Work Text:
Your name is Equius Zahhak, and though you are still very STRONG, you are also, in fact, quite dead. You (don’t) live in the Dream Bubbles that your Glorious Princess so kindly and graciously created for you and your many departed friends. You like to pass your time, and maintain your STRENGTH, by taking long walks through various Bubbles, and that is exactly what you are doing right now, when you find yourself in what appears to be a hive, but much less colorful. Ah, it is in fact one of those dull human hives, and you find yourself standing among four white-eyed humans.
June: oh, hey! equius right?
Equius: D --> I am he. And who are you
June: um, i’m june, this is my house, welcome! you may have known me by my old name, but we talked a few times before i died, or at least, i talked to a version of you. i’m ectoBiologist.
Equius: D --> Oh. Yes I have spoken to you
Equius: D --> Not...you you
June: haha! yeah… well anyway, this is dave, rose, and jade.
The three other kids wave awkwardly.
Equius: D --> Tell me, humans, why do you have a wood-plant inside your hive
Equius: D --> What is the purpose of these little orbs you have encumbered it with
Equius: D --> Why have you placed several small fires just above the large fire? Is the b100d of your species so WEAK that you require many fires to maintain proper
Equius: D --> Body temperature
June: haha! no, those are just decorations! we were actually just having a little holiday party, uh, do you wanna join us...i guess?
Dirk: Psst…
You think you hear a noise behind you.
Dirk: Psst… yeah, you, horse-troll dude…
You turn to see a fifth human now hovering at the edge of the room. He resembles the Dave human, but pointier, and draped with a very striking black velvet cape.
Equius: D --> Are you speaking to me, human
Equius: D --> Though I do appreciate your recognition of my kinship to the noble musclebeast, you shall address me by my name as is fitting of my station
Equius: D --> Or I shan’t respond to you again
Dirk: Haha, oh Equius, I’ve missed you.
Equius: D --> I do not know you, pointy human. I demand at once that you tell me who you are and what your purpose is for so rudely interrupting this
Equius: D --> Holiday party
Dirk: I’m Dirk. One of you used to be half of the sprite for one of me. Good times. Anyway, I got you a Christmas present.
Equius: D --> A what present
Dirk: OK, so Christmas is like Twelfth Perigee’s Eve but for humans. And also nothing like that. Don’t worry about it. Basically, it’s a human holiday where we get really drunk and bring trees inside to decorate and hang socks on the fireplace and give each other presents. Well, when I say we, not me, I’m Jewish…
Equius: D --> What is Jewish
Dirk: Dude, that is a much longer conversation than we have time for, it's already gonna be hard to fit all this in within the word count. But the point is, for better or worse, Christmas pretty much dominated Western Earth ritual and pop culture in the last couple of centuries before the apocalypse, disproportionate to the number of people that actually adhered to the religion of its origin. So, this is gonna be a Christmas story, cause there’s just a lot more stories about Christmas to go off than any other human holiday. It’s cool though, I like the chocolate oranges.
Equius: D --> I am losing patience for your nonsensical human banter, musclebeast boy
Equius: D --> If you have a gift for me, present it at once, and then please leave my sight
Dirk: Haha, man, you really are hilarious. We should hang out more. But OK, your superior bloodedness, here you go. Merry Christmas.
Dirk retrieves a horrifying, grinning, vaguely humanoid object from within his cape. It is wearing a little toy soldier outfit for some reason, probably something to do with the human Christmas story Dirk was referring to. He hands you the WRETCHED thing.
Equius: D --> What is this, some sort of human doll for human wigglers
Equius: D --> I have no interest in this
You toss the creepy human doll onto a nearby human chair.
Dirk: First of all, Lil Cal is a puppet, not a doll, rude. Second of all, he’s awesome and extremely capable for an inanimate object, and can be pretty devious too. I’d keep an eye on him if I were you. Well, OK then, that’s the macguffin successfully delivered to the protagonist, so I’m gonna head out. If you need me, I’ll be lurking in the background as a reminder to the audience of the framing device of this little vignette. Later.
Dirk floats just a few feet away to behind the large Grandfather clock in June’s living room, and, as promised, just sort of lurks there. You stare in confusion for a few seconds before deciding to get back to the party.
June: um, well that was kinda weird, but you, know, that sort of thing happens around here, haha! anyway, help yourself to some snacks!
June motions to the coffee table, on which sit a bowl of mixed NUTS and a plate of cheese and CRACKERS. Just as you are reaching for some cheese, you hear another strange sound behind you. You turn to look just in time to see that the room is, for some reason, being overrun with a swarm of mice lusii, one of which is very large and wearing a crown. The four human kids make various noises of displeasure and run away, but you are surrounded. You drop your cheese in hopes to assuage them, but they just keep coming.
Equius: D --> Dirk human! I demand you tell me the meaning of this
Dirk: It’s all part of the Christmas story, bro. And trust me, the mice thing did not make any more sense in the original. But it’s cool, I got your back.
Just then, from the other side of the Bubble, a battalion of long-nosed and large-rumped puppets, all dressed in little toy soldier costumes, march in and take up battle with the mice. It is an absolutely ludicrous and nonsensical scene, but entertaining enough you suppose. Lil Cal rises from his chair, draws his little puppet sword, and leads the puppet army to victory, dealing the final blow against the mouse king himself. All you can do is just stand for a moment, looking on in horror at the mouse blood and polyfill carnage surrounding you.
Dirk: Oh, I forgot to mention, your actual Christmas present is more of a fun, whimsical Christmas Quest. You should probably get started if you want to catch Cal before racking up too much of a word count. He went that way…
Dirk points off into the void, and only then do you notice that the creepy soldier puppet is gone. You think about how ridiculous this is getting already, but you are not one to pass up a great heroic QUEST, so you shrug and head off.
Soon enough, you enter another Bubble, this time finding yourself on a tall cliff by the sea.
Vriska: Oh, hey Equius! Wasn’t really expecting to see you here, 8ut I guess you can hang out for a 8it if you want……..
You look up and see your old friend Vriska hovering nearby. She is wearing a rather short, sleeveless white dress, with her fully formed translucent blue wings stretched out behind her. You pull a towel from your sylladex and wipe your brow.
Equius: D--> Hello, Vriska
Equius: D--> That is
Equius: D--> A fine dress you are wearing
Vriska: Oh, thanks! Yeah, this was originally for my Fairy cosplay, I just felt like wearing it today for no part8cular reason. So what’s up?
Equius: D--> I have been tasked with a great Christmas QUEST by the Dirk human
Equius: D--> I seek a particular puppet in human military regalia
Vriska: Oh! OK, I was wondering what that was a8bout! Yeah it just passed through here. Man, that thing is super creepy……..
Vriska: It went that way.
She points ahead. You give her a polite but STRONG nod, dab your head again, and continue.
The next Bubble you wander into contains a splendid golden city of many palaces and spires. You suppose this must be a vision of Prospit. You stroll along the golden street until you encounter your old friend Tavros.
Tavros: oH, iT’S yOU,
Tavros: eQUIUS,
Tavros: hELLO,
Tavros is wearing a particularly striking bedazzled suit, and holding a bright red cape over his arm. His Tinkerbull lusus is flittering about, occasionally diving at the cape. This would all seem very Spanish to you, if you had any concept of the Earth country of Spain.
Equius: D--> Tavros, I command you to tell me at once if a human soldier puppet has passed through here recently
Equius: D--> It is for a very important QUEST
Tavros: oH, uM, yEAH,
Tavros: i sAW tHAT gUY, tHAT yOU’RE lOOKING fOR,
Tavros: hE wAS, vERY cREEPY, aND dISTURBING,
Tavros: i’M, gLAD hE’S gONE,
Tavros: hEY, dO yOU, wANT sOME cHOCOLATE?
He reaches out with a Chocolate bar, for some reason, so you snatch it out of his hands without formality, as is your right as his superior.
Tavros: oW,
Tavros: oK, sO, tHE tHING wENT, tHAT wAY,
Tavros: gOOD lUCK,
You leave in the direction indicated, starting in on your chocolate bar as you go. You soon find yourself wishing you had some milk.
The delicious chocolate taste and the ensuing dry, sticky mouth sensation distract you as you walk, so you don’t even notice how far you’ve gone until you appear to have left the Bubbles behind entirely and are approaching a massive Green Sun.
Aradia: hey equius!
You turn towards the voice.
Equius: D --> Oh, it’s you, lowb100d
Equius: D ---> I mean, my apologies
Equius: D ---> It’s, good to see you
Equius: D ---> Aradia
You pat your newly dampened face again with your towel.
Sollux: 2up?
Equius: D --> Oh, yes, hello, Sollu%, I didn’t see you there
Sollux: iit’2 cool, ii’m u2ed to iit..
Aradia: yeah, he’s fine, he’s with me. want some Coffee?
Equius: D --> Actually, I am currently undertaking a human Christmas QUEST of great importance
Equius: D --> But I suppose a brief repose to enjoy a warm refreshment won’t hurt
Aradia: oh yeah, don’t worry, this is all part of that! this was originally supposed to be the arabian section, but that particular bit of the source material is actually pretty racist, so instead it’s the aradian section! get it? but i still brought the coffee!
Equius: D --> I do not get it, but thank you, I will take the coffee
Equius: D --> I don’t suppose
Sollux: miilk? here.
Sollux is holding a bottle of fresh musclebeast milk that you could have sworn he was not holding a moment ago. But you take your cup from Aradia and then gratefully hold it out to Sollux to whiten your coffee with that sweet, sweet mammary nectar that keeps you so very STRONG. You take a sip. Delicious.
Aradia: so how is the christmas quest going? did you find the puppet yet?
Equius: D --> Alas, the cursed thing has thus far eluded me
Equius: D --> But I remain close on it’s trail
Equius: D --> And rest assured that I shall subdue the foul harlequin promptly
Dirk: Hey, just remember to keep an eye on that word count…
Dirk reminds you, popping up out of nowhere.
Aradia: oh! yes, you should probably get going to the next thing! don’t worry, we de-racist-ified that one too. good luck!
Aradia grabs your mug and gives you a push, waving and smiling frantically as you float backwards uncontrollably. A moment later, you land on a soft pile of...snow? No, it’s not cold. You press your finger into the substance and put it in your mouth. It’s sugar. You know where you are- you’ve been here before, and that means…
Nepeta: :33 < equius? is that mew?
You look up and lock blank dead eyes with some version of your moirail.
Nepeta: :33 < *nepeta pounces on equius and gives him a big hug!*
Equius: D --> Nepeta, please, you do not have to describe your action while simultaneously performing said action, it is redundant and quite preposterous
Nepeta: :33 < lmeow! youre purrposterous! arent you glad to s33 me? 33:
Equius: D --> Yes, of horse, though I would be all the gladder if you could learn to behave with a bit more decorum. You haven’t by any chance seen a horrible laughing puppet come through here, have you
Nepeta: :33 < no, no pup-pets, but i just purred some Tea if you want some!
Equius: D --> Well, I suppose I could spare a few moments
Equius: D --> Since my previous beverage was so unceremoniously ripped from my hands after scarcely a mouthful
So you sit for a few moments and enjoy a nice cup of milky tea with Nepeta.
About halfway through your second cup, you spot the Dirk human lurking behind a nearby sugar mound. He looks at you and taps his wrist, on which there is no watch, and then points.
Equius: D --> Nepeta, you will e%cuse me, I must continue my QUEST
Nepeta: :33 < will you come back after? 33:
Equius: D --> Don't be so f00lish, you know that even with all my STRENGTH, I cannot direct the bubbles. You will surely encounter another EQUIUS before long. Farewell
Nepeta: 33:
You very carefully pat her head before continuing in the direction that Dirk pointed. Soon, enough, you spot the awful puppet just a few Bubbles ahead.
You pass through Terezi’s hive, unfortunately witnessing her licking the red dragon head on the top of her Cane, muttering something about how it tastes like Candy. You pass your friend Eridan, who is just eating something, you think it’s Marzipan? You pass three more gathered humans, one of which is baking little Ginger pastry humans at such an alarming rate that they are filling the room and overflowing from the pockets of her apron. You pass your Glorious Princess, Feferi, swimming about and tending to her colorful underwater Flower garden.
You do not stop to speak with them, because you do not want to lose sight of the puppet, and also because the Dirk human has gotten in your head with all his talk of word count, even though you still don’t know what that means. You just keep walking.
Finally, you find yourself back in what appears to be the same June human’s hive, still decorated for the party, but the dead mice and puppets are thankfully gone, as are the humans. It is dark now, except for the warm, dim lights strung around the wood-plant. You look up, and have to furiously wipe your face from the shock and frustration, as you notice that the horrible puppet is sitting right back on the chair where you threw it. You slowly approach, as to not scare the thing away again, but it just sits there, once again inanimate. You pick it up.
Behind you, the Grandfather clock strikes midnight. You turn to see that Dirk is once again lurking just behind it. You hold up the puppet towards him, and he floats down to approach.
Equius: D --> Here, I have completed your Christmas QUEST. I demand that you give me my reward
He takes Lil Cal and stuffs him back into his cape.
Dirk: I never said anything about a reward. The reward was the fun whimsical time you had along the way.
Equius: D --> What even was the objective of this QUEST then
Dirk: To have a fun whimsical Christmas time, like I said. You did it. Good job.
Equius: D --> Well, this was truly an absurd waste of time then. Did we at least meet the word count
Dirk: Oh, no, we are way over the word count. But who cares? It’s Christmas.
Equius: D --> I still do not think I understand your human Christmas
Equius: D --> I am going to
Equius: D --> Leave now
Dirk: OK, see you next year.
You walk away from the strange human and his horrid little puppet friend, hoping you do not run into them again next year, or ever, really.
And a very Merry Christmas to one and all.
The End