them standing in his living room/dining room/kitchen space was disconcerting. He felt vulnerable. He kind of wished they’d given him time to pick up the place, even though there wasn’t actually much to clean. He missed the secure feeling he got when he could inspect his home for flaws before opening it up for other people.
“Do you have pancake mix?” Huaisang looked around.
“Uh, yeah, I think so.”
“Food dye?”
“Nope, I know I don’t have that.”
“Any toppings, fruit or chocolate?”
“I have frozen blueberries and a couple of bananas on the counter I use them for my morning shakes. Only chocolate would be breaking up some old protein bars. I had gotten them on sale. Don’t recommend the brand, taste too sweet and also like dirt at the same time.”
Huaisang smiled, “Now, those sound like the winners to me.” Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes as he adjusted the diaper bag.
Then Huaisang turned to Mingjue, “How do you make pancakes at home?”
Mingjue gave instructions in his low voice, looking at Jiang Cheng the whole time. Which was… weird? Right? They never really looked at each other. Even when Mingjue invited him for hotpot and as they ate said hotpot, they mostly didn’t look at each other or speak. (Unless it was almost time for him to leave and about Zizhen.)
Jiang Cheng adjusted A-Ling’s weight on his right hip. The toddler seemed sleepy and out of it since the car ride. Did it lull him into an almost nap? Would it be ok for him to nap now or would that break the schedule? Jiang Cheng itched to text Meng Yao for agreement or instructions but was also repelled by the idea. I have babysat A-Ling before, I can do this. I know what to do.
“I’m going to check A-Ling’s pull-up. Feel free to use anything you want. Pantry is to the left. Mixing bowls are under the right side of the cabinets. Large spoons above them in the drawer. Chopsticks, regular spoons, forks, and knives across from the sink. The pans are hanging on the wall – as you can see.”
By the time Jiang Cheng returned with A-Ling he could smell cooked oil from the skillet. He had the toddler in a clean diaper, tiny sweatpants, and a t-shirt with dinosaurs, replacing his dirty pull-up and his little formal sweater and slacks. Jiang Cheng kind of struggled, a lot. Why make formal toddler clothes so hard to take off? It had taken a while for him to struggle through, too long maybe. Neither of the Nie brothers said anything.
They were standing around his kitchenette set, plates already laid out. Huaisang was leaning over the table adding decorations to the pancakes they’d made.
Huaisang smiled as he presented A-Ling with his options: a couple of smiling pancakes with faces formed out of banana slices and soggy blueberries, a pancake that seemed to be in the rough shape of a pawprint with more blueberries demarking toe beans, and a couple of purple-gray pancakes shaped kind of like stars that had evidently been dyed by blueberries defrosting in the batter.
A-Ling chose the pawprint, probably because it was the only one like it on the table. Just like that, they sat together and ate. Jiang Cheng found himself aching to turn on the TV, it always helped so much whenever he and Mingjue needed to ignore each other over food before.
Bizarrely, Mingjue himself broke the silence to address Jiang Cheng, “Next Friday. Is that one of the weeks you have plans?”
“Yeah,” he said.
“Good, come to my house first before you go over.”
“Sure, alright.” Jiang Cheng said, feeling worn-out. He could do that, Nie Mingjue had helped him with the car seat and the pancakes for Jin Ling. (He had the feeling that Mingjue did the cooking and Huaisang the decorating). If he wanted to go together to see Zizhen practice cultivating in the elementary school gym, to see his nephew, that was fine. Why not?
Huaisang just smiled at Jin Ling and offered him more banana slices.
One week later
Jiang Cheng had gotten so used to going to Nie Huaisang’s childhood home and him not being there, that it was startling to see him sitting on the front steps.
“Where’s Nie Mingjue?”
“He’s out. I’m the one who wanted to go tonight.”
“Oh,” Jiang Cheng replied, then after a beat, “we have to drive to the elementary school.”
Huaisang nodded and pulled on the passenger side door before Jiang Cheng could think of anything else to say.
The drive was eleven minutes maybe, the Nie house was much closer to the school than Jiang Cheng’s condo or own family home was.
Jiang Cheng led them through the now familiar route from the parking lot to the gymnasium. He hadn’t gone to this school since the Jiangs had moved to town at the start of middle school. This place didn’t have memories for him other than watching Zizhen and his friends learn to cultivate. However, Huaisang had gone to school here. He tracked him from the corner of his eye, but Huaisang just looked mildly at their surroundings.
“I didn’t think you’d be back, so soon.”
“I wanted to check on Wei Wuxian. I knew I’d plan to come back today to do that. This – also – just made sense. While I was here.”
“Sure,” Jiang Cheng did not feel sure. He felt a familiar little trill of anger in his chest. So, this was an afterthought. Huaisang had changed his week around to see his idiot brother. And tacked on seeing Jiang Cheng and the kid on the way out of town.
Wei Wuxian would be fine by the way, Jiang Cheng had thoroughly interrogated his doctors even if he still refused to enter his brother’s room when he was awake. Unable to bear the mortification of breaking down and crying in front of his hospital bed when Wei Wuxian could see him do it.
“The county hospital is so small, as small as ever, really. Especially compared to the hospital complex I walk by on the way to my studio space now. Although when I checked in there to…have a baby, it had seemed so big. Like it would swallow me up and I’d never escape.”
Jiang Cheng looked at him, and wondered if this was a moment he should stop walking and face Huaisang. Or, would that make it weirder?
Then he settled on slowing his pace and saying, “Yeah.”
Huaisang quickly passed him, he hadn’t slowed or stopped. Huaisang just kept his pace steadily moving forward. It wasn’t far to the gym, just two large metal doors remained in their way painted a dark orange.
“These doors used to be green.”
“Did they?”
“Yes,” Huaisang said as he pushed through them. The gymnasium was small and the junior cultivators even smaller, ranging in age-based groupings. All eight to ten-year-olds were under the right basketball hoop. The six to seven-years-old were in the middle. Four to five-year-olds were clustered by the left basketball hoop.
Zizhen stood to the far left, almost directly under an old banner listing school victories from half a dozen years ago. Jiang Cheng pointed him out with a nod, “He’s there.”
He watched Nie Huaisang take in the child, his soft brown hair that looked like Huaisang’s and his happy laugher with his little teammates. It was too far to see from the door, but they both knew his eyes were gray, like Jiang Cheng’s. It wasn’t like Huaisang didn’t already know what he looked like. Huaisang showed up for holidays and those sort of things. Visited Nie Mingjue and then went to see Zizhen at some point. Jiang Cheng didn’t know the details – they didn’t coordinate with him certainly – but he knew it happened. Yet, somehow, Jiang Cheng couldn’t look away from Nie Huaisang as he watched Zizhen.
“A-Sang!” He turned to see Mrs. Ouyang calling for Huaisang.
“Have a seat with us,” She said and patted the bleachers. So they did. Jiang Cheng didn’t usually sit with the Ouyangs or anyone, he tended to stand by the orange doors. However, they were family friends with Huaisang and had watched him grow up, it made sense for them to sit together.
Huaisang made pleasant conversation for thirty minutes while practice started and ended for the younger kids. The older ones remained to train longer, but Zizhen was dismissed and walked over to them.
“A-Zhen!” Mrs. Ouyang smiled, “A-Sang is here to see you. So is Jiang Wanyin, you’ve seen him around here. They want to say ‘hi.’”
“Gege hi,” he says to Huaisang, and again to Jiang Cheng, “Gege hi.”
Jiang Cheng isn’t sure the last time he was so close to him, probably New Years'. He usually watched practice from the doors, saw Zizhen pack up and leave with the Ouyangs, and then walked to his car by himself.
Jiang Cheng just stared at him for a moment, he was getting taller, it felt so real up close like this.
Huaisang smiled, “Hi A-Zhen. Did you have fun out there?”
Zizhen nodded, before squatting down to rub his head against Huaisang’s knees. “I like training a lot,” he said.
“Haha, I wish I was the same. A-Cheng here is though. Right, A-Cheng?”
“Yeah, I do.”
Zizhen looked at him from where he was nearly sitting on Huaisang’s feet.
“Are you strong, gege?”
“Yes,” he said, before internally cringing at himself. He couldn’t explain it, but for a moment he wanted this little boy to think that he was strong, wanted it to a nearly humiliating degree.
He expected Huaisang to laugh or joke at him, but Huaisang was silent. Then he whispered, “Yeah, I can confirm, he is strong.”
“What does ‘confirm’ mean, gege?”
“Ah, like, I agree.”
“A-Sang,” Mrs. Ouyang chimed in, “we were planning on taking A-Zhen to get ice cream after practice. Why don’t you join us? You too, Jiang Wanyin.”
“That sounds lovely if you really don’t mind us tagging along?” Huaisang asked.
“Not at all.”
Ice cream was a three-minute drive or a five-minute walk from the school. It felt silly to take their cars on a light spring evening, so they walked. Huaisang and Mrs. Ouyang in the front discussing some art thing, after them came Zizhen holding hands with Mr. Ouyang and talking about ice cream toppings. Jiang Cheng walked behind just feeling the warm breeze on his face and watching how it passed through to ruffle Huaisang’s hair and Zizhen’s.
“It’s my treat,” Jiang Cheng said as they entered the ice cream parlor.
Mrs. Ouyang looked at him with evident surprise, clearly not expecting him to offer.
“Thanks, A-Cheng,” Huaisang said.
“Yes, thank you. Can you say, thank you to Jiang-gege, A-Zhen?” Mrs. Ouyang asked while her husband grabbed the group a table by the front windows.
“Thank you, gege.” And all at once, Zizhen was at his side, tugging at his hand. Something in Jiang Cheng’s chest twitched.
“Ah, that’s enough, sweetheart. Give him some space.”
“No, it’s ok,” he reached out and patted his soft hair. Had he ever been able to do this before? Jiang Cheng wasn’t sure, “Would you like to climb up for a better view? My nephew is only a little younger, he likes that. To be able to look down on the world from a higher place.”
A-Zhen looks at him, with gray eyes so similar to his own, considering.
“How tall will I be, gege?”
“Very tall.”
“Ok. Up, please.”
It was easy. He was a bit bigger than A-Ling, but he fit just right against Jiang Cheng’s hip.
Once he was in his arms, Zizhen loudly confided into Jiang Cheng’s ear, “I want cotton candy.”
“What?”
“Cotton candy swirl ice cream, with the flat and round sprinkles, gummy bears, and chocolate sauce.”
“Yeah, we’ll get you that then,” Jiang Cheng said, nodding and patting Zizhen’s back like he did with A-Ling.
“Ah, well, no. That’s a lot of sugar. A-Zhen gets one or the other when it comes to toppings. He can have vanilla ice cream and confetti sprinkles or vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce in a cup. Or, a single flavor like chocolate or strawberry in a cone.”
He looked at the child in his arms, “You’re trying to play me to break the rules, huh?”
“Yep.”
“Well, it worked. I’ll get your order so you can have a spoonful. Plus you get whatever else you want that you know you can order.”
“Ok, then I want strawberry too. In a cone.”
“That’s ok, right, Mrs. Ouyang?” Jiang Cheng asked.
Mrs. Ouyang looked noncommittal at that, but said, “Sure. Sure, that’s fine. A-Sang?”
From the corner of his eye, Jiang Cheng saw Huaisang jump at his name, “Oh well, there are so many choices. I don’t know. Hm, what do you recommend?”
“I’m partial to the praline flavor.”
“Ah, yum. I’ll try it too. A-Cheng what about you?”
“I’m having cotton candy with confetti sprinkles, gummy bears, and chocolate sauce.”
“Oh, right! I just heard you say that, haha.”
“Mr. Ouyang likes strawberry,” Mrs. Ouyang said.
So, they ended up sitting at the vinyl table together with two scopes of praline in cups, two strawberry ice creams in cones, and the colorful monstrosity Zizhen had dreamed up in front of Jiang Cheng.
Zizhen took the spoonful Jiang Cheng offered and nodded vigorously with the spoon in his mouth. He handed it back to Jiang Cheng while smacking his lips together saying, “Yummy, really yummy.” He reminded Jiang Cheng of a happy cat and also of Huaisang.
Then Zizhen turned to the strawberry cones Mr. Ouyang was holding in each hand. Mr. Ouyang leaned the one to the right down for Zizhen to latch on to.
“A-Zhen likes strawberry just like daddy,” Mrs. Ouyang said.
Zizhen nodded, “It’s my second favorite.”
“Not your favorite? What is then?” she asked.
“Cotton candy,” he beamed at Jiang Cheng.
In that moment, Zizhen looked just like Jiang Yanli. He had inherited his aunt’s smile with all her sweetness, her warmth, and her openness. When she had directed it at him, it had always made Jiang Cheng feel like maybe he was enough just as he was. Jiang Cheng felt buzzy and sick like his world was falling apart and also perfectly ok.
He smiled back at Zizhen, and just said, “They sell the good stuff here.”
“The praline is really great too,” Huaisang shared with the table.
“It is. It’s my favorite,” Mrs. Ouyang said, but Jiang Cheng caught her looking uncertainly at him.
Jiang Cheng was suddenly struck with the suspicion that she might not like him.
He confided as much to Nie Huaisang after he carried Zizhen on his back to the Ouyangs’ car, waved a long good-bye, and slipped into his own driver’s seat.
“She never really did,” he said, thoughtfully.
“Why?”
Huaisang glanced at him, “She thought you might have ruined my life. And that you were, like, rude and angry all the time. She wasn’t really wrong on those last ones though,” he chuckled.
Jiang Cheng frowned, he found himself more upset than he thought he should be. Lots of people judge others based on first impressions, and he knew he hadn’t made a great one with the Ouyangs given the pregnancy and his personality. Yet, he felt disquieted that someone who was raising his son disliked him.
“Though the first…” Huaisang continued, “It's probably the other way around. I’m probably the one who ruined your life.”
“What does that mean?”
“If you don’t think I did, then I don’t want you to know.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Da-ge is off with Xichen-ge, some concert or something. That’s why he didn’t come with us tonight. Do you still remember how to sneak out of my window in the morning? You could park down the street. Or, should we go back to your place?”
Jiang Cheng drove them back to his place. It just didn’t feel right to sneak around Nie Mingjue’s house now with the hotpot and beer thing they did sometimes. It seemed like he would be lying or something. Even though Nie Mingjue would probably never ask so Jiang Cheng would never have to lie or reveal how he actually felt about Huaisang.
Six Years Ago
Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan got married by the ocean on a strip of land by the Jin family beach house. Jiang Yanli looked beautiful exchanging vows with the sand and sky around her, Jin Zixuan looked ok too - the scenery and Yanli-jie’s happiness helped him a lot Jiang Cheng thought.
Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian had walked her to her groom, side by side. It was a non-traditional wedding, but beautiful and special. Most importantly, A-jie was happy. She stayed side-by-side with her groom the whole night, radiating peace and contentment.
Meanwhile, Wei Wuxian spent the night dancing with everyone and bothering Lan Wangji with inane questions about what life was like at his university. All through high school, Lan Wangji was their class President and Mr. Lan’s nephew, he had spent his days ignoring his brother or scolding him or monitoring his detentions.
Yet, even Lan Wangji must have a spot of nostalgia during times like these. Or, not seeing Wei Wuxian every day made his tolerance threshold for ridiculousness higher. Either way, he indulged Wei Wuxian’s questions and teasing as if he had never even hated him at all.
Nie Huaisang was there too. Of course. As he should be.
He and Jiang Cheng had had their first kiss together the summer after high school graduation, just to know how to do it. So they’d have some practice with someone they trusted, to give them an honest critique, before they went to different universities and met new people.
Jiang Cheng did not meet new people. Well, technically he did, but not new people he liked the way he liked Huaisang. For the first time without Wei Wuxian he realized how hard it was for him to make strangers like him and for him to like them. He missed the comfort of his routine with his brother and Nie Huaisang, the warm welcome of people who just knew him, and got him, and still wanted to spend nearly every minute of the day with him. He went on a couple of dates as a first-year, but he decided it was hard to be “boyfriend material” and also be Jiang Cheng.
His brother and Nie Huaisang seemed to have no such issues adjusting if their social media updates were anything to go on. Wei Wuxian had joined some kind of "diabolical" "secret society" with Wen Ning from high school, which was weird and also made sense. Wen Ning seemed determined to follow his brother everywhere, even the gates of hell, or worse, from looking at the pictures: illegal house parties decorated in fake Spirit-Attraction Flags and real cobwebs, with “Burial Mound punch,” and tattoos courtesy of their drunk frat buddy who had a tattoo gun for the “lols.” Wei Wuxian now had a jar of Emperor’s Smile tattooed on his ankle or at least something that kind of resembled a jug or a donut. Wen Ning had allegedly wanted a tree on his forearm, but all the lines just looked like his veins had turned black.
Nie Huaisang had become an illustrator for his school’s poetry magazine and university newspaper. He always seemed to have people liking his comments and updates. He even dressed a bit differently now. Nie Huaisang had usually worn some mix of hand-me-downs from his brother and thrifted stuff he liked. Sustainable. Affordable. And Jiang Cheng thought he knew how to make it all look put together. Now, Nie Huaisang seemed to have found a passion for bright colors and tighter pants. He made them look good too.
Jiang Cheng, however... For the one who had always wanted to go away, who had aggressively told anyone who would listen that he hated the borning-ass, dead-ass town they lived in, Jiang Cheng felt something mortifyingly close to homesickness. He missed the warmth of friends who laughed at his anger until it faded, and then he'd join in the laughter. Felt an almost grossly intense longing to eat dinner with his sister and (mostly begrudgingly) watch her soapy teen dramas. He felt the pull to visit the familiar places he’d hung out with people he cared about - the one diner in town, the graveyard near Wen Ning and Wen Qing’s grandma’s house, even the comic book store Nie Huaisang and Wei Wuxian loved because there was animated porn in the back.
-
At the start of summer break before sophomore year, the comic book store was one of Wei Wuxian, Nie Huaisang, and Jiang Cheng’s first meetups together.
Over the summer months that followed, kissing Nie Huaisang escalated to touching over clothes, then touching under clothes, and finally they had sex. In Nie Huaisang’s bedroom with painted figures in art prints watching them. Allegedly, Jiang Cheng had asked Nie Huaisang if he could stay in his bed forever and also marry him at some point during that night. Jiang Cheng vehemently denied these claims after. In the morning, he had snuck out the window when he heard Nie Mingjue wake up to use the bathroom.
It was around this time that Jiang Cheng realized he was probably in love with Nie Huaisang. Or as close to it as he would ever feel about anyone.
They had sex again in Jiang Cheng’s bedroom and again in Huaisang’s. So, it had been three times. Then, fall semester started and Jiang Cheng had not come home for fall break because of an opportunity to interview for an internship at a large equities firm in the city. He couldn’t remember which one it had been now, just that it had been impressive and in a magazine or something at the time.
Yanli-jie’s wedding over winter recess was the first time they were seeing each other since, since the three instances of the sex. And since Jiang Cheng knew he was probably in love with him a little.
-
Huaisang was standing by himself, besides a little fountain where non-alcoholic lemonade bubbled up, a little away from the dance floor. Hard lemonade, and other alcohol, was only accessible via the bartender checking ids. They were twenty, not quite legal to drink, but they had before together with Wei Wuxian.
“Is that alcohol mixed with virgin lemonade?” Jiang Cheng nodded to Huaisang’s cup and suddenly felt embarrassed saying ‘virgin’ to Huaisang, after everything.
Huaisang turned to him and nodded, “That’s the trick to it, yeah. Seven-eights the ‘hard stuff.’ Want a sip?”
And Jiang Cheng did. He took the glass and drank, looking at Huaisang.
Huaisang flushed, but his eyes were sparkling and mischievous. He loved to think up little plans to do things like that, and he liked it even more when Jiang Cheng or Wei Wuxian would catch him and keep up with the game. It felt good to see through Huaisang’s pranks and planning, to be in on it with him.
“Do you want to get out of here?” Jiang Cheng asked him. Excited. Afraid.
“Sure, yeah. Let’s go.”
So they went back to the Jin family beach house. He felt like they were sneaking in even though they weren’t. Jiang Cheng had a room there for the wedding and was technically family now (as mixed as his feelings were at the thought). The beach house was a perk of Jin Zixuan being his in-law now.
So they kissed on the guest bed Jiang Cheng had been assigned. The sheets were flannel and every centimeter was busily patterned with different kinds of shells. Huaisang laughed about how garish and unironic the design was when he laid down on them.
Zizhen was conceived that night, during the wedding reception between those ugly sheets.