Work Text:
--
Shadows fill an empty heart as love is fading
--
The first days after returning from the dead for the second time, Adam spent with his brothers in the bunker, awkwardly fitting together in a space that was so big and so small at the same time. It became clear rather imminent that it wouldn't work out, that despite what may have happened and what had been forgiven, there just was no room for Adam in their lives.
Especially not when two of them were mourning someone so close to them while a third was cradled in the knowledge that though healing came first, his loved one was waiting for him out there.
Adam packed up his things before the first week was over, he didn't even properly say goodbye to his brothers, not even knowing what he could say to both men who shared part of his blood but were admittedly total strangers. So he left them a piece of paper on the map table, explaining a little but not enough probably, he took the papers Sam forged him and the money Sam had insisted on and the car Dean had insisted on.
And with it, Adam left.
--
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?
--
He went to college, far away from the Midwest with its loaded memories, chose California because it was always warm and most often sunny and ever since... Adam was cold a lot. He threw himself into his studies, threw himself into student life and immersed himself in all the things he hadn't been able to the first time around. He got a job to support himself and worked hard on finding a balance between being young and being a good student.
It's what Michael would have wanted.
He told himself that line often, every time the doubt came or the pain flared up again, every time he thought he could be drowning in grief he reminded himself that Michael would have wanted only the best for him. Michael would have wanted him to live, to enjoy every second of another granted chance, to work hard for what he wanted but never stop to see the small things, too.
He had talked with Dean about it, in a conversation that had ultimately hurt them both more than it could have helped. Both of them were missing angels, both of them were missing their best friend but that was about where the similarities stopped, at least in Adam's opinion. Dean was living a life for two now as well, enjoying every moment and seeing the good in even the smallest things, for Castiel, but he also had the question of what could have been hanging over his head.
Adam didn't.
Adam had known what it felt like to love and be loved in return, how it felt like to have someone understand you on such a deep level that words couldn't describe it anymore. Dean and Castiel had undoubtedly been close but Michael and him... they had been one. For years on years they had only had each other, had learned each other's best and worst sides, had shared fears and hopes and dreams. They had changed each other, improved each other, brought out the best in each other.
They had been best friends, they had been in love, they had been so much more.
Been just one.
Adam wasn't just mourning the loss of his best friend, he was mourning the loss of a part of himself, missing half of himself.
--
Change the colors of the sky
And open up to the ways you made me feel alive
--
Dean died on a Thursday towards the end of Adam's freshman year of college, Sam called him about it in the afternoon of his last exam. Dean had already been given a hunter's funeral by then but Sam had wanted to give him a memorial get together after all and had hence wanted to know if Adam wanted to come, too.
He had wanted to say no at first, because it should have been a day for Dean's friends to say goodbye, for those people to get together who had known him and could share something about him. Adam hardly knew his brothers enough to scram even one positive story together, let alone one that would give credit to the great man Dean had been.
But Sam had sounded so small and quiet on the phone that he had said yes anyway.
He had packed a bag and taken a flight out to Sioux Falls where a friend of Sam's and Dean's had insisted to offer up her house for this occasion instead of letting it be the dreary bunker. Adam was grateful for it, to avoid having his grief over Dean be overshadowed by renewed painful memories of Michael being so unhappy in that place.
Sam picked him up from the airport and introduced him to Eileen, and then after a short drive to Jody, Donna, their girls and so many other people in whose lives Dean had made a lasting impression. Adam felt like the odd one out right away and hated himself for it, hated to even have this thoughts on a day meant to celebrate his dead brother's life.
Jody caught him alone later in the evening when Adam had needed to take a moment of fresh air, leaning back against the railing of the veranda and watching people laugh and talk. Sam in the middle, always immediately surrounded by at least two people, Eileen never far away at all from him.
"Is it weird?" Jody asked him as she came to stand next to him and handed him a cup of warm punch that Adam had been hanging onto the whole day already. It was cold in South Dakota still, colder than California seemed to ever get and exam season had been rough on him all the way through, Adam was freezing all the time now but especially in this place.
"I wouldn't call it weird," he began to answer her question and chanced a look over to her, "just... strange. I don't know anyone inside there, except my brother, and even he is in big parts a stranger."
"Doesn't mean he didn't appreciate you being here."
"I know, and I did it for him. And for Dean." And because Michael would have told him this was the right thing to do. "I got to have this third... fourth chance of life because of them, because they never gave up, so the least I can do is be there when my brother's life is being remembered."
"And yourself?" Jody wanted to know and Adam ticked up an eyebrow, "how are you doing with this fourth chance at life?"
"Trying to make the most of it. I'm going for pre-med, want to save people in ways that I know I can be good at." For Michael. For his Mum. For Dean. And fuck it, even for John. Saving people was the family business, but Adam wasn't and never would be a hunter. "I'm not the kid anymore that Sam and Dean once met, and I honestly don't know yet who I am myself but I know that I'm not taking anything for granted. Being free, being alive, it's too precious to just throw away. As morbid as it might sound, I'm glad over the way Dean went out. Fighting, steps made by his own actions and choices."
"Doesn't sound morbid to me," Jody agreed and then looked back through the window into her living room. "We're a bunch of special people, you know. Blood doesn't make family but you can't disregard it either. You have a place here, Adam, whenever you'll need it."
"You don't even know me," Adam argued but Jody shrugged and he saw how her eyes shifted over to where her girls were clustered around another on the smaller couch.
"Never kept me from making the right decisions with people," Jody told him still, then squeezed his shoulder before venturing back inside, leaving Adam once more alone with his thoughts.
He had been a social butterfly as a kid and later in high school, had always been surrounded by friends and their families, had dragged his mother into the park at every possible opportunity or into town later on. Now, he had days where he flinched people's laughter, where he couldn't bring himself to approach anyone, let alone ask them for help or think about spending voluntary free time with them.
He got along well enough with the project partners in his classes but that was all business, the first second they proposed coffee or hanging out, he made excuses. A shrink would probably tell him that he was afraid of filling the hole that Michael had left behind with someone else but Adam's personal opinion went in another direction. His life experiences were something that couldn't be shared by anyone.
Even here, a living room full of people who had lost, who had hurt, been hurt. Who had had their lives changed without a say in it. Who had been possessed.
Even here, he was the odd one out.
Their possession experiences were trauma for them, were pain and panic and a prison.
His time with Michael didn't include any of those feelings, there had been comfort and embrace, budding friendship and then love. There had been companionship in the long years in the Cage where they had helped each other to escape into good memories on a constant basis. There had been hope and dreams. And then there had been freedom and joy and happiness.
Pain, panic, prison, all of those Adam only knew since returning from being dead for the second time.
Without Michael now.
How could he make friends when all his heart still wanted was his best one back, every second of every day and night.
--
To make it through the night love will find you
--
Sam and Eileen came to California from their new home in Austin for his graduation ceremony a good three years later, little Dean drooling on Sam's shoulder. Life had gotten better with time, the experts weren't wrong there, time could heal wounds, just never fully, something would always be there.
Adam had found a place in this new world for himself, had made some friends, regardless of how loose he kept them sometimes. They understood his need for privacy and that he could draw into himself at times, and he was glad to have some folks to hang around with now on his good days. He had kept in contact with Jody and her family, and it definitely made things easier to have someone to call if he just needed someone to make sense of things or to help with the very frustrating side of bureaucracy sometimes. Jody and Donna could both push roadblocks out of the way that his rather complicated state of identity brought with itself, and their girls were always willing to bring him up to speed or explain when another pop culture reference of the last fifteen years went right over his head.
And when everything just became too much and he was tugging at his hair to get the pain to stop, to get his heart to stop screaming for someone who could never come back, then Adam knew that Sioux Falls was an escape. A place where he didn't have to make up excuses or think up lies to explain something away, no one asked uncomfortable questions there. He could be quiet and lost in thought but he wasn't alone, and that was what counted.
And he got distractions, many wonderful distractions.
"How old are you anyway now?" Claire randomly asked him one night while Jody and Donna were out on a nightshift, Kaia was still on her way home from college and Patience had gone to bed already with a headache.
"Claire," Alex snapped from the armchair in the corner where she was reading for one of her post grad courses, "you can't just ask something like that."
"It's fine," Adam stopped the argument before it could break out and both girls looked to him again, it was surreal, under normal circumstances there should have been almost a decade between them.
Both girls were born eight years after him.
But now they were his peers.
"I died when I was nineteen and something," Adam explained and it felt like more than a lifetime ago that day. "Didn't start aging again until 2020 because..." he cut off, inside of his mind it had become easier to say Michael's name, to not choke up anymore even while just thinking it but his lips it could still not cross. "Being a vessel does that to you," he phrased it differently and looked away from Alex when the softness in her eyes hit him too hard, Claire's pokerface was better to handle. "So if we round it up to 20 when I came back the third time, then instead of eight years older than you two, I'm actually almost two years younger now."
Alex laughed when Claire groaned.
"Oh my god," Alex spluttered out not a moment later, dodging the pillow Claire threw her way, "he should totally be this dude in his thirties but instead he's like our baby brother now."
Even when everything was rough, there was always a silver lining to be found.
--
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
--
"Keep talking to me, Adam."
"'kay," he choked out and pulled his hands closer around his chest, "jus' really don't know what-t-t to say," he stuttered out with shuttering teeth.
"Keep telling me about the people at your hospital, you usually can go off for hours about your fellow first years," Jody's voice was steadying and Adam was hanging onto it.
It wasn't the first time he landed with his car in a ditch, his Ma had needed to stitch him together personally two times between him getting his license and them dying. And this time, Adam was even quite sure that he wasn't even hurt bad or even mildly, maybe a few bumps and bruises in the end but nothing severe. The real problem laid with his head because it was cold, it was so cold and his mind was threatening to slip and slip and slip away to dark places.
And he was stuck, driver's side of his car up against the side of the hill, passenger side lodged against a fucking tree. He couldn't get out and that on top with the cold was a too dangerous combination.
So he had called 911 and then Jody.
This is what he got for taking his first vacation days all wrapped around Thanksgiving to drive to Sioux Falls. He was maybe three hours out from Jody's and this stupid fucking deer had come out of freaking nowhere.
"Adam, talk to me."
"Nico is so going to fail," he began weakly and grimaced when his whole body shuddered with tremors, the engine was a goner, the heater wouldn't even jump on. He gave a stuttering rant about the two fellow first year residents who were going on his nerves the most, then told Jody about the surgeon attending who he was suspecting to be favored by. Jody kept on prompting him to talk, he could hear car sounds in the background.
"Seems like you are finding your niche in that clinic. Okay, Adam, every moment now you should hear the sirens, just keep holding on a little longer. I'll be right there."
"'kay."
"And from now you're flying here from October to April, son." She even got him to laugh a little hysterically but Adam counted it as a win, and then he heard the sirens and blew out a breath.
Soon enough he was out and being rushed into the waiting ambulance, heating blankets wrapped around him while someone checked him over. Smartass that he was he quickly had the paramedic annoyed when he gave his own diagnosis over things.
"You have to excuse him," Jody intervened before an argument could break out, "he's a doctor. I've been told it's a habit hard to shake." She explained and kept on rubbing over Adam's arms. The paramedic grunted and told him to stay put a moment longer before he walked away, leaving Adam to finally slump against Jody. "Scared me senseless, you know. I love that you wanted to surprise us but it was not worth landing in a ditch."
"Are you gonna call Sam about it?"
"Of course I will."
"Urgh."
--
The sun is breaking in your eyes to start a new day
--
"Man, are you sure you don't need any more books? I could lift these boxes forever."
"Shut up, Sam."
"And like living together with a stranger? Are you really sure you wanna do that? In such a stressful time?"
Adam huffed and set down the latest box he had been carrying up into his new apartment that he would share with a fellow second year resident at UCLA Medical Center. He had found the call for a roommate on the internet, having been too fed up with commuting from his cheap student two room apartment outside the city every single day. He had to pay slightly more in rent now but he lived so close to the hospital that wasn't endangering people by driving home anymore while being half asleep.
"It's gonna be fine," he insisted towards Sam who was frowning around around the nicely furnished apartment like it was going to reveal demonic praises at any second. His new roommate wasn't around, had gone home to see his Mum during these few days off for them, Adam had only met him once during a short get together in a cafe to see if they fit together. His new roommate had switched hospitals after his first year of residency because of some major scandal that had hit the place. "Claire and Alex are flying in for the weekend, between the two of them this poor guy will be checked over from all sides. Supernatural and very human nature all laid bare."
"I could spare us the trouble and get Gabe..."
"No," Adam harshly interrupted Sam and rather abruptly marched over to him to take the box Sam had been holding onto still. "I don't want him here," Adam grunted out and then walked away into his bedroom. He heard Sam sigh and then follow him.
"Adam, I know you're still angry that he is back and..." but once more Adam didn't want to hear more and dropped the box full of books to the ground to whirl around.
"Stop," he snarled out and wrenched a hand up to point it at Sam who just then did stop in the doorway, "you don't get to say his name! You don't get to talk about him! You frankly don't even get the right to think about him in my presence!" It was maybe a little ridiculous to demand the latter but Adam was too worn out from moving, too wired up from his vacation days ending this stressful, and indeed still too angry over Sam getting a guardian angel back. "I don't want to see Gabriel, I don't want to talk to Gabriel, I don't want to hear about Gabriel. I don't want to hear how Castiel is back and probably frolicking it in Heaven by finally reuniting with Dean instead of just for one brief moment considering that there are people down here who want to see him, too! I don't want to hear how angels are returning because none of them are ever the right ones!"
Sam got that look in his eyes that Adam hated, the same one that Jody could get, too. That parental look he didn't need.
"Look, if we just talked to Gabe..."
"No, I never asked God for anything, regardless of which name he carried. And I will not start now. I'm not going to go begging for his return or demand answers!" The great lack of steady sleep caught up with him and Adam felt the emotions rolling up that he had tried so hard to suppress. Ever since starting his residency, it had become impossible to fly out to Jody's when this darkness settled over him and he had needed to find different ways to cope with it, to get out of it. Thankfully a try at a walk to clear his head one evening after a double shift had brought him upon a little church in the neighbourhood of his hospital.
A church dedicated to the Archangel Michael.
Adam hadn't been religious growing up, let alone a church goer, but he had stumbled into that church that day and just sat there, thinking, crying, just for the first time really cried about this ball of loneliness and grief still lodged deep within him. Ever since he had been visiting two or three times a week, went to mass whenever work made it possible.
And it was there, taking a moment to breathe after a hard day of work that Adam had gotten the message from Sam about Gabriel's return and for a second, for a long hot second he had dared to hope.
Only to realize right away that praying would be fruitless.
If Michael had been brought back as well, then he would have right away come to him. He wouldn't have needed to be asked, he wouldn't have needed to approach cautiously to get a yes.
And then more names, none of them the one he wanted to read or hear about.
"I know that what he did... felt like a betrayal but you guys betrayed him, too!" Adam threw the accusation with tears already jumped to his eyes and Sam winced but also took a step closer. "You used him to take down God! You used his grief over me to lure him in! You used his anger over God taking me away to get him on board! You used him! Because he was loyal to me, because he loved me! He had nothing anymore, nothing! No one who understood him, no one who loved him. He did what he thought was the right thing, and he got killed for it! By his own Father! He killed Lucifer for you, he helped but no one talks about that, everybody only sees the mistakes he made."
"I know that he helped, Adam."
"He only ever did good by me. Why does that count for nothing? I never met Jack but why can't he see what Michael did for me?" And there it was, the first time in all those years where he had spoken out his name in front of another person. It almost left him stupefied. "Why can't it outweigh even a little what else happened? I miss him, Sam," Adam lost his fight against the sob climbing higher and higher in his throat, "I miss him every single day, and time healed nothing. It still hurts and there will not be a day where it doesn't," Adam choked the words out, trying to back away when Sam's blurry figure came closer and closer. "I never felt whole again. You were so shocked to see me sane after all these years in the Cage? It's because Michael was there, it's because of him, it's because he loved me. And ever since I came back now, I feel like losing it piece by piece."
He was openly crying then and it wasn't alright because he didn't do this in front of Sam, their relationship had improved thanks to the kids and Eileen's good influence. They were friends now but they were still learning to be brothers.
But regardless of how awkward it felt, Adam still welcomed being pulled into Sam's arms and being held onto by someone who knew what loss felt like, who could in some parts relate.
"I'm sorry, Adam," Sam told him quietly and Adam barely heard him through his sobs, "I really am. I... I didn't know it was... so bad. I promise you I will ask around, find out why... find out something."
"All I ask for is fairness, one moment of kindness," Adam whispered when his voice broke, "we're finally free, all of us. Humans, angels, monsters. If they deserve a second chance, then so does he. I understand why not Lucifer, but Michael... I just want him back."
"I know, I know."
--
I am by your side where love will find you
--
They got pizza once Adam had calmed down enough to steady his breathing, and Sam helped him built up most of his furniture and though Adam put up weak arguments against it, Sam also hunter proved the whole apartment. Sigils, spells, demon trap.
"Listen, if your mysterious roommate can't make it past the doorstep, you'll thank me. You still got the angel blade, right?"
"Sure."
"Good. Call me anyway, or rather Claire. Since she hooked herself into San Francisco with Kaia, she's definitely closer to you. And don't forget to renew the salt every time you clean the windows."
"You sound like Jody."
"I'm a Dad now, deal with it."
"I'm not your son."
"No, but you're my baby brother, and I learned being a big brother from the best there was."
--
Shadows fade into the light
--
On Saturday evening he was still reeling from the aftershocks of his fight with Sam when his roommate showed back up. Claire and Alex had insisted on staying the whole weekend, less because of raining down the inquisition on his roommate, more because he had been a mess when they had shown up to take over from Sam with the moving in business.
Over time his friendship with Jody's girls had only improved, he was way more likely to think of them as his sisters than he saw a brother in Sam. Good memories were made but bad experiences still haunted his inner image of that relationship. Claire, Patience Kaia and especially Alex had been fresh faces and since that one conversation, he had been firmly adopted as the rather unwilling baby brother, no matter how often he argued that technically he was older than them all.
"I'd like to see you try to get out of Thanksgiving dinner," Alex was chuckling, her fingers in Adam's hair, as a key sounded in the front door, "Jody takes that holier than christmas." All of their eyes switched over to where the door got opened and Claire even got up, prompting Adam to start pushing himself up from the couch, too.
"Hey," Benjamin greeted everyone with a bright smile, kicking off his shoes one step past the front door and hip checking it shut without even looking. He dropped his keys on the sideboard on his way over and then held out his hand to Claire first. Adam shared a brief panicked look with Alex who shrugged her shoulders in response. "Should have probably expected Adam to have family over to help him move in. I'm Benjamin. Nice to meet you. Adam didn't mention he had sisters."
"It's a colorful patchwork situation," Claire said with a smile that was more shark than anything else but Benjamin took it in stride. Adam knew Benjamin had a little sister, maybe he just recognized a protective older siblings easily. "I'm Claire, that is Alex. We've got two more girls in our family. All of us looking out for our baby brother." He was going to kill her, what a way to make him sound like the most uncool dude on the planet.
Needs his four older sisters to get around life.
Spent an eternity locked into a metaphorical Cage with two Archangels who couldn't stand each other in the deepest pits of Hell but sure, couldn't handle meeting new people without bodyguards. At the same time, Adam was throughroughly aware that Kaia, Alex and especially Claire could kick ass far better than him.
But enough was enough.
"Alright, now that I got properly embarassed," Adam spoke up and Benjamin's amused eyes flickered over to him. "I hope it's okay if these two stay until tomorrow still, Alex' flight isn't leaving until noon."
"Good with me," Benjamin shrugged and took off his jacket, "wanna order take out? I'm not in the mood for cooking tonight." They agreed so Benjamin left to find some flyers while Alex leaned in whisper "he's hot" in Adam's ear.
"Shut up."
--
What about today?
--
Adam groaned when the sound of a tablet being dropped upon the counter next to his head disturbed his thirty seconds power nap.
"I have had it with this day," Benjamin growled and Adam grunted in a reponse, they were halfway through a double shift over Halloween and Adam couldn't even look at the patient files in front of him anymore. If he had to cut one more person out of their costume and spent half an hour before that arguing about the medical necessity of it, he was gonna burst something. "Remind me in the future to not volunteer for Halloween anymore."
"Done."
Once the initial phase of fitting into each other's lives had been over, Adam and Benjaming had gotten along well, found similar tastes outside of work. Adam had shown Benjamin around the city, having lived here longer. They had thrown in some movie nights and cooked together but they also kept something to themselves, and they both had their demons, Adam had seen that right away, too.
When Adam's depression episodes happened, Benjamin supported him and looked out for him but never asked questions or pushed further than Adam was comfortable with. But it helped nevertheless, sometimes just by knowing that there was someone else around, by listening to Benjamin going about his day or by actually getting good food even though he couldn't muster up the energy to leave the bed.
In turn, he covered for Benjamin at work when one of those vicious nightmares happened that left Benjamin thrown off his game for days sometimes. Adam ignored the screams in those nights but made sure to have a good hearty breakfast ready the next morning. Benjamin never looked like talking about it so Adam didn't ask. Benjamin also kept a very close relationship to his Mom, something that Adam understood as well, having been the only child of a single Mom as well for so long. Benjamin's Mom had married later on in his life and gotten a second child with her husband but Benjamin had told him that for most of his life so far it had just been the two of them.
So whenever Benjamin grew too worried about one thing or other, Adam jumped in to cover for him at work so he could fly home.
They became friends faster than Adam had let a stranger in since meeting Jody and the girls, it made work easier, made hard cases easier to swallow when there was someone who could make you laugh back home but also knew exactly what you struggled with.
"You on break?"
"I'm waiting for Radiology," Adam explained and got himself upright again, tablet still not showing any sign of results coming in. Nurse Jackie sent them both a sweet understanding smile from her seat behind the counter, typing in patient information without getting a break either. "I have a clown with a broken tibia and a pumpkin toddler with something shoved up his ear that he cannot tell me about."
"I have a skeleton with digestive problems and a drunk angel," Adam hoped Benjamin didn't see his wince as he kept talking, "with some severe allergic reaction. That's actually why I was hoping to find you. Allergies are more up your ally."
"Lead the way," Adam proposed and snatched up his tablet before following Benjamin back into the hassle of the ER corridors.
"Hey, you gonna hitch a ride with me tomorrow morning or will you swing by your church before coming home?" Benjamin wanted to know when they were alone in an empty corridor, it was the middle of the night, the chaos had calmed down by now.
"Probably gonna stop by my church first," Adam confessed, the adrenaline of case after case and running around between patients had kept the itch under his skin contained for now but he knew the second his shift was over it would be different.
In this night of fake Supernatural Creatures, it was rough to not think back on bad memories sometimes. Or not be hung up on good memories that only brought pain now.
Skeletons, ghost, vampires, werewolves.
But then also devils, demons and witches.
And hilariously enough the ones tugging at his heart the most in the worst way were the angels.
Because Michael would have had a running commentary about all of this but especially about the angel costumes.
When they entered the young woman's room, Adam made some kind of quiet noise that had Benjamin biting back laughter anyway and he sighed as he went to work.
Michael would have had A LOT of words for this costume and then Adam would have had to explain the concept of turning everything "slutty" to him.
--
What about now?
--
They were two hours away from the end of their shift and things had calmed down enough that they had even been able to lay down for a real power nap when one of the young training nurses came running in and woke them with news about a car having reversed into a pool party.
"Do you believe in anything up there?" Benjamin surprised him with that question out of nowhere as they were running down to the ambulance bay, struggling to get into scrubs while moving. "Listen, I don't wanna start some in depth religion discussion here, everyone is allowed their own beliefs but I think we could use a prayer upstairs right now and I'm not... with them anymore." Adam threw Benjamin a weird look, entirely confused over what that had to mean but he also finally got into his gloves and took the stairs two at a time, sirens could already be heard coming closer.
"I'm gonna call upon my guardian angel then," Adam said with something between a smile and a grimace but Benjamin laughed before he pushed open the door to the ER. Adam frowned after him still and then pushed those thoughts back to pick up again later.
--
What about now?
--
Didn't mean though that only a few minutes later while jumping from one badly injured patient to the next and calling for the uptenth time for someone to alert the surgeon attending to come down, Adam wasn't reciting the prayer he knew by heart.
The one for the Archangel Michael.
--
Now that we've come this far, just hold on
--
"You need to eat more, son, look at how bony those cheeks are getting."
Adam laughed and endured Henrietta's fussing with a warm heart, sitting in the front pew of this quaint little church after ending his shift two hours later than originally planned. The terrible incident at the party had cost lives and gotten too many innocent people injured and he was more drained than it was healthy. Benjamin had tried to argue for him to come back home first and go to church after actually sleeping for a bit but Adam had insisted.
Sleep wouldn't get his head cleared up now, it would only make it worse.
Henrietta, 76 and still kicking hard, had been the only one present when he had dragged his feet down the corridor and then slumped into a pew, still smelling like antiseptic. She was the good soul of this small catholic community, taking care of the church and Father Josh, who was young, devout and utterly clueless concerning the basic concepts of life.
"You need to come home to me next week again so I can make you something real to eat, not any of that garbage you young people call food these days."
They both looked up and in his case around when the door opened and someone stepped into the church, crossed himself with holy water and then kept on walking ahead, looking up towards the paintings of archangels behind the altar, Michael in the middle. Portrayed with the biggest wings, something that Adam thought Michael might have been flattered by, probably less so the long flowing golden hair.
"I've got Tuesday off," Adam revealed sheepishly and Henrietta smiled, squeezing his cheek one more time before she straightened up again.
"Good, I will see to it that Father Josh finds his lunch later and then I'll drive you home," she told him and tsked when Adam opened his lips to argue against it. "I will not take a no. Sit tight, finish your prayers, my boy."
Adam watched her go with a head already feeling better, and he was about to close his eyes again and lean his head back down for praying when someone dropped down on the bench right next to him.
"It's a lovely morning, isn't it? Beautiful church as well," this brunet stranger began and Adam took a deep breath to not reach for the part of himself that was dead tired and very short tempered at the moment. Instead he closed his eyes and folded his hands in a very international and obvious sign of 'dude wants to pray, leave alone'.
"I'm not really in the mood for smalltalk." He added on in a clear warning tone as well and only idiots would ignore that plea though this one seemed a special brand of impolite.
"I apologize, I have not been here before." The stranger just kept on talking and Adam let his eyes snap open again to glare at the tiles beneath his feet. "The paintings just strike a chord with me."
"Listen, good Sir," Adam took a deep breath and went for as many manners as he could still scrape together in his current state. "I appreciate the sentiment for the church but I've come here after an exhausting double shift over Halloween. All I want is some silence so I can pray."
"Did you know that if an archangel really listens in, he can hear the faithful praying to his brothers."
And Adam froze.
"Gabriel."
"Guilty as they come," Gabriel smirked and Adam wrenched himself to his feet, only his promise to Henrietta keeping him from storming off right away. "Hey, easy, I have not come with ill intentions. All I want is to talk."
"You showed up after I had told Sam explicitly that I do not want you here. And now you start your 'talk' by announcing that you eavesdrop on my prayers to your dead brother! Excuse me if I do not hold any wish to talk any further," Adam angrily pointed out and then began to walk away, he could wait for Henrietta outside.
He only got three steps before Gabriel was standing before him again, sound of wings still mildly echoing from the church walls, all of it made Adam wince, pain echoing inside his body.
"I do not eavesdrop," Gabriel hardened his voice slightly and Adam balled his hands into fists, "as you undoubtedly have realized by now as well, there are still a lot of faithful people praying to my brother but my brother isn't here. He isn't there to delegate anyone to reach for the troublesome cases."
"So, you're taking over his job now? How charming," Adam gritted out between his teeth, "makes me appreciate Jack's work so much more. No desire to bring Michael back, but let's keep humanity in the belief he is still there by fooling them. Thanks, I've heard enough, I'm gonna go and find my friend now."
He pushed past the angel and forced himself through some deep breaths to get the sudden anger down again.
But of course it wasn't over yet.
"I know why Michael isn't back and it's not because of what you think."
Adam kept on walking.
"He never died."
And Adam stopped.
"Not in the sense that you understand death under."
Adam turned around and glared at Gabriel still oh so calmly standing there, "Sam explained to me what happened at that lake. And it sounded very much like death me."
"Our Father shattered him apart," Gabriel said and Adam only didn't back away when the other came closer because what he saw in golden eyes really froze his feet to the ground. There was genuine sadness. "Michael wasn't just snapped out of existence like everyone else in Chuck's temper tantrum. He also didn't die like we were meant to. What Chuck did to him... it left me speechless and cold with shock when Sam showed me his memories. Michael got shattered, his very Grace got shattered into near nothingness."
Adam swallowed, age old feeling of overwhelming grief coming up again like an unstoppable tsunami. He didn't want this conversation after the days he had had, he didn't want confirmation of the hopelessness of each of his prayers. He wanted to fool himself into believing in 'one day', he didn't want the dreams crushed to dust.
"My status as one of the original four allows me contact to Jack now, and I swear to you, my nephew holds no ill will against Michael." Gabriel seemed to speak the truth but Adam nevertheless stumbled to the closest bench, hands shaking. He wasn't ready for this conversation, he just wasn't ready. "When he brought you back, it already took effort to recreate your body because of what Chuck had done. You must have noticed that you came back a little later than most others."
He had but Adam hadn't really thought anything by it, he had been among the last to go, too. He had simply thought it was like that with returning as well.
"Gabriel, if you're here to tell me that there is no chance for Michael to come back, then make it quick. I'm not a child, I don't need the kiddy gloves." It was a complete lie and Adam felt sick with just the thought of it. His hands were shaking worse and he felt slighty dizzy, a panic attack in the making. He looked past Gabriel's shoulder and firmly fixed his faze upon Michael's painting, reminded himself to breathe steady.
"I'm here to tell you that Jack needs more time and..."
"It's been years!"
"Michael wasn't just a damn butterfly, Milligan," Gabriel snapped at him, apparently low on patience now as well and Adam scowled back at him, very much aware just how much more than just a butterfly Michael had been. "Jack needs time and he needs your help."
"My help?" Anger turned immediately to confusion, so quickly indeed that Adam's dizziness only worsened, he slumped back against the back of the bench, not even surprised anymore when Gabriel approached now with worry appearing in golden eyes. "What could I possible do to help God?"
"Wouldn't you argue that among all those still praying to my brother and believing in the good in him you're sticking out? That among all those still faithfully believing in Saint Michael, Prince of Heaven, you are just a big more important to him?" Gabriel wanted to know and Adam flushed scarlet which didn't help his overall composure at all. "I haven't been around my oldest brother in a very, very long time, Adam, but even I can sense... still can sense now how important you were to Michael. I can tell from the pieces that Sam has given me that Michael was ready to burn the world to the ground in his anger over losing you. I cannot tell you what happened to him in that confrontation with our Father to make the choices he did but it doesn't change the bond you made with him."
"So you think me praying helps? Actually helps?"
More than just keeping himself sane.
"Truth be told, Adam," Gabriel sighed and looked so tired suddenly, "we're on untouched ground here. A new world, a new God who is in some ways no more than a toddler. All of Heaven is doing its best right now, trying to figure out how to do things. And Jack wants to bring Michael back, believe me, and he is trying, working on it. And as long as you keep praying, we're keeping the fragments of Michael's Grace from fading out."
Adam stared at white wings, stared at this paintings and felt like shaking apart at all those places that had once been scars.
He reminded himself to keep breathing but had no idea if he was actually doing it.
He didn't even feel his hands or feet anymore.
"I'm keeping him alive," he tonelessly phrased it as cold as possible but Gabriel hummed in the positive, moving slowly to drop down on the bench in front of Adam.
"No pressure, I know," Gabriel quietly admitted and Adam turned his head only slightly to catch his eyes, "It's not in your hands, understand me there please, Adam. You don't suddenly have to create a shedule to keep up with your praying, just... keep him in your thoughts. Don't lose belief in him."
"There isn't a day where he isn't in my thoughts," Adam confessed and it felt weird and awkward to talk about this with someone who was basically a stranger, even if he knew so much about the Archangel Gabriel had denied being for so long. But it also felt good to finally admit it, to finally talk about how Michael was still with him every single day. "He is with me day and night. In my dreams. When I'm at work, he is constantly in my thoughts. Everything new I experience, I do it for both of us. I'm not letting go of him."
It was a promise. It was an oath.
"Good," was all Gabriel said at first, then he looked around the church for a bit before he smiled. "I'm looking forward to reuniting with my brother then. I'm excited to meet this changed version of him. You truly must have brought out the very best in him." And then Gabriel stood back up and clapped a hand to Adam's shoulder. "Don't let your hope die and keep praying."
A moment later, Gabriel was gone with a flap of wings and Adam was once more left alone with his thoughts but he knew that he felt lighter. This flame of hope in his chest was burning with new strength.
He was going to get Michael back.
--
Now that we're here
--
"I think my roommate's a hunter."
There was silence on the other end of the line for a long moment that Adam used to walk onto the balcony and watch the setting sun on a rare peaceful evening off.
"This is not the call I was expecting," Sam deadpanned after a good minute had passed and Adam rolled his eyes, muttering a sarcastic "hilarious" that his brother accepted with a laugh. "Can we video call so Eileen can join?"
"Sure," Adam agreed to it and then sat down on a lounge chair, he switched the call settings and set his phone up on the little table so he had his hands free. He greeted Eileen and then waited for Sam to start asking questions.
"Alright, why do you think your roommate is a hunter?"
"I caught him refreshing the salt lines on the windows more than once already. Now, either that means he is a hunter or he caught me doing it and now he's supportive enough to indulge my very weird shenanigans. I'm not sure what version would have me less concerned," Adam confessed, hands working fast to keep up with his thoughts spilling out. "And there is holy oil below the sink, tell me one normal person who has that standing next to the drain cleaner. Be so kind and smart as to mention that to Gabriel before there are any unwelcome surprises. There is also a huge devil's trap painted beneath the rug in his bedroom and don't ask me how I know about that." He purposefully ignored Sam's raised eyebrow. "And then there is all this recent talk about angels," that certainly got their attention, "which again, I don't know if that is a hunter talking or if he thinks he has to take my faith more serious than he did before. I'm not sure if I gave him any wrong signals over feeling... ridiculed maybe. I don't know."
"Does he have the tattoo?" Eileen wanted to know and glanced over to the side for a moment, Adam guessed the kids were up. Adam waited until she was looking back at him again before shrugging his shoulders.
"I'm not in the habit of gawking up my friends, guys."
"And not every human is in the habit of having every protection sigil known to mankind and beyond branded into their very bones." Sam held against it and Adam stuck out his tongue, it wasn't like he had specifically asked Michael to do that once they had been out of the Cage. "If he's a hunter, he should have the tattoo. It's pretty much in the rulebook nowadays. Why is it such a big deal to you anyways?"
"Supernatural beings hold grudges." Adam gritted out between his teeth, "monsters hold grudges worse than humans do. I should know, it's like I died the first time around." He reminded them all and Sam looked away briefly. "I'm quite sure that Michael's protection charms help against a lot out there but not against being eaten by a vampire in my sleep."
"When was the last time you actually slept?" Sam wanted to know and Adam glared at him, he was fine. He was maybe a little overreacting over his findings but he was not unraveling again. "What do you want me to do? Come down to LA and tell your roommate to please keep his hunts clean because my little brother has a tendency to be at the butt end of bad grudges and vengeance desires and his archangel protection shield is currently still unavailable?"
"If you wanna call it like that, yes." Adam was quick to answer and Sam threw his hands up but it was Eileen who spoke up next and took the conversation into a completely different direction.
"We could use a vacation," she spoke and signed at the same time and Sam whirled around to face her, Adam bit back his laughter.
"Eileen! You're indulging his neurosis," Sam complained but Eileen shrugged, completely unfazed and Adam remembered why he liked her so much. She was no nonsense as much as she was enjoying to take advantage of things and circumstances. She was a kickass woman.
"If it means the kids and I get to see the beach, I sure will indulge him in anything."
"He could just as easily ask Claire." Sam argued but Adam could see that he had lost and couldn't help but grin over seeing his brother this whipped after all these years still.
"I want to see the beach," Eileen pouted and Adam looked around when he could hear steps in the apartment, Benjamin waved, still taking off his jacket. He had been "home" again for two days after his "mother" had needed "help" and Adam was beginning to suspect that it was code for hunts.
"I'm gonna book a hotel. Don't do something stupid, Adam."
"Like what for example?"
"Like setting traps or make him think you're a frigging supernatural being. Humans and holy fire don't mix as well as it does with angels."
--
The ways I loved you, for all the things that never died
--
Adam told Benjamin that part of his family was going to visit because they were on vacation in the area and Eileen even managed to delay the suddenly now very curious Sam and Gabriel for two days until they came barging into Adam's and Benjamin's apartment. Gabriel came first, like some kind of angelic spy bodyguard, a picture that got mostly weakened though by the four year old sitting on his shoulders and the six month old gurgling in the car seat being carried by Gabriel's right hand.
"Hello," he began with a grin but was immediately interrupted by Dean calling for "uncle A" and stretching out arms so that Adam jumped forward to take him before the little adrenaline junkie decided to go flying off of the angel. Benjamin held himself in the background and observed. Eileen was next to enter and Adam greeted her with a hug while Dean already babbled his ears full with the things he had seen at the beach. Gabriel was introducing himself to Benjamin, hopefully keeping it far away from sounding suspicious, and then Diane started crying because no one was paying attention to her and Eileen hurried over.
Adam caught Benjamin's amused eyes over the top of Dean's ever bopping head as he kept on talking and at least his friend hadn't run away screaming just yet.
And then Sam was there, carrying a diaper bag and brown plushie dog, and at least they hadn't brought the real one, too. Adam got crushed into a hug until Dean complained of being squished and then Sam moved on. Only to freeze in the next moment when he laid eyes upon Benjamin and vice versa Benjamin did the very same. They stared at each other so long that Adam felt horribly uncomfortable and had to look for the others to do something but Eileen was still busy rocking Diane and Gabriel was too busy looking between Sam and Adam's roommate.
Until Benjamin was the first who ripped himself from this stell of silence and leaned to the side to catch Adam's mildly freaked out eyes again.
"You're a Winchester?"
"No," was Adam's first blurted out reaction to that and he moved forward to stand next to Sam, mostly to make it easier for Eileen to read his lips. "Yes," he corrected after a moment and then he couldn't stop talking anymore. "No and yes? Like half maybe? I'm John Winchester's son, from another woman. I barely knew him until I was a teenager, my brothers I didn't meet until I was nineteen. It's all very complicated and difficult and no one can explain that shitshow in just one day," and that was about the point where his brain caught up with the true surprise behind Benjamin's question. "How do you know he's a Winchester?"
Was that a hunter rulebook thing, too?
He could almost imagine the entry.
Sam and Dean Winchesters, our heroes and also our two biggest troublemakers. Be like them but don't do their mistakes and please also don't repeat their fuck ups.
Benjamin blinked at him and Adam blinked right back, waiting for a reply, his doubts over Benjamin being a hunter having been blasted away. There was no way he would know about the Winchesters otherwise.
Turns out there was.
"He's Dean's son," Sam answered after an awkward one minute silence and Adam snapped his head around to look up at his brother, mind going completely blank.
Because what?
"Okay," he caught himself just when Eileen and Gabriel were still gaping and little Dean was growing fussy because the adults were acting so weird. "Two questions as we all sit down." He began and wheedled them all into the living room and onto the couches, "why did I not know about this? And why did he not know about me? And also, Ben, sorry, but I kinda invited them over because I was freaking out over you being a hunter, which has become so incredibly unimportant right now."
He handed his nephew the legos he had bought him to play with and looked between Sam and Benjamin, noting with some relief that Eileen and even Gabriel looked as overwhelmed as he felt.
"The clip version is," Sam stuttered himself through his words at first and he couldn't look away from Benjamin. "When Dean first met Ben, we didn't know about you, Adam. And when we later on met up with Ben once more, you were... gone." Ah, well, that explained that. "And as for the other way around. Lisa, Ben's Mom, always denied him being Dean's son. Dean didn't get around to the truth until later and then hid it away to keep them safe and..."
"Their angel wiped our memories after an incident where my mother got possessed by a demon," Benjamin drily said into the round and Adam stared dumbly back at him.
Well, that was a way.
"I'm so confused," he nevertheless admitted and wiped a hand down his face, "this is so not what I had been expecting. I don't even know where to start," he tried to get some control back into the situation but failed.
"Can I ask something?" Gabriel jumped in and Ben turned to him, Adam suddenly stuck on that offhand comment about angels and not being 'with them anymore'. Wiped memories. Jesus. What would Michael say about this shit? Well, probably approve, too many people already knew too much about heaven and hell as it stood. "Why do you remember now if Castiel wiped your memory of anything related to Dean Winchesters?"
"It didn't stick," Ben revealed and Adam needed a drink, "not for long anyway. If what I think is right then maybe a year."
"Any events popping up in your memory, Sam?" Gabriel wanted to know and Sam went pensive for a moment before he groaned.
"When Cas' own memory got wiped." Sam revealed and Adam's mind was spinning, reminding him with a force that left him breathless that all of this had happened while he had been in the Cage. Insider information and insider events that everyone knew about. All lost on Adam. Because he had been in the Cage. "It must have undone that part of his work. Is that possible, Gabe?"
Gabriel swept away in some angel lore that Adam might have found interesting at another point but in the moment he had a heart breaking open and a mind desperately trying to run away from memories.
"Excuse me," he blurted out and fled from the living room, blinding stumbling along the hidden corridor until he reached his room and could push the door closed. His hands immediately went for his air, tugging at the long strands as his heart started up that insane rhythm.
"This is real, this is real. Remember this is real."
He focused on breathing and nothing else, knew that if he dared it, he ended up choking himself on accident or started hyperventilating. He breathed in. He breathed out.
--
What about today?
--
"Adam?"
He didn't know how much time had passed with him standing frozen in the middle of his room, hands pulling on his hair to ground him back down. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours. He couldn't talk, he needed to keep breathing.
"Adam, I'm coming in."
He was at the same time pissed that Gabriel barged in on his privacy like that but also eternally grateful it wasn't Sam because if there was one thing he had until now never been able to talk about with Sam, then it was the Cage.
He heard how his door got opened and how it got closed again.
"I'm gonna try something now and I will either terribly regret it and be kicked straight back into the afterlife once my big brother hears of this upon his inevitable return... but I have a teensy amount of hope that it might be the right thing to do." Gabriel was talking too many words and Adam needed to keep breathing. "Here goes nothing."
And then there was warmth and Adam wanted to recoil from it because it felt wrong, so wrong, but it also helped and took the darkness and the echoes of memories away piece by piece.
"Better?" Gabriel asked after a short while and Adam nodded as he dropped his hands back down, suddenly feeling bloody exhausted. "Good. Was this the first time you got triggered into memories?"
"Ha," Adam snorted and pushed a weary hand over his face, "in the beginning this happened about every two days. I've got it narrowed down to every couple of weeks now, sometimes even month can pass. What did you do?" He wanted to know and looked over to the angel who was now glancing around Adam's bedroom.
"Shocked your system with Grace. You spent so much time infused with Michael, a couple of years won't change that your body is still yearning for Grace. You're not still missing Michael with only here," and he patted his chest where a human heart would have beaten, "but also here," and he waved his hands all around. "It's everything." Adam sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, he still felt shaky. "Come on, distraction should be good by now, they've passed over the hard stuff already. Ben knows that Dean is dead and he got a flash version of events. They're talking about your careers now."
It must have definitely been more than a couple of minutes then, Adam guessed as he followed Gabriel back into the living room. Diane was asleep in the car seat, having been shifted onto the dinner table to have her peace. Dean had built a whole tower from his legos but abandoned that all upon spotting Adam, he came running over and stretched up arms and Adam gladly picked him up. Sam, Eileen and Ben looked over to him briefly but they were deep in conversation about Ben's mother and his sister. Adam was only too glad to have Dean ask for chocolate.
He walked over into the kitchen area where Gabriel had already helped himself to something sweet to drink. Setting Dean onto the counter and holding onto him with one hand while opening a cabinet with the other, he began whispering to Gabriel.
"What are the chances of me ending up with Dean's lost son as my roommate," he muttered quietly and handed Dean a chocolate bar, leaning against the counter next to him while the little guy quickly had the sweets unwrapped and stuffed into his face.
"Statistically the chances are close to none," Gabriel began and grinned at him though, "but as you are who you are, I'd say it was fated."
"Great." Adam groaned and smiled down at Dean's chumming away happily, "is fate still a thing though? I thought Jack was all hands off forever."
"Fate isn't a thing," Gabriel corrected and Adam glanced back over to him, "it's a creature. Quite judgemental."
"And there are surprises left still in the world," Adam concluded for himself and then looked back at his nephew when Dean tugged on his sleeve. "What's up, little guy?"
"Why is it getting dark outside, uncle A?"
"Dark?" Adam echoed in confusion and chuckled, "champ, it's lunchtime, it's not..." but he stopped speaking mid turn of his head and then everything was happening too fast for him to comprehend anymore. He pulled Dean into his arms and still saw how Eileen, Sam and Ben jumped to their feet before Gabriel's hand landed on his shoulder and the ground was ripped out from under his feet.
--
What about now?
--
The next time Adam blinked he found himself standing in front of Jody in the woman's kitchen, Dean on his hip and Diana held in her carrier in his free hand. Behind Jody Donna was holding a spatula in his direction like a weapon and Alex had dropped a pot. Jody was the only one looking like she might be able to talk, and she was the first to utter a word after a lengthy pause of complete silence.
"Adam?" She asked and he could understand the hesitancy in confirming his identity but he was still very much just himself, even if he would appreciate Michael to have the timing of a lifetime and just turn up right then and there. What about now, he thought and sent out as a prayer, what about now didn't sound like an awesome moment to make a miraculous comeback.
"I... Gabriel did the flying, not me," he explained and felt dizzy and panicky again, like he wanted to throw up but also couldn't get enough air in at the same time.
"What happened?" Jody wanted to know and already moved to take Diane from him, handing the carrier immediately off to Donna who had come over in order to take Dean from him, too. Adam guessed he looked too faint to be trusted with children right then, and admittedly he preferred it. Diane was crying quietly and Dean looked incredibly spooked.
"I'm not sure," he answered Jody's question and blinked at Alex coming to stand at his side as if he was in danger of falling over any second. "We were talking in my apartment and then the lights went out, not like a power outtage but more like outside... like the sun? I think I need to sit down."
Alex moved quick and he was so grateful when he had a chair beneath himself.
"I'm five minutes past a panic attack, so this is a real fun time right now," Adam explained to Alex as she crouched down in front of him and reached out to take his pulse. He saw how Jody moved to put on the news in the living room, how Donna took Diane out of the carrier and rocked her calm again, how Dean got distracted by Alex's cat.
And then it was a waiting game.
The news didn't show anything out of the ordinary, and the few fellow hunters Jody called didn't report anything unusual either. Sam, Eileen and Ben didn't answer their phones, Gabriel didn't answer prayers.
It was Claire who called a good four hours later where Adam was already half asleep on the couch due to total exhaustion, mentally and physically. Only able to keep calm because he kept up a steady prayer to Michael in his head like a red string to guide himself out of the darkness.
"Witches?" Alex repeated what Claire had just explained over speaker phone and she looked into the round. "Some wannabee witches overdid their spell, didn't know what they were handling and just took out the sun over Los Angeles for hours?"
"I always said teenagers are more dangerous than serial killers," Donna muttered from the side and Adam laughed. "Is the situation resolved then?"
"Yeah, light is back up. Sam, Eileen and Ben are cleaning up and Gabriel snapped his fingers and told us people won't remember a thing." Claire summarized and she sounded disbelieving.
"It is that easy," Adam took the worry away, "you'd be more frightened to know just how far those powers can truly reach," he told her from experience and Claire groaned. Adam swung himself upright again even if every part of his body was protesting. "If you see him, tell him I need to be brought back there immediately. The lights out no doubt caused a pure chaos in the city and the hospitals are going to be overflowing with patients."
"You're in no condition to be working right now, Adam."
"I work best under pressure," Adam held against Jody's argument, "and this is not about me right now, this is about the people I can save."
"Let him go, Jody," Donna surprised him from where she was sitting in an armchair with Dean and Diane asleep on top of her. "He's a Winchester after all, saving people is in their blood."
--
What if our love never went away?
--
After the scare with the witches, life went on, as dull as it might sound but Adam was also eternally grateful for it. Ben and him rearranged their lives around the new revelations but it didn't really change a lot, they were just more honest with each other now. And threw in a hell of jokes about being uncle and nephew respectively.
It actually felt easier still to get along with Ben, and Ben admitted to it being the same with him, no more secrets, no more hiding of peculiar things.
"So this guy you've told me about? The one you lost years back?" Ben asked him over making dinner one evening a good three days after the sun had been put back over Los Angeles.
"Michael, his name was Michael." Adam began his explanation and Ben gave him a small smile, "he was an angel. And he... It's complicated, I think Sam can explain better what happened. He was actually there but... there is hope now that Michael can come back."
"Wishing you the best, man, I can see how important he is to you still."
"And your trips home to see your Mom?" Adam wanted to know and prompted Ben to laugh, which he took as proof to his guesses. "How many of those were actually trips home to see your family?"
"Maybe five percent?" Ben estimated and flipped the steaks, "I am going out for hunts when something pops up too close to them. My Mum doesn't like it too much but she knows it's something I want to do to keep them safe." Adam hummed and kept on turning carrots around in the pot. "And I always clean up my messes. There is no one going to come after me."
"You know what I'm most relieved about," Adam started when he turned off the oven at Ben's sign and poured off the excess water. "When I stumble upon suspicious cases in the ER, I won't have to figure shit out alone anymore." Ben groaned out a "oh yes, thank god" and set the steaks onto their plates. "Remember that guy two months ago with the scratches on his ass that had gotten infected? I still don't think that was the family poodle."
Ben snorted and they sat down at the table, "ha, never in a million years would that have been the damn poodle." He agreed and reached for the potatoes, "he would have never looked at us that bewildered when we asked him if his dog was up to date with his shots."
--
This broken heart can still survive with a touch of your grace
--
Despite feeling more comfortable in his skin with this new routine and steadied friendship, Adam still reached for the opportunity to get out of Los Angeles when the chance appeared. A couple of days off that the hospital forced upon Ben and him after a too long row of back to back nightshifts. They took a flight out to Kansas and rented a car to get down to Lebanon where Sam met them outside the bunker with a smile and Gabriel looking as smug as ever.
Adam left them to show Ben the former Winchester batcave and promised to meet back up with them in the evening for dinner in town. He took the car out of town and up the two hour drive into the wilderness until he reached the lake on which shore time had been rewritten and the fate of creation had been freed.
Now, years on, nothing was left anymore of this fight against God. Spring had turned nature into a bright and colorful beauty and Adam was smiling peacefully the second he closed the car door and walked closer to the water's edge. For all reasons it should have been a depressive place, bringing out the tears and the grief and causing him pain. The place of Michael's destruction.
But contrary to all expectations, he felt so much at peace.
And it was then, in that moment where he knelt down and touched his fingers to the water's surface that he knew Michael's Grace was still around, still clinging to this place, holding on to be saved.
"Hey," he began quietly and looked at his blurry image on the water, "I know it's been quite a while since this place was important but you deserve more than me breaking apart and crying too much to say what I want to say. And believe me, it's been like that in the beginning. Losing you hurt, as if I wasn't brought back with all pieces fitting together. I still don't feel whole, there is something missing, truly missing. So it took a while until I could go here and not start screaming in frustration and desperation. I don't want to lie to you, I'm not okay but by now I can see this light at the end of the tunnel. I know that one day I will be okay. Maybe you'll be there, maybe you won't, I know now that both are possible and both are something I will accept."
Adam took a deep breath and looked away from his watery mirror, setting his eyes upon a small cluster of yellow flowers to his right.
"If you want to move on, then it's okay. You hear me? It's okay. Part of me will always miss you, always, but I'll keep going. I'll keep living the life we would have enjoyed so much together. I'll help people, save them in my way because you saved me. You saved me and gave me another chance and I will forever be thankful for it. I still want you back, of course I do, but not if it means you're in pain because you're so desperately holding on. Find your peace, Michael, don't suffer for me, not again, please. And if you need something more of me to come back then try and give me a sign, I will do everything. But whatever happens, you have to know it's okay."
He wiped away a tear and looked out across the lake, looked out among this untouched paradise of nature.
"It's okay, Michael."
He didn't fool himself that his voice had gone a little shaky there but he knew that this feeling was genuine. He wished to have Michael back, of course he did, but not if it meant his angel had to suffer. Michael had taken enough pain for the both of them, he had been so terribly brutally destroyed, he deserved peace.
"When Gabriel came to me and explained what had happened to you, I felt awful. I felt so arrogant because most of the time I wanted you back so I would just finally stop feeling empty. I wanted you to come back to me. I didn't give a rat's ass about Heaven, and admittedly I still don't. They never mourned you when you fell into the Cage, they never looked back, they simply moved on without a care given. And you deserve better, you deserve so much better. I didn't think about all those other humans who worshipped you, even though I was surrounded by them in my little church. I never thought that the way and form of your destruction wasn't complete, that this shattering of Grace as Gabriel put it could leave you hurt and in pain and unable to... reform even if you wished to. Your brother opened my eyes, and I realized that I felt better already because I had answers. I knew your fate and it was full of new questions but it was also something. So wherever you are, if it's just too much to come back and you just want to fade out, you have my blessing. My permission, whatever you wanna call it. Don't keep clinging to our lonely Universe just for my sake. I will be alright, eventually."
With a heavy breath, Adam got back to his feed and leaned his face into the sun, closing his eyes and smiling at the warmth.
"I love you," he said and took a few deep breaths, inhaled this peace and serenity, let himself be weightless in this moment. "I will always love you. I'll never forget you, Michael, and everything that you have done for me. And I will make sure the world won't either." Adam opened his eyes again and turned his head to take one last long look around the lake before he walked back to the rental car. Feeling warmer, feeling lighter.
But nothing could beat the rush suddenly pouring through him when upon opening the driver's door something pushed it closed again immediately. Twice more he tried and twice more some unseen outside force slammed the door right shut again. Adam snapped his hands back the third time it happened, having nearly gotten his fingers squished in that time.
He looked around and had one hand already moving towards the phone in his jacket pocket when his head reminded him of the words he had just spoken.
"Michael?"
His answer was a warm breeze ruffling through his hair and Adam's lips pulled into a grin so hard it almost hurt.
"I knew it," he whispered and set his hands upon the closed door, "you won't leave, you want to fight. Well, I'll fight with you. You have my yes, you know it. Always and forever." Something warm and gentle and loving seemed to stroke his cheek and Adam hiccuped on a sob of pure joy and happiness. "Heal yourself, let Jack help, seek out your brother and let him help, too. And when you're ready, you come to me. When you're ready, you come home."
--
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
--
"I can't believe this was the end of year two," Ben noted on the first evening after another year as residents had come to an end. "One more year and then we're branching off into our specialties. You're finally going to be adopted by Matthews..."
"Ahaha," Adam deadpanned in hard edged sarcasm and returned from where he had grabbed more beer from the fridge. He dropped down onto the couch next to Ben and handed one bottle over, eyes settling back on the football game they were watching.
"Come on, man," Ben insisted to remain on his point though, "he is letting you in on almost every second op. He likes you, man, you've assisted in procedures that he doesn't even let his attendings look in on. And you like surgery more than general medicine."
"And this being said by the guy who is already being hailed as the God of the ER," Adam held against it and Ben flushed, "it's true, you've heard yourself what they're saying. You get better the more stressful and chaotic the place becomes. You love the coordinating side of it all."
"I do," Ben agreed and knocked his bottle against Adam's, "to a rocking final year of residency." Adam joined in and they followed the game in silence for a while.
"Hey," it was Ben again who picked up a conversation topic, brows drawn together and eyes thoughtful, "I've been thinking about this one thing for a while now and I guess there is no other way to get around to it than just blurting it out awkwardly." Adam raised his eyebrows and halted his bottle an inch in front of his lips when Ben turned to look at him. "When your angel comes back, don't feel forced to like... leave this place. There is plenty of room here, I won't mind."
"I don't even know if he'll return in his own vessel or if... I'll say yes again," Adam explained but Ben only shrugged, "you really won't mind?"
"No," Ben told him entirely unbothered and Adam couldn't have found a better friend, "he is important to you. As far as I am concerned angels aren't really high maintenance. He's not gonna raid our fridge or drink us out of booze or spent an insane amount of time in the bathroom. Sounds like another perfect roomie to me." Adam grinned and finally finished his beer.
"Means a lot, you know. Have you decided what you're gonna do with the hunting once you just can't take that time off anymore?"
"Sam introduced me to a hunter who is living one town over from my Mum, Liz and Todd." Ben revealed and Adam suspected that might have been one reason on why the screaming in the night had gone down. "He is a decent guy and he promised to have a good eye on the situation, that he knows more people in the general area to call for help if he needs it. And if the itch becomes too bad in my own veins, I'll call up Claire and we'll find something within driving distance."
Adam groaned and Ben faked throwing the bottle at him.
"We got this figured out, haven't we?"
"Yeah, we do."
--
There is nothing to fear, for I am right beside you
--
There was something purely magical in ending a long exhausting shift and then walking into a beautifully decorated church. Everything about St.Michael's was ready for the holidays and Adam himself was counting his last days before he could fly out to Sioux Falls with Claire and Kaia.
He sighed as he softly closed the door behind himself, only to laugh in the very next second when he was jumped at my little Daisy, Father Josh's niece.
"We gots cookies, Doctor Adam," she announced to him and hugged him tight in a heartfelt welcome before wriggling to be put down again.
"Show me," he told her with playfully big eyes and Daisy giggled as she grabbed his hand and pulled him over to where her mother was talking with Henrietta at the tables set up at the left side.
"Oh, Adam, I am so happy that you could make it."
"Yeah, we've been run quite tight these last days but I wouldn't have missed this for the world," Adam told both women and accepted the hugs. "Ben will come along in a few minutes, he wanted to take a shower first. Got spit on by too many people today."
"Ah, yes, the joys of too many kids filled with too much sugar," Helen rejoiced and bopped her clueless daughter's nose. "Get yourself a plate, Adam, and eat something. And later on, I will see you singing."
"Yes, Ma'am," he said and moved past her, rolling his eyes behind her back and earning himself a slap to the backside by Henrietta. He got himself something to eat anyway and made a round, talking to people like he usually always did after mass. They were a lot of elderly people in this community whose children had moved across the country, who didn't see them much anymore and his mother had always told him when he was a kid that old people told the most important stories so you had to listen real close.
He was in the process of asking Father Josh about some of the programs he had planned for the new year when the lights in the church began to flicker and Adam's eyes immediately went over to catch Ben's, who had arrived only a few minutes ago. The music from the speakers went scratchy and then became higher and higher. A high pitched ringing that definitely didn't fit with the song began to be heard and Adam whirled around to push Daisy towards her mother.
"What is happening?" Someone cried out and people were pressing hands over their ears, ducking down, Adam even saw a few crossing themselves.
And that was when his head grew so very still.
Everything slowed down.
Everything became so very familiar and warm and he just knew.
Do you need a yes?
No.
The lights burst, the music and the ringing swelt and then it cut off, too, and everything went white for a moment but then he was there.
Crouched low on the ground in the middle corridor, shadowy wings filling the entire back wall of the church, dimming the view of the portraits of the four archangels.
But who would need a portrait when the real one was right there.
When he was there.
Right there.
There.
Adam moved as if in trance and Ben was lunging for his arm but Adam gently pushed it down and pushed Ben's other arm holding a knife down towards the ground as well again.
"Adam."
"He won't hurt anyone," Adam heard himself speak but he didn't feel it at all, he couldn't look at Ben, otherwise he would have seen the shocked realization in those green eyes. Adam could only look at the man now slowly straightening up, shadows of those manificant incredible wings not dimming in the slightest. Adam began to walk forward and people were whispering in frightened tones and he wanted to appease them, reassure them that nothing was wrong but his tongue couldn't produce names.
He made step after step and was reaching him just as he raised his head and their eyes met and Adam was home, he was home, home, home.
"Michael."
And there it was, his name, falling from Adam's lips for the first time not as a story, not as a prayer, not as a cry, it was a greeting.
"I'm sorry it took me so long, kid."
"Forgiven and forgotten," Adam breathed out and all hesitation and all caution got thrown into the wind when he quickly wrapped his arms around Michael and just held on for dear life. "I always knew you were going to come back to me."
"I hung on for you," Michael told him and Adam closed his eyes as the all too familiar Grace reached for his soul and he opened himself as much as he could in different vessels. "I was never gonna leave you. I don't need Heaven, all I need is you."
--
For all my life, I am yours