Chapter Text
“Wait wait wait jack...” Dean called after him.
“Cas… bring him back” he said his voice threatening to break. Jack gave a small smile but didn’t say anything before vanishing into light.
“No” dean’s shoulders slumped. He just left. How could he just leave them… jack loved Cas, he knew that… he had managed to wake him from the empty before … of course now he could just… but why didn't he...
“Hey...” dean felt sam’s hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
Dean couldn’t bear to look at him now so he just nodded and walked to the car. If jack wouldn’t bring him back, He’d just find a way to go down there and get that feathery ass idiot back himself.
~~~~~
Sam was on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop any second. They had defeated chuck almost a month ago. He had checked in with Eileen, Bobby, Donna,… everybody was back. He was happier than ever with his amazing badass girlfriend. But something didn’t felt right. He thought Dean would be if not happy, relieved a bit at least. Sam knew he was trying for his sake to enjoy this newfound real free will and freedom; But he could see through the crap. He had noticed their alcohol inventory emptying and refreshing at an alarming rate. Oh Dean was careful alright. Trying real good to take out the empty bottles and buying more whenever he could without letting sam notice but he KNEW after that night. Dean wasn’t fine.
Sam had woken up around five to go to the bathroom and on the way back he remembered his ipad that he’d left in the basement. When he was about to go in the already open door, he saw dean. Slouched on the floor, leaning his head against the far end wall behind the chair, bear bottles scattered around him. He seemed to be asleep. That was when sam had realized what exactly was going on and also could guess where cas had summoned the empty. Now he could make sense of the late night researches, the random biblical lore books he found out of place around the bunker. Dean hadn’t given up on bringing cas back and he wasn’t doing much well by the looks of it.
“morning bitch”
Sam straightened up when dean walked in the kitchen looking like every morning. Suddenly sam couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn’t take dean thinking he could fool him, like sam wouldn’t notice the purple lines under his eyes getting darker day by day, or the clothes hanging looser by his brother’s shoulders.
“Morning” Sam just had enough so he went in for the kill. “How did you sleep?” He asked while dean sat down with his mug of coffee.
“Like a baby… you?”
“Alright… that’s it” Sam said putting down his own mug.
“What?” Dean looked so genuinely confused that sam almost get offended.
“I know you’re trying to bring back Cas.”
Dean’s eyes went dark and hard so fast, sam almost wished he hadn't said it.
“What I don’t know is why didn’t you tell me? I want him back too I wanna help”
“No” Dean said through his clenched jaw.
“what? What do you mean no?”
“I mean No” Dean stood up to leave. “end of the story.”
“Nuh uh” Sam got up and stood on dean’s way to the door. “You can’t just say that and run away again. I know you’re not fine dean.” He barely noticed his voice raising.
“You’re losing weight You’re not sleeping and the way you’re drinking …” Sam stopped to take a breath. If looks could kill he’d be dead by the way dean was staring at him. But he wasn’t going to let it go. Not this. Not now that they had finally beat the biggest bad. And it probably looked on his face cause dean’s expression softened slightly.
“I can’t…”Dean said under breath. “I can’t sleep. I can’t eat…” His face broke completely. Sam stopped himself from actually stepping in and hugging his big brother. He knew that wasn’t what dean needed.
“We’ll get him back” Sam tried. “let me help… together we’ll figure it out, like we always do.” But dean was already shaking his head.
“No… I can’t let you get involved again Sammy. “ sam was about to explode again when dean continued. “You have a life. Finally you’re happy. You have Eileen… hell you even go on hunt dates together. “ Dean chuckled. “It doesn’t get cuter than that.”
“I mean weird sure, but cute.” Sam smiled against his own wishes at that.
“I can’t let you risk that.” Dean said in a more serious voice. “The empty is the only big bad on the board right now. and it's probably already mad at you for lying through your teeth at it. I can’t let you get caught in the crossfire. “
“can’t or won’t? “ Sam asked.
“Both.”
Dean’s voice didn’t let there be any possibility of budging so Sam tried another way.
“Okay.” He said finally. “I won’t join you in anything you need to do…Except research.”
And when Dean was getting ready to argue again he rushed to say : “Just reading, finding clues… that’s it…I’ll leave you be the second we find the way… who would know I’m involved?”
They stared at each other till finally dean broke. “FINE”
~~~~~
So it began. They went on hunts whenever they found something or somebody called them but the rest of the time they spent it on their laptops, pouring over the books in the bunker, or dean calling any old friends he could think of with access to lore books. He was trying. Trying to not break down, not to lose hope. It was one of those quiet nights them sitting in the library with their laptops. Sam was glancing at his beer bottle once in a while when he sighed. Dean immediately put down the bottle he was about to take a sip from.
“I just wish we had a bit of his blood.” Sam said swiping his hand on his tired eyes. “that would’ve been so easy.”
“what?”
“His blood.” Sam said looking at him.” We could just use the same spell nick did to bring back Lucifer.”
Dean had forgotten all about that. Mary’s death had blocked everything in his mind. He felt his heart lighten with hope.
“His hand.” He barely whispered a tentative smile spreading on his face.
“what?”
Dean couldn’t answer he just stood up and ran to his room. The coat. He hadn’t been able to wash it. He couldn’t erase the last bit of Cas that was left for him. It was sitting there in his closet. He picked it up carefully his fingers dancing on the handprint. The bloody handprint that had gone black with age. He heard the footsteps behind and turned around to face sam.
“He cut his hand right before ….” Dean swallowed and started again. “He pushed me out of the way.”
Sam bless his soul didn’t ask why he hadn’t washed it away. Instead he was mirroring the same hopeful but terrified smile back at him.
“This could work.” Sam said. But then suddenly his face fell.
“We need a vessel.” He said defeated. “Nick was gonna offer his own body… For Lucifer to possess him again.”
But dean didn’t feel as defeated as Sam looked. That was a downside of course but he was sure they could still make something work. This was the best clue they had in weeks.
~~~~~
Sam wished he hadn’t said anything to watch his brother be really happy for the first time in so long and then take away the hope. Maybe they could change the spell or…
“Maybe we can find a vessel? “ He asked not even certain himself.
“No no noway.” Dean said immediately. “Cas wouldn’t want to come back like that … and it would be all kinds of wrong …I’ll do it. “
“what?” Sam couldn’t believe what he heard.
“Look we’ll try to change the spell … I dunno ... bring back his body or something but even if that doesn’t work…. I’ll do it.”
“what the hell are you talking about? It’s POSSESSION dean!”
“I know!... And I’d do it in a heart beat.” Dean said. “I’d take him possessing me than dead any day.” Dean’s voice broke. Sam noticed him clenching the bloody jacket in his hands white knuckled.
“let’s just think about that later.” Sam said. “Focus on the spell now. call Donatello. Ask him about the details. Then We’ll think about the changing it.”
~~~~~
This was pointless. Dean couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted to just do the spell already and he knew sam was stalling. They had asked for Rowena’s help already and any other witch they could think about. Nobody could bring back Cas’s body. And Dean was done. He wanted his angel back. He didn’t care if he’d have to share his body. He’d share his life length in a second let alone his body. Cas died saving him. Cas died after telling him that he loved him. Cas died after making sure Dean knew he deserved to be saved. Cas died before he could hear what dean wanted to tell him for months. Cas died before knowing.
Sam was going through Rowena’s notes for the thousand’s time and Dean was done. He had the ingredients. He knew the ritual by heart. And he needed Sam out of the bunker for this he didn’t trust him to let him finish it. And what he had to say… he couldn’t say them in front of sam.
“Hey can you go make a run?” Dean said casually.
“for what?” Sam raised his head confused.
“We’re out of bread, milk and wine. I saw a recipe the other day. Wanna try it.”
“Seriously? “ sam was getting suspicious and he couldn’t have that.
“yeah seriously why does it always gotta be me who does the shopping ...and the cooking ....and the cleaning…Why can’t you go for groceries for once sam?” He took the offended tone to just hit it home.
“Okay okay alright I’m going.” Sam said putting his hands up in surrender.
He was lucky sam was so considerate of his feelings these days or this wouldn’t have worked in a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dean set down the bowl in the basement facing the wall Cas disappeared in. trying not to think about what would happen in a few minutes.
“Okay this is it.” He said and dropped the cloth he had cut from his jacket with Cas’s hand print on. He still felt bad about burning it away but if it worked he’d have the real thing back.
He lit the match and held it above the bowl.
“Okay” he swallowed and dropped the match. The pink flame rose and the black fissure opened on the wall.
“Okay” Dean said his voice firm but low. “Cas? Castiel. Do you hear me? Castiel...You need to come back. Please....I... I'm offering you my vessel. I’m…. I’m saying yes.”
He stared at the dark void shimmering in and out of himself But nothing happened.
“Please Cas… I … I need you back… please…” his voice broke and he was barely aware of the tears in his eyes.
“You need to come back… because ... this is your home …and your family needs you…Cas you said all those things about me and I didn’t get the chance… you need to come back…. Please I’m begging you here…I …I love you”
Dean gasped at the words when they finally left his chest. He felt lighter than he had in weeks.
“OF COURSE I love you too… I have for years…so please… come back to me”
The fissure’s color was changing. He saw a light getting brighter.
“Cas? “
The light was getting blinding now until it crossed the threshold and flew right in front of him. Dean’s eyes hurt but he couldn’t stop staring at it. The bright shape of light that was cas. A happy sob left his throat.
“yes.”